Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 26
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Several of you really hit a cord and described exactly what I felt and experienced. I cannot single each thing out, as I forgot how to repaste the phrases you wrote (duh!). To be clear, to me, I don't care how much money made or specific job one has. My use of the word "lesser" reflected his outlook on the work available for much less money and that it was also lessened to part time, shortly after that job was secured. Jobs in tech here are downsized significantly. Let's face it, they go for the young hires with the newer technologies. Nonetheless, I understand now, that the issues did not start here in our living together, nor will they end here.
A person has to want to do the work, not only to communicate with a partner and plan a future path, but also go through the pain of working on themselves. There is also a lot of energy drain, dealing with this economy. This is more so true, if you spent every penny that you had when you were making good money, rather than plan for a "rainy day". For him, the issues will continue and could be a downfall. We all have basic bills and responsibilities that come before frivolous spending and these do take communication if they are to be shared in a relationship. I cringe about what may happen to him, but I know I can no longer enable and nag. That way, I become the "****" and he keeps on doing the destructive behaviors, dragging me further down.
Did i try? You bet. Was I clear? You bet. My clarity as to the needs before us was seen as "nagging". The issues were not rocket science. He was tired, I get that. But, so was I. I have lyme disease for beejezus sake! He gets that now that my "threats" (as perceived by him) were real and we are both very sad. I was being taken for granted, I am told. My "threats" were not enough that he would change. I think my flexibility and exhausting work went unnoticed by him, maybe even still. He does not want to know about money and bills. His sadness is about leaving (he does not like change) and I do believe he loves me feeling wise, but not enough to address the core issues. Love is not just a feeling, it is a lot of work. The work does pay off, if both are willing to do it and problem solve to make things easier.
Thanks for sharing. It helps, I do not know why, to know I am not alone with respect to these matters.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 27
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:19:32 PM

We all have basic bills and responsibilities that come before frivolous spending and these do take communication if they are to be shared in a relationship..


He does not want to know about money and bills.


Well, exactly who was taking care of HIS basic bills and responsibilities when he WASN'T living with you?

Did he just completely change from a responsible individual when he lived alone into a "frat boy" type when he moved in with you? Or did he always live like a "frat boy" type?
 caboblue
Joined: 12/28/2014
Msg: 28
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:33:52 PM
"Core issue'"
You surprised me by using this term.
I used that as my base foundation expression of the central issues facing what we had.
So much so were actions that pulled my girl away from the core importances.
Maybe its fear of the reality that precedes it.
I'd like to think that if someone who has issues, could drop their own fears, and face the very problems that exist.
It seems to me, that if we could have actively sat down and equally faced each other, we could have broke ground with actually agreeing that we have a problem.
Awareness is a word someone uses to describe me.
Yet, someone, no matter how patiently we try, can't awaken from what troubles them.
They are avoiding the reality, the truth, or somehow maybe afraid? of accepting the responsibility of what is broken about themselves.
I center myself, by looking for then establishing my core.
From this I believe we can resolve almost anything.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 29
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:43:00 PM
No, I've honestly never been in a situation where I love someone but can not live with him and/or plan a future with him. In two of my serious long term relationships we've lived together, but the love had long gone once we separated.

One thing I've learned though is that co-habitation really is not for everybody and/or for every couple. Not saying it can’t work, but it really can be a strain on a relationship as it’s definitely the ultimate stress test for any relationship.

It is a big, as in huge, difference if you do not live together and get together when both really feel like it, or if you live together and have to be together even if you don’t feel like it.

Unfortunately, you’ll never really know unless you try, therefore, don’t be too stressed now about the two of you not working out with actually living together.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 3:43:06 PM
OP, I've just read your posts, not others.
Sounds like you were trying to change him. That's not what you do in a relationship in our 60's, and you are 66. So you were nagging.

I wish he could come here and present his side.

I suggest counseling or self reflection to help you not repeat this in the next relationship.

I'm thinking again to the Michael Jackson song, "Man in the Mirror"

"I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .
That's Why I Want You To Know
I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change"
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 31
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 4:01:40 PM
Yes,OP. I have had that experience, more than once and for the most part was able to put the brakes on BEFORE co-habitation came into the picture.
In fact, I've pretty much decided that getting married again, or cohabiting, are not things I want to do.
I have a lot of friends that are very long-time married couples, where both are retired. Many of them have gotten involved in volunteer/charity work, started second careers or small businesses. They keep themselves occupied.
I'm sorry that your relationship is not working out.
Another poster made an observation that cohabitation decisions made based on somebody having problems, gets off on the wrong foot right out of the gate. I'd be very inclined to agree with that.
Cindy O
 caboblue
Joined: 12/28/2014
Msg: 32
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 4:39:42 PM

Another poster made an observation that cohabitation decisions made based on somebody having problems, gets off on the wrong foot right out of the gate. I'd be very inclined to agree with that.


Very good pointe!!!
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 33
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 4:44:59 PM
You moved from being his lover to his caregiver - then felt the same resentment some caregivers feel.
I imagine it was a blow to his ego, I would have reckoned you'd not move him in...
Sorry you feel betrayed
Meanwhile I love how you write and darn near fell off my chair when I saw your age
You are beautiful, smart and alas you are one of those " fixer" people. Can't fix everything tho
I wish you a better New Year :)
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 34
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 5:56:30 PM
Hi Serenity, welcome back (but sorry you're back - I was rooting for you).

Yes, I've had a past relationship where we loved each other but couldn't live together or plan a future together. But the circumstances were not like yours, Serenity. I was very willing to live together. We both had a history of being caretakers of irresponsible 'takers' in our marriages so we each did not have experience with good boundaries - how to build, acknowledge, and/or maintain them. So we'd listed out (in writing) an initial delineation of duties along with frank discussions about finances, family obligations, alone time, work/life balance, etc. This was a way of setting mutual boundaries. For my part it was not so much to protect myself from him becoming a taker but to protect 'us' from either of us becoming caretakers.

Of course these agreements were never intended to be set in stone, they were a starting point that was intended to evolve with the relationship. Which never got to the move-in point. As someone said above, "love is not enough." There must also be faith, trust, forgiveness and a host of other traits both in oneself and in the other. That's what doomed us - he didn't have faith, trust, or forgiveness for himself. Unless or until he does, there can be no future for 'us'. Sad. It's just really sad.
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 6:12:18 PM
yes. and that's all I have to say about that.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 36
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 6:22:39 PM
The OP lives in California. For others who say sell your Houses & get one together, they may not understand the Peculiarities of Property Tax Law in California. If you have owned a Hose for 20-30 years or more, or inherited one from your Parents/Grandparents..... Your Property Taxes could be way lower than others. It could on a order of 10 times different than the Person who just bought the House next door....

This came about because Older People on fixed incomes were being forced to sell their Homes they owned free & clear because their Property Taxes were being raised more than they could pay...
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 37
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 7:27:01 PM

Did i try? You bet. Was I clear? You bet. My clarity as to the needs before us was seen as "nagging". The issues were not rocket science. He was tired, I get that.


Yeah but you know what, you did the best thing you could. Id like to think I wouldn't let a girl drag me down, but I very recently let that happen. And ill tell you, not that you don't already know. But that takes strength and willpower to do what you did. To walk away from a emotionally caustic relationship with feelings fully attached.


Thanks for sharing. It helps, I do not know why, to know I am not alone with respect to these matters.


Likewise
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 38
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 8:49:18 PM
OP, you're not really describing "Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with them?" -- you're more describing "Were you ever still in love for the time being, while breaking up with someone you're incompatible with?" And yes, it's Quite Common. Nothing special or out of the ordinary, or even uncommon. In fact, it'd be Uncommon NOT to still be in love with someone when you have been in love and have been living together but it's not working out and you're breaking up at the Right Time (not a prolonged ever-so-dragged on).

Thoughts on the matter?

Logistically, it's a pretty simple concept. Emotionally? Yeah, it's going to be tough for anyone. Just a classic BF/GF thing where things didn't mesh. You'll move on, and in the not too distant future, you'll be swapping fluids with another guy, as he'll be jabbing away and happy with another lady. Right now of course, you're not feeling/thinking about that, so that's understandable.

I could use some grounding, before I get back into dating again.

Yeah, of course -- at this point, sure. He isn't even moved out yet. But don't worry. You're a very attractive woman for being in your 60s. There'll be plenty of guys in their 50s and 60s wanting to be with you. I guess your main concern is how to handle the rebound-effect. Don't worry about dating Right Now, but about a week or so after he leaves -- FTOG (Find Ten Other Guys) -- date some. It starts clearing the air in your head about your ex. And redecorate your place -- it helps much more than you think.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 9:12:27 PM
A POF friend from Mississippi just emailed me to come back and read the comments again. I was not aware so many people were "rooting" for me in my relationship absence from the forums and that is such an amazing feeling. Thank you! I often take risks with my posting and pretty much everything else in life. I'd like to think they are educated risks and I do tend to be intuitive and empathetic, so my boundaries are a bit wider that most. This is why maybe I am not taken seriously when I ask for help or cooperation.

If anyone thinks this is easy to pose this as a topic , it is not. But, I have gotten great feedback in the past from those who share their stories as well. My feelings run deep. I make tough decisions because I have learned the hard way. But, sometimes I just cannot predict. Or, maybe the lesson is learned and I have more to undertake from a spiritual perspective.

I see a few rather odd comments injecting words or meaning into what I wrote, based maybe upon personal experience or maybe just meanness. I don't have the energy to address the any meanness right now, nor any patience. If you think I am full of it. Fine, you think that. I am not into gossiping about more details or sides. I am looking to deal with my own pain and to learn, so I can move on and make more on- target decisions for my future. For example, I always thought I would remarry. Now I would be surprised, just given the reality. I always wanted to live with my mate. I still want to do that, but I am wondering if that too might be unrealistic based upon this experience.

I pretty much share everything that I can and even give away a lot. But, there are certain things with daily living that need to be respected. A perfect example of this is dealing with the water shortage. People living together where we live, must address things like this. This kind of thing is not about being bossy or the one who owns the house. I am not particularly bossy about sharing food, things, whatever. So please don't put words or actions in my mouth. My guy was also a giver in emotional ways. The rest, I believe, he just did not get. Unfortunately, these things are necessary to survive in today's world of less work options and increased costs of living, unless you are rich and have full time hired help.

I have spent so many years of my life, being there for other people's pain and not minding it. But, I do draw the line. Plus, as the saying goes: you must take the oxygen on the plane (while going down) for yourself, first and foremost, so it will give you the resources and energy to help any others who might need you. It is a fine line between enabling and being there for someone. Right now I am sucking up oxygen:)

My issue or shall I say question, is about living with someone and planning a viable future. Sometimes you are just on a different wavelength or perhaps your life experiences or personalities are meant for romance, but not for daily living. I was an only child. Some things I just don't get! I tend to be romantic, but underneath I have learned to do what is practical, even though it hurts. It hurts a lot to separate. It hurts both parties. I have done it before. Just did not think I would be doing it again. I don't need to live in "my" house and totally willing to downsize and share a smaller one. That is just not the issue for me.

I gained 30 pounds during the past 6 months, eating away at my desperation. I stopped this, after I made my decision.
That says something. So my focus is back on me. Taking care of my lyme disease, my family and pets, finding easy but disciplined ways to exercise, etc. given the pain and limitations of this disability. I find that when I am on the right path, my Higher Power sends me assistance. Yesterday, I found a group that does hiking and walking for those not as "fit" as the average person. I get so fatigued with my lyme that I cannot keep up with my healthier friends. This group is a G-send for me. I host dance meetups and now have to find a way to do that on my own or enlist my meetup friends to help set it up. I am going to see movies with them and now can sit with them, whereas before we needed to sit way in the back. Little things like this are opening up. I am very grateful.

Clearly I am not ready for dating. This is like going through the stages of death. I have been crying all day long, as has he. This week, I am going to get a Meyer's****ail at the doctor's filled with vitamins and anti oxidents, get my fingernails and toes painted, make an appointment for a facial after my next check comes in, take a walk with my new exercise group and make a botox appointment! Having been very sick in my late 40's and early 50's before a year of IV antibiotics, where I looked like death warmed over, I have no guilt about sprucing myself up and dealing with the weight gain, which I hide under my jacket, but trust me, I am not pregnant and it is there, lol. Of course, like when I was sick and started getting better after IV, the boobs are the first to go when you start losing the pounds. Sigh.....
 caboblue
Joined: 12/28/2014
Msg: 40
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 10:23:05 PM
I think that you are just fine.
Just process your moment.
It takes time.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 41
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 11:03:43 PM
But, there are certain things with daily living that need to be respected. A perfect example of this is dealing with the water shortage. People living together where we live, must address things like this.

I live near the Great Lakes. Man, it must suck to live out in the desert. But are you being a conversationist on him? I wouldn't be to him, always getting on his case unless he ranks at the top of the neighborhood is wasting water without a care in the world. If he merely isn't all that conservative on the water -- I wouldn't let that issue get to you when there's important meshing/compatibility things to deal with & resolve.

My guy was also a giver in emotional ways. The rest, I believe, he just did not get.

What you described though isn't that hard to get -- whether one agrees or disagrees -- so it screams a lack of communication. When people have too much emotion thrown into things, many things don't register (thus bad communication). If one's being a lecture-hound (not saying you come across that way; I wouldn't know) -- yeah, the other person's not going to get nearly as easily because again, that's another form of ineffective communication. If someone's truly an emotional giver and is a good person at heart, I can see conflicts -- but understanding and putting things into perspective shouldn't be that hard.

Sometimes you are just on a different wavelength or perhaps your life experiences or personalities are meant for romance, but not for daily living.

True. Some people don't get along so well in daily Living Together -- especially in more cramped spaces and being relatively poor. That's when True compatibility becomes a test. Some couples can be Very Happy, but they fortunately never had to experience that.

I find that when I am on the right path, my Higher Power sends me assistance.

That kind of goes along with another thread sub-topic: When you do the right things, you get "luckier". The ball bounces your way more often -- you'll pick up more turnovers, etc. I don't think any gods would be required for that, but at some points in life, especially depressive times, it sure feels like it.

Clearly I am not ready for dating. This is like going through the stages of death. I have been crying all day long, as has he.

Maybe leading up to this breakup you weren't ready for a live-in relationship and were too stringent to what fit him? And/or he was too "blah" about many of the little things that affected you so (too?) much? With all that you described, maybe it wasn't the most ideal time to be in a live-in Relationship.

Of course, like when I was sick and started getting better after IV, the boobs are the first to go when you start losing the pounds. Sigh.....

Well, that's why they invented good boob jobs. :) Plus, your picture from 2010 -- you're a very appetizing looking lady, especially for 60-something. And the more recent ones still make you seem like you'd be a hot delicious item at a seniors' ball (see Viagra commercials). I'm sure you're not ready to date right now... of course not, with him still there and you both still crying about it.

One thing that puzzles me from it is that you haven't really gone to describe his view on it -- his explanations, how he takes it from what he says & conveys, etc. Just summations of how he's seemed to be that you didn't like, and how he doesn't "get it".
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 42
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/11/2015 11:44:05 PM
Yes well I thought I could but I know it wouldn't of gone well you know.

I was more like a mother to my ex than a girlfriend
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 43
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 12:33:42 AM
Sometimes people really just don't "get it" and it REALLY is the fault of one person and NOT the other....

Trying a variety of ways to communicate and coming up empty normally means that you're dealing with a self-centered individual who is blinded to other's feelings with the exception of their own.

Attempting to "make" a partner understand your feelings is just codependant, if someone has willingness it is THEIR job to be clear about what they don't understand...NOT yours...

Sounds like you're doing what you need to do now to take care of yourself...
All you can do is take what you've learned here, and hopefully apply it in the future, good luck!
 caboblue
Joined: 12/28/2014
Msg: 44
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 5:03:13 AM

Sometimes people really just don't "get it" and it REALLY is the fault of one person and NOT the other....

Trying a variety of ways to communicate and coming up empty normally means that you're dealing with a self-centered individual who is blinded to other's feelings with the exception of their own.


That is a very good point!
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 45
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 6:15:15 AM
"almost untenable communication issues"

Communication is extremely difficult, it seems, not JUST in relationships.

I don't understand why.

You can write a simple sentence here, yet, many won't have a clue what you meant.

I'll give what should be a simple example that some here won't understand and it turned out to be a major misinterpretation in a relationship I had. Perhaps it's my lack of communication skills, but it all seems quite simple to me.

My fiancé lived with me and we agreed to buy a house we found together located between our workplaces. We had fixed up her house and sold it for a huge profit.

My big mistake: I suggested we can pay cash. Or finance it in both our names. Or finance it in her name to avoid capital gain taxes (about 25 grand at the time). I thought saving 25 grand was the best way to go, but it didn't matter to me and thought I made that clear to her. Mainly because I said, "It didn't matter to me!"

Many years later she said she took that as I no longer wanted to marry her. How? I don't have a clue. Maybe a woman or two here might understand. I don't!

She SHOULD have said something then - at the time of the suggestions. Not a word. No communication.

Over a 23 year period we only had a few communication problems. All turned out to be major ones. They shouldn't have. That first misunderstanding ended the marriage plans forever, but it was a great relationship for 20 years after that. Absolutely no problems while living together. It ended after we stopped living together. (I bought another house in another state and moved out over a verbal misunderstanding. When she said something along the lines that she wanted me out, I thought she meant it - didn't know why. She denied saying it later - after it was too late.)

Why do some people keep something that bothers them a great deal to themselves when a simple discussion might clear things up? Lack of communication seems like it might be a problem in a lot of relationships.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 46
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 6:57:46 AM


Why do some people keep something that bothers them a great deal to themselves when a simple discussion might clear things up? Lack of communication seems like it might be a problem in a lot of relationships.


I don't really think better communications will clear things up. It could be that if one communicates more clearly, you break up sooner. Those things "swept" under the rug can be deal breaker when brought to light.

The upside is breaking up sooner can leave more time for the future.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 7:06:52 AM
I think whether you are 20 or 50 moving in together for financial reasons is a bad one. Every example I can think of began with one person taking on the larger set of responsibilities and 'rescuing' the other person.
You can love someone and still not want to be their Mommy or Daddy.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 48
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 7:10:33 AM
I think the living apart together (LAT) can be more fun and last longer.

But I think the reason it lasts longer is it's easy to ignore a higher level of incompatibility. If one can live in a LAT for 20 years, then it seems like a good arrangement. But in my experience one or the other wants more than a LAT, or one or the other falls behind financially or health wise, and this is where it can break down.

I am not sure LAT arrangements last any longer than living together or marriages. They are easier to dissolve.

IMO when thinking about living together, any little thing that concerns you or annoys you about the other person, you need to image it will get 10 times worse. So one needs a nearly perfect dating life to even consider being able to live together.

I am not always sure about love either. Maybe some love is being comfortable and having fun, maybe there are degrees of love. I do think it need to be reciprocal sort of relationship where each contributes what both consider equal shares. It's not always equal about money, effort, etc, but in the end need to feel close to equal.

No doubt LT relationships can be difficult to navigate.

Good luck you in your future.
 Fire_and_Ice4_You
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 49
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 7:12:36 AM
I agree DB....I think, people try to ignore things and let it go and it then festers into a blow up.
Perhaps...The answer is "Honesty" with expectations and oneself first....more than communication.
I will try to communicate but when I am not being heard...then I shut down.
Then....The honesty kicks in....Can I accept this man/situation as is...put up or shut up.
More importantly....Am "I" happy? If the answer is no....I got to do something and if trying to communicate or work out my feelings or thoughts has failed already...then to leave is my next choice....imo.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 50
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/12/2015 7:20:43 AM
My feeling is at some point we reach a boundary where combining households is really challenging.
The majority of the time I have participated in these Forums there has been a girlfriend in my life who doesn't live here.

Having my girlfriend visit for a few days, or me going to her place for a few days historically "works" for us.
At the same time, my home is spotlessly meticulous. I am talking white-glove clean from top to bottom.

We can remain crazy for each other yet have the luxury of "downtime" to sit on the sofa and watch Law & Order marathons without any sense of guilt or either of us getting frustrated. From a logistics and travel perspective, it is really nice to have two "launchpads" from which to do fun stuff. Good luck, OP! :-)
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?