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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.      Home login  
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 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 51
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


I have been cheated on, and I never cheated on any woman. I always felt that if she thought enough of me to want to be with me, then I owed it to her to be faithful. If you want out for whatever reason, say so, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I may not like it, but if you think this won't work, then you'll just save me from a bunch of grief later on.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 52
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/4/2014 7:46:37 AM
IG...we were emotionally divorced years before I left. We took each other for granted and existed like that for years. What's that expression? I chose certain misery over the misery of uncertainty (leaving her). I finally chose happiness. Nothing was more painful to me then saying goodbye to our son and explaining to him that it was not his fault. I was partially responsible for creating a single mother situation and I will carry that guilt to the grave.

I don't know. Cheating is cheating. I'm not sure one type of cheater is better then another? I suffered emotionally so I cheated vs. a womanizer and liar (i.e. perpetual cheater)? The alcoholic that drinks in the evenings vs the alcoholic that drinks all day? Shades of gray? Perhaps.

Ironically, the fun gal that I cheated with and married? Sure, she was fun alright. Fun with everyone. I was the 'father' figure she wanted that would commit, unlike the other fun guys she attracted that would not commit. I'll never forget her father telling me, 'Steve, you know she's an extrovert, right?' after we announced our plans to marry. Didn't think too much about that statement until after she cheated. Something about 'fun' people seeking out fun, but that's a whole other topic...

I still don't condone cheating but I did. I went outside the marriage to find happiness.

I was one of those that searched for a kickstand before I left the marriage.

I've met several women on first dates that have admitted they still lived with their husbands, unhappily. Kudos for honesty but not for me. I don't look down on them, however. That would be the pot calling the kettle black. I'm actually sympathetic to their plight. Either their husband is out of work and won't leave the house, or she depends on him for financial reasons. Men usually are able to 'walk away' and start over. Women, often, are not. Usually because they made the sacrifice to be a homemaker. Check.

Maleman...if there's takeout and containers all over his kitchen? Sounds like he ends up at her place a lot?
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 53
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A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/7/2014 1:01:50 PM

Well, I disagree with a couple of Gorilla's deductions/interpretations.

One big notion that I have zero patience, respect, or tolerance of, is the idea that someone cheats because they have "needs" which their official partner fails to fulfill. Total self-serving BS for cheaters.

In order to cheat, and to expect to be taken back, the cheater has to fail to give a damn about their mate. They KNOW you will be upset, and possibly in great pain because of what they do, that's why they try to hide it. That's why they come up with cover stories and excuses that let them avoid being responsible for it.

Another possible interpretation of why this OP says he isn't upset at losing the mate, is standard-issue, ego/soul-protecting denial. Especially among the young, when one has been insulted and abused by a cheater, claiming to the world and oneself that you don't really care, is very common, but it isn't really true most of the time. It's more like getting wounded, and putting a bandaid over the tear, that is made of steel, and covered with barbed spikes.


Agreed, there's really no excuse for it. There's this thing called communication that people refuse to use sometimes.


To me, and I am sure some others, that still does not make it a factor. If you choose to stay with your spouse/SO for whatever reason when there are issues, then it still does not give you a reason or excuse to cheat. You are choosing to stay so you need to choose not to cheat as well.


Also agree, kids aren't stupid and people shouldn't stay in a relationship just because of that. If that's the case, my sister would have stayed with my nephews daddy, a guy who has cheated on every single girl he's been with multiple times and now has 11 kids at the age of 27 and refuses to pay child support for the majority of them. Instead he cheated on her, she dumped him when she found out and then realize she was pregnant with his kid. My parents are getting an divorce and they've been separated for two years and I would be the first one they were about 3 years too late. My Dad cheated on my Mom multiple times throughout my entire life and she should have left him along time ago but she didn't and towards the end they were both miserable as a result and as a kid listening to them argue over and over again can take an emotional toll. I rather my parents have gotten an divorce than see them both miserable and filled with regret. Even if my Dad was an cheating SOB I still loved him and wanted him to be happy and now that they're both separated, me and him get along a lot better than we did when he was married to my Mom.

You don't ever stay with someone for the sake of the kids or for money.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 54
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/7/2014 4:47:54 PM
^^^^^

Don't confuse your serial cheating tomcats with a person that copes with a difficult situation and keeps it quiet.No need to argue in front of the kids.The idea is to keep the home front stable.And who made those roolz?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 55
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 7:36:11 AM

My Dad cheated on my Mom multiple times throughout my entire life


Dude, I feel for you. But this is a habitual cheater. If your dad would hook up with someone else, he will cheat on that person. My dad was a habitual cheater in his younger years. My mom, being the proper South American woman put up with it. Eventually he got so fat that he could not cheat anymore. Finally when my mom divorced him, we were all happy. Particularly because now we didn't have to hear my mom complaint about my dad (not the cheating but all the other things he did.)


One big notion that I have zero patience, respect, or tolerance of, is the idea that someone cheats because they have "needs" which their official partner fails to fulfill. Total self-serving BS for cheaters.


Igor and blackwood have disagreed with something I said about, not the habitual cheater, but the cheater that does it to get out of a relationship. What I was describing does not justify their actions, it just explains the pathology of the behavior. Could they have taken responsibility for their action, yes. Should the person cheated on accept it because the "NEEDS" not met were finally talked about, hell no. You're entitled to be angry about the hurt that other person caused. But WE need to be honest to ourselves and realize that WE also had a part in it. And I can speak with authority here, since I had my ex cheat on me.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 56
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A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 11:16:48 AM
I've always looked at it like this.

I don't have to be in an relationship, I can be happy all by my damn self, I was fine being single, dating girls, having sex with multiple women whenever I want to with no strings attached. I can go anywhere whenever I want to without worrying about a girlfriend needing to come along with me.

If I choose to be in a relationship, it's because I want to be and I'm up some awesome things like casual sex in order to do so. I'm choosing to be faithful and be with one girl it's because it's what we both supposedly wanted and talked about, we're not in an open relationship, we're not friends with benefits, we're in a monogamous relationship. I'm letting down my guard, giving a girl my trust and I'm hoping she does the right thing. It's a common sense thing with me, I don't do "Please forgive me, I want to stay" BS. If I wasn't fulfilling a need or something she wanted then she should have communicated that and trusted that I would react accordingly, if there was an emotional void she should have said that and I would have fulfilled it to the best of my abilities. If I don't then we go our separate ways no harm no foul but don't waste my time when you're not truly committed, I could have been doing something else, I could have been dating other women, I could have been having sex, I could have been playing video games instead I'm going to an dinner with you and your friends when I didn't have to. I could have been in a bar watching football with my buddies but I'm going to the movies to watch a shitty chick flick starring Katherine Heigl who's career should have ended after Knocked Up.

My point is that in the end we all choice and while my actions in the relationship may have driven her away, there is loyalty and just being decent.

My ex-GF cheated on me because of this mythical void I wasn't fulfilling and instead of telling me that, she chose to go the other way on top of that she accused me of cheating multiple times and would break down crying whenever I questioned that we should still be together if she didn't trust me.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 57
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 2:15:09 PM
My point is that in the end we all choice and while my actions in the relationship may have driven her away, there is loyalty and just being decent.


Dude, I am proud of you. I am proud of the moral high ground that you take. I wish more people would follow suit.
You and I have something in common. Both of our dads cheated. Both made our moms miserable for their behavior. I chose when I started dating NEVER to cheat. I've been cheated before, and still I will not cheat. If there's something wrong with me, I have admitted to it and worked it out through therapy.

I still believe that to be in a relationship you should trust your partner and not be jaded. You should also give your all, and yes be vulnerable and love with all you've got. I know exactly what you're talking about.

I come from a culture that is extremely promiscuous and cheats A LOT. It's almost endemic for guys to talk about the other women that they are fvcking. I remember when growing up going to play with some kids by some building a few blocks from my house and find out that this one lady and kid that lived there were the lover of one of my uncles. Interestingly enough, a lot of single women down there, pursue married men. Even down there (Venezuela) I decided that if I was in a relationship that I simply would not cheat.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 58
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 3:05:39 PM

If I could turn the clocks back Id always make sure my kids were ok but I would cheat and I would get my own needs met.


Oh my goodness, what a revelation!! So you would cheat? Interesting.

Remember that Karma is a b it ch and has no time limits.

I had to talk to my ex about some tax and finance stuff that I needed her to provide me. We are amicable now, and trying to be polite I told her how happy I was. When I was with the last one that was bipolar and made me miserable, she didn't mind hearing about all the suffering I went through, but now that the story was, how happy I was, she got angry at me. She could not understand why I didn't give her a second chance, even though she stopped the affair because she wanted to be back with me. Only that along the way I found out about the affair.

Vicki, just hang in there and you will get your day and find exactly what you want and what you need.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 59
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 3:33:37 PM

...but I would cheat and I would get my own needs met.


Not sure what your "needs" are, but how long do you think that would last? I'm assuming it has something to do with emotional needs, since women are more concerned with the emotional aspect of relationships than the physical. If a guy is cheating with you, do you think he's that concerned about some emotional needs that you require, or his physical needs? He might act like Prince Charming at first to woo you and bed you, but I think even cheaters would put less value on other cheaters.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 60
A stranger may give you true friction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/8/2014 4:42:58 PM
^^^^

Men have emotional needs as well.Somebody gets shut out communication wise and they become vulnerable to kindness ....same as women.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 61
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/9/2014 7:46:36 AM

But realistically, Ive still got about another year before I can seriously consider a more traditional relationship.


Why? Why another year? If it's the kids, kids are resilient and are better off seeing you happy than just going through the motions of just being mom.

My girlfriend has two kids. The younger took to me like a bee to honey, the older one was more difficult. He was not very happy when his mother told him that more than likely we were going to get married so I was going to be his step father. But little by little he warmed up. He was completely afraid or riding a bike, then I taught him and now he is crazy about riding bikes. He picked up some of my weird sayings. I like to scream at them in a macabe over the top voice the words "cerebro de mono" which means monkey brains. They thought it was so funny that then they are putting the deep voice and saying it themselves. The point is, they are ready. When I am not spending the night there, they ask their mom if I am coming over.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 62
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/9/2014 3:38:55 PM
In my opinion,
Cheating is when you have a loving, willing, cooperative partner and you choose to have sex with someone else. The hottest places in hell are reserved for these people.
On the other hand, if your spouse has abandoned you physically and emotionally and has made it clear that they are unwilling to work on the situation, they have abandoned the marriage. In this case, if the abandoned partner can't leave for whatever reason and chooses to have relations with another, this is not cheating. This is getting your needs met. How can you cheat or betray or be unfaithful to someone who has abandoned you, who simply isn't there anymore in the marriage, even though you might still be legally bound? This makes no sense to me. You are living parallel lives, an emotional and physical divorce, pending a legal divorce. Your spouse does not have the right to abuse or neglect you. You do have the right to get your needs met.
There is a difference.
 InHisWord
Joined: 9/5/2014
Msg: 63
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/11/2014 6:35:38 PM
I think the reason why people cheat on someone they know loves them is because they have no respect for the person they are cheating on. Anyone who does not respect the person who loves them, does not deserve the love they are receiving. When two people love each other they respect each other and would not do anything to betray their partners. It is very hard to find two people who are willing to put each other first. Usually one loves more than the other. I think it is beautiful when two people agree to build a relationship based on mutual love and respect. Aside from the emotional pain that is caused to the betrayed, there is also the high risk of sexually transmitted diseases. While sex is wonderful and beautiful, trust and respect rate much higher in my mind and heart. Yes, I have been betrayed and in the dating world I have been lied to by men who pretend to be single when they are not. Stinkers, if I wanted someone's lying, cheating husband, I would have stayed married!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 64
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/11/2014 7:43:01 PM

Yes I mean emotional needs, the sexual ones disappear if the emotional ones dont get met.


When I talk about "needs" being BS, it's because the whole way that people have come to talk about relationship "needs", especially in regards to cheating, has been sloppy in the extreme.

Quite simply, if you don't get it, and you remain alive and functional. IT WASN'T A NEED.

No offense to you, especially since you say you did NOT actually cheat, but the idea that if you had, it would have been justified because your "needs" weren't being fulfilled, is irresponsible, inaccurate, and generally ridiculous.

This doesn't mean that I'm denying that you justly resent never receiving what you should have, I'm in the same boat. But to refer to desires, expectations, or what someone promised you as "needs," is misleading and manipulative.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 65
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 2:51:15 AM
^^^^
Alive and functional would be a matter of opinion.For many people,being well adjusted requires a healthy relationship.By your own admission you were a pretty hurtin' unit during your marriage Igor,and IMO,your mental health would have been much improved if you had found yourself some love on the side instead of suffering through the humiliating and degrading behavior that your ex subjected you to....
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 66
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 3:44:32 AM
Destroying my ability to look myself in the eye in the mirror would hardly have "improved" anything for me. I am very grateful that I was unable, even in my darkest times, to bring myself to set aside my own standards, for the sake of momentary personal pleasure. Knowing myself, I would have been crushed to realize that I was just as bad or worse, than the people who wronged me.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 67
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 5:17:20 AM
you might want to acquaint yourself with Maslow's pyramid. Sex is one of the most fundamental NEEDS.
To me, it is a strange position to maintain some kind of "faithfulness" to someone who doesn't care about you, someone who has abandoned you. I'd have no problem looking in the mirror. In fact, I'd like what I saw.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 68
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 6:24:52 AM

Maybe instead of needlessly probing for a reason why someone else has cheated and all the sour grapes that go with it - you should try to look a little better into how people STAY TOGETHER instead. Constant use of good communication, patience, reciprocation, attention, sympathy, tolerance - it makes people WANT to stay around.


I'm quoting myself from earlier with a post that seemed to be summarily ignored. I'll add to it that as a society we don't seem to give a damn about a couple staying together UNTIL they've made a lifetime of doing it. Funny how you can get a couple dozen people together for celebrating a birthday party every year when all it takes to have a birthday - is stay alive. Yet, nobody wants to get together so celebrate wedding anniversaries the same way until they've made 20 years or better. Staying married takes considerably MORE work.

----------

I'll add to it - anyone who thinks they need to stay 'trapped' in a bad relationship - for the sake of anyone else - kids or otherwise - is a liar. They are lying to THEMSELVES. Honesty may be part of the foundation of any healthy relationship, but it starts with being honest to one's self. Counseling isn't always about working on connecting issues between two people - a lot of it is about self-realization, and showing people how to look past the blinding pile of bullsh*t they've created out of their OWN lives. Why people cheat is pretty obvious - they're not happy with what they've got. What people can't seem to figure out is WHY they are unhappy - because it still gets blamed on the outside world nine times out of ten instead of realizing the common problem.
 TerrieLynnC70
Joined: 6/22/2013
Msg: 69
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 8:20:47 AM
I'd say you would be hard pressed to find people that HAVE NOT been cheated on. The reasons why someone cheats are way too many to even fathom and in the end, does it even really matter? Finding out why won't change the fact that it happened.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 70
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 8:22:16 AM

anyone who thinks they need to stay 'trapped' in a bad relationship - for the sake of anyone else - kids or otherwise - is a liar. They are lying to THEMSELVES


SERIOUSLY???
How do we oversimplify something so complicated?
Try having children with someone who turns out to be an incompetent, abusive parent and also an abusive spouse and then tell me about how someone who is "trapped" in a situation (I'm not going to call it a marriage) and can't leave because of the kids is lying to themselves.
I could not divorce my now-ex-wife when my children were little knowing that, on her parenting time, they would be ruled by her and defenseless when she got into one of her moods. I needed to be there to defuse situations and to defend them and to maintain some kind of order in their lives. Don't fvcking tell me that I'm LYING to myself. And no, I wouldn't take her emotional abuse to maintain some ruse of being "faithful."
Let's try not to be so judgmental and impose our beliefs on everybody else. Life is complicated enough.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 71
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 9:17:04 AM

you might want to acquaint yourself with Maslow's pyramid. Sex is one of the most fundamental NEEDS.
To me, it is a strange position to maintain some kind of "faithfulness" to someone who doesn't care about you, someone who has abandoned you. I'd have no problem looking in the mirror. In fact, I'd like what I saw.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs


Maslow is over-hyped, and never correctly explained.

The definition of the word "need" is what is critical here.


In Maslows stuff, "need" isn't defined as "you have to have it or you die." It's not defined at all, except by implication (which is irresponsible), and the implication is that the title of his ideas should actually have always been

"The Theory of Hierarchy of MOTIVATIONS."

The problem I have with the misuse of Maslow, is well illustrated in this discussion. Cheaters grab on to the word "need," because to them it means "I am no longer responsible for my decisions or actions, because I have a universally defined NEED to cheat."

I say again, it's BS. You want to go with that self-delusion in our life, go ahead. I live by facts and logic, for good or ill. I do suffer from that occasionally, but I am unable to fool myself as some others can. Another one of my many defects.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 72
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 10:11:09 AM
I wonder how many people who are seriously thinking of cheating would first say to their partner: "Would you be willing to have an open relationship, where we could both pursue other partners, while staying married?", if leaving a marriage is such a huge hardship. And I also wonder, in how many cases, is the motive for cheating some form of a revenge tactic, by putting all of the blame for a person's unhappiness on their partner instead of looking within themselves for the source of unhappiness.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 73
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 10:51:16 AM

"Would you be willing to have an open relationship, where we could both pursue other partners, while staying married?", if leaving a marriage is such a huge hardship


This is EXACTLY my point. Suppose I went to my refusing "spouse" and asked her if we could have an open relationship and she said "no"? Does she have the right to impose celibacy onto me? Does anybody have the right to impose celibacy onto another? I think not. I'm not giving the right to anybody to impose it on me, certainly not the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me. And in that case, why bother asking?

Igor- I didn't know you were such an authority as to dispute Maslow. I guess that puts you in some pretty elite company. But then again, what do I know? I'm a cheater.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 74
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The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 1:50:55 PM

Suppose I went to my refusing "spouse" and asked her if we could have an open relationship and she said "no"? Does she have the right to impose celibacy onto me? Does anybody have the right to impose celibacy onto another? I think not. I'm not giving the right to anybody to impose it on me, certainly not the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me. And in that case, why bother asking?

Igor- I didn't know you were such an authority as to dispute Maslow. I guess that puts you in some pretty elite company. But then again, what do I know? I'm a cheater.


You have reading comprehension problems.

I didn't argue with Maslow, I argued with you and your misapplication of his ideas. Even if we accepted your erroneous claim for the definition of need, you still couldn't blame your support for cheating on him. For one thing, Maslow didn't specify what anyone had to do to deal with their motivations or "needs." You will not find Maslow quotes saying "therefore cheating is necessary or justified." Might as well pretend that Maslow supported murder and cannibalism too, since someone could choose to solve the "need" of food by killling and eating one's neighbors.

By the way, here's a small quote from Wikipedia supporting my claim that Maslow meant "need" as in "MOTIVATION:"


Maslow's hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation" in Psychological Review.


Notice how the name of the actual theory is what I said?


Suppose I went to my refusing "spouse" and asked her if we could have an open relationship and she said "no"? Does she have the right to impose celibacy onto me? Does anybody have the right to impose celibacy onto another? I think not. I'm not giving the right to anybody to impose it on me, certainly not the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me.


Again, you need to read and think through what you yourself say. When you marry someone, THEY don't impose limits on you, you impose them on yourself, as a part of the marriage agreement. The correct response, should you find that your marriage partner isn't living up to what was promised, is to dissolve the marriage.


But then again, what do I know? I'm a cheater.


Again, you have everything backwards. Your thoughts aren't invalid because you are a cheater. You are a cheater, as a result of your refusal to think logically or accurately.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 75
The truth is always stranger than fiction. A cheaters motivation.
Posted: 10/12/2014 3:27:22 PM

Constant use of good communication, patience, reciprocation, attention, sympathy, tolerance - it makes people WANT to stay around.


I totally agree. However, it only works if both of you do it. If one of you is doing all that and its all falling on deaf ears its still not going to work.


I'll add to it - anyone who thinks they need to stay 'trapped' in a bad relationship - for the sake of anyone else - kids or otherwise - is a liar.


Or someone who does actually give a damn about their kids and places the childrens needs above their own. Or someone with a degree of humanity who is genuinely concerned for a person they spent many years with.


Agree with the first.

On the second point? I stayed trapped in a horrible marriage because of my kids for way too long. And it turns out? My waiting as long as I did to get out of it? Actually hurt them worse than if I had left earlier. forums is correct it can be very complicated when or if to leave, but counseling both for yourself and your kids can help you get clarity on what you need to do in those danger situations that are complicated. There are options sometimes that can be learned if we get outside information rather than just trying to gut out a situation that is not only damaging, but potentially dangerous.
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