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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?      Home login  
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 thompson1919
Joined: 11/30/2014
Msg: 51
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?Page 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

It's not a good idea to be hitting on someone at a funeral, EVEN IF they're body language screams come and get me.


What!?!? Oh well more funeral p*ssy for me.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 52
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 7:31:34 AM

As I've witnessed, both first and second hand, I've never seen a woman who EVER wanted to be approached by any man. I always laugh at all the fools who try their luck, and usually get shot down big time.


Simply not true. You have to use some degree of common sense. Some intuition. some perception. If you are at a restaurant having lunch and there is a table of women talking among themselves chances are they prefer not to be bothered. If you are at a club its late and there are a group of women checking out guys as they walk by chances are they are looking to meet people. If you glance at a female and and she quickly glances away, probably not interested, if you glance and she smiles or continues to to look, take a shot. You don't stand a chance if you don't have a clue.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 53
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women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 10:58:41 AM

Behind-Blue-Eyes
Maybe it's an Age Difference, but I know quite a Few People that Met Their Long Time SO in a Bar.


+1 I met my ex in a night club, we were together for 27 years.


Coma_White
Why wouldn't men be conditioned to fear approaching attractive women when avoiding that behaviour helps them survive? When humans lived in tribes, a man that approached the wrong woman wasn't given an apple by the alpha male, he was killed or shunned by the group. We are literally programmed to avoid danger and situations that cause us harm.

I have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. I really don’t think it’s a matter of survival instincts, it’s simply a fear of being socially embarrassed. Witness this story, below:


gtomustang
there are times I'll see or meet someone, and as WiP posted, I'll just have to ask about my odds b/c jeez, I'm really gonna get ticked if I didn't try and it turned out I had a shot at getting to know someone and their life and sharing all that is good. that can be tempered with, "but if she says no, she works at my bank and I have to see her every day. does she seem like the type who can handle dealing with me after shooting me down?" (I had one who didn't, and boy did it get awkward--I finally just swapped banks).

Now that is a case of extreme social discomfort. My way of dealing with such things is somewhat different. Long ago, in a galaxy far far away … wait, wrong story. About 35 years ago, there was an extremely hot woman working in the bank where I did business. So naturally I hit on her. She told me she had a boyfriend, and I responded, “Well, let me know if that changes, because I will be interested!”

After that, whenever I ran into her I would just act like nothing had ever taken place. Unless, of course, there was no one else in earshot, and then I would say something like, “Still got that boyfriend?” She would smile, and say, “yes, so far so good!” One day, more than a year later, I noticed a big engagement ring, congratulated her, and never mentioned it again.

The very survival of the species depends on men hitting on women. There is absolutely nothing shameful about it. As long as you don’t do something asinine, you have nothing to be ashamed of.


VolkanoKing
I would love to be approached by a man. Never happens. Send the fools my way! It would be wonderful to flirt and meet men like this, in stores, etc.

You know, there is nothing in the rules to prevent women from doing the approaching. Last Saturday night, I was at a Christmas Party, a big one. Over a 100 people, live band, thrown by one of the Meetup groups that I belong to. As with all Meetup groups, there were a lot more women than men. I was standing around, talking with a small group of 3 women. Another lady, wearing a big floppy Christmas hat / stocking, walked up to the group of us. She grabbed the end of her Christmas hat, pulled it upright, and said to me, “My hat needs some Viagra. Do you have any?”

Now that might be a little too blunt, a little too forward for some of you ladies. But you know what, she was not immediately stoned to death. She was not thrown out of the party, nor banned from the Meetup group. Instead, everyone laughed. Later on that same evening, another lady told me about the incident, laughing about it, not realizing that I was one of the participants in the original.


gtomustang
The practice date notion is a good one. I tried it a few times. And, yeah, when I got shot down by someone still living with their mom, it was like, "whhaaaat?" Oh sure, she has every right to date who she wants, and she indeed ended up dating a guy living in his mom's basement so they had a lot more in common than I did with her, but still....it feels better being shot down by the person you expect to say no :)

+1
I have to agree with you there. Whenever I ask out a woman who is lower on the ladder, and she declines, I have exactly the same reaction. “Whhaaat?” Whenever I’m shot down by a woman who is clearly higher on the ladder, at least I know why.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 54
women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 1:34:25 PM

+1
I have to agree with you there. Whenever I ask out a woman who is lower on the ladder, and she declines, I have exactly the same reaction. “Whhaaat?” Whenever I’m shot down by a woman who is clearly higher on the ladder, at least I know why.

I may get hit on by a man who considers himself to be above me in some way - that doesn't mean I have any desire to see him naked. I like what I like. In fact if I get a vibe he feels that way, that's probably what will turn me off (if I'm not already disinterested).

There are no levels. Attraction is completely subjective. How you think someone will see you usually won't be similar to their perspective of you. Women who date based on level only and not based on any kind of physical interest are either very desperate or after something they think you can provide.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 55
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 6:07:51 PM

It's not a good idea to be hitting on someone at a funeral

Especially if it's your own funeral. Talk about creepy!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 56
women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 6:35:35 PM
If its my funeral and they want to be another stiff in the box, at least I'll have a good excuse for not being availible for them in this lifetime. I likely will not, however, shout "when Hell freezes over!", b/c well...who knows?

"There are no levels. Attraction is completely subjective. How you think someone will see you usually won't be similar to their perspective of you."

>>>I'd hate to let anyone down by not making my usual comment on levels. If attraction was completely subjective, actors and actresses and models wouldn't get paid what they are worth, b/c what guarantee would there be that their looks would attract eyes to the product being sold? they earn what they earn b/c they can be guaranteed to appeal to a wide range of the public.

A homeless man knows he's poor. He isn't confused about how people see him--he's accutely aware of it. Bill Gates isn't confused about his wealth, either. There are plenty of people making $100,000 per year who don't think they are rich, b/c they know people who make more. But for some, $100,000 a year is rich. When I was young and dumb, my father made good money, but all I saw was what we didn't have, and didn't feel rich as a result.

If you're a success 50% of the time, you may think you aren't successful b/c you fail 50% of the time. But those who fail more than 50%, will wish they could be at your level. An ant and an elephant can see the same world in different scales, due to different perspectives. But its the same world. The ant sees what he needs to see, and so does the elephant.

If one isn't painfully aware that "levels" or whatever term you wish exist, then that's likely a compliment of your success in life. you aren't the ant. congratulations.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 57
women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 6:41:20 PM

"There are no levels. Attraction is completely subjective. How you think someone will see you usually won't be similar to their perspective of you."

>>>I'd hate to let anyone down by not making my usual comment on levels. If attraction was completely subjective, actors and actresses and models wouldn't get paid what they are worth, b/c what guarantee would there be that their looks would attract eyes to the product being sold? they earn what they earn b/c they can be guaranteed to appeal to a wide range of the public.


Exactly.
I don't understand why people don't get that.
There actually was a reason why Michael Douglas was cast as the romantic lead in "Romancing the Stone", and Danny DeVito was cast as the comedy relief.
Or does anyone think they flipped a coin about it?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 58
women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 6:51:47 PM
considering that both actors can do comedy...
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 59
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 8:14:49 PM

I think anyone that makes an approach is prone to having some degree of anxiety.


I don't think anyone wants to jeopardize their self-esteem, while creating an awkward situation between themselves and an attractive stranger. And that is a potential hazard of the approach, the anxiety is justified and you can’t really avoid it. I don’t care how extroverted and confident you are as a guy, its never easy.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 60
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 9:38:37 PM
I don't think anyone wants to jeopardize their self-esteem, while creating an awkward situation between themselves and an attractive stranger. And that is a potential hazard of the approach, the anxiety is justified and you can’t really avoid it. I don’t care how extroverted and confident you are as a guy, its never easy.


Here's a trick. Women here of course are going to hate what I am about to say. Let's say you spot that super hot woman and make eye contact and she looks back. You may, have a chance, but you fear. Well, look at her flaws. She may have a boob job and you are going ga-ga. Look at her a ss. It may be flat. She may be this or that or the other.

I never was the type to go talk to her directly. If she was by the bar, I would go get a drink and then as I stand create conversation. And just remember the flaws you saw in her when you look at her next. This is crazy as sh it, but it works. Now you do not look so frighten by her, and you do not look so desperate, or drooling. You look, almost like you just tolerate her presence. This look, short circuits a lot of very attractive women. They go into the "what's wrong with me" mode and wonder why you are not drooling over her. You talk to her, but almost like "excuse me, but, blah, blah..."
I am not that good at bars, but this was something that worked for me. And suddenly she wanted to talk to me. Go figure. And you're right... it was never easy.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 61
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/11/2014 9:54:59 PM

You look, almost like you just tolerate her presence. This look, short circuits a lot of very attractive women. They go into the "what's wrong with me" mode and wonder why you are not drooling over her.
Hahah! Not rating my looks, and I hate to admit it.. but that used to get to me, lol.

And I kinda did the same. When I really liked a guy, I would practically ignore him. I didn't want to betray how I was feeling, was hoping for some interest shown from him first. Plus sometimes I was just too shy.

You know, something that hasn't been mentioned is the fact that most times, the woman makes the first move. I watched this science of sex show on it once. It's a subtle thing, but she either lets you know to come on over, or not... it's just a matter of reading and following the signs.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 62
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 3:25:10 AM
Last I checked, Life, itself is an anxiety- provoking proposition....

Fear is a FEELING and like all other feelings is ephemeral and in your own MIND....

Most women are NOT going to publicly humiliate you if a man approaches them and will probably just politely decline if they're not interested ...and if that's not the case for you and you are getting SLAMMED by women who you're approaching, then maybe YOU need to look at that....

As far as I see it, if you haven't figured out a 'plan' for handling rejection effectively by the age of 25 then you're in for a BUMPY ride in this Life, and I truly feel for you...

If you want to see what REAL fear is, I suggest you take a little sojourn down to your local hospital and check out some of the people in the waiting room of the Oncology dept. who are waiting to see if their test results are going to come back and tell them THIS time that their number is up....

It's all in the perspective...

As far as the 'games' for 'tricking' women or using Psych 101 to get the girl....well, that doesn't work if she's read the same books and taken the same course that you did, and frankly, for me, I can see that crap coming from a mile away and it leaves me COLD, and even less likely to return a man's interest...

As always, for me, being genuine and honest and direct is the only way to go, whether it's a man approaching me or vice verse...
I once ended up seeing a guy for several months who I met at a gas station....walked into the little cubicle to pay and he smelled WONDERFUL!!!
So I said, " WOW!!! You smell WONDERFUL! ...
He laughed and told me he was wearing Eternity for Men, one of my FAVES, and he wore it WELL, lol, and we chatted, exchanged cards and ended up dating.

Seems like a LOT of people complain about how 'superficial' and "me-oriented" the world is today....but so few are willing to put their GENUINE selves out there and actually RISK anything in the dating game....
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 63
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 6:06:52 AM

I'd hate to let anyone down by not making my usual comment on levels. If attraction was completely subjective, actors and actresses and models wouldn't get paid what they are worth, b/c what guarantee would there be that their looks would attract eyes to the product being sold? they earn what they earn b/c they can be guaranteed to appeal to a wide range of the public.

First of all - actors and actresses have a good amount of money and a crew to look the way they do between makeup, camera angles, lighting, wardrobe staff and personal trainers. Even at their best they don't have 100% of the opposite sex finding them attractive. If looks were not subjective I would see every guy ever cast as a romantic lead as handsome. I do not. I don't find Michael Douglas attractive at all. Never have. Your words "a wide range" basically mean "not everyone, but most".

Rhea Perlman should have told Danny Devito to pound sand and been chasing Michael Douglas around based on your observation. People like what they like. She found Danny attractive. And instead of chasing around Kathleen Turner, he chose Rhea. Shrug.

The men I think are handsome aren't guys some of my friends like - some of the men they find attractive I don't see as good looking at all. Hollywood is a larger field of the same thing as your local area. While some people attract more than others, no one is so good looking that they have a 100% approval.

And since none of us are going to be dating anyone on A list anytime soon - I don't know why we're even discussing it.

I don't think anyone wants to jeopardize their self-esteem, while creating an awkward situation between themselves and an attractive stranger. And that is a potential hazard of the approach, the anxiety is justified and you can’t really avoid it. I don’t care how extroverted and confident you are as a guy, its never easy.

I say a lot of guys see it as more important than it is and are outcome dependent - therefore they create the stress they are caused by approaching women. Self esteem? C'mon - this is dating. Some people are supposed to not be interested as part of the process. I have no idea why when it actually happens self esteem is affected.

Bottom line is if you care how it turns out, you will be anxious. The success is in the approach, not the outcome. If you want to focus on the outcome, go ahead - but expect it to be frustrating if you do it that way. That is all.

When I really liked a guy, I would practically ignore him. I didn't want to betray how I was feeling, was hoping for some interest shown from him first. Plus sometimes I was just too shy.

I did this once - tried too hard to act like I didn't care. What I did was cause a guy who liked me and I liked a lot a good amount of grief and set off a dynamic where he was never sure of my intention and I was never sure of his because we both got our noses bent. And I absolutely started the whole thing by not wanting to seem to eager, too interested, too whatever. We've since talked about it years later....funny how hindsight is 20/20. Ah, youth.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 64
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 6:09:46 AM
Msg. #1:

I don't think there is such thing as Men Approach Anxiety , if a man doesn't enterested on a woman, he is like a horse
that you can lead him to a water trough but you can't make him drink if he doesn't want to drink.
As a woman , I don't appreciate weakness even on me what more of a man ?

I would like to share my experienced ,me and friend were in a bar and we shared a table with this pretty aggressive woman , to make a story short , she said to us don't be timid, you can get any man you want >> she a called young good looking guy pulled a polite conversation then exit and so the rest of men did the same. Then she told us about her 3 divorces ,and the boyfriend is trying to kill her ect . ect. she was very drunk ..The moral of my story is a man is a man but a woman is a woman.. I guessed a man can take a million rejections but not a woman.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 65
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 6:30:44 AM

Here's a trick. Women here of course are going to hate what I am about to say.


I've always used the bar method myself, though its been a while since I've had to consider dating. I stopped drinking because it screws my medication up. Sucks too, because sometimes a few beers really help to depress anxiety. And yeah, reading body language is paramount. I've always found being in shape really helps, hahah.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 66
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 6:57:02 AM

You know, something that hasn't been mentioned is the fact that most times, the woman makes the first move. I watched this science of sex show on it once. It's a subtle thing, but she either lets you know to come on over, or not... it's just a matter of reading and following the signs.


Oh my god, this is an awesome statement Shakti. So true. If I look back at most my relationships or even conquest, I can trace that point where the woman, showed some interest and stablished eye contact. I find it even true to online dating. In many sites, it shows you the people that have looked at your profile and most of the ones that I ended up in a relationship had looked at my profile and later on after we met said that they had wished I contacted them. Well, I did. I contacted them, but they had started with the spark.
 Onyxbutterflies90
Joined: 10/14/2014
Msg: 67
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women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 8:58:04 AM

+1
I have to agree with you there. Whenever I ask out a woman who is lower on the ladder, and she declines, I have exactly the same reaction. “Whhaaat?” Whenever I’m shot down by a woman who is clearly higher on the ladder, at least I know why.


This is what irks me when men get upset that I'm not interested in them. My guess is that they assumed they were doing me a favor and are upset I don't see it the same way. I don't see how their view of me has anything to do with my view of them. You're just increasing your chances by going below you, not guaranteeing them. Not you specifically who I'm quoting, just the general "you" of people who widen their range.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 68
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 9:21:54 AM
True, Rhea Perlman is with Danny Devito--but she ain't Kathleen Turner or Catherine Zeta Jones, either :) Generally, those who may not attract with looks, focus on what they have (inside) and work along those lines. a person who offers more in personality, may seek a relationship that is more about personality (I suspect RP shares more personality with DD than with MD, and MD shares more with his wife than RP). Those who think looks are the trump card (likely based on the experiences their looks get them), may be shallow, and find shallow relationships based on looks being the trump card, as a result.

What you believe is important, what you believe life is all about...might determine what you eventually find attractive. And part of where you get your idea of what's important, may be what life shows you and doesn't show others, or it may be the parents you got your looks from--ie, what you see them doing at home.

Yes, there are men, and some women, who date for acknowledgement of their value. So, a "no" is a shoot-down for them. If one focuses on the outcome, there shall be anxiety. but if one's flippant about the outcome, as we can see, it will come off as a smooth player to some recipients, and turn into auto-fail.

Ignoring a person you're interested in, works when they are interested. I got my first gf that way by accident--she was skinny, flatchested as a boy, and while she looked pretty, she wasn't someone I could imagine in bed b/c I like curves. Which made her ignore guys throwing themselves at her, to eventually beg me to go out with her. She was also incredibly insecure from childhood abuse. At my last occupation, there was a woman with similar build, everyone was ga-ga about her, and I was lukewarm. Didn't ignore her, we shared a love for the sensual, but she knew I was hot for women other than her, and by not being the guy twirled around her finger, she MAY have been interested in a date if she wasn't engaged.

so, yeah, I will recommend it. My problem is I can only do with women who don't turn me on :) Someone puts a tickle in my pickle, and I want to enjoy the feeling. And if she's not interested in me, ignoring her is a relief for her :) So you can't push the ignore too much, you do want to be the person who is the question mark. Everyone loves a little suspense and mystery. the coworker I mentioned above, she knew very well the hottest fellow there was interested in her, he couldn't contain himself. She confessed in a backhanded way, that made him less of a challenge, more like every other guy.

There are plenty of times where a woman looks over at a guy, and he thinks, "hmm" and the chase is on. I also have friends who go jogging in their sports bra with headphones on, to have as an excuse to avoid getting hit on. Some guys just don't wait for a hint--they see, they pursue, even if she's staring at the deck. some fellows are a little too active in the game.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 69
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 10:08:18 AM
No issues. If there is a woman I'm attracted to, I will just start a conversation with her ...or get in a position to talk to her.

I never think of any 'leagues'. Women like confidence and this, along with respect, humour, intelligence will trump any hierarchy.

Also, agree with Shakti above. A woman will often look at me, smile. It's fleeting. She will not look again in any obvious way. As if she is saying it's ok to approach but at the same time she is maintaining a degree of modesty.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 70
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 1:32:51 PM
I often start up conversations with guys I am interested in. I approach it from neutral ground. No expectations (as I have mentioned before here in LA its almost always a dead end), so there is no pressure. It doesnt matter what he thinks or if he wants to talk. Either it happens or it doesnt. It's just an experiment to me. Let's go over, start up a chat, if it goes well, give him my card..be cool, be friendly, be funny..it's all just a neutral, no expectations thing going on. I've always been proactive with men. I've never expected them to come to me. And today there is even less of a chance as so many men in LA are almost always staring at their celphones and have to be practically smacked to get them to look up. Almost all venues to approach people are gone now..grocery store lines, elevators, anywhere there is a short little moment to connect, the celphones are out.

I would LOVE for a man to start chit chatting..I love it. Love it. Never feel offended or put off. It is so rare these days for anyone to even smile at you, just a little kind word and attention from a man makes my whole day.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 71
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 3:00:19 PM

volkanoking wrote:

I approach it from neutral ground. No expectations


Actually, from my perspective, I do the same thing. When I was young, I had AA, but after being rejected so much, you get so used to it, that you just go with it, and I never even give it a thought anymore.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 72
women don't care about Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 3:56:38 PM
By lower on the ladder you mean lower status, i.e. financially. Just because you may earn more than she, doesn't mean she is going to want you. That is just narrow thinking.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 73
women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/12/2014 4:33:39 PM
Msg. 75:
Actually, from my perspective, I do the same thing. When I was young, I had AA, but after being rejected so much, you get so used to it, that you just go with it, and I never even give it a thought anymore.


Don’t you have any friends who could introduce you to a woman? Do you have any female friends, sisters, anybody? If one of my brothers was single I’d introduce him around, it’s not like going on a date is some big taboo, but maybe it is for you?
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 74
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/13/2014 10:08:17 AM

Why isn't it fair? Women should never reject you because you didn't know ahead of time that would happen? Of course you don't know what they're thinking. That's why you have to "man up" (I hate that phrase but there it is) and approach a woman you're interested in. Or you don't have to, but that way you'll never find out one way or the other. So what if you get turned down? She's not the last single woman on the planet.




That's not what I'm saying at all, I don't care if I'm rejected nor do I think every girl has to accept my advances. It sounds like I'm whining but I'm not, it's an observation. It's like setting someone up for failure. It's almost one of those cliche "Grab the brass ring" saying meanwhile the person is standing on a 15 feet ladder dangling the ring on a string and yanking it back as the other guy gets closer.

I'm not a pick up artist, that's not me at all. I can pick up on social cues....sometimes but I'm not a mind reader either. Some girls just expect you to know that you're interested in them without any hints whatsoever and even then it's a state of mind that I'm then. Am I feeling confident that day? Am I down? Again I don't want to come across as whining, just an observation I have. I hear contradictions from both men and women and I think to myself "that doesn't make much sense" that's why I don't subscribe to one method.
 PopCultureGeek
Joined: 11/27/2016
Msg: 75
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/4/2016 12:12:16 AM
world is not always sunshine and rainbows OP, gotta deal with it
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