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 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 26
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?Page 2 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I think every female doesn't get out of the dating world without a nightmarish experience. I had the nerve to actually want to spend time with said boyfriend but of course I had to be penciled in and then on top of that he was always reminding me of how I fell short of his royal greatness (wish he had a mirror and reflection about how he acted toward me). After nearly 3 yrs of him pleading for me to take him back after about 1/2 dozen breakups I was done. So yes many women are extremely apprehensive and think why do I need the drama and stress and not knowing where I stand with someone?
 ace41s
Joined: 2/19/2014
Msg: 27
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 5:52:18 AM
I'm thinking that people especially when they're younger should date more and hold off on jumping into long-term relationshps too soon - I think this is part of the problem, a lot of them just feel "the need to be with someone (anyone)" and end up rushing into a relationship, or staying in a dysfunctional relationship which doesn't work, and end up getting up giving up on the entire concept, or assuming that a bad experience is representative of "all guys/girls" - etc
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 28
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 6:39:04 AM
I think you are wrong. Many people are very good actors and can actually put their best foot forward for 6 months and then when you are sucked in, then they can turn into a monster no one would like.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 29
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 7:52:07 AM
You can count me in as one of the people who are disillusioned with dating. I actually took some time to think about my reply to this because I thought it was a great question.

First, with online dating-yes, completely awful experience. At first I dove into it with great enthusiasm, and in less than a year it ruined my trust in people and actually damaged my self esteem to a certain degree. I never felt good enough for some, others were a complete mystery, I could not figure out what they wanted, others lied about a number of things, including their age, marital status, some had STD's, others could barely hustle away from our coffee date fast enough. It was VERY disillusioning. I was friendzoned and deceived by so many people.

It made me think back to when I was single the last time in my life..in college..and how it wasnt nearly this difficult. You just hung out and actually dated. The way it seemed to be going now, in my mid 40's, and at least with online dating, you grind thru that first date and never get a second..or if you do, it was ALWAYS just for sex, not to actually begin to develop some sort of lasting connection with someone.

I think it's been about a year and a half since my last date, someone from work. We went out once, and at the end I got the "well, good luck" thing, which means....that's it. haha

Anyway, I just could not deal with it anymore. And that's just me, it got to be too depressing.

I just dont understand what has happened to people or maybe, what's happened to me. No one seems to have any patience or focus these days, and also, at my age, well..middle age women are not exactly a commodity. I've noticed that even men older than me, in their 50's, prefer women younger than I am. This is a reality that I have to face at this point, and rather than the constant rejection and the "You're really funny but..." I need to get away from the whole thing and enrich and expand my own life, with or without a man in it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 9:43:10 AM

Msg 32: You can count me in as one of the people who are disillusioned with dating.


VolcanoKing: I find your situation quite perplexing. You're an attractive woman, you are not ancient by any means, and being child-free means you don't have any baggage or issues concerning child custody and ex's, or the cry of the single parent who says, or at least thinks: "My kid's come first, so you will always be at the bottom of the totem pole and the least important person in my life."

There are women here who are 10 or more years older than you, who are parents and grandparents, who still get their fair share of messages, which is why I wonder about your lack of luck. It seems like the main reason why older women here, who are in their 50's and 60's, don't have luck in finding Mr. Perfect (for me) is because almost all them want a guy close to their age, but has the body of a 20 year old professional athlete, the looks of the latest Hollywood male sex symbol, and is financially well off.

I haven't seen those demands in any of your posts, so without knowing you personally, it's something that makes me go hmm. It sounds like something you do or say-or don't say-in the first meet that seals your fate, but only you would know what that is.
By the way, why VolcanoKing instead of ValcanoQueen?
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 31
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 2:04:11 PM

I hear from so many people (women especially) who are disillusioned with relationships or sex - usually they had some awful experience with a boyfriend at some point in their past and have just "given up" on the entire thing.

Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships?

YES... I SEE A GLUT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE "AVERAGE" OR "BELOW AVERAGE" IN: LOOKS, EDUCATION, FINANCES, ETC. YET THEY DEMAND THAT THEY COUPLE W/ SOMEONE IS ABOVE AVERAGE IN ONE OR ALL OF THOSE CATEGORIES! OTHERS JUST SEEM CLUELESS LIKE THEY R MEETING IN A DESULTORY MANNER, W/O GIVING ANYTHING THOUGHT, THEN WHEN THEY MEET THE PERSON IT IS LIKE, WELL...WELL DIDN'T THEY STOP & THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE HAND? SOME PEOPLE R REALISTS, BUT IMO, THEY R A MINORITY.


I think what it comes down to is that so many are on here (and elsewhere) expecting to find an ABSOLUTELY perfect man (or woman), and because a guy has a receding hairline, or he is 5'11" instead of 6'0", or he owns a Camaro, and not a Mustang, or he has one tattoo instead of two, or he makes $60,000.00 instead of $61,000.00, or....... Ad infinitum / ad nauseum........

You get the picture.
Such people really want to be alone & r using petty BS as an excuse.

Why are there animals out in the wild in the animal kingdom that mate for life, without using pop psychology and psycho-analysis of a partner's every move and breath, constantly looking for hidden meanings and red flags? Maybe psychologists should study those animals to see what they're doing right and try to apply it to human behavior.
BAZINGA! MATE SELECTION DOES FOLLOW A PATTERN, BUT MOST HUMANS REFUSE TO SEE IT!


I'm here because despite joining a book club, a meetup hiking group, 2 meetup computer groups, an astronomy club, a grief support group, volunteering at 2 different locations, going to public events, and looking at men, smiling at men, and talking to men every day, no one IRL has hit on me for about 9 months. Sometimes I have to resort to talking to men way too young for me, but I consider it good practice. I don't think I'm repulsive, I do think my age has something to do with it.
THEN THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF YOU NEED TO CHANGE- IT MAY BE A PERSONAL HABIT TO HOW YOU LOOK, BUT YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOMETHING.


I do think people have unrealistic expectations. For example the recent thread about instant attraction; most people in that thread chimed in "yes, it has to be instant or forget it"! I heartily disagree. The instant attraction often burns out quickly. I have a friend who went on a blind date about 60 years ago, she was disappointed when she saw him. She went on a second date thinking "why not, free movie". But he started impressing her on that date. After the third date she told her parents she was going to marry him. They did get married, had a long loving relationship, 6 children, and were married till he died. Oh, and after she fell in love, she thought he was beautiful.

People are making snap decisions without making a reasonable attempt to get to know someone.


If you want something more serious from a girl at a bar, don't f*ck her. If you want something besides sex, you need to offer that something else FIRST. Jumping straight to the physical stuff, then expecting more later on is the wrong approach. If you don't want to seem like a guy who is just there to get lucky, then prove it. Don't get lucky that night.


AGREE

I think every female doesn't get out of the dating world without a nightmarish experience. I had the nerve to actually want to spend time with said boyfriend but of course I had to be penciled in and then on top of that he was always reminding me of how I fell short of his royal greatness (wish he had a mirror and reflection about how he acted toward me). After nearly 3 yrs of him pleading for me to take him back after about 1/2 dozen breakups I was done. So yes many women are extremely apprehensive and think why do I need the drama and stress and not knowing where I stand with someone?




First, with online dating-yes, completely awful experience. At first I dove into it with great enthusiasm, and in less than a year it ruined my trust in people and actually damaged my self esteem to a certain degree. I never felt good enough for some, others were a complete mystery, I could not figure out what they wanted, others lied about a number of things, including their age, marital status, some had STD's, others could barely hustle away from our coffee date fast enough. It was VERY disillusioning. I was friendzoned and deceived by so many people.

It made me think back to when I was single the last time in my life..in college..and how it wasnt nearly this difficult. You just hung out and actually dated. The way it seemed to be going now, in my mid 40's, and at least with online dating, you grind thru that first date and never get a second..or if you do, it was ALWAYS just for sex, not to actually begin to develop some sort of lasting connection with someone.

I think it's been about a year and a half since my last date, someone from work. We went out once, and at the end I got the "well, good luck" thing, which means....that's it. haha

Anyway, I just could not deal with it anymore. And that's just me, it got to be too depressing.

I just dont understand what has happened to people or maybe, what's happened to me. No one seems to have any patience or focus these days, and also, at my age, well..middle age women are not exactly a commodity. I've noticed that even men older than me, in their 50's, prefer women younger than I am. This is a reality that I have to face at this point, and rather than the constant rejection and the "You're really funny but..." I need to get away from the whole thing and enrich and expand my own life, with or without a man in it.
I find this ironic cuz just knowing u from the forums, I see u as a very hi caliber person. If I had a brother, I'd want him to date you!
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 32
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 2:21:38 PM

Posted by Maleman999:
"VolcanoKing: I find your situation quite perplexing. You're an attractive woman..."

I have similarly been mystified by this over the years, too.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 3:06:17 PM
I have had good and bad relationships. That didn't turn me off relationship. It taught me about people - what to look for and what to avoid.

If people slowed down and listened more life and relations would just works out for the better.

ps I agree the Volcano rocks.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 34
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 4:28:41 PM
Disillusioned? Never! Disappointed at times......Sure!

Coming from someone who has been married long term and has experienced a soul satisfing love......my relationship expectations are far from unrealistic. I am well aware of the conscious effort and compromise required to sustain a relationship but I also know that the "fairytales moments" that take your breath away.....are what keeps you going and gives you hope through the tough times!

And because of these Disneyesque fairytale moments I have experienced.....I will never give up on the hope of finding a serendipitous love. I might be single and 90 sitting in a nursing home.......but there I will be checking out every new male resisdent......looking for him! I am really hoping it doesn't take that long but whatever it takes! ;)
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 35
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 5:15:42 PM
I don't think its so much of a disillusion that people have with a relationship. Its more of what Windchymes posted, what people are looking for. They want this romance and be head over hills swept off there feet just like in the movies.
They want to parade there SO around at the party with friends and show how good they done.
Life is not a two hour movie it lasts till death comes over and take you for the last ride.
But I know there are lots of people who don't put being in a relationship as the most important thing to do.
It has nothing to do with being disillusioned or given up or burned up.

I do date a girl who actually send me a message first here on POF. We talked a few days ago and I know I made her mad when she mentioned how much my life must be better after I met her. My answer to that was that my life was great and I did not mind being single at all. I actually did enjoy my self being single.
I know there are more people like me, If someone comes along in the road of life great. If not then its just as good. The one thing I noticed about people like that is that we are over all very happy with life and have things going on that keep us happy. Something that is more common when we get older. Maybe cause I'm a guy but I seen it more common with other guys then women. If you have friends to do things that covers 90% of what you need right there.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 36
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 5:57:29 PM
I figure if Volcano can't find a suitable partner then I might as well throw in the towel.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 37
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/28/2014 8:27:40 PM

Coming from someone who has been married long term and has experienced a soul satisfing love......my relationship expectations are far from unrealistic. I am well aware of the conscious effort and compromise required to sustain a relationship but I also know that the "fairytales moments" that take your breath away.....are what keeps you going and gives you hope through the tough times!

And because of these Disneyesque fairytale moments I have experienced.....I will never give up on the hope of finding a serendipitous love. I might be single and 90 sitting in a nursing home.......but there I will be checking out every new male resisdent......looking for him! I am really hoping it doesn't take that long but whatever it takes! ;)

+1 (poking my cane into the spokes of kj's wheel chair to be first to get to that sex-AY new male resident ;-)
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 38
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 4:30:38 AM
CynthiaSM......

"+1 (poking my cane into the spokes of kj's wheel chair to be first to get to that sex-AY new male resident ;-) "


I love it! And I have a feeling that when we are not vying for the attention of these sexy old men......we will be holding court to the young nurses, orderlies, and doctors.....regaling them with our Great love stories, Grand passions and Daring adventures! They will walk away in amazement knowing what it means to Live life full of hope and love never allowing negativity, disillusionment or bitterness to be their guide!


Off to go make my nursing home stories! ; D
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 39
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 4:56:05 AM
^^^^^

When the good ladies out there are starting to waiver in their belief in guys my age, I have to say it isn't hard to get a little down about what "could" be out there in the waiting..........
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 40
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 5:53:03 AM
^^^^^^^No waivering here......just playing out "what if " scenarios if my serendipitous love takes longer than I hope! :)


And a little down? If you are a single man in a nursing home......you should be downright scared! Keeping an endless supply of your beloved whisky is a neccesity for survival! Lol
 Foodnmusicguy
Joined: 5/7/2014
Msg: 41
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 6:28:26 AM

I don't think that most relationships are so compatible that 2 people will be 'partners for life' just because people change


IMO it's not so much about people changing as it is about one or both partners not meeting the other's expectations/needs.

Most people seek a partner to " fill the emptiness " / " make everything better " , etc, etc, etc

The problems occur when the other partner eventually stops doing what the other expects of them and it's like " hey, you're not fullfilling your end of the deal " .

A couple is more likely to last if both partners don't expect anything from the other but simply enjoy whatever the other brings to the table.

Huge difference.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 42
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 6:41:48 AM

Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships? I think that people in general do, probably because of the "happily ever after" portrayal of relationships in the media - I don't think that most relationships are so compatible that 2 people will be 'partners for life' just because people change - and this leads to disillusionment or people staying in "miserable relationships" which eventually fall apart.


I think the much bigger problem is that people DON'T change. When you try and stay together for life many HOPE their partner changes things they don't like. IM experience people only become more set their ways and whatever you didn't like before only becomes more pronounced.

Many overlook things that they don't like when they first start dating.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 43
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 6:50:23 AM

I'm thinking that people especially when they're younger should date more and hold off on jumping into long-term relationshps too soon - I think this is part of the problem, a lot of them just feel "the need to be with someone (anyone)" and end up rushing into a relationship, or staying in a dysfunctional relationship which doesn't work, and end up getting up giving up on the entire concept, or assuming that a bad experience is representative of "all guys/girls" - etc


I think whenever you find yourself in a great relationship you should jump into long term no matter what your age.

But I think what a lot of people who have had early marriages / long relationships are discovering is that there are a whole lot of very poor dating partners and just plain weird people that are single and dating.

Personally, I traveled over the USA a lot in my late 20s early 30s and dated many people of all kinds, so I knew how many just plain odd people there are. But many seem to be discovering this a little later in life. My experience has left me to better appreciate the few people I meet that I am very compatible with.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 44
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 7:18:51 AM
Women in good relationships are often pressured to end or ruin the relationship.

The feminists try to ruin any good traditional relationship.

Cosmo tells women whatever they have is not good enough.

Oprah and countless others poison relationships.

Haters are like crabs in a bucket, pulling down anyone who has a chance of escaping to a better life. (I have never seen a bucket of crabs to know if they actually behave that way).


Disney princesses have been diverse for decades: Pocahontas, Jasmine, Mulan. Disney discriminates against men with beards. Some people claim Disney hates Jews, but their lead guy Mike Eisner is Jewish, and Disney released a lot of anti-Nazi material during WWII. The war material probably defamed the honorable Japanese. Disney
World apparently has a gay pride week.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 45
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 8:36:00 AM

I just dont understand what has happened to people or maybe, what's happened to me. No one seems to have any patience or focus these days, and also, at my age, well..middle age women are not exactly a commodity. I've noticed that even men older than me, in their 50's, prefer women younger than I am. This is a reality that I have to face at this point, and rather than the constant rejection and the "You're really funny but..." I need to get away from the whole thing and enrich and expand my own life, with or without a man in it.


I spend A TON of time around the public, I see guys and girls meeting all the time. It's not people, or you, it's the entire subculture of online dating.

First off, these sites are specifically designed for failure. So they're going to change your outlook. If you're shy, or fear rejection, what do you expect to happen when you meet? If you're considered unattractive by most people, you still look exactly the same when you come here. It's just a glorified AIM chat.

People come here with the reason that they're single offline. If no guy is good enough for the girl, the guy only dates 10s, you have the personality of a rock, that doesn't magically change when you join a dating site. And that's where you see a lot of failure on here, people use it as a crutch for the reality of what's offline, forgetting they have to eventually meet offline.

The people who tend to have success, also tend to not come here. Think about all your friends who are with someone now, married, etc, how many met that other person online? While these sites have become more socially acceptable, they're still far from how most people meet. We still tend to do it the old fashioned way and meet people in person while we're out. But unlike in the past, where if you had a flaw that was making you "undatable", you'd fix it, here, you just play the odds that someone won't care. And a lot of people don't see their own flaws. Everyone is the exception to the idea that we weren't finding enough success offline, so we came here. It's always everyone else. "I can't meet the right guy offline", "I meet people here that I otherwise wouldn't meet", yet how many people offline are you actually making an effort to meet? How many girls are you trying to talk to?

Your experience is also going to change things. If you log on to 100s of messages a day, you're going to perceive this site very differently than someone who constantly has an empty inbox. When tons of people are messaging you, you're going to grow that idea that you can hold out for only the best, because you can almost guarantee that someone better will message you tomorrow, but if you're constantly empty, you might put way less focus on looks and the superficial, and just look for someone that you can build that emotional attachment to. If you're a guy in your 40s or 50s, going through your midlife crisis, and here you can get young girls to answer you, while offline you're seen as creepy, you're going to look for young girls here.

Online dating is NOT the end-all of dating that so many people make it out to be. Yeah, you see a lot of ridiculous standards, hypocrisy, and stuff like that on here, but just remember, that's the reason they're single and here. Hang out in a bar where a lot of younger people typically go, and you'll see that we do still meet in the real world all the time, and standards are completely different there.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 46
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History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 8:56:46 AM
Yes it is a trend probably caused by failed expectations. Expectations caused by the media, changing family values,
economic importance, mostly i see women disilusioned with relationships first and causes family to spiral downward, the ways motherhood and its outcome is disilusioning for many women.

In the olden days of conservative america, families were bigger, girls saw babies and had the expectation that they would follow mom one day as a mother also, they took care of their smaller siblings,,etc (like my family), this was common around the world and still is.
Boys were expected to work hard and long and provide, boys were groomed by their parents to work the newspaper route, do heavy work, fix things, protect their smaller siblings etc...

That is all gone, families are very small, parents do not stick together, family life is almost gone due to other personal interests and economy, so the result is, women go to college even more than men have the same socio economic dreams and learning objectives. When they ge married/live together, have children, they feel their life has been placed in limbo, men are still doing what they have always done, their jobs sports and or friends.
Home life becomes stressful because of lack of personal satisfaction, men see their paycheck get smaller and blames it on his woman, woman feels trapped and places blame on her man, sex becomes less and less, women bodies change due to low self esteem, man stays away from home more often and goes with his buddies and seeks other women for sex and emotional satisfaction, she does the same.

Both had an unrealistic of what a couples life was supposed to be, she thinks of a life of love and attention and many
beautiful and exciting things to do with her man and herself, he thought she would always be hot cheerful with sex everyday... etc...

These are not really opinions, I work with the military , men and women, you can say I have known hundreds of them, one or both parties end up in this rut and blame it on the other and separate, they were never really best friends like they should have been, their human quality was lacking at that time due to culture and lack of hard experiences which in the times past were common. I get told and know of these almost on a daily basis while I train the same people for years on different subjects.

I was married (RIP) and never had problems because both of us were very mature for our age due to past hardships and a strong family culture plus we were both best friends, she did not beleive in the friednzoning of men, to be a best friend was to be a possible mate. Most women fall in the line that best guy friends must be friendzone even if he is the best guy in the world, women here may rebutt this butI like most men know reality due to experience.

I guess I got wordy with this one.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 9:04:25 AM
I have no idea.

I used to have terrible picker issues, and as a result, always terrible relationships w unsuitable men. I took a long, hard look at myself and fixed the things I was doing wrong. I met a bunch of losers, identified them as such, and moved on. Then I met a great guy, identified him as such, treated him like he deserves to be treated, and now we're engaged.

As long as you're thinking it's everybody else's fault, you're doomed.
 sddude
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 9:07:07 AM
Yes there are alot of ridiculous standards, just read the profiles, especially women, you can detect anger issues especially among women over 35. Guys seem creepy or thuglike or needy which kind of scare off women.
I have been here for years and only do the forums, I rarely get any e-mails even though I sent hundreds with many hours of writing custom introductions, I guess i have my share of unrealistic desires too in online dating, I expect a young miss cleaver that wants children and the little house with the white picket fence and BBQs onthe weekends, hahaha, I should not expect that now days, more like childess couple both working long hours and paying bills then when she is like 42 having her first baby etc... and him dreaming when she was a younger hotties with daily sex and she dreaming when he would bring her flowers and make up fun dates, what happened to the hansome man in that fat bald beer belly, beer guzzeling.

MM rambled off a bit
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 49
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 10:18:47 AM
Ainen is SO off. Many of us "females" do not read Cosmopolitan and these dellusion print mediums. Many of us were introduced to Disney fairytales and I'd say a vast majority of us don't want to be treated as Princess only that a man treat us like human beings who are in romantic relations with them. If you grew up seeing healthy relationships in your extended family like I did, you tend to be naive when you get out in the real world and see how men (in my case because I don't "go" for women) treat you which is pretty crappy. It only took me one extremely horrific male to make me see the light.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 50
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 10:48:14 AM

Posted by EasterParadeHat:
" If you grew up seeing healthy relationships in your extended family like I did, you tend to be naive when you get out in the real world and see how men (in my case because I don't 'go' for women) treat you which is pretty crappy. It only took me one extremely horrific male to make me see the light."

Whoa, that is quite an admission here on the Forums! Good for you.
It is almost fortunatethat that one singular and extremely horrific male incredibly made you see the light.
Let me be the first to commend you because it took a lot of bravery to post this unexpected news.
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