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 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 26
Why do some people rush things?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Another question should be why do people string others along and waste their time? You stated that you just got out of a relationship last summer that was long term and now you're not wanting something serious, if so, why waste this guys time? I really don't get it. Sometimes we have to do grown up things like care about other people's feelings and be less selfish. I believe he is moving too fast and if you are truly interested it might take you another 2 to 3 months to feel the same way. Discuss this with him. I also don't get why it's so wrong to hold hands in public either. That is what romantic coupling off is all about.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 27
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:24:38 AM
And sometimes, more often than not, someone who's attention blow so VERY hot too soon, burn out just as quickly and they are onto the next "chupacabra"....
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Another question should be why do people string others along and waste their time? You stated that you just got out of a relationship last summer that was long term and now you're not wanting something serious, if so, why waste this guys time? I really don't get it. Sometimes we have to do grown up things like care about other people's feelings and be less selfish. I believe he is moving too fast and if you are truly interested it might take you another 2 to 3 months to feel the same way. Discuss this with him. I also don't get why it's so wrong to hold hands in public either. That is what romantic coupling off is all about.


Yes Dee, the key word is "sometimes" & "chupacabra". Men who are players can find many chupacabras when they are young. But once they hit middle age, women like the OP are very rare, for him to find the next one, well it just would not happen.

When I met the 2 men I had serious relationships before I got married, then my husband & then the 2 after the marriage split, it went fairly quick. We met, we clicked, there was an instant mutual attraction & neither of us us wished to waste time.

When a man has been searching for a special lady & it's been a while, when he meets a lady he thinks can be "the one", he doesn't want to waffle.

However, if he acts childish & immature about it, that is a red flag. Maybe we can get some additional input from the OP as to what he did/said specifically that made her uncomfortable?
***************************************
I agree w/ HotDogShop 100%
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 28
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:50:49 AM
OP posted this in msg.15



have also asked twice to not have my hair/ head fondled nor be called baby- 




these things i have told him about seem to be " in one ear snd out the other" he continues on apeaking as though he has decided what path we will take together




but then new years day the whiney "think of you all day, everything to please you, no ones like you, constant touching in the car while driving, sighing etc atarted again so i go from thinking theres a connection forming and feeling happy to thinking inside omg when can i get away from him- 



From what I gather here, she had talked to him about this, but he's not listening. She probably feels smothered. The more she resists, the harder he tries. I've been guilty of doing the same thing that he has done. I'm still learning how to slow down.

She seems to enjoy his company, but is slower to come around. She may be a bit emotionally distant (needs her space periodically), while he is the opposite. He may have to dial it back a notch, but it wouldn't hurt for her to dial it up a notch to at least meet somewhere in the middle.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 29
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 7:03:58 AM
TY CoolDog :0)

I think what both you & HotDog say are more relevant for OP's situation, if he doesn't have the ability to "dial it down", she needs to exit & allow him to smother a more receptive "chupacabra" & he may have to settle for a more "ordinary" chick.

I don't think OP is mean/stringing him along per se, she's still getting over her last relationship & is not quite ready to be leading lady in this man's script. Right now "best supporting actress" is the best he can hope for!
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 30
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 8:53:04 AM

Shakti, meaning no disrespect and not trying to start a fight, but I just read a post by you, in a different thread, wherein you said you were trying to work on your inner problems which were keeping you from a relationship. After reading the above post, I have to agree, you do need to work on that. Referring to any gentleman who pays you too much attention as “humping my leg” reveals a great degree of hostility and animosity.
I can't stand it, and it isn't something I have any control over. Once a man starts coming on too fast, constantly wanting more, showering me with whatever he thinks will 'cement' things.. when he doesn't even really know me.. I just shut down.

Without the phrase 'humping my leg' would it have sounded hostile? I usually say that it feels like they are trying to inhale me whole. I don't view it as a failing on my part to want to take things slowly, to want to get to know the unique person I am involved with, as opposed to gripping on as tight as I can just because someone has shown an interest.

I want to be able to build trust and respect, and a man coming on like that doesn't do it for me. I can see what is motivating him, and I don't have any interest in it at all.

But there are men who aren't that way, who like to take things a bit more slowly and REALITY based as well, so I'll continue listening to my own intuition/warning bells as opposed to substituting someone else's for my own.

When a man has been searching for a special lady & it's been a while, when he meets a lady he thinks can be "the one", he doesn't want to waffle.
And he's going to know that so quickly?? Based on what? Her pics, the way she messages or eats her meal on their second date? That's exactly what I don't like about it. Can't he remove the blinders based on some weird fantasy that he is projecting and see who is in front of him, be in the moment? If the other person isn't feeling the same, hello..
 Doremi_Fasolatido
Joined: 2/14/2009
Msg: 31
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 9:13:19 AM
OP, If you find it difficult to talk with this guy about your feelings you may try referring him to this thread of yours.

If he is on POF. If not, maybe read it together sometime and maybe he'll see how he is behaving and how it makes you feel... Communication, whether sitting down and having a heart to heart or reading it in a forum post you composed may help him see the light. That is, if you're still interested in encouraging his amorous advances.

If not, the curb is always there. At least wait till the night before trash pickup before putting him out.
 AutumnLakes
Joined: 10/17/2014
Msg: 32
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 9:31:37 AM
[Another question should be why do people string others along and waste their time? You stated that you just got out of a relationship last summer that was long term and now you're not wanting something serious, if so, why waste this guys time? I really don't] i have both told him in person and emailed that because of this i am not ready to jump. In
His response is to say ok i understand but in same email ask if i am ending things with him when he was so looking forward to visiting my relatives in the usa and my son at university out of province and that he gas even been looking at trips down south for us
Yesterday alone i received 4 emails each a full page long pontificating on how relationships have to be worked on, mutual care and trust ......
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 33
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 9:51:13 AM

Without the phrase 'humping my leg' would it have sounded hostile? I usually say that it feels like they are trying to inhale me whole. I don't view it as a failing on my part to want to take things slowly, to want to get to know the unique person I am involved with, as opposed to gripping on as tight as I can just because someone has shown an interest.

I want to be able to build trust and respect, and a man coming on like that doesn't do it for me. I can see what is motivating him, and I don't have any interest in it at all.

But there are men who aren't that way, who like to take things a bit more slowly and REALITY based as well, so I'll continue listening to my own intuition/warning bells as opposed to substituting someone else's for my own.


Exactly...

@blonde...
I think I get where you're coming from, but for ME I have actually been TOTALLY turned off by a man who is like this even when, initially, I WAS extremely interested....
I mean, what's the rush?

@autumn...
Ok stop now!!! LOL You're giving me the heebie jeebies...lol

But seriously, if the pros outweigh the cons and it's ONLY this that is the biggest issue, I WOULD try and talk to him again, but don't allow him to brush it off, minimize or invalidate what you're saying....
I call that my (patent pending) "Pit bull Approach"...
choose a time and place with absolute privacy and no danger of interruptions, sit him down and maintain eye contact while you explain how you feel...
Ask him to repeat it back to you, so that you KNOW that he heard you...and then stand back and see what he does with that...
I've personally found that sometimes, people caught up in the "fantasy" of imminent coupledom, can almost check out when you are trying to tell them anything that MAY destroy the infatuation they are feeling.
And it's more a matter of ensuring that you're heard, initially at least...but the reality is that often I've found personally, that same imbalance can and does continue throughout the relationship...
Read up on the theory of polarities in relationships, fascinating stuff....
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 34
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 10:00:19 AM

Yesterday alone i received 4 emails each a full page long pontificating on how relationships have to be worked on, mutual care and trust ......
And reading it makes your heart all aglow, right? Lol. This is after only 3 weeks??

I once told a guy he was moving too fast, he then proceeded to send me 7 large texts in the span of 20 min when he knew I was at work.. asking what I meant? Was it because he called me beautiful a lot? Omg, there are no words.

Those who are saying that the guy is just excited.. I get excited too, who doesn't? But I recognize that said excitement is based on a fantasy that you have created about the person. You can't possibly know them or the potential of what your compatibility could be in 3 weeks. I don't run with that excitement until I do some reality testing, and I prefer those who are confident enough to do the same.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 35
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 10:45:03 AM

When a man has been searching for a special lady & it's been a while, when he meets a lady he thinks can be "the one", he doesn't want to waffle.
And he's going to know that so quickly??


Hell, yes.
I was GUILTY of not reading all the info earlier when I posted.
It's OK to go ga-ga over someone new & special to us, but not Ok to disrespect their boundaries, or be so self-absorbed that we confuse reality w/ fantasy.

I suspect that I haven't met as many men off the net as some other on here did, but the few that I did, there seemed to be either a distinct "click" that was mutual or a distinct "he l l no", so the few that I did see again, the interest was mutual.

I do think when a man wants a serious relationship & has been searching, he recognizes that woman immediately - all of my relationships from age 18 thru current (& it was a grand total of 5 five men) all said the same thing & I think if I am not mistaken, IG said the same about his fiancée, can the other men in here give us input?

OP I think that he really liked u a lot from the get go but he was too wrapped up in his own joy to see you were not 100% into him while he was 100% into you.
 LittleLadyMaxine
Joined: 4/11/2014
Msg: 36
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 1:08:21 PM
Let me explain the birds and the bees to ya.... women usually have the most control over relationships... they decide if it will happen, when it's gonna start, and when it will end! It's been this way as far back as I can find records... since the 1800's. The trouble is, guys without game don't know this... too bad, so sad!

What guys should be doing is getting numbers, asking for a date once a week, and going for the first kiss within the first 3 dates... let her bring up the rest... because one thing is for sure... nothing is going to happen until she gets the idea first! Men moving too fast is one of the biggest problems in the modern dating world.

---------Gary and Marie
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 37
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 4:31:20 PM
LittleladyMaxine

You are spot on!! Men pressuring women to do as they want, when they want, will get them nowhere but some take a long time to learn this and will just constantly whine about how frustrated and unhappy they are.
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 38
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:00:19 PM

Another question should be why do people string others along and waste their time?


If you involved with been in the friend zone relationship, & a lot of people seem to enjoy & be in that position &
U thinking it should be more...... then cut your losses & keep looking cuz t"the fst lady has sung for you" sorry

As for the rushing into a relationship why....imo most will say anything maybe cuz they been lonely for some time... haven't been with anyone for a long time, haven't dated much lately & forgot the proper protocol imo....

And even if.........they are madly in love with you from the get go, why rush it? Or......unless your 16 years old, then I get it, & in the way you thinking ......& keep repeating your said dating pattern. good luck.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 39
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 5:53:33 PM
I know people who have met and married in three weeks. I also know couples who met at a bar, got drunk, slept together that night and have been together for 25 years. The trick - IT WAS MUTUAL.
If both of you feel the same way, it doesn't matter. Problem is when you don't.
 BLoNDeANGeL845
Joined: 6/10/2014
Msg: 40
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:24:16 PM
I wish some of the men would come in & tell about how quick it was when they met a woman they were really into...
Dee ^^^ gave some great examples & made a point about "mutual"!
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 41
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:31:12 PM
Msg 42 - yes, I agree. I know a couple who got married a month after they first met at a car wash. They have been happily married for 25 years and have 3 kids (the first kid was born 10 months after they first met). They are still CRAZY for each other, still in love with each other and true soul mates. That's what I want. I've only had this immediate feeling for one guy, and it was mutual. After knowing him for a few hours he told me that I should have his last name. I still think about him every day.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 42
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:48:37 PM
angel--since all the pictures I've seen purporting to be Chupacabras have looked like starved dogs with mange, I think I'd be careful using it as a compliment, lol!

I've had a few hurriers in my life. And, to date, it's never worked, long term. When it shows up, my heart sinks if it's someone I really like. . . . And alas, I haven't been wrong yet. Easy in, easy out; distractible; insecure and overenthusiastic? Don't know. Just know that soon or late he's gonna make tracks. I'm pretty sure it doesn't have much to do with me, one way or the other.

 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 43
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 6:48:59 PM
I never actually felt that at all, even when I was liked someone. I have no clue what that feeling is like.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 44
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/5/2015 11:15:23 PM
I would not want to rush into a relationship, but it shouldn't take YEARS to actually meet someone in person to determine if there is "anything there." And lots of men (and women) seem to drag out that "first meet" time.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 45
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 4:39:15 AM
@blonde...
This is what I mentioned earlier in the thread...

And please spare me any wonderful stories about "love at first sight"....99% of the time people who CLAIM to have experienced it have mistaken infatuation for love and were just LUCKY enough that when they came out of the fog, they actually DID have a high level of compatibility with their partner which they were then able to build on until it BECAME love...although the actual feelings may have felt all mixed up together...
I've heard this story from MANY elderly folks who have had a Lifetime to reflect on past relationships and even THEY will admit that is (often) what happened...


I maintain that it is impossible to "love" someone when you DON'T know them...

But I guess that begs the question as to what does "love" mean int his context, to the majority of people...

Btw...I actually personally know one of "those" couples....they met at a conference and I was rooming with the woman. They were immediately attracted to each other, spent the majority of the week end together, and then went on to get married, have kids, and live happily-ever-after....and are still together today
BUT...
Upon running into her and then going for lunch one day, I had the opportunity to pick her brain about the subject...
I asked her if my "theory" applied in her case and I hadn't even finished asking the question before she replied with a resounding, "Oh, YES!!" and laughed....

She actually added that she also felt that a LARGE part of it was that they were young,(by that she explained that they were inexperienced in relationships, less "picky" or jaded, etc. ) early and mid-20's, that the timing was perfect, in that they BOTH wanted and were ready to get married and start a family, etc., as well...

Interpersonal relationships, such as family systems, romantic relationships, and even group behaviour, are kind of a "pet interest" of mine and after reading a book by Leo Buscaglia, combined with doing a thesis on the chemical processes involved in the act of "falling in love"...I gained a new perspective on how people fall in love...
It really appears to have more to do with our OWN brain chemistry and timing, than it does with who we actually meet....

Which would explain a LOT, if you think about it...such as those seemingly mismatched couples, ie. ugly woman/hot guy and vice verse....for example.

Anyway...it's just a theory and only my own, personal opinion and while I myself had a 6 yr. relationship that started the same way, I still maintain that it wasn't actually "love" until about a year into it....
The beauty is that we're all different and even I have met some people who seem to be SO certain of their feelings for someone and that NEVER wavers, which disproves my "theory"...

Just a testament to the amazing variation and complexity of the human animal....
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 46
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 5:05:56 AM

angel--since all the pictures I've seen purporting to be Chupacabras have looked like starved dogs with mange, I think I'd be careful using it as a compliment, lol!

LOL TY Wooby- actually, it is Patty Stanger who uses "chupacabra" referring to the "hot chick" or "hot guy" & I think it is cute!

There's so much posturing & posing going on in OLD that when 2 people meet who aren't & have a mutual connection, it seems to go fast.

I know a gal who joined a hiking meetup group & met a handsome man, they clicked & that was it- she is in her late 40's he is in his 50's. Why waste time?

IMO much of the waffling that goes on in OLD is due to "juggling" or just psychological issues among the perpetually single. Doesn't make them a bad person either, just not dateable.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 47
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 9:12:10 AM
^^^
This.Its funny actually.What people say they want and what it actually is that they want.Women are worse of course. :)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 48
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 9:47:34 AM
People with instant love, that went on to work out after they found they really did like each other, rarely talk about how many times before that, that they felt the same way about someone and it didn't work out. Some people are in love with love/lust, they need that first feeling of euphoria when everything tingles and stars flow from their eyes. Sometimes after a plethora of this they start backing up and thinking, wait a minute here, why does this always end so badly. Someone who needs the first flush isn't going to be around long once that turns into knowing each other. Those who fell quickly and lasted, would have done so if they'd taken their time too. If it's not lasting through time, then it's obviously a serial string of lust followed by moving on to the next high. Of course there's always exceptions, but mostly I've found when people talk about instant highs, they aren't really talking about the other person, they are talking about the newness, the attention, the excitement without knowing the person, and once they know the person then the fantasy is ruined because no one usually lives up to that lustful fantasy.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 49
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Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 10:49:47 AM

_shakti_
Without the phrase 'humping my leg' would it have sounded hostile? I usually say that it feels like they are trying to inhale me whole.


You are correct, it was the phrase “humping my leg” which made your post sound hostile (at least to me).

Everyone has to move at a speed that seems appropriate to them. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and if those 2 are on different pages, moving at different speeds, it probably isn’t going to work out. But I really feel like if you’re six weeks into dating someone, you ought to try talking before giving up.

I also think this “kicking to the curb” is a rather hostile thing to say. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems to me that if this gentlemen has invested time, energy, emotions into you (the OP) over a period of 6 weeks, he just might deserve a little more respect than that. Words do matter, you know. When the posters here say, “kick him to the curb”, they are revealing a lot of hostilities. Why not say, “end this relationship” instead?

For example, BlondeAngel says:


if he doesn't have the ability to "dial it down", she needs to exit


Can you see how “she needs to exit” sounds much less hostile than “kick him to the curb”?


DeeTriState
I know people who have met and married in three weeks. I also know couples who met at a bar, got drunk, slept together that night and have been together for 25 years. The trick - IT WAS MUTUAL.
If both of you feel the same way, it doesn't matter. Problem is when you don't.


This is it, in a nutshell. And we covered this pretty thoroughly, back on the first page of this thread. Then again, if we didn’t rehash everything over and over, what else would we be doing while sitting around bored out of our skulls? (smile)
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 50
Why do some people rush things?
Posted: 1/6/2015 8:45:37 PM
The term, "kicking him to the curb" is much less offensive to me than someone who makes constant sexual innuendos and thinks they're being witty.
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