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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?      Home login  
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 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 60
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
As others have pointed out, its a relative thing. YOU might find someone's behavior unacceptable, and that's right for YOU. Now, if you end every relationship over their flirting, you might have a reason to wonder if your expectations are unreasonable. but if it happens only once....likely, you were correct.

when does a flirt lead to an emotional affair? um...well...when you aren't fulfilling their emotional needs. If they are too clingy or needy, then yes, you won't ever be able to fill in that black hole. or if they wrong you, and you decide to punish them by withholding...then they'll be driven to cheat.

learn to handle your own needs, then you'll have personal experience in what healthy needs are. then you can decide if you're doing to others what you wish they'd do to you (or for you). then you'll know you're doing your part, and so there won't be cheating arising from flirting (unless they are needy/clingy, in which case...why are you with this person, other than for their hot body?). such knowledge will make you more comfortable and secure.

but sometimes, you can't make a perfect situation. you just have to handle what gets handed to you. that requires you to know what your strength is, and that comes from tackling problems in your life instead of running from them for more pleasurable moments. the less you duck, the more you learn about yourself.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 61
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 10:57:31 AM

Exactly, it can be harmless or dangerous depending on intent and underlying needs.

But it's not always easy to know the line.

So true. I have been surprised and taken off guard in the past with
the strength/depth of connection that can be developed out of what
began as simple, harmless flirting/banter.

Where is your line?


Thanks for noticing the post that restarted this thread.

Yes it can be dangerous and lead one astray.
Happened to me and boy did I get hurt!!!

Intent. Yes. That is key. I ran across a really handsome man
this weekend whilst yard saling with my guy.
Talk about amazing blue eyes!? I couldn't help but
notice him. I think I wanted to phuck him right then
and there. Instead, I shot the sh*t with him and his wife!

My guy was standing there none the wiser, but I believe had I been honest
about my attraction to him it would have taken some of the "fun"
Out of flirting with him. Ahhhh omission can make things bigger than they are!

I know the underlying intent of flirting is sexual
and it just depends on how you manage thoughts
and feelings over actions with boundaries.

I've never had healthy boundaries so it's always risky being me.

I also think flirting can be a lot
more than risky if you aren't
happy in your relationship.

I miss the newness of new relationships
but also enjoy the comfort of an older one.
But not interested in a open one so casual flirting
will have to suffice.

No sexual innuendo tho!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 62
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 1:18:44 PM

I think I wanted to phuck him right then
and there. Instead, I shot the sh*t with him and his wife!


Wow. I love your honesty. But have we all experience similar scenarios? Indeed. And the better the sex is with your own partner, the move vivid images like that can play in your head. However, with that said, if that came through my head, I definitely will not flirt with that person. My girlfriend would notice instantly. In fact she has a couple of times.

We were at some food court in an Asian mall. We ordered a few dishes for her, the kids and me, but while I was going from one food stand to another, I noticed this one woman a few tables down that had the type of physique that absolutely turn me on and makes me go gaga. I saw her, and because I found her very attractive, I ignored her and put her out of my sight. In fact, I never saw her again.

Yet that night, while being amorious with my girl she mentioned how she noticed it. And asked me about it. I said that yes, I saw her, but that I tried not to look at her and look totally ridiculous. Interestingly enough, it kind of turned her on. Go figure.

In another occasion she said the same thing about some girl that came out of a car by our house. I had to think hard about who she was talking about because I could not quite remember, then it hit me. So I had to correct her, I could careless about that girl, I barely saw her and then were looking at the neighbor's house and what they were doing on their yard.

But like you said Hearton, there was no flirting.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 63
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 1:35:52 PM

@chameleon - not sure if your reading this thread but I can respond on the Poly thread as got a 2 for 10 posting restriction on some threads. I must of missed that lol


Oh oh...the dreaded restrictions. I figured you must have glossed over and missed the slight off topic sideline that took place for a second.

On topic. I find it interesting when eyes lock with an appealing stranger and you get a "zing" moment (not an actual "flirt") and you both keep going your merry way without saying a word...even at this ripe old age! For all I know it's a yuck factor being shot at me but I'm capable of pretending that it's not.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 64
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 1:41:52 PM

To me the concept of an 'emotional affair' isn't exactly black and white. At what point are lines crossed?


If my SO were talking to another woman on a daily basis and sharing on an intimate level, I know that would make me very uncomfortable....

For me whether or not you are the one IN the relationship or you find the situation bizarre or uncomfortable, then despite their assurances that their SO 'doesn't mind', unless that was something that I heard DIRECTLY from the SO, then I wouldn't agree to continue to participate...I mean, I'm sure he's a great guy, but how do you know that she really IS there when he's messaging? Have you met her?

Frankly even IF their SO didn't mind, I still would not participate simply because for myself that behaviour is not something I'm comfortable with MYSELF, and don't really want to participate in it....

I have been in that situation before and the reality was that the person STILL wasn't actually 'over ' me and their SO was only tolerating the behaviour because she felt that she had no other choice in order to keep him with her....

I don't want to be the reason for anyone else breaking up, even if only ONE of them, and as I said, I wouldn't want it done to me....

Obviously you aren't terribly comfortable with the situation otherwise you probably wouldn't have even noticed, right? And you SAID that you weren't and asked him about it?
If you;re still uncomfortable then it's up to you to take care of your own feelings, rather than looking for assurances from him....jmo
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 65
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 1:47:57 PM
In some cultures, people greet each other by hugging and a kiss on the cheek. I guess people who are not used to this type of culture would find it a little too flirtatious-especially if it's an older guy and a young girl or young woman doing it.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 66
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 1:57:05 PM

Wow. I love your honesty. But have we all experience similar scenarios?
Indeed. And the better the sex is with your own partner, the move vivid
images like that can play in your head. However, with that said, if that came
through my head, I definitely will not flirt with that person. My girlfriend
would notice instantly. In fact she has a couple of times.


Yeah but your inner gorilla is always lurking about! Lol
She's gotta know you're a sexual beast!!

Of course I know the difference between fantasy and reality.
And I rarely see men I'm at all attracted to in public. So that fleeting
thought took me aback because I do love my guy
and whilst we have been having sex almost daily for 6
years the honeymoon stage is long gone and the lust hormones
are a'fadin'.

It was just the 4 of us standing there and I don't think
it was obvious to any of them what I was thinking.

I doubt the guy even realized I felt a spark.
But truth be told my guy and I have discussed
"Swinging" as long as it's a swap and we are both
attracted to the couple.

I have declined out of fear I'd fall for the guy as I
don't compartmentalize love and sex well.
Not to mention it's just out of my vanilla league.

Bottom line I don't know if I was even flirting as
all we talked about was the crap they were trying to
sell! Haha! But when he smiled....

It was just my crazy old mind at work I think.

I think the bubble burst when he called me "ma'am"!

He was in his early 30's! I'm 50!

So much for that fantasy!

Truth is, I did leave my ex husband over an emotional
affair I was having that started with flirting and it all blew
up in my face BIGTIME so I lived and learned the hard way!

Believe you me!

Never again!

I could easily inform my guy how I felt in the moment
as we can be honest but it's not like I intend on acting
on it.

It all just made me ponder a lot of things about myself.

Here's to anonymous honesty.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 67
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 2:24:22 PM

Enjoy the feeling and bring it into your current relationship. Maybe try some of that fantasy stuff to keep the spark and new feeling. Making life too perfect can make it damn dull. Enjoy your imagination, create a little world for the man who treats you right.


I tell you what worked for me before. That is flirt and try to seduce your current partner, but you have to behave like you don't know each other, or you have to create a different character or persona. I had mentioned this to my partner as we both have talked about our past, so every now and then, she goes into character and plays with it a little.

I am by no means to that point where we are bored with each other, but it's good to know you have some options within the relationship.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 68
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 3:07:01 PM
Thanks Vicki.

Acting on feelings and having them are two different animals!

I hear you about not mentioning it but I'm sure he's mature enough to
understand that I'm not blind. I was checking out some RIPPED AMA fighters
the other night and he knew I'd do them both in a heartbeat
if I was single and they even looked my way but the truth is....I'm not all that!

To anyone but him and I wouldn't risk hurting or losing him for all the c*cks in China!

I asked him recently if he'd run across any hot chicks lately
As I'm very secure in his love for me and he said
no that I'm the hottest chick he's ever been with!

He's awesome! Truly! And he knows of my peri menopausal
Issues too, so it's all good. I make sure no matter
what,his needs are met! Did him twice yesterday but
didn't come myself either time.

I guess flirting can be seen as "missing the chase" in some ways
and while I can't order from the menu I can still look.

So can he for that matter! That is if I don't see her first!

--------------------
As for role playing?

Great idea, if it didn't feel so contrived. I'm too straightforward
and pragmatic for it. But you have fun with that!

Believe me when I say nothing stays fresh and new forever.

Just wondering IG does your lady read your posts or know you're in here?

I met mine here in May '09 and he knows he can trust me
and that I pass my time in here so I make sure not to betray
his trust.

Having a conscience is doing the right thing especially when no one is looking!
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 69
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 3:48:52 PM
I meant sex was for his sake. : )
Not that I gave him a show.
That happens more than I like to admit.

But yeah maybe if my desire wasn't waning in general
I wouldn't notice others at all? Idk. I recall being
EXTREMELY unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage
for very valid reasons that went well beyond lack of desire
and just how easy it was to fall for someone who flirted with me
as though they meant it from the heart!

Should have known it was only his d*ck that was flirting with me.

I remind myself that nothing is perfect and lust is only a part of any relationship.

He is a keeper, but I don't own him.Nor he me.

We stay together out of want and need and if that changes.....

Btw Happy 420 day! Vodka sucks! Hehehe
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 70
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/20/2015 6:53:28 PM
"Ok, now I'm going to make a bit of a confession which I'm undecided about. Given how things turned out, honest opinion. I wish I hadn't of stayed faithful, a bit of me thinks I missed out a lot."

>>>that's one of the many things that sucks in life--you can only be one person, when it'd be great to be both somehow. I always say, I shave everyday, so I have to like what I see in the mirror. But when it comes to listing regrets, mine are about the opportunities I wasn't allowed, not the ones I made a mistake of taking.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 71
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/21/2015 12:46:28 AM
If my gf wants to flirt, that's fine. I trust her to know where to draw the line.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 72
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:48:28 PM

Happy 420!
No idea what this means????


You're cute! Figure it out darlin'!

So you think your g/f may "know the line"
but who she's flirting with may not.

Ultimately flirting whilst in a relationship is just
tempting others with something you don't even have to offer.

Or worse being tempted by someone who doesn't have the guts
To put their money where their mouth is!



Yup...thepigofmydreams

Swearing off flirting.

Sorry about the flirty comments about your hair!

It's not sexy! Lol

And I don't want your c*ck. ; )
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 73
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:56:56 PM

So you think your g/f may "know the line"
but who she's flirting with may not.


Exactly. There are too many guys out there who let the least bit of communication from a woman go to their heads. "Did you hear that?!?! She said "thanks, hon!!" She wants my c*ck!"

I can't think of a good reason for a woman to put herself in this situation unless she's looking to make something out of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/21/2015 8:24:25 PM

So you think your g/f may "know the line"
but who she's flirting with may not.

Yes but unless she's going to actually do something this doesn't matter. Ultimately the person who takes it as more than flirting will find out it's not when it doesn't amount to more.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 75
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/22/2015 9:24:34 AM
"i can't think of a good reason for a woman to put herself in this situation..."

>>>Like in sales and public speaking, the secret is to know your audience. Used to work with some married, very sensual, women. they could be flirty in certain ways, in certain circumstances. But, around guys who wouldn't take no for an answer, they could consciously turn it off (but it was still in their nature, so they might unconsciously do something intimate or flirty or whatever you might want to call it). around fellows like me (or IG or Clooney or possibly a bunch else of us, I'll skip the list) they had less of a limitation. We all knew where the line was, and didn't color outside of it.

not to say that it was no holds barred--they still were cognizant they were married, and loved their husbands. they just knew that there could be other men out there who were cool to be around, fun to be around, had great personalities. to those men, they could have fun. not sexual fun, just the fun of being human, feeling alive, interacting. but for the guys just looking for a slot to drop their coin into....
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 76
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/22/2015 11:02:24 AM

Like in sales and public speaking, the secret is to know your audience. Used to work with some married, very sensual, women. they could be flirty in certain ways, in certain circumstances. But, around guys who wouldn't take no for an answer, they could consciously turn it off (but it was still in their nature, so they might unconsciously do something intimate or flirty or whatever you might want to call it). around fellows like me (or IG or Clooney or possibly a bunch else of us, I'll skip the list) they had less of a limitation. We all knew where the line was, and didn't color outside of it.

not to say that it was no holds barred--they still were cognizant they were married, and loved their husbands. they just knew that there could be other men out there who were cool to be around, fun to be around, had great personalities. to those men, they could have fun. not sexual fun, just the fun of being human, feeling alive, interacting. but for the guys just looking for a slot to drop their coin into....


I think this I true and I see it in myself.
I can be very flirty, I'm by nature friendly and chatty, but I've never crossed the line into leading someone on, and
I'm very careful to not make someone I'm with uncomfortable.

I'd like to think a SO would trust me, but I don't go out of my way to give anyone something to think about.
I'd like to think they'd have the same respect for me. Flirting with waitstaff in a restaurant is one thing, but taking
it to the level of getting personal with questions is something else. I did go out with a guy that did this and it was
annoying as hell...for me and the waitress.

Don't become someone you don't like watching and don't go out of your way to make your SO uncomfortable is
pretty much what I consider my boundaries.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 77
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/24/2015 11:42:19 AM

I think this I true and I see it in myself.
I can be very flirty, I'm by nature friendly and chatty, but I've never crossed the line into leading someone on, and
I'm very careful to not make someone I'm with uncomfortable.


Very well said.

Being South American, we are always flirty. But with that said, we or at least I keep a sense of boundaries. My ex wife was a great flirt, but quickly let other know that she was with me. She used the Southern version of flirting and called everyone hon. Then I had a gf that didn't know when to stop and establish boundaries. It got so bad with her, that I could not take her to a bar. She would say that she didn't mean anything wrong, but she failed to communicate to these men that she was with me and many a times ended up collecting phone numbers from them. Not good. Then there's my current girlfriend. She actually feels annoyed by the men flirting with her, so when we go to parties she hold to my arm most of the time, or quickly makes them know that she is with me. If I am talking to another woman, I make it clear that I am with my SO, so quickly they know I am not putting moods, or hitting on them.
 dahlingdarling
Joined: 5/11/2012
Msg: 78
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 4/27/2015 12:14:03 AM
I have no issues with flirting with other guys if I'm in a relationship. If my bf at the time has an issue with it I just point out that he most likely sexually desires other gals, sexually fantasizes about other gals, and masturbates to porn so he's being a bit hypocritical to try to limit my sexual expression.
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 79
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/3/2015 3:58:38 PM
In a lot of Hispanic cultures, flirting is the natural pastime.

In North America, not so much.

I do not flirt with other women if I am in a relationship
and
she should not flirt with other men if she is in a relationship
with me.

I do not play with people's feelings.

Exactly how does flirting enhance YOUR relationship?
 NikonGuy007
Joined: 4/1/2012
Msg: 80
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/3/2015 3:59:10 PM
"national pastime"
 denialism
Joined: 9/26/2015
Msg: 81
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/4/2015 6:17:11 AM
My two cents... honesty, mutual understanding and mutual consent. People have to set boundaries very early in a relationship to avoid unpleasant surprises. Often, there will be a series of agreeable provisions or false pretenses by which couples initially ensnare each other into commitment; this is dysfunctional and leads, inevitably, to unpleasant surprises and a high divorce rate. The best we can do is try to engage relationships with people who have belief systems similar to our own. Honesty is everything.
 pepperstrand
Joined: 1/25/2015
Msg: 82
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/4/2015 6:58:53 AM
Wow, sorry to hear your troubles. Why did he not tell you this before marriage. That is a nasty piece of work right there. I am glad you cane to your senses and got out before he did anything about those feelings. That is sad that he was not truthful with himself. I hope you got some counselling after that marriage.
 SingularSensation
Joined: 7/26/2015
Msg: 83
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What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/10/2015 11:50:45 PM
Plain and simple:: If you are in a one on one relationship than you should not be on a dating site. Communication is the key to any successful relationship. My bf at the time is still on here and was on here Using my computer and checking any mail he received from women. LOl Not only was and still on here but also on craigslist soliciting men for sex. Oh Well! As my profile mentions "Looking for a Normal Straight man"!!!.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 84
What do you think about flirting when in a primary relationship?
Posted: 10/13/2015 7:12:25 AM
I work in the club industry. Flirting is kind of part of the job in places like that. It's harmless though - you have to be pretty secure to date someone in the field because it happens a lot and doesn't always mean you have to worry. I once saw two people have a huge fight due to the woman taking off her engagement ring when working the bar, her boyfriend was working security. Truthfully the tips are a lot better when you do this...if you can keep your eye on the big picture this won't be such a huge problem.
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