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 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 19
How long does it really take men to commit?Page 3 of 2    (1, 2)

Yeah I understand where your coming from, but no we've already dated before, and he knows me! so why come back and say we have to take it slow, we didn't just meet! We've known each other for a year now. We didn't just have one lunch we have been seeing each other a lot, and I can see if we're working towards what we used to have, but shouldn't he know by now if I'm the one he wants to be with or not, and why say lets take it slow?


People can spend years together and have no clue who they are truly spending time with...so dating for 6 months, splitting and then re connecting is not a great basis to assume you know one another very well. Heck, in the first 3 years, many people put on a little bit of a show, their best foot forward and all that jazz....Look at wives of 20 years, finding out their husband was secretly gay-Im sure she thought she knew him too.

Bottom line is, your fella wants to go slow.

You can accept that....or move on. There is no 3rd choice of forcing him to your pace.

Relationships are about acceptance. If you cannot accept that he wants to go slow, Im not sure what you two are doing together. It is not a race. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey. Slow down and enjoy it. Really get to know him, and open up, be vulnerable to him, and allow him to get to know you...on a deeper level than before.

I know myself....knowing someone for 6 months is not enough time to form an opinion as to whether we will make it for the long haul or to feel confident enough to plan a future with someone.
 jessebunnies
Joined: 2/18/2013
Msg: 22
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How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 6:57:28 AM

It is not a race. It is not about the destination, it is about the journey. Slow down and enjoy it.

I get what your saying and while the journey is important as it teaches us things about ourselves, other people and life it's ok to have goals (destinations). People don't want to have endless journey's without having a destination. Furthermore having no destination will cause you to walk aimlessly through life which can also not be very good if you stray to far from your path. So.... having a destination in mind of being in love and marriage is not a bad thing. I think what OP is saying is that she doesn't want to waste valuable years of her life meandering down roads which are dead ends and she shouldn't have to.

In my experience men usually make up their minds pretty quickly. Given the fact that you already know each other, he's not 100% sold on this relationship for whatever reason. A man who is crazy about a woman 100% will put his fears aside and put caution to the wind. That isn't happening here. It could be the fights you two have had causing him to have doubts or it could be he's just bidding time till something better comes along.

I've seen you write a lot about what he wants, but what about what you want. Is this worth it for you? He could take a month to figure out your the one, he could take years, it could be never. If you really see your future with him (the way he is now not the man you hope he'll be one day) then do as other have said, take it slow. As long as the relationship is still growing then there's hope. When the relationship STOPS growing, stops making progress then you know it's over.

The reality is if you keep hearing "I'm still trying to figure out if I want to be in a relationship or not " 6 months from now it's probably time to find someone whose ready to figure it out soonish.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 23
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 8:29:46 AM
What jessiebunnies said - so true. Looking back at my dating experiences, I knew a guy was ready to commit when I didn't have to ask advice about him, wonder about his behavior, etc. They made it crystal clear from the very beginning that they wanted something "serious". My ex-husband proposed to me after two months of dating. And when we were dating, he did ALL the work - calling, making plans, etc. I never had to wonder where this was going, it was totally obvious. Don't waste your time with indecisive wishy-washy guys. Sometimes you might be able to jolt them into action by telling them that it's been a slice of heaven, but you're looking for something else and since he's not on the same page, wish him good luck and let him go. A lot of times this is a wake up call for them and they will shape up. If not, then you know it wasn't ever going to happen. According to Dr. Pat Allen who wrote several books about this, it can take a guy up to 8 weeks to realize the loss of someone and then come back again. It's actually happened to me a few times, only that in most cases, I had already moved on.
 phule
Joined: 4/8/2004
Msg: 24
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How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 12:26:52 PM

Are men really this bad with commitment, or does he just want to run free and not be tied down?

I don't know. Are women really all neurotic control freaks who only see what they want and never what is really in front of them?

If your first impulse is to say that it is crazy to assume that every woman is the same based on specific examples pulled from my past experiences with one woman in particular... then apply that same indignation to the original question asking if all men are the same as this one man detailed in the first post.

Are men really this bad with commitment? Nope. Your man is though.

Does he just want to run free and not be tied down? Only he knows... so guess who you should present this question to? Come on. Guess. I know you can make the guess. Ok... I'll tell you. Him! He is the one you should be asking this question of... since none of us can read his mind or even get a good sense of what he is thinking from the limited information you have provided.

oh... and if you actually DID understand that his past relationships were pretty bad, you'd most definitely not be saying "let it go". How do I know this? Turn it around. If you had been beaten and raped in a past relationship, how would you feel if you were just expected to "let it go"? How would you feel if someone else was attempting to tell you how long you could deal with and process the things in your past?

Here is it in a nutshell. You can't change him. You cannot turn him into the perfect man for you. You cannot alter the things you have mentioned here. Your choices are VERY SIMPLE. Either accept what he is offering to where you can work with him... as even a compromise requires acceptance... or send him to the curb. That's it. But b!tching about it, that's not going to accomplish anything.

You want him? There he is. You can't have him with alterations to fit. your choices are take him as he is, with the commitment issues and the bad past relationships and the "let's take it slow now".... or put him in your rear view.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 25
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 1:51:54 PM
Jessie, if they had been dating for 6 years, I would agree with you, that enough time has passed for him to know if he can see himself committing to her or not. But 6 months is no where near that (and they already broke up once). Going slow under these circumstances is smart. This is the time to take it easy, keep their eyes open and truly try to get to know one another....because if the first 6 months had gone 'so very well' they would not have broken up. Something went wrong the first time. To rush right back in under these circumstances would not be a wise move, in my opinion.

Sounds like OP is dating a smart guy.
 AnEvilGenius1
Joined: 6/5/2012
Msg: 26
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 2:41:42 PM
9 months, 13 days, 43 min's and 22 sec's exactly so be sure not to miss the mark or the clock starts all over.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 27
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/11/2014 7:32:40 PM
Curiosity is getting the best of me. Your OP has me confused. Aside from both of you being psychic through dreams (yes, it is weird), you said he told you at first he just wanted to be friends, and take it slow because every time he RUSHES INTO A RELATIONSHIP it goes bad. Yet you both dated before. The only way he'd be rushing into a new relationship with you, having dated before, is if you are changing. Based on the things you've said, and your screen name, I'm really curious as to what is changing about you.

It's a fact he's a man, possibly homosexual. It's POSSIBLE you're also homosexual, but changing gender. You MIGHT want to continue this relationship, and he wants to now take it slow even though he already knows you. If this is the case, I could see how he might have difficulty committing to you. At least he's willing to take it slow, as should you, if it has any chance of success.

If I'm wrong don't blame me, your post is very vague.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 28
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How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/12/2014 3:06:31 AM
If you have dated seriously a year and he shows no interest in some "commitment"by then.
He's not going to with YOU.

If he is pushed and does "commit"just to keep you around, you will be left for the RIGHT one as soon as he meets her..

Same with women.
It's not a gender thing.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/12/2014 8:27:06 AM
IME/IMO
Committment is something that is arrived at more or less mutually and more or less organically. It doesn't require tactics, posturing, deadlines, ultimatums.

I would be inclined to say that most of the time, it does't take very long for that mutual decision to be reached.
Indeed, I would not TRUST a relationship where commitment had to be somehow coaxed or coerced.

If committment was meant to happen, I think it would have occurred by now.
It sounds to me like this man is happy with things they way they are. He maybe doesn't even WANT serious commitment, he might be just fine with a longterm dating situation.

But if he isn't moving in the same direction you are, and your dating goal is a committed LTR, cohabitation or marriage, then I think you have to realize it ain't gonna happen with this particular guy.
How to handle this epiphany is entirely up to you.
Cindy O
 00000Really
Joined: 6/22/2014
Msg: 30
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/25/2014 10:14:31 AM
I don't know if you noticed - this post was from two YEARS ago.



No it wasn't.
That being said, even if it were, users are expected to post to existing threads on a topic, if one exists instead of creating a new thread on the same discussion.

You're new here, please take a moment to read the rules of the forums.


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 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 31
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/25/2014 10:39:06 AM
^^

Looks it it started June 2014 to me.....
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 32
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/25/2014 10:47:21 AM

My view is I date someone for a couple of months then I know by then if I want to continue to the next step of boyfriend/girlfriend.


- This is exactly right, 2 months to see if you will be a couple. I'm impressed, you know relationships well.

The problem with this guy... him saying things like, "I want to be friends first", and "I want to take it slow" - these are classic things people say when they are on the rebound... still grieving over their last breakup, and not ready to fall in love again... with anyone. You are probably spinning your wheels with this guy... he's never going to love someone he met during his rebound period... it's not likely he'll ever commit to you. Sorry to give you the bad news.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 33
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/25/2014 11:18:17 AM
Too many variables to answer that. It would be the same as a man asking how long it takes for a woman to put out. If the relationship is not growing and flourishing, and a man is just a complacent passenger while the woman is dreaming of something more, chances are you may be overlooking someone who wants the same things as you. I dated a man for 2 years solid, and he moved out of state and didn't ask me to go with him. I had very ambiguously let me know that he would never get married early on, but we were very compatible and enjoyed spending time together. That was over 6 years ago - it broke my heart because we had a good relationship and we are still friends. Just Saturday night I got a text message from him saying "I miss you so much." I feel bad that he is lonely, but that ship a has sailed. If he really wants to do something about it, he knows where to find me. In the meantime I am living my life without him.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 34
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How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 6/25/2014 12:02:19 PM
Men (and women) don't commit to a significant other that lack direction. If you don't add value to his life then he isn't invested in you as a person. Thus, you must decide what you want out of the relationship and clearly communicate this. Your failure to be direct in communicating with him what is acceptable for you is why you are in this bind.

If you are a not a priority for him then you are not a match.

/Truth.
 blueturtle70
Joined: 5/29/2014
Msg: 35
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/3/2014 2:13:40 PM
answer:
depends on the man
depends on the woman
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 36
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/4/2014 2:21:52 PM

This is exactly right, 2 months to see if you will be a couple. I'm impressed, you know relationships well.

I'm going to assume you're being sarcastic here? 2 months isn't nearly enough time to know this. I say at least 6.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 38
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/4/2014 8:11:33 PM
For every woman complaining about a guy not committing, there's another woman complaining the guy is too easy and accessible. Go figure...

Women are the gateway to sex and men are the gateways to commitment.

Apparently the conventional wisdom on the 'dating scene' is to get the sex first. I haven't been following the CW lately. Maybe I should...
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 39
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/5/2014 6:14:43 AM
.
This is exactly right, 2 months to see if you will be a couple. I'm impressed, you know relationships well..


.
I'm going to assume you're being sarcastic here? 2 months isn't nearly enough time to know this. I say at least 6..


- Well, it only takes a couple months for people to fall in love with one another if things go just right. This is assuming it's love, and they are not just serial daters... such as having casual dates for reasons other than attraction... such as dating just because they don't have a serious prospect at the time. When people start falling in love, when a relationship goes, it goes.

That said, I would not suggest moving in or marriage for 2 years.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 40
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/5/2014 7:23:25 AM
"That said, I would not suggest moving in or marriage for 2 years."

That's a good idea in theory, but realistically, how many women would be willing to wait two years for the next step if they're with a guy that they think is "The One"? I've heard women say they knew from the very first second of meeting a guy, that this is the guy they're going to marry. Do you think a woman who thinks she found her perfect life mate is going to wait two years for the guy to make up his mind about marriage and a life long commitment to her?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 41
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/5/2014 7:38:25 AM
^^^I would...but I tend to be commitment phobic, lol 5 years would be better for me. Agreed that most women who are marriage minded may have a bit of trouble with a 2 year wait though it would be a good time frame for them to work with as far as being informed about who they're getting stuck with.

PS - I still think 2 months is way too soon to be in love and actually bank on it for anything as you have little information to go on to base a long term thing on. Two months is a lot of lust and wishful thinking. Six months is a bit more realistic...
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 42
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/5/2014 7:52:33 AM
Statistically speaking...the guy is the first to say 'I love you', and usually at the 4 month mark. My values tell me that love & commitment go hand in hand.

Now, factor in the 'online stuff' with 'other options' and you're lucky if you ever make it to that 4 month mark, unscathed by flings and false lightning strikes :)
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 43
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How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/5/2014 1:33:05 PM
There really are no hard and fast rules. I've heard stories of how some men dated a woman for years but never made the commitment, they broke up, then he met someone else and they were married in six months.

A man commits when he decides he wants to be in a committed relationship. You have to decide what you want and set a time frame for yourself. If he's not in the same place you are, then you have to decide if you want to stay in the uncommitted relationship with him or break it off and start over with someone new.

I avoided using the phrase "decide if he's worth waiting for". He may very well be worth it, but he may never get to the point where he WILL. It's a tough decision :)
 dark_eyed_rebel
Joined: 6/20/2014
Msg: 44
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/11/2014 6:03:29 PM
As far as commitment, you never can have a set timetable, it's all about the connection and chemistry. It's something you just want to do because the feeling is good.
 epz33
Joined: 5/20/2014
Msg: 45
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/15/2014 5:43:56 PM
The only time men are reluctant to commit, is when they are not in (LOVE)
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 46
How long does it really take men to commit?
Posted: 7/19/2014 3:27:59 PM
I'm old-fashioned, so I wouldn't date "casually" in a romantic sense -but the beginning of a relationship should be casual (and even a marriage can benefit from some levity). In the beginning, I would be committed to continuing -and not dating more than one person out of respect -until such time as it was clear that we would be good together -were on the same general path -and were both excited about the prospect of a life-long commitment. .... Or until it was clear that we should look elsewhere.

"Taking things slowly" is very vague -and so understandably frustrating. If you are essentially in a "serious" relationship already, you aren't really taking anything slowly -except commitment and responsibility.

For example, if you are in a sexual relationship which might produce a child, your commitment level should reflect that -as well as your ability to take responsibility.

If you are invested so much or doing things/giving of yourself to the point that a break-up would be devastating or leave you feeling betrayed or used, you're taking things too fast.

(I can give good advice because I've made a lot of mistakes)
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