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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.      Home login  
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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 26
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
If you are in a long term relationship, and your needs aren't being met, you have four solutions:

1)Leave. but if there are children involved or financial concerns, this may not be an option.

2)Get your partner to change their set ways, so that they do give you your needs for the rest of the relationship. This will only work on partners who WANT to change.

3)Somehow, silence your needs. But they'll likely come out in some other activity/way.

4)Go find someone else who is lonely and willing to give you what you need.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 27
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 7:39:54 AM

3)Somehow, silence your needs. But they'll likely come out in some other activity/way.


This is what some therapist call emotional divorce. And this is what most people do. They want to avoid the pain, so they stay in a bad relationship, piling up resentment and sometimes anger. They don't try to solve the problem. And when they do, realize that it's too complicated and it will require more work than they are willing to do, particularly since they still not agree with what the answer may be.

I am not trying to justify here the behavior of this particular type of cheater. Just explain what took that couple there. The frustrated one may be the one that does not cheat, but it's passive and willing to accept the above as fate, while the cheater is the one that took the action and bailed out.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 28
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 12:16:54 PM

Every single guy that I have been dating back to my teenage years to now has cheated on me. No exceptions. The reasons are probably because they had the opportunity and wanted their cake and eat it too. I have always found out, always. That's why I'm still single - I don't trust men. I think they all cheat.


The numbers do not back you up.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/22/how-common-is-cheating-infidelity-really/


In a 1993 probability sample that included 1194 married adults, 1.2% had EM sex in the last 30 days, 3.6% had EM sex in the last year, and 6.4% had EM sex in the last 5 years (Leigh, Temple, & Trocki, 1993). These results possibly indicate that the number of EM sexual involvements in any given year is quite low, but that over the lifetime of a relationship this number is notably higher.
In general, based on the above data, we can conclude that over the course of married, heterosexual relationships in the United States, EM sex occurs in less than 25% of committed relationships

If you can honestly say, “Every single guy that I have been dating back to my teenage years to now has cheated on me”, then I think you need to seriously look at the common denominator. Which is you, by the way. Maybe your picker is broken?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 1:45:54 PM

Maybe your picker is broken?


You should've invested in duct tape a long time ago.
 overunity
Joined: 8/16/2014
Msg: 30
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History
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 1:47:52 PM
^^^^ I agree henry about the common denominator thing. And then the "get even for it" actions with much younger boys. Well the boys win again I guess.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 31
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 4:00:10 PM

OP says he isn't upset at losing the mate, is standard-issue, ego/soul-protecting denial.


I never said I wasn't upset that I was cheated on, because trust me I was, and still am to some degree. The reason why it is easy to write off in the end is because I did not lose anything. It is only a loss in this context when you lose a person of value. And I don't consider a person valuable to me if they....

A relationship that displays any of these qualities:

a lack of self-respect, respect toward the relationship, respect toward the partner in the relationship, and a general deficiency of decency or ability to be empathetic.

If they present themselves in such a way, they are not stable enough to be in a relationship of value. I can't invest my emotions in a person like that. So yeah, in the end after the dust settles - why even be upset?

Because the only thing left to be upset about is the time and emotion invested. And the best way to get over that is justification through lesson learned. If you learn something, you always win.

And because the thought of having to invest emotion again, to trust again, to put yourself out there again... while it is a necessary expenditure. I'll be god damned if anyone actually looks forward to dating again after the fact. Regardless of how the last relationship ended, its never something to be anticipated with excitement. Low expectations are what keeps you sane, and a healthy sense of humor.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 32
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 4:18:23 PM
No. I'm pretty sure 'no'. I also would never date a man who had cheated in the past. It is just not the type of guy I could bond with...I need complete trust. I like absolute emotional closeness.

Me? Not even a concept in my brain. I never think about males in a sexual way until they are my partner. I'd be the perfect nun. Once I'm in a committed relationship then I'm my guy's private slut...

People have all means of justifying cheating. Meh. Be honest with your partner or get out of the relationship. Anything other than some mutual agreed to alternate lifestyle is just 'cheating' regardless how it is wrapped up.

All these 'reasons' for cheating are minor in the scale of making a moral decision. It separates a man with self worth and integrity from one that doesn't value these above all else.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 33
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 4:43:06 PM
All these 'reasons' for cheating are minor in the scale of making a moral decision. It separates a man with self worth and integrity from one that doesn't value these above all else.


See, you're a god damn genius. There is no excuse for any type of indecency, it is a simple moral decision to be a good person. It requires moral compass, respect, and empathy.

It requires a person who is capable of thinking outside their own shoes if you get what I mean. If they can for any reason justify an indecent act, by calling that act a need, they instantly prove themselves to be self centered. They prove that their "need" outweighs any potential damage that need could inflict.

They are worthless because they are sociopathic. They use people as stepping stones, and they are capable of presenting themselves differently. They look at prospects for personal gain, and are incapable of understanding the value of that persons feelings.

But the reality is that a good to fair ratio of the population believes they are entitled to meeting their needs at the expense of decency. And that shit is unacceptable.
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 34
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 5:29:00 PM

If you are in a long term relationship, and your needs aren't being met, you have four solutions:

1)Leave. but if there are children involved or financial concerns, this may not be an option.

2)Get your partner to change their set ways, so that they do give you your needs for the rest of the relationship. This will only work on partners who WANT to change.

3)Somehow, silence your needs. But they'll likely come out in some other activity/way.

4)Go find someone else who is lonely and willing to give you what you need.



No, you don't have 4 solutions ... #4 isn't a solution at all.

If your needs are not being met in a relationship you can choose to accept it, change it, or leave. Cheating should never be considered an option.

I don't even notice other guys when I am happy in a relationship. When I start noticing other guys, I realize that something is wrong and that I need to go fix it or leave. I don't believe in cheating. I've always said I would leave before cheating on someone and that is truly the way it is.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 35
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 5:44:19 PM
If you are in a long term relationship, and your needs aren't being met, you have four solutions:

1)Leave. but if there are children involved or financial concerns, this may not be an option.

2)Get your partner to change their set ways, so that they do give you your needs for the rest of the relationship. This will only work on partners who WANT to change.

3)Somehow, silence your needs. But they'll likely come out in some other activity/way.

4)Go find someone else who is lonely and willing to give you what you need.


Down to earth and very true.

@PDA
Number 4 is viable if number 1 is a factor.If your mate has some sort of issue they cannot deal with,you don't throw everything out.You wait until the children are older.Many people will put their children before anything else.

@activemelaney

I really get get a kick out of your drag show.:)
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 36
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 7:07:58 PM
People's context for 'cheating' is based mostly on their own narrow window of experience, and little else - we've already seen that through a number of posts in here. It doesn't mean it didn't happen or it's not important the way it happened to you - but the world is a big place, and people ARE different.

A lot of what is being put forth in other threads in these forums are examples of short-term betrayals from people who may or may not be justified in claiming their partnership status with another. Sure, the person who's 'plural' dating may be a chronic cheater, but if you're only on your third date, who are YOU to claim 'exclusivity' in that relationship? That error makes the betrayal seem much worse than it need be - and being generally ignorant of the cheating behavior and getting emotionally invested in someone too soon makes it worse. There's is plenty of 'pain' generated OUTSIDE of the cheater that has nothing to do with them.

People 'cheat' on their significant others through all kinds of ignorant actions - and they don't even require an outright physical or emotional betrayal to do it. In the long term, people grow ignorant of each others' needs, and don't even give it a second thought that their emotional investments in church, children, community and the workplace are indeed stealing away from their emotional investments in each other. It happens. AND it happens from both sides. AT the same time.

Maybe instead of needlessly probing for a reason why someone else has cheated and all the sour grapes that go with it - you should try to look a little better into how people STAY TOGETHER instead. Constant use of good communication, patience, reciprocation, attention, sympathy, tolerance - it makes people WANT to stay around.

One thing about modern/online dating that I have noticed is how there is almost ZERO patience for anyone anymore. People jump from relationships into others faster than you can re-set a video game. They want the quick fix. They want the magic 'signal' that tells them this is right - or run! If it's anything short of 100 percent perfect, it gets second-guessed INSTANTLY and with little thought if that guess is accurate or not. And the funny part is that they get mad when the other person decides to dump or cheat on them first!

They wish and wish and wish and hope and pray and plead -- but they don't WORK at it. Actions mean something, people. The broken 'people picker' is a myth created by people who are too afraid to try, and are unwilling to second-guess themselves. I keep preaching self-examination to a lot of forum posts in here, because people just absolutely REFUSE to see themselves as part of the problem and want to find out how or why or when what action the OTHER person has done makes it 'wrong'.

You goal should be trying to BUILD a relationship worth sticking to it, not WANTING one. You should be giving your significant other some damn good reasons to trust you and rely on you - and sorry to say this, but just 'being' who you are is NEVER enough. Like Burgess Meredith said in the 'Grumpy Old Men' movie -- "You can wish in one hand, and crap in the other, and see which one gets filled up first."
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 37
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 7:28:36 PM

If your needs are not being met in a relationship you can choose to accept it, change it, or leave. Cheating should never be considered an option.


Ideally this would be right. But in reality, this is one of the things that people do. It happens. It happens A LOT.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 38
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History
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 8:22:47 PM
"Does this woman's husband know that you had an affair with her and you still consider her as a friend? If I was with a woman and found out she is still friends with a guy she had an affair with-no matter if it is while I was with her or in some other relationship-she would be history. All trust would be gone if she feels a need to hang on to a cheater. You can't feel that much guilt if you see nothing wrong with that."-maleman999


I believe he suspected. I was on the fence about telling him for awhile, but decided that it would do more harm than good to tell him. Whether that was right or wrong, who knows? They have a good life together now, with a beautiful baby and a big house and family and friends. It's everything I can never have. Of course I feel bad about what I did, I will just have to live with it and never do anything like that again.
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 39
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 8:49:44 PM

@PDA
Number 4 is viable if number 1 is a factor.If your mate has some sort of issue they cannot deal with,you don't throw everything out.You wait until the children are older.Many people will put their children before anything else.


To me, and I am sure some others, that still does not make it a factor. If you choose to stay with your spouse/SO for whatever reason when there are issues, then it still does not give you a reason or excuse to cheat. You are choosing to stay so you need to choose not to cheat as well.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 40
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 9/30/2014 9:11:48 PM
Anyone who cheats, no matter the circumstance is no longer a viable partner. Any chance of a relationship is trashed the second your partner decides to look elsewhere. Because they become the ones who have betrayed you, they become the ones who aren't capable of communicating issues if it got that bad. Or they are cowards who use you as a placeholder so to speak.

The reason being is they're morally incapable of substantial love, both in giving and receiving. And on top of moral capabilities, it shows a complete lack of respect.

Once the love is gone, the only thing left to do is be honest. Cheating is not an option, being with a cheater not an option.

If you can't get respect, and if your values are too different, then the relationship is trashed.

You can't change people, hell most people can't change themselves for the better.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 41
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:30:44 AM
@PDA
If the SO is unavailable emotionally and physically I wouldn't see it as cheating,just coping.You're maintaining a front for children and a unified home,that's it.

@vector
Living with a cheater might be a necessary evil if kids are involved.Everything gets weighed.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 42
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:11:22 AM

Anyone who cheats, no matter the circumstance is no longer a viable partner. Any chance of a relationship is trashed the second your partner decides to look elsewhere. Because they become the ones who have betrayed you, they become the ones who aren't capable of communicating issues if it got that bad. Or they are cowards who use you as a placeholder so to speak.


I like this statement. I apply it to my life and the way I have looked for and dated women. Why? Because I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, and what you are capable of doing once, you will do it again.

Also if you get in a relationship with someone that is married with the hopes that then the relationship will work, it won't. The same way you enter the relationship is the way you will exit. If she/he cheated on someone to be with you, they will do it to you when they seek someone else.

Have I been in difficult relationships where I wanted out, or even looked at what may be out there? Yes. But that is the difference between cheating and not cheating. If it's not working, get out of the relationship before you look elsewhere.
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 43
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:01:50 PM

Have you ever been cheated on? And why?


For those who say they’ve never been cheated on; how would you know…for sure, absolutely.

Same goes for those who say they would never date a cheater. I don’t think I have ever met a man who has said, “hey, I cheat”. Even if they have it is not something one is likely to admit.

So honestly, I cannot really say if I have been cheated on.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 44
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:40:13 PM

For those who say they’ve never been cheated on; how would you know…for sure, absolutely.


Exactly.And in today's electronic world,most any woman can kick ass 10 times over on any man without breaking a sweat.Ashley Madison bragged that they signed up 29,000 women in one year in this city of 1.2 million.Paid members.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 45
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 10:15:21 AM
I cheated once and left a marriage. Married the girl I cheated with. She cheated on me.

Karma's a b!tch, eh?
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 46
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 10:54:34 AM
I'm a flawed man with questionable character traits. Check.

"Show me a man who lives alone and has a perpetually clean kitchen, and 8 times out of 9 I'll show you a man with detestable spiritual qualities." - Charles Bukowski
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 47
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 11:56:28 AM
If a man has a perpetually clean kitchen, but has containers all over the place from fast food restaurants and take-out places, would the same rule apply?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 48
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 1:11:13 PM

I cheated once and left a marriage. Married the girl I cheated with. She cheated on me.

Karma's a b!tch, eh?


Ouch dude. But if you have been following my argument, what does that make you, a perpetual cheater, or someone that ended up looking outside of the relationship what was missing IN IT? Not to condone and make it acceptable, but what your marriage honkey dorey? Was the sex good? Were you two already playing emotional divorce?

I'm not judging you, just exploring the complexities of the issue.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 49
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 1:17:37 PM
I've known two couples who survived cheating to grow old together (as a kid I hung out w/ my parents' friends). One couple had a load of kids, and felt there was more to a marriage than just their ego, so like the other couple, they went to counseling and found....there isn't just one bad person in a cheating situation. The cheated partner in both situations realized they had taken too many things for granted. do two wrongs make a right? YMMV.

a single man with a clean kitchen is...a bachelor who eats out.

It isn't karma running over your dogma, that causes a person involved with cheating to keep...doing what feels good, regardless of outcome. people do what works for them, and if they have the looks to keep finding people who will let them do what feels good...why should they attempt to fix that?

I'll confess, I hooked up w/ a taken woman over a decade ago, who during our weekend tryst called her partner to say goodnight to her kids while she was sitting buck nekkid next to me. I didn't judge her, in order to realize where any relationship with her would go. finding out the next day at breakfast she had a jewelery store credit card in his name, to punish him anytime she got angry with him? confirmation.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 50
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/3/2014 2:34:06 PM
Only one that I know of which is fine with me because it was a sexless relationship anyway, bound to end. 'Staying together for the kids', as they say. I will always be seen as the good person for being the loyal 'good' one. That's karma working just as it should be.
As for the rest of them? Don't know, don't care. It's in the past.
They were good to me, I was good to them which is good enough to live by.
And nowadays, I can honestly say I am not being cheated on... why?
I'm quite happily faithful to my always satisfied single self! lmao!


There's another kind of cheater too. The one who flirts, tempts themselves or others but never actually do the deed.
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