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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 227
Is it me or is POF one-sided?Page 11 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
Well, I'm not sure I'm real impressed with people who automatically equate a long marriage with "staleness" or that it was an abusive marriage.
To those of us who know damn well what it means to be with someone a long time and NOT have it be stale and/or abusive, that piece of information has some value.
Now, as far as "equal to or greater than my ex?" WTF! Are you saying that someone who is divorced gets not chance to try and do better? If a woman divorces an abuser, does she now have to accept that the only relationships she gets to have are with other abusive men? Really??? It's WRONG for a person to try and do better than an abusive husband or a cheating wife?
Do tell!
And for those of us who are widowed, of course how DARE we even dream of finding the real deal ever again-is THAT what's being said here?? Add that to the concept that even if you were with someone for more than half your life,and then (s)he died, you mustn't mention them because any relationship prospects are afraid of "competing with a ghost."
I don't know if PoF is one-sided, I don't know if one gender has more power than the other in the dating scene but it is my considered opinion that for much of single adult citizens of many "western" civilizations, the dating scene is very much effed up.
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 228
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 3:17:48 PM
Never equated anything to anything.

I illustrated ONE example of why simply being in a long term relationship on paper does not necessarily EQUATE to a better search statistic for someone seeking a LTR.

> or equal to?

Well, some women will complain about men searching for younger women.

The reciprocal are the women that mention how successful their ex's are during the first couple (and last) dates. It's rude.

'My ex is a pilot', 'He's a CEO' or 'He has a PhD'

So what??

My ex is a great cook and rubbed my feet after work. Why would I say that to a woman I'm on a date with?

These are the men and women that are hung up on their ex's and haven't moved on yet, at least IMHO.

Finally, I did try and date a widow, that did see his ghost often.

I do not view a ghost as competition, but I sure as fvck don't want to see a ghost either. Reality is bad enough.

Not the jealous type, but I don't want to see the man's face on the nightstand when I'm in bed.

Rant over.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 229
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 8:22:06 AM
Length of relationship can be an indicator of someone's willingness to commit and their willingness to keep that committment as a healthy and vital thing. Yes, people can and do stay in relationships that the should get out of. But there are also emotional lightweights, parasitic people, damaged people who will run from a relationship at the slightest sign of adversity.


I'm willing to commit. The best possible outcome to me right now would be finding someone and starting a family and sticking together for life. But following your logic, just because I couldn't find a quality girl that was willing, then I should just be forever alone, because my longest relationship wasn't long enough.

It needs to be removed because of people like you, who assume that it's a direct reflection on our character. I guess next time the girl cheats repeatedly, I'll stay with her a few more years so that my longest relationship can be long enough to keep POF happy. (Hint: This is the point they were getting at. Not every marriage is stale, not every long relationship is abusive. But you're actually rating a lot of us negatively because we were smart enough to leave when something like an abusive situation came up. Also, there's guys out there who are just so ugly they can't get a date, does that mean they're not willing to commit, just beacuse they can't find a girl that's willing? Rape isn't an option here.)
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 230
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 12:27:57 PM

It needs to be removed because of people like you, who assume that it's a direct reflection on our character.

I assume nothing.I said it was a useful guideline. I would think that any reasonable person would look at the AGE of the person and other factors.
But hey, whatever floats your boat. If it serves you better to sit on the forums and blame everyone and everything else for your unwanted singlehood, be my guest.
I'm sorry, but there are lots and lots and lots of people who have very long marriages that do not involve abuse, staleness, cheating, whatever. I also realize that sometimes a relationship or marriage needs to end because the feelings have completely died. I realize there are those who committed to something unwisely and later on they needed to end the committment.
But I still say that knowing someone's longest relationship is a useful guideline. But by all means, if you think those who managed to stay in a relationship a long time should be punished by not allowing that factor to speak for them, contact admin and demand the removal of the question because it makes SOME people look bad( or think that it does).
Cindy O
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 231
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/30/2014 3:16:09 PM
Msg 253 is backwards in logic.

He should be *glad* the longest relationship field exists. Because many women judge men by that field, this *increases* the odds of long term compatibility for someone like RT or me who is honest about not being in a super duper long relationship.

If a girl doesn't respond to my message based on that field, or doesn't message me first, good riddance. I thank the field for weeding her out.

The ideal girl for me wouldn't mind how long my longest relationship was, or she would communicate and ask why they didn't last longer. Then I would tell her the apparent reasons things ended: one was much younger and went back to people closer to her own age; one moved out of the region; one got baby rabies, etc.

Many women who have been married apparently won't consider a man who has never been married. Again, good riddance!

A player who really just wants a one night stand could put long term as his intent, longest relationship 10 years, status divorced, wants kids yes, and whatever else women typically prefer.

The first time someone in the forums flamed me, it was an old Bible thumping mother who tried to get me by bashing my longest relationship.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 232
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 4:55:20 PM

He should be *glad* the longest relationship field exists. Because many women judge men by that field, this *increases* the odds of long term compatibility for someone like RT or me who is honest about not being in a super duper long relationship.


In the perspective of dating, yeah, it's great to have people like that look past you... but it doesn't change the fact the the assumption is being made about me based on something so miniscule.

Why is it OK to say that because my longest relationship was under 2 years that I'm not capable of committing, but not OK to say that the black guy is going to steal your TV? It's the same thing, you're making a stereotype.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 233
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 4:58:24 PM
Why is it OK to say that because my longest relationship was under 2 years that I'm not capable of committing, but not OK to say that the black guy is going to steal your TV? It's the same thing, you're making a stereotype.

Really?
Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color. Duh.

You can't really be comparing your circumstances with that of being racially oppressed?
This really takes the "Women don't behave the way I want them to" Whine to a whole new (absurd) level.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 234
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/31/2014 5:38:16 PM
I think there should be an additional field that asks: "How long have you been a born again virgin?"
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 235
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/1/2014 5:11:55 PM

Really?
Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color. Duh.


What do you suggest I do when the girl, the second person in the relationship, isn't interested in me? Bang her on the head to knock her out, and tie her up in my basement, and count that time as relationship?

I can't control women. It takes 2 for a relationship to happen.

Fine, let's keep the question, and add "What was your longest abusive relationship?" so that we can start stereotyping the women right back.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 236
view profile
History
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/2/2014 1:25:04 PM
"Because the first is something over which you have influence as a participant and the second is a racial stereotype based on something over which you have no control - skin color."

As someone who is "racially oppressed," I'm not so sure how much of a "stereotype" that actually is -- after all, there is strong statistical evidence supporting the statement that black people commit a disproportionate amount of crime in the U.S. and the average black male is probably more likely to steal your TV than the average white man, so perhaps you should be wary of someone hanging around your house just because he is black.

I would say the evidence supporting that statement is actually much stronger than the evidence supporting the theory that because a man's longest relationship is less than 2 years, he must have either commitment issues or a bad selector.

Look, I don't care if they keep the question or not or if someone makes assumptions on me based on my answer to that question. I just still don't understand why ladyc4 is so upset if a man makes certain assumptions based on a woman's answer to that question but not upset if a woman makes certain assumptions based on a man's answer to that question. Would it be okay for a man to make assumptons based on a woman's answer to that question if she was in her 30s and had never had a relationshp longer than a year? Is it just LONG relationships you're offended that people would make assumptions about or is it MEN making making assumptions on ANY length of a woman's relationship? For that matter, is it okay to look at my height in my profile and automatically assume I must have a Napoleon complex? Is it okay for me to look at your hair color and automatically assume you must be like most other blondes? What assumptions ARE okay to make based on a single number or word in somebody's profile?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 237
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 9/2/2014 4:09:35 PM
What assumptions ARE okay to make based on a single number or word in somebody's profile?


1) That a person who lists their status as "separated" is still legally "married".
2) That a person who states they use "420", in their username, headline, or somewhere in their About Me, actually does use drugs, even if they answer the question with a "NO".
3) That, just maybe, someone is an exception to any given stereotype.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Is it me or is POF one-sided?