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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What does "moving on" mean?      Home login  
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 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 26
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What does moving on mean?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You're listening too much to other people's definitions of moving on...
People grieve differently, there IS no RIGHT or WRONG way to do it! It's a purely subjective experience.
If you begin to get "stuck" I'm sure that you will know. And from your posts it doesn't sound like that's the case.
As for comments from family...Practice saying, "I appreciate your concern and know that you only have my best interests at heart, but I am happy and content with where I am right now..." It works REALLY well....Don't allow yourself to get drawn into defending your own choices, as they are yours and this is your life. If they persist, then I would bring out the BIG guns and let them know that the topic is NO LONGER open for discussion.
AS for the "definition" of moving on, well, again, that is subjective...What some people consider "rebounding", by that I mean jumping from relationship to relationship that is, is actually what seems to be the norm, these days. I, personally DON'T choose to do that because your "issues" have an uncanny way of dogging you from relationship to relationship if you don't take time out from relationships, to deal with them. But society still tends to look askance at those NOT in a primary relationship of SOME kind. Someone else already said it, but it bears repeating, I believe that's just a case of "misery loves company"!! I know of NOBODY at this point, personally that is, who has a primary relationship that I envy and would want for myself, although I DID hear about a couple somewhere in Kansas who are DELIRIOUSLY happy with each other!!! LOL
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 4:36:42 AM
One step at a time.
Hopefully forward but, sometimes you have to take a step back once in awhile.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 28
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 4:37:50 AM
I don't see how being in a (new) relationship is considered, "moving on". It's plain as day (to me), that there are a ton of wounded people on this site alone (let alone, in the general population)...............I have met several. These people have been humiliated, disappointed, screwed over, and beaten down (emotionally and/or physically); and yet, they are out here, very ACTIVELY searching for someone..........................despite the fact that they are clearly and obviously carrying around a red pepper of rage (at the person or persons who have hurt them). They are clearly not ready..............but if some sucker steps into their trap (and there is mutually attraction, chemistry, woo, woo), then, that hurt person will latch onto the sucker. Physically "moving on" is not difficult to do (at least not for most men that I know who are divorced........................more often than not, they (physically) "move on" rather quickly). "Moving on", EMOTIONALLY, for a lot of people (especially for the "wronged party" or the person who did NOT see it coming or the person who was cheated on), seems like it would be significantly more difficult to do.

My point? Very often, people will have SEEMED to have "moved on", because they are with someone new, but they have very clearly NOT "moved on". They have just brought their "old stuff" into a new relationship.

To MY way of thinking, "Moving on" is when you are honestly and sincerely, no longer emotionally affected by that person. No anger, no resentment, no jealousy, no thinking about the past, and, "What might have been....................". To me, "moving on" is when you are ambivalent and/or indifferent to that person (who you feel 'wronged you'.

There are a couple of men that I am acquainted with who still talk about relationships that have been over for 5, 7+ years. I have met very, very few women (for dating purposes), who have achieved that emotional state (of indifference).
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 29
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 6:00:01 AM
Moving on implies to me that your life is one of happiness and self reliance that may not have existed during the marriage or immediately after the break up. It certainly does not mean coupling up.
I am not sure who in your life is making those kind of comments but they are so off base and hurtful. I would respond with 'Having a man is not the same as having a life'
But if the person commenting is not someone you really care about or frequently defer to their opinion on other matters, then I would simply tell them to STFU.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 30
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 6:18:40 AM
I've heard this many, many times as well. Most of my co-workers are married or remarried. So they see that as the NORM.

One of the hardest things about my split 6 years ago is that my divorce drove a real wedge between myself and my mother - she was of the 'no matter what the problem, it's the woman's job to fix everything' generation - and I know she's still very disappointed/worried that I haven't found myself in a new LTR. My father adored her, but he died young. She ended up with another guy for 20 years who also adored her, so she had pretty good 'luck' in that respect. She's said things like 'well, you'll never golf again unless you find a guy who does' or 'if you ever want to travel again, you'll need to find a guy like I did', etc.

I've dated, nothing has lasted long term and mostly now, I am just trying to live my life to the fullest as a solo person - I am quite active: I spent a lot of the last 3.5 years training for and doing double digit road races, I do a variety of activities and have a few good friends. Last month I took a 2.5 week 'dream trip' (with my 23 year old, not an SO) to France, Italy and Spain (so there Mom, ha!) I've actually talked to my boss about trying to do a short term (month or two) telework experiment in Spain next year or the the year after.

And though I try not to let the judgement of others affect my own view of my life, sometimes I will admit it's easier said than done. Hang in there OP, I hear you!
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 31
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 6:24:30 AM
Moving one has nothing to do with getting re-married or into another relationship. It simply means that you are finished with a certain chapter of your life. Whether it was a past relationship or job.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 32
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 6:26:59 AM
InnerGorilla, Your advice is probably meant well. But the tone of it is scolding and demeaning. You present your advice as if you can speak for all men. But there are men who don't believe in "intimacy first". I met one last year who used the old familiar phrase, "I like to take it slow." For some of us, intimacy includes getting to know a person. Quit assuming what works for you is the universal answer.


My advice is simple. Stop taking your time. You're living through pain avoidance. Through the fvcked up idea that you want to get it right this time. That is not going to happen like that. First you trust some of your instincts, second you do not take your time, third you see where the man may be and do it one day at the time. He may not be the one after all. Or the one that was weird but had good conversation may be the one. The reality is that most of the time we are deceived by our own notion of what the ONE should be.



In the mean time, when you meet the next guy. Try intimacy first, and by god, until you've fvcked his brains out, do not label him as the one.


And that would be fine with many of us. Bullet dodged. On your way to be "intimate" instantly with someone else.



Let me be blunt with you. If I went on a date with you, and mind you, I am not in the casual business, but in the business of finding and getting a relationship (I am in an awesome one, so I speak rhetorically). And you told me that you TAKE YOUR TIME, I would simply write you off. Period. I would not even try to see if any bells will ring or even try anything. End of story.


The OP might be more like me, intimacy takes getting to know someone first before fvcking his brains out.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 33
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 7:55:24 AM
^^ +1 I've had an issue with some of IG's advice as well:

On the one hand, he's often telling people to just go fvck as many people as possible.....but on the other hand, he cautions strongly against a person (often, but not always, a female) to not have walls up.

For some of us, ending up in a 'just go fvck your brains out with as many people as you can find' situation is what caused a lot of the damage that created 'the walls'.... particularly if the person we were sleeping with turned out to only be sport fvcking (and not being honest about it - because part of the sport seems to be .... trickery, I guess?) while we were actually experiencing it as what we hoped and believed was part of a richer involvement with the person.

Not EVERYONE is wired for casual sex (I am one who is not, for example).
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 34
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 8:05:58 AM
Most healthy women want to be falling in love with that special person before they become intimate... and it's very rare, it does not happen everyday. Good girls are not into road tests.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 35
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 8:07:32 AM
the first problem is, the general public lacks even a clue about what "success" really means. They have to go with the material things--do you have a house? nice car? own both? how about kids, gosh, you can't be an adult if you don't have kids. Most marriages fail b/c we look for kids first, and end up with a partner who's more of a fellow employee in the job of raising a kid. we think of life as a board game--can't skip a step, can't enjoy the spot you're sitting on, must progress, must progress. keep accumulating those status trophies, just like in a board game. otherwise you ain't "winning".

the material things are just tools. they are things you use in order to be more "you". they shouldn't take you away from being "you".

the second problem is, people want to have something to flap their lips over. when they don't know how to listen, they love to hear themselves talk. what's the old saying about small minds talk about people? generally, I deal w/ unsolicited advice as being worth what I paid for it--I laugh knowingly, as if they too should know what they say doesn't fit a person like me.
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 36
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 8:10:16 AM
My idea of moving on after a divorce/break up is just being happy with who you are and what you are doing. You enjoy your life and don't go on about what your ex does as it no longer really matters to you.

After my divorce, I took a few trips, started working on my Master's degree, moved into the country, and spend a lot of time with my grand kids. I have dated a little bit, but I feel no need to have a 'relationship' just for the sake of having a relationship. I am happy with my life - everybody sees that I am content with things the way they are and the people in my world would say that 'moving on' for me meant doing exactly what I am doing.

I'd say if the people around you cannot see that you are happy with the way things are then either you are putting off vibes that you are not happy/content with things or they are way off track in their assessment.

What do you say to them? Tell them you are happy with the way things are and do not wish for them to change at this time. And then stop discussing it.

BTW: I have a problem with IG's post as well.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 37
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 10:01:03 AM
IG, you gotta have a little more class.

Tone down use of the fvck stuff.

Your bang em fast and see what happens next routine is getting repetitive.

I've met women with that fast thinking, try someone on mentality and it really does stink when the fvck doesn't turn into anything long term. It's actually disgusting and feels like I paid for an escort service.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 38
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:12:32 AM
It means, "moving forward". Not looking backwards, in the rearview mirror, ( LOL, passenger side mirror states, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear")
REGARDLESS of one's current marital status, there are those who have moved forward and those who continue to look backwards. You can not change what is behind you, only be aware of it and learn from it. If you continue to look in the rearview mirror you may miss the pleasure or joy of the journey in front of you. Of course looking forward, one must also be alert to those pesky traffic flow changes, sudden unexpected movements.
Proceed with caution, enjoy the ride, with or without a passenger.

OP, to your friends and family. You are an adult and have the right to make your own choices. No one else's business!
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 39
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:28:32 AM
Most healthy women want to be falling in love with that special person before they become intimate... and it's very rare, it does not happen everyday. Good girls are not into road tests.

What the HELL does THAT mean,?!?!?!?!
BIG statement there...I consider the definition of "healthy" to be that you live your life in a way that ISN'T overtly offensive or hurtful to others while understanding that others have the right to do the same. You meet your own needs and responsibilities in an honest, and truthful manner and you live in integrity with your values. Again, keeping in mind that that you are NOT the center of the universe but live within a society where basic consideration of others is a requirement, though NOT always evident.
Ideally, yes, if I had my druthers, I would prefer to have sex within the context of an intimate relationship, but I don't consider casual sex to be a "road test", as I wouldn't JUST have sex with someone that I thought had potential to become a relationship, and I DON'T consider myself a 'bad girl" for getting my sexual needs met. There IS a way to do that in a manner that is respectful for both parties, so nobody feels they have been "used".
I'm ALSO way beyond being a "girl" and SO don't appreciate the antiquated views.
It's because of that attitude that women were, for the most part, so sexually REPRESSED for SO long!!!( Ie."Good girls" don't sleep around or enjoy sex, no, much better that they remain in a state of frigidity and ignorance of what actually gives them pleasure, sexually, right?!?!?!?)
Anyway...sorry for the outburst, you ARE entitled to your own opinion, and if you were right, I would agree with you.... ;)
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 40
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 12:57:01 PM

And that's where we differ on our views, I am not the sum of things that happened in my life, in fact I spent a few hard years not being the sum of things that happened to me or that I made happen. What I am, is the result of working through my problems, understanding myself and building boundaries to help me lead a life I am comfortable with, considering the things that I have at hand to work with.


Exactly.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 41
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 1:27:11 PM
It appears many equate moving on after a marriage, or after a divorce. You can move on, or be stuck in limbo land, after a long term relationship without marriage or a divorce taking place. Sometimes divorces take years yet the couple could have already moved on long before the divorce was finalized. It doesn't take a marriage, or a divorce, it only takes 2 people parting ways. When one, but not usually both (but it can happen), don't want the separation, then they haven't moved on. IMO, this is normal in the beginning for at least one, but if it takes years, this can be considered a problem. I think most will agree that moving on is the best thing to do, and have sympathy for those that can't. Even the mourning period is associated with a one year time frame. There was a queen of England whose mourning period lasted 50+ years (until her death), and she wore black every day. Sad, although some would say this is a tremendous show of love. That's pretty much my entire life. Don't want to sound callous, but I guess I can move on pretty quickly. I still have the good memories though.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 42
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 1:45:20 PM
For some of us, ending up in a 'just go fvck your brains out with as many people as you can find' situation is what caused a lot of the damage that created 'the walls'.... particularly if the person we were sleeping with turned out to only be sport fvcking (and not being honest about it - because part of the sport seems to be .... trickery, I guess?) while we were actually experiencing it as what we hoped and believed was part of a richer involvement with the person.


Perhaps I am not expressing myself clearly. I do not endorse the idea of screwing everybody. I personally only pursue monogamous relationships. So if that is the impression that I gave, my bad. My point is that if you feel something for a particular individual that is beyond those other feeling that you have felt for others, go plunge and pursue it. If you do not, and have doubts and it's not quite what you want, then don't.

I personally don't think it takes six months of dates in order to find out if you are attracted enough to become intimate. Maybe that works for some, and that is fine FOR YOU. Without falling into some rule as to when sex takes place, if after the fifth date there's no sense of intimacy, I have my doubts it's going to anywhere and it's time to move forward. There are no rights and no wrongs when it comes to that. Again, not everyone may be like that, but that is simply my opinion and how I would approach it.

Not EVERYONE is wired for casual sex (I am one who is not, for example).

An again, I am referring to monogamous relationships, not casual sex, and if I offended anyone implying to go fvck everyone, my apologies. Just that when you meet someone with great chemistry, pursue.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 43
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:12:52 PM
carolann0308- You hit the nail on the head with the issue of self reliance.
I got pregnant at 18, became a mom at 19 and got married at 20. My divorce took place when I was 42.
There I was, 42 years old and on my own for the first time in my life.
To say I was terrified is putting it mildly.
Everyone reacts to fear differently, but I'm not an avoider, I forced myself to face my fear because I knew if I didn't I would be stuck there.
I went back to work full time (I worked throughout the marriage, but mostly part time) and found real joy in supporting myself on my own. I made it a point to learn to do things that I had relied on my ex to do. I learned how to maintain my vehicle, do minor household repair and manage my time so that I could juggle work and my children without stressing myself out.
Maybe I'm not supposed to admit this, but I was pretty darn proud of myself when I became self reliant, it felt good.
To go from a point of "OMG what do I do?", to "I can do this" was no easy task.
This was what I meant when I told Igor I felt misunderstood.
I'm not by myself because I'm miserable, it's exactly the opposite. I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time. This is why it is so hurtful to hear, "he's moved on, he's married and you are still alone".
They just don't GET it. I like being self reliant, not only that, I'm hardly alone, I spend time with my children and my grand daughter, go out with friends, I go to see live music or play pool. I DO have a full life.
You are so right, Carolann, Having a man isn't the same as having a life, you can believe I'm going to repeat this the next time someone implies (or says outright) that I haven't "moved on".
I laugh more than I have in years. I'm at peace, I am happy. Not only have I moved on, I am moving forward and growing with each passing day, I can't wait to see what life offers me next. Oh yeah, life is good :)
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 44
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/16/2014 11:33:33 PM
For me, 'moved on' means no longer emotionally charged; especially when the ex drops around to offer some advice or criticism. It means no longer getting hooked by stray thoughts. And it especially means not feeling compelled to respond. When all is truly said and done, there's nothing to be said.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 45
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/17/2014 9:32:02 AM

Most healthy women want to be falling in love with that special person before they become intimate... and it's very rare, it does not happen everyday. Good girls are not into road tests.

I guess that makes me a not so good girl - but there's no way I'm buying a car before knowing how it handles (unless it's "good" in the I-know-my-stuff context).

OT: To me moved on means an old relationship doesn't affect you in a negative way. You can care about the person's happiness unconditionally, and you can look back at the relationship objectively and maybe even for it's good attributes. There are no residual hard feelings and there's no longing for the person you once dated.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 46
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/17/2014 2:32:34 PM
Hey Bamagirl,

Having never been through any kind of breakup, I wouldn't know, however, having lost my parents and brother, I do know about los of loved ones. From that standpoint, I would say that a good measure of "how far" you have "moved on", would be indicated by how many times a day you think about the one you lost. But I wouldn't guage it by whether or not you have remarried or gotten into a serious relationship.
 lelenc1
Joined: 9/10/2014
Msg: 47
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/18/2014 2:25:06 PM

And that's where we differ on our views, I am not the sum of things that happened in my life, in fact I spent a few hard years not being the sum of things that happened to me or that I made happen. What I am, is the result of working through my problems, understanding myself and building boundaries to help me lead a life I am comfortable with, considering the things that I have at hand to work with.


My friend Paul A. Sp. put it very accurately this way: "Lelenc, is the sum of a woman better than her whole?"
 overunity
Joined: 8/16/2014
Msg: 48
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What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/18/2014 2:33:48 PM
It means there is no future where you are in life, and saddling up and moving on and upward is required. Not always easy, but necessary for living in the time we have. Happiness can be allusive but obtainable.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
Msg: 49
What does
Posted: 9/19/2014 10:56:14 AM
There's been quite some input about when "moving on" has happened. If you're still unsure, try some of the examples, either stand-alone or combined. For example:

Your Msg 45 - Your newfound self-reliance regarding vehicle maintenance can be combined with:

Molly Maude's Msg 6 - Spending time together, go on outings....etc.

Go over to his home, change his oil, if they are a 2-vehicle family, change her's too (never pass up bonus points). If those pesky comments about not moving on don't stop, then you'll need to try something else.
 lelenc1
Joined: 9/10/2014
Msg: 50
What does moving on mean?
Posted: 9/20/2014 3:39:47 PM

Think of how many crappy relationships one would have to go through if moving on meant you have to be with someone other than the ex. LOL


Perfect logic. I like this.
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