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 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 26
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Lying about being off from workPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Please let me be clear. I do NOT have an active profile on pof. My profile is hidden. The only people who can view my profile is all of you who viewed my question. I assure you, I do not show up in search results. You are welcome to search my town and ascend and see I am knot included.
 PurpleZebra12
Joined: 10/9/2013
Msg: 27
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/28/2014 7:14:56 PM
Are you planning to add any details about what exactly your boyfriend said?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 28
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/28/2014 7:27:23 PM
^^^^^ No kidding! She posted after me and didn't add anything pertaining to the subject at hand.

OP...Quit addressing these little side things and get to the real details. Seriously!

Come on OP...step it up!
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 29
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/28/2014 7:49:48 PM
Not everyone wants to be totally connected to the rest of the world 24/7. Personally, I enjoy "Dropping off the map" for a while, and a week is a perfect amount of time for me to do that. If I'd only been going out with someone for three months, then I'd probably have had this week "Off grid" planned out before then, and she wouldn't be someone I'd probably tell. Heck, I'd see it as a challenge of sorts, see what her reaction would be when I get back. If she comes up with a bunch of crazy accusations, just show her some proof of what I was doing, then show her the door.

In the three months you'd been with your BF, OP, how much do you know about his job? I mean, is it something where they send him on a business trip and he didn't know about it until the last minute? Or a line of work where you're not privy to that information yet.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 30
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/28/2014 10:24:14 PM
So many questions: Does he know you know he lied? If so, did he say why he lied? What he was doing? I don't have that much of a problem with him taking off work without telling you. I would have a problem if he said he was at work but wasn't. On the other hand, someone lying to me is a very very big deal. One of my few hot buttons.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 31
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/28/2014 11:09:50 PM
here half the forums regulars are, on tenterhooks, leaning forward, clamoring for a solid answer to move the thread forward, while the op flits in to answer a single question not once, but twice, leaving a black hole of information. which also happens to be the core issue of her thread. coincidence?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 32
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:07:51 AM
I must be from another planet because I don't understand what is wrong with going on vacation for week and not telling a soul. It's a f*cking vacation, as in no ties with things and people who remind me of work, no communication, no checking e-mail, nothing!

I'm traveling outside of the country for 3 days, none of my workplaces know why or how or where or anything, they just know I'll be out of work for 3 days. I don't have to offer anyone an explanation. Only my sister knows and of course my mom since I'm accompanying her there but coming back in 3 days. It may be the last time I see my mom since she plans to live abroad from now on.

3 months? well what exactly does that make you two? he doesn't owe you anything. The same as if he were to change jobs and not tell you, why would he have to consult anything with you when it has nothing to do with you? How did he lie? If he had told you he took a week off, would you have suggested he spend time with you (when spacing out is what he wants to do?). If you cannot respect someone's need to be off the grid for a bit, just terminate it now and find someone who would be a better fit for your needs.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 33
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:23:50 AM
Sure it's normal, for a guy that does not give a rats ass. He obviously does not see enough of a connection to have included you in any plans.
This is the stage where people decide to jump in or opt out of a relationship. He may have had plans for a year before he met you or feels he has no obligation to share everything. How did he lie? Did he say he was at work when he was in Aruba?
 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 34
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:31:07 AM
I'm sorry for being so inconclusive. Pof did not permit me to post multiple replies consecutively.
I do not know what he did with his time.
I figured it out on day 2 and he came clean.
I did not see him for the week.
It was his idea to be exclusive.
My profile here is hidden so no man can find or message me.
I never met a one of his friends (family, yes, not friends).
I do not know what he refers to me as.
You are correct in saying he owes me nothing (which means I don't have to go over there either, something he wants).
I would have TOTally been ok with him taking the week off, and not requested to see him, as I had a full work schedule myself.
His only response as to why he lied (by omission) is that he made a mistake and is sorry (no actual explanation).
I remain befudfled, as he alsohad a week off immediately after we first met and he had no problem telling me then.
I make no demands on his time, I have a far busier schedule than him. I'm lucky to get out what little I do.
Any kind replies much appreciated.
Thank you,
OP
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 35
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:56:12 AM
OP...I appreciate the additional information.

Did he specifically tell you what he did the first time shortly after you met?

He definitely owes you an explanation of what he specifically did during that week. Just him admitting his wrongdoing is not acceptable.

He has something to hide.

I would be suspecting it was another woman who is probably more readily available.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 36
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 8:57:44 AM

You are correct in saying he owes me nothing (which means I don't have to go over there either, something he wants).

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, no one is entitled to anything. I don't see the relationship between him not telling you about a week-vacation, with you not having to go over "there" either. That's childish.

There are clearly other issues at play that does not allow you to be multidimensional to reason other possibilities as the cause.


I would have TOTally been ok with him taking the week off, and not requested to see him, as I had a full work schedule myself.

He doesn't know that. It's part of the whole "it's only been 3 months" business. He doesn't know how you're going to react to him wanting a week to himself.


His only response as to why he lied (by omission) is that he made a mistake and is sorry (no actual explanation).

I would stop seeing him. Not because he took a week off and didn't tell him, but because his answer is "made a mistake and is sorry". I keep it simple. Get tested and see if you're now carrying that "mistake" too (if you've already slept with him). Men don't lie, they tell half truths.

My friend is going through some similar issues and the issues are amplifying and re-activating her trust-issues-baggage compartment from past relationships. If you cannot be at peace with whomever you're with, it's time to go. If their actions don't appease you or comfort you, cut it off.


I remain befudfled, as he alsohad a week off immediately after we first met and he had no problem telling me then. I make no demands on his time, I have a far busier schedule than him. I'm lucky to get out what little I do.

3 months is nothing, just cut it off if you're uncomfortable. I don't know what the "mistake" was, but this explanation along with lacking useful information is enough for me to end it. At 3 months, there should be no problem, it's still the honeymoon/adjustment period.

vvvvvv

There are plenty of people who are important to me, but they don't need to know about my whereabouts 24/7, especially when I've only known them for 3 months. They are nothing and no one in my life yet and they certainly do not need to know. It's not like he disappeared, he simply did not disclose he was on vacation from work.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 37
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:04:38 AM

I must be from another planet because I don't understand what is wrong with going on vacation for week and not telling a soul. It's a f*cking vacation, as in no ties with things and people who remind me of work, no communication, no checking e-mail, nothing!


There is a difference between "not telling a soul" and not telling people who are important in your life and might
worry should you disappear for a week, and just plain lying about something there was no need to lie about.

No one is suggesting she can't respect his need to be off the grid for a bit...the question was why would he lie about
going? Why wouldn't he say, I'll be back in a week...talk to you then.

Sheesh...who seriously disappears out of people's lives for a week without at least giving them a heads up?

I guess I must be from another planet because I have more respect for other people's feelings and wouldn't
want to give them a need to worry about me unnecessarily.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 38
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:18:39 AM
Tatsinda, Before you posted your update, I was going to agree with the suggestion, that he may have gone on a hunting/fishing trip with some buddies, and just simply didn't feel the need to explain his actions. And maybe it is just as simple as that, or not.
You have stated you have met family members, but not any of his friends. Does he talk about / have friends?

Now after rereading your posting history, in addition to the unexplained weeks vacation, there is the unavailable Saturdays.
If you have good reason to believe he is not seeing another woman, be it an estranged wife, a recent ex-wife, etc, then perhaps there is a child involved? Visitation situation here? ( Visitation normally occurs on set days at set time periods) Perhaps an older invalid parent? A family member currently living in a nursing care facility?

Whatever the situation is, it seems for him, too early in your relationship, to reveal all of his actions. If you ask a questions in a casual way, such as , "Just curious, (his name) is there a reason you didn't feel comfortable telling me about your time off? Or "Just curious, are you free any Saturdays?"
By keeping the question free of accusations, or assumptions, jumping to conclusions, he most likely will not feel the need to be defensive. He may be open to answering your questions freely and honestly.
 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 39
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:29:36 AM
Thank you for your additional replies.
I neglected to mention he did NOt leave town. He just wanted me thinking he would be at work every day as usual. I don't speak to him until late evening , so he just wanted me to think he was at work. Once I caught on (call it a 6th sense) his only remark was he spent each day doing "absolutley nothing". No explanation, just lots of apologizing for withholding the info.
When he took off right after we first met he did various things such as going to the beach, etc., according to him. Which is fine by me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 40
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 9:55:15 AM

He just wanted me thinking he would be at work every day as usual. I don't speak to him until late evening


So even when he took the week off work, you were still in daily contact in the evenings. My guess is he was suspended from work for a week for whatever reason, and that's why there was secrecy about him not being at work, and he has no desire to explain the situation.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 41
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 10:26:18 AM
I still would like to have more information about the relationship before I give you an answer to your problem... OP, is there anyway you can write out the relationship story?

- Also, have you two gone on any day trips, weekend getaways, or vacations together yet?

- How would you describe his attitude?

- What problems does he have (and not all problems are deal-breakers, nobody is perfect)? Mental health? Health? Any vices such as drinking, smoking, drugs, or gambling? Relationships with ex's? Other?

I'll make a couple of points in the meantime:


I never met a one of his friends (family, yes, not friends).


- you should not meet friends and family for 6 months in a new relationship.




Now after rereading your posting history, in addition to the unexplained weeks vacation, there is the unavailable Saturdays.


- This is not Saturday guy. Saturday guy was 4.5 months ago, she's only been with this guy 3 months, unless my math is wrong.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 42
working at lying about getting off?
Posted: 10/29/2014 10:41:52 AM
ah, for the old days...when someone dumped yo'ass, you knew it wasn't b/c a bunch of strangers on the Internet told them to do so after hearing only one side of the story :)

Before I retired, if I took off an entire week SOMEONE would have noticed. And that would have caused consternation over a non-issue...ie...a "problem". As I prefer to solve problems by not letting them happen in the first place, I w0uld have not caused a problem over something not an issue, by not making it become an issue that would result in a problem. Hell, there's still sit-coms written about people not coming clean about being where they're expected to be.

However ,if I had a real annoying person in my life, for whom I was going on vacation in order to escape from, then yes...perhaps...I would have kept them in the dark. Telling or not telling, both would lead to problems, but the former wasn't a guaranteed problem,the latter was, so maybe it would be worth the gamble.

Were I you, i would have eyes peeled for other red flags. If someone's going to risk getting caught at something that isn't supposed to be a big deal...perhaps it IS a big deal. I would see if there is other evidence. many times, our gut feeling doesn't agree with our groin feeling.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 43
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 11:34:35 AM

His only response as to why he lied (by omission) is that he made a mistake and is sorry (no actual explanation).


Your approach seems to me very negative. You are calling him a lier, simply because he did not tell you that he was staying at home. Instead you should have asked if everything is okay? Is he having some stress from work, or from family or from whatever. Is the guy an extrovert or an introvert? By assuming the worse, instead you have turned this into some sort of situation, probably what he was trying to avoid all along. I personally could not date someone that would turn stuff like that into such drama. Instead you put him on the spot, and instead of learning what was going through his head, you simply managed to make him close down more and only tell you that he is sorry.

There's more to this story that meets the eye.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 44
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 11:55:27 AM

I figured it out on day 2 and he came clean.


- Okay, so you asked him about it on day two of his vacation and he told you the TRUTH. Where's the lie? Show me the money.



It was not a lie. If he had said he was working that week, that would have been dishonest. Openness and honesty are two different words for two different things, two different meanings. People should not lie in relationships. But he is under no obligation to share every little detail that goes on in his life... that's what counselors are for.

I appreciate that you are in love with this man, and I hope the relationship is a great one... but for best results, you need to learn to control yourself, and stop being so controlling of him. I would suggest not putting him through the wringer and testing him - nagging and chastising him based on your own neurotic fear will tend to make his love level for you drop. Knowing how to push men's buttons is not a good trait, in the least. If you continue with this line of behavior, you may push him away.

All that said, I am curious why he would not suggest a trip with you since he had a whole week off... but the OP is not being very forthcoming. Many couples, when in their honeymoon phase, like to take trips together, it's romantic. But maybe one or both of you don't like vacations. Maybe you do and he does not - that could be a legitimate grievance. That's a different issue though. He was honest.

And I have to tell you, I really resent the "all men are bad", and "all men are guilty" mentality presented by some in this thread - it's really a low-blow. What the heck, is she his mommy, should he check in with her every waking minute? Give me a break.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 45
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 12:12:33 PM
I'm only guessing, of course, but it sounds like he didn't want you to know he was home, off work, and probably isn't too happy to have to be explaining himself to you. No one is in love at three months, you are still pretty much unknown to each other, just getting to the part where you might or might not want to get a bit closer, spend more time together, etc., it's not love it's infatuation or growing annoyance at this point. Yes people can claim love and call it a relationship and usually it lasts for a short time then on to another, serial relationships that are really just early dating and moving on. But some people do love to call every encounter with someone, a relationship. To each his own labeling.

The fact seems to be, he did not want to tell you, he did not want you to ferret it out of him, and now you know and are obviously needing to vent. How is making this a big deal changing anything? For me personally, I would take the fact that he didn't want to spend this time with you as true, or maybe he was going to later as it seems you got this out of him on the second day, but this is where you are, he did not tell you and seems to have not wanted to tell you. So that's where you are, not a relationship at all, dating in the early stages is what you have and the guy isn't wanting daily contact other than a late evening message. I would calm down, pull back to where it really is and not think ahead of the reality, date him if you like him, and assume he's not committed or serious and really may be doing other things with his time that don't include you. If this doesn't work for you, then you should let it go, because that's all he's offering right now. Hunting out what he's up to then brow beating him is not going to make him be what you want.
 SunnyDazical
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 46
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 2:49:14 PM
Exclusive does not mean inclusive, in my opinion, you do not deserve a free view of his life, nor does he need to give you such.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 47
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 4:20:40 PM
This is difficult to be sure about. Mainly because so many details are coming out piecemeal, and because some of the details have only been referred to obliquely, in passing, or as a second-hand observation from another poster.

Here's what I'm reading:

* the guy in question has called for an exclusive relationship, and did so a while in the past, long before this particular incident.

* the guy in question has CONSISTENTLY been unwilling to communicate his actions, or the reasons for his actions, to the person he has called for an exclusive relationship with (this is in reference to "This must be the same guy who's never available Saturday nights but won't give you a reason.").

I have seen no entries indicating the Op is "possessive." Rather the opposite, actually. So far my own judgment is that the OP has gone along with and catered to a guy who makes unilateral demands of her, while requiring her to accept complete freedom of action on his part.

I'm reading a control freak male, and a woman eager to overlook this, in order to retain a self-image of a strong, decisive, and independent person. Coming here for advice on how to overlook this additional affront to building a relationship of equals, demonstrates a continued avoidance of responsibility, struggling against the semiconscious awareness of the budding dom-sub style relationship.

I suggest that the OP recognize consciously that she has so far accepted a subservient status with this man, so that she can in turn consciously decide whether she wants to continue in the same fashion or not. Given the males' behavior as described to date, there is no option to change the type of relationship, only a decision on whether to remain as established or not.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 48
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/29/2014 5:45:48 PM
Any way you slice it, it does seem like a rather odd thing to do. Now, I don't think that people should be obligated to tell everyone they know every detail of their life, announce it when they have a day or a week off, vacation plans, or even "staycation plans", but if someone is in a fairly solid dating involvement with a person, I'd think that having some extra time to spend with that person would be a boon...even if the extra time together was spent dealing with those tasks and projects that always seem to be getting ahead of us!
OTOH, I could understand how certain types of personality might NEED some time to "unconnect" and enjoy some quiet solitude.
Is it possible that the guy was concerned that revealing his "off work" status would lead to the OP trying to fill up that time FOR him?
Cindy O
 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 49
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:18:59 AM
I am overwhelmed with work. There was No chance of me taking up a minute of his vacation time.
I am trying to end it, and getting no where.
Thank you all for all your kind insight.
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 50
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 6:24:23 AM
I remembered the first time I took 2 weeks of vacation time off from work , after my divorce . As I sat there and a smile slowly spread across my face as I realized , I did not have to go any where or do any thing . Actually got to take a break form work with out some one else having every second of my time off planned for me . I bet many men feel that way .
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