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 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 213
Is it me or is POF one-sided?Page 10 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
"I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so."


Having a long term relationship doesn't necessarily mean that person is better finding a quality relationship. I would rather be single or break up with a person after 6 months to a year than having a 5 year relationship where I was content at best to outright miserable at the worst.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 214
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 9:55:00 PM

I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so.


So because I can't find women willing to stick it out that long, I'm not capable of sustaining a relationship?

What happened to it taking two people to make a relationship work? There's a difference between not being capable of sustaining a relationship, and not attracting the right people. Get off your pedestal.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 215
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:43:38 AM
Think people can forget that like anything in life you have to start somewhere. How can how much you loved another long enough to stay with them have a bearing on how much you love them. Makes dating seem like a job interview with all this emphasis on experience.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 216
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 10:05:09 AM

There's a difference between not being capable of sustaining a relationship, and not attracting the right people. Get off your pedestal.

Really? These encounters with shallow trainwreck women, these break-ups,etc are just happeing TO you in some kind of vacuum? You aren't half of the equation? Why are you not attracting the right people.
NOTE...I'm using the word "you" in a general sense to all people claiming that somehow or other the dating deck is stacked against them and by gawd somebody better DO something about it.

If you can't find women willing to stick around, why should I be inconvenienced or have to GUESS at whether a guy ever participated in a longterm relationship?
Of course it takes 2 people to make a LTR work. But if the "longest relationship" question is removed then everyone loses a guideline.
As far as the "maybe people will stay in a relationship because they had a hard time finding one?"
Excuse me? I want a relationship that is about mutual love, respect and caring, not somebody sticking around just because he's scared of being single.
Again, the Universe does not OWE anybody dates and relationships.
Dating sites are not "relationship vending machines".
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 217
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 10:51:51 AM
Some people will choose certain misery over the misery of uncertainty, hence existing in a soulless marriage.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 218
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 2:55:27 PM
"If you can't find women willing to stick around, why should I be inconvenienced or have to GUESS at whether a guy ever participated in a longterm relationship?"

I don’t really care if the relationship question is there or not, but it can be quite misleading. Am I supposed to be impressed with a woman who stayed 20 years with a man that beat her daily, abused her kids and knowingly had many mistresses? Are you as a woman impressed with the man who stayed in that relationship 20 years?

I have such a “small” answer to that question because I’ve been part of very few (almost no) cases of mutual attraction, not because I have commitment issues. The last time (and in reality, probably the only time) mutual attraction happened to me, we stayed together for 2 years and only broke up because we grew apart. So if another woman actually shares a case of mutual attraction with me, she should look at my longest relationship answer and automatically assume that I can’t commit and pass me over? Is that what you’re saying?

I will admit, though, it’s not looking too good for me when it comes to long term relationships, because I’ve so rarely been in one that I have no idea if I can adjust. I’ve lived alone almost my entire adult life (including during that 2 year relationship) – I haven’t had a roommate since college. Despite having a good amount of friends, I’ve long lived a ridiculously independent life compared to almost anyone that I know. It’s not a choice, either. I live in a city with no relatives, all my friends have their own lives and I’ve rarely ever been in a relationship. A live-in/marriage-type relationship might be a very difficult adjustment for me. Heck, I had a female friend who just got married for the first time in her 40s after living alone 90% of her adult life before that and rarely having a relationship last more than a year or two (very attractive, just picky as hell). I saw her a few days ago for the first time since the wedding and asked her how it was going and she sighed and said, “It’s definitely been adjustment. Some serious growing pains for me.” She also inherited two live-in stepchildren in addition to her husband, so suddenly she went from having a gigantic house to herself for many years to having a full family full time. I just can’t even imagine.

Nevertheless, I still don’t believe that necessarily makes me a worse relationship option than someone that was married for 20 years. Divorced people usually have tons of baggage. I have none.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 219
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:25:32 PM
I would not SOLELY base a decision to contact or respond to a contact on ONE answer in the profile. But yes, I do look at whether a person has had a genuine longterm relationship. This is my PERSONAL feeling. I understand that much younger persons may not have had the opportunity to have a 10+yr relationship.

So, you look at a profile and see that a woman had a 20 yr marriage-and you JUST KNOW it was an abusive marriage and now she has tons of "baggage".

Most single people are single either because they PREFER it or because they are very adept at getting in their own way,or a combination of those 2 factors. It ain't because they are short or fat or don't have money or because other people are too picky.
There is nothing wrong with a preference to be single and not all single people are single because they are defective.
Look, I imagine that on this and most other dating sites relatively young and attractive women DO get a lot of attention. What is it you think can be done about it? Proabably half of the contacts a young attractive woman gets are from guys who think OLD is some kind of magic system that levels the field and lets average or below average people to get with above average people.
When they find out it don't work that way they start hollering "one sided" or "unfair".
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 220
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:27:12 PM
Double post.Sorry
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 221
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 5:30:22 PM
"Most single people are single either because they PREFER it or because they are very adept at getting in their own way,or a combination of those 2 factors. It ain't because they are short or fat or don't have money or because other people are too picky."

Really?? I suspect there are many who would disagree with this, some people do choose to be single but I doubt that would be most what with all the dating profiles out there. I also doubt that its because they cant compromise either.

In an earlier post you said that those that if a person has factors seen as undesirable would have a harder time at dating so why wouldn't it be a reason why they are single? You cant get a relationship unless you become good at dating with somebody.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 222
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 6:24:37 PM
It's just one of those things, if you don't understand, then I can't explain it to you. The only reason you want the length of relationship field removed, is you feel it puts you at a disadvantage....
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 223
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/28/2014 4:30:51 AM
ladyc4: So what you're basically saying is, it's okay for YOU to make assumptions about a man based on the length of his longest relationship, but it's not okay for ME to make assumptions about a woman based on the length of her longest relationship. Gotcha.

For the record, I never even look at the answer to that question on a woman's profile. A few months ago I was in another thread where this topic was brought up, and I suddenly realized I'd even forgot that question was there, even though it's been around for years. I had to go back to the profile of the woman I was then having a (rare) dialogue with to find out her answer for reference purposes in that thread. My "20 year abusive marriage" scenario was just that -- a theoretical possibility showing how flawed it is to make assumptions based on the answer to that question. If a woman is really going to decline interest in me based entirely or in part on my answer to that question, then I probably dodged a bullet anyway.

People are obviously single for a variety of reasons. I've told you the reason I'm single and it's definitely not because I like being single -- I was much happier even in highly dysfunctional relationships than I am when I am single. But I was *not* happier in dating situations in which I was not attracted to the woman... therefore, I am single instead of involved with a woman that repulses me, which is the only option I've had for years now. (Exception: a couple of somewhat attractive mothers, but I'm not going through the whole spiel about why I won't date mothers again.) But again, I do realize that just because I don't like being single does not necessarily make me good relationship material because I have been single for so much of my life that I have serious doubts that I can adapt. So it's probably best that I remain single, even though I don't like it.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 224
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/28/2014 5:00:33 AM
I guess you are put at a disadvantage with those who see it as an important factor although I don't exactly see why little experience is seen as a negative or deal breaker with most people. If it was then those with little or no experience may as well give up now. I can see why its there but at the same time if it wasn't and a relationship formed without knowing would they split up over it, I doubt it. So I don't see it being a disadvantage overall.

Would have thought that if anything the concern would be if they had left a long term relationship with somebody. Questions like 'Do they still care about them? and " 'What would happen if I met him/her would they hold a grudge? could be going through a potential partners head. Besides being with somebody else for a long time may cause the next partner to have those thoughts. With little experience and that person has no baggage to worry about and is starting afresh.

If its a commitment issue then that can only apply to those short term relationships where they were at fault and not really to those with no previous relationships (unless they have deliberately turned a person down) or where they became single because of the other partner.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 225
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 10:30:28 AM

ladyc4: So what you're basically saying is, it's okay for YOU to make assumptions about a man based on the length of his longest relationship, but it's not okay for ME to make assumptions about a woman based on the length of her longest relationship. Gotcha.

You can make any *ssumptions you want, but how do you make the claim of just KNOWING that a woman with a 20 yr marriage was abused? ( I know that is probably not exactly what you mean but that's the way you are coming across, like anybody who has had a very longterm relationship must either be a defective person or have been in a defective relationship.

therefore, I am single instead of involved with a woman that repulses me, which is the only option I've had for years now.

But you made that CHOICE. You are not "forced to be single".
Love looks not with the eyes but with the heart. You are putting too much concern onto "looks".
No, I am NOT suggesting/recommend that anybody get involved in a relationship with someone they find repulsive. There has to be an attraction, but the best attractions are ones based on a number of factors, not just someone's looks or height or weight.
But if somebody wants to go around feeling hard done by because they aren't 6'2" and possessed of movie-star looks, then I think this starts twisting that persons' whole attitude.

Yes, perhaps for people under age 25 "longest relationship" isn't the same guideline as it is for those over 40. but I don't think it should be removed. Length of relationship can be an indicator of someone's willingness to commit and their willingness to keep that committment as a healthy and vital thing. Yes, people can and do stay in relationships that the should get out of. But there are also emotional lightweights, parasitic people, damaged people who will run from a relationship at the slightest sign of adversity.
Personally what makes me nervous is people who have been in 4,5 ,or more marriages or (supposedly) committed LTRs.

The only reason you want the length of relationship field removed, is you feel it puts you at a disadvantage....

good point.
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 226
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 10:49:44 AM
Length of the relationship doesn't mean much to me.

It's not like a fico score or litmus test for a LTR

Existing in a stale marriage for 20 years doesn't make you relationship material.

Too many walking wounded trying to start over out here, searching for someone with a 'greater then or equal to my ex' mentality.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 227
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 12:58:06 PM
Well, I'm not sure I'm real impressed with people who automatically equate a long marriage with "staleness" or that it was an abusive marriage.
To those of us who know damn well what it means to be with someone a long time and NOT have it be stale and/or abusive, that piece of information has some value.
Now, as far as "equal to or greater than my ex?" WTF! Are you saying that someone who is divorced gets not chance to try and do better? If a woman divorces an abuser, does she now have to accept that the only relationships she gets to have are with other abusive men? Really??? It's WRONG for a person to try and do better than an abusive husband or a cheating wife?
Do tell!
And for those of us who are widowed, of course how DARE we even dream of finding the real deal ever again-is THAT what's being said here?? Add that to the concept that even if you were with someone for more than half your life,and then (s)he died, you mustn't mention them because any relationship prospects are afraid of "competing with a ghost."
I don't know if PoF is one-sided, I don't know if one gender has more power than the other in the dating scene but it is my considered opinion that for much of single adult citizens of many "western" civilizations, the dating scene is very much effed up.
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 228
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 3:17:48 PM
Never equated anything to anything.

I illustrated ONE example of why simply being in a long term relationship on paper does not necessarily EQUATE to a better search statistic for someone seeking a LTR.

> or equal to?

Well, some women will complain about men searching for younger women.

The reciprocal are the women that mention how successful their ex's are during the first couple (and last) dates. It's rude.

'My ex is a pilot', 'He's a CEO' or 'He has a PhD'

So what??

My ex is a great cook and rubbed my feet after work. Why would I say that to a woman I'm on a date with?

These are the men and women that are hung up on their ex's and haven't moved on yet, at least IMHO.

Finally, I did try and date a widow, that did see his ghost often.

I do not view a ghost as competition, but I sure as fvck don't want to see a ghost either. Reality is bad enough.

Not the jealous type, but I don't want to see the man's face on the nightstand when I'm in bed.

Rant over.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 229
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 8:22:06 AM
Length of relationship can be an indicator of someone's willingness to commit and their willingness to keep that committment as a healthy and vital thing. Yes, people can and do stay in relationships that the should get out of. But there are also emotional lightweights, parasitic people, damaged people who will run from a relationship at the slightest sign of adversity.


I'm willing to commit. The best possible outcome to me right now would be finding someone and starting a family and sticking together for life. But following your logic, just because I couldn't find a quality girl that was willing, then I should just be forever alone, because my longest relationship wasn't long enough.

It needs to be removed because of people like you, who assume that it's a direct reflection on our character. I guess next time the girl cheats repeatedly, I'll stay with her a few more years so that my longest relationship can be long enough to keep POF happy. (Hint: This is the point they were getting at. Not every marriage is stale, not every long relationship is abusive. But you're actually rating a lot of us negatively because we were smart enough to leave when something like an abusive situation came up. Also, there's guys out there who are just so ugly they can't get a date, does that mean they're not willing to commit, just beacuse they can't find a girl that's willing? Rape isn't an option here.)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 230
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 12:27:57 PM

It needs to be removed because of people like you, who assume that it's a direct reflection on our character.

I assume nothing.I said it was a useful guideline. I would think that any reasonable person would look at the AGE of the person and other factors.
But hey, whatever floats your boat. If it serves you better to sit on the forums and blame everyone and everything else for your unwanted singlehood, be my guest.
I'm sorry, but there are lots and lots and lots of people who have very long marriages that do not involve abuse, staleness, cheating, whatever. I also realize that sometimes a relationship or marriage needs to end because the feelings have completely died. I realize there are those who committed to something unwisely and later on they needed to end the committment.
But I still say that knowing someone's longest relationship is a useful guideline. But by all means, if you think those who managed to stay in a relationship a long time should be punished by not allowing that factor to speak for them, contact admin and demand the removal of the question because it makes SOME people look bad( or think that it does).
Cindy O
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 231
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 3:16:09 PM
Msg 253 is backwards in logic.

He should be *glad* the longest relationship field exists. Because many women judge men by that field, this *increases* the odds of long term compatibility for someone like RT or me who is honest about not being in a super duper long relationship.

If a girl doesn't respond to my message based on that field, or doesn't message me first, good riddance. I thank the field for weeding her out.

The ideal girl for me wouldn't mind how long my longest relationship was, or she would communicate and ask why they didn't last longer. Then I would tell her the apparent reasons things ended: one was much younger and went back to people closer to her own age; one moved out of the region; one got baby rabies, etc.

Many women who have been married apparently won't consider a man who has never been married. Again, good riddance!

A player who really just wants a one night stand could put long term as his intent, longest relationship 10 years, status divorced, wants kids yes, and whatever else women typically prefer.

The first time someone in the forums flamed me, it was an old Bible thumping mother who tried to get me by bashing my longest relationship.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 232
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 4:55:20 PM

He should be *glad* the longest relationship field exists. Because many women judge men by that field, this *increases* the odds of long term compatibility for someone like RT or me who is honest about not being in a super duper long relationship.


In the perspective of dating, yeah, it's great to have people like that look past you... but it doesn't change the fact the the assumption is being made about me based on something so miniscule.

Why is it OK to say that because my longest relationship was under 2 years that I'm not capable of committing, but not OK to say that the black guy is going to steal your TV? It's the same thing, you're making a stereotype.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 233
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 4:58:24 PM
Why is it OK to say that because my longest relationship was under 2 years that I'm not capable of committing, but not OK to say that the black guy is going to steal your TV? It's the same thing, you're making a stereotype.

Really?
Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color. Duh.

You can't really be comparing your circumstances with that of being racially oppressed?
This really takes the "Women don't behave the way I want them to" Whine to a whole new (absurd) level.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 234
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 5:38:16 PM
I think there should be an additional field that asks: "How long have you been a born again virgin?"
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 235
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/1/2014 5:11:55 PM

Really?
Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color. Duh.


What do you suggest I do when the girl, the second person in the relationship, isn't interested in me? Bang her on the head to knock her out, and tie her up in my basement, and count that time as relationship?

I can't control women. It takes 2 for a relationship to happen.

Fine, let's keep the question, and add "What was your longest abusive relationship?" so that we can start stereotyping the women right back.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 236
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/2/2014 1:25:04 PM
"Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color."

As someone who is "racially oppressed," I'm not so sure how much of a "stereotype" that actually is -- after all, there is strong statistical evidence supporting the statement that black people commit a disproportionate amount of crime in the U.S. and the average black male is probably more likely to steal your TV than the average white man, so perhaps you should be wary of someone hanging around your house just because he is black.

I would say the evidence supporting that statement is actually much stronger than the evidence supporting the theory that because a man's longest relationship is less than 2 years, he must have either commitment issues or a bad selector.

Look, I don't care if they keep the question or not or if someone makes assumptions on me based on my answer to that question. I just still don't understand why ladyc4 is so upset if a man makes certain assumptions based on a woman's answer to that question but not upset if a woman makes certain assumptions based on a man's answer to that question. Would it be okay for a man to make assumptons based on a woman's answer to that question if she was in her 30s and had never had a relationshp longer than a year? Is it just LONG relationships you're offended that people would make assumptions about or is it MEN making making assumptions on ANY length of a woman's relationship? For that matter, is it okay to look at my height in my profile and automatically assume I must have a Napoleon complex? Is it okay for me to look at your hair color and automatically assume you must be like most other blondes? What assumptions ARE okay to make based on a single number or word in somebody's profile?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 237
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/2/2014 4:09:35 PM
What assumptions ARE okay to make based on a single number or word in somebody's profile?


1) That a person who lists their status as "separated" is still legally "married".
2) That a person who states they use "420", in their username, headline, or somewhere in their About Me, actually does use drugs, even if they answer the question with a "NO".
3) That, just maybe, someone is an exception to any given stereotype.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is it me or is POF one-sided?