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 HotNSC123
Joined: 10/17/2014
Msg: 29
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
OP, the problem with everything you've said is, you're not going to escape what you're feeling. That's a battle that can't be won. Do you really think you're the only one who's ever wanted to explore and date around? People do that all the time and when they get sick of it and realize that they're ready for monogamy again, they go after it. There's nothing immoral about that. It's just growing as a person. Better to have those experiences while you're young. There's nothing noble in staying in a relationship you're not 100% committed to or satisfied in. You can waste years doing that and for what? Life is too short for that.

I would argue, what you're feeling is NOT due to your background. Rather, it's due to your current situation and you're not totally being happy in it. You can say you are, but if other guys turn you on physically and especially mentally, what exactly does your boyfriend do for you? The same? I doubt it. And what does that say if it is the same? Should he really have to compete for your attention? He's the BOYFRIEND! If that were the case, why would these thought seem to constantly be there? Sure, people in relationships see attractive people and glance, and maybe even some light flirting, but they don't think about others beyond that. They don't have thoughts of others bombarding their mind, unless their current situations isn't fulfilling them in some way. I think you want to believe that it's your upbringing to avoid the fact that you're not satisfied with your relationship.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 30
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 8:09:03 PM
@Moonbeam
#36

Leftovers.Excellent post.Happens a lot.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 31
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 8:34:48 PM
1) as a PT, you may believe in doing your best "not to fail", but in this case, if you do test yourself and your limits and you find yourself lacking...you won't be the only one hurt. So, try not to use your bf or "person" or whatever as a test of your strength.

2) you're huge on emotional connection. would you say you are more "huge" on it than people you know? do you think there may be a reason for that (lack in childhood, didn't see it in parents, whatever), a reason worth working on separate of the relationships? B/c if you're so huge on it that you may end up sabotaging a relationship...then it doesn't sound so much like its healthy, does it? If you think its a craving, almost on a level of addiction, then yeah, you should be working on that, so you can present a healthy "you" to your next partner, just as you might work on alcoholism or a sexual addiction or whatever b/c you'll sabotage a relationship otherwise.

3) while everyone's focused on you having sex, you say its more on an emotional level. does that mean you might--for example--get into an emotional connection with someone on the net, but never have sex? would you deny your man emotional attention to give it to someone else? could you emotionally connect to someone you didn't find physically attractive, or does sex have to be "proof" that the emotions are there, or does the emotions build up and only sex releases it?

not that you can get away with only emotionally cheating, if you keep your jeans zipped. but as the saying goes, "he's married, he's not dead." In other words, some people who have been coupled for years may sneak a peek or fantacize about someone while they're with their partner. a little bit of mental vacation is normal. you may want to google the term, "polyamoury". you may find some descriptions that fit what you're talking about.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 32
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/22/2014 10:02:46 PM
[edit]People are typing faster than me....my post is pretty much the same as everyone else's...I tried...[/edit]

I don't know how HARD it actually is for you to resist that urge.

Part of being human is dealing with urges and fantasies. Sadly, there isn't a canned answer for how to deal with them, because everyone deals with those things differently.

Personally, I think maybe you should do some soul searching and figure out WHY it's so hard. (without blaming your mother.) I mean, maybe you're not happy. Maybe you don't want to be in a committed relationship. IDK, I'm not you.

If you ARE happy...
The story we all bought is that love is free and easy. And (from what I hear) for some people it is. But for the rest of the world, it takes honest hard work.

BTW, you might want to consider that you're BF may not be 100% honest about this topic.

 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 33
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 4:34:19 AM

like I said it's more so emotional. I'm huge on emotional connection, and if it so happens where I meet a man and I feel a bond it becomes hard to resist. I don't believe in taking an easy way and just giving in to whatever is on my mind, even if it's constantly eating at me. That's like telling an alcoholic, drink all you want because you obviously crave it, and don't get help because it pointless; or telling a sex addict you have an addiction to sex anyway so go bang as many wo/men as you come across. I would rather struggle with my temptation and maybe build some character in the long run, even if I'm fighting myself and I end up losing in the end.


As for meeting a man and "feeling a bond", Not exactly sure what or how that "bond" is formed....
If you really DON'T want to cheat then I suggest that you stop putting yourself in a position to FORM a "bond" with another man...
Emotional affairs require a certain amount of nurturing in order to survive...If you play with fire, you WILL get burned...so,just DON'T go there...

As for this being like an "alcoholic", NOPE...Not at ALL...

As for it being like a "sex addict". yeah, I think you're getting closer with that one...But let's SAY, for argument's sake that you are similar, then what you are doing right now, from the sounds of it, is something called "white knuckling it", where the DESIRE to stop is NOT really there, so much as you don't want to have to pay the consequences of the considered action. anymore...

This isn't about "building character", as I see it...While I don't know your relationship history,I'm going to hazard a guess, that you haven't been single very long in your Life. How did you feel in your previous relationships? How does this relationship compare to those...?

I STILL maintain that it really doesn't sound like you are ready to settle down...

IF you are determined to try, however, then I strongly suggest that you AND him get some couples counseling ASAP, and try to figure out exactly why you feel such temptation to cheat.
Because while people CAN be tempted, it is NOT that difficult for someone to NOT cheat unless there are other, hidden, issues ...such as sex/love addiction, dissatisfaction with your relationship,feeling as though you're "missing out" on something "better",etc.
This is obviously a "battle" that you WILL end up losing, and, as I mentioned before your b/f is the one who is going to be REALLY devastated when/if that happens, not that, I imagine, you, yourself, WON'T, but still...If he IS being faithful and you are feeling like that is such a big challenge for you, then you need to address this issue as vigorously as possible to give this relationship the best chance possible.
Starting a thread on a dating forum is NOT going to get you the help that you need, no matter HOW well-meaning and/or sympathetic people are... counseling WILL...
Good luck...
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 34
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 7:40:24 AM

like I said it's more so emotional. I'm huge on emotional connection, and if it so happens where I meet a man and I feel a bond it becomes hard to resist.


See that is where I dont think you are being honest with yourself on this issue, that isnt a bond you are feeling, it is curiosity and attraction. Somehow I get the feeling that you are looking to men to give you some self worth and value and that you see male attention as validating you.

THere is no way you are feeling a true emotional connection with an individual you hve not spent any amount of time with, that only happens when you get to know an individual and get to know who they really are, not the superficial social "face" people wear most of the time. And this is especially true when you are looking for a possible sexual relationship. I get the feeling that you will spend a large portion of the future chasing something that you will never catch, but in the meantime you will end up hurting a lot of people, including yourself on your never ending quest to find this thing that just isnt out there.

In the meantime, you are not being fair to your boyfriend, walk away so he can find someone who is interested in who he is..
 AstroCat505
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 35
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 10:01:16 AM
OP, as I touched on earlier, and as other forum members have mentioned, something seems to be amiss in your current relationship. You obviously are not getting something from your "boyfriend/person" that you should be. If it is "more so emotional" because you are "huge on emotional connection" and you are seeking to find this connection outside of your relationship with male "friends" however platonic it may appear, then that means you are in a sense "cheating" emotionally on your boyfriend.

I also see this: "If I didn't have this internal conflict with myself and it was as easy as quitting my 3 year relationship and doing what you say, I don't think this thread would be even posted by me in the first place.". That right there suggests that you are afraid of a feeling of "failure" because you might have to throw away a 3 year investment of your life, also I sense good old "pride" rearing it's head too. How long have you been having these personal conflicts with yourself about remaining committed or not? Did they start at the get go of the relationship with your boyfriend because you were used to being "promiscuous"? Or did they only start manifesting over the recent 5 or 6 months in turn with the "novelty" of being in a monogamous relationship wearing off and the flame going out?

" The whole reason for this thread was to see if there are any other folk out there who have a constant battle with themselves to stay faithful.". Yes Silent_Ink, I've been in many a situations where I have questioned my ability to stay in a committed relationship. You want to know how I handled it? I ended that relationship because I have the "conscience" and the "empathy" and the "moral compass" to do so.

End the chances that the innocent may become victims, and avoid the collateral damage that will incur from a dubious situation spiraling out of control. Go find the "boyfriend" that provides you with everything you desire(if that is even possible) and set the current boyfriend free to find someone that respects him and values him completely...
 Onyxbutterflies90
Joined: 10/14/2014
Msg: 36
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 10:34:15 AM
I'm huge on emotional connection, and if it so happens where I meet a man and I feel a bond it becomes hard to resist.


That's not a "bond", that's validation. You're not ok with just receiving attention from men. You want them to dig deeper and validate you by desiring you for more than your body. It's natural to enjoy attention from men. You can get that and remain in a relationship with your boyfriend. What you're seeking is more involved and likely requires therapy to figure out.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 37
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 10:44:24 AM
the thing about temptation is...its only one way to connect to life, to "feel alive". If you have other hobbies/passions/interests, you can decide to avoid temptation, b/c you can use those other things to feel alive and flood your brain with emotion. You don't need to chase temptation, you can substitute the rush it gives you, by chasing other passions and interests and hobbies and concerns.

However, if you're chasing after an emotional connection for something other than the mere rush, if you need a series of emotional connections, if you interested more in the QUANTITY of emotional rushes, not the QUALITY of your emotional rushes...then you may be trying to fill a black hole in your identity, a part of you you don't understand, but if you can fill it with quality, it will make you feel that you've made that part of your life a success, too, that you've reached the level you should have reached...without even understanding fully what it was you were filling up.

It might help to concretely define what you exactly mean by "emotional bond". Is it something YOU feel, or just something THEY prove exists? what you feel (literally) as a bond, may be just a connection, and so you feel that you can go elsewhere for it, instead of having it now and being happy with it.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 38
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 11:11:27 AM

I on the other hand know I have morals and values and I love my boyfriend and I respect him, but I admittedly have a hard time not letting my mind wander; and I obviously struggle with leaving it at just a fantasy that roamed and went away.


OP perhaps you need to look at this in a different perspective.

It wasn't obvious from your post that you have not cheated on him yet. The impression you gave me and perhaps others were that you have cheated in the past as opposed that you have these thoughts.

Thoughts ARE normal. They are called fantasies. I have always been faithful to all my relationships, but that does not stop me from the fantasy of having other women. As you will get older you will realize that is not something bad or wrong, as long as you either keep it a fantasy or something that you and your boyfriend elaborate between the two of you. I've had relationships in which my SO played roles, used wigs, and changed their accent. They acted towards me, as if they had just met me. We have gone to the extend of going to a bar and playing this routine there, where I ended up picking them up and went to some place and had sex. It is called a fantasy and it can be played with your SO. So instead of fighting it, ask your boyfriend to become part of that fantasy and see where it goes.

You can, in the end be the bad girl and the good girl all in one.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 39
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 4:35:25 PM
Silent Ink- I don't think that you were talking about me when you said some of us "have an easy time being faithful", I think that was a general observation, but I'm doing to address it............
It's NOT easy, not for anyone.
You don't stop being human or go blind when you get into a committed relationship.
Any one that try's to say they have never been tempted is a liar.
There were several factors at work that I was able to say faithful-
1) I wanted to-I already addressed that one with you. You have that on your side, you want to be faithful.
2) It was an option and yet it wasn't- that's confusing, but what I mean is I COULD have cheated, but I put myself in a mind set that it WASN'T going to happen.
3)I wasn't going to repeat history-I had a mother that was an awful example too. They influenced us, but I went the other way, meaning that I decided at an early age that I WASN'T my mothers daughter. I made a conscious choice to live my life differently.
4)Separating fantasy from reality- There's feeling an attraction and there's doing something about it.
This is what separates people who cheat from those who don't.
At some point, you have to cross that line and when you do there is NO going back.
You can't unring a bell.
You love your boyfriend, you don't want to hurt or disrespect him, or lose him. You don't want to disrespect YOURSELF.
Cheating often leads to losing it all.
Whenever you are tempted, REMEMBER that.
Some are saying that you might not love your boyfriend as much as you think you do, I'm not so sure that true.
I think that you are just a sexual person who has to struggle more with being faithful.
For this reason, I'm going to second InnerGorilla's advice.
Have fun with your boyfriend, watch movies, use toys, role play.
Use your ability to fantasize to your ADVANTAGE instead of seeing it as a problem.
It won't be a problem as long as you don't cross the line and ACTUALLY cheat, don't do that.
One last thing- I'm one of the first ones on POF to advocate honesty, but I'm not sure telling your boyfriend that you have these thoughts was a good idea.
You can't take it back though, so now you have to address it.
Let your boyfriend know what you told us, basically you may look, but that's ALL you are going to do.
I don't care what anyone says, he's looking/tempted too.
Like I already said, there's fantasy and then there is reality, keep the two FIRMLY separated and you will be ok.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 41
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/23/2014 11:40:29 PM
I think it's harder to stay faithful when you have a lot of options and lots of people interested in you, especially if you haven't had a lot of sexual experience and still think you have to sow your wild oats. Or if the person you are with is not really what you are looking for and/or you are not really into them. Personally, when I'm REALLY into someone I'm not interested at all in anybody else, but ONLY if that person also demonstrates the same level of interest for me. If I'm unsure of someone's feeling for me or I get mixed signals, I keep looking for someone else, while still hoping the other person will come around.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 42
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 12:25:55 AM

I think my biggest problem (and the more I think about it the more I realize it's a pattern) is losing that feeling of excitement. All relationships are exciting in the beginning and then a few years down the line comfort develops, and that familiar feeling, and doing the same ol same ol. Well I thrive on still having that excitment, and when I feel that the relationship has progressed itself into a different form than it was before, it scares me and I want to continue having that feeling of fresh and new. Excitement of getting to know someone for the first time, excitement when they first enter your space/world etc. Thats why quite honestly I think I keep trying to chase that feeling of excitement and freshness and something new; only to realize that what I am doing is completely wrong and then I hate myself and stop it immidiately. It's like a constant cat and mouse game with myself.


So...I'm just curious....

I understand that "excitement", that you're talking about, I think most people do....We've ALL been "programmed" to some extent to ALWAYS want the "new and improved" version...ALL Hail the gods of Captalism...! lol
When taken to the extreme it's called Romance and/or love addiction...

What I'm curious about is that several people now, here on this thread, have suggested counseling to you as one of the ONLY viable options for you,aside from ending your relationship...Yet you haven't even acknowledged that...?
Why is that, I wonder...?
Do you REALLY believe that you are going to solve this issue on your own? You seem to have some insight as to why you are doing this, and would probably benefit a LOT from some counseling, and be able to lay this issue to rest, which is what you say that you want....
Sounds kind of like something else is going on here....
Just be careful that you aren't just setting yourself up for failure...as maybe has happened in the past...?
Sometimes...as much as we may think that we want to change things about ourselves,there is actually a LOT of resistance,even though we may believe that's really what we want...
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 43
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 12:38:46 AM
^^^

This thread is a rather interesting scientific study, that is for certain.
Not quite sure if Silent_Ink actually even wants to alter her plotted course.

Conventional wisdom would naturally suggest cutting the current boyfriend loose.
It is likely challenging for the OP to accept she will likely be with another man...even if still with her current guy.

My fingers are crossed some sense can be made of this before heartache arrives.
Like the classic song says, "The first cut is the deepest..." well, at least the better Sheryl Crow version.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 44
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 6:08:56 AM
^^^^ and 2 ^^^^^


Agreed on the love addictioin or romantic addiction.

I know people like this; actually online has a TON of them. Most of them won't admit it out loud; but they ONLY want the "exciting feeling" of the new.

They don't want the relationship. What they ACTUALLY want? Is the hunt for one.

So in their case, it is not the current boyfriend or girlfriend that will be hurt. It is all the future ones too; because they will NEVER ever stay with one person; they will always be on the prowl for new prey, new excitement, new "friends" who make them feel.

And the person they are with? Will never get the best part of them, because once caught? They're bored with them (or won't let them in because there's risk)

And these people LIKE that feeling; they don't want to fix it. They want to blame their heritage for the fact they're going to cheat/

because it feels good to hunt, be validated, have that rush of new excitement.

Person they're with be danged.

It doesn't feel good to hold up a mirror to waht they're ACTUALLY doing...in the clear light of day. Do they WANT to hurt the person they're with and every person after? Apparently? They don't want not to.. Because if they didn't want not to? They would find the actual hole they are plugging and FIX it... rather than just saying "oh well, my parents cheated, I love feeling this wya, so guess this is what I am".

A lot of things feel good at teh time. Problem is? They don't feel good forever, and the people whose hearts are getting broken and their trust betrayed? THEY don't feel good; and the people they take it out on because they assume then that "all women" must do it? (or men, if it's reversed?) They don't feel good either.

A whole lot of pain for a temporary false high. Based on the sales pitch that they aren't "really" doing anything wrong.

OP? What you are doing? IS wrong. Please stop telling yourself otherwise. If your places were reversed, yo'ud hate it. So don't DO it. Learn to do other things that feel good that don't cause pain and betrayal.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 45
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 6:59:30 AM
This thread has taken some interesting turns, and I have to say, I am proud of the forumnites for keeping it rather civil.
We can be brutal sometimes with the OPs.

Two things come to mind.
bamagirl comments were awesome and I agree with her 100 percent.



I wasn't going to repeat history-I had a mother that was an awful example too. They influenced us, but I went the other way, meaning that I decided at an early age that I WASN'T my mothers daughter. I made a conscious choice to live my life differently.
4)Separating fantasy from reality- There's feeling an attraction and there's doing something about it.


Then there's this interesting comment by the OP.



I think my biggest problem (and the more I think about it the more I realize it's a pattern) is losing that feeling of excitement. All relationships are exciting in the beginning and then a few years down the line comfort develops, and that familiar feeling, and doing the same ol same ol.


So I see two things at play here. Reason why I also agree with Dee that the OP would benefit from some therapy. First of all, therapy does not mean that you're crazy, but rather that there are things of our own past that makes us arrive a conclusions on our life that are discordant to what constitutes our sense of reality. So we end up pursuing or thinking of doing things that seem rather destructive to our being and have a hard time putting the finger on it.

A therapist said to me once and I read it someplace else, that we enter into relationships with people that allow us to relive what we had as children or to SOLVE something we had as children. A lot of people end up in very destructive relationships and when asked why, why and they respond that their "piker" is damaged, what they have fail to see is the relationship to their family of origin.

My disfunction as well as the OP was a father that cheated (and was not present). Yet he had the presence of GOD since he was a high profile, worldly known medical doctor, so he could do no wrong. My last three relationships involved very attractive women that had children. Deep inside, as my therapist would say, I have been trying to prove that a) I don't cheat, b) I am present as a father. Sounds crazy, but that is it.

For the OP. She has these feelings about walking into the steps of her mother, so she battles the thoughts of the freshness of a new relationship and fantasy, and sees them as bad, because they may lead to becoming like her mother. I do believe that if she went to therapy, she could put those things in the proper perspective, so it will help her live not in the shadow of her mother, but in her own sense of reality. I hope this makes sense to you OP.

Your feelings about the knight in shining armor even though have been cliches pass down by all those Disney movies, are actually based on archetypes that run as deep as the Oedipus Complex or the Electra Complex. Many times what women are looking for is an idealized image of their own father. And depending on whether he was PRESENT or not, defines how her relationship with men evolves throughout her life.

We all seek that freshness in our relationships. Sometimes, a relationship runs it's course. So in your case, that may be the case. But it may not. They require work. Work in the bedroom. Work outside of the bedroom. It may simply mean that you discover a new form of sexuality with your partner. Why not try to seduce him to have sex in a new place. Or to do things that you're not supposed to do, like being at a fancy restaurant and playing underneath the table. The point is. You can bring excitement back into the relationship. And you do not then have to feel like the relationship is running stale.
 AstroCat505
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 46
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 7:06:37 AM
What can I say, I predicted that problem to some degree. This is essentially what I mentioned in a previous post:
"Or did they only start manifesting over the recent 5 or 6 months in turn with the "novelty" of being in a monogamous relationship wearing off and the flame going out?"

Which essentially boils down to the same thing as this:
"I think my biggest problem (and the more I think about it the more I realize it's a pattern) is losing that feeling of excitement. All relationships are exciting in the beginning and then a few years down the line comfort develops, and that familiar feeling, and doing the same ol same ol."

Not trying to toot my own horn, but instead point out an underlying problem that everyone has probably encountered at one time or another.

"Novelty":1) The state of being new or novel; newness; newness in an interesting way. ;2) In novelty theory, newness, density of complexification, and dynamic change as opposed to static habituation.

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the reason or one of the reasons that most relationships fail or begin to fold over whether having lasted for years or only for a couple of months. (That takes into account that violence and abuse aren't present)

It's an unfortunate thing, but it happens. It happens even more so in our new era of technology and telecommunication and with the advent of the internet and ability to observe the latest trends, news, etc. And truth be told, online dating caters to this issue by making the "child in a candy store" mentality flourish amongst the patrons of the many different sites.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 47
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 10:42:46 AM
Silent ink- I'm not a therapist and not qualified to "diagnose" you, but this post is telling. (post #49)
There is NO judgement in what I am about to say, but I suspect that you are literally addicted to love.
I found an article that explains it..............
http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/love-addiction-new-relationships-1102124
Please read it, you will recognize what is said in the article.
It describes/repeats what you admit that you are feeling/what you are going through.
All addictions require treatment/therapy.
You COULD try to resolve this yourself, but there are people who specialize in helping people with exactly what you are describing.
There is no shame in asking for help.
This goes beyond trying to save your relationship with your boyfriend.
No matter which way it goes with your relationship with him, this is going to continue to happen unless you address it, that is the core truth of ANY addiction, the cycle continues until you get the help you need to stop it for good.
PLEASE seek help/counseling.
You are NOT crazy, you are NOT broken, there are THOUSANDS of people in the world dealing with SOME type of addiction.
As you can see, many of us here at POF care, we have taken the time to reach out to you, but the next step is yours to take, so take it.
Continue to keep us updated. :)
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 48
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 11:56:38 AM
Well, I think this thread is overblown... much ado about nothing. Love addiction? What the heck does that mean? I mean really?! Seriously?! Usually, people who are in love with their SO are addicted to them, that's normal, healthy and even fun (in a good relationship). "Hello - McFly?!" You can only truly love one person. But who cares! We have pages and pages of talk about relationships, but no talk about love, and how it really works... but I digress!

Fantasizing about cheating is normal... most people do it (surprise!). But have you actually cheated on your boyfriend? According to what you have written so far, that would be a "no". Talk is cheap, but actions scream. If she's not cheating, it's all a bunch of nonsense. She's faithful.

People who are sane, have integrity, and who love their significant other are naturally monogamous. Now, if you have a problem in one of those areas, that's what needs to be addressed. The first one, your mental state, can be handled by a counselor. The others, not so much. Having fantasies, by itself, is not a problem. Again, talk is cheap - and so is this thread! As for me, I'm not cheap, as far as you know!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 49
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 1:03:17 PM
hemingway114- I did a search and there were pages upon pages of results. I had never heard of love addiction either, but there it was, article after article from experts on the subject.
(I typed in key words-pheromones, faithful, relationships and BAM there it was)
Did you even read the article?!
Who are you to say this isn't real?
Overblown?
The only thing over blown here is your reaction.
It's your opinion, there's opinion and then there is fact.
You shouldn't dismiss it so easily.
You can't get inside this OP's head, you don't know what she is feeling or going through.
I have certainly seen my fair share of people hooked on "the chase", the "rush" of new love, finding this article explained a lot.
I'm confident in what I know, but I'm also open to learn, try it.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 50
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 1:20:01 PM

I had never heard of love addiction either, but there it was, article after article from experts on the subject.


Yup...that's what I said and that's what it sounds like and no to anyone who thinks her behaviour is "normal"...it is NOT....

@hemmingway...

This situation is NOT the same thing as being obsessed over the person that you're with, although that isn't terribly healthy either, but an entire issue that rests on the person's "desire" for newer partners and constant stimulation that actually produce that rush of endorphins associated with getting high...
It is NOT about fantasizing either, but has already gone beyond that if she is having "emotional affairs"....

There's nothing "cheap"and/or trivial about it, it IS a very real problem that normally requires some kind of outside intervention to get over, and can be as damaging as a sexual addiction...As bamagirl pointed out, take a look on the net if you care to inform yourself...
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 51
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 1:38:22 PM
dee4166- You DID say it already, I don't always read ALL of the reply's.
Let's just hope the OP focuses on the HELPFUL comments.
To the OP:
It would be a different world if people weren't flawed, but we are, ALL of us, in SOME way.
Two of THE biggest barriers in people seeking help is lack of knowledge/insight and feeling judged.
DON'T focus on what other people might think of you.
It's YOUR life.
My advice stands, (and dee's) I hope you take it :)
 overunity
Joined: 8/16/2014
Msg: 52
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 1:55:29 PM
Simple answer OP, because some people won't put up with someone changing so dramatically from their initial fake personality to land their catch and reverting to their true self, that interest is lost in them forever.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 53
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Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 1:58:15 PM
@bamagirl...

Not looking for "credit" there...lol

Many people said that she should get some therapy, too....It will cut through a LOT of BS in very short order and rather than take 20 years to fix, on her own, can take as little as 1 or two with a good therapist...

OP...Think about it...it's nothing to be ashamed about and if anything just proves that you actually DO care for your SO enough, and ultimately yourself, to address the problem....
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 54
Why is it harder for some people to stay faithful than others?
Posted: 10/24/2014 2:19:42 PM
dee4166- I know you weren't worried about "credit", I was just saying that I missed what you said about love addiction. You learn something new every day, I had heard of sex addiction before, but not actual love addiction.
Addressing this is surely the way to go for the OP.
The only way to fail is to never try/ to give up, this I think EVERYONE on POF can agree on.
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