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 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 76
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?Page 4 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
etrit - glad you can have that rose colored glasses mindset. Many live in the day to day world of realism.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 77
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 5:37:12 AM
Reproductive age? Many millions of men do not want (any more) kids.

Elle McPherson is past reproductive age and she would have no problem getting attention from men if she were looking. Same with Sade, Sheryl Crow and many other women who take good care of themselves.

Have something to offer other than an incubator for his baby.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 78
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 7:02:33 AM
Since I retired last year, I've noticed I'm less interested in chasing after relationships. I thought maybe it was being in my mid 40's, but I also noticed that when I worked, I got to see womens' personalities--could they handle stress, did they have a good attitude, did they do more work to avoid work than just doing the work, did they cause drama, et cetera.

I might desire someone's company after seeing how well they handled "life" at work. Now what I see is strangers out in public, and don't get to see as much of their personality, just their bodies. So, I don't notice how much I'm missing out by not having their company in my house.are they funny? relaxed? intelligent? a PITA?

so, I can parrot the above poster's last line--be unique in a good way. Msg 83 has it right, you have to turn over a lot of rocks to find the right one. to quote the old joke, the good parking spaces are either taken or handicapped
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 79
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 8:04:55 AM

I wasn't all that disillusioned until I joined this site and started reading all this stuff. Where is my wand? I want to go back.................wwwhhhhaaaa

Yep.....I joined in my mid 50's....had a riot....don't believe all this crap on here!
Don't date in the essence of anyone is perfect or every date needs to lead to "happily ever after".....

it seems as time goes on the most depressed people are the ones left posting

The ones that are so negative about dating this way....but admit to not putting in any effort because of their "bad" experience with someone from here.....just silly...imo.
Where in reality.....These people brought on their own bad experiences and keep dwelling on it!

Strawberry - welcome to the world of dating middle or later in life. There really isn't anything that is going to keep men around - we are all past our breeding years

Nonsense....It's all about attitude!!
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 80
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 8:31:59 AM
"Many men are looking for an accessory to their lives -not a complex person to get to know and appreciate."

That may be true, for some. I don't want to make assumptions about all men. That's not fair. But as far as the ones who DO fall under this category.

Although a man may not *want* you as an incubator, or want children, there are biological realities regarding men still *drifting towards* women that are still fertile. They are more attracted to the energy of youth, the compliments they get from other men, the idea of just being able to score a younger woman. It feels good. It renews a man, makes HIM feel young.

I think a woman my age can have all the enthusiasm and youthfulness in the world, but when you're still older...you're still older. I wonder sometimes if the slow creeping mortality of a woman makes some men uncomfortable, because then he has to face it in himself. I really dont know.

But I don't resent men for any of this. I tend to look at things scientifically. Time and time again as I used to look at profiles of men my age (mid 40's) most of them stopped their highest age range lower than their own, and very few men were willing to date older than themselves. I also ran into alot of lies and age fudging, and more than a few men who would fake their age to get into a "younger search bracket"..two men told me the exact same thing..that they "didnt want a woman who looked like my mother" or who had a mustache, or who looked like an old lady. Some told me identical things that "women my age cant keep up with me"...any number of reasons why in their mid 50's they were looking for women college age...which explains why one guy I went on a date with turned out to be mid 50's instead of younger than me, and was looking for girls as young as 18.

I think there is something to it. It's just been darned hard to maintain the attention of anyone my age. It does not matter what you might look like..it is your age that matters, and maybe because I live in LA, where things like this are of extreme importance. I just couldn't circulate in this sort of world anymore, being judged constantly for every little thing.

What was I benefiting from any of this? There was just too much lying, too many criteria I found I could not fit, too many fantasies I could not fulfill.

And of course I also blame myself for dating failures..it's never just "everyone else's fault." I found I didn't have the strength to keep going thru this stuff and stopped making an effort to "find that one good stone" among mostly poor ones. I guess I sort of forgot the reasons why I wanted to in the first place. They got lost.
 easterparadehat
Joined: 4/14/2014
Msg: 81
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 9:27:36 AM
Ainen - you are in your supermodel fantasy again, thinking all women can look like past supermodels maybe that is the problem. I can't be nearly 6 ft have a small frame and weigh about 115 lbs. Only about 5-6% of women on Earth have that type of body. That is the problem with men. Women take care of themselves but aren't supermodels I've realized why by being on these threads that men are still in that fantasyland that even without money and in their 50s there is still some hot aged supermodel waiting at their door.
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 82
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 9:32:08 AM

etrit - glad you can have that rose colored glasses mindset. Many live in the day to day world of realism.


My reality is that I have not had the opportunity for a relationship for many, many years (at least not the sort of relationship I would accept, enjoy or feel good about -there are many opportunities for meaningless, shallow, empty or somehow compromised relationships) -and probably will not for some years more. There are many reasons for this (it sometimes seems every possible reason) -external, situational, personal....

..so I had the choice to let it get me down or make it awesome.

Being without romance sucks (many in relationships don't have it, either), but I decided not to let that ruin everything else -and even found that putting so much emphasis on being with someone actually worked against romance. If you can have a wonderful life without someone, it can be more wonderful with someone. There will be much more joy and far less pressure when in a (good) relationship.
You don't have to be lonely when not "in a relationship" and you don't even need to be without romance (though you will be without sex, if you're not into casual sex). Every interaction is an opportunity to affect someone positively -even sometimes romantically -to show or express love even if it isn't part of a long-term or sexual relationship.

One of the many reasons I'm single is that I have strong religious beliefs which aren't exactly mainstream -and would want to be with someone who believed similarly -which isn't going to happen for a long time for many other reasons.
Part of those beliefs (a more widely accepted belief) is that when made immortal, we will no longer be flesh -but also will no longer have gender.
This made me think -especially since I might as well not have a gender presently.
Sex is an awesome thing -so much so that many cannot imagine that life could be awesome without it. I was one of those people.
However, I have found that it is a very small part of what makes life awesome -or even what makes a relationship awesome -and if you grasp the rest, sex can be exponentially more awesome.

Anyway -I'm jonesing for some java, so I'll just say that all you can do is make the best of things -but be sure that you are. If there is one guy in a 300 mile radius you'd be happy with, you'd better get busy separating the sheep from the goats -and you might as well have fun in the meantime (someone who is happy and having fun is much more attractive!).
Being unhappy, discontented or miserable can actually become familiar and somewhat comfortable -sometimes you have to be less comfortable temporarily to become more happy.

There's nothing wrong with being content being single, either -sometimes you're just not ready to be with someone else.
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 83
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 9:45:27 AM

I think there is something to it. It's just been darned hard to maintain the attention of anyone my age. It does not matter what you might look like..it is your age that matters, and maybe because I live in LA, where things like this are of extreme importance. I just couldn't circulate in this sort of world anymore, being judged constantly for every little thing.

People are places -landscapes like faces
Some forests fed by springs -verdant pastures -living things
Some cold and desolate, dry and dead
where any should fear to tread for lack of water and of bread

I've done a fair bit of traveling -and have found that different places definitely have different general attitudes and characteristics among their populations. Perhaps you could do some traveling based on such things.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 84
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 9:56:12 AM
I don't think the disillusionment happens from online dating and the choosing process. Sure, there is deception and bad advertising that leads to bad choices, but that sounds like someone searching for blame outside of themselves. The Original Post doesn't really refer to the process of matching up from online dating - it's more about disillusionment of relationships in general.

I feel the modern relationship lives in fear of what MIGHT happen, and therein lies the disillusionment. People simply don't focus on what IS happening or feel empowered to change anything.

Decades ago people would match up and pretty much STAY matched, through thick or thin, with breakups only happening for the most insulting or abusive of reasons. Nowadays, because of infinitely shorter attention spans and constant bombardment of frivolous information - we constantly hear of horror stories of the worst of the worst, and because of that lack of patience, people quickly jump to massive conclusions based on FEAR more than anything else, and over react a LOT -- and feel fully justified doing so.

The other part that is fully damaging to the modern person and being in a shared relationship - is isolation. People scoff at the idea of being isolated because it's so easy to stay 'plugged into' the world with handheld devices and modern communication and social media and such - but think about it - you're not actually engaging in REAL conversation, or sharing space and bills or face time and, basically sharing the REAL WORLD with these people. It's all virtual representations of real life - and can be switched off or changed on a mere whim. I'm just amazed how many people run around with ear buds damn near 24/7 - not just while jogging or waiting for the bus - but on-the-job, at bars and restaurants - even at Church! How many people do you see wearing ear buds while driving in rush hour traffic - as if being in your own vehicle isn't isolating enough?!? How many times do you see a party of six at a restaurant booth NOT talking to each other, but bent over small screens and choosing to text to the person sitting right across the damn table? It IS isolation - and it's a terrible habit that people get 'programmed' to do over and over again.

Relationships require Face Time - REAL communication, eye contact, physical contact - and for some people it's as foreign as grabbing a Sitar and playing "Stairway to Heaven". I love it when they say, "But we talk ALL the time." - Facebooking and texting is NOT talking! It's something else - and it's fairly cold and impersonal, and NOT very intimate. 'Makeup Sex' never exists anymore - because most quarrels happen miles apart from each other with angry thumbs tapping a screen, not face to face where you can see the tears, hear the emotion in their voice, and understand the touching power of a hug when it gets resolved.

The easiest way to figure out if you can handle a 'real' relationship with someone is to put the damn phone away. Shut it off. Use your eyes and your senses and your brain and "BE" with them. Drive across town and BE THERE when they are having a hard time. Give them a REAL hug, not a virtual one. If you can't handle that, then you're starting to realize how disillusioned you are about your OWN communication style and bad habits - not what everyone else is doing.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 85
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 10:22:32 AM
I totally agree Danimal, and had brought up the thing about the "connectivity" of social media actually being a degree of *disconnect*.

I've ended friendships because the person was on the phone constantly, texting, looking up videos, screwing around, etc.

It's a new world. Not at all like when I was dating originally back in the mid 80's...there are so so many more things we all have to compete with now..so many distractions, diversions and the general lack of focus people have now..so many ways to "escape". That's really what it comes down to.

I get the feeling that "people are cheap" these days..not as valued because there is access to so many of them, regardless of the *quality of that access*. We are easily disposable, replaceable, not as precious.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 86
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 11:11:26 AM

I think a woman my age can have all the enthusiasm and youthfulness in the world, but when you're still older...you're still older. I wonder sometimes if the slow creeping mortality of a woman makes some men uncomfortable, because then he has to face it in himself. I really dont know.


I don't know Vulcano. I think your disillusionment is more of looking at the glass half empty than half full.

Since my divorced at mid 45 years of age, I dated women anywhere from 30 to 50 years old. And for my money, it was women after 40 that began to blossom emotionally, sexually and in many ways physically. Many of these women, even when they look a little older, they still look hot because they take care of themselves. They run, hike, bike, exercise, dance or do things that keep them looking attractive.

You're in the middle of this age group. You're an attractive, intelligent woman. I was in SoCal at the beginning of the month for a conference and did find it to be a bit shallow, but I bet there are pockets of people that think differently than the usual LA mentality in your area. My GF is from Colorado, and her way of thinking is so different, so easy going, yet very happy. So perhaps if you look outside the box, outside of the cynical LA mentality you may find someone that fits your bill.
 VolcanoKing
Joined: 8/6/2012
Msg: 87
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 12:01:50 PM
Maybe it is Los Angeles..I certainly have a better time talking to people when I leave the country. Haha..hopefully I dont always have to go that far just to get people to talk to me. I definitely do NOT fit in with the whole LA vibe, but it's where my job and family are, and really no chance of relocating (most entertainment studios are out here in LA) so...I either get to pay my mortgage or have a boyfriend...not both apparently!

Unfortunately financial security is just a tad more important....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 88
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 1:13:28 PM

I love it when they say, "But we talk ALL the time." - Facebooking and texting is NOT talking! It's something else - and it's fairly cold and impersonal, and NOT very intimate.


If I was dating someone who felt a need to be connected at all times, 24/7, I would challenge her to a phone-off. I would dare her to be without the cell/smart phone for 24 hours, to see if it's possible. I haven't thought of the details of a prize for doing it, but I doubt many people would be able to accomplish a huge challenge like that. From what I've seen, it seems like I'm about the only person on the planet who could accomplish such a big test-other than people like senior citizens who were never exposed to the total lunacy of it all. I can go 24 hours, 24 days, or 24 weeks or more without a cell phone if need be.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 89
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 1:46:38 PM
I think as you get older you are not willing to compromise as much. If you've already had the long term marriage maybe the thought of another few decades of monogamous coupling just turns you off.
At my age (51) I have had two long term relationships (19 year marriage and current 7 year relationship) I am not overly enthusiastic about spendiong my golden years doing laundry, cooking meals and having to be held accountable to a 3rd guy.

I see many people in my parents age group that are happily single. They have family and they have a large circle of friends with whom they socialize. Sounds good to me.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 90
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 2:03:44 PM

I think a woman my age can have all the enthusiasm and youthfulness in the world, but when you're still older...you're still older. I wonder sometimes if the slow creeping mortality of a woman
makes some men uncomfortable, because then he has to face it in himself. I really don’t know.

It's just been darned hard to maintain the attention of anyone my age.


No doubt you have a lot of truth in what you post. But if you take your post and substitute taller men for younger women, then it reads nearly identical to what many men post complaining about women judging them solely on their height.

Like what easterparadehat posted. You can see all she really cares about is someone that is tall and well built, maybe now she can't find that and maybe that is what makes her so negative. She thinks that you have to be tall and muscular type to be a man. When enough woman parrot that, it can eat into the confidence of shorter men. Not fair, but it's part of life.

easterparadehat

I'm only 5'4" but I'd date someone 5'10" or 5'11". My first love was 6'3" 220-230 lbs and was a former football player in high school and his build was awesome. I like the big guy types that are built like men.


So VolcanoKing, what can anyone say? I am sure there is a way you can find a male partner that appreciates you, but no doubt it's more difficult. I wouldn’t try and fit anyone fantasies, be yourself try to change the places / ways you have been looking for men. You shouldn't have to work to maintain the attention of someone that loves you.

I know for myself how to cope with things that limited me, but couldn't imagine how to advise on a what a woman needs to change to be able to cope with age related bias. I agree with IG, there is a way, mainly do things you haven't done before to look for a suitable dating partner if you want a relationship.

Thinking way of the box, I have a friend that is very overweight, very intelligent but far down on the hot scale, bad knees, age 37. Her eyes are so bad she memorized the eye charts to pass the driving test. She requested her Indian male friend that has a fairly large import/export company to find her a nice Thai man that she could hire to help her start her business. And she could also date if it worked out. Her plan worked, she is married now for a year, they both look happy to me.

VolcanoKing, another thing to consider, I think a lot of people get comfortable in using their perceived problems like being older, shorter, whatever as a shield against being hurt. Or another thing people do it sabotage themselves by always going after someone that an outsider would know would never work out.

But you know, if you really feel dating is a hassle, it won't kill you to remain single. In time you might well grow to like it. It really didn't bother me for 7 years to not date at all.

I am out of here, good luck.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 91
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 2:05:50 PM
I can't resist to add this. Referring to modern technology, cell phone etc.
5 min ago a man leaves me a first message. As I'm online, I immediately responded. He provides, immediate, although very short replies. His last reply? "Right now I'm trying to golf". ..............LMAO, sheesh!Ok I had no idea!
edited: HE wants to continue, with the messages, LOL He asks, "What are you looking for in a man? I reply, I don't need to interrupt your golf game and your answer is in my profile. ......................Yah I'm done with this!
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 92
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 2:15:36 PM

If I was dating someone who felt a need to be connected at all times, 24/7, I would challenge her to a phone-off. I would dare her to be without the cell/smart phone for 24 hours, to see if it's possible.


That would be easy for me. I sort of think I am not all that impressed with communication technology because I have had used all this stuff way before the public knew about it. Since I worked for large companies like SBC and evaluated new technology way before it was deployed.

I have a few PDAs in boxes that cost $500 when new, they have been junk now for 10 years, I had one of the first ever CD players that first came out in France and runs on 240 volts. I have had email since 1981.

At this point, I only use the technology I need. I have no need for a cell phone, but my wife thinks I am in love with my computer. But I wouldn't want to get between her tablet and smart phone, I might lose a limb.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 93
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 2:35:43 PM
Couldn't help but notice the references to LA in this thread.

I sympathize with VK's posts. This seems to be one of the most shallow and superficial locations I've ever been to.

While people living in the sticks are struggling to get dates, this heavily populated area poses the opposite problem. Too many choices. It's without a doubt a window shoppers paradise.

I stopped 'searching' and still get 2-4 messages a day. Not bragging here. These aren't all Brooke Shields or Christie Brinkley's mind you.

Point being is that it's hard to get excited about meeting someone when the chances are that you're just part of someone's dating odyssey for the week. Yeah, Yeah. Take a break... I know.

But damn, I see another email coming! Duck!
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 94
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 3:37:41 PM
"When I go away people always seem amazing and friendly, I love going to Florida because of how the people are, would it be as great if I actually managed to move? "


Well, Marcus......that's because we are! So come on over! :)

Must be the close proximity to Disney World......the magic is absorbed vicariously! Or could just be the heat and humidity......just can't get seem to get worked up over much when you are HOT all the time! Lol
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 95
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 3:53:41 PM
^^^^^^
Them damn flying roaches, what are they called again? Oh yeah, palmetto bugs. They scared me away more then the humidity.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 96
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 4:02:07 PM
^^^^^^Lmao! They are enough to "disillusion" anyone......but they are not roaches! Just look like big scary ones! You get used to them and I hear they are a great source of protein to help with that beach body, ya know! :)
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 97
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 4:07:56 PM
When I was kid living in Ft. Lauderdale, I remember having to put cereal in tupperware containers.

Turning on the lights in the kitchen was scary. All those ants and critters running for cover.

The bullfrogs? Yikes. Flattened road kills everywhere.

Or the alligator snapping turtle hanging out on my front porch. Didn't know it was a snapper until I picked it up and got my hands raked by some nasty claws.

Finally, the dumb neighbors kids that decided to feed bread to a baby alligator everyday. Well, one day fluffy the dog is out there in the back yard but there's no bread. Guess what the trained alligator decides to eat?

You can say I'm a tad biased against the sunshine state:)
 Your_Move
Joined: 11/12/2009
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 4:51:51 PM

When I go away people always seem amazing and friendly


Perhaps you're happier when you're traveling, and people respond well to that energy you're giving off.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 99
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 4:56:10 PM
The sunshine state is not for eveyone! But I think living here has certainly contributed to my romantic and positive nature!

I mean how wonderful is is to be able to chase the sun? You can watch the sunrise on one coast..... drive three hours....grab a margarita and say adieu on the west coast. Talk about a memorable first date...... :)

Being disillusioned about dating is a choice......you choose to let others effect your state of mind, decisions and behaviors! And if you are ok with that....own it, be happy and don't complain! I choose not to surround myself with negative people.....life is just too short! :)
 Etritonakin
Joined: 7/10/2014
Msg: 100
Why are so many people disillusioned with relationships?
Posted: 8/1/2014 4:57:16 PM

"Right now I'm trying to golf"

Did you think he was telling you not to bother him while he was playing golf? He may have been trying to say that he wasn't very good at golf.
There is little depth to texting -and it's very easy to get the wrong idea about what is written. I try to give some sort of emoticon or smiley if I think there might be some confusion, but I'd still rather have a conversation.

Right now I'm trying to golf :0p
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