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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?      Home login  
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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 101
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl Page 5 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Apparently its a sports fan reference? That being let down becomes normal, its the close games that hurt? I can get the sentiment. I guess its why I wait until I know I have a safe bet. Like a new squeal from my truck, its either a belt or its something expensive. The next few days will be in the twenty degree range, so i'm waiting until the weekend to swap the belt to find out, when its supposed to be rainy and near 40. Will a belt change get rid of the squeal? it sure would be nice, but i'm trying not to get excited until its a done deal.

for some reason, when I feel like I have a sure thing, it seems to be certain to collapse. When I feel like I don't have the answer, it turns out I do. But that's probably something for the premonition thread in Off Matters. Or Off Topic. or is it Off People?

Ironically, there are times a woman declares, "you aren't getting that" and she's really just s-testing you to see how you react. I suspect the times she declares it and isn't looking you in the eye for a response, she really does mean it. Ah, women are so complicated. Men are straightforward, we never are confusing.

sorry to hear walts shot his toe while not aiming for his moon. Hope he was able to fetch a toe-truck.
 2ufo2
Joined: 8/29/2016
Msg: 102
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/14/2016 9:42:53 PM

Men are straightforward, we never are confusing.


ROFPOFLMAO... Shirley, you didn't say that with a straight face.

:-)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 103
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/15/2016 8:01:51 AM
Hey, my face is very hetero....didn't you get the memo, men only have one thing on the brain :)
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 104
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History
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/16/2016 11:26:13 AM

If L had more of her personality together, i'd be in bigger trouble--God help me I come across one of those women :) They never say yes. I guess my situation is a question of, "is wasting spare time, really a waste of time?" Not to sound like an 80 yr old man, but having a pretty face across the table is nice, and since its typically a Sunday when her daughter is to come home from her father's, there's a time restraint so we don't really run out of things to say (but doggone it, she's one of those quiet talkers. The hubbub in a restaurant can drown her out, so I have to guess what she's talking about sometimes. Which is better brain exercise than Sudoku puzzles, I guess :) ).


There's really only one way to know if it's good or bad. If it puts you in the frame of you chasing women you can't get and not feeling good enough, you're spending time reinforcing negative thought patterns. If you're spending time with people that feed your healthy emotions, then it's time well spent. You don't want spending time with her to ruin your frame with other women.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 105
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/16/2016 11:51:45 AM
true, but there aren't any other women--i'm retired, its winter, I don't get out as much as other people do right now. Which is a nice thing when single, I don't get reminded of what I miss out on. I enjoy what I have instead. For certain, tho, its best to be around people who feel healthy emotions. Chasing after someone who makes me jealous or is just a trophy acquition or its schadenfreude or whatever else, that's not a good chase sequence.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 106
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/16/2016 4:30:59 PM
Speaking generally (and not about what's going on in my life), I get that many women want to feel comfortable with a potential lover. We all tend to trust body language over spoken, our body can say more about us faster than our mouth can move. If a lad approaches a woman nervously and uses a canned line that suggests he's confident....which message will she accept, the spoken or unspoken one? She's going to feel uncomfortable with a bullshitter. But if a fellow comes up with some semblance of confidence, maybe even just says hi but he seems to be the type of fellow who's unbidden and is willing to put his neck out...she might just wonder, what's the rest of his life like? He seems to be a participant in life, not an observer waiting for things to come to him on a silver platter.

There's plenty more opportunities for him to muck things up, but he's got a foot in the door. Unless she knows quite well what she wants and he just ain't it (too old, too fat, whatever). If she wants to feel good around this man, first she must feel comfortable around this man. nothing can be fake. If he's just standing there like Poindexter, she may decide its easier to not bother opening him up to see if he is The One. Approaching may be a first test we have to pass....do we have the guts to approach her? if so, then maybe we have the guts to do other things, too.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 107
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History
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/17/2016 4:12:00 PM
An interesting post there, gto. But I’m going to disagree with parts of it.

Yes, you need to have the courage to approach. Not many women are fond of timid men. But I’m not so sure that “comfortable” is such a good thing.

With women my age, who are retired and looking for someone to spend the rest of their days with, yes, comfortable is probably the key component. For women a little younger, in their 50’s, just getting out of a long marriage and looking to have some fun – no, comfortable is not what they want. They just spent 25 years raising kids, and watching TV, and going to PTA meetings, and …

Now they want someone who will get out of the house, take them dancing, do something a little bit … different, out of the ordinary, maybe even “racy”. Exciting, at least a little. Not necessarily dangerous, but not comfortable either.

Me, I’m looking for those women who want to have some fun. But they usually aren’t looking for me (see your comment about “too old, too fat, whatever”).
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 108
To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/17/2016 5:12:34 PM
k, so there is a group of older guys who meet up and have coffee at a place I go. I like Rick and today he and who can't be named ask me to join them. Didn't want to to but Rick has been kind.
So to make small talk I was asking about Christmas
and the weird guy spent wayyyyyyyyyy too much time talking about how he doesn't eat Turkey because it makes him gassy
I was wtf.. can see why you striking out with the honies.
No one wants to know, nor that you save the bones and make soup LOL
So idk, men of a certain age just seem to lose filters re appropriate convo.
Rick was laughing so hard he got up to get us more coffee. I was tasked to another 19 minutes of turkey tales
But he told me he is lonely
Prolly cause of the gas
chesseandcrackers
Place makes great scrambled eggs, going miss it
I'm sure he has some weird growth stories to share
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 109
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History
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/18/2016 8:11:07 PM
GTO
Speaking generally (and not about what's going on in my life), I get that many women want to feel comfortable with a potential lover.

I think in terms of wanting to feel attracted.


We all tend to trust body language over spoken, our body can say more about us faster than our mouth can move. If a lad approaches a woman nervously and uses a canned line that suggests he's confident....which message will she accept, the spoken or unspoken one? She's going to feel uncomfortable with a bullshitter.

Agreed re body language vs words. But what matters is whether or not I find him attractive. I do not care if a man is nervous if I find him attractive. I also do not think a man who is nervous is a bullshitter.


But if a fellow comes up with some semblance of confidence, maybe even just says hi but he seems to be the type of fellow who's unbidden and is willing to put his neck out...she might just wonder, what's the rest of his life like? He seems to be a participant in life, not an observer waiting for things to come to him on a silver platter.

By the same token as above, I do not care if a man is confident if I do not find him attractive.


There's plenty more opportunities for him to muck things up, but he's got a foot in the door.

Confidence is not a foot in the door for me.


Unless she knows quite well what she wants and he just ain't it (too old, too fat, whatever).

Yes, this is it. Is he attractive? If a hottie has approach anxiety, he is still a hottie.


If she wants to feel good around this man, first she must feel comfortable around this man. nothing can be fake. If he's just standing there like Poindexter, she may decide its easier to not bother opening him up to see if he is The One.

I think by fake and Poindexter you are referring to nervousness/lack of confidence, and as above, that is not a make-or-break thing for me.


Approaching may be a first test we have to pass....do we have the guts to approach her? if so, then maybe we have the guts to do other things, too.

While I appreciate when a man approaches me, I do not think anxiety/nervousness when approaching a woman necessarily indicates a lack of confidence in other areas. A man who is nervous when approaching a woman might relax/warm up once a conversation gets going, and he might be confident in other areas, such as his work, for example.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 110
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Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/18/2016 9:16:04 PM

ouija2025
So to make small talk I was asking about Christmas
and the weird guy spent wayyyyyyyyyy too much time talking about how he doesn't eat Turkey because it makes him gassy
I was wtf.. can see why you striking out with the honies.

So idk, men of a certain age just seem to lose filters re appropriate convo.

There’s a guy who sometimes attends our meetups who pretty much matches what you’re saying. So yes, it exists. But I don’t see it as all that common, at least not where I go, and the people I hang out with.

You’re right though, best to avoid if you can.


sun___flower
I think in terms of wanting to feel attracted.


But what matters is whether or not I find him attractive. I do not care if a man is nervous if I find him attractive.


Yes, this is it. Is he attractive? If a hottie has approach anxiety, he is still a hottie.


I do believe I’m beginning to see a pattern here. So tell us the truth, and don’t spare our feelings: Does attractiveness matter to you in a man???

This afternoon I was at an open house / Christmas Party / Meetup. A woman latched on to my arm and started talking, no idea why she chose me. She was fairly attractive, and (as it turned out) very intelligent, sharp witted, and a bit of a wiseass (which I actually like).

After nearly two hours of non-stop conversation, she headed out to go home. I told her straight out that I wanted to see more of her, and I got a very definite “Maybe”. So … fingers crossed. Sometimes a good thing just falls in your lap!

My initial impression wasn’t great, she is not the type I would normally chase down the street like a little dog chasing a car. But after 2 hours of really good conversation, yes, I would definitely chase her down the street. And that’s something you just cannot do online. Sorry, it aint never gonna happen that you can transform “fairly attractive but not my type” into “I would definitely chase her down the street”.


Not online. That requires face time.
 PopCultureGeek
Joined: 11/27/2016
Msg: 111
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Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/19/2016 12:53:24 AM
the way i see it, it's a powerful quote and many agree with it, the quote is "women are born, men are made"
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 112
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/19/2016 5:19:48 AM
^the quote is "women are born, men are made"

I guess that would go against what some religious people feel, who believe in the story of Adam and Eve. The story where Adam was somehow plopped on Earth, he got bored one day, so he decided to remove a rib, and the rib turned into a woman. And that was the beginning of human life on the planet. I wonder who came up with their names when there was nobody else around, and why are they Anglo sounding names?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 113
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/19/2016 5:29:45 AM
Adam and Lilith were created same time so he was never alone and bored. She was too headstrong so she was booted from Eden and Eve was created.
IDK re the names, maybe kinda like NG and his naming folks :/

Henry - I do think it is an older thing, yapping about personal stuff. He is a widow, prolly used to telling his wife all the foods that make him gassy.
 MarsWarGod
Joined: 9/9/2016
Msg: 114
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/19/2016 6:02:38 AM

I know there's anxiety - I just think it's silly. Women are just....people. Men need to care less about how it turns out and care more that they don't regret not saying anything.

A lot of my friends feel this way, yeah. It's not a big deal - what could happen? She says no thanks? So? It's all about what you fear more - the regret of not asking or the outcome of asking?


I think men fear the outcome of asking, since getting shot down is practically a guarantee on POF. The regret of not asking implies the possibility of success if acted upon, which seems to be an uncommon event around here. I think this might speak more to the damage that [B]constant[/B] rejection from females does to the male self-esteem. Imagine getting kicked in the nuts every time a guy asks out a woman and isn't successful? Unfortunately, too much rejection makes some men too fearful to take a chance. Too many loses and little to no wins to balance them out.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 115
so what happened to Walt's toe?
Posted: 12/19/2016 7:18:21 AM
I get your point Henry, about the older ladies wanting to get out of the house they've been stuck in for decades. I suspect a common issue with husbands is they forget to take their wives out on a date, after years of marriage and routines created for childrearing. Of course, its not just old divorces--back in my college days, I was dating a "homebody" the same age, and didn't have a car, I would walk from my apartment to the college campus, and come home weekends and borrow my mother's car to go out on dates with the lady Friday and Saturday night. My date complained after a while we weren't going out as much but spending more time at my place (no roomates), she realized I was paying all my expenses and college but WTF. I explained that she always fell asleep on my shoulder by 9pm unless we were at my place having sex, so I wasn't enthused about paying to have her sleep and then try to sleep in the car on the way home. She agreed with that, and I offered she could drive up during the week, we'd go to concerts/comedy shows/plays/events at college, and she could sleep over at my place and drive to work the next day.

she didn't take me up on the offer (probably guessed there was an intent :) ), but I get the point--who doesn't want to go out and have a story to tell at work the next day? I enjoyed doing it when I went out on my own. When I said "feeling comfortable", I was referring to not being around someone like Mr. Gas. He strikes me as one of those who's lived alone for too long, and lost a sense of TMI. I worked with a female coworker nearing retirement age, and a hypochondriac to boot. I got to learn a lot about female anatomy without wanting to. But to return to the issue, when a lady comes here and posts about a date who only wants to use her for sex, I figure what she's expressing is...discomfort. If you want to leave someone's company as fast as you can, or you wish they'd get off of one subject, i'd say that's discomfort. Do we have sex with people who make us feel creeped out or otherwise uncomfortable? I think those with options, don't choose the uncomfortable ones.

Can we be friends with someone who doesn't share our sexual proclivities? I think that's totally possible. We can be friends with people we disagree with politically. But will we get naked with a body shamer? Will we have sex with someone who's quick to label people sluts? we want to be accepted as who we are and what we are. If we believe in social graces, do we wish to date or be seen by our friends nuzzling Mr. Gas at a party? I suspect we let our friends get away with more things than we do our lovers, that there is a different bond. We don't have to trust our friends to not pass on an STD.

We may, however, have sex with an attractive person we'd never have as a friend. We may decide we need to trust our friends to be loyal, but not our lovers. I think it depends on what we look for in a relationship, and that's based on what we need to get out of a relationship--does it have to be love, or can it just be sex and romantic intimacy? Pyschcology Today had an article on couples where one spouse was noticeably more attractive than the other. Typically, these were couples who were friends long before they had sex. Some of us enter relationships by being friends first, and others will spot a hottie and move into a physical relationship, and get to know the person and either move to someone else or like what they see and stick together. I don't think one is right and the other is wrong, we approach goals in life differently and what's important is do we reach satisfaction without stepping on others or not.

I've had female friends who didn't want me as a lover and were happy to have a lover who wasn't a friend...b/c I played that role. I've known women who wanted to have both in a man. Different strokes, different folks.

"women are born, men are made"

>>I suppose that made sense in times past, when people thought that men needed to know everything about bringing home the bacon, women needed merely know how to cook it. Or it suggests men are born tabula rosa, women are more naturally social creatures and burdened with less ego/machismo.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 116
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History
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/19/2016 2:28:25 PM
Henry
I do believe I’m beginning to see a pattern here. So tell us the truth, and don’t spare our feelings: Does attractiveness matter to you in a man???

Hee. You're picking up what I'm putting down. :-P

GTO
When I said "feeling comfortable", I was referring to not being around someone like Mr. Gas.

Ah. I thought you were talking about a man's level of confidence when approaching a woman, not about his personality/character.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 117
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/19/2016 3:21:18 PM
Lots of gals expecting an Eat, Prey and Love experience after a boring marriage. No 2nd date for them
 boatbob2q
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 118
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women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?
Posted: 12/20/2016 2:17:25 PM
Talking about jump school at Benning,1959,I had a guy next to me,that was a candy ass****I had a piece of parachute silk,just as we got to the door,I showed him the silk,and I told him I cut it off his chute,and this was his last jump,when we got to the door I pushed him out,I swear,his chute opened,and he ran all the way to the ground ,and quit jump school,I still laugh about that one.
 boatbob2q
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 119
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To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/20/2016 2:19:54 PM
I wouldve replied,Im sure glad you said you werent going home with me,because I was thinking on how ,to tell you,in a nice way,That you werent going home with me.
 boatbob2q
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 120
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so what happened to Walt's toe?
Posted: 12/20/2016 2:34:19 PM
Its been my experience,that the older Ladies,are looking for a good catch,nice house,nice car,lots of money,wears suits,and will kiss their asses. Me,I have great retirement income,9 cars ( 5 are hot rods) ,single,60 acres,nice house,EVERYTHING paid for (thanks to 30 years,of working my ass off) I dont wear suits,PERIOD,when I go to pick a Lady up, Im dressed decent,clean shaven,smell good,drive one of my older cars,wear my timex watch, take her to a decent restaurant for dinner,( not a high class joint,then I get those sideways looks,and then I see that shes thinking," how the hell,did I end up with this bum" Im trying not to laugh,cause Im reading her just like a book,someday,I'll meet a Lady,thats not looking for a sugar daddy,(though not much chance)
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 121
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/22/2016 6:14:53 PM

Lots of gals expecting an Eat, Prey and Love experience after a boring marriage. No 2nd date for them

What exactly does this mean?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 122
Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/23/2016 6:25:21 AM
gosh, look who's come home for the holidays :) anyhoo, I guess what is meant is this?

"A married woman realizes how unhappy her marriage really is, and that her life needs to go in a different direction. After a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey to "find herself". "

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0879870/

I suppose the suggestion is, a fellow looking for a date, is confronted with the challenge of being everything she isn't bringing to the table? I can say, back at university I dated a lass who thought that relationships should be everything she read about in romance novels. Her roommate would explain to her that she was lucky it wasn't some drunken hookup, that it wasn't easy to do romantic get away trips on a student budget and while studying for midterms, and basically, one has to accept limitations of a scenario and accept what is.

so I guess I can understand a fellow wanting a date, but getting a laundry list instead. on the flip side, best to learn these expectations on the first date. it is nice to date an adult who already knows where they are going, not someone hoping we are their destined travel guide. That, unfortunately, can be a recipe for getting victimized (Again?) by a control freak looking for a weak mind to pull a Jedi trick upon.
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 123
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Approach Anxiety
Posted: 12/23/2016 9:16:19 PM

After nearly two hours of non-stop conversation, she headed out to go home. I told her straight out that I wanted to see more of her, and I got a very definite “Maybe”. So … fingers crossed.


I hear 'No'. It's an older post so maybe there is a positive update downstream. But someone spends two apparently good hours with me and then sez 'Maybe' I hear 'No'.

Someone spends two apparently good hours with me and then sez 'Yes! Absolutely! Next week! I'm looking forward to it!' I usually never see them again.

Collecting first dates like Hummels.
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 124
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To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/28/2016 8:13:58 PM

What I usually say is that it beats the hell out of sitting home watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island, by yourself.


Oh! Those poor people!
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 125
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To paraphrase Madonna, living in a grey area world, b/c i'm a grey area girl
Posted: 12/29/2016 8:03:34 AM

from my original post
After nearly two hours of non-stop conversation, she headed out to go home. I told her straight out that I wanted to see more of her, and I got a very definite “Maybe”. So … fingers crossed.


Seki1949
I hear 'No'. It's an older post so maybe there is a positive update downstream. But someone spends two apparently good hours with me and then sez 'Maybe' I hear 'No'.

Someone spends two apparently good hours with me and then sez 'Yes! Absolutely! Next week! I'm looking forward to it!' I usually never see them again.


Ahh, but you have to go back to something else I said while talking about her, and meeting her:


She was fairly attractive, and (as it turned out) very intelligent, sharp witted, and a bit of a wiseass (which I actually like).


A woman who is very good at repartee is very seldom going to say, “'Yes! Absolutely! Next week! I'm looking forward to it!” It’s all a part of the game, and I enjoy the game, especially with someone who is good at it, and I find attractive.

When she said that, “Maybe”, she put a little twist in her voice, and gave me a little smile that put butterflies in my stomach. I have talked to her since, she is in California for the holidays, and we’re discussing when and how we will get together next week.


gtomustang
I suppose the suggestion is, a fellow looking for a date, is confronted with the challenge of being everything she isn't bringing to the table? I can say, back at university I dated a lass who thought that relationships should be everything she read about in romance novels. Her roommate would explain to her that she was lucky it wasn't some drunken hookup, that it wasn't easy to do romantic get away trips on a student budget and while studying for midterms, and basically, one has to accept limitations of a scenario and accept what is.

I am reminded of the scene in the Jack Nicholson movie, “As Good As It Gets”


Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!

Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > women don't appreciate Approach Anxiety?