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 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 51
Lying about being off from workPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
As do MANY women. Though we generally have to wait till our nest is empty as well :)

But I have really grown to love calling my own shots - even a weekend where I am not taking care of tasks for everyone else, such a luxury!!!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 52
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 7:26:05 AM
The only queestion you need to ask yourself OP is whether you are happy with the arrangement you have or not. He is a middle aged man and is happy with the situation, and ids not going to change.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 53
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:27:25 PM
Tatsinda...have you had a meaningful and non-accusatory discussion with this man regarding the week off?
It would be good to learn his feedback so additional insight can be shared. You mentioned perhaps ending things, too.
As mentioned earlier it could be something embarrassing...like a work suspension or painful...like a very ill parent.
 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 54
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:42:30 PM
You all came up with some very good explanations. There is no ex- wife (deceased), no children, deceased father and very healthy, active mother. And no work suspension. All valid reasons, nbut non appicable here.
I can't ask him anymore w/o being a pest. All I get is an apology with no explanation. I remain befuddled, and a little turned off by his dishonesty, especially in light of the fact he knows my enture schedule in detail.
He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.
At this point I am not too impressed.
Sorry to sound like a b*tch but I appreciate honesty and he just fell short.
Thank you for your continued support.
 Iam_RFSF2014
Joined: 9/4/2014
Msg: 55
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 12:47:07 PM

especially in light of the fact he knows my enture schedule in detail.
He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.


Why does he know your 'entire schedule'? Does he insist on knowing the details of your life.

How does someone effectively INSIST on continuing to see them if you want to end it? Is he threatening you to stay with him? Just pretending like you haven't told him you want to end things? Blowing up your phone/inbox?

This all sounds .... off.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 56
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 1:49:54 PM

He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.


In the end this is not his choice, it's yours. You're in charge of your own life. If you are not happy where this is going, simply end it. That means YOU end it. You don't need to ask him permission to end it. You just do.

If he asks why, simply tell him, that you're uncomfortable with his secrecy and quite frankly don't want to continue. No more explanation necessary. And end it. There's nothing for him to accept when you stop returning his calls and tell him not to come to your house. End of story.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 57
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 3:19:13 PM

He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.

^^^^^^^^^
Do tell, is he paying for your condo?
WTF is wrong with you?


Some people need a good old Mag flashlight or Louisville slugger "up-side" the head.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 58
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/30/2014 5:34:03 PM
Sorry to sound like a b*tch but I appreciate honesty and he just fell short.


For me, transparency is required once a couple is exclusive. You've been reasonable.

Until he gives your a full explanation, we're still speculating about him.

Maybe he lives a double life? Who knows?
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 59
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/31/2014 12:38:54 AM

You all came up with some very good explanations. There is no ex- wife (deceased), no children, deceased father and very healthy, active mother. And no work suspension. All valid reasons, nbut non appicable here.
I can't ask him anymore w/o being a pest. All I get is an apology with no explanation. I remain befuddled, and a little turned off by his dishonesty, especially in light of the fact he knows my enture schedule in detail.
He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.
At this point I am not too impressed.
Sorry to sound like a b*tch but I appreciate honesty and he just fell short.
Thank you for your continued support.


OP...

you can't ask him anymore; we can't respond to you any more than we have; so you are befuddled... turned off by dishonest (or lack of transparency)... and are not too impressed.

So why are you telling US this? What possible good can it do you to communicate your feelings to a room full of strangers? wouldn't the person best served to hear that be the man in question? You have three choices:

suffer in silence and keep venting in forums in spite of the fact you have already gotten responses based on his secretiveness...

communicate with him and let him know his secretiveness is making you uncomfortable, and asking if he's ok... or asking if this will continue while you are seeing him

end it with him; and find someone with a better matching communication style... no one is forcing you to stay with him; you are early on and he is already showing a pattern. If he's doing this now OP? He will only get worse. People try harder in the beginning.

This is what you can continue to expect. If you choose to stsay with him? Then you really can't complain about continuing to receive treatment you have said is not comfortable to you. Because you are STAYING in it.

Think carefully about what you want to surround yourself with. Would it not be better to find someone who is on the same page as you, than stress yourself out with someone who continues to shut you out though they know it makes you feel uncomfortable?
 JennaVS96
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 60
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/31/2014 4:31:09 AM
no , your not being overly dramatic . a guy doesn't hide free time for no reason , trust me .... if he really didn't tell you that he had time off... i would leave him ..plain and simple ... if your actually in-love someone , you share everything detail of your life with them . not because you have too , but because you want to . it's clear he's a cheater and still looking for the girl of '' his dreams '' ... this is the problem with most guys but not all ... plus i think you already have your answer .. if your brain was offended by his lie then your brain is pretty smart . always go with your gut .cut him lose and on to the next !
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 61
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 10/31/2014 1:38:36 PM

He insists I continue to see him and is not accepting ending things.


It's not his choice. Quit talking to Mr Secrecy. I quite understand being a private person, but based on what you write this gives off a creepy vibe. Unless it's something I'd be ashamed of I'm pretty much an open book.
 wooweewoo13
Joined: 7/7/2013
Msg: 62
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/1/2014 2:57:46 AM
Must be an issue of some sorts......as adults I would think talkings in order.....good luck!
 Tatsinda
Joined: 9/19/2008
Msg: 63
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/2/2014 8:25:46 PM
Thank you, you've all been great. I still can't get an answer out of him. I don't have the heart to end things since he's been very apologetic, is trying to " make up for it" ( by calling and seeing me more, which is soooooo not what I want) and promising not to do it again. I just can't be that heartless! It's the not knowing that is torture. I guess I'll never know ( but your guesses are still very welcome!!).
Actually, JennaVS96 said it best. Amazing, the youngest one here may just have nailed it. (Not that he'll admt to it).
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 64
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/2/2014 9:17:48 PM
Have the heart to treat yourself better. Look for a guy who is open and honest with you.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 65
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/2/2014 11:41:24 PM
It's not amazing that the 'youngest one' got it, it's that she said what you wanted to hear.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 66
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/3/2014 7:12:19 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ HAHA aint that the truth...

I think this one is from an episode of RHONJ for crying out loud, likes the drama, validates her in some way..
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 67
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/3/2014 12:44:24 PM
Silent_Ink Wrote:

I do not think you are overreacting whatsoever, and if you are upset do not let anyone tell you you have no right to be. These are your feelings and you have every damn right to second guess this man after this. Some people have a tendency to jump to the worst scenario , and quite honestly if someone I have been seeing exclusively failed to "mention"he is taking a week off my mind would start wandering as well whether he just took a week off and didn't want to see me or perhaps he took a week off and failed to mention it so he can spend it with someone else.


Page 2.

Just wanted to point that out, you know, before you gave the wrong person credit for giving the "right" answer.
Oh, snap, you already gave credit to someone else...who...wrote the same thing...but it's on page 3.

Well, anyway, what's the prize for guessing the right answer? The internet? I'd like to win the internet.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 68
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/4/2014 10:29:52 AM

I don't have the heart to end things since he's been very apologetic, is trying to " make up for it" ( by calling and seeing me more, which is soooooo not what I want) and promising not to do it again. I just can't be that heartless! It's the not knowing that is torture. I guess I'll never know ( but your guesses are still very welcome!!).


You sound like the type of people that prefer to live through pain avoidance than through happiness. Yet in the process it makes you heartless. Why continue to be in a blazze relationship where you are not happy at all? Why? You're not doing him a favor since you're misleading him. You are not doing yourself a favor since you are not happy at all with what is going ton.

End it. Move on. Or embrace the gray zone of emotional ambivalence never out of your comfort zone.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 69
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/4/2014 10:55:21 PM

I still can't get an answer out of him. I don't have the heart to end things since he's been very apologetic, is trying to " make up for it" ( by calling and seeing me more, which is soooooo not what I want) and promising not to do it again. I just can't be that heartless! It's the not knowing that is torture. I guess I'll never know.


I stuck with my liar too - until it hurt too much. Can't blame him after I let him treat me this way.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 5/3/2014
Msg: 70
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/5/2014 12:09:23 AM

I don't have the heart to end things since he's been very apologetic, is trying to " make up for it" ( by calling and seeing me more, which is soooooo not what I want) and promising not to do it again. I just can't be that heartless! It's the not knowing that is torture. I guess I'll never know ( but your guesses are still very welcome!!).


OP,

what guesses have you come across that are ANY different from each other? It seems everyone is saying the same thing.

If you are with someone out of guilt? That is not the right reason to be with someone. If a person kept hitting you on the head with a baseball bat; you said it hurt you and don't do it, they said ok, sorry, they won't do it again


only to do it again? And again? And again? Would you be heartless to walk away from the baseball bat, even if they had a tearfully heartfelt apology?

No. Because the alternative to walking away is to put you rhead in the line of fire to continued bats, which he has proved he WILL swing again (metaphorically).

Emotional pain is no more fun than physical pain. And you have EVERY right to walk away from future inflicted emotional discomfort when a person has shown they will not STOP hurting or devaluing you.

Walking away does not make you heartless. It makes you wise. Your heart deserves to be kept for someone who values it. Not one who keeps repeating the same pattern you have SAID you ahve issues with, repeatedly, in spite of promising repeatedly not to.

If you choose to stay? Don't ask what to do. EVERYONE has already told you waht to do. If you don't do it; you are choosing to hand him the bat and telling him to swing away.

Not easy walking away. But you will feel better once you disengage. If you don't? Don't ask for advise you have no intention of following, ya know?

best of luck.
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 71
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/14/2014 10:26:23 AM
Did he actually lie -or just not tell you? (haven't read all posts)

Also -what type of work does he do? Perhaps he was just worn out or has been under stress. He may have actually needed a rest and thought that if you knew, you'd expect to spend that time with him -even if that was not actually the case. After only three months, he shouldn't feel the need to answer to you on every point. Even in a long-term committed relationship, sometimes you have do do what you have to do -and should not feel pressured to share every last detail -especially if that would hinder you from getting what you need because the other would not be very understanding (as long as you are not doing something which would hurt the other or the relationship).
For example -if he felt he needed to rest to avoid burnout -and told you -and also said he didn't want to spend that time with you -you might be understanding, but you might not -which might mean more stress and no rest.

People have individual needs even when in a relationship -and it's not always easy to have them met without it seeming that they are being distant -acting funny, etc.

The more understanding you are (assuming he is not playing you or otherwise disrespecting you), the more likely he is to open up to you. The more you freak out -especially in the beginning, the less likely he is to open up to you -and the more likely he'll be to realize he doesn't want every second of his life scrutinized.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 72
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/14/2014 1:52:06 PM
I am with bellevintage,

I think at the heart of your concerns is that he was and is seeing someone else. He is entitled to do what he likes with his time and he didn't want to spend that period with you, for whatever reason. It is only a new relationship and you are being way too possessive and paranoid. If you feel you cant trust him, listen to your gut instinct and follow that. You have put him in a position where he feels he has to apologise and he will resent that on some level.
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 73
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Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/15/2014 7:45:30 AM
You need to find someone else's pinball machines to relax on. Heck I tell my friends if I found a good restaurant, I'm looking at cars, the weather sucks or if I'm taking a week off from work. The only reason I don't tell them something is if I don't want them to know because I don't want to be with them but then that makes them "not my friends."
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 74
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/16/2014 6:40:17 AM
while I didn't read the entire post......if he is lying about being off from work......what else is he lying about ?????
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 75
Lying about being off from work
Posted: 11/16/2014 8:16:40 AM
You can also tell your friends to give you space without having to explain why -not always easy with a "relationship".
It also depends on the sort of relationship they had at the time. I say lighten up and save the espionage for when you're married. He didn't actually lie. There's no rule that says he is accountable to you after three months. He didn't cheat.
What's the problem?


I probably would have felt insecure at one point in my life -and that still wouldn't mean I was in the right -but these days -if I was concerned -I'd probably just ask. Oh, Did you need some space? Yah? Interested in someone else or disinterested in me? No? -OK

All you can do is see how things develop -but freaking out too much will affect how things develop. Pressure crushes relationships and squeezes people out of them.
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