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 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 82
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New relationship, Big ProblemPage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
@old.......

And SHE knew that HE had a dog that lived out side!!!

Yeah, sorry...while I believe the guy has other problems I still think that she should have clarified when she discovered THAT.

When I had MY dog, I was very proactive about finding someone with similar values regarding dogs,,,ie.no animals on the furniture, my dog stays INDOORS, as that is what he is used to and it's MUCH easier for a criminal to "deal" with a noisy dog who lives outside, as in your dog does a better job protecting you when you are present. It's NOT only those things,a dog that has never lived outdoors will also be more likely to get sprayed by a skunk or quilled by a porcupine, hit by a car, etc.
But as others have said, that is a personal preference and if the dog is used to outdoor living, has access to adequate shelter, water, food, etc. and, depending on the breed of dog, this is NOT necessarily animal abuse.

My earlier point was that at the point when she stayed over and COULDN'T bring her dog, why did she NOT have a conversation about that THEN???
She is NOT some "helpless female" and this is one of those things like children...Some people think that it's ok to let their children run wild, while others apply a more disciplined approach...

OP
Obviously you were aware of the differences in your philosophies regarding dogs, from what sounds like pretty early on, why did you not bring up the subject then and discuss it?
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 83
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 3:36:40 AM
An animal is akin to having a child for some people. "Pet damage" is more than just a problem, here -- it's somebody who claims to loves somebody and expects that their partner abandon them or station them in a place all of time which wouldn't be safe under certain conditions. This includes inviting somebody he doesn't know well into his home in cohabitation arrangement he doesnt know, to save a little bit of money on his expenses so he can save for something or somebody better whilst using her body without any form of long term commitment involved.

Yes, this is a control freak and an ***hole who doesn't respect anybody but himself. Yes, it's is his property, his home, and he can do as he wishes, even invite a person he doesn't know to stay/live with them to use them for sex, if he'd like. It doesn't mean he deserves a title less than a control-freakish ***hole.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 84
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 4:51:58 AM
I don't DISAGREE with that...and I believe the man IS a controlling personality from the OTHER things that the OP has shared about his behaviour....


BUT....again,why did SHE not bring up the dog issue,BEFORE while she was staying overnight, or even before that when she first saw that HIS dog was kept outside?

All I'm saying is that THIS did not have to become an issue at ALL...and if she HAD brought it up, I suspect that this thread would never have been started in the first place, as she would have then known his views with NO misunderstanding and could have moved on at that point,before becoming involved...

I had the EXACT same situation when I had my dog....Met a guy who kept huskies and had them ALL kenneled outside...One of the FIRST things that I asked was whether or not that would apply to MY dog as well...should we get to the point that I stayed over...

If your dog is that important to you, and MINE was, for me it's as though I had children...I have to ensure that someone is accepting of that fact BEFORE GOING ANY FURTHER....

Him being an azzhole, doesn't negate her responsibility in this situation imo....After all,it's HER dog and her responsibility to ensure that it is welcome as well as she is....
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 85
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:14:35 AM

And SHE knew that HE had a dog that lived out side!!!


Yes she did, it was not made clear though if she knew that before they met, I would put my money on he didn't tell her.

I never said the OP didn't hold a degree of responsibility for failure to communicate.

That is not the issue at hand however, having a dog that lives outside is not a deal breaker for the OP, it was his deal breaker, his duty to communicate as such.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 86
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:33:23 AM

Just one problem with this theory, the OP clearly stated he KNEW she had a dog BEFORE they ever met.

That means this guy knew it was a deal breaker for him, but HE decided not to reveal that fact until as another commented he believed "he had his hooks in her".

Sorry, that does indeed make him manipulative AND a control freak.

Exactly...and likely never mentioned his dog or his take on the whole thing too soon for fear he'd be eliminated as a prospect. Blech.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 87
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 5:50:04 AM

BUT....again,why did SHE not bring up the dog issue,BEFORE while she was staying overnight, or even before that when she first saw that HIS dog was kept outside?



Hate quoting MYSELF, but....lol

At SOME point, and it was early on because she never brought her dog to his house, she KNEW that he did NOT want HIS dog in the house....So why would he allow HERS? She OBVIOUSLY knew that he didn't want HER dog in his house either...which is why she had it stay with friends and family...To me, it sounds like she pursued the relationship DESPITE knowing his preference or else without actually saying the words and ASKING, and was then "surprised" that it was an issue...That, to me is HER responsibility...There are NO victims here...
She had every opportunity to end the relationship before becoming emotionally invested and chose NOT to...despite the difference in their philosophies regarding pet care...

As it turns out the guy sounds like a right douche any way...but that is for other reasons entirely...and she would be wise to move on...imo

And, as I said, when I was dating and had a dog, I asked that question in the situation that I described, to be precise, on our first date, because he had mentioned that he kept sled dogs who lived outside when I asked if he had pets.... I know that not ALL people feel the same way about animals or have the same philosophies about how they should be cared for...

Even with other men, I would mention that I had a dog, too difficult to hide a 135lb German Shepherd for long!...to guage their reaction and see if that was going to be a problem, as in allergies, a dislike for dogs, etc. and would decide from there based on how they responded, as to whether or not to pursue the relationship....

We all have a responsibility to look out for ourselves, is what I'm getting at here, and if something is important to a person,I would think that would be something to clarify in a dating situation, UP FRONT, or asap for the simple reason that you can then make informed decisions as to whether or not to pursue a particular relationship...If it makes it any better, I think that HE also should have been clear about HIS preferences for dogs,too, although I suspect he was to some extent, otherwise I'm guessing that she would have brought her dog along on sleepovers...
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 88
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 6:00:48 AM
^^ Yes, this is right. I should think that if people consider their pets as family instead of disposable extras one collects for the sake having them, this would be an issue addressed rather quickly and honestly, much like the issues and questions regarding children. Pets do factor into the family dynamic in any discussions around cohabitation arrangements. People sometimes forget this.
 oldfashmntman
Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 89
New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 11:04:13 AM

At SOME point, and it was early on because she never brought her dog to his house, she KNEW that he did NOT want HIS dog in the house....So why would he allow HERS? She OBVIOUSLY knew that he didn't want HER dog in his house either...which is why she had it stay with friends and family...To me, it sounds like she pursued the relationship DESPITE knowing his preference or else without actually saying the words and ASKING, and was then "surprised" that it was an issue...That, to me is HER responsibility...There are NO victims here...
She had every opportunity to end the relationship before becoming emotionally invested and chose NOT to...despite the difference in their philosophies regarding pet care..


I can't disagree with any of the above, but I will say it again, where have I EVER said she is a victim?

In my first comment I prefaced everything with I think it was "based on what information has been given in the OP", or something similar. If the post has a few tidbits left out it could completely reverse the situation and make HER the manipulative control freak. The devil is always in the details, all I can do is give my opinion on known information.

I think some are misunderstanding what I am saying in that they think I am holding her blameless, she is as at fault as he is for the situation getting to this point.

Once again this point doesn't change the fact it was his deal breaker, which he intentionally withheld, in order to allow her to become emotionally attached before attempting to control her.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 90
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 12:09:41 PM

Once again this point doesn't change the fact it was his deal breaker, which he intentionally withheld, in order to allow her to become emotionally attached before attempting to control her.


Obviously I'm not explaining myself well, so how about you tell me exactly why you think that this statement applies in this situation...perhaps, I can get clear as to where the misunderstanding is, because the point I am trying to make is that as MUCH of a douche as this guy sounds, he actually did NOT do this....as far as I can see, in the situation regarding the dog.
Also,my apologies and let me clarify this , I actually never said that I think ANYONE said she was a victim, that is a term that I am using, not you or any one else.
I am using that term because what I am hearing is that she was somehow "hoodwinked" by this guy and I disagree, and in fact believe that she could have avoided this entire situation if she had taken even the LEAST bit of responsibility and asked and or clarified whether his "deal breaker"applied to HER dog as it APPEARED to from the fact that she was not allowed to bring it over or chose not to because she didn't want to confront the situation. Never mind that they could have had a simple conversation as I mentioned regarding philosophies about pet care well in advance of ANY of that, if she chose to bring it up.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 91
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New relationship, Big Problem
Posted: 10/14/2014 12:37:49 PM

I have a dog and she lives inside my house. He knew this before we met and he didn't ever mention that he is totally against having pets in the house. He has a dog of his own, which is an outside pet only.


If HIS dog is an outside dog, then why wasn't the question asked THEN? Did she assume that HER dog would be given "special" treatment despite the fact that he kept his OWN dog outside?



It is becoming an issue because he wants me to spend the weekend at his house and won't allow my dog inside at all. He says she can stay outside or in the barn. I have had friends or family watch her for the weekends, but I am not willing to do this any longer.


Is there a lack of clarity that I'm just not seeing here???? He doesn't keep his OWN dog in the house, and now doesn't want HER dog in his house...that sounds about RIGHT, and if I were her, I wouldn't expect any less...Nothing being hidden there...



He wants me to think about moving into his house, since I rent (in the next few months). However, I am not willing to give up my dog or have her live outdoors. It doesn't matter how many times we discuss this, the conversation goes nowhere and he has even called me "crazy" for allowing my dog to be inside the house. I have never met anyone who is SO totally against this.....


AND there you have it...a "conversation" that was LONG overdue, considering what went before....and it sounds like she was hoping that he would make an exception because her dog is an indoor dog...
Again...it's her responsibility to take care of her dog and her interests....not HIS...

Now if he had no dog himself and always came over to HER house and NEVER once mentioned that he didn't approve of having dogs in the house...that would be a different story...But that's NOT what happened, here....

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