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 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 201
Is it me or is POF one-sided?Page 9 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

So yeah, we've looked at the common denominator. The millions of shallow trainwrecks that find their way here expecting that even though they're the exact opposite of perfect, that they'll find the perfect guy and live happily ever after without having to contribute anything to the relationship.

So, if a woman has a profile on a dating site she is obligated to date and get involved with the first guy who contacts her? Otherwise she's a shallow trainwreck?
If your experiences here are so unsatisfactory why do you just keep on and on complaining. Go somewhere and hunt for women who will be GRATEFUL for any guy who pays attention to her.
I see tons and tons of people with problems, disabilities, plain looks, etc who find healthy relationships.
But lets' put the shoe on the other foot...
Are you approaching women in wheelchairs, women who have brain injuries,women in homeless shelters, women with average minimum wage jobs and very plain looks?
Cindy O
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 202
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 10:28:00 AM
First, I'm not talking about me personally, I'm talking about in general. The stuff you see happen on here daily.

And no, she's not obligated to get involved with the first guy, and she's not a shallow trainwreck if she doesn't. Stop putting these words in my mouth because it's getting extremely old. I'm just saying that shallow people end up on here. Lots of them. They were shallow before they came. They were trainwrecks before they came. Guess why they were single. Again, it's not every woman, which I specifically pointed out and you ignored. But it's so many of them that it's actually safe to say "most". But I guess I'm just imagining it when your spokeswomen say that there HAS TO be physical attraction to even talk to the guy. Yeah, that's not shallow. Not dating a guy because you're not attracted, fine... But when you refuse to talk to someone, especially in real life where you're just rudely ignoring someone, based solely on the fact that you're not attracted to them, then yeah, you're shallow.

But I guess only guys can be single because it's their fault. Women are single because of the guys, and guys are single because of themselves.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 203
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 11:17:34 AM

But I guess I'm just imagining it when your spokeswomen say that there HAS TO be physical attraction to even talk to the guy.

In this setting, (online), yes a woman might look at the pictures, read the profile and decide that the chances of mutual interest-both physical and non-physical-are small.

As far as refusing to talk to a guy IRL, I think I'd have to look at the circumstances before I started accusing somebody of being rude or shallow.

Nah, most everybody who is single is single because of some reason that might well be his or her "fault". But since when did personal preferences to date and have relationships where mutual chemistry exists become a "fault"?

So what should we do? Petition PoF Admin to put testing in place to PROVE that a prospecive member isn't some sort of shallow trainwreck?

People sign up to online dating sites for all sorts of reasons. I suppose that being a shallow trainwreck of either gender might be one of those reasons. Again, what is anybody supposed to DO about it? I also know that people use online dating because of geographic and demographic factors, time constraints,etc. And really, sometimes somebody might live just a couple of miles away and yet never cross one's path.
The only presumption I think we can make is that someone with a profile at an online dating site has some interest in dating or" seeing what's out there" If the women on line are such barrrellbottom scrapings, why are men online trying to date them? Wouldn't those men be better served to go out in real-life settings and look for women who aren't so horrible?

The only presumption we can make about somebody with a profile at an online dating site is that they have some degree of interest in dating. Doesn't mean they are obligated to date, it doesn't mean that they have to change or lower their standards. Maybe they are single because they are trainwrecks-or maybe not.

But if you've made up your mind that trainwrecks is ALL the online scene has to offer, why even bother with it?
As far as wome who won't make conversation IRL, that IS her choice. Yeah, maybe it is rude, but she may have her reasons and that doesn't necessarily mean she's a shallow trainwreck.
Cindy O
 jukebox_cowboy
Joined: 8/12/2014
Msg: 204
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 1:08:29 PM
POF should get rid of the longest relationship you had and how ambitious are you questions. These are useless.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 205
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 1:20:25 PM
^^^"POF should get rid of the longest relationship you had and how ambitious are you questions. These are useless."

If you think those questions are bad, you should see the responses to the thread where someone questioned the usefulness of the "Do you drink?" question. Some people think that if you answer No, you must be a recovering alcoholic. And if you answer Yes, you are currently an alcoholic. There's no gray area to them.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 206
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 7:34:32 PM

POF should get rid of the longest relationship you had and how ambitious are you questions. These are useless.


I don't look at these questions. Although there are some people that will make assumptions based on the length of your longest relationship. There was a thread about topic.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 207
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/25/2014 9:04:59 PM
They make assumptions about anything.

If you're not looking for a serious relationship, then you're just looking for sex.
If you don't own a car, you're lazy and want the other person to drive you around.
If you don't have a degree, you're some deadbeat who doesn't make enough money to pay your share.
If you share a house with your parents (meaning you pay your half of all the bills and housework) you're childish and irresponsible.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 208
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 5:07:47 AM
Would definitely agree about the longest relationship question. Sending a message to a female just out of a relationship of more than 5 years when you have practically non can be a bit daunting. Its just as well that the shortest option is less than a year.

If the option was removed then people can be judged by who they are and not what has happened in the past. Whether they have an ex-partner or not should be irrelevant.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 209
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 10:02:37 AM
I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so.
As for what people may or may not presume from profile into, what is it you expect anybody to DO about it? Some people don't have a lot of time to spend running down deadend roads, so yes, they are going to screen and they are going to screen HARD.
And if you put a bunch of explanations in your profile narrative, some will find that overly defensive.
Guess what...
if you are one or any combination of;
Fat
Old
low-income
have small children
don't have a car
live with your parents
plain looking
have been in trouble with the law

You just are going to have aharder time dating. Yes, many very lovely,kind and honorable people may have one or more of the above issues. It's horribly unfair, but that is going to count against them in the dating scene.
Life is often horribly unfair.
Cindy O
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 210
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 10:28:09 AM
Cindy is right, although I would say the "disqualifiers" certainly apply more to on-line Dating (OLD).
I think most people forget the concept that on-line, inevitably, your identity is reduced to a DATABASE ENTRY comprised of a variety of parameters.

Some sites have more sophisticated tools to capture your distinguishing qualities - but the tests cost something to create/build, administer and assess. Those sites may have fees.

Most people that avail themselves of OLD search/screen by attributes that matter to them. It is a DATABASE SEARCH - nothing personal. Boo-hoo if you are under a certain height, or income level, or years of college, or whatever.

It is INEVITABLE that your "self" is described by these parameters and that people perusing the DATABASE (that's what it is - not your very own personal blog page) are going to use the tools available to them to get as close as possible to their "Dreamdate."

I think it is hilarious that guys would bleat about women who are not open to physical faults on men when they are the same people complaining they are "seduced" to the pay for play websites, because they are obviously pursuing a chance with a woman who is HAWT physically. Then (surprise!) the same woman invites them to "join" her website.

If a person has some unfortunate circumstance that impedes their dating experience, they may be able to hide it for awhile, but when you invite him/her to spend a romantic night in mommy's basement … You'll have some Splainin' to do.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 211
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 6:17:18 PM
"I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so."

However just because they haven't been able to do so doesn't mean they aren't capable of it, also it doesn't really separate those who have had hardly any relationship experience from those who have had a number of short-term flings.

There is no reason why someone cant have a long term relationship with somebody with hardly any thus far. I would say they are more likely to stay together if they have found it hard to get a relationship in the first place. If they have had a partner for over a year however they may still have feelings for them and more likely to stray as they find getting into a partnership is easier.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 212
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 8:31:54 PM

If the women on line are such barrrellbottom scrapings, why are men online trying to date them? Wouldn't those men be better served to go out in real-life settings and look for women who aren't so horrible?


I posed a similar question regarding women being on dating sites looking for men, recently on a thread, and the answer that was offered was that women don't have the time to find the "wonderful" men in real life.


Guess what...
if you are one or any combination of;
Fat
Old
low-income
have small children
don't have a car
live with your parents
plain looking
have been in trouble with the law

You just are going to have aharder time dating.


LOL. Thanks for the laugh. That was a good one.

NONE of the above.(unless one considers an extremely healthy 57 "old")

And guess what- wait, let me check again-......nope, still no line at my front door.


It's horribly unfair, but that is going to count against them in the dating scene.


Yes, it is. The opposite doesn't even count FOR them.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 213
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 9:21:42 PM
"I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so."


Having a long term relationship doesn't necessarily mean that person is better finding a quality relationship. I would rather be single or break up with a person after 6 months to a year than having a 5 year relationship where I was content at best to outright miserable at the worst.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 214
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/26/2014 9:55:00 PM

I disagree with the idea of torpedoing the "longest relationship" question, because it gives those who are looking for longterm an idea whether someone is even capable of sustaining a relationship past a year or so.


So because I can't find women willing to stick it out that long, I'm not capable of sustaining a relationship?

What happened to it taking two people to make a relationship work? There's a difference between not being capable of sustaining a relationship, and not attracting the right people. Get off your pedestal.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 215
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:43:38 AM
Think people can forget that like anything in life you have to start somewhere. How can how much you loved another long enough to stay with them have a bearing on how much you love them. Makes dating seem like a job interview with all this emphasis on experience.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 216
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 10:05:09 AM

There's a difference between not being capable of sustaining a relationship, and not attracting the right people. Get off your pedestal.

Really? These encounters with shallow trainwreck women, these break-ups,etc are just happeing TO you in some kind of vacuum? You aren't half of the equation? Why are you not attracting the right people.
NOTE...I'm using the word "you" in a general sense to all people claiming that somehow or other the dating deck is stacked against them and by gawd somebody better DO something about it.

If you can't find women willing to stick around, why should I be inconvenienced or have to GUESS at whether a guy ever participated in a longterm relationship?
Of course it takes 2 people to make a LTR work. But if the "longest relationship" question is removed then everyone loses a guideline.
As far as the "maybe people will stay in a relationship because they had a hard time finding one?"
Excuse me? I want a relationship that is about mutual love, respect and caring, not somebody sticking around just because he's scared of being single.
Again, the Universe does not OWE anybody dates and relationships.
Dating sites are not "relationship vending machines".
Cindy O
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 217
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 10:51:51 AM
Some people will choose certain misery over the misery of uncertainty, hence existing in a soulless marriage.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 218
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 2:55:27 PM
"If you can't find women willing to stick around, why should I be inconvenienced or have to GUESS at whether a guy ever participated in a longterm relationship?"

I don’t really care if the relationship question is there or not, but it can be quite misleading. Am I supposed to be impressed with a woman who stayed 20 years with a man that beat her daily, abused her kids and knowingly had many mistresses? Are you as a woman impressed with the man who stayed in that relationship 20 years?

I have such a “small” answer to that question because I’ve been part of very few (almost no) cases of mutual attraction, not because I have commitment issues. The last time (and in reality, probably the only time) mutual attraction happened to me, we stayed together for 2 years and only broke up because we grew apart. So if another woman actually shares a case of mutual attraction with me, she should look at my longest relationship answer and automatically assume that I can’t commit and pass me over? Is that what you’re saying?

I will admit, though, it’s not looking too good for me when it comes to long term relationships, because I’ve so rarely been in one that I have no idea if I can adjust. I’ve lived alone almost my entire adult life (including during that 2 year relationship) – I haven’t had a roommate since college. Despite having a good amount of friends, I’ve long lived a ridiculously independent life compared to almost anyone that I know. It’s not a choice, either. I live in a city with no relatives, all my friends have their own lives and I’ve rarely ever been in a relationship. A live-in/marriage-type relationship might be a very difficult adjustment for me. Heck, I had a female friend who just got married for the first time in her 40s after living alone 90% of her adult life before that and rarely having a relationship last more than a year or two (very attractive, just picky as hell). I saw her a few days ago for the first time since the wedding and asked her how it was going and she sighed and said, “It’s definitely been adjustment. Some serious growing pains for me.” She also inherited two live-in stepchildren in addition to her husband, so suddenly she went from having a gigantic house to herself for many years to having a full family full time. I just can’t even imagine.

Nevertheless, I still don’t believe that necessarily makes me a worse relationship option than someone that was married for 20 years. Divorced people usually have tons of baggage. I have none.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 219
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:25:32 PM
I would not SOLELY base a decision to contact or respond to a contact on ONE answer in the profile. But yes, I do look at whether a person has had a genuine longterm relationship. This is my PERSONAL feeling. I understand that much younger persons may not have had the opportunity to have a 10+yr relationship.

So, you look at a profile and see that a woman had a 20 yr marriage-and you JUST KNOW it was an abusive marriage and now she has tons of "baggage".

Most single people are single either because they PREFER it or because they are very adept at getting in their own way,or a combination of those 2 factors. It ain't because they are short or fat or don't have money or because other people are too picky.
There is nothing wrong with a preference to be single and not all single people are single because they are defective.
Look, I imagine that on this and most other dating sites relatively young and attractive women DO get a lot of attention. What is it you think can be done about it? Proabably half of the contacts a young attractive woman gets are from guys who think OLD is some kind of magic system that levels the field and lets average or below average people to get with above average people.
When they find out it don't work that way they start hollering "one sided" or "unfair".
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 220
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 3:27:12 PM
Double post.Sorry
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 221
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 5:30:22 PM
"Most single people are single either because they PREFER it or because they are very adept at getting in their own way,or a combination of those 2 factors. It ain't because they are short or fat or don't have money or because other people are too picky."

Really?? I suspect there are many who would disagree with this, some people do choose to be single but I doubt that would be most what with all the dating profiles out there. I also doubt that its because they cant compromise either.

In an earlier post you said that those that if a person has factors seen as undesirable would have a harder time at dating so why wouldn't it be a reason why they are single? You cant get a relationship unless you become good at dating with somebody.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 222
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/27/2014 6:24:37 PM
It's just one of those things, if you don't understand, then I can't explain it to you. The only reason you want the length of relationship field removed, is you feel it puts you at a disadvantage....
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 223
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/28/2014 4:30:51 AM
ladyc4: So what you're basically saying is, it's okay for YOU to make assumptions about a man based on the length of his longest relationship, but it's not okay for ME to make assumptions about a woman based on the length of her longest relationship. Gotcha.

For the record, I never even look at the answer to that question on a woman's profile. A few months ago I was in another thread where this topic was brought up, and I suddenly realized I'd even forgot that question was there, even though it's been around for years. I had to go back to the profile of the woman I was then having a (rare) dialogue with to find out her answer for reference purposes in that thread. My "20 year abusive marriage" scenario was just that -- a theoretical possibility showing how flawed it is to make assumptions based on the answer to that question. If a woman is really going to decline interest in me based entirely or in part on my answer to that question, then I probably dodged a bullet anyway.

People are obviously single for a variety of reasons. I've told you the reason I'm single and it's definitely not because I like being single -- I was much happier even in highly dysfunctional relationships than I am when I am single. But I was *not* happier in dating situations in which I was not attracted to the woman... therefore, I am single instead of involved with a woman that repulses me, which is the only option I've had for years now. (Exception: a couple of somewhat attractive mothers, but I'm not going through the whole spiel about why I won't date mothers again.) But again, I do realize that just because I don't like being single does not necessarily make me good relationship material because I have been single for so much of my life that I have serious doubts that I can adapt. So it's probably best that I remain single, even though I don't like it.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 224
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Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/28/2014 5:00:33 AM
I guess you are put at a disadvantage with those who see it as an important factor although I don't exactly see why little experience is seen as a negative or deal breaker with most people. If it was then those with little or no experience may as well give up now. I can see why its there but at the same time if it wasn't and a relationship formed without knowing would they split up over it, I doubt it. So I don't see it being a disadvantage overall.

Would have thought that if anything the concern would be if they had left a long term relationship with somebody. Questions like 'Do they still care about them? and " 'What would happen if I met him/her would they hold a grudge? could be going through a potential partners head. Besides being with somebody else for a long time may cause the next partner to have those thoughts. With little experience and that person has no baggage to worry about and is starting afresh.

If its a commitment issue then that can only apply to those short term relationships where they were at fault and not really to those with no previous relationships (unless they have deliberately turned a person down) or where they became single because of the other partner.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 225
Is it me or is POF one-sided?
Posted: 8/29/2014 10:30:28 AM

ladyc4: So what you're basically saying is, it's okay for YOU to make assumptions about a man based on the length of his longest relationship, but it's not okay for ME to make assumptions about a woman based on the length of her longest relationship. Gotcha.

You can make any *ssumptions you want, but how do you make the claim of just KNOWING that a woman with a 20 yr marriage was abused? ( I know that is probably not exactly what you mean but that's the way you are coming across, like anybody who has had a very longterm relationship must either be a defective person or have been in a defective relationship.

therefore, I am single instead of involved with a woman that repulses me, which is the only option I've had for years now.

But you made that CHOICE. You are not "forced to be single".
Love looks not with the eyes but with the heart. You are putting too much concern onto "looks".
No, I am NOT suggesting/recommend that anybody get involved in a relationship with someone they find repulsive. There has to be an attraction, but the best attractions are ones based on a number of factors, not just someone's looks or height or weight.
But if somebody wants to go around feeling hard done by because they aren't 6'2" and possessed of movie-star looks, then I think this starts twisting that persons' whole attitude.

Yes, perhaps for people under age 25 "longest relationship" isn't the same guideline as it is for those over 40. but I don't think it should be removed. Length of relationship can be an indicator of someone's willingness to commit and their willingness to keep that committment as a healthy and vital thing. Yes, people can and do stay in relationships that the should get out of. But there are also emotional lightweights, parasitic people, damaged people who will run from a relationship at the slightest sign of adversity.
Personally what makes me nervous is people who have been in 4,5 ,or more marriages or (supposedly) committed LTRs.

The only reason you want the length of relationship field removed, is you feel it puts you at a disadvantage....

good point.
Cindy O
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