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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations      Home login  
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 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 101
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectationsPage 5 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
never_in_life, you quoted me here but I think you misunderstood my point.


I'm with Cindy on this one- I had the real deal too, and I know how good it can be (and how much work it can be also).
I wouldn't mind some company, and to be honest good sex, but I don't expect to ever have the kind of relationship I had before. I'm open to it, but I think maybe it's rare.

Alright, I've this (or something like this) in this thread and others. The old, "I had such an amazing relationship in my past and I want that again., so I'm unwilling to settle, dammit!!!". ...


That' s not what I said- I said I don't expect to find it again. My husband and I sort of grew up together, raised a family together, and worked hard together. That stage of my life is over, and I think part of what builds the type of relationship we had is all that growing together. I didn't say anything about being unwilling to settle, in fact I said I'd be happy with good company and good sex- so in a way I would be willing to settle for something different.



Most people aren't "the one" when we first meet them. They become the one as we get to know them.


Yep, that's what I was saying. But, he also was the one. We were deeply in love, enough to ignore all the incompatibilities and difficulty of marrying at that stage in our lives. And we made it work. And I am smart enough to know that at this stage of my life, while I have the ability to feel deeply for another man, I am different enough from the mainstream that it isn't likely I will have that again.

That's not about settling, it's about being realistic enough to know that most men would not want a relationship with me.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 102
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 6:26:17 AM

I wouldn't mind some company, and to be honest good sex, but I don't expect to ever have the kind of relationship I had before. I'm open to it, but I think maybe it's rare.

Part of what makes it so 'rare' is that the past is the past, and there's no realistic way to compare the new and old side by side. A lot of people don't believe they can find someone as good or better because they perpetually look at what they used to have through rose-colored glasses or put that ghost from the past on some sort of pedestal that makes it nearly impossible for anyone new - or real - to size up in any way whatsoever.

Come to think of it, if the past was bad, people also have issues with seeing similar people through mud-colored glasses.

Each new person you date is a NEW person, with a NEW life and past and disposition and future goals and all the rest - but we all have a serious problem perceiving people that way. Everything we know is set in a frame of reference of our past experiences. Stepping out of that 'zone' - getting past our own issues - makes each new experience much more authentic (and more rewarding) whether it be a long term success or not.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 103
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 6:41:59 AM
Of course there is no way to look at the old and the new side by side.

I am not the same person as I was 30 years ago when I got married. I'm not looking for the type of relationship I had then, I am just saying that it is rare to have it. It involves a lifetime of building.

I am also not saying I couldn't have a great relationship with someone else, it's just not going to be the same. But I still think it isn't likely. I have no problem seeing each person as a NEW person, and the reason I am still single has nothing to do with my past.

For me personally, even though I was very young when I married, I had dated a lot of guys before my husband. He was the only one I dated past 4 months- as I said before I'm not very mainstream, and I wasn't compatible with most men I met. I have high standards, but they aren't the sort of standards most people would think of as dating criteria- they don't involve money, job or marital status (i.e. I don't think of being separated as the deal breaker many do) I am still not compatible with most men I meet. I often think if I hadn't met my husband I might have been single all my life.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 104
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 6:51:21 AM
Oh well - deal with it?
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 105
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 9:09:11 AM

Oh well - deal with it?


If that was directed at me, I think I am dealing with it quite well thank you. I'm not on here whining all the time about my problems.

I don't expect to meet someone, but I haven't said it is anyone's fault, nor do I feel ENTITLED to meet someone.


*Sits down takes out own bottle of whiskey since obviously Walts isn't passing his.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 106
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 9:15:06 AM

*Sits down takes out own bottle of whiskey since obviously Walts isn't passing his.


I think we're going to have to have a serious talk with Walts about him hoarding the single Malt. I'd share but I am more of a red wine drinker. Tempranillo, Malbecs, Garnachas.
 antirepublican
Joined: 12/31/2014
Msg: 107
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 9:34:40 AM

I notice it from reading a lot of the messages, seeing a lot of profiles on both sides of the scale that both men and women on here, many of them have very high and unrealistic expectations for their Ideal Partner.

or for some their "perfect Partner" which doesn't exist.

and they wonder why they're spending such a long time on this site having such little success and getting frustrated.

I notice something very different. It is the so-called realistic ones who do all the complaining. The ones who allegedly have unrealistic expectations know that they are limiting their options and take that in stride. They prefer nothing to something that they don't want. They accept that nothing may be the way that it turns out and they are at peace with that.


people who they aren't qualified for

Very sad. It is unimaginable that someone would aspire to being grudgingly accepted because they are "qualified". I've seen and heard it quite a few times. "Yeah, he's all I could get." The spouse never smiles when they hear that. I suppose that it is tolerated by a lot of people for many years but is that what represents the good life?
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 108
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 9:40:31 AM
No it was an answer for the problem cited by the thread title. - Deal with it, by simply dealing with a situation that seems unfair, you are effectively able to deal with it.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 109
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History
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 12:02:04 PM
@slowitall....
I totally get what you're saying....I have heard that from other people who have had long term relationships where they "grew up" with their partners....

I'm not sure what you mean by not "being compatible with most men", but I have NEVER seen you say anything that remotely sounds like entitlement or idealizing in this or any other thread that I have seen you respond....

As for the topic.....
I am one of those who actually has pretty realistic expectations and normally don't have much trouble meeting nice guys, who I can date, when I am in "dating mode"....

I am NOT looking for "Mr. Perfect", or Mr. Moneybags, or someone who can "support me in the style to which I am accustomed"...which, actually is not a lavish one any way, as I tend to live as simply and frugally as possible, whether or not I have money, and have supported myself just fine, so.....

But I do hear about people with lengthy lists of requirements and dealbreakers....Which really doesn't affect me in any way whatsoever....If they are willing to hold out for what they want and what they want is NOT me, then that's ok....I'd rather be with someone who is more "inclusive" than "exclusive"...if ya know what I mean... and who thinks that I'm the best thing since sliced bread, as I hopefully will feel about them....Totally NOT interested in trying to be what someone else wants if it's clear that's not ME....jmo
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 110
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 3:54:29 PM

That's not about settling, it's about being realistic enough to know that most men would not want a relationship with me.


What the hell are you talking about? That's ridiculous. Of course men will want to date you.
 SeainaStorm
Joined: 2/7/2015
Msg: 111
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 4:06:14 PM

That's not about settling, it's about being realistic enough to know that most men would not want a relationship with me


Unless you are a complete harridan, this does not reconcile with your profile or your pictures. You appear at a glance to be an attractive, intelligent and interesting woman.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 112
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 4:18:37 PM
My pics are completely up to date this is who I am. I'm really nice, not a harridan at all. I am employed, my kids are grown, I have my own house and car. And I thank everyone for the kind comments. I don't get a lot of interest here to be honest. Intelligent and interesting are not at the top of most men's lists for dating. ;)

I know I am not the only woman here who has found it to be so.

I am probably too intelligent for my own good, and way too interesting, not always in a good way. I have some quirks, but I am pretty easy going. But I know myself well- and apparently the men I have dated or met over the past few years feel the same way. Seems hard to find chemistry.

Once in a while someone comes along who seems like he might just be someone I could have something with.... but it just doesn't go anywhere or there is some sort of deal breaker- like the girl friend he forgot about!

Maybe I am too picky? Or fussy? I don't have unrealistic expectations though, as I have none!
 SeainaStorm
Joined: 2/7/2015
Msg: 113
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 4:37:23 PM

Intelligent and interesting are not at the top of most men's lists for dating. ;)


I would hazard a guess that you have been talking to the wrong men.


Seems hard to find chemistry.

I can certainly relate to that.


I don't have unrealistic expectations though, as I have none!

A wise policy, a wise policy. (Thank you Richard Harris)
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 114
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/13/2015 5:50:26 PM
If you read my profile you will get a better understanding of what is going on. Men and women have vastly different experiences - so you have to get creative.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 115
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/14/2015 7:15:19 AM
I would rather reject people and keep looking than try a relationship and break both our hearts.
Which just happened because I wanteds to give it a chance.
I won't make that mistake again. It is a bad idea and really is just not worth it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 116
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/14/2015 7:26:25 AM
^^^Exactly. Why hurt someone else to give them a chance you knew wasn't going to make any difference? Some would rather a person dated them anyway - I have no idea why. I'd rather stay single then have someone date me to make me feel better, and I have dated one or two before that I wasn't really into hoping it would change. It doesn't.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 117
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/14/2015 7:31:58 AM

I would rather reject people and keep looking than try a relationship and break both our hearts.
Which just happened because I wanteds to give it a chance.
I won't make that mistake again. It is a bad idea and really is just not worth it.


Yeah, well, I hate to break this to you but, if you are not willing to have your heart broken, you'll never get what you think you are looking for. I wouldn't trade any of the moments before I have had my heart broken. Sure, it hurts when the heart is damaged but, at least I was using it. And yes, it was "worth" it. I never look back at those relationships as "wasted time".


My husband and I sort of grew up together, raised a family together, and worked hard together. That stage of my life is over, and I think part of what builds the type of relationship we had is all that growing together.


This I agree with. And with that, I do believe that part of the problem with some of the older ones is that we look back and kinda wish we can find what we had. As slow says, we are not at "that stage" of our lives anymore. We are here, right now, not "back then". I do believe some people in my age category are quite afraid to admit this. So the fear enters the process, and these people let the fear help quickly dismiss those "others" because they don't meet what many believe they "know" they are looking for. I always question how you can see what you need in the future, since we haven't been there yet. That is, other than the ones with those working crystal balls.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 118
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/14/2015 6:12:16 PM

There's a pretty strong indicator of it early on even if we don't know for sure. There's "something" about that person. If you've never had it happen I can understand the confusion.



Some would rather a person dated them anyway - I have no idea why. I'd rather stay single then have someone date me to make me feel better, and I have dated one or two before that I wasn't really into hoping it would change. It doesn't.


Agree 100%. I've tried to "stay the course" with a few guys that were just good people, even good looking, but I just didn't have that connection I was looking for. I had to break it off after a few dates because they were getting really attached to me but I just wasn't feeling it. I have also broken it off with a guy that I really liked and was into, but sensed that he wasn't really as into me, based on his behavior. Sure, he would have continued to "date" me because it was convenient for him, but I don't want that. I want to fall for someone who is also falling for me.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 119
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 4:46:24 AM

Yeah, well, I hate to break this to you but, if you are not willing to have your heart broken, you'll never get what you think you are looking for. I wouldn't trade any of the moments before I have had my heart broken. Sure, it hurts when the heart is damaged but, at least I was using it. And yes, it was "worth" it. I never look back at those relationships as "wasted time".


No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.

It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!

Hence why it works better to get to know them and what they are actually like (if they aren't faking it - as many do) then get involved when you are sure you actually like their personality and every other thing about them.

It's a good idea that people don't settle for less, for example buying shoes too small that end up hurting you and making you uncomfortable. I'd rather reject loads of men then find the right one later, than be unnessesarily used and hurt by jerks and risk stds and pregnancy too! - that is what happens when you sleep with too many. Sex is never 100% safe.

What do you call sex that is 100% safe?
A: No sex!!!
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 120
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 5:37:44 AM

Not really.


Solid rebuttal. And absolutely right on the money - you changed my mind on the matter.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 121
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 5:51:02 AM

It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!


Good luck with the shopping then. I'm sure if we could talk to you in another 10 years, hopefully you'll see things a little differently. But, either/or. Learning takes time, and you have more than I. Good luck with your efforts,,,,, or should I say, shopping?
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 122
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 6:42:10 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.

So, how do you screen for this? I mean, no one will go out with someone if they know they're an idiot before hand.


It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!

No, but just because you find the exact thing you want, it doesn't mean it won't fall apart the first time you put it in the wash.


What do you call sex that is 100% safe?
A: No sex!!!

Then it's not sex.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 123
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 10:15:30 AM
What I'm trying to say is you don't need to be with someone and fully try out a relationship to know if the relationship won't work!
If they have completely different interests - it won't work
If we have nothing in common - it won't work
If we don't find each other attractive/I don't find them attractive - it won't work, I find like 98% of men unattractive, for some reason
If they have no goals or crap income/job - it won't work
If I don't like their personality - it won't work
It's just pretty simple. Screen for all the stuff BEFORE committing and DON'T commit unless they are exactly what you want. Then if they are exactly what you want in a person and the relationship is good and makes you happy - work damn hard to keep it.


What do you call sex that is 100% safe?
A: No sex!!!

It was a joke!! Why so serious? >.<
No sex is 100% safe. - that is what I was getting at.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 124
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 10:24:36 AM
I was just teasing you about the sex part, Arcadia. I know you were joking.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 125
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/16/2015 10:14:54 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.


So, how do you screen for this? I mean, no one will go out with someone if they know they're an idiot before hand.

It's easy - look for the "Plenty of Fish" logo in the lower left corner of their profile photo.
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