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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 121
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectationsPage 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!


Good luck with the shopping then. I'm sure if we could talk to you in another 10 years, hopefully you'll see things a little differently. But, either/or. Learning takes time, and you have more than I. Good luck with your efforts,,,,, or should I say, shopping?
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 122
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 6:42:10 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.

So, how do you screen for this? I mean, no one will go out with someone if they know they're an idiot before hand.


It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!

No, but just because you find the exact thing you want, it doesn't mean it won't fall apart the first time you put it in the wash.


What do you call sex that is 100% safe?
A: No sex!!!

Then it's not sex.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 123
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 10:15:30 AM
What I'm trying to say is you don't need to be with someone and fully try out a relationship to know if the relationship won't work!
If they have completely different interests - it won't work
If we have nothing in common - it won't work
If we don't find each other attractive/I don't find them attractive - it won't work, I find like 98% of men unattractive, for some reason
If they have no goals or crap income/job - it won't work
If I don't like their personality - it won't work
It's just pretty simple. Screen for all the stuff BEFORE committing and DON'T commit unless they are exactly what you want. Then if they are exactly what you want in a person and the relationship is good and makes you happy - work damn hard to keep it.


What do you call sex that is 100% safe?
A: No sex!!!

It was a joke!! Why so serious? >.<
No sex is 100% safe. - that is what I was getting at.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 124
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/15/2015 10:24:36 AM
I was just teasing you about the sex part, Arcadia. I know you were joking.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 125
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/16/2015 10:14:54 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.


So, how do you screen for this? I mean, no one will go out with someone if they know they're an idiot before hand.

It's easy - look for the "Plenty of Fish" logo in the lower left corner of their profile photo.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 126
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/16/2015 2:47:37 PM

It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!


Suppose I was looking for a dark blue shirt and the store only had a relatively lighter shade of blue for that particular shirt. I still might buy the shirt if I liked the overall style or features. That can apply to dating for me as well.
 chrisshrew
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 127
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A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/17/2015 1:10:17 AM
Mes 129

Well you should look for someone who you share a lot in common with but there are only a certain number of people about. Finding someone that fits all that criteria with regard to income, personality, interests and goals in life etc within the 2% of men you find attractive must feel like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 128
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/17/2015 6:40:28 PM

It was a joke!! Why so serious? >.<
No sex is 100% safe. - that is what I was getting at.


Pretty sure you're wrong about that, I've tested the theory and I've had sex that was 100% safe. And I've been rodded in the Army - not fun - but no STD's. So yeah, your theory is wrong.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 129
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/17/2015 11:20:49 PM

What I'm trying to say is you don't need to be with someone and fully try out a relationship to know if the relationship won't work!

True... You won't know if it will, but yeah, at different levels from reading their profile or looking across the room -- to going out on a handful of dates -- you can rule it out. The tough part is ruling it in. That's always a risk (but you have to take non-hasty AND non-paranoid calculated risks to get any rewards).

I find like 98% of men unattractive, for some reason

That is an issue, btw. I think we can go thru phases of that, but usually when that happens, ya stand back and get out of the dating scene altogether for a while. No friends-first, no but-im-not-taking-anything-seriously -- just the same amount as if you were in a happy relationship. Just a "full timeout".

I agree with the basic/common-sense stuff you were saying, but this part...

No sex is 100% safe. - that is what I was getting at.

There is (individual acts of) sex that is 100% safe sex. But yeah, over time, collectively, rarely are they 100% safe from everything that'd be possibly bad (prego or infections). I guess two disease free people dating where the woman has a hystorectomy -- that's 100% safe. And as Bill Maher said about pregnancy -- condoms when used properly and properly fitting ones, Is as reliable as a good toaster. If that's still scary for someone, they have issues. Also, btw -- kissing isn't 100% safe if one wants to get technical. :)
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 130
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/18/2015 2:41:46 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one. [/qute]

You don't need it brken; but it'll eventually happen, if not by a man, but by a trusted friend or a classmate or co-worker. It happens in all relationship, sooner or later. It's sometimes how you learn to relate to other human beings, sometimes.


It is like shopping, you look at products, check out what their features are and buy one when it has everything you want. You don't try something on that you know is too big or too small or you don't like the colors and style!


No -- human relationships are far more complex than this and certainly human being are, too. It's not a matter of pre-selection and reshelving when it doesn't appeal to you. Sometimes, people grow on you, even if they don't match everything on your list; and what you don't have on your list, maybe the things you need from somebody. (We tend to overlook this when we're too focused on what we want rather than what we need.)

I think you may have used the wrong analogy for this.


Hence why it works better to get to know them and what they are actually like (if they aren't faking it - as many do) then get involved when you are sure you actually like their personality and every other thing about them.


You're not going to like every little thing about them. You and your furture partner will be two different individuals with individual perspectives. Are you seeking a clone of yourself in your prospects? You'll be greatly disappointed if you aren't seeking somebody who can bring something new and interesting into your life -- like new life experiences.


It's a good idea that people don't settle for less, for example buying shoes too small that end up hurting you and making you uncomfortable. I'd rather reject loads of men then find the right one later, than be unnessesarily used and hurt by jerks and risk stds and pregnancy too! - that is what happens when you sleep with too many. Sex is never 100% safe.


I appreciate your caution and care for yourself. Your self-preservation skills are most mpressive and I'd wish more people would take that into account when choosing partners.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 131
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/18/2015 2:42:41 AM
*I apologise for my crappy attributing.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 132
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/18/2015 12:43:54 PM
LiliMarleen

Well said!! We want what we want and chemistry is chemistry. No amount of settling or compromising our desires, changes that. Who has to settle anyway? Certainly not most women I know. Unrealistic expectations?? Maybe. But dating sites typically are hotbeds for wishful thinking and fantasies. Anyone can be dismissed at the click of a button, so be it.

Never in life
If you can afford to overlook someone who you feel has too many requirements listed, when you do not disclose your body type nor your employment, then by all means do so.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 133
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/18/2015 5:10:14 PM

Never in life
If you can afford to overlook someone who you feel has too many requirements listed, when you do not disclose your body type nor your employment, then by all means do so.


I'm not sure to what you are referring to here. Was that even meant for me?
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 134
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A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 11:27:34 AM

No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.


Actually, you do. You cannot find the right pair of shoes unless you try them on. Not every shoe fits exactly the same, even if they are the same name brand and model. The stichings are different, the left one might be slightly shorter than the right around the toes while one is a tad more narrow requiring stretching by breaking them in.... lots of things. Also just like clothing, not all manufacturers size measurements are exactly standardized. What looks good on one person, might not look as good on you, which is why you try stuff on before you buy by visiting the dressing room. Same goes for dating. The profile is just a little bit of info to entice, but till you meet and decide a person is worth it you will never know if they are the one or if they think you are the one. Regardless of what you think.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 135
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 12:03:43 PM
No.
Sorry,but online AND in real life there are going be approaches/expressions of interest that you just KNOW are so NOT going to happen.
It's not like buying shoes-or do YOU go shopping for shoes and intentionally try on ones that are definitely the wrong size, are a color you don't like, a style that is inappropriate for intended use?

I can't think of anything that could be much more disappointing for someone of either gender, to go out on meeting/dates just to be going, even though you KNOW it will never go anywhere.
And this jaber about "dating outside your comfort zone" that I've heard some espouse.
Yeah, if all I was interested in was social dating or the occasional FwB-but I'm interesting in dating for a long-term commitment. May not be marriage or cohabitation, but someone to be a comfortable companion-in-crime(lol) for whatever more years are granted. Why in the WORLD would I date outside my comfort zone, with that as my dating goal?
Cindy O
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 136
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A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 12:15:55 PM
I don't go specifically for shoes that I know aren't going to work. I pick out a pattern I like then give a try to see how well they work. Are the soles enough for my comfort level. Sometimes we buy things and find out later they weren't such a good fit. Like finding a lemon of a car. Same goes for relationships. One doesn't know till they give the other person a chance. But how do you really know just by the profile? Answer is you don't. This is why the meeting is so important. We get our initial eye candy from the pictures and decide if we can find things to converse about based upon what is in the profile, but the be all end all to be the profile as if that constitutes the entirety of the person....

And the quote before my response to it stated, one doesn't know till one gives it a go. So basically yes one does have to have their heart broken before they find the right one (if they ever do). Because the profile cannot be everything that a person is. Not enough space or bandwidth to comprise that much information.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 137
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 1:15:25 PM

But how do you really know just by the profile?

Some of us just DO know. And yes, there are sometimes ones that are "maybes", we might explore further.

Here's what the deal is.
If you are messaging woman and getting no response or getting " no thank yous"-it's because those women do not want to date you. The feel no obligation to "get to know you".
Yeah, it sucks, I know. I'm NOT trying to be mean to you.
But online dating is not a vending machine for dates/relationships. Nobody is OBLIGATED to contact other participants because "it just makes sense", or because of geographic closeness, whatever. No one is obligated to respond favorably to messages for those reasons, either.
Some people just do not come across well online. If you don't do well OFFline, online generally speaking is not going to be much better. About all you can say for it is that you are being "seen" more widely than you would be in your real life activities.
However, I still think there are a lot of people better served to get into off-line,real life activities where they can show by actions who they are and what they are about.
And, sadly, online dating is not going to be some magical solution to people who just aren't that appealing. For some of us, we have to realize we are hard to match.The Universe doesn't OWE us romance. If the lack of appeal is something reasonably fixable, and you can maintain those improvements, fine.
But do it for yourself.
Otherwise, just accept how things are, Do not attempt to preach at people, telling them that THEY are WRONG, and that they HAVE to change because you are OWED a "chance" or "a shot."
It don't work that way. It never has.
Cindy O
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 138
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A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 2:34:26 PM
Good for you. I for one cannot see the future and pass by any random woman and know for a fact that I will get along with them and never have a problem, finding them to be the perfect soulmate. Must be nice to have visions of the future. Perhaps you could have saved us a whole lot of time typing and reading by having stated from the beginning what we were going to post. I for one have met plenty of women in my life and practically fell in love only to have my heart broken because it was not reciprocated. I must be the only person in the world who cannot see the future.

I never once stated that every woman was obligated to have to talk or meet me. That was your stretching of it. I just simply stated no one can go through life never having their heart broken by idiots. Everyone has to suffer it as the only way to know a person is to meet them and find out over time if they are truly right or not. What a wonderful life it would be if we could make the right decision on everything every time.

I don't do well online, I don't do well offline. I just have to come to grips that my face is repulsive to women and take that as the fact. None of you want to see me much less talk to me. I'm still surprised you are.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 139
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 4:31:53 PM

Some of us just DO know. And yes, there are sometimes ones that are "maybes", we might explore further.

Absolutely, reading between the lines in profile text is a good skill to have. There are also "maybe" people we don't bother going further with.

Good for you. I for one cannot see the future and pass by any random woman and know for a fact that I will get along with them and never have a problem, finding them to be the perfect soul mate.

You can read interest or lack of it from the other person enough to know if you should be cautious in investing.

Must be nice to have visions of the future. Perhaps you could have saved us a whole lot of time typing and reading by having stated from the beginning what we were going to post.

Dramatic reaction. No comment.

I for one have met plenty of women in my life and practically fell in love only to have my heart broken because it was not reciprocated. I must be the only person in the world who cannot see the future.

That's not futuristic fortune telling, that's common sense. If it wasn't reciprocated why did you get that attached? Did you maybe ignore the signs hoping for something different? That won't work.

I never once stated that every woman was obligated to have to talk or meet me. That was your stretching of it. I just simply stated no one can go through life never having their heart broken by idiots. Everyone has to suffer it as the only way to know a person is to meet them and find out over time if they are truly right or not. What a wonderful life it would be if we could make the right decision on everything every time.

If you are over say 25 and haven't learned anything then you will get your heart broken many more times. If you learned anything you know using your instincts and your sense of reason a lot more will keep you from making mistakes already made.

I don't do well online, I don't do well offline. I just have to come to grips that my face is repulsive to women and take that as the fact. None of you want to see me much less talk to me. I'm still surprised you are.

Another dramatic announcement or attempt to fish for reassurance or both. No comment.
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 140
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A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/20/2015 6:08:52 PM
If no comment, then why did you even bother? Many times reading between the lines where there is empty space is just that. Reading something is just hallucinating.

My posts were taken way out of context by someone "reading between the lines" without taking the context of my quote (in quote box mind you) that was from a post only a page back, copied directly. Putting words into my posts that aren't there to begin with and creating rants to attack me when I was merely offering the same advice to OP that I had hammered at me as if I started this thread. So go figure.

Perhaps I should start breaking every bodies posts down sentence by sentence since apparently so much is read in empty spaces that things not even stated are being found in empty space just to create drama.

Go through my previous 4 posts and show me where I stated the things being hammered at me. I want to see them in quotation boxes. If you cannot find them then apologize. This is supposed to be social, so be social.


If you are over say 25 and haven't learned anything then you will get your heart broken many more times. If you learned anything you know using your instincts and your sense of reason a lot more will keep you from making mistakes already made.


Basically after 25 we should be heartless then. Rather than wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Are women not predators themselves or is there some sort of immunity due to a different sexual organ? Can women not lead men on?
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 141
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/21/2015 2:43:02 AM

Pretty sure you're wrong about that, I've tested the theory and I've had sex that was 100% safe. And I've been rodded in the Army - not fun - but no STD's. So yeah, your theory is wrong.

Wait.. what? ? rodded?
All contraception/protection has a fail rate!


me: No, I don't need to have my heart broken by idiots to get to the right one.
Actually, you do. You cannot find the right pair of shoes unless you try them on.


If I find a pair of shoes ugly and I hate the color and pattern, why should I try them on? I'm not going to stay with someone who I will be unhappy with because I find them sexually unattractive or don't like something important about them.

It's like if you look at a product or shoe and its not quite right you put it back on the shelf. Same with dating. When they are on the shelf its the looking phase, when you pick them up and examine them closer its the messaging or IM/phone call phase. When you meet them in person its the try on stage, when you buy them and wear them it's the relationship stage. Of course you can do returns if you go out with someone and find out you don't like them anymore etc. I would just prefer spend longer in the looking phase before the meeting, since I know exactly what they are like after only a short time of talking. I'd rather not risk meeting some possibly horny guy. lol.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 142
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/21/2015 2:25:00 PM

If I find a pair of shoes ugly and I hate the color and pattern, why should I try them on? I'm not going to stay with someone who I will be unhappy with because I find them sexually unattractive or don't like something important about them.

It's like if you look at a product or shoe and its not quite right you put it back on the shelf. Same with dating. When they are on the shelf its the looking phase, when you pick them up and examine them closer its the messaging or IM/phone call phase. When you meet them in person its the try on stage, when you buy them and wear them it's the relationship stage. Of course you can do returns if you go out with someone and find out you don't like them anymore etc. I would just prefer spend longer in the looking phase before the meeting, since I know exactly what they are like after only a short time of talking. I'd rather not risk meeting some possibly horny guy. lol.


Shoes is a really REALLY terrible horsesh*t example for comparison. How many MILLIONs of women have shoes that they bought simply because they looked 'hot' at the time or that completed a 'look' they wanted, only to wear them once, find out they hurt their feet and then - not exchange them - but dump them into a corner of the closet? What happens after a couple years when you pull those bins and multiple boxes of shoes out and you literally have no idea where half of them came from? Guys get dumped that way all the time - girls take years to figure out how to shoe shop sensibly - and the rejected ones don't pile up for self-reflection later on - they walk away - leaving the gal with little or no clue the total quantity or reasons why she can't find a good one that will last. Shoes are disposable to a LOT of women. Men should not be.

It's not about buying ugly shoes. It's about buying shoes that last, and taking care of them so they last longer. You're not always going to find a pair that fit perfectly - and that's why finding a pair you can tolerably wear OFTEN is more important than something flashy for one time. You can break them in so they DO fit well and serve their purpose for a much longer period of time. It takes patience and maybe tolerance of a little pain at first - but in the long term you're much better off. Big damn deal if it's 'not quite right' - are you shopping for "shoes" for just one night, or the rest of your life?

And yeah, guys need to be more careful with their 'shoe' shopping as well. We just don't have, or buy, that many pairs - and most of the time we don't toss them out even when they smell really bad and should get tossed.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 143
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 2/21/2015 11:09:59 PM
Well, Sweet Danimal, I don't have many shoes!
I need some more actually.


Shoes are disposable to a LOT of women. Men should not be.

They freaking make themselves disposable! do they not?

It's like OK, try dating - works.
Try relationship - doesn't work so split
Oh no sex? Man is outa there.


It takes patience and maybe tolerance of a little pain at first

In my experience, people don't change, they don't wear in like shoes do. So if there is something you can't stand or wish was different it's best not to bother.

Like for example with the last guy I dated, he was nocturnal and wouldn't see me during the day time at all and expected me to go travel to see him. See no, there is no wearing in that could happen with that, except for me tolerating that rubbish.
 tgif111
Joined: 10/24/2014
Msg: 144
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 3/1/2015 1:42:58 PM

Most people aren't "the one" when we first meet them. They become the one as we get to know them


well this is the way it has worked with me.

the women that I have had relationships with started out very rocky.

upon meeting me through a mutual friend and conversing for a while "Barb" called me "weasel" and kicked my shins under the table. couple of months later we were going steady.
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 145
view profile
History
A LOT of men and women on this site have unrealistic expectations
Posted: 3/1/2015 8:35:30 PM

Shoes is a really REALLY terrible horsesh*t example for comparison. How many MILLIONs of women have shoes that they bought simply because they looked 'hot' at the time or that completed a 'look' they wanted, only to wear them once, find out they hurt their feet and then - not exchange them - but dump them into a corner of the closet?


Exactly the point I was going for. Because every pair of shoes can be like people.

When I buy boots I guess I have an average length of foot for my height (what ever average is, I am considerably proportional in almost every way). Problem is anything that is just right in length won't fit me in width. Even getting boots specified wide at proper length is still too tight, so I go at least a half size larger and my foot still stretches them out.

Needless to say, one does not know another person till they spend time with them. Any preconceived notions can seriously be cutting ones nose off to spite their face in regards to attaining the relationship they are aiming for.
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