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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?      Home login  
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 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 51
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?Page 3 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
I hear from so many people (women especially) who are disillusioned with relationships or sex - usually they had some awful experience with a boyfriend at some point in their past and have just "given up" on the entire thing.

How about turning it around and saying "usually they've had awesome experiences with a boyfriend at some point in their past...". Sometimes is a matter of not ever finding someone who treats you similarly to what you've become accustomed, and it doesn't make sense to be with someone who you will resent for reasons he will not know.

So here my contentions with relationships and sex:
1. The person you date is usually not the person who you enter a relationship with. All of the sudden we don't go out as much, we don't do a wide variety of things together, but what he wants remains the same. I'm not having it

2. They start changing but you must remain the same. They stop doing whatever they did to get you in a relationship, but you're supposed to desire sex with them nonetheless. No, I desire sex with the person I dated to then decided to be in a relationship with, that person is gone now.

3. Life happens and their solution to dealing with life, is to temporarily cast you out emotionally, while still wanting to have sex with you. Plants cannot go too long without water, there comes a point where it doesn't matter how much water you pour at the end, you can't revive it.

4. I don't want to be anyone's best friend, I'm tried of listening to problems. Solve your problems without having to consult me, unless the problem is with me. There is something about someone being self sufficient that is undeniably sexy. It's like a job, if someone has to constantly run things by you, then they themselves don't trust their own judgement. Things are to be used, not people

5. The judgement of your family and friends, or things you like to do. All I'm gonna say about that, is keep it to yourself. The only thing that you need to be concerned about is that your significant other is into them/it, you don't have to be into them/it or say anything negative about them/it. women have long memories

The only thing I like about relationships is the honeymoon phase. Once it ends and you start having differences, brace yourself. That's when you know who you are with, and the level at which communication can be possible. I'm notorious for avoiding participating in arguments, so I'm not a good fit for someone who likes arguments. I'll discuss anything, but if the volume of his voice toward me raises by even a dash, or he wants to dominate the argument, I will get my purse and leave, go elsewhere, do something else. I don't argue, I make decisions. I'm deciding if the problem is such that I can live with it, or if the problem is such that it has potential to reoccur, at which point I do not wish to keep going.


Do people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships? I think that people in general do, probably because of the "happily ever after" portrayal of relationships in the media - I don't think that most relationships are so compatible that 2 people will be 'partners for life' just because people change - and this leads to disillusionment or people staying in "miserable relationships" which eventually fall apart.

Unrealistic? no. It's more that my reality is very different from many other people, and when you've tasted a good dish, you want to keep searching for another good dish, even when the available options are just McDonald's. It's not about just eating, it's about eating something that you like.

"happily ever after" is very possible when you accept people exactly how they are and you've gained a good understanding of who you're with. You accept the things you don't like and work around them. You are essentially managing your relationship, the same way you manage everything else in life, you decide the greater good is what's important until it's not.

Yes, the fact is that people change (and most changes are involuntary, like aging). Even though people know that changes are bound to happen, they don't know how receptive they will be to the changes until they occur. Some people have no recourse but to change if that's the only thing that will make the other person notice.

So this is how I manage to get what I want, without the compromise: I go on many first dates, fewer second dates, and scarce third dates. At the point in which more will be required of me, I pull out. I haven't met anyone with whom I want to go any farther. At this rate, I will remain single for a very long time if not forever.

The more we have accomplished and the more positive things we experience, the more ambitious our desires in a partner. Think about it, when we teenagers or early 20's, it didn't matter who that person was or what they had, because most of us weren't anyone or had anything, all that mattered is that we desired them in our lives. Now when you're thinking of a mortgage, education, career, retirement, the kind of life you're looking to have matters and does who you envision such a life with.

...my relationship expectations are far from unrealistic. I am well aware of the conscious effort and compromise required to sustain a relationship but I also know that the "fairytales moments" that take your breath away.....are what keeps you going and gives you hope through the tough times!

And because of these Disneyesque fairytale moments I have experienced.....I will never give up on the hope of finding a serendipitous love. I might be single and 90 sitting in a nursing home.......but there I will be checking out every new male resisdent......looking for him! I am really hoping it doesn't take that long but whatever it takes! ;)

1+
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 52
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 1:03:29 PM
Nope but when they start pulling the same crap as this one did, they are out of here.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 53
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History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 1:50:03 PM

easterparadehat wrote:

I think every female doesn't get out of the dating world without a nightmarish experience.


Ditto for men, I'm quite sure.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 54
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 1:56:58 PM
Instead of feeling disillusioned with relationships in general, I grow disillusioned with the individuals I’m dating. Finding a man who treats me with respect and kindness is difficult. That’s sad.

“I'm seeking a reasonably fit, intelligent man- an experienced hiker- with a great sense of humor who treats me with love, respect and kindness,” I said in my profile. I thought finding an experienced hiker would be most difficult. Turns out it’s not.

For the past two months I have been dating and hiking with a man who is fit, intelligent and a great hiker. But recently I learned he has a mean streak and vacillates between love and hate. He hurt me deeply with a mean, critical series of emails. We were arguing. Although he apologized, I don’t trust him anymore.

“Other women have called me ‘arrogant and mean,’” he admitted. He doesn’t seem to understand or care that his cruel statements hurt people. “I’m being honest,” he said last night, making an excuse.

“Nobody wants to be around a mean person,” I replied.

Disrespect and meanness are unacceptable to me. I’m not willing to put up with it. It will only get worse.

It seems that a lot of men are divorced for a darn good reason. They take the same bad behaviors to the next relationship, without working on themselves.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 55
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 2:48:11 PM
Right on Literate. Most available men at 40 yrs and older are divorced and they wear it on their sleeves. The guy is not being honest, to you he is mean and that is the only thing that matters. Maybe you can't teach an old dog new tricks.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 56
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 6:02:40 PM

sigungq:
This is why I am just here for the forums anymore. I find online dating to be pretty useless and lame otherwise.


Isn't IRL Dating pretty useless and lame for You, too?
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 57
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History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/29/2014 6:11:14 PM
^^ Yes, it's why I've given up on the lot of it. ^^
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 58
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:12:07 AM
It's not easy to find two people with the same definition of "relationship" these days -and they don't tend to discuss it before beginning one.
People are also generally more selfish -focusing on what they can get rather than give -or one does all the giving and the other all the getting. Natural affection is also lacking due to the generally sorry state of affairs.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 59
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:21:17 AM
Sigungg...you haven't had a date recently?
You should make people aware of that fact on POF to help.
You have never mentioned that before.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 60
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:53:03 AM
Here is some data that might help explain a few things:

http://blog..com/index.php/we-experiment-on-human-beings/

Check out what these sleazy experiments have revealed about how people use online dating and what happens when the "system" isn't working quite right.

Be warned though, many of the assumptions some people cling desperately to are smashed to bits. The truth isn't pretty, particularly for those who like to argue "my team good...your team bad". The truth of the matter is that people, regardless of gender, seem to be rather shallow, vapid and somewhat brainless.

Enjoy.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 61
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:57:45 AM
"People are also generally more selfish -focusing on what they can get rather than give -or one does all the giving and the other all the getting. Natural affection is also lacking due to the generally sorry state of affairs."

I tend to agree with this. The dynamics of dating are so different from when I was in my 20's. Maybe it's the age range. People are very non committal, self centered and hard to get close to. Things tend towards hook ups and casual sex, and this sense that you are in a line up and one of dozens. This is especially true with online dating. There's alot of people who are online "lifers" whose lifestyle it is to just be serial daters. In real life you get this too, a general disinterest in REALLY getting close to someone, just keep them at arms length for when you need and want them.

We've managed to package and buy and sell companionship and sex so efficiently now with the internet, and on top of that we have quickly gotten used to being satisfied with staring at screens and "ordering up" humans like on Tinder. Connections with people now are as casual and as significant as ordering up a hamburger then throwing away the wrapper.

We don't value one another. Not really.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 62
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 8:13:23 AM

I hear from so many people (women especially) who are disillusioned with relationships or sex - usually they had some awful experience with a boyfriend at some point in their past and have just "given up" on the entire thing.


I had become surprised at how restrained many women were about sex. Not about having sex, but seeming like they were uptight about some aspects of sex.

No awful experience, rather a very good early long term first experience which led me to think most women were like my first experience. Followed by many mediocre experiences as regards sex.

My guess is only about 5-10% of women are really easy going about their sexuality. No idea about men, but likely it's the same way.

I didn't date a lot, but about 50% of dates did or could of evolved into relationships and generally I was instrumental in breaking up. Women that didn't work out we both didn't feel like dating after a few dates. Early on it took a while for me to be able to more express myself in a relationship without seeming crass or unfeeling. Maybe two relationships that I broke up could have worked out, hard to tell. The others were ever meant to last.

Some of the relationships were more intense and interesting than my first relationship.

I don't know why so many seem like they have a hard time finding relationships. Maybe it's just a forum thing and those that don't post have more success. If I had been asked this at age 35, I would have likely had a different answer. So maybe it's a maturity thing. Maybe I just got lucky by not dating much in the last 10 years and then finding someone that was very genuine and not “shallow or brainless”. Maybe if I had tried to date many I would have had a more negative opinion.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 63
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 8:29:26 AM
There is also this: I have experienced dating/relationship situations that have been both healthy and nurturing and where the guy keeps himself at arms length. I found more of that happening the last few years, where someone friendzones me but still wants to "hang out"...this has happened with people I am very attracted to and I find myself trying too hard to "get them to like me" and settling for crumbs. I finally stopped this behavior and ended a couple friendships I had with men that I really wanted more out of. The stress I know I go thru "trying to be what they want" was ruining me emotionally. I dont know why I get myself onto tears like this, and it was hard to extract myself but I did it, and now I think part of my thing is that I dont want to go thru that anymore, the rejection, the questioning why someone isnt interested, its like going on loads of job interviews and someone else is always picked. I just cant deal with it anymore. Because I know I always end up feeling hurt and rejected I am now just removing myself from the game entirely. I know this keeps me alone, but the odds of actually finding someone compatible are so slim, most men my age are married raising kids, I feel like I'm just drifting in the sea, with the occasional piece of wood to try to hang onto that I always have to let go of.

This is my own personal thing. I just dont want to go thru this process again and again, it was wrecking me emotionally. On top of all the other stress in my life with work and everything else I was beyond burned out and suffering physically as well as mentally. I just felt like a huge failure in so many ways, as a woman, as a person. Nobody has wanted an actual relationship with me in the past five years..that gets to you after a while, after a lifetime of relationships, suddenly, something has changed drastically..and I just retreated, finally, didn't want to deal with it anymore.

So no, it's not always "other people who have a problem"..I have a problem that I need to work out and develop new perspectives on. I am just too tired at the moment to tackle it.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 64
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 9:32:33 AM
Strawberry jello - the problem is that men don't see their age, women are more realistic and look in the mirror. A man can be 60 years old but he wants a 40 to 55 year old nobody blinks an eye, it's like he is entitled and what is even funnier is that in his world this is reality. Mind over matter.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 65
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 10:20:10 AM

People are very non committal, self centered and hard to get close to. Things tend towards hook ups and casual sex, and this sense that you are in a line up and one of dozens. This is especially true with online dating. There's alot of people who are online "lifers" whose lifestyle it is to just be serial daters. In real life you get this too, a general disinterest in REALLY getting close to someone, just keep them at arms length for when you need and want them.


I honestly think this is a direct result of online dating. This is the stuff I look at, trying to understand why people do the things they do.

Yeah, tons of guys on these sites end up just looking for sex, or to just date someone once or twice and move on. I've been at that point before, and probably so have a lot of people who come to these forums. It's not because we're bad people, it's because we all have an expectation that just doesn't match reality. Just like we can all agree that none of us are perfect, we also have to realize that we're not going to meet someone perfect. And when it comes to online dating, you're not going to meet the girl or guy who has people throwing themselves at them, while they have the perfect personality. By your mid 20s, that person is probably happily married anyway.

So we spend all our time constantly looking for the next best thing, instead of focusing on what we have, and we get burned out. Girls get tired of the jerks, guys get tired of the rejection, so you take the closest thing you can get. For some it's just random dates, for others it's just sex. The reality of these sites just gets old.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 66
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 10:57:43 AM
Yes..I really hate to think the media has as much grip as it does on people but that also fosters an incredibly unrealistic picture of what we are entitled to and will inevitably have fall into our laps. There is also the very natural tendency to put in the least amount of effort for the greatest return, and you see this all the time with people. It's cool these days to not care, to not get too close to others, our technology encourages "part time involvement" with stuff like texting which is ironic, as socail media is all about connecting and I think it's always been more about partial disconnection than being fully engaged with people. We "collect people" by friending them, get attention from messages on dating sites we have no intention of answering, we are constantly testing people, fishing for attention and are being conditioned to be satisfied with half a@@ "FWB" situations that are not nourishing to the soul.

People are really afraid of intimacy these days, either that or it is being redefined by technology as I mentioned, downgraded to partial connections that substitute quickly and easily for the real deal.

It is making us suspicious and lazy.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 67
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 6:40:09 PM
You know what I think? I think people over analyze every aspect of their relationships and then weigh them down with expectationsn and fear......

Seriously people....this is not a dress rehearsal! Lol Get out there take chances.......you never know who you might meet! I was just saying to my 27 yr old niece who is out tonight on her second date....we don't know what part each person we meet will play in our story.....maybe they will play a starring role...maybe they won't. Maybe they will be in our lives for a short time to help us learn what we do want in a relationship or don't want. Who knows? The important thing is to just relax and enjoy each moment! And if heartache comes.....you will survive!

Something I have learned from personal experience......feeling the pain of heartbreak is much preferable to feeling nothing! So I told her to follow my philosophy.....Don't dance like no one is watching.....Dance with abandon no matter WHO is watching! :)
 Shirley1215
Joined: 7/15/2014
Msg: 68
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:15:15 PM
I wasn't all that disillusioned until I joined this site and started reading all this stuff. Where is my wand? I want to go back.................wwwhhhhaaaa...
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 69
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 7:53:36 PM
Here Ya go SimpleIs NotEasy, this song says it.....

Wish I Didn't Know Now

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeBGuLK5Pgc
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 70
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/30/2014 8:54:50 PM
I've met 4 men since I started dating that could have turned out to be good relationships. Each time we had a lot in common, we were physically attracted, we had a lot of fun together, long easy interesting conversations. All 4 times, once it was apparent there was a possibility of something real happening, they either withdrew, or just disappeared. WTH, we could be having fun, going places, doing things, and yes, intimacy too. One I'm sure is still alone, 2 are probably dating again, although I wonder if the new women have the passion I felt. The 4th I'm not sure, he might be alone, he said he was afraid of relationships, and has perfected the art of being a hermit. I guess they don't want deliriously happy passion, they want someone they can keep "at arm's length." But I want the full experience. I am getting really discouraged, thinking of quitting entirely.


I'm currently standoffish with two possible women right now, one of which caught my eye way last October. Our paths cross now and then and last month I had the perfect opportunity to take it beyond acquaintances to dating. Her eyes were asking me, "Why aren't you asking me?" I never did. I've lost the reasons I once had to be in a relationship. I've lost the memory of the plusses they offer and I recall quite clearly the arduous effort it took to adjust to being alone. I've switched to there is more to lose than gain. I've mastered selfishness just like the ME generation has convinced us we need to do. Most people have their own little lives going and don't have room for another unless that person is remarkably shaped like the last piece of the puzzle that is missing in the center. Good luck with that. Most our age that aren't too picky, not expecting perfection, and know how to engage in a successful relationship are still married. We're left.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 71
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/31/2014 7:43:19 PM
Strawberry - welcome to the world of dating middle or later in life. There really isn't anything that is going to keep men around - we are all past our breeding years.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 72
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 7/31/2014 11:41:59 PM
Easterparadehat...EXACTLY!!!

I finally figured out that I'm getting no attention because I don't inspire that much passion or interest in men..not that I really ever did, but especially at this age, there is no point in anyone pursuing me as there are millions younger and more attractive women and of reproductive age, so I gave up dating. It's better than false hope.
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 73
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 12:47:20 AM
^ ^ ^ I've been out of the loop for a long time, but you barely look old enough to drink.
It's probably not that you don't inspire passion or interest, either -but that you seem intelligent and strong -and (dare I say?) independent. Many men are looking for an accessory to their lives -not a complex person to get to know and appreciate.

Generally speaking...
If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Go about your life and have fun -don't make everything hinge on finding someone -but if you really want to find someone, be proactive and be intelligent about it. Accept that most of the population is unacceptable -and make it more likely that you will meet the sort of person you would like to meet. Figure out the sort of qualities you want in the person you would like to meet. Then meet them -don't just wait for it to happen. Make those qualities a priority -don't just find someone cute or buff and hope the rest falls into place.
You might feel like giving up -but you probably don't really want to -so accept the odds and the reality.
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 74
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 12:56:10 AM

Strawberry - welcome to the world of dating middle or later in life. There really isn't anything that is going to keep men around - we are all past our breeding years.


Sad, but true for many men -but you don't need many men -you just need one. It's like looking for awesome rocks in a creek bed. You're going to find mostly stupid rocks that are all pretty much the same -but looking for rocks in a creek bed can be pretty awesome -even if you don't find anything awesome -but it's even better when you do. Enjoy the dance -the interaction -working on interpersonal skills -everyone in the room -personalities -styles -sights -sounds -smells -flavors. Don't let the absence of one mystery person ruin the rest.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 75
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 2:18:18 AM

I wasn't all that disillusioned until I joined this site and started reading all this stuff. Where is my wand? I want to go back.................wwwhhhhaaaa...


It might be best not to read the forums, it seems as time goes on the most depressed people are the ones left posting.
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