Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Beware of negging!!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 101
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!Page 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Being negged is an instant turn off to me.

It's an insult, it's negative, and it insults my intelligence, presuming that I'm too stupid to notice and somehow susceptible to this kind of manipulation.

NEXT!
 dallasdoer
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/24/2014 3:16:02 PM
The fact that he got you so worked up means it worked. It is a ploy that is being touted as the means to an end and it no doubt works on a lot of women, since they are so obsessed with how they look. [body dismorphic syndrome, etc.]
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 103
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/24/2014 3:40:09 PM
"Idon't imagine a push up has any other purpose, even if you're filling out a dress, only certain types need that much bust--but that's a tangent)"


Really? Try thinking in practical terms! SOME of us are actually attempting to negate the effects of gravity! I, personally, have seen some elderly women's breasts that are down right scary! Lol


Now......I will admit to buying the pretty ones.....and yes they are for myself but I do look forward to showing them off if the right man comes along! :)



With regards to "negging" and whom is susceptible.....well I guess I must fall into the narcissistic, low self esteem and unintelligent group of women that has fallen for it! Now, I didn't go home with the guy....but it did initially intrigue me.....and me....with a background in social psych.....imagine that! I can honestly admit that overall I have a healthy self esteem but some days it varies. So with that in mind....I try not to judge others!
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 104
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/24/2014 4:39:40 PM

Being negged is an instant turn off to me.

It's an insult, it's negative, and it insults my intelligence, presuming that I'm too stupid to notice and somehow susceptible to this kind of manipulation.


If you can tell someone is using a "neg" or other techniques for socializing, they're failing big time. I don't think anyone would be able to tell unless the person is really bad at it and uses super cheesy, canned material. They're reserved for a small percentage of situations, and don't need to be used for most interactions because the dynamics are different. When it comes to that very small percentage of situations where a man wants to "pick up" the hotttest woman in the building, a "neg" is basically any type of comment that isn't congruent with what she's used to hearing from the average men that flock to her.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 105
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/24/2014 10:26:07 PM

>>>but look good to...whom? Our own selves? Personally I wouldn't rip hair out of my body nor go in for enlargement surgury to look good to myself. Its not like I'd walk by a mirror every second to check myself out. I suspect most people think along those lines and want to avoid discomfort, too. (of course, there are other ways to feel good about oneself than to dress sexy--I don't imagine a push up has any other purpose, even if you're filling out a dress, only certain types need that much bust--but that's a tangent).

we look good to get...a favorable response from others. They become our mirror. Its how we know a tie looks good or its out of style and looks like what a clown wears for laughs. If someone compliments us...we feel good about it, and ourselves.

Its still based on outside response, in order for it to work. Growing up I would hear a woman or two say, "I bought this push up bra and no one noticed" or something along those lines, and I'd know what the real purpose was--to get attention. Why do we stop doing what's out of style, and start doing what's in style? b/c being in style gets us attention.

of course, there's an extra step--WHY get the attention. But this is a post about the neg, so we'll avoid that tangent, too. the neg breaks the cycle, and what breaks up the cycle...gets attention. assuming, again, that the target of the neg had any interest in the opinion of the negger.


apparently I am in the majority with most of the rest of the women on this particular thread page. I have a LOT of shoes. Most of them have been described as f*** me shoes. Do I wear them to advertize that I want that? Nope. I wear them because I like them and I like how I feel in them. Ironically, the vast majority of compliments I get on them? Are from women. So if I was wearing them to attract guys' attention, obviously it's misdirected LOL. Same thing with clothes. I wear what I wear because I feel good wearing it.

Do I need attention? Nope. Do I want it? Nope. Do I get offended if I get it? Nope. Do I get offended if I DON'T get it? Nope.

I feel good. Some people will notice me feeling good; some won't. But I wear the stuff because the colors make me happy, the textures make me happy, I feel sexy internally and I know that I look my best.

It's for me. And MANY women are the same. Some people don't like it; they feel like I'm dressy; some people love it because they think it's feminine. More power to both.

That is the problemw ith so many in online dating. They need people to be their mirror; which can be incredibly confusing because people have different taste. How can a person's self worth come from who does or doesn't appreciate what they look like or what their style is? That's like saying if someone doesn't like the color blue and it's someone else's favorite color they are being personally rejected. If peopel are comfortable with THEMSELVES, then it won't matter how someone sees them, they won't need flattery or attention to validate their own worth, and then people can be comftable with the business of getting to know teh person behind the face or body. And if those people click AND they're attracted to each other?

That can be a pretty nice thing. With or without the shoes :)
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/24/2014 10:50:58 PM
Dear OP,
This thread really is not that interesting ;)

Well my first attempt at negging, so much that I've never heard of the term
Nagging, now I'm familiar with that one.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 107
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 5:12:04 AM
Moonbeamlover, well said. You can feel sexy and comfortable without it being a matter of others approving you or what you're wearing.

Maybe a lot of men don't wear anything for themselves, so they don't get the concept of it - but it's possible to look in a mirror, like what you see and then have it carry through your day independent of who you interact with.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 108
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 9:58:09 AM
WiP, you may have hit the nail on its head. Generally, not many men dress sexy in order to feel better about themselves--there's other outlets for feeling good about yourself. Note, I'm talking about dressing SEXY,not dressing WELL. Back at university, taking a public speaking class, the professor asked us to dress up in order to be in the role of giving a speech, and some young women came to class dressed like they were going to a bar.

Certainly, I've heard women look at someone dressed for church or a white collar job and claim about the miniskirt or low neckline, "that's not appropriate wear." so maybe those commenting women and myself are prudes. Or maybe some people think "dressing professionally" and "dressing sexy" are the same thing--both are "dress to impress". Or perhaps WiP hit the point--when men dress sexily, its to send a signal, so they assume if a woman is dressing sexily, its to achieve the same goal. and we think men are confusing :) lol

I suspect we can dress well, without dressing sexy. But then, I want someone to focus on me, not my body. So I might be alone in my consideration.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 109
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 10:20:11 AM
My last relationship ended because the man I started seeing would not stop telling me that I needed to dress in a more 'sexy' manner; that I needed to start thinking 'like a man' and about what would please a man. He was always pushing me to wear tighter tops that were also low cut. Note -- He was not referring only to what I wore when it was just the 2 of us in private, but when we were out in public as well.

I explained a couple times that I was very happy with my personal style (which I am, I love 'fashion' - just the fun of it and I really do mainly dress to please me. If ever am hoping for a compliment, it's usually from my young adult daughter or a few female co-workers who seem to have sort of the same fashion sense) . I would explain I followed the 'if you are gonna show leg, don't show so much skin up top' (it was summer, I am a runner, I wear skirts most days).

Finally one day I decided I was sick of having the conversation. So here I am again "Party of 1" :)

Anyway...

He always couched these suggestions with a 'Hey! I'm giving you a compliment' except it really wasn't, it was a criticism.

In fact now I wonder if it was 'a misguided neg'?

And now - I've brought 2 strings of this thread back together....
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 110
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 10:35:51 AM
A friend of mine posted a photo of himself in a suit and tie on Facebook. I commented to him "You broke the law?" Implying that he was going to court. Several other guys said "Is that a clip on?" And the barrage of comments have been all to put him down.

Last weekend I was over my girlfriends house trimming the hedges in her front yard. Then one of her neighbors, who I have met and is a cool guy passes by, and comments "It's about time someone cuts that yard."

The point is... Men banter all the time. It is meant as saying something NEGative as banter.

I understand what Comma White refers as a Neg, but the reality is that MOST guys don't use it as he describes, they use it as male banter. Even some of those that have studied the PUA mentality, they use it as being NEGative.

There's a narrow line between Buddy buddy banter, and plain right a put down. This line is crossed even among guys, where they may take the comment some other guy as an offense and get hurt or retaliate.

The part where Comma White is right is that when men treat very attractive women like they would tread their own buddies, he doesn't come across as if he is too interested in her or is going to put her in a pedestal.
 hazelbronze
Joined: 9/17/2014
Msg: 111
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 11:09:16 AM
Glad I found this thread, I'm new to the site and frankly just getting back into dating. Its been overwhelming to say the least..this made me feel better about the conversations and negging I've experienced. I thought I was the only one and something was wrong with me or my profile. Online dating is a confusing world!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 112
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 11:38:54 AM

The point is... Men banter all the time. It is meant as saying something NEGative as banter.

I get this, but again if you don't know someone very well you're not in a good place to throw out comments like this. The examples you gave were of people that already knew each other longer than a couple minutes. The difference between an attractive woman and your buddies is your buddies are people you already have an established connection with.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 113
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 12:33:38 PM
I get this, but again if you don't know someone very well you're not in a good place to throw out comments like this. The examples you gave were of people that already knew each other longer than a couple minutes. The difference between an attractive woman and your buddies is your buddies are people you already have an established connection with.


I am not disagreeing with you. The reality is that most men use the so called Neg not to sound jovial with women, but as the put down that most women feel.

The idea, in theory is not to put attractive women on a pedestal and appear that you may not be as interested, yet the way they come across is as all the women here have expressed. As a ss h o les.

But there are a lot of men that abuse this, if anything to come across as more powerful, the boss, the one in control, fake Alpha males. So you tell them the sky is blue and they answer Nahh it's gray with some sunshine, even when they mean the exact same thing. I've known a couple of these guys, and the interesting thing is that they can't date women over 25 years of age because they won put up with their crap. So even in their forties they still go after these girls that they can wrap on their finger until the girl wakes up.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 12:59:39 PM

Glad I found this thread, I'm new to the site and frankly just getting back into dating. Its been overwhelming to say the least..this made me feel better about the conversations and negging I've experienced. I thought I was the only one and something was wrong with me or my profile. Online dating is a confusing world!


They're not negging you. They're teasing you and engaging in c-o-c-k-y banter. A neg allows a man to have success with a woman that's constantly getting hit on by average guys and rejecting them out of habit. It’s designed to tell her that you’re both on the same level, and your interaction is one between equals.
 flyguy51
Joined: 8/11/2005
Msg: 115
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 1:29:58 PM
And what about a show like "What Not to Wear," where a person is comfortable wearing what they wear, but no one they know likes it? Then they are pressured to dress in a way that is outside their comfort zone. I thought I understood the concept until I heard the "I dress only for myself" mindset here...
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 116
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 2:35:18 PM
I'm sorry but the idea of negging sounds f*cking stupid.

I don't care if I'm talking to an Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence or Kristen Bell. If I want to show that I'm on equal footing with any girl then I'm going to carry myself with confidence and talk to them like I'm an man. Personally I'm just tired of the game playing, the "secrets" and "unwritten rules" of dating. There's too many women and too many people period in the world to worry about said rules and trying to adhere to them because most women are unique enough that they don't follow an set standard that's across the board and the qualities people usually look for in a mate tend to be common sense.

I found when I do my own thing it works, I personally don't believe in "The chase" or "treat her like crap" or "show no interest" there are times when I've been alone and I'm not expecting to meet an woman only for an woman to all of a sudden approach me and when that happens, I'm going to flirt, I'll show some interest if she's cool because it's obvious there's some there on her end and we'll exchange numbers. It's simple and easy, there's no breaking her down, there's no negging involved, there's no feigning disinterest. Just two people having an conversation that may or may not lead to something later on and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. If I go home alone then I go home alone because I left home alone, there was nothing gain or lost.


Moonbeamlover, well said. You can feel sexy and comfortable without it being a matter of others approving you or what you're wearing.

Maybe a lot of men don't wear anything for themselves, so they don't get the concept of it - but it's possible to look in a mirror, like what you see and then have it carry through your day independent of who you interact with.


I wouldn't say that, I think the biggest difference is a lot of men don't feel the need to get all dressed up and look nice to go somewhere minor. I get haircuts, dress nice and shave because I take pride in my appearance at the same time I'm an very practical person, I'm not buying a bunch of clothes when I don't need them.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 117
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 5:01:37 PM

I don't care if I'm talking to an Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence or Kristen Bell. If I want to show that I'm on equal footing with any girl then I'm going to carry myself with confidence and talk to them like I'm an man. Personally I'm just tired of the game playing, the "secrets" and "unwritten rules" of dating. There's too many women and too many people period in the world to worry about said rules and trying to adhere to them because most women are unique enough that they don't follow an set standard that's across the board and the qualities people usually look for in a mate tend to be common sense.

I found when I do my own thing it works, I personally don't believe in "The chase" or "treat her like crap" or "show no interest" there are times when I've been alone and I'm not expecting to meet an woman only for an woman to all of a sudden approach me and when that happens, I'm going to flirt, I'll show some interest if she's cool because it's obvious there's some there on her end and we'll exchange numbers. It's simple and easy, there's no breaking her down, there's no negging involved, there's no feigning disinterest. Just two people having an conversation that may or may not lead to something later on and if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. If I go home alone then I go home alone because I left home alone, there was nothing gain or lost.


Amen. The confidence of direct, no nonsense comfortable in one's own skin TALKING is SO refreshing. And what some people don't understand? While some people might "buy in" to people being jurks in trying to establish control; they will actually look insecure to people who are comfortable and not quick to buy in. I know I and many other women I know, tend to assume extreme insecurity where a person tries to make themselves look better at the expense of the other person. When a person is confident they are not threatened by how they think the other person feels; they know positive and positive can be REALLY good. So if I see someone come across like a bully or a disrespectful a**? I don't assume they are confident. I assume they are insecure and overcompensating. Because confident people don't NEED to put anyone else down to feel better about themselves, nor do they need to validate themselves by invalidating someone else.



I wouldn't say that, I think the biggest difference is a lot of men don't feel the need to get all dressed up and look nice to go somewhere minor. I get haircuts, dress nice and shave because I take pride in my appearance at the same time I'm an very practical person, I'm not buying a bunch of clothes when I don't need them.


I think some misunderstand dressing to feel sexy and dressing sexy as being interchangeable. There is a difference between dressing sexy and dressing to FEEL sexy. The one is in your face; the other isn't always. You can feel sexy while looking professional (extremely professional and even downright conservative clothes with EXTREMELY sexy underthings that no one but the wearer knows are under the outfit, etc.) can give a little bit of a twinkle that no one will recognize; but it is energizing . (though even while dressing professional I confess I STILL wear my wild shoes).

I know MANY men who have a dozen pair of black shoes; they have many kinds of suits and are extremely into fashion because THEY feel good wearing it. Others won't be caught dead in anything but jeans and t shirts. Nothing wrong with either one of them; they're a personal preference.

There is nothing wrong with any of them.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 118
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 6:28:30 PM
What we need is more bust
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 119
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 6:38:58 PM
You knew he wanted to use you, and were even insulted by it. And then you were surprised when he insulted you to your face?

The only difference between the two is one was blatant.

He tried honesty, everything else after that was your fault.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 120
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 7:26:40 PM

Amen. The confidence of direct, no nonsense comfortable in one's own skin TALKING is SO refreshing. And what some people don't understand? While some people might "buy in" to people being jurks in trying to establish control; they will actually look insecure to people who are comfortable and not quick to buy in. I know I and many other women I know, tend to assume extreme insecurity where a person tries to make themselves look better at the expense of the other person. When a person is confident they are not threatened by how they think the other person feels; they know positive and positive can be REALLY good. So if I see someone come across like a bully or a disrespectful a**? I don't assume they are confident. I assume they are insecure and overcompensating. Because confident people don't NEED to put anyone else down to feel better about themselves, nor do they need to validate themselves by invalidating someone else.


I totally agree. That's exactly what people are trying to emulate when they deconstruct these social interactions and use negs in the proper context. You don't need to be confident to succeed at dating, playing in a band, or anything else, but you need to be competent. If I know the basics of playing guitar, I'll do fine in a band, even if I'm a little nervous about going on stage. Many people don't feel confident until they've learned the basics and done something many times. Not everyone is a natural, so some people have to break things down and learn them step by step. It might sound silly to people are are naturally confident or naturally good at socializing, but everyone has their strength and weakness. A man should never bring a woman down because that implies that he's lower than her. Everyone should be seen as an equal.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 121
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 8:14:41 PM

Why do some women buy push-up bras? Get hair ripped from their bodies? I doubt they pursue pain to feel good about themselves (if they wanted to feel good, they could consume comfort food or treat themselves to an event they like or accomplish an achievement or...). They go thru all that effort on the "outer shell" in order to attract attention.





I think it’s because some of us have the desire to look well-groomed and fashionable. Looking good makes us feel good about ourselves. I think that's true of most people.




I honestly believe in a lot of cases it is a sport of one upmanship between us women. We ARE competitive@@@!!
And dang catty at it too. *snicker
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 122
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 10:43:42 PM
Comedian Larry Miller had a routine from 30 years ago about how men see women like a lion stalking a herd of zebras, and women see men as basically big dogs that talk, with thoughts like, "Who DRESSED you this morning?!?" running through their minds. Seems to me that is EXACTLY what 'negging' is all about, except guys apparently say it out loud with no filter. To paraphrase Mark Twain, just because you don't open your mouth to prove you are a fool doesn't mean you're not.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 123
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/25/2014 11:10:43 PM

To paraphrase Mark Twain, just because you don't open your mouth to prove you are a fool doesn't mean you're not.


Haha, awesome.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 124
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/26/2014 6:34:48 AM

Amen. The confidence of direct, no nonsense comfortable in one's own skin TALKING is SO refreshing. And what some people don't understand? While some people might "buy in" to people being jurks in trying to establish control; they will actually look insecure to people who are comfortable and not quick to buy in. I know I and many other women I know, tend to assume extreme insecurity where a person tries to make themselves look better at the expense of the other person. When a person is confident they are not threatened by how they think the other person feels; they know positive and positive can be REALLY good. So if I see someone come across like a bully or a disrespectful a**? I don't assume they are confident. I assume they are insecure and overcompensating. Because confident people don't NEED to put anyone else down to feel better about themselves, nor do they need to validate themselves by invalidating someone else.


Dating itself can be an chore so I try to have fun with it or have some kind of learning experience from each date, I find when people start overthinking and using dating like it's an game, they just end up resenting the opposite sex and I say this being someone who's sarcastic as hell but I only show that side to people who actually know me or after I become comfortable enough to show it and my sarcasm tends to be aimed at myself or the situation.



I think some misunderstand dressing to feel sexy and dressing sexy as being interchangeable. There is a difference between dressing sexy and dressing to FEEL sexy. The one is in your face; the other isn't always. You can feel sexy while looking professional (extremely professional and even downright conservative clothes with EXTREMELY sexy underthings that no one but the wearer knows are under the outfit, etc.) can give a little bit of a twinkle that no one will recognize; but it is energizing . (though even while dressing professional I confess I STILL wear my wild shoes).

I know MANY men who have a dozen pair of black shoes; they have many kinds of suits and are extremely into fashion because THEY feel good wearing it. Others won't be caught dead in anything but jeans and t shirts. Nothing wrong with either one of them; they're a personal preference.

There is nothing wrong with any of them.


Oh I understand it, I'm just more of the T-shirts and Jeans type of guy, I'll dress nice when I'm going out to an club or an trendy bar but I'm not really wearing suits unless I absolutely have to, in fact I probably need to get myself tailored as a lot of my suits are probably oversized, it could be that I have to wear an uniform all the time so when I'm not working I want to relax in comfortable civilian clothing.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/28/2014 10:45:03 AM

Negging is nothing but a form of control. A man wants to give a crumb to a starving person in hopes they will depend on him for their survival. If your self-esteem is low then this manipulating tactic may work but if it's high then it won't. I remember dating a guy back in 2004 that told me I would look younger if I colored my hair. I told him he would be better looking only if he got plastic surgery. LOL (I STILL can't believe I even went out with that wart hog but hindsight is 20-20.)


That's not negging. You're thinking of teasing or talking down to someone.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Beware of negging!!