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 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 26
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New relationship, Big ProblemPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
You have a difference in philosophies, this is only the beginning.
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 27
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:17:52 AM
OP....I'm not going to jump on the band wagon by saying this guy is a control freak and it's just the beginning of what's to come....rolls eyes.
I grew up on a farm and had dogs all my life and guess what?? They lived outside and loved it!
The dogs were our protectors...they let us know when someone was coming on our property and strangers were afraid to get out without knowing them or someone there.

The dogs were big and they did stink....on any given day, they may eat or roll in horse or cow manure.
They got a thicker coat in the winter and shedded out in the spring...oh and btw...we Never bathed our dogs.
They had a barn full of hay as their bed....or under the porch or in the porch....not one died from not being in our house.
They were loved and flourished....this is not abuse.

Yes.....I still don't have a big dog in my house and I still live on property.
I have been to homes with big dogs in....totally, their choice and yes...it stinks and there is hair all over!!
The little lap dogs are exception to the rule...of course. I have been thinking on it but with my farm for sale....I don't want to be hindered by my choices of moving....because of a pet.
I do recognize the committment people have towards their pets....and they should.

As of now....that is one of the priorities when meeting someone....If they have big arse dogs they sleep with...just wouldn't be my cup of tea.
I grew up when dogs were ok to live outside all year round.
What I see is...two different pov's....either compromise or move on.
Do you live in a area where the winter months are -20 or is it about comfort for the dog???
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 28
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:22:06 AM
Personally, I have to agree with ^^^ A big animal inside the house isn't a small thing, except to people for whom the hair, etc isn't a problem. Its like smoking inside a house--big to some, not to others.

If the two of you are inflexable over a dog...wait until you have kids. You're seeing the future to come. You have a good relation with this guy. You don't have a great one, if this is going to be a problem.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:28:54 AM

I agree that moving in with someone this early is a bad idea. He has been bringing it up a lot, Indicating we need a timeline Because of our ages, wanting kids. Etc.


Naturally he wants to do it quickly, because it's harder to have total control over you when you aren't living together.

Needing a timeline because of age and wanting kids (after two months)? WTF? Since when is there an age limit to living together? And why is anyone discussing having kids when you barely know each other-especially when there are red flags being raised? That crap in itself would make me do the 100 yard dash. You cannot change who he is, so don't get the idea you can mold him to become the guy you fantasized about your whole life.
 Dxve
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 30
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:45:49 AM
Pets indeed have a smell and can damage furniture etc. My friend said that his dog does not smell but it does, dog or pet people are used to it, so they do not notice anymore. Sometimes, when pets are stressed, excited or something, they can pee everywhere in the house.

I do not think that the new guy is controlling you, he is in love with you, not with your dog, that is all. I can understand his position to not want to damage his house, when someone put his lifetime saving to buy a house, and probably hours and hours of renovation in it, better not damage it. I have a friend that cannot sell his house because visitors noticed the cat smells and before, he has spent few thousand to remove scratches marks from the wall and floor.
 sunrisesam
Joined: 9/26/2014
Msg: 31
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:50:45 AM
We are both in our late 30s


Since when is 34 considered " late 30s " ?!!!

Question :

WHY are you so opposed to your dog being outside ?
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 32
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 9:21:50 AM
Dude pank,

How do you consider him not wanting pets inside the house a bad thing? You do understand that people have different values in life right? He might not like pet hair, he might not like potential damage to his floors as he stated. You know, kind of the same reason some landlords don't allow pets. He likes his place clean, and you can't deny that pets don't create added mess with the potential of damage. Pet hair sticks to god damn everything, I know, because I have a cat that lives inside.

He is not a control freak, that is blown way the hell out of proportion. There isn't even a basis from which to draw that conclusion.

Is he controlling because he called her crazy for keeping a dog indoors? Or because he isn't willing to adjust his lifestyle to fit hers, in the house he owns? Her plan to meet in the middle, didn't achieve that, because the animal would still be in the house shedding, and potentially scratching the floor.

The real perplexing thing to me is - that she is considering ending the relationship, because she thinks he is being controlling about the pet. While not considering that the timeline for kids and stuff is the actual insane part. And that's not controlling, that's just really crazy and odd.

The only way that is possible, is if he is being abusive about it. And there is no evidence of that, so how is he controlling? To be controlling, you have to wield power over the other person either through manipulation or abuse. And again, really hard to pin that on the guy.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 33
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 9:48:24 AM
This is a tough situation. The first thing to establish is about moving-in after only two months.
Cohabitation is a proposal anyone would wish to consider carefully. It seems rather soon by conventional wisdom.

Like posters earlier...I was raised with dogs the majority of my life. My profile features several dog pics.
At the same time, my home is immaculately and white-glove clean and I haven't had a pet in nearly two decades.
That makes it easier for me to understand both sides of that coin and that all are trying to be fair.

If you do decide to live together, perhaps a compromise is your pet lives in the house while his lives outdoors.
That is likely what both pets would prefer, anyway. Your dog could be allowed free travel in the residence, yet perhaps not allowed on furniture or bedding. Could that be reasonably arranged? As time goes by and pets die, perhaps those *future* pets could be exclusively outdoor animals.

All things considered...do weigh this decision carefully.
While now rapidly approaching my late-40's there sure is some benefit in retaining separate residences!
I visit her, she visits me, we get along comfortably, and everyone stays happy. Good luck.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 34
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 10:42:52 AM
Forget it!!! This guy is a control freak!

If you think the situation you have now is uncomfortable and bad......trust me.....it WILL get MUCH WORSE! Possibly to the point of it being unsafe for you.

I briefly dated a guy who wanted to move in with me within 3 weeks of meeting.....I told him absolutely NOT because I knew of his nature and how he was and I KNEW in my gut he wanted total control of what I would do and where I would go.....needless to say after about 6 weeks......he hurled some pretty nasty accusations not to mention calling me everything but white.....I dumped his azz.

My advice......run while you can and don't look back.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 35
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 10:56:05 AM

Question :

WHY are you so opposed to your dog being outside ?

Who cares why? This is her preference in her living space with her dog. I'm sure the dog goes out sometimes, but mostly lives indoors. That's her prerogative. I'm not sure if it matters WHY she prefers this, really.

How do you consider him not wanting pets inside the house a bad thing? You do understand that people have different values in life right? He might not like pet hair, he might not like potential damage to his floors as he stated. You know, kind of the same reason some landlords don't allow pets. He likes his place clean, and you can't deny that pets don't create added mess with the potential of damage. Pet hair sticks to god damn everything, I know, because I have a cat that lives inside.

He doesn't have to like it or even do it. Where he has a problem is telling her SHE can't do this. If she moves in this will alter her preference, therefore it's best she stays where she is (and dates someone else as well). It'd be OK if he didn't have an opinionated view of what she does prefer.

He is not a control freak, that is blown way the hell out of proportion. There isn't even a basis from which to draw that conclusion.

I don't know about control freak - but I do know that the fact that he wants her to move in quickly and disregard her preference for her dog to live with him only once the relationship is established is a red flag for someone who will want things his way in the future - perhaps the solution is to live somewhere neutral but if they set up house in his space she's gonna have to do things his way. So why ask her to move in?

Is he controlling because he called her crazy for keeping a dog indoors? Or because he isn't willing to adjust his lifestyle to fit hers, in the house he owns? Her plan to meet in the middle, didn't achieve that, because the animal would still be in the house shedding, and potentially scratching the floor.

Yes, so this is a relationship that's not a match - neither will budge, nor should they. They just want different things. This is life.

The real perplexing thing to me is - that she is considering ending the relationship, because she thinks he is being controlling about the pet. While not considering that the timeline for kids and stuff is the actual insane part. And that's not controlling, that's just really crazy and odd.

It's all weird. Next!

The only way that is possible, is if he is being abusive about it. And there is no evidence of that, so how is he controlling? To be controlling, you have to wield power over the other person either through manipulation or abuse. And again, really hard to pin that on the guy.

No it's pretty manipulative - if she values the relationship enough to give up what she wants for what he does - and she considers it.

If you do decide to live together, perhaps a compromise is your pet lives in the house while his lives outdoors. That is likely what both pets would prefer, anyway. Your dog could be allowed free travel in the residence, yet perhaps not allowed on furniture or bedding. Could that be reasonably arranged? As time goes by and pets die, perhaps those *future* pets could be exclusively outdoor animals.

I didn't get any sense from the OP that he was willing to consider this at all. Perhaps I didn't read it right.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 36
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History
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 11:15:52 AM
You've been dating two months, which is hardly any time at all. And now you've encountered a deal breaking issue. He's not willing to budge, you're not willing to budge.

Apart from the issue with the dog, I think it's crazy to talk about moving in and getting married at the two month mark.

Which was the part that's going great, again?
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 37
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 11:29:26 AM
Hey pank, you're not that intelligent.

So you're telling me that him having his own dog outside, and him not letting the dog inside, wasn't proof without even asking, that he kept his pet outside for a reason? And that the reason extended to the OP's dog because he never let it in his house EVER. You're telling me there was deception there? Are you that obtuse? How slow are you? Seriously, those are simple factors.

It is nothing like the metaphor you provided, it isn't even close. GET IT?

You can't even deduce simple logic, and you are condescending me? How pathetic, you can't even provide a logical argument. Hey smart person, learn to read. Then try again.

Eh, good luck with trying to read :/
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 38
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 11:39:50 AM
How is he being anymore controlling than she is?? They are both trying to change each others minds.
IMO....This is what dating and getting to know each other is all about.
It's a deal breaker for both of you on this issue....just move on....live and learn.

I don't think he did the old "bait and switch" on you...when he visited your home..it's not his place to say anything on your choice but you knew from the get go...he didn't want your dog in "his" home....I read that...right??
His home..his rules!
I don't allow anyone....no exceptions to smoke in my home, ever...you don't want to abide by that...don't come.
Same as when I smoked.....I smoked in "my" home....you didn't like it....same rules.
Life is about Choices....put your big girl pants on and make it...
Good Luck!

It is becoming an issue because he wants me to spend the weekend at his house and won't allow my dog inside at all. He says she can stay outside or in the barn. I have had friends or family watch her for the weekends, but I am not willing to do this any longer
Like I said....she knew before he asked her to move in....
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 39
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 11:45:03 AM
He knew before he asked her to move in with him that she had a dog
and the dog lived inside.

I agree he waited until he thought they were a forever couple before
he said no dogs in the house. If he had said it first thing, she probably
wouldn't have stuck around as long as she did. You can't take an inside
pet and decide one day it's an outside pet.

There is no compromise when you say NO DOGS IN THE HOUSE. Unless
the dog is something like a schrodingers cat and can be in and out at the same
time.

I'd have an issue with this and could see the writing on the wall. Not that there's
anything wrong with not wanting pets in your house, but that you would let things
progress and then make the pet a hostage in the living arrangements. That sounds
like a manipulation to me.

Manipulative, unyielding, uncompromising not attractive traits.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 40
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 11:51:06 AM
LOL, how is he holding the pet hostage in living arrangements? Explain that to me, because I am intrigued

Is the OP, or the dog, facing homelessness? Or has the OP simply been given a choice to move in with a guy who doesn't want her dog in his house?

The guy asked her to move in, told her no dogs allowed, she should have known that from the start for obvious reasons.

Where do you people get your dictionary, and in what language was it written?

Because there is no manipulation.

The best evidence of shady garbage is the fact that she would leave the guy over this. Just live separately, why isn't that the damn compromise?................
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 41
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:00:32 PM
^^^^First off...CTFD.

She's being asked to choose between the dog and the guy.
If she knew from the start for obvious reasons no dogs were allowed,
then clearly he knew from the start for obvious reasons she had an
indoor dog. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway.

He waited until he figured he had her, made plans to move in and then
said your dog can't come.

Of course separate houses are a compromise in a live in situation.
I'm sure they're both interested in living separately together.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 42
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:07:34 PM
How is she being asked to choose between the dog and the guy?

She's being given an option to live with the guy, the dog stays outside though, the OP didn't make an acceptable compromise, and the guy didn't budge on his stance about dogs in the house. WTF does that have to do with control?

Dude, her dog was never allowed over. He didn't wait for anything.

Separate houses is what they currently have.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 43
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History
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:08:13 PM

I do not think that the new guy is controlling you, he is in love with you, not with your dog...


You must be kidding, they just met 2 months ago, no one is in love.

How can we tell he's a control freak and maybe she's not? Pretty simple. He's telling her to move in, he's in love with her, maybe wants her to be his wife, after TWO months, which is a huge clue as to how really lousy relationships start. She needs to get going because he has an agenda of what he thinks she needs to do, including making babies as soon as possible, and knowing full well her situation with her pet, he's demanding that she turn 180 and do things his way, which in this case would be cruel to her dog who has been taken care of in a totally different style. It's not that they are on different sides of where a pet lives, it's that she's wrong/he's right and she better get to stepping. If you can't see what's wrong here, don't blame other posters. Having outside dogs all your life has zero to do with OPs problem. Being with someone you just met, who is making up some fantasy and demanding that you follow it to his instructions, and right now, is the freaking huge red flag problem. This flag is slapping this woman in the face, and she's wondering, gosh is this a good idea?????? It isn't even if he's a complete wrong match for her, and he is, obviously, it' s that her pet will suffer for the rest of it's life.

This all comes under, how badly do you want to be with someone, anyone, that you would harm others & yourself to be there. And how long before the posts about being abused by someone controlling and manipulating you? I don't date men with dogs, I'm not a dog person, I don't hate them, I just don't want one. So it would be cruel and ridiculous for me to date a man with a dog(s), and it would controlling and make me someone to avoid at all costs, if I were then to demand that a man with a pet I don't want to be around, get rid of their lifestyle to be with me. I would be wrong, they would be wrong to be with me, it's as crystal clear as it can be.

If she just really has to be with this man instead of alone, then she needs to take the time to carefully re-home her pet where it will receive the kind of care she intended it to have. It's her job, she adopted this pet, to make sure it's well cared for. It's also her job, since it is her life, to understand that to be with this man, she needs to be able to do as he tells her because he's not about to let her think or be herself. She's not a victim, she's quite willing to keep being with him, but her pet is a victim here, she needs to re-home him.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 44
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:09:27 PM
Dogs will do what dogs do when they get upset because of change they're not used to-they bark non-stop, all day, everyday. That's what will happen if the OP goes along with his plan and moves in with him and follow the rule of no dogs inside the house. Then what? Would the next step be get rid of the dog because of the barking? The OP didn't mention the dog's age, but if it's a younger dog, it could be around for a long time. Plus there is no mention if the guy's dog even gets along with her dog-or if the dogs even met each other yet. The guy's dog might be a mean dog and think her dog is an intruder of sorts, or vice versa. You can't force them to get along if they don't.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 45
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:52:31 PM
He knew your doggie was an inside dog - but now he wants it kept outside? He must have some hell of expensive and valuable furniture/so allergic his hair is about to fall out/has short term memory loss/ calls you CRAZY .. but he loves you.
Wow you hit the jackpot. Wait til you discover all the other things about you he is no longer prepared to " tolerant" in the name of Love.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 46
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 12:56:19 PM
OP...you two dating while maintaining separate residences is sounding like the best plan possible at this juncture!
 buckmaker
Joined: 4/20/2009
Msg: 47
view profile
History
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 2:56:32 PM
From a rational standpoint, sounds like you live out in the country and his concerns are both rational and reasonable.
I love dogs but they get fleas. Besides, I am the alpha dog and they do not sleep on my bed nor eat off my plate.
If this is the only issue, it is you who is unreasonable.
Decide whether you want a man or a pet.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 48
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 2:57:28 PM

That is a massive red flag, hope he doesn't believe kids should be outside with dogs


They don't? Oh wow. I guess I've been doing this all wrong.

"Kids, you can now come into the house. Just bring with you your bowl."
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 49
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 3:37:07 PM

Decide whether you want a man or a pet.


Some women want a man AS a pet.
 sunrisesam
Joined: 9/26/2014
Msg: 50
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 3:39:15 PM

Some women want a man AS a pet.


Some men want to be a woman's pet - I'll never forget the J. Springer show about a guy acting like a woman's dog...I'm off to utube to see if I can find it.

Later.
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