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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...      Home login  
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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...Page 2 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)
No one usually has to get me to agree to one of these (FWB, not FB or NSA - I'm talking a situation where I am friends with or have already dated the guy), I tend to want this, suggest it and pick the person myself, but let me see if I can put myself in that situation.

... what would be the reason the guy wouldn't follow through with it?

The only three I can think of are he realized he'll become attached, he lost interest/found someone else he'd rather mambo with or expected you to turn him down or negotiate more than just sex as an arrangement and you didn't follow what he expected.

It was his idea. I'm not really the type, but figured what the heck? I'm getting nowhere finding an actual relationship and I'm not getting any younger. And I'm not even sure I want someone around all the time anyway. We like each other. We dated for a while last year and have kept in touch over the past year, but not dated.

Does he think you'll sleep with someone else as well as him?

It's been a month ago we discussed our arrangement. I've gotten a couple of texts and emails, but nothing about meeting up. I haven't pushed the issue either though.

Maybe he wants to be sure you really want this by waiting for you to bring it up.

I don't really need anyone to tell me he changed his mind, met someone else, etc. because I've already been over that in my head.

Ok then, forget what I said.

Just seems odd if a guy gets a woman to agree to a FWB relationship, which is probably what every guy really wants, why would he not follow through?

This is probably something you can straight out ask him about. It won't ruin any relationship you don't have. In this case it's hard to venture a guess about what he's thinking. He's either dragging his feet on it or decided against it but only he knows why.

I'd make plans to get together and do the deed and see what happens. He'll either agree and go for it or back out and (perhaps) give you some explanation. You got nothing to lose.

no, there was no sex last time we dated. I don't even know why -- mutual attraction, lots of PDA. It just didn't happen.

He's nervous about the sex maybe?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 9:38:38 AM

We dated for a while last year and have kept in touch over the past year, but not dated.


I think that's a key statement-the fact you two dated for a while, but not any longer. Another key statement is what's not said-the real reason for the break-up. Were you or him looking to date with the goal of finding the infamous "soul mate for life,/my Prince Charming/Cinderella to grow old and die with", etc., while the other person wasn't as serious about it?

If he was the one who wanted to date casually and you were the one looking for marriage potential, maybe he thought the suggestion of a FWB arrangement would cool off the dream of a fairy tale ending. Guys don't usually suggest a FWB arrangement if they're thinking of having a serious relationship that could possibly lead to marriage or some other form of long term commitment. But then maybe he had second thoughts about it because he knows the potential of one person falling for the other, and he doesn't want to deal with the after-effects if that happens and the feeling is not mutual.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 28
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 12:24:23 PM
Maybe he knows deep down it's never going to happen because he knows you enough to know ( in your words) " I'm not really the type"
You agreed because you're getting nowhere finding a relationship and not getting any younger. Wow. ... bet he feels special. He probably sensed this therefore not is following through.
A successful fwb relationship consist of two people who actually wants to be in a fwb relationship.

Let this be a lesson. Don't say yes when you really mean no.


And btw, if you want a true answer............................ask HIM.


edit* If this guy isn't all that interested I suppose you could call that guy from your last FWB situation.
^^^^
Oh really?! Heh.... well that changes my response a bit. lol
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 1:12:53 PM
IMO-
FwB is not a calculated decision. It is not sought after, negotiated or 'settled for'. It happens organically between 2 people who enjoy hanging out and having sex, but for whatever LEGIT reasons, do not see themselves becoming a full-fledged pair-bond couple. There is no "rule" about other "extra-curricular" sexual activity, but I think that for most genuine FwBs, multiple sex partners introduces an undue amount of STD risk, and besides it's TACKY.Maybe even ICKY.
Also FwBs must accept that if their current "partner in crime" (LOL) DOES cross paths with someone they feel could be a serious LTR candidate,or even-unfortunately!- a "better" FwB, that OUGHT not be any arguing, head games, tears, recriminations...yeah yeah screw "ought";
sometimes a FwB ends with a difference of opinions or 2 people getting to cross-purposes.

But my point, is that FwB is not something that's asked for, offered, negotiated, whatever!
it occurs organically between 2 people who are pretty much on the same page as far as their feelings for one another.

Were I you, OP. I'd just write this deal off. FwBs are not something that one "arranges" via email,phone call or text message.
And don't "agree" to anything you are not completely confortable with. FwBs happen from in-person interactions, not email or text "negotiating".
Cindy O
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 30
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If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 6:24:43 PM
Well, to figure out any more about this, I'd have to know the exact details of the entire conversation about it all. And no, I'm not asking you to post them. It's just that every time there seems to be a mystery going on between two people such as this, the old phrase "the devil is in the details" applies.

For example, I could imagine a guy asking casually if you would agree to an FWB arrangement, not because he actively wanted that with you as a goal for himself, rather more along the lines that he was exploring his options in a vague, sort of meandering way. I've witnessed plenty of people who asked all kinds of questions as though they wanted something, but then failed to follow up in any way.

Classic example, sometimes even used in comedies, though again I've seen it occur a lot in real life...

someone goes into a restaurant, and the waiter or waitress arrives before they've decided what they want, and so they start asking things like "do you have cheesecake?", and when the wait staff answers yes, they stare for a while, and then say "You have fresh coffee?" again ignoring the positive response.

Some people ask questions of others, not as a way to get the answer they intend to act upon, from that person, so much as to explore their own feelings about having asked, and gotten an answer to the question. Maybe he's one of those.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 31
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 6:55:51 PM

FwB is not a calculated decision. It is not sought after, negotiated or 'settled for'. It happens organically between 2 people who enjoy hanging out and having sex, but for whatever LEGIT reasons, do not see themselves becoming a full-fledged pair-bond couple.

I've been doing it wrong then, or things have changed. To me an FWB is an arrangement where you add sex to a friendship you already have with someone you find attractive but don't want to seriously date for whatever reason (time of life, uncommon interests, etc) to satisfy the need for sex so you're not sleeping with more than one person or a stranger - so it's exclusive if done properly. Two people discuss, arrange, agree to this unless/until one or both of them decide it's not for them anymore for whatever reason - then it's dissolved with no hard feelings if both were honest with themselves about what it was.

It has been at least 20 years since I've first asked someone to do something like this - in fact there wasn't a label for it at that time.

I do agree that it isn't usually discussed in impersonal communication.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 32
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 7:43:11 PM

...to satisfy the need for sex so you're not sleeping with more than one person or a stranger - so it's exclusive if done properly.


I agree with the part that it's not something organic that just naturally happens. Both people have to discuss what they want before doing the horizontal bump-whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, a FWB or FB. But what's also up in the air is the exclusive part. If someone's ultimate goal in is to meet that someone special who will be their soul mate for life, should they forget about ever getting into a FWB relationship, even if it takes years or decades or never happens to find Mr./Miss Perfect For Life? Or could it work until either person meets their Prince or Princess Charming? Having an exclusive FWB is too much like a marriage. The only thing missing is the marriage license and wedding photos.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/18/2014 8:22:56 PM

I agree with the part that it's not something organic that just naturally happens. Both people have to discuss what they want before doing the horizontal bump-whether it's a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, a FWB or FB. But what's also up in the air is the exclusive part.

In my situations (sexual) exclusivity is the reason for the FWB. It's sex without strings from someone you know and trust.

If someone's ultimate goal in is to meet that someone special who will be their soul mate for life, should they forget about ever getting into a FWB relationship, even if it takes years or decades or never happens to find Mr./Miss Perfect For Life? Or could it work until either person meets their Prince or Princess Charming?

I have no idea. I don't assume that anyone in an FWB is in the process of trying to find a soul mate or someone to settle down with - usually it means you're not looking to get involved at that time because you're too busy to deal with a full blown relationship or because you just don't want to be in one. I'm sure there are people who set up an FWB while heavily pursuing the love of their life, but I can't say I know anyone who has.

Having an exclusive FWB is too much like a marriage. The only thing missing is the marriage license and wedding photos

...and the sex, the co-habitation, the ability to date others, and the time and effort needed to maintain a serious relationship. FWB in my area anyway implies sexual exclusivity both prefer. It's kind of the point of why it gets set up.
 pageforyou
Joined: 7/1/2011
Msg: 34
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 5:31:24 AM

most guys are scared sh it less of getting what they want, so when the ask and get a yes, they panic.


Ahhhh! So THAT'S the problem! Never would have guessed it. ;)
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 35
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 9:06:56 AM
^^^^^^
I don't believe this viewpoint gets considered by women very often.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 9:31:41 AM
It wasn't my intention to imply that the friendship was not present. It is a point I frequently bring up-that the first word in the phrase is "friend". Whether the friendship is in place first or develops concurrently with the benefits, both could be completely valid scenarios.
But my position remains that it is not something one negotiates or arranges via the internet, or that it is something one party "offers" and the other party "accepts". IMO it needs to be a fairly mutual decision, not a negotiation.
The rest of what WIP says is pretty much the way I see a functional FwB operating.
And I also can concieve of scenarions where a FwB could go on for a long time if neither party had much interest in finding "the ONE" . I think that oftentimes a non-cohab LTR gets miscalled as "FwB" in that sort of circumstance.

But to the OT, I think the OP needs to forget about this one. It sounds too contrived and like the guy is just looking for a booty call, not a friendship. Unless that is all the OP wants, in which case the guy may be waiting for HER to make the approach.
Cindy O
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 37
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 9:31:59 AM
"I don't believe this viewpoint gets considered by women very often."

I tend to agree that most people wouldn't have a back-up FWB waiting in the wings, just in case plan A goes out the window.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 38
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If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 1:47:49 PM
There are as many definitions to the meaning of "FWB" as there are to that four letter word "love", and until the two of you sit down and set the parameters for "your" meaning of this, it is nothing more than interpretation on each persons part.

For those of us that have done this, it usually ends up with someone that we enjoy but never had the opportunity or desire to take it to a romantic level and create a partnership that is called a relationship, but rather a relationship that is with a friend we enjoy. Usually it means that we see each other as friends would and enjoy sex within that mix, just as long as neither of us has a relationship with someone else, and willing to share with the other when you no longer can be exclusive because you are sleeping with another or others.

If this man wants you as his "FWB" and you agree, his definition may be that as friends, we have sex when we are together and both want it, and not push to just meet for dates and then sex, but to meet as friends and then let the sex happen as meant to be. This could be once a week if you two met as friends that often before and want to continue that now, or once a month, etc., it all is in how you got together as friends along with those invitations that friends make with each other.

The other way I have seen it done, is a specific date to meet and enjoy some wine, maybe dinner, or a movie and then go home and have sex. This agreement is for the purpose of sex with friendship as a secondary part of it, and the other is friendship with sex being the secondary part. However one views it, it will not work if not talked about and agreed upon mutually before one even considers that type of relationship.

Once one starts this type of friendship, the two of you need to trust each other enough to know, and share, when one is deciding to bed another and stop the potential for sharing things one, or both may not want in their lives......on many levels.

cd
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 39
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If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 3:49:44 PM

Stop drinking and posting, petunia. It just makes you look stupid. And a little jealous.

Its "stu-pit"Op,so git yo big word luvin az rite.
Just PEE green with envy ober yo so sexy self.

Seen big foot lately? I beez lonely and its "appy OUR".


You put way to much of your *sheet* and your families* sheet* in the "street" of the web and think people forget, then get all pizzy wizzy when people laugh at you or call you out on it.

If I agree to a FWB, then I have been drinking.

You agree and he backs out.Thats some funny *sheet* you put out there, yet again.
Keep 'em comin would ya?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 40
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 3:53:01 PM
I'm thinkin I should be offering to do some drinkin with Miss.Pep!!!!!! ;)

 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 41
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If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 4:07:42 PM

Yours may be... live in separate houses, go out, spend time together, have regular, mutually satisfying, exclusive sex but not meet family, nor have joint finances, nor get married, nor breed children etc.


1-0!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 42
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 4:21:26 PM

So it's not like I'm chomping at the bit to bang the guy lol

then why bother???!!
Part of the FwB deal-IMO-is ENJOYING sex with somebody, and yes, "safety" and a reasonable degree of reliability are part of the picture.
But this is not a person you can see forging a pair bond with-in whatever way you choose to conduct a pair bond relationship.
That 'pair bond' -again, IMO!-is more about a state of mind and a state of committment, than it is about living arrangements, finances, and social activities.

Jeez, if it's just about getting laid, OP, go out to some upscale dive bars(lol) and pick up a guy you are pretty sure will make your toes curl.
Why have a half-assed lukewarm sorta-FwB with a guy you don't particularly even want to bang?
Cindy O
 Ready_Real
Joined: 6/5/2014
Msg: 43
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If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 4:57:09 PM
OP,

You don't mention this "proposer's" age. If he's not at least a decade (or two) older, he may be intending to save his "real" fishing efforts for someone at least a decade (or two) younger than he. Because, after all, he looks, thinks, and acts much much younger than his real age. Nonetheless, where you're concerned, until he gets His Big Catch, he's figuring that he's got nothing to lose by keeping his rod dangling in your part of the pond because, "What the heck. She just may bite."
 BeachBikeHike
Joined: 8/15/2014
Msg: 44
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 6:15:00 PM
A guy asks for FWB, it's not really your thing (sez you), but you say Yes, and now the guy isn't following through? And on top of that, you think Peppermint Petunia is JEALOUS of the situation? Are you on crack?
 HondoGal
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 45
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/19/2014 8:19:46 PM

Just seems odd if a guy gets a woman to agree to a FWB relationship, which is probably what every guy really wants, why would he not follow through?

Because it is not what EVERY guy really wants.
Most men, by this age, appreciate compatibility, a congenial, genteel, well-educated woman.
One who cares about him and shows it.
One who takes an interest in his life and concerns. And one who is fun to be with.

 
I'm not really the FWB type. 

If you are not the type you would not be doing it. Nothing wrong with it; just find another one.

 
my only thought was "gee, it might be nice to have sex a couple more times in case I die"

LOL, perhaps you should look into stud service, you know - younger guys:)
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 46
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/20/2014 8:41:11 AM

A guy asks for FWB, it's not really your thing (sez you), but you say Yes, and now the guy isn't following through? And on top of that, you think Peppermint Petunia is JEALOUS of the situation? Are you on crack?


Don't you know everyone is jealous of her? That's legalise for I can dish it out, but can't take it.
 LdyDayna
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 47
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/20/2014 9:08:00 AM
I don't get the whole "arranging thing" about FWB. I think a relationship should just go where it's supposed to go.
As you said, he probably changed his mind. I don't put labels on relationships. But if I had agreed to any type, and it took him a month to follow through, the agreement would be off. Most men want to get it going as soon as possible. Sounds like he wants you on call in case he doesn't meet anyone else.

Seems especially odd since you've dated before. He seems lukewarm, at best, about getting things going. And I, personally, don't do lukewarm. But, to each his/her own.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 48
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/20/2014 11:05:04 AM

I think a relationship should just go where it's supposed to go.

or where it wants to go...
I swear I think sometimes relationships are like trying to back up a single-axle trailer-damn thing gos everywhere but where you are trying to get it to go!
I think most FwBs just turn out that way, other than those where 2 existing friends decide to add benefits into the mix-but STILL, it seems to me that the 2 people would need to have a degree of sexual desire for one another-otherwise it's just an exercise in mutual masturbation. To me that seems a little TOO calculated, however that's just my personal opinion.
I've found that I am much more apt to be "chompin' at the bit" to bang somebody while being fully cognizant that I do not want that person interwoven into my life as a Significant Other. For the most part I want the whole deal, but there have been times in my life where that wasn't really a good or workable idea.
That's why I refuse to condemn FwBs out of hand. They do have their place in the sociosexual interactions spectrum.
Cindy O
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 49
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/20/2014 1:51:17 PM
We never know WHAT REALLY IS GOING ON IN THE OTHER PERSON'S MIND OR LIFE.
Maybe he has E.D.
Maybe he's never had a FWB.
Maybe...he doesn't even know himself why...

A friend is a friend, a lover is a lover, I do not like all the new terminology out there, FB, hooking up, bla bla bla
 Tsar850
Joined: 3/23/2013
Msg: 50
If a woman agrees to a FWB relationship ...
Posted: 10/20/2014 2:49:33 PM

It was his idea. I'm not really the type, but figured what the heck?


Yes you are the type you not only agreed to it but have now put it on the net for all the world to see.


Just seems odd if a guy gets a woman to agree to a FWB relationship, which is probably what every guy really wants, why would he not follow through?


So he "got" you to agree........did he have to waterboard you?

Do you think that just maybe in the few messages y'all exchanged since he "got" you to agree to this that he might have seen a red flag from you?

Oh I'm sorry that couldn't be it..........Here's a real question to answer why if it is a true friends with benefits why do you even need a reason of why he has not ravished you?

It's not a relationship.......... It's a hook up when convenient to both parties.

That's it......it really is that simple.
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