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 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 67
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New relationship, Big ProblemPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think your comment about controlling is the issue, not whether he wants your dog in his house. Living together is about compromise. The merging of lives is difficult at best and many times impossible. If he is unwilling to even discuss compromise I think he is giving you an idea as to who he is. Unfortunately it sounds like this is probably the first of many issues that he will "dictate" as to how things will be done. If you prefer being told how you should live your life, he is the one for you.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 68
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 7:28:57 AM
OP: Did the guy ever say he loves you, and that's why he wants you to move in with him right away? A person who is in love with someone would never try to make them feel uncomfortable and give them a schedule to be followed when it comes to important decisions like living arrangements and pet care. What do you think he would say or do if you tell him you want to take your time to get to really know him first, and maybe even wait a year before considering playing house-and possibly even consider a marriage proposal and wedding plans first? If he actually loved you, he would have no problem with this. Why is he (or you) in such a rush? I don't buy the "We're getting older, so we must live together and start producing babies right now" bs. That sounds more like a way to trap you, so that you don't have an easy escape route if things fall apart.

I generally believe the philosophy of a lot of people who say that everybody has a past, including failed relationships, and the past should be left in the past and should not influence the future. The exception (IMO) would be someone who has a criminal past or any other unusual circumstance. But I think in this case, maybe you should try to dig into his past-especially when it comes to previous relationships and what happened with them, because it sounds suspicious that he's so eager to have you live with him right away in his house before you get to really know him and him really knowing you. If what you wrote is accurate, I wouldn't fully trust him at the moment.
 NoBuddies_Fool
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 69
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:10:05 AM
OMG....Call the cops!!
Unbelievable.....because someone has a different point of view on having dogs in the house....he's now become
a criminal....untrustworthy....undateable...controlling...etc...

OP....quit reading this rubbish and make up your own mind.
If it's a deal breaker with you and there is no solution between the 2 of you...call it off!
Make a choice...that's the sweet thing about it...you have a voice....No one is forcing you to do anything..
Easy...peasy
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 71
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:27:42 AM
^^^

Excellent and accurate commentary, NoBuddies_Fool.
Two people can have differing opinions and you are correct it is just that...two differing opinions.

Sometimes people can't find a way to reside under the same roof. That occasionally happens.
It certainly doesn't make one person (or the other) a truly BAD human being.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 72
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 9:53:43 AM
My rotti is an outside dog who also enjoys the couch.My bijon male is an inside dog.He barks at everything at anytime.Somebody call animal control.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 73
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 11:37:47 AM
The dog is just the tip of the iceberg, you need to read all her posts, not just the first one... he wants her to marry him, wants to keep her barefoot and pregnant in his house, all this after just two months - and he gave her an ultimatum... he wants an answer by Christmas - how heartwarming (not)! What a control freak. And I'm betting he just gets worse as time goes on.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 74
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 11:58:14 AM
Sadly, there are many people who think two months is more than enough time to fall in love with a complete stranger, that someone being manipulating/controlling and suggesting you be harmful to someone/something you love, is better than being alone and looking. They of course come back with tales of abuse, but don't take the advice given then either. They spend most their time wondering why me, and even worse, bring children into the abusive/lousy relationship. If you insist on being in a relationship(s) where great damage will be done, do not bring in innocent pets or children or your other family members to share in the misery.

There's a big difference between having a difference of opinions on things, and having one person tell you how you are going to live, how you are going to feel, what will be done and when. It's amazing that people see this as...well at least she found her a man, she should be grinning and planning that wedding. Give me a break.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 75
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 12:52:12 PM
I only only see an unwillingness to comprimise.
If that is a deal breaker for you, then dump him. It's easy enough.

There are a lot of factors in letting a dog be an inside dog or not. Does the dog have health issues; is it house trained; is it prone to chewing furniture; is it fixed; does it sleep with you; does it incessantly bark; does it jump onto couches?

I think the bigger problem is the fact yall decided to move in together so quickly. Yall don't even know eachother yet.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 76
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/2/2014 1:05:53 PM


Some other posters have criticized the guy for being unwilling to compromise. I'm not sure what the compromise is. He doesn't want dogs inside in his own house. How do you compromise on that--it's an 'either/or' situation? I would think that 'how to deal with pets' is one of those deal-breakers, like "what religion our kids will be?", or "In what part of the country will we be living?" If you don't agree on those fundamental issues, it's better to move on (better for both of you) and let each of you find a better match.

It does suck . . . of all the reasons to end a relationship, irreconcilable pet differences is one that may seem silly to many people. But it won't seem silly to any animal owners who deeply love their pets.

^^^ agreed.



Here's an idea: instead of trying to force someone to change (or allowing someone to force you to change) on things that you feel strongly about - why not try to find a person who is a good match for you - where the important things that matter to you, matter to them? Where the things that will require compromise are NOT things either of you feel strongly about.

^^^ Very well said.
 TLC200
Joined: 7/26/2014
Msg: 77
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/3/2014 10:21:16 PM
the dog will love her til the day it dies.

he may not.

i'd stick with the dog.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 78
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/3/2014 11:32:53 PM
I have twelve paws here that says, "If you don't like us, then go away." This pets issue is only the tip of the iceberg. Think about it, he's that cold about your dog. When WILL he turn on you?
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 79
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 2:24:07 AM
Assuming the whole story has been posted, the answer is very simple.

Dump his azz, he is a manipulative control freak.
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 80
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 2:35:54 AM

Unbelievable.....because someone has a different point of view on having dogs in the house....he's now become
a criminal....untrustworthy....undateable...controlling...etc..


Just one problem with this theory, the OP clearly stated he KNEW she had a dog BEFORE they ever met.

That means this guy knew it was a deal breaker for him, but HE decided not to reveal that fact until as another commented he believed "he had his hooks in her".

Sorry, that does indeed make him manipulative AND a control freak.
 wooweewoo13
Joined: 7/7/2013
Msg: 81
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 3:25:11 AM
YOU have your wants and HE has his.....if you cant come to a pass it might be better if you wait or move on...believe me this IS a small thing ......there are way bigger things to work on during a relationship than dogs......really ...good luck!
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 82
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 3:33:22 AM
@old.......

And SHE knew that HE had a dog that lived out side!!!

Yeah, sorry...while I believe the guy has other problems I still think that she should have clarified when she discovered THAT.

When I had MY dog, I was very proactive about finding someone with similar values regarding dogs,,,ie.no animals on the furniture, my dog stays INDOORS, as that is what he is used to and it's MUCH easier for a criminal to "deal" with a noisy dog who lives outside, as in your dog does a better job protecting you when you are present. It's NOT only those things,a dog that has never lived outdoors will also be more likely to get sprayed by a skunk or quilled by a porcupine, hit by a car, etc.
But as others have said, that is a personal preference and if the dog is used to outdoor living, has access to adequate shelter, water, food, etc. and, depending on the breed of dog, this is NOT necessarily animal abuse.

My earlier point was that at the point when she stayed over and COULDN'T bring her dog, why did she NOT have a conversation about that THEN???
She is NOT some "helpless female" and this is one of those things like children...Some people think that it's ok to let their children run wild, while others apply a more disciplined approach...

OP
Obviously you were aware of the differences in your philosophies regarding dogs, from what sounds like pretty early on, why did you not bring up the subject then and discuss it?
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 83
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 3:36:40 AM
An animal is akin to having a child for some people. "Pet damage" is more than just a problem, here -- it's somebody who claims to loves somebody and expects that their partner abandon them or station them in a place all of time which wouldn't be safe under certain conditions. This includes inviting somebody he doesn't know well into his home in cohabitation arrangement he doesnt know, to save a little bit of money on his expenses so he can save for something or somebody better whilst using her body without any form of long term commitment involved.

Yes, this is a control freak and an ***hole who doesn't respect anybody but himself. Yes, it's is his property, his home, and he can do as he wishes, even invite a person he doesn't know to stay/live with them to use them for sex, if he'd like. It doesn't mean he deserves a title less than a control-freakish ***hole.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 84
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 4:51:58 AM
I don't DISAGREE with that...and I believe the man IS a controlling personality from the OTHER things that the OP has shared about his behaviour....


BUT....again,why did SHE not bring up the dog issue,BEFORE while she was staying overnight, or even before that when she first saw that HIS dog was kept outside?

All I'm saying is that THIS did not have to become an issue at ALL...and if she HAD brought it up, I suspect that this thread would never have been started in the first place, as she would have then known his views with NO misunderstanding and could have moved on at that point,before becoming involved...

I had the EXACT same situation when I had my dog....Met a guy who kept huskies and had them ALL kenneled outside...One of the FIRST things that I asked was whether or not that would apply to MY dog as well...should we get to the point that I stayed over...

If your dog is that important to you, and MINE was, for me it's as though I had children...I have to ensure that someone is accepting of that fact BEFORE GOING ANY FURTHER....

Him being an azzhole, doesn't negate her responsibility in this situation imo....After all,it's HER dog and her responsibility to ensure that it is welcome as well as she is....
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 85
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:14:35 AM

And SHE knew that HE had a dog that lived out side!!!


Yes she did, it was not made clear though if she knew that before they met, I would put my money on he didn't tell her.

I never said the OP didn't hold a degree of responsibility for failure to communicate.

That is not the issue at hand however, having a dog that lives outside is not a deal breaker for the OP, it was his deal breaker, his duty to communicate as such.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 86
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:33:23 AM

Just one problem with this theory, the OP clearly stated he KNEW she had a dog BEFORE they ever met.

That means this guy knew it was a deal breaker for him, but HE decided not to reveal that fact until as another commented he believed "he had his hooks in her".

Sorry, that does indeed make him manipulative AND a control freak.

Exactly...and likely never mentioned his dog or his take on the whole thing too soon for fear he'd be eliminated as a prospect. Blech.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 87
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:50:04 AM

BUT....again,why did SHE not bring up the dog issue,BEFORE while she was staying overnight, or even before that when she first saw that HIS dog was kept outside?



Hate quoting MYSELF, but....lol

At SOME point, and it was early on because she never brought her dog to his house, she KNEW that he did NOT want HIS dog in the house....So why would he allow HERS? She OBVIOUSLY knew that he didn't want HER dog in his house either...which is why she had it stay with friends and family...To me, it sounds like she pursued the relationship DESPITE knowing his preference or else without actually saying the words and ASKING, and was then "surprised" that it was an issue...That, to me is HER responsibility...There are NO victims here...
She had every opportunity to end the relationship before becoming emotionally invested and chose NOT to...despite the difference in their philosophies regarding pet care...

As it turns out the guy sounds like a right douche any way...but that is for other reasons entirely...and she would be wise to move on...imo

And, as I said, when I was dating and had a dog, I asked that question in the situation that I described, to be precise, on our first date, because he had mentioned that he kept sled dogs who lived outside when I asked if he had pets.... I know that not ALL people feel the same way about animals or have the same philosophies about how they should be cared for...

Even with other men, I would mention that I had a dog, too difficult to hide a 135lb German Shepherd for long!...to guage their reaction and see if that was going to be a problem, as in allergies, a dislike for dogs, etc. and would decide from there based on how they responded, as to whether or not to pursue the relationship....

We all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves, is what I'm getting at here, and if something is important to a person,I would think that would be something to clarify in a dating situation, UP FRONT, or asap for the simple reason that you can then make informed decisions as to whether or not to pursue a particular relationship...If it makes it any better, I think that HE also should have been clear about HIS preferences for dogs,too, although I suspect he was to some extent, otherwise I'm guessing that she would have brought her dog along on sleepovers...
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 88
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 6:00:48 AM
^^ Yes, this is right. I should think that if people consider their pets as family instead of disposable extras one collects for the sake having them, this would be an issue addressed rather quickly and honestly, much like the issues and questions regarding children. Pets do factor into the family dynamic in any discussions around cohabitation arrangements. People sometimes forget this.
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 89
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 11:04:13 AM

At SOME point, and it was early on because she never brought her dog to his house, she KNEW that he did NOT want HIS dog in the house....So why would he allow HERS? She OBVIOUSLY knew that he didn't want HER dog in his house either...which is why she had it stay with friends and family...To me, it sounds like she pursued the relationship DESPITE knowing his preference or else without actually saying the words and ASKING, and was then "surprised" that it was an issue...That, to me is HER responsibility...There are NO victims here...
She had every opportunity to end the relationship before becoming emotionally invested and chose NOT to...despite the difference in their philosophies regarding pet care..


I can't disagree with any of the above, but I will say it again, where have I EVER said she is a victim?

In my first comment I prefaced everything with I think it was "based on what information has been given in the OP", or something similar. If the post has a few tidbits left out it could completely reverse the situation and make HER the manipulative control freak. The devil is always in the details, all I can do is give my opinion on known information.

I think some are misunderstanding what I am saying in that they think I am holding her blameless, she is as at fault as he is for the situation getting to this point.

Once again this point doesn't change the fact it was his deal breaker, which he intentionally withheld, in order to allow her to become emotionally attached before attempting to control her.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 90
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 12:09:41 PM

Once again this point doesn't change the fact it was his deal breaker, which he intentionally withheld, in order to allow her to become emotionally attached before attempting to control her.


Obviously I'm not explaining myself well, so how about you tell me exactly why you think that this statement applies in this situation...perhaps, I can get clear as to where the misunderstanding is, because the point I am trying to make is that as MUCH of a douche as this guy sounds, he actually did NOT do this....as far as I can see, in the situation regarding the dog.
Also,my apologies and let me clarify this , I actually never said that I think ANYONE said she was a victim, that is a term that I am using, not you or any one else.
I am using that term because what I am hearing is that she was somehow "hoodwinked" by this guy and I disagree, and in fact believe that she could have avoided this entire situation if she had taken even the LEAST bit of responsibility and asked and or clarified whether his "deal breaker"applied to HER dog as it APPEARED to from the fact that she was not allowed to bring it over or chose not to because she didn't want to confront the situation. Never mind that they could have had a simple conversation as I mentioned regarding philosophies about pet care well in advance of ANY of that, if she chose to bring it up.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 91
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 12:37:49 PM

I have a dog and she lives inside my house. He knew this before we met and he didn't ever mention that he is totally against having pets in the house. He has a dog of his own, which is an outside pet only.


If HIS dog is an outside dog, then why wasn't the question asked THEN? Did she assume that HER dog would be given "special" treatment despite the fact that he kept his OWN dog outside?



It is becoming an issue because he wants me to spend the weekend at his house and won't allow my dog inside at all. He says she can stay outside or in the barn. I have had friends or family watch her for the weekends, but I am not willing to do this any longer.


Is there a lack of clarity that I'm just not seeing here???? He doesn't keep his OWN dog in the house, and now doesn't want HER dog in his house...that sounds about RIGHT, and if I were her, I wouldn't expect any less...Nothing being hidden there...



He wants me to think about moving into his house, since I rent (in the next few months). However, I am not willing to give up my dog or have her live outdoors. It doesn't matter how many times we discuss this, the conversation goes nowhere and he has even called me "crazy" for allowing my dog to be inside the house. I have never met anyone who is SO totally against this.....


AND there you have it...a "conversation" that was LONG overdue, considering what went before....and it sounds like she was hoping that he would make an exception because her dog is an indoor dog...
Again...it's her responsibility to take care of her dog and her interests....not HIS...

Now if he had no dog himself and always came over to HER house and NEVER once mentioned that he didn't approve of having dogs in the house...that would be a different story...But that's NOT what happened, here....

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