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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > need help with attraction issue      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 25
need help with attraction issuePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
hey pank, see my note to Dee. I already got the book on order from amazon.

I am having a hard time finding the 'unhide' for my profile, I am a little flustered this morning as sleep is still bad. Keep trying girls, love to hear from you!

That might be the 1933 version for $4.00. I have no idea what they put in the 2010 one but I'll see soon. Dec 1 shipping date.

[Edit: found it!}
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 26
view profile
History
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 8:15:03 AM
nope, not working, am getting the same message....may be I'll see if I can find someone older...but I'm seeing we're off by one year here!! Ridiculous restriction...annoying as hell...lol
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 27
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 9:02:08 AM
Another poster clued me into this. It never comes out and mentions the age thing when you can't msg. but I think it is the only reason right now. I have zero restrictions and I am waiting for the Nigerians. You could possibly msg Jerry from Profile Reviews (he is such a sweetheart!), he can contact me. He is the one who helped me before. (And I hope I don't get in trouble for mentioning him by name)

To keep this on topic, I am now looking to find out if there are any who have successfully dealt with their 'issues' of attraction without resorting to therapy? I mentioned that in a previous message. Do we ever get better at things or is the only recourse 'giving up'? I gave up before and it did squat as far as solving the problem, it just postponed my dealing with it.

Even if no one else contributes, I have gotten excellent insight and a plan of attack. I am so grateful to all of you!
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 28
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 11:11:21 AM
Keep it local, keep it light and take it slow! Enjoy the feelings, but express them cautiously. Think about the situation to avoid setting yourself up for a negative situation.
Enjoy what is happening -don't worry about what might happen.

The men you meet might be sensing your anxiety about dealing with strong emotions again.
They are just people you are going to spend time getting to know -forget the rest.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 29
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 11:48:45 AM

Does anyone ever wonder what causes their particular attraction to a person?


I know exactly what causes my particular attraction to a particular person, either physical or mental, and conversely, a lack thereof, if that is the case.


I see people mentioning 'broken pickers'. How do you fix them?


First, figure out why you think it is broken.
Picking the wrong men?
What's "wrong" with them?
What criteria do you use to pick them?
What do you admire and desire in a mate?
Are you swayed by the less important aspects, to the neglect of the red flags?
Do you get carried away concentrating only on the positives, while ignoring the negatives?
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 30
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 1:41:06 PM
I think you picked this guy who is too far away to meet so you could just have a safe fantasy about him without real life intruding and the fact that he doesn't answer your questions, shows no real interest in meeting, only fuels your infatuation. Loneliness can be a real trap and I would suggest you develop hobbies or interests outside of cyberspace if you haven't already and by the way, there is no guarantee that any of us will not die alone nor is there any protection against the chance of rejection and having to reject, and that is the risk you take especially with online dating.

Next time try to find someone who lives within a reasonable distance, is interested in you and your life, wants to meet within two weeks, talk on the phone etc. If you are serious about a real life relationship.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 31
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 3:01:45 PM
FMG,

I figured out why this particular guy and many others in my past and I do not like what it says about me. Or lets say I am uncomfortable with what I see in me and how I think it got there. Something about what Igor said flipped a light on, about who we get attracted to. I knew the 'who' but never got a handle on the real 'why'. All I can say is it has something to do with my dad and my family life and maybe the era in which I grew up. I tried to answer your questions for myself and I couldn't, my mind wants to scream "I don't KNOW!" and then says screw it, it's too hard to figure out. I'll just give up again and save myself the trouble. Some are not meant to be coupled up, right? No rule says I have to.

I don't want to say more, mainly what I think I would say will have me climbing up into the safety of my intellect and staying there, safe from the ickyness of feeling. And on this site, profiles and history are forever.

Petula, I wanted to scream at you and say you got it all wrong and you did get some of it wrong but not all. Maybe I did seek out a fantasy. Just because I don't think I did doesn't make it true. I think I have read too much psychology, have always been trying to fix myself in one way or another.

Thank you both for your comments.

And:


Next time try to find someone who lives within a reasonable distance, is interested in you and your life, wants to meet within two weeks, talk on the phone etc. If you are serious about a real life relationship.


Sounds like an excellent idea to me.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 32
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need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 3:52:19 PM
OP: It's good to hear that you are on the mend from this terrible accident and the drug dependency that goes along with it. You are quiet right, some of these medications stay in your system for a very long time.

Let me take a guess at what might be at the heart of why you have this relational pattern -

- when you were a young girl you were hardwired to be trusting and loving, however your father (and perhaps your mother) were not able to fully accept or reciprocate that love. This pained you and made you feel unsafe with both your need (desire) for love so, when you were first married you did not have a mature notion of how love or relationships worked. In fact, it's possible your husband may have been someone who also did not know how to receive or reciprocate this love (re-enactment). This was so confusing and painful for you, that you shut down for most of the last 25 years. I wonder if the self-care and advocacy you've done over the last few years awakened in you a little spark... the spark of hope that maybe you will find the balance you crave. And to that end...perhaps a meaningful relationship. Now what we have is a conflict between your heart and your mind....your mind is doing all the right things going on-line etc. but your heart is scared...so you have a way out...you develop feelings for someone...far away...but when the possibility of meeting comes closer you panic, shut-down and close it all down.

Before I go on...does any of this resonate for you?
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 33
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 4:09:37 PM
ah, bingo?

Sh!t, now what do I do? The 'rents did a number on me, that is true. Years of psychotherapy? I have had all these insights before. I need to know how to break the pattern.

Thank you.

BTW, how did you know? Your story too?
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 34
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need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 4:35:25 PM
Hi OP:

No this is not my story. I am familiar with this pattern. Find a good therapist who has an 'attachment' theory approach to treatment. S/he should be able to help you see the link between your need (genuine unconditionally love) and your fear (unreciprocated affection, feeling 'too much', fear of rejection, or even simple disinterest from the other person), then you want to make a clear list of what these negative traits look like in a person ie. coldness, insensitivity etc. then make a list of what you feel would be the traits you would want in someone (unconditional acceptance, kindness, thoughtfulness) then you want to find someone -local - THEN you do the hard work of managing your anxiety and negative beliefs as the relationship unfolds. You have the analysis of the situation, the therapist is going to give you the tools for navigating this part of the work.

a couple of things:

I suspect that this out of town guy , probably has a lot of these positive qualities - you can see that - I think your fragile heart - surrendered to the strain of anticipating some form of disappointment so you bailed. Your picker isn't bad...your heart/soul is vulnerable....

secondly, I'm assuming that you understood that the out of town guy - who frequents the forums - may see this thread.
I suspect that you are a genuinely kind and thoughtful person and you feel horrible about how this situation has unfolded. I don't know where things are at with this guy, but I think you deserve some relief from the strain - tell him directly (e-mail) how you are feeling.

If you could get through the ordeal of the accident and the trauma of the medication I suspect with some support you will find your way towards the type of relationship you were hardwired to have!
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 35
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 5:21:12 PM
So now I know what kind of a therapist to find and I hope I can.

I don't know why the guy keeps communicating with me but I did tell him that I would not initiate conversations, he could contact me if he wanted and I would answer him. I felt that was the least I could do and I feel very uncomfortable about what has happened.

I refuse to tell him how I am feeling, this is my problem not his. And I refuse to ask him any more questions. I have repeatedly told him I am sure I am not his type. I wish he would meet someone and then I'll be off the hook. I am grateful for the distance, believe me. I have told him to block me and I think if I just lay low he will stop writing me. I will probably have to block him too, eventually.

I have to disagree with you about my picker - looks like it was trying all these years to get me to see what I was doing.

Thank you very much.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 36
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need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 5:26:59 PM

I have to disagree with you about my picker - looks like it was trying all these years to get me to see what I was doing.


Sorry, perhaps I misread the situation. I had the impression the POF guy was a 'good guy"...but far away. Are you saying that he actually has the negative parental traits?
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 37
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 5:35:10 PM
I am not sure. I think he is a good guy but nothing is sure, all I have are emails and 2 phone calls. I meant I picked 'unavailability' again. Never in all these years did I see why, I just knew I was doing it.

I can't know if he has the negative traits. Can't see him, don't know how he acts in person. I do not want to meet him. Definitely not, not the way I feel. I am bailing big time. I experienced my last local meet as a real rejection. The guy talked for 2 hours and never once asked me anything about me. I have had 3 meets, no second dates. Feeling a bit raw at the moment recalling all this.

The only method I have of dealing with this is either experience it or avoid it.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 38
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/22/2014 11:36:16 PM
For Ms. Flaneur:

Let's just call him as having some of the 'negative traits' like 'disinterest' as in not showing particular interest in me. He messaged me last night with a profile he is interested in so I know he is occupied with his search in his home area. I decided to block him so I can move on past this, break the contact (and I have hidden my profile again). I already made it clear what I would deem acceptable behavior from men here: they have to be the ones to ask for a meet first, he has not done that so I am pretty sure things will be ok. I don't particularly care if he reads this thread, I have been careful not to reveal his identity and as far as I can tell I have not said anything bad about him. I think he can get along fine without continuing messages from me.

What is making all of this really hard is that I experience the same 'negative traits' from my mother too. She is the surviving parent, she just turned 90 and we live in the same house; she is getting more and more incapacitated by lung disease and will die one of these days. She seems to think that because she 'handled' my father I should have been able to do that too. We had harsh words last night, she is no comfort. I'm feeling pretty raw and alone.

I have started researching 'attachment' theory and hope to find a therapist to at least start getting a handle on this. I can't thank anybody here enough for helping me with all of this.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 39
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need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 6:23:19 AM
Oh how I wish that were true! I have a full life, I volunteer 6 times a month with two non profits. I work one day a week. I have friends, family. I go hiking with a meetup group, etc. For holidays I always have three invites, one family, the other two are friends, people I've known and loved for over 30 years.

I STILL get all excited and googly eyed like a silly teenager when I meet someone I really like.


That is what I refer to as "pseudo-attraction." In many cases is more about the feelings of emptiness, and finding someone to fill the void of a sad needy life. I mean this in a non-judgmental way. I tell everyone the same: get a hobby, get a meaningful life: volunteer, exercise intensely. U cannot share a life if u don't have one...

If ur life is full, the neediness will go away. When u find a real someone to share ur life, it will be a rich, rewarding life for u both.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 40
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 6:47:34 AM
I am afraid 'txtspk' guy is wrong, neediness and a full life CAN coexist. I am living proof. My neediness just went underground for a bit but it has always been there.

In researching 'attachment theory' I found myself and my life described to a 'T'. It even affected my work life.

Strawb, perhaps you have, as I did, one of those industrial strength wall things going on. It is patently not true that in all cases someone will magically appear when you least expect it and are in the middle of enjoying a 'full' life as you describe. Some of us have unexamined baggage. I sure did.

I have always hated this 'New Age' saying but it may just be true: "Your results are your guru". Learn from them, examine them. I am so lucky someone told me how to look and maybe get it resolved. When YOU change, your results will change. That is how you will know something is moving, not the crappy butterflies thing. IMHO.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 41
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 8:05:00 AM
Yep. I have played that part before. Another facet of the problem, it was apparently part of the trigger. Saw it too late.

Sheesh, how transparent I must be...... to all but myself.

Remember I wondered why this was?

I have found myself being attracted to a couple of other forum members based on their looks and how they come off in their forum writings. They are never local to me. All the guys in my area don't elicit such feelings in me (not in profiles and not in looks) and none of them post in the forums.


It is never posted in a profile that they are 'not having any luck'. The forums provide that info.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 42
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 8:26:30 AM
in order to avoid 'post whoring' I tried to fix it and just goofed up. Sorry
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 43
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need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 2:15:34 PM
OP: I'm glad to hear that the attachment theory reading you've been doing makes sense to you. The type of therapy that would be most helpful is called Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) here is a wiki link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionally_focused_therapy

When looking for a therapist who claims to have this treatment framework in their tool box - make sure that they are certified in the training - some folks take a weekend workshop or read a book and think that makes them an expert!

Just for clarification purposes:

The negative traits refer to the patterns in behaviour (ie. the POF guy) that re-enact and re-inforce the negative feelings in you. These types of behaviours would be things like his being thoughtless, unkind etc. It does not mean "disinterest, as in not showing particular interest in me". I am assuming from what you have said in this thread that the two of you have a friendly POF "friendship". Neither of you have expressed a 'romantic' interest in each other. I am assuming that when he discussed the other woman's profile, he was doing so as a 'forum buddy' not as someone trying to hurt you. Objectively his behaviour was not negative, so he doesn't have a negative trait. Subjectively, you were hurt and (unconsciously) angry. While these are negative emotions, they come from you not him. To be clear, this is not a negative trait in you...this is your being triggered by your perception of his rejection of you.

I suspect you have been (unconsciously) conditioned to use compliance (figuring out how to read people and do things that make things easy and comfortable for them) as a way to get the few crumbs of comfort you need. The downside of this strategy is that you give more than you receive, you will attract takers, you will be too uneasy and fearful to ask for what you want or need, you expect that there will be some inherent fairness in the exchange (i.e.. you give and give and then the other person will give to you) but this never works out fairly, then you have negative feelings which make you feel embarrassed and ashamed (for being vulnerable) and you get angry, sometimes hurt others, and ultimately shut down...again.

Does this make sense?
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 44
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 3:21:40 PM
I do not believe he was being thoughtless OR unkind, I just don't know WHAT he was being. He did not express a romantic interest in me as far as I remember. As for a friendship, this I am unsure about. I have no framework for that: no experience of being attracted to someone and being their friend too so I do not know if I can consider him a friend or buddy. I believe I clearly expressed a romantic interest in him but now I am not sure if I really did. I am very confused at this point. I am not sure how it came about that he showed me the first profile but I commented, as did I on the second, asking him what he liked about them, if it was all visual, etc. I told him both women were very pretty and wished him luck. I am really confused now at what I did and why so that is why I looked at it overall and decided to say he had the 'negative characteristics', to make it simple. I actually was able to see that in all of my past relationships, the negative characteristics were all present, those ones long ago. All this is moot because I don't want to contact him and find out. And I don't believe I really need to.

Right now I am almost feeling like I have brain damage, it is hard to remember and think. I did spend the afternoon with a GF and got plenty of support from her. I took a a personality test last night by Fraley and I score very low anxiety and avoidance with my GF, high anx and avoidance with both mom and dad and close to off the chart with the last relationship I remember. Somehow I knew I would. I am a mixture of avoidance and anxiety but I identify more with avoidance. Right now I am trying to figure out how to soothe myself, I feel pretty bad. It is awful for me to think I have hurt others, I always assumed I was the only one feeling pain.

So since I am so unsure about what actually happened with this guy, I will agree that your assessment of 'negative emotions' is indeed inside me. (And this is not about him anyway.) This must have stressed me out more than I thought. Your last paragraph feels right on and brings on more tears. I do, however, feel like a weight is lifting from me. So that guy was indeed a blessing.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 45
view profile
History
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 4:16:38 PM
OP: It's understandable that you are feeling - overwhelmed (this is not brain damage, you're leaking emotionally).

There is a short lecture on Youtube on Projective Identification - by the Seatle Psychology Centre...it should offer some clarity on what's going on for you. If you feel that you are on the high avoidant spectrum then I would suggest you read Robert Muller's book - Trauma and the Avoidant Client.....it's very good.

You are doing the right things, reaching out for help, connecting with supportive friends, reading and trying to understand from the bottom up about what is going on. Try to be kind and compassionate with yourself.

I wish you all the very best, OP.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 46
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 4:26:52 PM
I am indeed trying but I want so desperately for someone to comfort me, it really does seem overwhelming. Everything about me feels wrong and ugly.

I can't thank you enough for your help.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 47
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/23/2014 8:02:51 PM
the guy keeps contacting you because he may be quite like you and that you are being elusive now fuels his interest.
I don't know why you would want to keep in touch and why don't you just block him?? He wont die if you do and he will just move on. If you are afraid you willl come off looking callous, so what?? He is a stranger really but not in you mind, which is the problem. Remember he is only a figure in cyberspace. He could be writing from gaol, be a naughty schoolboy, anyone.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 48
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/24/2014 1:16:32 AM
You must have skipped directly to the end. Reading about someone else's problem has got to be boring for you. He has already been blocked and has moved on, I stated that a couple of days ago.

I try to always remember there are real people in cyberspace, with real feelings, "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog" notwithstanding. I only forget when they p!ss me off.
 o0BrownEyedGirl0o
Joined: 11/12/2014
Msg: 49
need help with attraction issue
Posted: 11/24/2014 6:46:42 AM
I have just finished the recommended video and came back to make a comment. In doing so I read my above post in reference to Petula's comment. It 'reads' beetchy to me and I am sorry. My feathers are ruffled and when they are I think I lash out at the least (Imagined) provocation.

That video from the Seattle guys? Holy freaking crap! A lot of things in my life are starting to make sense on so many levels. Behaviors I have had that I could never understand. I highly recommend to anyone reading along in this thread (that may be having the same problems as I) that you check out the things Flaneur001 has suggested. I especially loved the 'Tough or Bluff' segment at the end. I have always found listening to smart cultured guys having conversations just delightful, I can hold my own in conversations with such guys ONLY if I am not romantically attracted to them. And I see another video in the youtube list by the same Seattle people entitled "Flirting", got it cued up already. What I thought was flirting may not have been and may offer more clues I can learn from.

I am going to stop watching this thread for replies now, I have a lot to work on and I want to get busy.
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