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 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 226
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I've asked to go do dutch before.

My rule is that if I invite the girl out I'll pay, if she's asking, we'll go dutch or she's treating if she volunteers. You guys over complicating this. If a woman can't handle a guy not paying her way for everything then she's a woman I don't want to be with. Not only that but choose inexpensive dates why pay for an expensive date for something that's not an guarantee afterwards? You're manhood ain't define by the size of your wallet.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 227
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/10/2015 7:09:47 PM

You're manhood ain't define by the size of your wallet.


It shouldn't be, but doesn't society teach us otherwise?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 228
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/10/2015 7:36:49 PM

Personally, I know I could never ask that [to go Dutch]...I may as well rip my penis off and ask her to keep it in her purse till I need it

Yeah, I know where you're coming from. Especially saying prior, even to a non-date using the terminology "Can we go Dutch?" -- it's just a turn-off in general. Anytime I heard someone say that preemptively, it was to make it clear it wasn't a date or it wasn't a date-date, if ya know what I mean -- for comfort-zones or to establish a friends-first thing.

But I will say, if I did ask "Wanna go dutch?" gal I was going to go out on a date with, I wouldn't feel like less of a man so much -- more like a guy who's just ruining the situation. He mine as well ask "Hey, so, to my place after, and we can crawl on our couch in our underpants?" Something out of a comedy, basically, presenting things like that.

My rule is that if I invite the girl out I'll pay, if she's asking, we'll go dutch or she's treating if she volunteers.

What if it's neither? And neither of those happen often enough. John and Sally have been chit-chatting on POF for a while...

John: Haha, that story's even funnier than the one you told me last night!
Sally: Yeah, I know! I couldn't stop laughing after I heard it. A guy and a raccoon mud wrestling? He puts the wrestling outfit on the racoon? Seriously?
John: I know, it's hard to believe. You know, we should get together some time.
Sally: Yeah, I was going to say the same thing, I think we'd have a riot. My schedule's a bit wonky with my kids and all... but I'll let ya know soon enough. Maybe next week?
John: Yeah, that's sounds good.
(...a day of chit-chat goes by...)
Sally: Oh, hey, I'm going to Detroit for like 4 days in a couple days. Do you want to meet up tomorrow evening? Does that work?
John: Yeah, that should work for me. Any particular place comfortable for you?
Sally: No, I don't care -- just close by, since we don't live too far away from each other and it's a school night!
John: Cool, about about the [restaurant-bar] on Main street?
Sally: Yeah, awesome -- I've been there only once, sounds good!
John: Cool. Well, I'll bring the condoms.
Sally: WHAT?
John: Yeah, I wear condoms. Does that offend you?

OKAY, minus the last part ;) Who's asking who out?
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 229
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/10/2015 8:02:42 PM

I am amazed that this is even a discussion. This is like opening doors for the lady, men do it. Ladies appreciate it.


You know what men appreciate? Respect outside of our wallets.

It's a tough subject. When it comes to first dates, a few women in here said that if they decide they have no interest in a second date, they'll offer to pay their share. But sadly, it seems like they're the minority.

How do you justify a guy paying for a girl that he's never going to hear from again? She's never going to answer her phone or return a text. He's just going to be left in the dark. How can that possibly make sense?

If you've been dating for a while, then it's an entirely different story. That's up to what the two of you decide you want to do. I believe if the girl wants to pay her share, you should let her. Some people actually don't like having everything bought for them.

Modern dating just doesn't agree with this way of thinking anymore. This is a part of the reason for the popularity of the coffee date. If she lacks the vocabulary to be able to tell you that she doesn't want a second date, you're only out less than $10. So much better than the old stories of going out to a nice restaurant, spending $40-50, and then if you do the movie after that's another 20-30... And then the next day after you spent $100 on a night out with this girl, you call her or send her a text, ofc no answer, and then a week later get a reply of "sorry, I have a boyfriend now."

That time can come again. The nice dinner, getting dressed up for your first date, women everywhere can enjoy that again. Just right now, there's way more than enough women ruining it for everyone with their idea that men are disposable.
 geekgrrrl
Joined: 1/28/2009
Msg: 230
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History
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/10/2015 8:31:39 PM
I figure like this...

If he invited me I expect him to pay for the date. If I asked him I expect to pay for the date.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 231
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/10/2015 8:33:34 PM

not just cherry pick the things that are advantageous to you? & ignore the rest of the "gender stereotypes" ?


Over the years, I have seen several women claim in their profile that they are a mixture of modern and old-fashioned, which I read between the lines to mean that they are modern when it benefits them more to be modern, and they are old-fashioned when it benefits them more to be old-fashioned. In other words, it's all about them and what they get.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 232
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 1:11:59 AM

When it comes to first dates, a few women in here said that if they decide they have no interest in a second date, they'll offer to pay their share. But sadly, it seems like they're the minority.

Many will also to offer to pay their share or offering to be what's implied their share, if they do have interest as a "test", too. So unless it's Clear to the guy that the gal lacks interest in seeing him again, how is he to know, right?

How do you justify a guy paying for a girl that he's never going to hear from again?

I could actually see a "classic" situation where he could. A gal at work or part of a social group... a friend of a friend, a gal on facebook.... he chases her down and Convinces her to agree to go out with him, and to let him take her out on at least a Date. In such a situation, even if she's lacking no interest -- no, he should pay regardless to keep up his end of the bargain.

Now, that's not the common boy-meets-girl-on-a-1st-date situation, although it does happen. If the next closest, but decently common thing, is that the guy Asks To Take Her Out, I still think he should be Expected to pay... Unless she broke her end of the bargain of what'd be expected... like ruining the date or something (getting the waiter's phone #, bringing out a gal-pal, wanting to GTFO unexpectedly, etc), which can happen.

But if there was no Asking to Take Her Out, but merely asked if she'd like to go out sometime -- if the date itself executes just fine but she's not interested, she Should step forward to split the check. I would say exception to that would be if he's in a decent financial situation and it's known she's really not at all and it's kind of an expensive place he picked out. In that case, offer to pick up the tip or contribute something deemed fair enough, etc.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 233
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 3:15:14 AM

This stuff is way too complicated.


Guys tend to over think these kinds of things because we're programmed to be providers in a society that no longer requires it.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 234
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 3:38:51 AM

This stuff is way too complicated.

I swear I'm just going to write my views on paying for a date down on my profile and weed people out before they even get to me.


Why do that? Do you think the views here depict typical thinking? If you were to ask anyone irl about who pays for a date, most answers would be of the "Who cares?" variety. Only here something as trivial as this gets blown completely out of proportion and fates of worlds hang in the balance.

This is how government works as I understand it.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 235
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 3:59:35 AM
No. The paying thing is not a big deal - ever.

The first meet usually involves coffee or something cheap. Besides someone is usually there before the other and has their beverage anyway, so the other doesn't have to pay for it. (For those that keep score)

I usually get the first date or the woman offers to split. If I decline the offer, she generally says, "Okay, but I'll get the next one. Deal?" <---awesome answer

It tells me she is interested in seeing me again (which is great in and of itself) and she's interested in some sort of partnership where a sign of equality is established from the outset. Who wouldn't want that?

That is how dating has worked for me, especially in my 40's and beyond.
 CuriousInDB
Joined: 7/12/2014
Msg: 236
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:05:11 AM

It shouldn't be, but doesn't society teach us otherwise?

It tries. It tries to do a lot of things. It usually succeeds, doesn't it? Sad. It's our society's biggest issue right now. *sigh*

"Creative minds always have been shown to survive ay kind of bad training."
Anna Freud

I'm continually impressed by your posts, Mike. I don't usually comment on them.

The person who extends the invitation pays. Can we put this to rest? I doubt it.

There's a young man in profile reviews might could use your help, Mike. Idk.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 237
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:22:10 AM

I am amazed that this is even a discussion. This is like opening doors for the lady, men do it. Ladies appreciate it. It is not about who can do it. Women are perfectly able to open a door herself, why let the men do it then? Sometimes I think American women think too much. From where I am coming from, if I insist on paying for a date, I just insulted the man I am with. It's like saying I don't think of him as a date. Very disrespectful.

If money is an issue, men can do coffee/tea/water/walk. That is perfectly fine. But men pay for date.


Except for the amazed part.

In response to a different post, just wondering:
Has a woman ever asked any of you men to to go dutch?
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 238
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:31:10 AM

You lost me with that phrase, Eternityboresme



It doesn't matter to me whether I've lost you or not. I also am none-to-worried whether people think my modern/traditional point of view is amiss; since I live my own life, I'm responsible for my choices.


One would think that both people on a date would put their best foot forward to ensure both have a good time.


In my case, I met somebody who has similar values. He took exceptional care of me on our first date (and every other day and stay-over, for that matter), which has set the stage for our entire relationship. He brought me coffee of my choice, a stunning bouquet of flowers, a bottle of my champagne, and a gift and took me to an establishment of my choice and I picked something I liked that wasn't costly, though he insisted I picked something more expensive. When I wasn't feeling well later on in our evening, he ensured that I was safe and comfortable. This is somebody I met on POF and with whom I established a rapport prior to our first date. I ensured we had a good time by rearranging my class schedule to be present, vibrant, and engaging-- which to him, was entirely enough and deeply appreciated (and I was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness. He insisted on living up to his values.)

That statement of mine was something declared by both my man and a now deceased step-grandmother; and I agree with them both, all intelligent things considered. I don't take your response as something entirely directed toward my attutude regarding dating; but let me tell you that it's not a habit of mine to have several first dates with feigned interest and no intention of building anything. It isn't my style.

I'm not a person who's fond of dining out too often, too, though, my boyfriend offers. (He offered to take my son and I out to dinner, this Saturday night, and I'll take him up on it, since we don't do it that often. It's also a great way for him to get to know my son more and my son, him. My daughter will be with her partner, on that day). He loves my cooking and I insist on cooking for him (he works a lot, so I want to ensure he has enough home-cooked meals), so he insists on buying the groceris I need and want and I make the dishes. I also use my resources, time, and even money, to make him meal to take home, even on a night we don't get to spend much time with each other (because of my weird work schedule.) Tonight is one of those nights and tomorrow he comes over for a longer duration to have dinner with my family and me. Then, I get spoiled on the weekend. I should be so lucky (though he thinks he's the lucky one).

Yes, to me this is an equal relationship, based on trust and respect. We don't have the same talents, skills, and gifts; but we equally contribute utilizing these and it works for us,
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 239
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 4:38:52 AM
add to edit:

And no, I don't receive a gift, champagne, flowers, chcolates every date, though he does surprise me with little things, here and there, none of which I ask for. He spends money on gas and comes to me after a long, grueling day at work; so it's my love and my responsibility to ensure he has a warm meal and comfortability to look forward to; and I love doing this.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 240
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 5:15:40 AM

In my case, I met somebody who has similar values. He took exceptional care of me on our first date (and every other day and stay-over, for that matter), which has set the stage for our entire relationship. He brought me coffee of my choice, a stunning bouquet of flowers, a bottle of my champagne, and a gift and took me to an establishment of my choice and I picked something I liked that wasn't costly, though he insisted I picked something more expensive. When I wasn't feeling well later on in our evening, he ensured that I was safe and comfortable. This is somebody I met on POF and with whom I established a rapport prior to our first date. I ensured we had a good time by rearranging my class schedule to be present, vibrant, and engaging-- which to him, was entirely enough and deeply appreciated (and I was very appreciative of his thoughtfulness. He insisted on living up to his values.)

That statement of mine was something declared by both my man and a now deceased step-grandmother; and I agree with them both, all intelligent things considered. I don't take your response as something entirely directed toward my attutude regarding dating; but let me tell you that it's not a habit of mine to have several first dates with feigned interest and no intention of building anything. It isn't my style.

I'm not a person who's fond of dining out too often, too, though, my boyfriend offers. (He offered to take my son and I out to dinner, this Saturday night, and I'll take him up on it, since we don't do it that often. It's also a great way for him to get to know my son more and my son, him. My daughter will be with her partner, on that day). He loves my cooking and I insist on cooking for him (he works a lot, so I want to ensure he has enough home-cooked meals), so he insists on buying the groceris I need and want and I make the dishes. I also use my resources, time, and even money, to make him meal to take home, even on a night we don't get to spend much time with each other (because of my weird work schedule.) Tonight is one of those nights and tomorrow he comes over for a longer duration to have dinner with my family and me. Then, I get spoiled on the weekend. I should be so lucky (though he thinks he's the lucky one).

Yes, to me this is an equal relationship, based on trust and respect. We don't have the same talents, skills, and gifts; but we equally contribute utilizing these and it works for us,

And no, I don't receive a gift, champagne, flowers, chcolates every date, though he does surprise me with little things, here and there, none of which I ask for. He spends money on gas and comes to me after a long, grueling day at work; so it's my love and my responsibility to ensure he has a warm meal and comfortability to look forward to; and I love doing this.

What a beautiful & eloquent description of a poetic relationship!

You are both keepers...

I have similar feelings in regards to my male relationship...

We each bring something to the table; we are equivalent, not equals, for he is a man & I am a woman. I am not in competition w/ him, nor is he in competition w/ me.
 CuriousInDB
Joined: 7/12/2014
Msg: 241
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 6:31:01 AM
We exchange various tokens of love: acts, words, gifts, time, touch. They are not identical but equivalent, as BlondeAngel just posted. What the heck is wrong with that?

This paying this is never going to end, is it, Blonde?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 242
view profile
History
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 6:55:39 AM
I'm in the same boat with the last 3 posters (eternity, blonde, and curious). It's fair and balanced...give and take...ying and yang. If both parties are happy, why try to reinvent the wheel?
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 243
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:13:27 AM

Has any woman had a man ask to go "Dutch"?

Honestly, not even once. Ever.

But I've been told by several men over the years to never again offer to split the bill or buy the drinks while I was in their company, as it was insulting.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 244
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:30:51 AM

But I've been told by several men over the years to never again offer to split the bill or buy the drinks while I was in their company, as it was insulting.


I have never considered this to be insulting. If I wanted to pay, I would politely decline her offer. Or I might tell her to pay for the tip and I got the rest of the bill.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 245
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 7:47:14 AM
I've never had anyone ask me to pay.
I always offer to pay or at least offer to pay the tip.
I don't get into arguments when they insist on paying.
I always expect to pay when I invite someone out.

I think this is mostly a fishes thing.
"I went out to dinner with this gorgeous female/male
last night and I hope to see them again, but the **stard/****
didn't offer to pay" said by no one ever (outside of POF)
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 246
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:47:08 AM
"Guys tend to over think these kinds of things because we're programmed to be providers in a society that no longer requires it."

I think this is an EXCELLENT observation.

The question about who pays for a date has been done to death here, and, regardless of the sensible and fair suggestions by many people, it is evident that the REAL issue is a deep seated resentment towards women in general, that, because they earn money and can take care of themselves, then f*ck them, I'm not buying them even a cup of coffee on their first date.

The fight over who pays is REALLY about something else..not the cost of a cup of coffee.

And I also agree the post about how "the first date sets the tone of the whole relationship" is very very wise advice..one of the most wise comments I have ever read here on the forum. And that goes for both the man and the woman.

And it's so true.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 247
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 8:52:42 AM
Usually I paid for it. But if the woman offered to pay for half, I put her on the spot and allow it. Then ask her if she really wants to pay, or was it a test to see if the man was a gentleman or a cheap skate.

When I went out on my first date with my girlfriend I mentioned the above since she suggested to help pay. I had already my card out, so she responded, then let's go for a drink someplace else and it's on me.

And yes, it sets up what type of relationship you're going to have. In other dates we had after that, she paid. Others I paid. And it was never an issue.
 momsaysirock
Joined: 2/4/2015
Msg: 248
Paying for a cup-o-noodles
Posted: 2/11/2015 9:33:14 AM
I really hate the "FAKE" offer to pay, that is without any intention of following through..better to just sit there & expect the guy to pay for everything, than that..or the "I forgot my purse/wallet /money" routine haha

she offers, and if you say "OK"< then 'discovers' she actually brought no money
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 249
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 9:42:49 AM

The person who extends the invitation pays. Can we put this to rest? I doubt it.

When it's as clear as someone Asking someone out, yeah, it's that simple. But it's not always that clear & simple of a situation in a date being set up, which I think a lot of people avoid recognizing. Which is a main reason, I believe, why there are always debates about the concept. Like among friends, one person can bring up the idea and see if the other's game, and they mutually talk about it, etc. Women will bring up the idea/concept many times. Asking her to pay for the whole date merely from that would be silly of me, yet, it would Not be silly if the gender roles were reversed. When reversed and the guy brings up the idea/concept, many people will then call it "the guy asking her out" or "the guy extending an invitation", when it doesn't so much go that route the other way around.

Do you feel bad when you don't pay for a [the whole] date?

Not if she was convincing she wants to contribute, and after talking about it, it went from her part -> just the tip (hoping that doesn't foreshadow the sex!). Or with some pretty Uncommon circumstances. But with those aside, I think as a guy, there are situations where if I didn't Ask Her Out (but neither did she) + lack of interest in the air by either party -- it can be a catch-22 of feelings. Feel bad if ya don't pay for at least the majority of it, feel a bit ticked that ya do in those non-matching situations where nobody explicitly Asked one to go out with the other. Depends on how everything rolled out, though.

My last few dates were with men that offered to pay but they seemed to offer purely because they thought they were meant to rather than because they wanted to.

If a guy feels that way, then he shouldn't feel irked or even confused if you wanted to split the tab if the date was going decently. The only way I could see a guy feeling irked/confused would be a sign "Oh sh!t, she doesn't like me," even though it conflicts with his underlying begrudging about having to pay. He shouldn't come across that way -- he should be happy to let you pick some of it up if that's the case. Not letting the gal contribute when she clearly means it, isn't going to make her like you anyway.

I could see how uncomfortable he was when I gently nudged him out of the way when he tried to buy a second round of drinks at the bar.

I think if a (normal) guy has read interest off you, he shouldn't feel a bit uncomfortable at all. If he does when you have readable interest -- then he's a vagina-man with a low self-esteem. ;) I can understand reading a bit of uncomfortablity off of him if you scoot him out of the way to pay for a beer IF he was getting the vibe that you weren't that into him. Unfortunatley some guys transfer their disdain for the (assumed) lack of gal's interest into "who pays".

I usually get the first date or the woman offers to split. If I decline the offer, she generally says, "Okay, but I'll get the next one. Deal?" <---awesome answer

That is. Many times in the end, from my experience, she'll pay the main section of a date (dinner?) while I'd pay other stuff (drinks after) -- but her point is made and everyone's happy in such an ideal situation.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 250
Paying for a date
Posted: 2/11/2015 9:49:51 AM

Has any woman had a man ask to go "Dutch"?


Never.

What I honestly don’t understand is why a guy would accept his date’s offer to pay. Why would a man ask a woman on a date and then HOPE she offers to pay?? If you couldn’t pay, or didn’t want to pay, WHY would you ask a woman on a date in the first place?

And I am talking about an actual DATE, not some meeting to find out how much each other lied on a dating site profile.
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