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 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 751
The Coffee DatePage 31 of 32    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
[I am just tired of being alone and tired of coffee dates.]


May I make a suggestion?
Perhaps the next time you have developed a good rapport with a man online and agreed to meet, try not to use coffee shops.
Pick a place of activity.
Someplace where you can see or do things to enjoy like a museum, an amusement park, a festival, antique shop, a popular hiking trail with a eatery nearby, etc etc.
Go with the attitude that you are meeting a friend for the day and have fun.. time is of no limit.
The place and attitude can do wonders for the outcome even if it turns out the guy isn't 'it'.
My suggestion is that it doesn't all meld into some humdrum routine of hell for you but rather enjoy life and enjoy it with strangers... that could end up either a friend, a bf or
... not. No big deal
There really much to do out there. Find it and enjoy it, bring someone along. Why not let that someone be a date!

:)

I stand by my earlier post.
All my coffee dates SUCKED but if it took place any place else, each and every one was great.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 752
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 4:48:06 PM

But they ARE intended for a serial dater to go on until he finds the One? That makes sense. :/

Actually, it can. Some serial (not cereal) daters will be wanting window-shopping "until I find the One" -- but really, they're just chasing their own tail... even IF THEY believe they really are looking for The One, when in reality, what tickles their palette is to window-shop.

Maybe by the One you really mean a woman who is satisfied with one crummy coffee date from a cheapo loser and she’s ready to hop in his sack.

That's another brand of serial dater (and no, not just to just get free cereal in the morning) -- who will bounce from person to person after there's a roll in the hay had, or after (merely) several dates are had and sex looks like it'd have to be coupled with commitment.

The general, common serial-dater is one where it's not about sexual relations per se (although that can play a role of course) -- it's that they like the new "new car smell" of someone "new & fresh". They like the butterflies in their stomach. "She's chasing butterflies, not guys," one may say in reference to a female serial dater. Once that "new car smell" wears off, whether it be Date 1 or Date 7, however it wears off for that person, they move on.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 753
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 5:24:19 PM
Before labeling anybody as a serial dater, what exactly is a serial dater? If a guy (or woman) goes on a first meet/date once a week with someone new each week, is that a serial dater? If so, what about someone doing that once a month, or once every six months, or once a year? At what exact point does causal dating turn into serial dating? Where's the line drawn?

Before someone is complaining about meeting a serial dater, do you have an exclusive agreement that says neither one will be dating any other person as soon as you two meet or before you meet, even though you don't know yet if it will end up being a relationship? That's putting the cart before the horse. It doesn't matter if either one is dating a hundred other people when you first meet or on the first few dates. No exclusive agreement that both agree to, no limit on who to date.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 754
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 9:24:44 PM

going SO LONG without meeting provided no advantages, and only increased the chances of it falling thru, once it's past a certain point. We're not talking about meeting after 5-7 days VS 2 weeks here. We're talking in terms of months.

I agree, but that's not a similar view to what she said, really. That's not what the argument was about. There's a Vast difference between pen-paling for 1+ months (assuming avidly) VS "let's not talk, let's meet!".
You know what's funny? You never once asked me how long I was talking about. You simply referred to my method as 'pen palling' and correlated it to an extreme example of yours from college.

For the record, in no case whatsoever did it take 1+ months to meet a man for coffee. My entire point- including the other thread conversation- was that meeting after 5 SOLID (whatever that is) messages (which for many years was the supposed magic number) would never work for me. And whenever anyone acts like their OPINION is somehow law and everyone on earth should follow it, I'll likely have something to say.

My raised eye-brow is when folks Purposely play pen-pal for a good while. Pen-paling goes well beyond pre-meeting chats, getting a feel for one another, banter, & weeding.
And my raised eyebrow is when they want to push for a meet ASAP, before we've established any kind of mental rapport or even preliminary compatibility. I'm not the type to fire off a bunch of interview questions, I like things to flow and come out naturally. It's actually a process that I enjoy with the right person. I get excited to hear from them, and that builds up to me wanting to meet them. Without that? There's no point, I'd rather my coffee solo.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 755
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 10:03:16 PM
I would never meet anyone now unless I heard his voice first. It is so important to me and tells me a lot. An unattractive way of speaking is a dealbreaker for me and it wouldnt matter how attractive looking he was. I wasted weeks talking to a guy on the phone before we met and he was nothing like his pics, turned out to be married and his voice was the only attractive thing about him. So yes, meet as soon as possible IMO.



 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 756
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/27/2015 10:13:37 PM
My view on things is it is graciously meeting another person to grab a drink and walk around downtown chatting, laughing, and having fun getting to know each other. It isn't stressful and I always learn something new. Have fun!
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 757
The Toffee Cake
Posted: 1/27/2015 11:12:26 PM

You know what's funny? You never once asked me how long I was talking about. You simply referred to my method as 'pen palling' and correlated it to an extreme example of yours from college.

No, your Defense of the other poster's 1 month position, in which you were chiming in about and defending, is what I'm talking about there. You taking that position against me is you Validating waiting 1+ months. Yes, I refer to anyone purposely waiting for a month of communication over the Internet before meeting -- for the sake of their comfort zone (not schedule conflicts or distance) -- as pen-paling.

My entire point- including the other thread conversation- was that meeting after 5 SOLID (whatever that is) messages (which for many years was the supposed magic number) would never work for me.

You never insinuated that all it took was more than a mere 5 solid messages. You insinuated, whether it be to argue-with-angst because you don't like me, that it was much more than that. Sure, pretty much everybody has no exact pin-pointed time. But you arguing with me, even in reference to your Own comfort-zone, in what I see as a waste of one's time & inefficient -- is telling me you require pen-paling.

You know what's funny? You had every opportunity to not argue for the sake of arguing (even though you have issue with me) -- and just lay it out for any clarification -- but you didn't.

For the record, in no case whatsoever did it take 1+ months to meet a man for coffee.

So how much communication does typically go by? You will point out what's too soon -- what's too much time? You've never chimed in on that. Is there only such thing as too little time, but never too much time and that's just "someone's OPINION!!"? :)

I never argued with you on the concept of bantering and feeling someone out. My argument is, there's a point where you can only do so much, in the virtual world, prior to meeting in person. That peak could technically hit within only several days with tons of banter .... it could take a long time, actually, if you never were communicating that much (hence, no pen-paling either) until playing spaced-out-message tag finally caught on. And as I said before, it's not about splitting hairs, either.

BUT, it is to call out what's just as foolish as demanding someone meet-you-or-bust same-day of initial message exchange: Wanting to be pen-paling (continually writing back n forth for a significant amount of time, PAST/AFTER the point of feeling each other out sufficiently) -- for the sake of one's own emotional comfort-zone. I've never been an advocate of RUSHING into meeting, and replacing pre-meeting banter with in-person banter, although in many circumstances, there's no real harm in it in and of itself either (there should just be no Pressure into it).
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 758
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 3:18:46 AM
Eric

Chatting and laughing?? that assumes that you are getting on, no one has lied, they have turned up and
are holding up their end of the conversation. Does not always happen. If it has for you, you are lucky.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 759
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 5:38:38 AM
I have a coffee date tonight at 6:00. I have my fingers crossed that we click. If nothing else perhaps we can at least be friends.

I'm also talking to a sweet guy on Our Time is a widow like me. Today I'm not burned out. Today is an opportunity to start all over.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 760
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 6:58:44 AM
^^^ Aawww, how cute! Good luck lifeisgrand5!
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 761
view profile
History
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 8:13:53 AM
Lifeisgrand5 (Lauren)...Hope it goes well and if they serve pie, get a slice.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 762
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 12:36:34 PM

Actually, it can. Some serial (not cereal) daters will be wanting window-shopping "until I find the One" -- but really, they're just chasing their own tail... even IF THEY believe they really are looking for The One, when in reality, what tickles their palette is to window-shop.


My point was addressing:


Maybe what you consider a serial dater could be someone who will go on multiple first meets until he finds the One -looking for that needle in a hay stack.
First meets are not intended to be immediate marriage proposals.


which I believe is contradictory and self-serving.

He says: First meets aren’t intended to be immediate marriage proposals, BUT, serial first meets will eventually result in finding the One. So a woman shouldn’t expect a marriage proposal at a first meet but a man can find the One doing the same damn thing! I can’t believe I have to spell this out. :/

I’m curious how a man knows a woman is “the One” on a first meet unless she porked him. How?


Before labeling anybody as a serial dater, what exactly is a serial dater?


IMO it has to do with intent. A guy circulating himself through lots of women because he’s trying to find the One is different than the guy circulating himself through lots of women because he wants to circulate himself through lots of women. A woman paying attention can usually spot this easily because men aren’t nearly as clever as they think they are. :/
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 763
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 1:01:09 PM

He says: First meets aren’t intended to be immediate marriage proposals, BUT, serial first meets will eventually result in finding the One.

That's not contradictory, actually. Every marriage proposal has a first meeting -- whether they got married in 48 hours or 48 months later. Looking for the One -- husband/wife hunters -- aren't going to be looking for immediate marriage proposals, or even get-married-quick, upon or after first-meet.

Looking for The One requires first-meets. That does not mean or even remotely imply, in that context, first-meets = immediate marriage proposals, or even remotely imply short-term marriage proposals.

It's the same concept as finding a Great Match -- what do you do? You go out dates with (usually a lot of) different people -- which All start at first-meets. A serial dater is going to end up, even if they are claiming they are looking for a The One/Great Match, being more drawn to going out on a limited # of dates with many different people -- in and of itself. Upon observing them -- it's not that they don't propose on the 1st date (lol) that they're lying or something -- that's not what wife-hunting's about. It's that they meet some compatible people, but their mindset looks-for-flaws and/or their emotion always feels flaws/incompatibilities -- and they keep moving on (after date 1-4), because they're More into that Process than anything else.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 764
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 1:53:17 PM
If you want to win the lottery, you gotta buy a ticket.

That being said, only buying tickets for the biggest payoff possible usually means the BEST chance of wasting your money in the long term, and the LOWEST chance of actually hitting the jackpot.

People that realize time and money are not infinite - start gambling in other ways where the odds are not as long - with hopes of scoring some degree of success. Some are perfectly happy with a smaller prize and stop gambling - others simply NEVER learn.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 765
view profile
History
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/28/2015 2:18:35 PM
What is a serial dater ?

To me it is someone posing as an interested party, who is only looking for sex. There are people who pretend like they are looking for a relationship when in fact all they are after is a sex partner.

A serial dater is also someone who likes to date a lot of different people. There is nothing wrong with that if they are honest. Their profile says looking for a relationship. It should say dating or friends.

Honesty is always the best policy.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 766
The Coffee Date
Posted: 1/28/2015 2:37:43 PM
LifeIsGrand5...good luck on the date tonight.
Do not look at POF.com while you are with him...he will think you are bored.
Have fun. :-)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 767
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/28/2015 3:05:37 PM

A serial dater is also someone who likes to date a lot of different people. There is nothing wrong with that if they are honest. Their profile says looking for a relationship. It should say dating or friends.


It is possible, actually probable, that an active dater is also looking for a relationship. That requires dating. I know a couple of guys who would fit the description of serial daters. The joke, whenever seeing them, was: "Who is the treat of the week?", since they seemed to be dating someone different every week. Both are now married with families and resemble the typical Disney family, and have been happily (I assume) married for a long time. If they would've married the first available female, chances are they would've been divorced by now. But instead, they held out until they found The One. Lots of times, you won't know if a person is the One until after multiple dates, so that could entail dating many people multiple times each to target the right One. Serial dating gets old (and expensive) after a while, so most look to settle down after a while.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 768
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/28/2015 3:10:31 PM

lifeisgrand5:
What is a serial dater ?

To me it is someone posing as an interested party, who is only looking for sex. There are people who pretend like they are looking for a relationship when in fact all they are after is a sex partner.

A serial dater is also someone who likes to date a lot of different people. There is nothing wrong with that if they are honest. Their profile says looking for a relationship. It should say dating or friends.

Honesty is always the best policy.


IMO, You will never see the true Person, till after You have had Sex with them.... Also, just because they don't want a LTR with you, doesn't equal, they don't want a LTR with someone Else.....
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 769
view profile
History
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 2:26:02 AM
Who knows if a serial dater wants a relationship with me? I don't get them a chance. I have been celebrant for quite a few years. I am trying to keep myself safe. If I have lost a few chances at a great guy so be it. I do not want to be hurt again. I pulled into a cocoon where I have keep myself safe. My volunteer work has fulfilled me as a person. I give my love to the people at the hospital. It is a substitute for a personal relationship.

And just for the record I have had coffee dates that proposed marriage and relationships. My youngest daughter who is married asked me why I've had so many marriage proposals. I told her because I am older and my generation traditionally looked for marriage.

I don't think anyone over 50 ever thought they would be on a dating site.

I had a coffee date last night. He liked me and he was sweet. We did some texts after the date and he wants to go out again. I thought of a thousand reasons not to go. I was myself and I felt at ease with my date. I found him trust worthy. We actually clicked and he made me laugh.


I went on the coffee date last night to avoid the critical remarks of this group. Thanks group.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 770
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 3:31:14 AM
^^^
Reasons not to go?

Those reasons will keep you alone perpetually.

I'm glad you got out of your shell. It gets easier too btw:)

Now, if you find reasons not to go on that 2nd date? Trust your wisdom! You earned it.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 771
view profile
History
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 6:02:14 AM

I’m curious how a man knows a woman is “the One” on a first meet unless she porked him. How?


Don't you ever just know?

I mean, I don't think there's a "the one", but I've always gotten a certain feeling/reaction when I've met someone for the first time who will become a significant part of my life in some way. Of course, I would get that feeling at first IM or sight of photo, so everything after would be letting it unfold.

I can sometimes even feel the excitement of 'something coming' before that person is put in my path (or a job, it's happened with that too).
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 772
view profile
History
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 6:23:38 AM

I can sometimes even feel the excitement of 'something coming' before that person is put in my path (or a job, it's happened with that too).


Me TOO!!!
I always used to say that I associated people, places and things, with certain "feelings" that would tell me things like how close the relationship would be, the tone, whether it was a 'lifetime" deal, etc.....weird, huh?


I’m curious how a man knows a woman is “the One” on a first meet unless she porked him. How?


Dude, seriously, you're in your what 30's? Can you NOT just use appropriate language for an adult such as 'had sex with her'????
You sound like an adolescent for crying out loud....

And frankly, I know of LOTS of people who don't necessarily believe in sex before KNOWING somebody, so by the time they get THERE, they have already established a relationship and feelings have developed.....even, gasp!, those that may indicate that this is a lasting (the one) relationship.....

Not everybody feels that having sex is something you do to get to know a person, for some it's an expression of a building/existing feeling......
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 773
view profile
History
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 7:23:50 AM
lifeisgrand5 (Lauren)...

I went on the coffee date last night to avoid the critical remarks of this group. Thanks group.


You're welcome. We're here to help.

You just needed a little nudge Lauren. The butterfly needs to emerge from its cocoon. Spring is coming soon.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 774
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 8:21:54 AM
Dear Pretty Pink Lady- I am happy you had a good time & hope you met a Prince!
Lauren, u r so sweet, u deserve much happiness!
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 775
What is a serial dater ?
Posted: 1/29/2015 11:00:19 AM

I don't get them a chance. I have been celebrant for quite a few years. I am trying to keep myself safe. If I have lost a few chances at a great guy so be it. I do not want to be hurt again. I pulled into a cocoon where I have keep myself safe. ... I give my love to the people at the hospital. It is a substitute for a personal relationship.

Yeah, not just serial daters -- but the dating scene as a whole a chance. In actuality, that is a symptom OF one particular brand of serial-dater. Just going out on 1st-meets/dates, putting the toe in the water, and scampering away because of the fear of being hurt if the ball starts rolling with them.

And just for the record I have had coffee dates that proposed marriage and relationships.

For 1st meets? That's whack. For any generation, that's whack. Now, obviously, one's going to meet some odd-balls and such, don't get me wrong. But having "so many marriage proposals" on little coffee-dates for 1st meets? That's not a generational thing, that's just pure stupidity... and if one is getting "so many" in such a situation, one would have to believe that they're doing something that would instigate things Much too strong for a mere 1st-meetup. Now, if/when a guy proposes, it being at a coffee house? Okay, that's not bad. Again, I'm talking about something within the 1st-meet range, of course.

We did some texts after the date and he wants to go out again. I thought of a thousand reasons not to go. I was myself and I felt at ease with my date.

That's good, feeling at ease. Yeah, you don't want to fall into the trap of being a serial dater out of "protection". Many serial daters Fear issues/drama/etc if going out on more than 1 or 2 dates, due to past experiences, etc. Change is Good! :)
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