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 TALL_IQ2
Joined: 12/22/2014
Msg: 726
The Coffee DatePage 30 of 32    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
"spend the next hour having uncomfortable dinner conversations."

Save the guy some time and trouble by showing your true self instead of trying to be someone else. Like a hair model.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 727
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 2:19:23 AM

I think the pen-pals first game should be understood, by those who roll that way, that it is an outsider's perspective that is Not Better, but in fact objectively not ideal, but to oneself, where they feel most comfortable at and that's just the way they are, etc.
It's difficult, with the awkward sentence structure.. to glean what it is you mean here. But from what I've pieced together, it seems fairly obvious that we all have different ways of going about things.

Having that innate understanding as well as respect for those who differ, while simultaneously respecting your own boundaries can make for healthy dating scenarios.
 i8pineapple
Joined: 6/20/2014
Msg: 728
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 2:35:29 AM
Yeah, tineye looks interesting, but right-click search google images works a treat too...
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 729
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 1:31:11 PM

It's difficult, with the awkward sentence structure.. to glean what it is you mean here.

Awkward sentence structure? Yes. Difficult to glean? Ehh, not really. I'll say it more clearly: For those who roll the way of the pen-pal, they should understand, objectively speaking, that it's Not Better. In fact, it's not objectively ideal. Instead it's more Comfortable for they themselves, and that's it. The pen-paler should at least understand that, for their position to be Respected.

But from what I've pieced together, it seems fairly obvious that we all have different ways of going about things.

True. I think the rightful disrespect on some level that can be had toward particular pen-palers, is when they see it as Better... and don't realize that it's Not Better, or even technically as good -- but that's just how they roll, for better or worse.

Here, let's take this example: Say we're friends IRL (even though ya hate me - lol), and we both have a friend named Frank. Frank likes to meet a gal The Day Of bantering with a gal off POF, back-n-forth. If she's not game to such a notion, he ends up losing interest almost every time. Now, you and I know we operate differently -- but we both raise an eyebrow to Frank's ways, right? Sure, there are positives to the way he rolls, as with many other ways one can roll, but overall -- it's not ideal. That's not a mere opinion, it's just fact. His method is unnecessary. At LEAST he should understand it's not ideal. As long as he understands that, coupled the "this is where I feel more comfortable" -- fine. But if he turns to us and says "No, this IS, by and large, The Ideal way -- it's not just some taste issue," I wouldn't be the only one who would lose some respect for him. Again, as long as he understood that it's Not Ideal, then everything's generally OK as far as the level of respect's concerned.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 730
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 1:43:20 PM
Lol but what is ideal??

If two people meet and hit it off, isn't that the ultimate goal? How you get there doesn't really matter if it works for both of you.

I've had guys say that they like to meet quickly, and I let them know that I respect that, but it's not my thing, it takes me a bit to decide if I want to meet someone. It isn't that I have some social phobia or am worried that they are a mass murderer necessarily.. it's that I need to establish some sort of mental connection first. Otherwise for me it is pointless. Many of them decide to move along.. no biggie.. but then they always come back again. Lol. Had they stuck it out to see if there was a mental connection, maybe we would have met. But they went with the quick results and got what they 'paid' for.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 731
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 2:40:02 PM

Lol but what is ideal??

It varies from situation to situation to Some degree -- and there isn't necessarily ONE "ideal" way down to a tee, no. But it certainly isn't going the way of the pen-paler if they live in the same general area, that's for sure.

If two people meet and hit it off, isn't that the ultimate goal?

That part certainly isn't accomplished being pen-pals. ;)

How you get there doesn't really matter if it works for both of you.

I pretty much agree, however not entirely. In another thread we talked about this, and I may have brought this up: In college I had a friend in the early Internet days get on Yah-oo Personals. He chatted with this gal for hours every day for eons, even though she lived a half mile away. No picture exchange (it's the 90s). So finally when they meet, his friends and her friends, they did Not like each other right off the bat. Now, let's say they did and they were like peas & carrots. I would STILL say that was Foolish, as it was completely unnecessary. I'm not splitting hairs when I say this -- and most people realize it is after they do it -- but going SO LONG without meeting provided no advantages, and only increased the chances of it falling thru, once it's past a certain point. We're not talking about meeting after 5-7 days VS 2 weeks here. We're talking in terms of months.

it's that I need to establish some sort of mental connection first

I understand. But people don't need a month+ of pen-paling for that to happen, is my point. It then goes beyond that, and then is all about Comfort Zone. Say someone living in your city didn't want to show a picture until you talked for 2 months. And say they wouldn't want to meet until they had a special connection for 2 years. Objectively speaking, outside of tastes -- that's wack. :) Just because it fits said person's tastes does not mean it's objectively just as fine as any method.
 i8pineapple
Joined: 6/20/2014
Msg: 732
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/25/2015 2:59:13 PM
Women are only after sex and money, but that sounds terrible and so they say coffee instead.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 733
view profile
History
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/26/2015 2:29:57 PM

I've had guys say that they like to meet quickly, and I let them know that I respect that, but it's not my thing, it takes me a bit to decide if I want to meet someone. It isn't that I have some social phobia or am worried that they are a mass murderer necessarily.. it's that I need to establish some sort of mental connection first. Otherwise for me it is pointless. Many of them decide to move along.. no biggie.. but then they always come back again. Lol. Had they stuck it out to see if there was a mental connection, maybe we would have met. But they went with the quick results and got what they 'paid' for.

I have a similar view, and experience, as a guy concerning women. Too many need to meet even before any talking online at all. Their hokey reason is that they can tell how things will go with a meeting. That's fine...except that you can do so much with phone or online talk first - I can't count how many were WAY off being compatible in any way at all, and I would've wasted a LOT of scheduling and driving around for all of those first meets. No matter how necessary it is to just plain see someone in person, it's also very important to know the things that you can easily learn by the pre-meeting chats. I not only want to exchange some initial chat via phone or online and find out those things which are just as important as the first meet, but I want a woman who has the sense to understand this in the first place and be capable of doing that.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 734
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/26/2015 8:22:43 PM
drinkthesunwithmyface-I agree. If you talk ahead of time, you a least form some type of mental connection.
Honestly, when people push for a meet and greet right away, with no talking on the phone first, they might as well say "I want to see what you look like" or "I hope I'll get laid". :D
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 735
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/26/2015 10:05:32 PM

I have a similar view, and experience, as a guy concerning women. Too many need to meet even before any talking online at all.

I agree, but that's not a similar view to what she said, really. That's not what the argument was about. There's a Vast difference between pen-paling for 1+ months (assuming avidly) VS "let's not talk, let's meet!". Heck, even most people on Tinder aren't going to meet that fast (although you'll more likely find such folk there vs others).

Their hokey reason is that they can tell how things will go with a meeting.

You can, but you don't want to waste your time with someone you could have realized that you don't banter well with, weed out, etc., that can be done without having to drive 15 minutes to meet up.

I can't count how many were WAY off being compatible in any way at all, and I would've wasted a LOT of scheduling and driving around for all of those first meets.

Yeah, I agree. Again, we're still talking about the Extreme-Hasty "meet even before any talking online at all" -- not the Unnecessarily-Holding-Off "let's be pen-pals for a good while before meeting". :)

And I'm not being picky. Many times when ya banter for a while, getting to know each other -- you can't meet in 24 hours within bringing up the concept of meeting anyway, due to conflicting schedules, availability, etc.

My raised eye-brow is when folks Purposely play pen-pal for a good while. Pen-paling goes well beyond pre-meeting chats, getting a feel for one another, banter, & weeding.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 736
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 4:26:17 AM


Honestly, when people push for a meet and greet right away, with no talking on the phone first, they might as well say "I want to see what you look like" or "I hope I'll get laid". :D


Don't know how long you have been online dating Bamagrl but I have been on enough meetups that I have been burnt by inaccurate pictures and descriptions several times. So yes "I want to see what you look like", do have enough of a sense of adventure to go on blind dates. Grin
When I contact someone on POF it is with the intent of dating them and yes I am shallow enough that there has to a sufficient degree of physical attraction to ask for a first date or more.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 737
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 8:01:47 AM
I have never had one work out. I have a feeling a lot of coffee dates are scheduled by serial daters.

I have a coffee date tomorrow that I am thinking about canceling.

I came back December 29th 2014 to POF and I'm already burned out.

To me it's like kicking a dead horse.

There is a price to pay for seeing red flags and establishing healthy boundaries. Almost all of the guys who contact me have a sad story to tell me. These guys don't realize that spilling their guts and telling a stranger everything on the first meeting is a big mistake.

I have a habit of;

run, run, run, as fast as I can,
you can't catch me I'm the ginger bread man.

I love the forums. I love intelligent conversations. It's really interesting to read other people's point of view.

Some people love coffee dates. I enjoy my comfort zone by having coffee with family, friends, and neighbors.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 738
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 8:54:25 AM

I have never had one work out. I have a feeling a lot of coffee dates are scheduled by serial daters.


The problem with coffee dates is a lot of people are expecting to find their perfect life partner-their fairy tale Prince Charming/Cinderella-at these first meets, and if it doesn't work out that way, it was a total waste of time and they were swindled out of a fairy tale life. Maybe what you consider a serial dater could be someone who will go on multiple first meets until he finds the One-looking for that needle in a hay stack. First meets are not intended to be immediate marriage proposals.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 739
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:10:37 AM
If I ever had to do OLD again, I'd have to adapt my mindset 1st to be flexible.

Some things are just unacceptable, like tardiness, misrepresentation, etc.

Men who spill their guts right up front are not ready for a serious relationship & are using OLD as free therapy (IMO)
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 740
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:11:45 AM
The last one was a school teacher, he showed up with an empty Starbucks paper cup so he wouldn't have to purchase a cup of coffee. His profile said 5'9' and was 5'2". He bragged about himself for an hour and a half. He never asked me anything about myself. He sent a text the morning asking if I saw fireworks when I saw him.

The one before him was married.

The one before that embarrassed me.

I have every right to feel the way I do.

I'm not looking for Prince Charming. I'm not foolish and immature. If I were I would have said yes to the emotionally unhealthy guys that have tried to pursue me.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 741
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:21:23 AM
lifeisgrand5...

His profile said 5'9' and was 5'2". 


So he came up a bit short, huh?

Did he really think he could pull this off and nobody would notice?

Lauren, I wish I could have seen the look on your face when he showed up...priceless!
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 742
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:24:15 AM

The last one was a school teacher, he showed up with an empty Starbucks paper cup so he wouldn't have to purchase a cup of coffee. His profile said 5'9' and was 5'2". He bragged about himself for an hour and a half. He never asked me anything about myself. He sent a text the morning asking if I saw fireworks when I saw him.
Sounds cheap & narcissisitic.


The one before him was married.
ouch


The one before that embarrassed me.
not nice, is it post-worthy? (the story of what he did?)


I have every right to feel the way I do.
X 10


I'm not looking for Prince Charming. I'm not foolish and immature. If I were I would have said yes to the emotionally unhealthy guys that have tried to pursue me.
You have every right to want the type of man u desire, including Prince. We all know that all saying about frogs...sadly, you met the toadiest of frogs 1st, sigh...
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 743
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:54:52 AM

The problem with coffee dates is a lot of people are expecting to find their perfect life partner-their fairy tale Prince Charming/Cinderella-at these first meets, and if it doesn't work out that way, it was a total waste of time and they were swindled out of a fairy tale life.

I dunno -- really? I would think if the tone is set for a coffee house meetup, where even an Excited person would know it's a stretch to call it a 'date', and it's set for just for ~30-45m, the fairy-tale expectations would be put to rest. Of course, I mean if people were Not pen-paling ad nauseam before Finally meeting (one of the draw-backs of that method). In the Majority of the OLD arena, there'd be less hurt/angst/disappointment/etc -- hence, the idea of Just a coffee-house meetup.

Maybe what you consider a serial dater could be someone who will go on multiple first meets until he finds the One-looking for that needle in a hay stack. First meets are not intended to be immediate marriage proposals.

I agree. I think that's what that was meant by the statement you were responding to. Of course, one may assume the other's a serial dater because they weren't interested on the first meet thats-not-a-date, which IMO, is an inaccurate assessment, as there's too little to go by, and it isn't the Classic serial dater if it were.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 744
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 2:46:36 PM
It's amazing how some of the people in this forum can tell other people how they feel. I didn't know we had a bunch of physic mind readers. I've been called ignorant twice.

I am posting my feelings , and I don't need a bunch of know it all's telling me how I feel or think. You people over analyze everything and nit pick people to little pieces. I am just tired of being alone and tired of coffee dates. This may change we all go in and out of phases. This is how I feel right now.

I have the ability to put other's first and give all that I do 110%. If I want to feel burned out once and awhile I will. And I suggest if people don't like what I post it's simple.


DO NOT READ WHAT I POST
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 745
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:04:35 PM

Maybe what you consider a serial dater could be someone who will go on multiple first meets until he finds the One -looking for that needle in a hay stack.
First meets are not intended to be immediate marriage proposals.


But they ARE intended for a serial dater to go on until he finds the One? That makes sense. :/

Maybe by the One you really mean a woman who is satisfied with one crummy coffee date from a cheapo loser and she’s ready to hop in his sack.

See, it’s a bit annoying to have others deliberately distort what you’ve said, huh.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 746
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:17:21 PM
Had the same experience only he said he was 5'7" and actually 5'1". I walked past him a few times hoping and praying he was not the guy I was to meet. However it was a quiet SUnday, I was a bit bored, so I met him and we had an interesting chat over coffee. When he wanted to see me again I had to lay it on the line about his deceit. Do they think their charisma, personality or money in his case, will overcome any major lies they have perpetrated? I am only 5'4" but I dont want to be with any man I have to look down on!!!.

 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 747
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:27:02 PM

I agree. If you talk ahead of time, you a least form some type of mental connection.
Honestly, when people push for a meet and greet right away, with no talking on the phone first, they might as well say "I want to see what you look like" or "I hope I'll get laid". :D


I don't mind having a short phone conversation before a date / meeting. But it's not necessary for me. You can have a good phone conversation. Only to find out the other person was dishonest about their appearance. Or has bad breath. Or has a drinking problem. Or is rude to the waitress. Even if a person seems to be normal and polite during a date, there is a good chance that person ends up not being compatible with you.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 748
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:29:21 PM
Oh yes!! "The one". I was called that because he thought I would jump into bed after an hour's chat where he reluctantly bought a coffee, asked me nothing about myself, repeated the few facts about himself which I already knew, didn't suggest lunch although it was that time and I was hungry, happy to have gone dutch. He wanted to go to the back street and make out like a teenager, in his car. He has been on dating sites for years despite being tall, attractive, intelligent and working. I wonder why?
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 749
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:41:19 PM

I don't mind having a short phone conversation before a date / meeting. But it's not necessary for me. You can have a good phone conversation. Only to find out the other person was dishonest about their appearance. Or has bad breath. Or has a drinking problem. Or is rude to the waitress.


Plus. Some people don't like talking on the phone and are better with face to face conversations.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 750
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 3:42:52 PM

The problem with coffee dates is a lot of people are expecting to find their perfect life partner-their fairy tale Prince Charming/Cinderella-at these first meets, and if it doesn't work out that way, it was a total waste of time and they were swindled out of a fairy tale life. Maybe what you consider a serial dater could be someone who will go on multiple first meets until he finds the One-looking for that needle in a hay stack. First meets are not intended to be immediate marriage proposals.

Maleman, the very sweet lady in pink lost her husband, she did not divorce him. She did not have any options :0( Maybe he was her Prince & sadly, was taken away from her & their kids way too soon.

From the way she posts, she is very kind & sweet BUT expects to be treated respectfully. That doesn't make her expectations a fairy tale or a marriage proposal prospect.

When my marriage dissolved, I understood the ramifications of what was ahead of me. I chose it.

She did not.
Hoping we all have some compassion for the circumstances that forced her to come to trying to rebuild her life.
XoX to you Lauren!
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