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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?      Home login  
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 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 26
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
There is flirting and then there is FLIRTING. The light flirting, banter back and forth, light teasing each other (no, not sexual teasing) is fine. Flirting with intent is another thing all together. Cheaters will cheat and many cheaters don't flirt...they have an end goal in mind. I flirt and I always respected my marriage and respected the person I flirted with and in no way had intent to jeopardize my marriage or the relationship of who ever I was flirting with as I had/have too much respect for the wife/ girlfriend of the guy. It's easy enough to get laid...why take someone's man, not my thing at all. It's all in knowing what line not to cross.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 4:54:45 AM
Flirting is a wasted effort unless it is done to accomplish something.

Something like body fluid swapping comes to mind.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 28
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 5:23:54 AM
Odd, I would never have defined flirting this way, but here is the CC from Merriam :

to behave in a way that shows a sexual attraction for someone but is not meant to be taken seriously.
to think about something or become involved in something in a way that is usually not very serious.
to come close to reaching or experiencing something.

I don't agree with the literal definition of the word, flirting can be very serious. I think banter is a more appropriate. In any event, if its not meant to be taken seriously, because it is usually not very serious. It leaves a degree of error in the definition. "Usually not very serious" Seriously, who came up with the definition of this word?

I think society has a different definition for flirting, and it can certainly lead to infidelity as I've recently been privy to experience that it can be very serious. I think they either need to clearly define the intent of flirting, or remove any connotation of it ever being capable of being taken serious.
 AlienHumanHybrid
Joined: 10/31/2014
Msg: 29
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 5:32:45 AM
I think accomplishing something is at the heart of the matter.
It's great to be friendly, outgoing, funny and make others feel good about themselves, but what makes a relationship "primary" is the fact that you should get and give certain things from and to that one other.
If you seek those things from others outside the relationship by flirting, you degrade and dishonor the primary relationship. Even if one does not seek those things, certain behaviors attract the wrong kind of attention from others -and, within reason, should be avoided for the sake of the primary relationship.
Some may want different things from a primary relationship -but that makes the relationship less primary -and the other person less of a focus of one's attention and affection.
A couple may actually be content or comfortable with getting certain day-to-day things from a live-together situation, and the rest from others -but I don't think they know what they are missing (but many are settling or lying to themselves).
When a truly "primary" relationship is done right, the intimacy is far greater than any amount of pleasure derived from interaction with -or attention from -many other people.
However, given the fact that there are not many examples of primary relationships done right -and that most aren't taught how to do them right -it is no surprise that people turn to all sorts of alternatives.
Some literally don't understand that there is something far greater -but most will feel the void -at least eventually.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 30
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 5:37:42 AM
There isn't any such thing as "harmless flirting." To me, it's utterly unacceptable and not testament to the commitment of a long term relation in which one is engaged, even if nothing sexually had materialized. The flirting, in itself, is enough materialization of disrespect and broken trust, enough so to reconsider a relationship with the flirting partner.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 31
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 6:22:50 AM
When I see someone in a relationship who wants to flirt with others, it looks like they're keeping in practice, in case they become single again-or in the worse case scenario, when they actually want to cheat. But in most cases, it's an attention seeking tactic, even if it's a strange way to get attention for someone who is in a relationship. Some people who are attention whores seek attention by being the class clown, dressing and looking weird like goths, girls who try to look like hookers-but get mad at guys who make sexual innuendos, people who purposely get totally drunk because their friends tell them how ridiculous they act when drunk, etc. Why else would people do stupid things that don't have positive results?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 32
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 9:13:34 AM

Flirting is a wasted effort unless it is done to accomplish something.

Something like body fluid swapping comes to mind.


But you post in the forum? Talk about wasted effort, what do you accomplish?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 2:56:38 PM
I am a club/bar DJ - it's part of my job. I assume those I talk to in the course of the evening know that, though - most entertainment staff do this with customers, and it's pretty rare that it's personal. An SO would know that as well...

If you're involved and just flirting with the opposite sex heavily anywhere you go then yeah it's about intent. If your SO doesn't like it and they tell you then it's only fair you discuss it and respect how they feel about it.

I agree with the poster above me - a couple of my exes got that reaction from women when out, and it didn't bother me too much as I'm not really the jealous type - to me either a guy wants to be with me or not. So it would be cool to me that other women would think the guy I was with was that attractive.

My exes were the same way, they usually didn't realize it was flirting.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 34
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/13/2014 3:18:35 PM

I'm not really the jealous type.


I prided myself in being confident enough to overlook flirtatious behavior. Mostly because I took it as harmless intermingling. But this last experience with a flirtatious girl just really .... really going to need to put that incident into perspective and understand it was the person, not the act. But damn if it isn't always that easy, once something is put in your head, it becomes a mr Brightside situation.
 wooweewoo13
Joined: 7/7/2013
Msg: 35
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 12/14/2014 4:52:04 AM
lol....harmless flirting can be dangerous....seen it many times and while Ive dont it havnt ever crossed the line either because she was married or i was......BUT have seen many do just that and regret their actions...and unfortunatly Ive heard from those who have also....Im one of those hearing people who listen to the stories and shake my head.....most of the time the flesh takes over the common sence part of us!...lol....
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 36
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 12:51:38 PM
****Bringing back an old thread as that's the "rules".***

Being that I'm in a 6 year committed relationship
and have no real interaction with other men or women,
I find myself missing flirting.

Or is it more the possibility of someone else liking me?

I wouldn't want to ever disrespect my relationship
but if you know there is no way in hell you'd ever
follow thru, is there really any harm in flirting online?

Say in the forums?

I think there's a big difference between flirting and
having an emotional attachment, let alone a sexual one,
with someone you meet on line.

But maybe it's just a gateway to that and therefore needs
to be curbed?

Idk just wondering.

I'm so out of practice it's not like it would actually lead
to anything! :)


I'm not around my guy 24/7 but I would wager he has
done his fair share of it behind my back and really it would bother
me less than if it's in front of my face.

I like to make people laugh and feel wanted
And like the same in return.

But it's not always easy to know the line.

Where is your line?
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 37
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 2:05:07 PM
I guess you have to know your partner's personality if/when they do it and you have to be honest with yourself, if you're the flirter, as to the reasons you are doing it while you have a partner. My ex was/is a notorious flirter wherever he goes and is also notoriously inappropriate socially in a number of other ways - it's just him and it never bothered me in the least, other than sometimes getting embarrassed "for" him. I always figured that if he was legitimately interested in someone else, his option was to leave for them but there was never any suspicious by me that he was a cheater - just a flirter. I'm not a jealous person in the least and I figure if you find someone else that much more interesting than me, don't waste my time/life if you actually want to be with them - go.

I suppose there are those people who will openly flirt all the time so you believe they are "just" a flirt and use it as a cover for thinking they're just a flirt. There are others who don't flirt in front of their partner but do when they're not with them and do further up on it and cheat.

I'm not a flirt unless I'm in a position to do it, i.e. single, and even then I'm not outrageous about it - just enough to let a person know I'm interested in them. If it's reciprocated, then I can go as nuts as I want.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 38
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 3:45:11 PM

Flirting is a wasted effort unless it is done to accomplish something.


Wow, flirting an effort? In my book it’s that effortless, not goal oriented, harmless fun that brings a smile to the face and lifts the spirits of the involved parties.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 39
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 4:06:53 PM


Flirting is a wasted effort unless it is done to accomplish something.
Wow, flirting an effort? In my book it’s that effortless, not goal oriented, harmless fun that brings a smile to the face and lifts the spirits of the involved parties.


I was chastised once by a lady during a private conversation that "flirting" with a 3rd party is inappropriate at any time when you are in a relationship. Her defense was that "flirting" is always sexual whereas I didn't think of it that way at all. I defined "flirting" as fun interaction between opposite sexes (although, in light of recent social movements I may have to, reluctantly broaden that definition). I looked up the definition online and most of those defs were in her favor.

I still maintain that what I call "flirting" is harmless. perhaps I need a new word to describe what I do. Help?
When I am out and about I wish not to be dour - And when I come across a waitress (or waiter - uh, NOT flirting) who playfully gives as good as receives it lifts the whole evening.

Have I erred?

TK
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 40
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 5:37:00 PM
Dee4166- The bottom line is to ask yourself, "Would I be doing this if my SO were standing right here?"
If the answer is no, then it's probably crossing a line. If the answer is yes, then you are probably ok.
Also, even if my intent felt ok to me, if my SO expressed that it made them uncomfortable, I would stop. Then it becomes a respect issue.
Continually ignoring an so's feelings about anything is a good way to not have an so, jmo.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 41
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 6:07:09 PM

For me , my rule of thumb is that if I am not comfortable doing it in front of my SO, then I probably shouldn't be doing it at all....And if they aren't present, just asking myself that question, would be enough to tell me whether or not it feels okay....


Sound familiar????

LMAO

That was what I, myself said...last page...lol Too cute!!! LOL

But yes, you and I often have similar views, so not really THAT surprising....

Funny story...

When I saw the thread title, I thought to myself, "Wow, now there's a good topic, I'll have to check that out..." 0_0???????????

Ummm, yeah....I'm REALLY tired today, fighting a cold, LONG, difficult day at work.....and THAT'S my story and I'm sticking to it!!!!

LOL

Carry on...some interesting stuff here....
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 42
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 6:59:29 PM
Dee4166- My children and I have a private joke about this-Great minds think alike and so do crazy people,lol :D
Seriously though, I think a lot of you, not just because we are so much alike, but you are a great person :)
Oluben- We often agree also, I wish some of us here didn't live so darn far away from each other, I would love to meet many of you.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 43
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/17/2015 10:59:51 PM
Both my parents were flirtatious but they did it openly and no one took it seriously. It is just fun and if you do not take it too far it is harmless. I am of the same inclination as are my sisters and it does not mean we would necessarily cheat on our partners.As long as there is no inappropriate touching, overt inappropriate sexual innuendo and furtive behaviour, not a problem.

 Grl_next_door
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 44
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:01:45 AM
Early in my last 10 yr. relationship, my SO and I were getting a few groceries.

He waited outside the door in our car as I was just getting in. A woman walked by that was neither provocatively dressed or exceptional in any way, but I couldn't help but notice the look and the sexy smile he gave her, (I would DO you right here)...and the look she gave him right back as she crossed in front of our vehicle.
It seemed very random, but it could have been somebody he knew from "somewhere".
Or maybe these people just recognize each other.
My normally straight up husbandly guy had shown me a side of himself I had never seen before.
And yes, crook catcher, he did end up being a cheater, 5 and then again 10 years later.
Wish I had trusted my instincts a lot earlier and called it a day.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 45
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:01:49 AM
Flirting is like breathing; people that don't do it are dead.

However, I reserve the right to define flirting as I wish and it does not include making anyone uncomfortable (i.e. being too close, physical touching, discussing sexual possibilities). It does not include making people feel embarrassed or hurt in any way.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 46
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:13:25 AM
Very good point because it's just as difficult for the recipient of inappropriate flirting as the SO

My dad was a flirt, we got good service everywhere we went but that is totally different from your original op. Regardless of the intent, or whether anything can would or should happen, that level of flirting is inappropriate. It may seem like splitting hairs but normal people in a relationship can flirt without going the extra mile you describe and don't because it implies something to the other person even if it never goes anywhere and even if the response is 'ew, you're in a relationship.'
 Grl_next_door
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 47
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:16:34 AM

And when I come across a waitress (or waiter - uh, NOT flirting) who playfully gives as good as receives it lifts the whole evening.


Ah, the guy who wants to impress their date with their charm, by whoo-ing the waitress...been there, very recently.
I was back home in an hour and 11 minutes.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 48
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:34:06 AM
My dad's flirting embarrassed me when I was a kid, now I've turned into him. We get good service everywhere we go, lol
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 49
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 8:06:25 AM

I think there's a big difference between flirting and
having an emotional attachment, let alone a sexual one,
with someone you meet on line.

But maybe it's just a gateway to that and therefore needs
to be curbed?
Exactly, it can be harmless or dangerous depending on intent and underlying needs.

But it's not always easy to know the line.
So true. I have been surprised and taken off guard in the past with the strength/depth of connection that can be developed out of what began as simple, harmless flirting/banter.

Where is your line?
I'm single, so I don't have one, lol j/k.

I talk with someone quite regular who has a Gf. He and I dated 9 years ago, and he's kept in contact periodically through the years. But for the last 2+ years, it's become almost daily. We share very personal and intimate things with each other, especially in regard to the deeper and more spiritual aspects of life. Something that is very important to both of us. He's admitted that his gf isn't interested in that side of things, so he enjoys sharing about it.. but made it clear early on that he is very committed to her. And I enjoy talking about such things and sharing on that level too. At one point it did make me uncomfortable, when thinking about how his gf must feel.. so I brought that up. He said that she knows we talk and is often sitting right there when he messages me. He's the type to have female friends, so I just figured she must be ok with it. We don't really flirt, but there is definitely an emotional bond there. I think of it in terms of friendship, but the intimacy at times feels like more than that. Still, no lines have been crossed, I haven't seen him in 9 years. It's something I do ponder/question though.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 50
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/18/2015 8:08:37 AM
to a point, you'd like your loved one to feel a little alive, (en)joie de la vivre.

If a partner is flaunting it in front of me, or doing other nefarious things to get my goat, i'd look a little closer. but if they were just being human--which typically includes a little subterfuge--its sorta like sneaking a piece of chocolate.
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