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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him      Home login  
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 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 73
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I've only lived with a man twice, and both times I was the one who paid the bills and took care of most of the household responsibilities. In many ways it felt like taking care of an extra child. When I think back to those days, I do more cringing than fondly remembering. I was very young though, and still had a lot of growing to do.

I would prefer at this point to live with someone, to be able to share all of that. But I do see how it could lead to a build up of incompatibility, especially since I have been living on my own (with kids but no other adult) for the vast majority of my life. It would take an adjustment for sure, and be easier in a home new to both of us.

But I can see the advantages of the LAT thing too. I guess much depends on the connection formed between two people.

Sorry for the heartache Op, I hope the parting goes as smoothly as it can.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 74
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 1:13:02 PM
Wow! After reading a lot of these posts, no wonder living together, marriage, "finding-the one" etc., is so hard to do. Many of us are so set in our ways, we are no longer willing to compromise. In some situations, that's okay, but not if you want a live-in relationship.

In successful relationships, there is always compromise (and tolerance). To get to that compromise, there are more than 64 flavors (ways) to do that than there types of concoctions at a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream parlor. If you or your significant other doesn't compromise, the live-in relationship is eventually going to be doomed.

For example: As we aged, my wife and I compromised on the issue of getting a good night's sleep. During the work week, I sleep in my own room, she in hers. Originally, I thought that arraignment was unusual, but when I talked about it with friends and family. I found out my grandparents, parents, all my three sisters and some of my fiends do the exact same thing we do.
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 75
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 1:37:06 PM
Dondea

What a mature, responsible observation.

So many here get into a relationship and it suddenly produces two victims.

So true about sleeping arrangements. Our family was very close growing up. Mom is from Norway. All four of us kids would often hop in bed with her and snuggle. My poor father, more American in culture, would use this as an excuse to sleep in one of our beds. When my sisters visit, we still will sleep in the same bed. My boyfriend escapes the gabbing fest by going to his place to sleep.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 76
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 4:50:50 PM
Flaneur001, yes i think you have an underlying point that goes even further back than my own situation. There is even more to it, that would be a totally other topic and not one I can get into right now. Problem is, I have done the very best I can. We needed to address a budget and both agreeing to behaviors and giving up things and sharing a workload--even though we are both "tired". At the end of the serenity prayer is: "wisdom to know the difference" and this is the very hardest part. I once asked a whole lot of religious leaders, as part of a community assessment way back, how do you acquire this wisdom? I was told by a very wise person, one day a time! Things seem to go in circles. Hopefully the circles get wider.

The days to my decision kept building. On top of it, his fuse was short and it scared me a bit. Denial leads to many different behaviors and believe me, if I could help I would. I have been advised that I can't by others who have been on "both sides" of this boat and have been able to stop the rocking either together or by leaving.

We both are crying, feeling bad. But, I think that this separation will force both of us to do what needs to be done individually. I did not lend money by the way, I just paid most of the living expenses and did most of the work or paid someone to do it. Again, this would have been okay by me if we had addressed how to cut these expenses and where to put the money, as well as how to share the workload and do what had to be done.

I get that being forced to work in a new workplace environment is difficult. I consulted most of my life and work went up and it went down. I also get I was putting myself in harms way, that I had surpassed my limits and that I am only one person. I wish it were otherwise. Some people have a hard time with change and life's challenges. It is sad, but it also affects others who love them. This past week, he has been helping, and packing. Wish it did not come to this and he had answered my pleas all along. He just was not able. Yes, "shut down" as you explained flaneur001. There were some very practical ways out, but only he can do it and only he can ask for help. I always ask for help. I guess not everyone can and that gets back to w
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 77
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 5:34:50 PM
I really would like to thank mostly all of you for your compassion and insight. I slowly reread and hope you don't mind, but am adding some of you as favorites (mostly women and some men), slow but sure, if our situations or your insight clicks with me, to find your posts again in the future re other topics. In the past, have made some lifer friends from these forums:)

As to working on me:

Yes TALL IQ 2:
I wrote in my younger days and after that mostly re consulting with hospitals, etc. I have reached many of my goals "slowly", now called bucket list (!), especially adopting my teens at age 50 and wanting to do that since age 5. I have always wanted to write a book. My daughter and I have talked about it together. Perhaps to expose the foster care and adoption "industry". So, that is the top of my list right now after I get my life a bit more together:) Am also doing a lot of advocacy work. Before it was for kids, lately for wildlife (elephants, giraffes, lions and rhinos) and the dog meat trade. I am also hooking up with people in Iraq from prior student exchanges and African tribal people, as well as many California advocates. This has been an amazing comfort to be able to do something, when I can't travel well. Plus, here in CA, i can now ride with other advocates to places that the lyme disease prevents me from navigating. So, maybe I can apply more writing in these situations.

As for taking that bath. I have done it here and there. And, I have called to bring in a water consultant from the utility. My Dr. also has a sauna. We have to water "some" here, or else the banks go dry and that furthers erosion into the creek. My MD is also a homeopath and he showered me (excuse the pun)with herbs last week that seem to be really working on pain and sadness, much to my dog's happiness with longer walks now. My stress level has been very very high, thus greater pain with the chronic lyme disease and I cannot believe I ate myself into a weight gain. I did this before my last divorce and should have known better. But, now that I do know, I am working on "me".

The one thing I cannot seem to attain, has been a "lifelong" partner. I have been a serial monogamist, with breaks in between to center myself and redirect. I had two ten year marriages and oddly now, I am friends with both wives of these men. I am friends with most of my long term boyfriends, which helps me to cope now as I know my current partner soon to depart, will be some sort of friend, once the pain dies down.

I am not one to hold grudges. But "why" was one of my first words as a toddler and it still invades my mind.

Well, why or why not, I just must learn to take care of me, especially at this age, with this chronic disease and kids and grand kids counting on me, as well as my pets! But yes, with all of this, I am still sad. This was totally unexpected. He flew into a rage on me and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. From no communication to raging, is not a good way to handle stuff. I think as an extreme introvert, he might even be happier w/o me. I am trying very hard not to take this personally.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 78
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/13/2015 5:45:39 PM

Some people have a hard time with change and life's challenges. ....... There were some very practical ways out, but only he can do it and only he can ask for help.


Absolutely true...some learn this lesson early in life....and some don't? I suspect that those folks who do not know how to reach out are the same folks who as children tried to ask for help and they were neglected or punished for expressing their needs - this vulnerability turns into an oversensitivity to shame. They learn to blank out (dissociate) and not deal with adversity directly of course this leads to a life of avoidance and feeling misunderstood and misrepresented. It's a tough place to be.


I always ask for help. I guess not everyone can


Very true. The problem is that when you've been living life for over 50 years you learn that asking for help is a necessary part of evolving as a person within a community. You also learn that it's a give and take situation and you need to appreciate what has been given to you and give back when you can....in different ways. The rub, is that if you've been generous of spirit your whole life....and not everyone reciprocates it can be disappointing and emotionally draining...especially when you aren't feeling well. The person becomes an echo of one-sided dynamics....a let down for the authentic egalitarian relationship we're holding out for.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 79
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/14/2015 5:24:41 PM
Is it just a coincidence you guys are talking about water conservation?
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 80
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/14/2015 5:29:58 PM
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Subject: Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?



This is all a little one sided. I get this impression when an OP starts adding to the issues after getting feedback...half consumed meals before she sits down. Why mention this at all? I would think that he might feel uncomfortable living in HER home under her conditions. Not sure I'd feel comfortable in a relationship in which I felt like a boarder in which I'm welcomed or not based on my financial contribution to the bottom line.



As So it seems.........and at this stage in life...
No offense op, as me think the next time you fall head over heels for some someone, be it. a great lover & companion, is outgoing & financially secure...is handy around the house when need be or just is.....& is responsible to live within their means... & can save for those rainy days.... when that happens to all of us.....is a good thing...anything less is chancy....imo
& good luck....




No issues. That nice easy feeling like my parents had. Just being together is the coziest, best feeling in the world. However, we much prefer the girlfriend/boyfriend get-away trips, or sleeping together after a date. I just love the anticipation of him ringing the doorbell. I thrive on this giddy teenage-type relationship. Three years of being excited about going dancing on Friday or dressing up to go out for dinner or a play.




^^^^So what your saying is....your parents acted like or lived under the same roof with no negativity or issues whatsoever ? a Beta male..? introvert ?
And live like they only seen each other on the odd days of the week or once a week like you & your boyfriend are living now ?.... hum
And before that ,when or if your were ever married or in a S/O was that same regiment too acted out in the relationship?
Interesting lifestyle nonetheless...just wondering if you care to respond....
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 81
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/14/2015 5:48:07 PM

Posted by CTRLvector:
"Is it just a coincidence you guys are talking about water conservation?"

For a moment I also thought I had stumbled upon the www.H2OConservationistDating.com discussion forum! ;-)
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 82
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/14/2015 6:57:26 PM
^^^ I thought the Jello Zone
See.. the more I read here the less I know. Spooky
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 83
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/15/2015 4:44:52 PM
Yes, you are right, it does seem like the water conservationist dating site:) It was just one point, then commented upon and then responded to again. With my lyme disease, I can get long winded trying to explain. Sorry, if you are offended or bored. Happy if you are amused. Grateful to those who "got it".

On the unanticipated side of things, we had our first three hour long talk in over a year. I guess we had nothing to lose at this point and both have been very sad, thinking there were no answers. Sometimes answers come from the "outside". We are going to give it a few month more try. He is now feeling much better, as he "just" finally got a full job offer that he feels is better than the one he did not like. Suddenly, there is "energy" and "talking" in this relationship again. He now gets some of my concerns and is willing to finally try, as am I. He has explained things to me, that were kept from me til now. So much for the introvert/extrovert relationship. We shall see.

As I said when I started this thread, I love this person. Some of you did not get that I have lyme disease and I work well beyond my abilities to keep things afloat. Either partners communicate and do what is needed or they cannot live together. Even with communication, you have to see if you can alternate, compromise, etc. In our instance, I need to resume downsizing, which I had held off for him and my daughter and grandchildren who also had to live here for awhile. That will make it physically easier to survive, pay bills and not have so much labor involved with daily living. Hopefully, if this works, we can focus on where to downsize and live. If it doesn't work, I have even more geographic options.

No matter what the outcome in a few months, I will know that I have tried everything, without losing my "self" and health in the process of trying to be there for someone else. Plus, he will be on a better footing for himself. It is hard enough getting older, having a chronic illness, with loved ones dealing with life's sharps blows. All one can do is their best. It is sad, but today's times can be brutal to many. Without communication and compromise given the reality of what is going on, how can you live together? I believe you can't. With it there is still a lot of hope.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 84
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/15/2015 5:08:27 PM
Serenity, I think I can safely say that we ALL hope this works out for you and he.
If he was under-employed, that could have been pulling him down and negativley affecting his whole mindset.
I get what you say about trying to function, live and work with a chronic disease that affects you sometimes in inexplicable ways.
Living between 2 of the Great Lakes, I may not have quite the appreciation of the water conservation situation, we Northerners sometimes wish we could ship the dry areas some of our excess snow.
It sounds like you are going n the right direction!
Cindy O
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 85
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/15/2015 5:09:50 PM

Everyone in the US takes clean running water for granted. What it means to have
access to something like that, and what it means to go without.


I didn't know if it was with regard to my parallel ?

I guess I wasn't colorful enough.

When you're with 10 other guys, and its 110 degrees out, and you're on a field problem with no showers. You have 4 (give or take) pairs of ACUs. Baby wipes, and 30 days of the same round humping action that makes everyone smell so nice.

So if the comment was with regard to that - just imagine going 20-30 days with no shower, sweating all day, and freezing all night. And imagine how very useless baby wipes get after a while. Now also imagine digging poop holes, and hovering over a poop hole to poop in. (I used the E-tool chair) - You want to know what my balls smelled like? Well I was too afraid to find out.... and now Ill never know.

And the only water you have to drink, has dead crickets in it. And you would be right to be worried that they had screwed up the decontamination process = or just completely skipped that part.... but sweating balls for 12 hours straight maybe 2 of which was without water --- crappy cricket water tastes damn good.

And that's what it means to live the dream, and understand what clean running water brings to the table.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 86
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/15/2015 5:56:51 PM

Wow! After reading a lot of these posts, no wonder living together, marriage, "finding-the one" etc., is so hard to do.


No kidding.
Too many people want the world to revolve around THEM.
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 87
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/16/2015 3:19:33 PM
I think if you are young, you start with a dream and shared vision. With the economy, disability, different kind of brain function and personality, extremes of introvert to extrovert, different backgrounds, ad infinitum-- let lone age and both good and bad life experience, it in ways becomes much harder to live together, allocate resources and share in the duties, the older you get. You have to sit down and ask yourself, what is the dream here? You don't want to repeat past mistakes. But also, each person has a different degree of ability to deal with risk, specifically if the risk does not work out.

For me, a shared vision is about still some spark and passion, much needed laughter which has been absent here for quite some time, until the last couple of days, peace, comfort AND yes, someone to share the burdens. Underlying all this is communication. No communication, undeserved complacency and w/o reasonable distribution of shared burdens, then there is no relationship. Mind you, I said shared burdens. You cannot expect another person to fix the past you got yourself into w/o him/her.

Some are fighters, some get depressed. I like to tackle things with the people involved in the situation. Some prefer to isolate, fix things themselves w/o partnering or teamwork and some do freeze up. As said above, if there is shame involved, some go to the extent of dissociating. However, I can only do my part. I will no longer enable:) Time will tell if we can live together or not. I feel good about finding out, one way or the other because I know I have done my part and we have communicated more in the past few days than for months. We might just end up friends or we will pull it off. Different people who know us, have different opinions, but all hope it does work. My first boyfriend after my second divorce, drove me up a tree! He has now a much tougher girlfriend, which seems to attract him, and he is now one of my best friends. Go figure! You just cannot live with everyone:)

And yes, we do take things for granted, like water. Start bottling it up for us, for those who have too much. It is very scarey here. As a major grower, food prices will be skyrocketing due to this drought.

I plan to stick around the forums, because you have all for the most part, been great and very helpful. For the nasty/judgmental people: karma!!! I "try" to give people the benefit of the doubt and not interject my stuff between their lines. If I don't do that, please call me on it and make me a better person.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 88
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/16/2015 3:46:07 PM
I had a girlfriend who I'd say I loved, and it was very nice getting together a couple of times a week. But when we got a place together, I felt like I'd given up my life.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 89
Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/16/2015 6:19:47 PM
serenity--as Cyn said, both good to see you, and sad for the reason. I'm hoping with you that this works. The depression of job loss, under employment and the like can hardly be measured. And almost an impossible place to *begin* a live in situation! As you may have noticed, lots and lots of peeps here are so petrified at the idea, they've made an ideal of NOT doing so, lol!

And truth is, some really shouldn't. Or even try.

I was involved with a lovely fella about twenty years ago, and we'd worked through most of our "stuff" (lark/owl; messy/neat; reader/non-reader, etc). The one we couldn't make it over was money handling. Neither of us had much, and my approach was conservation. His was: if it's in your hand, spend it!! Which often meant running out the last week/ten days of the month. So he'd sell the gun he'd bought on day one, for a third of what he paid, and call it good. Just made ma tummy hurt to watch. It became a chasm I couldn't get over, and he couldn't understand. We tried living together in the midst of all this, and no surprise, it didn't take.

And don't forget couple's counseling!! Though it does sound like you two have a chance--if you can keep talking!

xox
 Rythmn
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 90
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/20/2015 1:43:32 PM
Funny woobytoodsday, I was thinking about you last night and wanting to find you on the forums since my pof buddy from Mississippi told me you were still around. I will try to email you from pof. Alas, cannot find your old emails as i changed carriers, although downloaded someplace on my computer.

We have had counseling and big session upcoming. We shall see. either way it works out, will be the right way-- w/o the "drama" that came from this last incident we had, the details of which i left out. I am not into drama and have a low tolerance for it with my lyme disease. I have to watch my energy and save it for the right things. You were always an "educated" risk taker and one of my online role models:)

I think the full range of decisions will vary person to person. What irks me though is when I sit with a full table of single friends, both men and women, all pretty desirable people and all complaining that they cannot meet someone. yet there they sit facing each other. Go figure! As my mother used to say, sh_t or get off the pot:) I had a pretty feisty mother when my father was not around!

There is no perfect person or relationship. the wisdom to know the difference in the actual "serenity prayer" is not always forth coming! I have had a lot of money and i have had a little money. For me, money is energy to do things that matter in this world, as well as protection for me and my family of now three generations. I respect money and am learning to respect resources which in the past we have taken for granted. I have found that people I know who have had a lot less of it, have spent wisely and today have "more" than those with a lot more. So, it is not about how much, but what it is used for and if enough is saved for bad times, let alone if during bad times, the use of money is prioritized. There are a lot of "anonymous" groups today as people react impulsively and compulsively to hard times that are with both the economy and aging. Debtor's anonymous is one of them. I have a female friend in one of these groups who also is in AA. She struggles all the time with compulsive spending, often risking the security of her children. She is a nice person. This too can be a disease when out of control.

I try my best to teach the necessary life skills to my children who were adopted in their teens, so the lessons go into the 20's. Now in the later 20's, they respect my opinions more today than before. I guess adults have to learn on their own or seek help only if they want to do it for themselves. Nobody else can do it for them.
 bikeandrun
Joined: 5/4/2014
Msg: 91
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Ever love someone, but could not live with or plan a future with him or her?
Posted: 1/25/2015 12:05:13 PM
No, but I can always hope so!!!...
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