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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > Women in their 30's not having time for men      Home login  
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 blueguy99881
Joined: 11/23/2014
Msg: 51
Women in their 30's not having time for menPage 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
My beliefs are that women do have for men that are models with cash. The modern day woman is much more superficial and materialistic. All part of my studies. Btw I hopw I get into Baylor med school.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 52
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 11/30/2014 12:57:42 PM

Its because, with the great recession, more and more women are the breadwinners in the family(even though there is STILL a wage gap).

Not sure it's the recession so much as the natural pendulum swing.

What I noticed (in my life and in media) is that women are becoming more like men and men more like women, as more women become more powerful in the workplace. Men are becoming portrayed more as the sensitive one (in touch with their feelings), saying "I love u" first, doing much more domestically around the house (Though not nearly as much) and taking care of the kids as more moms are out there taking care of the family financially.

I guess I have to question the phrase "like a man" or "like a woman" - I'm not a fan of gender roles though. I believe that each couple does things in their relationship in a way that suits them most personally. If a woman likes to fix cars it makes her no less a woman, if a man irons it makes him no less a man. But that's just me.

I think that mid 19th century society pushed those roles as "normal" and there are some who still believe those roles should exist.
 travelingmkey
Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 53
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/7/2014 3:26:32 PM
Maybe it's cause women like any other human beings develop habits and they like keeping their habits. Most people like a coffee in the morning, imagine if that was interrupted so they can't have their coffee in the morning. How cranky would most people be?

If I was dating someone and I wasn't able to do what I love, then I would be a little miserable. I'm sure that would apply to women as well.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 54
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/7/2014 6:12:28 PM
I know what you mean OP.

I remember in my late teens to early 20's 2 people would meet each other, hit it off and be an item, spending most of their free time with each other. cant use family and friends as a reason why this stops happening in our late 20's and 30's, in our teens and 20's is when we have our largest social groups in our youth we would just all hang out together.

It seems we (especially women) have been taught for years that our romantic relationships should have the lowest priority.
This is sad, because my best memories come from romantic relationships, but they are also the source of my most traumatic.

I hate to think my friends are right, that the best option is to just look for booty call's and FWB's, that seems empty to me, but they have a point, if one does not have time another will. I personally dont want to go that route but I am starting to understand why so many do.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 55
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 5:19:16 AM
I have a couple friends who put most of their life on a shelf for their relationship - when it ended they had to start over with friends, hobbies, appreciating their alone time, etc etc. It's not worth it to let it all go and revolve around someone else - and it's not healthy.

But like most topics here it's about balance. While living for your relationship and nothing else is unhealthy for you, putting a relationship last isn't the answer either. Moderation is a good practice for most situations.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 56
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 9:58:22 AM

I have one friend who was married for 10 years - she met her husband and when they started dating she stopped a lot of her personal schedule to spend time with him - over time she lost touch with friends and fell out of habit with hobbies. She got divorced and realized most of her schedule was based on him.

She swore never to put her stuff aside like that again if she ended up in another relationship. I suspect a lot of women have done the same and learned the hard way as they got older it wasn't the healthiest thing to do. While I am sure many women naturally begin to adjust their schedule for someone who they are getting serious with and are happy to do it - they will likely be offput by someone who is demanding it and dig their heels in (or decide it's not for them and end it).


I'm guilty of having done something similar. I had very little time in between jobs and going to school, so all my remaining time was usually spent with my then boyfriend. Even he thought it was strange when I went out with a friend and at times alluded to the fact that I was putting other people ahead of him. When it ended, I was so out of touch with people and that's when I started socializing and spending time with existing friends as well as building new friendships.

I don't think I'll be doing that sh*t again, yes, a man has to accommodate to my schedule because I'm not dropping anything for him. I may make some adjustments in time, but I'm not making any immediately. When someone enters your life, they are addition to your life, not a subtraction of everything else.

When I explain all I do for a living, they automatically assume that what's keeping me single is my inability to make time for a relationship. No, I have plenty of time to myself, I don't work hard, I work smart, but I enjoy doing things for myself (spas, pedicures, reading, visiting new places, etc) and spending time with my friends. I can easily see someone 3 times a week at max in addition to my friends and my work, and everything else.

I try not to get people used to what I cannot maintain. If I get someone in the rhythm of 3 times a week and then I happen to not be able to see them for one week, or cut down to 2 times a week because of any schedule change, he's going to start questioning why I've chosen to see him less, and assume there is a problem. So I keep it at once a week because that's easy to accommodate and then you can accommodate a day or two more every once in a while until you figure it out. Same with communication, I need days in between, I can't do daily communication, that's just too much and what the heck people need to talk every day for? So I don't get people used to daily communication so they don't perceive something being wrong if I don't communicate one day.

So was it that happened in the world?
Women realized they don't have to live in function of a man, they can have their own lives, and that's exactly what they are doing.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 57
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 2:10:49 PM

o I keep it at once a week because that's easy to accommodate and then you can accommodate a day or two more every once in a while until you figure it out. Same with communication, I need days in between, I can't do daily communication, that's just too much and what the heck people need to talk every day for?



Women realized they don't have to live in function of a man, they can have their own lives, and that's exactly what they are doing.


Perhaps this is more common with 30 something women, but women that want a long term relationship, instead of just dating, tend to spend more time with their guy. If all I did was see a woman, once a week, she would not be the only one.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 58
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 5:16:36 PM
IG,

There is no reason to see someone more than once a week until a relationship in on the horizon. In time, you will naturally spend more time together, but while you're starting, no need for more than once a week.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 59
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 5:24:36 PM
^^ Totally agree. Once a week at the start is plenty for me, if he pushes for more? I start feeling annoyed and suffocated. It kills whatever positive feeling I may have had.

But hey, there are plenty of women out there who like tons of togetherness right from the start, if they have kids they'll invite you right into their life (when Tom just barely left it) and allow you to make rules for their kids and such. So yeah, if that's what you're into, they're definitely out there!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 60
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 5:39:50 PM

Totally agree. Once a week at the start is plenty for me, if he pushes for more? I start feeling annoyed and suffocated. It kills whatever positive feeling I may have had.

Yep, same here...
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 61
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 6:13:13 PM
Msg. 62:
Once a week at the start is plenty for me, if he pushes for more? I start feeling annoyed and suffocated. It kills whatever positive feeling I may have had.


I agree with this, too. What’s the rush?

Msg. 60:
If all I did was see a woman, once a week, she would not be the only one.


Then play fair and let her know she’s not the only one.

IMO a man who can’t control himself for once a week (ish) dating when first starting out, is too immature and self-centered for me. I’m not into babysitting a man. Also I wouldn’t appreciate the veiled threat, there.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 62
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 10:00:31 PM

IMO a man who can’t control himself for once a week (ish) dating when first starting out, is too immature and self-centered for me.
It's a great way to see who you're dealing with! Not that it's a ploy, but just by stating when you're available and not falling all over yourself to talk/spend time, a man really shows his colors.

I normally attract guys who seem to want to glom all onto me right away, it seriously feels like they're trying to inhale me whole and I cannot handle it. They act like that even after I've made myself clear about how I am with needing alone time and such. Then it's always the same, I feel guilty for not being able to provide what they seem to need and cut things off because I'm sick of explaining myself.

Tbh that's why I have had a tendency to get caught up with guys who are more emotionally unavailable, because finding someone in the middle ground seems like an urban legend, lol.
 blueguy99881
Joined: 11/23/2014
Msg: 63
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/9/2014 10:24:01 PM
Rushing into things is a bad idea. Still want to have that mystery once you begin dating. That said, dating does not mean you are committed to one person. Go and meet others, what do you have to lose? Don't let anything hold you back.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 64
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/10/2014 7:54:21 AM

IG,

There is no reason to see someone more than once a week until a relationship in on the horizon. In time, you will naturally spend more time together, but while you're starting, no need for more than once a week.



^^ Totally agree. Once a week at the start is plenty for me, if he pushes for more? I start feeling annoyed and suffocated. It kills whatever positive feeling I may have had.


Different strokes for different folks. I can understand how you ladies feel about this. If I started dating and for the first three months we are doing only once a week, more than likely is not going to improve. I say that from experience. And I say that ME not being the one that wanted more meetings. There was a time when I was happy with once a week, but again, there were several once a week, and they were well aware that I was dating other people. None of the once a week EVER became exclusive. The ones that became exclusive and a RELATIONSHIP pushed for at least three get togethers a week.

So, there's nothing wrong with your timing or level of intimacy, but it would have not worked for me. If I don't see more interest from the woman, I move on.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 65
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 5:20:02 AM
Wow it seems there is no hope of finding love these days.
traditionally the beginning stages of a relationship are the best part and it tends to go downhill from there and for the lucky few the downward slide is small and almost unnoticeable. But if a relationship STARTS OFF barely seeing or spending time together then you are already at the bottom so once the newness wears off, the relationship is doomed, because there is no momentum.

Basically this mentality robs a relationship of the best part. The whole butterflies in the stomach, hanging out with, enjoying life with, humping like bunnies, cant wait to get off work to be together part of the relationship. You know? the part of the relationship that builds the passion and momentum. You know part you tell stories about to other couples that make them feel bad about their crappy relationships.......
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 66
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 6:46:37 AM
^^^^^

We are talking about dating, not being in a relationship. When a relationship is agreed upon, then more time is spent naturally. You're not in a relationship from the moment you meet for the first time, so I'm not understanding why so much time needs to be spent with a stranger , that just leads to over emotional investment and not objectively judging the situation for what it really is. No one Wants to feel suffocated from a very beginning.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 67
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 7:31:47 AM

Different strokes for different folks. I can understand how you ladies feel about this. If I started dating and for the first three months we are doing only once a week, more than likely is not going to improve. I say that from experience.

In the first month or so it's extremely new - so once a week isn't really a big deal as both are pretty much in the early stage.

And I say that ME not being the one that wanted more meetings. There was a time when I was happy with once a week, but again, there were several once a week, and they were well aware that I was dating other people. None of the once a week EVER became exclusive. The ones that became exclusive and a RELATIONSHIP pushed for at least three get togethers a week.

Right out of the gate? Yikes.

So, there's nothing wrong with your timing or level of intimacy, but it would have not worked for me. If I don't see more interest from the woman, I move on.

The misconception here is that someone who wants to see you more often in a week has more interest. It's possible to have a lot of interest but not a lot of free time. A woman who has a lot of time on her hands and wants to spend more time with you may just be more bored, not more interested.

Wow it seems there is no hope of finding love these days.

That was a bit overdramatic.

Traditionally the beginning stages of a relationship are the best part and it tends to go downhill from there and for the lucky few the downward slide is small and almost unnoticeable. But if a relationship STARTS OFF barely seeing or spending time together then you are already at the bottom so once the newness wears off, the relationship is doomed, because there is no momentum.

Before you decide this is the person for you and carve out more time in your schedule it's not uncommon to hang out once or twice a week to start. As a matter of fact I have heard quite a few guys I know complain that the girl they just met wants to hang out too often - is it just a problem when women want it but if men do and don't get it then she's not interested enough? Or are the men who are posting here just clingier than the average guy?

Basically this mentality robs a relationship of the best part. The whole butterflies in the stomach, hanging out with, enjoying life with, humping like bunnies, cant wait to get off work to be together part of the relationship. You know? the part of the relationship that builds the passion and momentum. You know part you tell stories about to other couples that make them feel bad about their crappy relationships.......

That part still happens but not in the first couple weeks - good Lord. That's way too much too fast. Once you're together a month or two you can do all that. Unless someone is in about to be deployed or is dying or something then I guess you can have the whole relationship in the first week...
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 68
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 7:38:44 AM

We are talking about dating, not being in a relationship. When a relationship is agreed upon, then more time is spent naturally. You're not in a relationship from the moment you meet for the first time, so I'm not understanding why so much time needs to be spent with a stranger , that just leads to over emotional investment and not objectively judging the situation for what it really is. No one Wants to feel suffocated from a very beginning.


well if I meet someone and it leads to wanting to see more of that person then they are no longer a stranger.
if we are dating we are in a form of relationship. a stranger is someone you have never seen before.

Also you spend a lot of time with someone you are dating to get to know that person. the less time spent with them the longer it takes to know whether they are or are not a good match.
I miss the old days when you met someone hit it off and were an item until you weren't or you did not hit it off and you kept on stepping. people make it harder than it should be.
You start off too slow there is no passion, that kills things before they can start. a hum drum relationship is not a good place to start, even in the "we are talking" stage. it should start off with passion and intensity from day one. its sad that so many people feel that from day one but choose not to act on it because they want to artificially impose stages to go through.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 69
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 8:20:42 AM
well if I meet someone and it leads to wanting to see more of that person then they are no longer a stranger.

Until you actually know them, really know them and see them over time, they are a stranger. Wanting to know someone has little to do with frequency and more to do with the quality of time spent together.


if we are dating we are in a form of relationship. a stranger is someone you have never seen before.

No, a relationship is something that happens after some time of getting to know each other, not a given from a very beginning. That's like going to race with blinders, you're too focused on the result and not the process. All throughout dating, you are trying to see how that person fits into your life and future, not just deciding that attractiveness alone will do (which I often suspect is it for men).


Also you spend a lot of time with someone you are dating to get to know that person. the less time spent with them the longer it takes to know whether they are or are not a good match.


No, you're looking to get wrapped up in the moment and go straight to honeymoon-ville, I'm looking to assess while getting to know him, if he will be, can be, has potential to be a good partner for me in various contexts (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual), it's an ongoing process. I don't feel like like I have attach to someone like a leech and start s*cking blood before I know the blood is in my best interest. The problem is that the rush and momentum of it all, has a way of skewing emotions and fast forwarding, often spiraling out of control, and what you didn't take time to learn in the beginning will end up breaking it off at the end.


I miss the old days when you met someone hit it off and were an item until you weren't or you did not hit it off and you kept on stepping. people make it harder than it should be.

That sounds like high school, where you haven't defined who you are, what you want, and what's in your best interest. You had nothing to lose and just liking someone would suffice. Nowadays women have careers in adulthood, a life they've been living, and choices they wish to keep. There is more at stake and therefore more to consider when dating someone.


You start off too slow there is no passion, that kills things before they can start. a hum drum relationship is not a good place to start, even in the "we are talking" stage. it should start off with passion and intensity from day one. its sad that so many people feel that from day one but choose not to act on it because they want to artificially impose stages to go through.

Typical, men thinking about "passion" while women are thinking with their brains......I see where you're heading with the whole wanting to spend "a lot" of time with her. Women are not usually sex driven so it's the other parts of him that will keep us interested.
 jrb1979
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 70
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 8:32:18 AM
I miss those days too. The last couple of girlfriends I had, after the first date they would ask if we could hangout the next day. Now it seems it doesn't happen much anymore. The last couple of girls I went out with, were really interested in me but only wanted to go out once a week as they were too busy. They would message me and call me all week saying they were looking forward to seeing me.

It seems men and women don't really want to invest time into relationships as they used to. Its become a me first society now. I think that is why a lot of relationships don't work anymore.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 71
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 8:51:48 AM

The misconception here is that someone who wants to see you more often in a week has more interest. It's possible to have a lot of interest but not a lot of free time. A woman who has a lot of time on her hands and wants to spend more time with you may just be more bored, not more interested.


In my book, you MAKE the time. If you cannot make the time, then it was not the right time for a relationship or the right person. The longer the sense of discover took place, the less interest in the end that I found. Again, there's no right or wrong. I am intense. I am rather passionate. The women that dug me, were willing to trust their inner voice and jump. It was part of that process of finding whether we were compatible or not.

If she had to think too much about making that decision, by then I was gone.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 72
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 9:38:30 AM

Until you actually know them, really know them and see them over time, they are a stranger. Wanting to know someone has little to do with frequency and more to do with the quality of time spent together.


I feel its both.


No, a relationship is something that happens after some time of getting to know each other, not a given from a very beginning. That's like going to race with blinders, you're too focused on the result and not the process. All throughout dating, you are trying to see how that person fits into your life and future, not just deciding that attractiveness alone will do (which I often suspect is it for men).


Wow that kinda sucks the passion out of the room...... wake me up when we get to the good part.
Attraction is all you need, but that is not the same as being hung up on her looks, at least not for me. its a question of, do I enjoy my time with her, do we like the same things or at least a good number of the same things, does her personality complement mine, can we hold a conversation about a wide range of topics? can I live with her annoying habits (we all have them) can she live with mine? These are all things you only learn through immersing yourself into the situation and having plenty of one on one time.



No, you're looking to get wrapped up in the moment and go straight to honeymoon-ville, I'm looking to assess while getting to know him, if he will be, can be, has potential to be a good partner for me in various contexts (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual), it's an ongoing process. I don't feel like like I have attach to someone like a leech and start s*cking blood before I know the blood is in my best interest.


I guess we all learn in different ways, for me the only way to understand something is to go balls deep into it, I have much knowledge in many things because if I get an interest in something I analyze is every way I possibly can, on the other hand if I dont really have an interest in something I just learn the cliff notes version of it.


The problem is that the rush and momentum of it all, has a way of skewing emotions and fast forwarding, often spiraling out of control, and what you didn't take time to learn in the beginning will end up breaking it off at the end.



And again that learning takes time spent with each other. and that passion and momentum is actually more pure and honest than some artificially constructed version of a relationship. I cannot build passion once it has been stamped out. it starts early and grows, if the object of my affections buts the breaks on it, it is hard to get it going again later. but if it is mutual from day one it will last for ever unless one party in the relationship allows outside factors to interfere or ruin things.



That sounds like high school, where you haven't defined who you are, what you want, and what's in your best interest. You had nothing to lose and just liking someone would suffice. Nowadays women have careers in adulthood, a life they've been living, and choices they wish to keep. There is more at stake and therefore more to consider when dating someone.



Sounds like said women have no place in their lives for a relationship, at best they will end up with a playa who allows them the time to focus on all those other things while he is busy with other women, at worst they will end up with a guy that really loves them who she will neglect because he is the least important part of her life.


Typical, men thinking about "passion" while women are thinking with their brains......I see where you're heading with the whole wanting to spend "a lot" of time with her. Women are not usually sex driven so it's the other parts of him that will keep us interested.


Sex is a beautiful thing, I love it, I feel at peace during and after, and an ideal relationship would have plenty of it. That being said sex alone can not and should not be the sole motivation in pursuing a relationship. if all I wanted was sex I could just go after married women, single welfare moms, or visit the nearest homeless shelter. Hell if sex ws the only thing I wanted I could show up at any bar during last call and buy the drunkest barfly there her last 2 drinks of the night.
No ma'am I want a partner someone who enjoys spending time with me, who 40 years from now I will be chasing around the kitchen table with my walker. who I can talk to for hours, where there was an instant attraction from the start, and every morning neither of us cant imagine waking up next to anyone else.
your brains are not equipped to find such a mate, but your heart is much more up to the job.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 73
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 9:49:46 AM

Sounds like said women have no place in their lives for a relationship, at best they will end up with a playa who allows them the time to focus on all those other things while he is busy with other women, at worst they will end up with a guy that really loves them who she will neglect because he is the least important part of her life.
I suppose in a way that is true. Back when I had a ton going on in my life, I really didn't have the time. But I also didn't pretend that I did, I was straight about it and knew that I couldn't fully devote myself to a relationship. It left me in a catch-22 situation, because I am not a casual dater. I am more of an all or nothing person, so for years I leaned toward the nothing.

Either that, or I got caught up with emotionally unavailable men (just one really), like I mentioned before.

I'm practically empty nesting now though, and more settled in my career, so things are opening up. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with that yet, lol.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 74
Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 10:06:04 AM
This is certainly a gender-neutral topic. It impacts men and women equally.
The good news is if one feels he or she is getting insufficient time and attention from a new partner, it is easy to move on.

No need for an exhausting explanation, just try to find assorted ways to spend more time together doing fun activities.
If finding that time is as difficult as pulling teeth, simply wish him or her good luck and seek someone on the same page.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 75
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Women in their 30's not having time for men
Posted: 12/22/2014 10:18:47 AM

I suppose in a way that is true. Back when I had a ton going on in my life, I really didn't have the time. But I also didn't pretend that I did, I was straight about it and knew that I couldn't fully devote myself to a relationship. It left me in a catch-22 situation, because I am not a casual dater. I am more of an all or nothing person, so for years I leaned toward the nothing.

Either that, or I got caught up with emotionally unavailable men (just one really), like I mentioned before.

I'm practically empty nesting now though, and more settled in my career, so things are opening up. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with that yet, lol.


One of the best girlfriends I ever had was an empty nester.
I met her exactly 3 weeks after her youngest moved off to college and 1 year after her divorce, and her ex got all the friends in the divorce. she was a soccer/football/basketball, mom who was real close to her kids so all the attention that went to her 3 sons got transferred to me, the only thing that broke us up was her job moved her out of town 5 months into our relationship and the long distance thing got to me.
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