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 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 51
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New relationship, Big ProblemPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Hi everyone,

I am beginning to see that this is more than just the issue about my dog being allowed in 'his' house.
I wish getting a place together was a possible option for the future, but he just recently moved into a home where he would like to stay and raise his family. I don't blame him for that in the least. He makes me feel welcome in his home (aside from the dog issue) and i haven't gotten the sense that it will be his rules (again, aside from the dog issue). I also see his point about not wanting dog hair in the house, etc.

There is no compromise in this case. Either the dog lives in the house, or it doesn't. I offered suggestions, like i mentioned in my original postings, but they are all declined. My dog is 5 and only 40lbs..for those of you who were asking.

As for him wanting me to move in so quickly. I was VERY taken back by this, as I have never met a man who wanted to move so quickly and knows so clearly want he wants. I didn't see a problem with this, actually it was nice to have a man who communicates so clearly what he wants in life. The problem is that he hasn't been accepting or respectful of my opinion in this matter. He repeats that we need "a plan, a timeline." He wants kids and since I am "getting older" he thinks we need to move fast. I disagree and have stated that I am in NO rush. I want to wait until i feel secure in a relationship and know my partner as much as possible. Rushing into things, I don't believe, will do us any good.
He laughs it off and we have recently had an argument over this....me not wanting to move in now. He basically has told me I need to let him know my plan my Christmas. WTF
I guess the dog issue is just another thing we don't see eye to eye on.

It seems clearer now, by reading everyone's posts. Sounds like he and I need to have another talk and if he can't slow it down and understand my point of view, then our relationship won't last.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 52
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 3:53:02 PM
He basically has told me I need to let him know my plan my Christmas.


100 lumps of coal in his stocking.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear".

-Norm Peterson

VVVVVVVVVVVVV
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 53
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:05:08 PM
Forget about the dog issue for now...That is just one deal breaker...you have to work out.
But, I do have to say....I once..had a guy pushing me into a decision of marrying him.
I was older and had my own home and having children was off the table....in my circumstance.
But....I had that inner voice....saying...Be careful!
It was right.

It is rather flattering that "he" is so positive you're the one for him....isn't it?
Some people have met and married within a short period of time....and it worked out....others not.
Don't let him bully you into anything....You're old enough to know what you want.
Good Luck!
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 54
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:42:46 PM

It is becoming an issue because he wants me to spend the weekend at his house and won't allow my dog inside at all. He says she can stay outside or in the barn.

He wants me to think about moving into his house, since I rent (in the next few months). However, I am not willing to give up my dog or have her live outdoors.


No dilemma here; you’ve answered your own question. I think what you are wanting is to change his mind. Even if he did why would you put yourself at the mercy of someone who is only offering you roommate status?


I have been to homes with big dogs in....totally, their choice and yes...it stinks and there is hair all over!!~nobuddiesfool

My Rottweiller, 120 pounds of him, was mostly an inside dog. He did not smell and my home was spotless. It takes care…daily brushing, trips to the groomer and vet as necessary but it can be done. I’ve also had mostly outside dogs, a German Shepard, other breeds and a mutts on a small farm, 36 acres. These dogs loved being outside, around the horses. They too required grooming; if not dipped regularly they would get ticks, fleas. I’ve never known anyone who has dogs, inside or outside, that did not have them groomed.
 traveltheworld811
Joined: 5/8/2014
Msg: 55
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:53:12 PM
1. Two months and he's asking you to move in. Good for him, for taking that step. Seems to early to me, but he made the offer and now you get the luxury of making the decision.
2. Like most of the posters, I too am a huge dog lover. And I can't imagine not letting pets inside the house. (Absent specific facts, like dog cannot be trained to do his business outside.)
3. This man is NOT anti-dog. He's anti-inside-dog. That is a big difference. Maybe not to you (since you do have a dog that you want inside at times), but just in terms of being fair to the guy. I've thought of the dogs I've had in the past as my closest friends at times. So, if I were in your shoes, I'd be telling the guy, "Sorry, but my dogs and I are a package deal." Some other posters have criticized the guy for being unwilling to compromise. I'm not sure what the compromise is. He doesn't want dogs inside in his own house. How do you compromise on that--it's an 'either/or' situation? I would think that 'how to deal with pets' is one of those deal-breakers, like "what religion our kids will be?", or "In what part of the country will we be living?" If you don't agree on those fundamental issues, it's better to move on (better for both of you) and let each of you find a better match.
4. You have not mentioned any other aspect of your relationship where the guy is issuing ultimatums, so I'm quite reluctant to call him controlling. He's being pretty straightforward about this issue, and you are also being similarly straightforward. Now the cards are on the table, and you'll both--as fully mature adults--make a decision.

It does suck . . . of all the reasons to end a relationship, irreconcilable pet differences is one that may seem silly to many people. But it won't seem silly to any animal owners who deeply love their pets.
 irishgirl772
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 56
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:55:42 PM
By Christmas, youll have been dating for 5 months. Its still too soon to be thinking of moving in. He wants kids so badly? What does he think his house is going to look like with a toddler running around? Does he think kids arent messy? Wont damage anything or spill food on his carpeting or funiture? Does he think his house will be spotless?
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 57
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 4:58:32 PM
She lives in Windsor Ontario. Anyone familiar with what last winter was like? It was BRUTALLY COLD. Making an inside dog turn into an outside dog, in this climate would be pet abuse IMO.
 forumgirl519
Joined: 9/27/2014
Msg: 58
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:00:49 PM
I am not offended, in the least. I find your posts quite entertaining.

This dog-related post, may be "insanely ridiculous," to you. To me, it is what I am living in the moment. I'm sure there are others out there who may find this useful, if ever in similar situations.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 59
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:02:08 PM
She lives in Windsor Ontario. Anyone familiar with what last winter was like? It was BRUTALLY COLD. Making an inside dog turn into an outside dog, in this climate would be pet abuse IMO.


Yeah, makes you wonder what dogs did in the wild right? Because houses with climate controlled ventilation always existed.

The guy has a barn, it isn't pet abuse.

I am all about pet safety, and care. But I hate when people get self-righteous about their garbage.

Its like there was an argument between two cat owners. One thought it was cruel to keep a cat in, the other thought it was cruel to let it out. That's how stupid over zealous pet owners can be.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 60
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 5:51:59 PM

How is she being asked to choose between the dog and the guy?

Indirectly he's asking her to move in and telling her the dog isn't welcome in the house. Sure, they could just live separately and never do this, but he's asking her to move in and talking about a future (WAY too soon BTW) and to him this is where it needs to go.

She's being given an option to live with the guy, the dog stays outside though, the OP didn't make an acceptable compromise, and the guy didn't budge on his stance about dogs in the house. WTF does that have to do with control?

Dude, her dog was never allowed over. He didn't wait for anything.

Separate houses is what they currently have.

Doesn't sound like he's willing to continue in a LAT context.

If this is the only issue, it is you who is unreasonable. Decide whether you want a man or a pet.

She had a pet when they met. The pet is part of the deal. If you're in the right relationship you can have both.

He can decide not to have her if that's a problem for him. Sounds like he wants someone to move in with him and fast, and oh, BTW live on his terms. Some women would click their heels together for this offer. The OP has made it clear she's not one of them. It doesn't work for her.

The fact that he would consider altering her current situation which is what it is because she prefers it that way to further the relationship - and having no compromise on it is a bad sign.

And I'm sorry but it's very rare that people are like this about one thing - and he isn't; he is also wanting to run the show on cohabitating, kids, etc. This is usually the beginning of many things to come. She's in no rush to settle down for the sake of it. For sure this is proof that they are not on the same page - and it's better to know now when it's only been two months.

My Rottweiler, 120 pounds of him, was mostly an inside dog. He did not smell and my home was spotless. It takes care…daily brushing, trips to the groomer and vet as necessary but it can be done.

My Rott is about 105 at the moment, and he's always inside with me. He's my baby. Yes he sheds a little but if I groom him daily which he loves, he's fine. He's my partner in crime. Someone who doesn't want him around won't have me around. If that means no one is around then so be it.

By Christmas, youll have been dating for 5 months. Its still too soon to be thinking of moving in. He wants kids so badly? What does he think his house is going to look like with a toddler running around? Does he think kids arent messy? Wont damage anything or spill food on his carpeting or furniture? Does he think his house will be spotless?

All very good points. He may have to cover everything in plastic for a few years.

It says a lot about how caring this guy is really in general

Yes. It's really about his concern for not only himself and her, but what matters to her. IMO, he's got no real regard for that. While it's not his problem that her dog is an indoor dog, him caring for her means that he take that into consideration. And if he wasn't aware how she felt about it he knew after a couple of discussions and could have reconsidered his approach, but didn't. *shrug*
 PDAapproved
Joined: 5/19/2014
Msg: 61
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 6:26:06 PM

As for him wanting me to move in so quickly. I was VERY taken back by this, as I have never met a man who wanted to move so quickly and knows so clearly want he wants. I didn't see a problem with this, actually it was nice to have a man who communicates so clearly what he wants in life. The problem is that he hasn't been accepting or respectful of my opinion in this matter. He repeats that we need "a plan, a timeline." He wants kids and since I am "getting older" he thinks we need to move fast. I disagree and have stated that I am in NO rush. I want to wait until i feel secure in a relationship and know my partner as much as possible. Rushing into things, I don't believe, will do us any good.
He laughs it off and we have recently had an argument over this....me not wanting to move in now. He basically has told me I need to let him know my plan my Christmas. WTF
I guess the dog issue is just another thing we don't see eye to eye on.


OP, I hope that you truly understand that this is NOT just about the dog issue ... The dog issue is concerning , but dealing with only that is like dealing with putting out the fire on the stove while ignoring the fire in the kitchen.

This man wants you to exile your dog who has always been in the house to outdoors PLUS

1)move in immediately
2)ignore your own wishes/opinions on the subject
3)rush your relationship ahead, and
4)pop out kids 'fast' for him b/c he is getting older

The most disturbing part of this whole thread is that you saw a need to come talk about whether you should continue with him b/c of the dog issue and you have seriously downplayed the above huge red flags. Really OP - are you desperate that you need to be with someone who ignores your opinion and only moves toward his 'agenda'? Ever wonder if he 'loves' you so much just b/c he is getting older and needs someone to produce his litter for him?

OP - wake up and smell the bacon ... there is a whole crap ton of issues going on here - it's not just about the dog.
 Bachelorette.Number1
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 62
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 7:31:05 PM
I personally would guess that moving in together after such a short period of dating isn't the best idea.
I'm not crazy about him giving you a timeline to follow to make up your mind - which is still only a couple of months away and it's not like you all have been dating for years and years and it's getting old.....
For me, this guy would be moving way, way too fast. But that's me...

I also don't quite get having a pet and never interacting with it...I personally don't see the point of that.
I also do know some people look at pets as a possession, like having a saw or having a trailer hitch. They're not as emotionally attached to a pet like others are. Or they look at them as useful for guarding the property only or for hunting companions.

So we can see his perspective, it'd be nice if he saw yours too. You love your dog and care what happens to him/her and you care about the kind of life you give him/her.

But another idea - Could you build a dog house, like, a really nice dog house for your/the dogs?

FYI - I wouldn't be able to be sitting in my cozy kitchen with a hot cup of coffee and look out the window and see my pet shivering in the blowing snow...the dog would be in the house in 2 minutes...
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 63
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 8:58:04 PM
well, I know once I was the "controlling person" because a person I dated for several months exclusively had this teeny tiny little dog that slept in his bed and if I moved in my sleep it would bite me. Waking up every night with a bloody foot got more than a little old

That dog was the love of his life; so I didn't bother asking him to banish him out of the room; it wouldn't have worked. I banished myself out of both of their lives :)

I love animals. Adore them actually. All animals. But I draw the line at bleeding in my sleep. In the house is cool. In bed under the covers on my side of the bed? Not so much. Creepy.

And if that makes me controlling? Guess I'm controlling.

The OP's guy though? they definitely are more than a little rigid. Careful OP... if they are like this now? It won't be less so later.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 64
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/1/2014 9:00:33 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^
Sleeping with shoes on would help:)
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 65
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 5:39:20 AM
OP didn't say anything about her dog being aggressive. No pit bulls in this thread.Bottom line is that the bf is on a mission.His.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 66
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 6:50:54 AM

Decide whether you want a man or a pet.


More accurately:

Decide whether you want THIS man or your (currently lives inside the house dog) pet.

Because ... there ARE other men who don't mind having a dog inside the house. I know plenty of them. It doesn't make the ones who feel differently 'wrong' but it may make them 'wrong for you'.

Why is there SO much insistence of forcing a square peg into a round hole? (and that is not innuendo)

This type of discussion comes up in the forums all the time, often with relationships that are just starting out - there is a fundamental disagreement and it often seems the poster is trying to rally others to THEIR side, wanting to be told that they are right.

Here's an idea: instead of trying to force someone to change (or allowing someone to force you to change) on things that you feel strongly about - why not try to find a person who is a good match for you - where the important things that matter to you, matter to them? Where the things that will require compromise are NOT things either of you feel strongly about.

And... where the other person won't call you CRAZY (or some other really negative thing) if you disagree on something.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 67
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History
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:25:35 AM
I think your comment about controlling is the issue, not whether he wants your dog in his house. Living together is about compromise. The merging of lives is difficult at best and many times impossible. If he is unwilling to even discuss compromise I think he is giving you an idea as to who he is. Unfortunately it sounds like this is probably the first of many issues that he will "dictate" as to how things will be done. If you prefer being told how you should live your life, he is the one for you.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 68
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:28:57 AM
OP: Did the guy ever say he loves you, and that's why he wants you to move in with him right away? A person who is in love with someone would never try to make them feel uncomfortable and give them a schedule to be followed when it comes to important decisions like living arrangements and pet care. What do you think he would say or do if you tell him you want to take your time to get to really know him first, and maybe even wait a year before considering playing house-and possibly even consider a marriage proposal and wedding plans first? If he actually loved you, he would have no problem with this. Why is he (or you) in such a rush? I don't buy the "We're getting older, so we must live together and start producing babies right now" bs. That sounds more like a way to trap you, so that you don't have an easy escape route if things fall apart.

I generally believe the philosophy of a lot of people who say that everybody has a past, including failed relationships, and the past should be left in the past and should not influence the future. The exception (IMO) would be someone who has a criminal past or any other unusual circumstance. But I think in this case, maybe you should try to dig into his past-especially when it comes to previous relationships and what happened with them, because it sounds suspicious that he's so eager to have you live with him right away in his house before you get to really know him and him really knowing you. If what you wrote is accurate, I wouldn't fully trust him at the moment.
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 69
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:10:05 AM
OMG....Call the cops!!
Unbelievable.....because someone has a different point of view on having dogs in the house....he's now become
a criminal....untrustworthy....undateable...controlling...etc...

OP....quit reading this rubbish and make up your own mind.
If it's a deal breaker with you and there is no solution between the 2 of you...call it off!
Make a choice...that's the sweet thing about it...you have a voice....No one is forcing you to do anything..
Easy...peasy
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 71
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:27:42 AM
^^^

Excellent and accurate commentary, NoBuddies_Fool.
Two people can have differing opinions and you are correct it is just that...two differing opinions.

Sometimes people can't find a way to reside under the same roof. That occasionally happens.
It certainly doesn't make one person (or the other) a truly BAD human being.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 72
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:53:43 AM
My rotti is an outside dog who also enjoys the couch.My bijon male is an inside dog.He barks at everything at anytime.Somebody call animal control.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 73
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 11:37:47 AM
The dog is just the tip of the iceberg, you need to read all her posts, not just the first one... he wants her to marry him, wants to keep her barefoot and pregnant in his house, all this after just two months - and he gave her an ultimatum... he wants an answer by Christmas - how heartwarming (not)! What a control freak. And I'm betting he just gets worse as time goes on.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 74
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History
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 11:58:14 AM
Sadly, there are many people who think two months is more than enough time to fall in love with a complete stranger, that someone being manipulating/controlling and suggesting you be harmful to someone/something you love, is better than being alone and looking. They of course come back with tales of abuse, but don't take the advice given then either. They spend most their time wondering why me, and even worse, bring children into the abusive/lousy relationship. If you insist on being in a relationship(s) where great damage will be done, do not bring in innocent pets or children or your other family members to share in the misery.

There's a big difference between having a difference of opinions on things, and having one person tell you how you are going to live, how you are going to feel, what will be done and when. It's amazing that people see this as...well at least she found her a man, she should be grinning and planning that wedding. Give me a break.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 75
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 12:52:12 PM
I only only see an unwillingness to comprimise.
If that is a deal breaker for you, then dump him. It's easy enough.

There are a lot of factors in letting a dog be an inside dog or not. Does the dog have health issues; is it house trained; is it prone to chewing furniture; is it fixed; does it sleep with you; does it incessantly bark; does it jump onto couches?

I think the bigger problem is the fact yall decided to move in together so quickly. Yall don't even know eachother yet.
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