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 averagewhitechick
Joined: 4/21/2014
Msg: 23
What would you think?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
OP, it's always my opinion if you're that suspicious of someone, you probably should just end it. Trust is very important to me and if I can't trust someone, I don't want anything to do with them. I don't even want to catch them in their lies.

But having said that, your "boyfriend" can't be trusted apparently. While you may be dating him, he's not dating you -- he's still fishing for something better. But then again, that's a chronic problem with these sites.

As far as "marketing" himself as a personal trainer -- who does that on a dating site?

You're not overreacting and he's a douchebag. Get out while you can.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 24
What would you think?
Posted: 4/24/2014 4:34:34 PM
kensii87- I'm a believer in the direct approach, I'd have asked him rather than snoop.
However, if he's cheating, he would probably lie to your face without hesitating.
Being under stress because of finals isn't a good reason to stay, actually it's a terrible reason.
You are stressed out already because you don't trust him and he's given you good reason not to.
Most women KNOW when a man is cheating, it's hard to explain, but you sense it.
You already know what to do, you deserve better.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
What would you think?
Posted: 4/24/2014 5:01:23 PM

I'm in a relationship and I'm online. HE knows it (and was here for a while too until he wandered away from the forums when Marcus took the link away the first time - either that or they have a plaque with his name on it in Band Camp). I digress.

Regardless of honourable or dishonourable intentions - he lied to you about being online. Can't have a healthy relationship with withholds like that. That's the trust breaker.

Regardless of honourable or dishonourable snooping, baiting, trapping - you couldn't/wouldn't speak to him about an issue you were feeling without establishing proof/justification first. Can't have a healthy relationship with withholds like that. That's the trust breaker.


I agree with Margo on that, I've dated off here and set my profile to "not single/not looking", but it was never a secret that I was online here, and 'she' was too, because we both liked the forums (and often talked about some of the posts on the forums between us). The one I was with the longest even got my password here (and me hers), although I never used hers and I don't think she ever used mine - in fact she commented that she didn't need to *because* of the fact I gave her my password without her even asking (after telling her about an email I got from another woman, out of the blue, as rare as it is anyways... which I of course replied nicely to but wasn't interested).

The fact that you felt the need to 'bait' him anyways says the relationship was unhealthy, if there's no trust then there's no point in a relationship. (Actually I haven't changed my password in ages so that one I gave it too technically could still have it, although I doubt she remembers it, and I trust her anyways, even now).
 Chayanna24
Joined: 5/17/2014
Msg: 26
What would you think?
Posted: 6/6/2014 3:43:25 PM

Cheating happens in real life, not online. So you know he's been on the website - big deal - so have you. What matters is what goes on in real life. Is he disappearing mysteriously? Is he not answering his phone for days at a time? Is he using the same excuse to cancel a date three times? Does he get your name mixed up with someone else?

If the guy is still responsive to all your messages, and he's available for dates and is still interested in you and has indeed made his appointments, stop worrying about it. You have his free (REAL-WORLD) time - and THAT is what matters. It could be worse - would you prefer him browsing child porn sites?

Obviously he's not pleased with something - just understand that nailing him to a cross first and THEN asking him why he's online is the wrong order to do it.


OMG Sweet_Danimal what absolutely horrible BS advice to give the OP !!

the guy is obviously looking to cheat or IS cheating on her....and for you to tell her not to worry just because
he is still *real-world dating her* is beyond comprehension.

it is NOT okay that he is keeping his dates with her and simultaneously keeping his door wide open on a dating site.
Not to mention the lies he concocted when she spotted him out

OP...if you haven't dumped his ass by this date...please do so ASAP and move on girlfriend
Best of luck to you
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 27
What would you think?
Posted: 6/7/2014 10:08:35 AM

Obviously he's not pleased with something - just understand that nailing him to a cross first and THEN asking him why he's online is the wrong order to do it.

The point I was making is that if you don't know the motivation behind what he is doing, you're never going to learn anything from it. Cutting and running and assuming your own ideas helps nobody.

I've been in an exclusive relationship for almost two years now, and I'm in here on a regular basis darn near every day reading and posting messages in the forums. My GF and I have never felt the need to 'supervise' each other, or become Facebook 'friends' or do a lot of stuff insecure people feel the need to do to make sure their relationship is 'exclusive' - because we TRUST each other. We know our schedules, we know when we are busy, we know when we have free time - because we communicate WELL with each other.

If you really want to succeed at a relationship, you talk to THEM and find out what is going on. Posting messages to a bunch of internet strangers in a dating forum to GUESS what's going on is liking asking a bunch of Chinese people if they like Chinese food - the results really don't mean anything.

Keep in mind - She had to GET online to know HE was online! She's not innocent by any means! So many people come in here complaining about the same "I saw they were online!" crap, but never even think the 'online' indicator works both ways. There's nothing to say she is 'innocent' of not looking for dates at the same time she's 'stalking' his profile. If she's truly paranoid about it, she can ask to see the guy's "sent" messages page to see if he has indeed be corresponding online for dates. HE should ask to do the same. Nobody in here gets to control what other people do online, anyway - all you can do is react to it. I'm saying don't react until you know the whole story.

People don't automatically delete dating profiles once they start dating someone - and with good reason - there are plenty of people out there that keep deal-breaking skeletons buried deep in their closet that sometimes take months or even YEARS to find out about. Relationships are built on earning trust - and both of them being online without consulting each other about it is a sign that trust doesn't exist. If you want to learn how that happens, try to FIND OUT WHY before deciding to run away or fix it or do whatever.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
What would you think?
Posted: 6/7/2014 11:00:34 AM
Whats to "learn"?
The OP -for whatever reason-suspected her bf of being up to something. I'm personally VERY "anti-snooping", but in this case what's done is done.
Trust is gone, the bf seems to be making up some pretty elaborate cover stories-I don't think there is anything to be "learned" and I believe the OP is just cotinuing to mildly torture herself by a "gradual" break-up. She either lets this go or she ends the relationship. I don't think she needs to create a learning experience or a teachable moment.

While I am truly sorry when I hear about someone who contracts an STD or HIV/AIDS via a cheating partner, I don't think that promoting wholesale snooping and surveillance is going to do much good. That is an individual moral and ethical decision by the person who cheats without considering how dreadfully serious the consequences might be.
Personally, I think that a basic trust should be given, that can be lost, rather than demanding that people must "earn" it. One protects oneself by not rapidly becoming super-invested.

As for the situation of the woman who was infected with AIDS by a cheaing partner, that is on the partner, his lack of ethics and his carelessness. it is NOT on the lady because she didn't stoop to surveiling and snooping.

If every person who contemplates cheating on their partner -for whatever reason or justification they may believe themselves to have!-would just stop and THINK a minute, about the risks they might be bringing home to their partner, and by extension, family and friends, perhaps we wouldn't hear about innocent partners being infected with STDS or HIV/AIDs.
Cindy O
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 30
What would you think?
Posted: 6/7/2014 11:38:59 AM
OP,

I believe him. He is using the corporate style of interviewing (dating) into acquiring a client. Corporations will whine and dine you into a position, lol. He is using POF to show interest in someone (anyone really) and offering pictures and phone number rather quickly because their purpose is to meet you and hook you in. The only con to this, is that their "future clients" don't know that they are not romantically interested in them, they are just hoping to get enough attraction going, so that the female gets all hooked and want to hire him to lose the weight (in hopes he'll be even more attracted to her).

You ever see a lot of personal trainers get all flirty with their clients, they are trying to keep their clients coming and paying for more sessions, and some even sleep with their clients. It's all means to an end. With the advent of YouTube, cable channels on fitness and the plethora of apps that show you how to work out, why would most people go to the gym to meet with a trainer they'd have to pay versus just popping in a video or looking at an app? They have to find other ways of attracting clients for them to make money.

I had a personal trainer about 2 years ago and I heard tons of stories from the conversations he had with them while training me (since they show you want to do, watch your form, and have time to talk while you're doing your reps). They had no qualms about speaking in front of me, since I was practically married (I was already past 8 years in my last relationship), so whatever they were scheming on had nothing to do with me, I was off limits.

I get a lot of messages from personal trainers, and you can tell what it's really about when they are eventually talking about training and less about finding out about you, lol. I'm just sitting here thinking...."why would someone who practices fitness as for a living and as a life style, be interested in someone who doesn't resemble such as a lifestyle?, he's probably looking for client, and that won't be me". Some of them are so dedicated to their routine and eating habits, that it's impossible to schedule a date, remember, their priority is to hook you enough, for you to become a client, lol. I had a date which I canceled because he got too rigid about having someone cook this weekly meals and needed to do a lot of running around , resulting in being late. He had changed the time by an hour, then wouldn't pick up the phone for 15 minutes, and when he finally called me back, said he'd be there in 10 minutes that he's in a cab. I told him to take the cab home, because I'm not interested in staying one more minute in east Harlem waiting for anyone past 9pm, it's asking for trouble. Another trainer practically wanted some quick ass, telling me he lives on his own, would be interested in meeting me around the neighborhood, like what? What made you think I was easy? That he was hot and looks like player doesn't mean I'm up for it.

Personal trainers have vast experience with women as they are mostly their clients and get to know them a bit. They gain the experience necessary to approach and feign some interest into getting a client (unless the gym facilitates the acquiring of clients). It's like freelancing, you're only as good as your next gig, so you're always looking for another one.

He may not be looking for ass but may have indulge for the sake of securing his livelihood. I have several friends who have gone through trainers, the trainers magically have issues with their girlfriends but enough to leave them, lol. Same story, different trainers.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 31
view profile
History
What would you think?
Posted: 6/7/2014 2:40:53 PM
OP, you should stay with him. Between your spying and his cheating, I think you two deserve each other.
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