Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Beware of negging!!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 123
Beware of negging!!Page 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

To paraphrase Mark Twain, just because you don't open your mouth to prove you are a fool doesn't mean you're not.


Haha, awesome.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 124
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/26/2014 6:34:48 AM

Amen. The confidence of direct, no nonsense comfortable in one's own skin TALKING is SO refreshing. And what some people don't understand? While some people might "buy in" to people being jurks in trying to establish control; they will actually look insecure to people who are comfortable and not quick to buy in. I know I and many other women I know, tend to assume extreme insecurity where a person tries to make themselves look better at the expense of the other person. When a person is confident they are not threatened by how they think the other person feels; they know positive and positive can be REALLY good. So if I see someone come across like a bully or a disrespectful a**? I don't assume they are confident. I assume they are insecure and overcompensating. Because confident people don't NEED to put anyone else down to feel better about themselves, nor do they need to validate themselves by invalidating someone else.


Dating itself can be an chore so I try to have fun with it or have some kind of learning experience from each date, I find when people start overthinking and using dating like it's an game, they just end up resenting the opposite sex and I say this being someone who's sarcastic as hell but I only show that side to people who actually know me or after I become comfortable enough to show it and my sarcasm tends to be aimed at myself or the situation.



I think some misunderstand dressing to feel sexy and dressing sexy as being interchangeable. There is a difference between dressing sexy and dressing to FEEL sexy. The one is in your face; the other isn't always. You can feel sexy while looking professional (extremely professional and even downright conservative clothes with EXTREMELY sexy underthings that no one but the wearer knows are under the outfit, etc.) can give a little bit of a twinkle that no one will recognize; but it is energizing . (though even while dressing professional I confess I STILL wear my wild shoes).

I know MANY men who have a dozen pair of black shoes; they have many kinds of suits and are extremely into fashion because THEY feel good wearing it. Others won't be caught dead in anything but jeans and t shirts. Nothing wrong with either one of them; they're a personal preference.

There is nothing wrong with any of them.


Oh I understand it, I'm just more of the T-shirts and Jeans type of guy, I'll dress nice when I'm going out to an club or an trendy bar but I'm not really wearing suits unless I absolutely have to, in fact I probably need to get myself tailored as a lot of my suits are probably oversized, it could be that I have to wear an uniform all the time so when I'm not working I want to relax in comfortable civilian clothing.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/28/2014 10:45:03 AM

Negging is nothing but a form of control. A man wants to give a crumb to a starving person in hopes they will depend on him for their survival. If your self-esteem is low then this manipulating tactic may work but if it's high then it won't. I remember dating a guy back in 2004 that told me I would look younger if I colored my hair. I told him he would be better looking only if he got plastic surgery. LOL (I STILL can't believe I even went out with that wart hog but hindsight is 20-20.)


That's not negging. You're thinking of teasing or talking down to someone.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 126
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/28/2014 10:21:23 PM
TuMuchFun, what we need is more cowbell.

I have to admit, I won't be wearing clothes that make my body look fake--no push up everything. For example, what's inside my head is far more important than putting a rug on my scalp to hide what I am (bald). Faking my looks won't make me feel better about myself, which is why I won't attract someone who isn't happy with how their body has turned out. I will meet people who do feel that faking it looks better, and we won't be seeing eye to eye. What they think is important...isn't so much to me.

Were I to meet a partner who told me to dress in a way that makes THEM look better for choosing me...then, yeah, we'd be breaking up before that time, b/c their attitude is self focused, and revealed itself before those requests came up. Their claim that, "I'm doing you a favor"? Uh, no, you're doing it for yourself. You want me to impress people for you, let me talk, that'll be enough :)

I avoid jerk-off behavior like "negging" by avoiding jerk-offs. Its funny how you get one by getting the other :) but, to go back to the unmentioned point--when you're hot for someone, you don't care what the behavior is. a woman can be an ice queen, and guys will still trail behind. women who love to win a guy, love the games. those who want a relationship, want to skip the games and get a relationship, not a moron.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 127
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 7:34:56 AM
"I try to look nice so that I don't look "ragged out".....not nessesarily to make a good impression but to not make a bad one. Make sense? "

>>>makes perfect sense to me, but I find there's a difference between looking nice, and looking sexy. the former is done with clothes that look good-whether on your bed or on you. the latter involves clothes that make your body look good.

I spent the weekend w/ an old friend who was born w/ a body that'll never go pear-shaped (ie, she looks like some of the ladies here--born with some advantage to work with). I mentioned this thread, and she thought about it over the weekend and she decided, "you know, I used to do what the hotshots and the superficials and the other jerks wanted, and you know what it got me? the jerks. Now I'm 55. I've got stretch marks from kids, my medications are thickening my middle, and the girls are going south. If I try to make myself look 30, you know what I attract? guys my age who want a 30 year old. then they remove the packaging and don't care for the gift they get. why do I need that? If I want someone to like what I am, I have to be what I am."

my friend dresses like someone from a catalog, and I don't mean the VS catalog. the colors match her skin tone, she doesn't look like someone's mom, she gets complimented on what she's wearing, not how it looks on her. I think there's a great big middle ground between "sexy" and "slobby". Myself, whether I wear tight pants and a low neckline, a tie and a suit, or a clean T-shirt...I get the same attention or lack thereof.

so I'd rather be noticed for what's coming out of my mouth than my baby-butt. Or when I go into a poor neighborhood, I don't try to look wealthy--who wants that type of attention? Its that "bad impression" you spoke of. I think everyone gets the attention they dress for. I had a friend in NYC who wore a waterbra until she got sick of all the attention, and I always wondered what her bf thought about the whole thing.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 128
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 7:54:27 AM
In an article in Psycology Today they said:

"When receiving clear signals of interest from another person, a person is momentarily pleased, adapts quickly, and the case is closed. But when interest is uncertain, a person can think of little else; they are constantly in search of an explanation. Eventually the person interprets these thoughts as a sign of liking and think, "Gee, I must really like this person if I can't stop thinking about him!" (Whitchurch, Wilson, & Gilbert, in press). Every petal peeled off the rose while saying, "He loves me, he loves me not..." is a step closer to attraction."

The Most Powerful Law of Attraction
A study uncovers the best way to get someone interested.
Published on January 5, 2011 by Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D. in Beautiful Minds

In other words. You increase attraction not by telling a woman that you like her a lot. But by expressing that MAYBE you like her.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 129
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 10:33:53 AM
^^

I remember taking Educational Psych in undergrad (when I thought I might want to be a teacher, which that class sort of convinced me otherwise, but that's another story). RE: this thread: one thing I learned in that class (and gosh I hope I'm remembering it right - I do know it struck me at the time, which was a long time ago) is praise given regularly/consistently is not as effective in terms of motivating student behavior as when it's not given at each success and is something that students can't 'expect' or count on.

In interpersonal relationships though for me? After being in one of those 'he loves me/he loves me not' relationship I know (because I can absolutely recognize the pattern) as soon as I find myself wondering if someone likes me or am thinking only maybe they do, I've lost interest. If someone tells me they like me a lot? Or (better yet) SHOWS me they are really interested in me? That is what I respond to. What I personally find attractive.

Found myself talking to 2 people (neither from PoF, lol) last week. One guy was a bit of an inconsistent communicator and I never got a strong indicator that he was all that interested in me. Other guy was much more upfront, interested and complimentary in his communication.

Guess which guy I suggested a get-together with? That would be Guy #2. (Yes, women DO extend invites as I'm equally disinterested in playing hard to get as I am dealing with someone who is). I'm happy to say we met, had dinner and ended up talking to midnight. I hope we continue to communication and get together again.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 130
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 10:42:16 AM
My fiancé never left me in any doubt as to his interest in me. He told me, AND he showed me. And guess who I'm engaged to, today?

I'm with RFSF all the way. Give me a guy who shows me how he feels any day of the week. All those stupid games are for the birds, as far as I'm concerned. If you're a grown man and can't figure out what you want (or need to act as if you can't because you think that way you'll be more attractive), I have no interest.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 131
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 12:15:41 PM

In other words. You increase attraction not by telling a woman that you like her a lot. But by expressing that MAYBE you like her.


That might work for some women who don't have options, but it doesn't work for all women. If a man didn't express consistent interest in me, I lost interest in him.

If for any reason he started man-caving, rubber-banding, pulling away then snapping back, boomeranging, making curtain calls, etc., I would drop him like a rock. I don't need to put up with that crap---there are too many other men out there that don't play those childish games.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 132
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 1:03:23 PM

In other words. You increase attraction not by telling a woman that you like her a lot. But by expressing that MAYBE you like her.


- Lets' take it a step further... in many cases, to stay in love, she has to believe that you can live without her.

Now I'm gonna go duck from all the rotten tomatoes that are going to be thrown at me!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 133
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 1:08:42 PM

When receiving clear signals of interest from another person, a person is momentarily pleased, adapts quickly, and the case is closed. But when interest is uncertain, a person can think of little else; they are constantly in search of an explanation. Eventually the person interprets these thoughts as a sign of liking and think, "Gee, I must really like this person if I can't stop thinking about him!" (Whitchurch, Wilson, & Gilbert, in press). Every petal peeled off the rose while saying, "He loves me, he loves me not..." is a step closer to attraction."

The Most Powerful Law of Attraction
A study uncovers the best way to get someone interested.
Published on January 5, 2011 by Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D. in Beautiful Minds

I guess I'd be interested in what cross section of women this study was based on. There are no cases after I was like 14 years old and too stupid to know better that uncertainty actually made me more interested in someone. If I was interested in someone who was so-so in return I would shrug and move on. If I wasn't interested in a guy and he was so-so and I was actually paying any attention to him I'd think it was good he felt that way cause it took the pressure off me to deal with him in any way.

In other words. You increase attraction not by telling a woman that you like her a lot. But by expressing that MAYBE you like her.

When we meet people we don't know we are all in the maybe stage. Stating the obvious would be kind of odd to me since there's no other way to be with someone you don't know more than a half hour or so.

Lets' take it a step further... in many cases, to stay in love, she has to believe that you can live without her.

More stating the obvious. OF COURSE both can live without each other - they may or may not want to. But technically they can. I would never want to entertain a guy who thought for any amount of time that he couldn't live without me. That would be kind of stupid.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 134
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 1:09:06 PM
^^ (#142) Oh sure.

I imagine that divorce courts are FULL of women who left their husbands because they came home each night and consistently let them know how much they were appreciated!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 135
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 1:15:25 PM
Now I'm gonna go duck from all the rotten tomatoes that are going to be thrown at me!


I hear you dude.

This happened to a couple of friends that tend to come to me for advice. One guy was pursuing this girl and she kept postponing and making herself not available. Then she goes camping one time and asks him to come. He can't go, because he has other plans related to work (trip to LA to manage a group there). The relationship, which was not exclusive at this point sort of goes south. He ask me what to do. I tell him to tell her No. The next time. To stop sending her emails. It's time that she shows effort. He wanted to try other things, but decides to do what I told him. Since he told her No, she has pursue him a couple of times and they started dating again.

Of course this is not negging, but it's at the core of the concept, which is NOT to put women on pedestals.


in many cases, to stay in love, she has to believe that you can live without her.


I don't think this applies to when YOU are in a relationship. Only when you're dating and creating those bonds. If I tell a woman on my first date "I love you." Nine out of ten chances she will think I am weird and write me off. I think a guy can show interest, but also not show too much interest, until the relationship grows.

My girlfriend and I don't play that game because we are at that stage where we have declared our intentions and are on the same track, particularly emotionally. I don't mind sending her stupid emails all day saying how much I love her, and she does the same thing back. But would I have done that on our first month of dating? Not at all.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 136
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 5:18:01 PM

My girlfriend and I don't play that game because we are at that stage where we have declared our intentions and are on the same track, particularly emotionally. I don't mind sending her stupid emails all day saying how much I love her, and she does the same thing back. But would I have done that on our first month of dating? Not at all.

It would be too soon in the first month of dating to say that - you have nothing to base it on, something like that takes time to develop. Once you're together a while it's actually possible to be in love with or to say you love someone - because you've had a chance for it to grow into that.

That's why I'd think it was weird - not because he's showing too much interest, but because he'd not be telling me the truth - consciously or not - it wouldn't be a possibility so soon.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 137
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 6:33:16 PM
It would be too soon in the first month of dating to say that - you have nothing to base it on, something like that takes time to develop. Once you're together a while it's actually possible to be in love with or to say you love someone - because you've had a chance for it to grow into that.


And I said a little before that....
I don't think this applies to when YOU are in a relationship. Only when you're dating and creating those bonds. If I tell a woman on my first date "I love you." Nine out of ten chances she will think I am weird and write me off.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 138
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/29/2014 7:06:13 PM
LAgoodguy

What sort of reasoning is that. Not attracted but felt maybe FWB which means sex without commitment, would work? The guy was not doing well otherwise and so resorted back to her.
She was buying into it all otherwise she would have deleted him from the getgo.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 139
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 7:55:14 AM
1)Its interesting that one can take a bunch of women, tell this theory to them, and they'll say they would spot that in a second, but later on....get them to talk about past relationships, and they'll remember a man who treated them this way for a year. Apparently, either (1) they COULDN'T spot it as instantly as they think, or (2) it works on young women not looking for marriage, b/c back then romance is about having fun playing games, not finding a partner to procreate with.

2) I'll just quote WiP, only b/c she put it into words, not to keep picking on her :) :

"When we meet people we don't know, we are all in the "maybe stage". Stating the obvious would be kind of odd to me since there's no other way to be with someone you don't know more than a half hour or so....(we)both can live without each other - they may or may not want to. But technically they can. I would never want to entertain a guy who thought for any amount of time that he couldn't live without me."

and that's why negging, cat-string theory, push-pull, and all the other PUA games where a guy acts the opposite of a door mat, acts like he may be interested but that's it, that she has to prove herself worthy to him, that he could walk at any time....works. There may be different methods to get to the same end, but the end ...works. So much better than gushing over someone's "awesomeness", as an average guy will do in front of some goddess.

As I said prior, and WiP said in her post, it only works on someone who was interested in you in the first place. that of course, is what the PUA courses you pay for DON'T want to say, or who would pay for it?
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 140
view profile
History
Beware of negging!
Posted: 9/30/2014 8:39:31 AM
Psychology Today magazine. Courses. 'Experts'

Ha!Ha! That is what people follow?

Humans are not magical beings. If you want a women to be interested then be respectful, confident and make her feel secure. The rest is hocus pocus akin to 5 million fool proof diet plans to lose weight...all promoted by 'experts'.

Games and more games and the never ending on-going hunt for secrets. 'How to seduce a woman'...books from the 60's.....YouTube video advice today....all friggin comical. Relationship gurus.

Have a woman think 'maybe'??? Does an adult male with a brain actually follow this stuff? It is more akin to two teen age boys trying to 'figure out' girls. Set a scheme and lure her to a date.
 fuglygirl
Joined: 8/28/2014
Msg: 141
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 8:43:06 AM
virtually everyone believes that tactics or gimmicks do not work on them, they are above all taht

advertising does not sway them..it does not sway anyone..thus major corporations are fools for continaully spending $ billions per annum on advertising. and people buy the advertised products..not because of the advertising, but because they happen to be the BEST products..yeah, right..
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 142
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 8:53:03 AM
^^^Are you trying to tell me that the $100 jar of facial cream won't necessarily make people look 20 years younger? I better wait for the $200 jar of cream that will guarantee that I'll look like a high school kid again.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 143
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 9:03:25 AM

and that's why negging, cat-string theory, push-pull, and all the other PUA games where a guy acts the opposite of a door mat, acts like he may be interested but that's it, that she has to prove herself worthy to him, that he could walk at any time....works. There may be different methods to get to the same end, but the end ...works. So much better than gushing over someone's "awesomeness", as an average guy will do in front of some goddess.

As I said prior, and WiP said in her post, it only works on someone who was interested in you in the first place. that of course, is what the PUA courses you pay for DON'T want to say, or who would pay for it?

My quote was about someone I was involved with a while. That has nothing to do with proving you are worthy to a guy - at least in my case it doesn't. I am usually where I am because I choose to be. If I start feeling like I have to prove myself I'm likely to second guess being there and I'll probably leave because to me that's not what works for me.

Then again I don't treat dating or relationships with any priority and I never have really so for the most part I'm not that broken up about ending up single again when it happens. To me liking a guy and wanting to get/stay involved with him aren't really connected.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 144
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 9:29:18 AM
^^^

Funky girl

Sure tactics work.. .the difference between advertising moguls and dating gurus is actual research. Dating gurus are basically the proverbial overgrown boy in his underwear sitting in mom's basement....spouting out 'secret tactics'. Make a woman think 'maybe'...tweak her curiosity...make her want more...reel her in like a fish on a lure.' Other males, also in their mothers basement, start to lap this stuff up. Self fulfilling insanity...then next month they wonder why they still don't have a girlfriend.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 145
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 9:38:37 AM
I suspect from the words she--or he, sometimes funky "thinks" like a man--was being sarcastic in that post.

Some of the dating gurus who have been in the biz for a while, started using Psych research and done testing. The problem? they tend to use what works on the particular type of woman they want...and forget/fail to realize that not everyone's the same.

some women have different purposes in dating, so they respond to different "bait".
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 146
view profile
History
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 9:54:09 AM

Funky girl

Sure tactics work.. .the difference between advertising moguls and dating gurus is actual research. Dating gurus are basically the proverbial overgrown boy in his underwear sitting in mom's basement....spouting out 'secret tactics'. Make a woman think 'maybe'...tweak her curiosity...make her want more...reel her in like a fish on a lure.' Other males, also in their mothers basement, start to lap this stuff up. Self fulfilling insanity...then next month they wonder why they still don't have a girlfriend.


You can criticize them all you want, but they're giving out more free information to help people with dating than you are. Many of them get hired by companies to speak to their employees about interpersonal communication, advertising, marketing, how to conduct interviews, motivation, and productivity. I'm not saying these guys have all the answers, but they're doing something positive and making money for themselves. I agree with some of the things they say. One of them being, go out and get reference experiences.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 147
Beware of negging!!
Posted: 9/30/2014 10:33:24 AM

Dating gurus are basically the proverbial overgrown boy in his underwear sitting in mom's basement....spouting out 'secret tactics'.


Spoken like someone that has no idea what he is talking about.

I am not an advocate of negging and do not use it. However, if you understand the principles, the psycology, even the strategy that PUA's use and had applied them, you may not say the above. I would say that about 70 percent of the ideas they provide are right on the money. How can I say that? The proof was in the amount of women I went out with, and how dates that one point were frustrating, after learning a few things, they were quite successful.

What any grown man needs to do is take what works for them, ignore what does not work, and understand your target audience. Are you going after 20 year-olds hagging out at clubs? Or are you interested in professional women, women that have children or careers?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Beware of negging!!