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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?      Home login  
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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 51
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?Page 3 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I know we're getting off topic, but I would add to the "Knowing when to shut up and when to speak up" statement, Knowing when to let go and drop it. I can't think of anything positive coming out of it, when someone says: "Last year ago we were talking about such-and-such, and you said such-and-such. I'm still really angry and fuming mad about it". (followed by rant)
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 52
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History
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:15:45 AM
@ maleman....

That is one thing that I detest, is when people SAY that it's " over and done" but then bring out what I call " the list" and proceed to re-hash things....at a much later date...

For myself, when an issue has been resolved and the other party tells me that it is for them, too, then I expect that we won't be speaking of it again and I won't be bringing it up...for sure, unless the SAME issue arises again, which indicates a pattern of some kind....

That is actually a great example of the type of passive/aggressive behaviour that I was talking about earlier....that I don't want from an SO....
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 53
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:26:04 AM
: I know we're getting off topic, but I would add to the "Knowing when to shut up and when to speak up" statement, Knowing when to let go and drop it. I can't think of anything positive coming out of it, when someone says: "Last year ago we were talking about such-and-such, and you said such-and-such. I'm still really angry and fuming mad about it". (followed by rant)


I'll tell you a story. I was a survey interviewer for a while and I had a conversation with a lady:

Dan: Hi, my name is Daniel I'm calling you on behalf of [...], doing a short 5 minute survey, may I speak to a man in your household?
Lady: No, my husband just died.
Dan: Allright, thank you for your time, have a good day!
Lady: WHat?!
Dan: Thank you for your time mam and have an excellent day!
Lady: Hmm, bye.

Hmm? You see it? The lady is tossing her baggage, and nobody is catching it. She was wondering, why isn't he catching the baggage, what's wrong with him?

She tossed the baggage and it went right through me, as though I didn't exist. You see? Nothing hindered the baggage, it went through me and broke in contact with the ground. And the baggage didn't hinder me either. Hm, see?

Of course people will toss their baggage. Let it break. Not your buisness, it's insured.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 54
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:29:56 AM

Never SAID it was...maybe you need to re-read what I said....
I SAID that my own observations have been that passive/aggressive people in GENERAL seem to have success in LTR's and that it's based on NOT speaking openly and honestly....which is not what I want in an LTR myself...


And I DISAGREE. I have observed MANY if not MOST successful long term relationship where there was NOTHING passive agressive about EITHER partner. BOTH partners were open and honest, this makes for a SUCCESSFUL relationship. I had a very successful relationship and BOTH of us were open and honest but we also knew what was IMPORTANT and what was not. I want an ADULT relationship and not one that is combative or where each thinks they have to WIN or be RIGHT, I just want to know is that I was HEARD.
 Fire_and_Ice4_You
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 55
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:30:39 AM
Msg 55 ^^^^^^^^^^^Huh??
 Supersoulson
Joined: 10/21/2014
Msg: 56
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:38:08 AM

Dan: Hi, my name is Daniel I'm calling you on behalf of [...], doing a short 5 minute survey, may I speak to a man in your household?
Lady: No, my husband just died.
Dan: Allright, thank you for your time, have a good day!
Lady: WHat?!
Dan: Thank you for your time mam and have an excellent day!
Lady: Hmm, bye.


That's a cute story Dan but .... just a teensy bit different ball game with someone you , I dunno....LIVE WITH !

LOL
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 57
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:48:52 AM

That's a cute story Dan but .... just a teensy bit different ball game with someone you , I dunno....LIVE WITH !

LOL


That's true. I was replying to a sister in another post:


Cue the next time I see him. He does not say hello and spends most of the evening avoiding.


I replied:


What's the problem with that? He did not say hello because he didn't felt like it, and he went the other way, not because he was avoiding you but because he felt like going the other way. It's a free country right? If I'm your boyfriend, and we meet on the street, and right before we hug, I turn and head back to where I came from, what's the problem? I can do that right, if I feel like it? Your EGO perceives it as arrogance.

Your EGO tries to strip people of their human rights. What? Before he slept with you, and the man was walking past you, you would say "the man is going on his way", but now that he slept with you, you say "he's avoiding me", like he no longer has the right to mind his buisness? It's in your head. You got to lose it. Until he himself confirms his arrogance with an arrogant behavior, it is your ego that perceives it as arrogance. Get rid of your ego, for good.


You are right that, in a relationship, you do lose some rights.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 58
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:53:48 AM

After reading this poem “Considerata” by Max Ehrmann (you can look it up on google),


It's actually called "Desiderata".


If the world had all the good people, no bad at all, then people would not know what good means.


Must be absolutely miserable to have everything go well all the time.
Actually, an episode of the Twilight Zone explored that concept. Guy died and ended up in a place he thought was Heaven because eveything he wanted was available instantly. He got so sick of easy living, easy money, easy women, that asked to go to the "other place" instead", whereupon he was informed that this WAS the "other place."
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 10:58:31 AM

Hmm? You see it? The lady is tossing her baggage, and nobody is catching it. She was wondering, why isn't he catching the baggage, what's wrong with him?

I assumed she asked "what?" because she was expecting to take the survey - like why her husband would be the only one qualified to take it (dead or not). But that's of course my interpretation.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 60
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 11:33:26 AM
not sure about Desiderata but NL take always is uplifting.
"Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
and despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance. "
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 61
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 11:36:15 AM
I assumed she asked "what?" because she was expecting to take the survey - like why her husband would be the only one qualified to take it (dead or not). But that's of course my interpretation.


OR

She answered the phone and it was for her husband. She indicated he had just died and Dan told her to "Have a good day!". She was probably taken a bit back by his general demeanor.

Like you I am just making a guess.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 62
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 11:55:24 AM


People come on here to vent because they know they have a captive audience. Take for instance the most recent round of "why arent women writing me back" rants. This is THE number one question asked here, and it is almost daily. Alot of the men are giving good, rational advice. But they are drowned out by the "pigtail in the inkwell" types, the boys who learned they arent going to get any attention from girls unless they do something hostile, jerky and sure to get a reaction out of her. Many of the posts here (especially recently) are immature attempts to get a rise out of (and subsequently punish) women for not paying attention to them. They are, as others have called them...tantrums and sour grapes.

"IMO I think certain people are here because this is as close as any of them have been or will ever be too making conversation with a wo/man, they have absolutely no social skills and this way they can sit in the safety and comfort of their home and try to interact with the opposite gender."

Totally agree-and the interaction is childish, evolved, and meant to degrade and punish.

This ties in with a bigger issue that I am sure many of you have noticed-that the internet has come to a point where it is the ultimate forum for anonymous aggressive behavior. 95% of the stuff people say to one another on the net would *never* be said in person, because it is almost impossible to have a real conversation without eye contact and without *genuine listening*...most comment sections everywhere on the net now are simply arenas for online lynch mobs, name calling and cruel comments. It's just too easy to come on here and start spewing on, ignoring how people are responding, and going on and on, fueling your own frustration and hate, because it becomes a sort of conversation with yourself after a while.

As I read thru the redundant, endless comments from people robotically repeating their whines and rants, it starts to feel like they are talking to themselves, because they really are..they dont want to listen to you and they wont. They have no interest at all in ANYTHING except pressing their point. They are not here to learn, they are not here to understand anything, Just to deliver hatred, and, in my opinion, to punish individuals for not giving them what they feel they are entitled to.

Over the past week I have asked the men, for instance, who clearly think women are f@cking pieces of sh@t to offer some real workable solutions to the female problem. The problem that women are not responding back to men's online messages. So few of these guys came up with *anything*-I think two did. Which leads me to believe that the motive for these men coming on here has nothing to do with communication or problem solving. It is to harass, degrade, punish and to *continually and on a daily basis remind females what scum they are, and how rotten they are for not fulfilling their needs.*

And as I said this goes way beyond this particular forum. The internet is the modern day tar and feathering stage for everyone. We all offend someone, we're all racist, everyone is outraged, everyone is angry.

It's all a symptom of a very stressed out, anxious society that has been taught that violence and hostiliy is the only thing that will relieve the pressure.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 63
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 12:20:44 PM
I think people's posts reflect their attitude in life at the moment.

Bad date last night? Come in and vent.

Offensive email from Joe the Plumber. Come in and vent.

Met Prince Charming or Cinderella? Come in and gloat.

Embracing celibacy? Come in and advise.

I would challenge anyone entering the 'dating scene' to read these forums and still maintain an optimisic attitude.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 64
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 12:29:36 PM
She answered the phone and it was for her husband. She indicated he had just died and Dan told her to "Have a good day!". She was probably taken a bit back by his general demeanor.

I think Dan pretty much summed that up as the reason as well. It was just another thought to throw out there. And that can be something people don't expect in response to something like that.

For instance, there is a person I know who likes to be reassured a lot, so they say really dramatic things to get a response when not getting attention from others, especially the opposite sex. When we've gone out this person has claimed they were in a not so good mood and threatened to go home or stay home as the case may be. Some will ask this person what's wrong. I won't - I will just say OK and change the subject. If we are out somewhere I might add "do you need me to walk you to your car?" Yep, I don't catch that baggage or whatever is being tossed at me in that case either.

OT -

Anyone over the age of like 18 should say what they mean and mean what they say. If you say you want to leave and you are well over 18 I'll assume as a grown person that you know when you want to leave and I'll act accordingly. Someone who's bent on leaving won't care what people say so they'll just at some point say goodbye, maybe apologize and then just go. Those who announce they are leaving are usually hoping someone talks them out of it.

If you say you have come to the conclusion that all women suck, I will assume you mean what you say and my response will be in the context of you solving the problem or praising you for figuring something out and not having to deal with it anymore. After the 10th time hearing that women suck (again) I'm gonna start to wonder how serious you really are about what you're saying. That's when you start to get tuned out.

If you want someone to coddle you or give you compliments or attention - at least have the backbone to ask for it. If you just want to fish for stuff it's not fair to expect others to react the way you want them to without just asking for it. When it doesn't go the way you hoped it would, blame yourself. In the meantime don't expect people to want to keep listening to something with no productive direction.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 65
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 1:29:57 PM
I don't think a woman answering a question regarding a survey from
a stranger by saying "my husband (the man of the house or whatever) died"
is throwing baggage out there someone refused to catch. What should she
have said? And why wouldn't a stranger respond with something along the
lines of I'm sorry to hear that, I'm sorry to bother you or the like, rather than
just thank you have a good day? Perhaps the woman was expecting to hear
something kinder.

On the other hand, I totally get what woman in progress says regarding people
who say things for dramatic affect. I usually don't go along with it either and
will respond with do you need a ride when people threaten to leave for whatever
soapy reason. Insecurity and constant need for attention and affirmation to me
is baggage and I tend to duck when it's tossed at me as well.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 66
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 1:41:57 PM
Putting a snap label on something can be humorous.

"I don't want to do what you want" - Selfish, must be a Narcissist

"What's your schedule next week?" - Needy, must be a Control freak

"How do I look?" - Low self esteem

"I'm tired after a long day of work" - Mildly Depressed

"My ex..." - Oh my god. They used the word Ex! They must be hung up in the past!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 67
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If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 1:49:29 PM
Having been there myself for most of my first 40 years of life, the why me?, he done me wrong, all men/women are mean to me, etc. is a circular self-wallowing grand opening to my wound that won't heal because I'm too busy wallowing in pain. It's so self-defeating that it may damage the person for life, and yet they seek no real answers, they want validation and to keep crying, pouring salt into their own cuts. Even when you start recognizing that you are in hell, and begging to get out, you can't always get there, it's just whining and pity parties till you make yourself sick & bored and wish you could STFU! already. It really is miserable, and if you find people who will feed you some more drama, listen to you, pat your head, then you have validation! But only for a bit because this sort of wallowing requires a whole lot of time & energy, it's a bottomless pit, it's the proverbial hole that is never, ever going to be filled up and fixed. I can remember times when I thought gawd shut up and yet my mouth would open and it would all spill out and it wasn't until someone told me the truth that I even thought to get help for it, still it took some years to find the right place & person to start climbing out. And not everyone wants to climb out, some have their whole life wrapped up in what someone else did to them, whether real or not, and aren't about to change anything. Most who want to get out of the spiral will slip up and fall, it's a long process. Some people look for ways to not have to change. I remember telling a therapist, over & over because damn if it wasn't a calling of mine to hang onto cliffs, that I was petrified of falling off the cliff. She said, so let go and fall. WAS SHE CRAZY!!! Of course that is exactly what I had to do and amazingly, I lived.

A person is going to have to look in the mirror, they are going to have to see and accept the imperfections that are theirs and not what others did, and of course others did do something because that tends to be the start of it all. But you can't blame others for what you grabbed onto and wallowed in, if you want to get better. Yes, they were wrong, but why did you feed it to the point of ruining your life, with your own hands? That's very hard to do, when your whole self has been about them being wrong, then how does one fix themselves unless they can face where they were wrong. Life is freaking hard. A lot of people were damaged in childhood and don't have a clue why they react as they do, it's very hard to find that and fix it. For me only long, tough, embarrassing and painful therapy worked, and I'm still working on it.

The worst thing you can do for someone so trapped inside themselves, is enable them. But also, try to do no harm if you can't help them.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 68
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If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:03:35 PM
OP, personally, I love the opposite sex (women). What I dislike, is that there are very few of them, and too many men. I don't need to come on the forums for validation of that, all I have to do is open my eyes and look around the geographical area in which I find myself.......... I get plenty of validation from that to be sure.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 69
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If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:10:24 PM
Dan, that wasn't baggage she was tossing. That was real life.

You were supposed to say "I'm sorry to hear that"
Telling her to have a nice day was cold.


She answered the phone and it was for her husband. She indicated he had just died and Dan told her to "Have a good day!"
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 70
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:13:27 PM

OP, personally, I love the opposite sex (women). What I dislike, is that there are very few of them, and too many men. I don't need to come on the forums for validation of that, all I have to do is open my eyes and look around the geographical area in which I find myself.......... I get plenty of validation from that to be sure.


The ratios in Wilmington, North Carolina show more single women than men. The ratio is pretty much like most places. BUT the absolute numbers are much smaller.

But I would have never moved to a location that was a really a small town. The smallest city I lived in was either Washington DC or Dallas.

By absolute numbers, I mean if there are 108 single women for every 100 signle men, then there are more women than men. But it there are only a total of 200 single people it's a lot different than a place with 2 million single people. I would have never moved to a smallish town.

So what were the circustance of you ending up living in Wilmington, North Carolina? As someone pointed out, you travel a lot, why not date outside of your location?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:28:44 PM

The ratios in Wilmington, North Carolina show more single women than men. The ratio is pretty much like most places. BUT the absolute numbers are much smaller


How could that be quantified? People don't register anywhere when they date or get a girlfriend/boyfriend or live with a partner. What category would you put people who are in a FWB situation? Is it based on the number of marriage licenses given out in a certain year versus the number of divorces in the same time frame? I wouldn't put any merit in statistics that can't be verified.

The bigger question is how many are truly single and looking to date, and how many in each age range?
 forumfellathesequel
Joined: 7/28/2014
Msg: 72
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:46:38 PM
Sigungg, as IG said, with all your attributes..dancing, traveller, look normal, aside from being 32' 9 tall.gotta be a bugger finding pants that fit.... I'm just totally baffled as to why you are self admittingly a virgin and have never dated in your lifetime...it has to go well beyond men to women ratios...either you're a complete mess around women,(can't talk, social anxiety)or they're giving you the clues they're interested and you're just not picking up on them. Perhaps a few sessions with a shrink could fix ya right up..good luck
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 73
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:48:01 PM
I agree it wasn't gratuitous for the widow to say her husband had just died. That information could be useful for the telemarketers: if they only want to talk to men, they could remove her number from their list.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 74
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:54:12 PM

How could that be quantified? People don't register anywhere when they date or get a girlfriend/boyfriend or live with a partner. What category would you put people who are in a FWB situation? Is it based on the number of marriage licenses given out in a certain year versus the number of divorces in the same time frame? I wouldn't put any merit in statistics that can't be verified.

The bigger question is how many are truly single and looking to date, and how many in each age range?


I think the data is collected in the typical way, via USA census data.

When I had checked the ratios of people available to data using POF, the ratios were typical for most areas. I didn't comment on it, my memory was in the 45-50 age group there was something like 190 women and 250 men within 5 miles of the zip code 28405. The RATIO is about the same as here where I live. I assume it will be more women than men in the 55-60 age group as is typical. It's really about the same everywhere.

BUT the absolute numbers are much lower. Wilmington, North Carolina is a small town not close to any big city. So that tracks with logic.

If I were single and move to a small town, I would figure I was going to have a hard time dating. Maybe date tourists, but personally I don't do well at picking up random strangers. Women looking for sex on vacation typically look for tall, hansum man to have their fantasy fling with. Of course not all single women on vacation are up for a fling, but just saying what that group is looking for. (I do have experience with the "pickup tourist for sex" thing also.)

So I wouldn't move to a small town unless maybe they were offering double my salary. IE: Something hard to turn down. And I would start my exit plan before I moved.
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 75
If you don't even LIKE women/ men, then why come on to a dating site?
Posted: 12/5/2014 2:55:08 PM
Dan, that wasn't baggage she was tossing. That was real life.

You were supposed to say "I'm sorry to hear that"
Telling her to have a nice day was cold.


What if she was telling me that she was out of Heroin and was feeling terrible? Was I suppose to tell her "I'm sorry to hear that, I know it's hard but you'll find more eventually." ?

You see my problem? I have a problem here. Both persons are feeling terrible because withdrawing on Heroin feels similar or worst than a death in the family. So if empathy and compassion is about tending and carrying the baggage of a suffering person, why carry one baggage and not the other? Why the double standard?

You're going to say "the person withdrawing on Heroin had her selfish fun". What about the lady? Did she not have selfish fun with her husband before he died? Did she share him with others also? No? Selfish.

The lady who had a death in the family, what's making her suffer? You cannot say her husband because he no longer is, so you say? The death of her hushand. What is that? The loss of her husband. What is that? Withdrawal.

Hmm. You see my problem? Even your so called empathy is highly biased, you only choose to help those that you deem worthy of being helped. How is that even defendable? Pain is pain.

If you say "I'm sorry to hear that", you're encouraging her to perpetuate the same behavior that brought her that pain in the first place because you show understanding. Understanding leads to validation.
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