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 Eternityboreme
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 801
Paying for a datePage 33 of 73    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
^^These are in abundance in POF...these are the people to whom I refer, and not the honest people who work hard on themselves and in general.

Personally, I'll not find what I seek, here, and it's better for me to find a better dating venue -- that I'll agree!
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 802
view profile
History
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 4:47:13 AM
Thanks for the play by play critique there Eternity...

What I wrote was in response to the other posters that I was debating with and NOT you...

I no longer do the things that have gotten me taken advantage of over the years as I have learned and take RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY OWN CHOICES!
I'm thinking you need to take your OWN counsel and make some 'needed alterations' there...

Also, as far as making all pay for the actions of a few, again that was directed elsewhere, but I have to say that you should give some thought to that yourself...as well...

Ever since you have been back, it kind of feels like EVERYBODY is paying for your pain....So sorry if you had a bad experience but you know what, that's only the fault of the guy who screwed you,, NOT anyone elses, so go and hit a punching bag....
I'm REALLY not interested in being used for target practice so you can vent your spleen and feel better...at MY expense.

Everybody gets hurt, welcome to Life, it really SUCKS sometime...

I really don't CARE how you choose to date or WHAT you wish to share on here, I am sharing what I want to and last I checked, I don't need anybody's approval, in order to do that...

Whether or not YOU do or believe as I do, I really couldn't give a flying fvck...Hope that's clear enough...

I'm thinking you should give yourself a time out and get a grip, there, I and others on here are not the "enemy", got it?
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 803
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 6:34:06 AM
Fvck me.

It's getting damn cold in here. Puffs of fog are coming out of my mouth. Brrrr

I'm gonna open the blinds and let some sunshine in.

Excommunication?

What happened to that whole epoch of life soliloquy we heard awhile back?

Where'd that girl go off too?
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 804
view profile
History
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 6:42:50 AM
^^^^^^^^^

Hurt people lash out and I GET that....and I have all the empathy and understanding in the WORLD for them and their pain...

I also don't take that as the entirety of who they are as a human being and understand that they may need time to process and come to terms with what happens to them....

I'm just NOT real keen on getting caught in the 'crossfire', myself....
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 805
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 6:44:48 AM
Well,

fart a rainbow to Somerville and I'll follow up with a bottle of wine and some reefer.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 806
view profile
History
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 7:21:37 AM
How many times do I have to TELL you Cloon....

I DON'T fart rainbows!!!....Wine and reefer sounding REAL good right about now...for ME!!!!

LMAO
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 807
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 8:42:54 AM

Today the only variations on that theme ofr me, personally, are that it's no longer called 'mad money' it's just MY money....and you also should carry some pepper spray with that.


That's why I always carry salt spray with me when meeting someone new-to counter the pepper spray. All guys should carry it on a first meet. Just don't use a fanny pack to carry it. It's a dead giveaway that you're carrying salty heat.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 808
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 9:08:31 AM

Eternityboreme:
Personally, I'll not find what I seek, here, and it's better for me to find a better dating venue -- that I'll agree!


Gee, what a shocker. You can't find a guy here who hates all men as much as you do? Good luck searching for a hater of half of the world's population.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 809
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History
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 9:29:22 AM
Eternityboreme (and April) -

I know that you haven't asked for my advice, but I'm just offering another way to think about things...it's simply a possibility to consider, not a conclusion that I've made...

While it's possible that you think that you can't find anyone because (among whatever other things) they don't agree with your philosophy on who pays for first dates, I propose that it may be something else.

Things like you (and april) stating that a "real man" pays for dates...that only a "real man" would do so.

Now, the problem that I'm highlighting here is not that someone's feelings might be hurt by this or that their manhood is being challenged. Nor that you simply disagree with the who-pays issue. It's something else.

It's the indication that you think a certain way...that you calculate what a "real man" is in a certain way...the criteria according to which you do so. Again, not that a man feels like his manhood is being challenged, but that your understanding of what makes a real man or woman, a grown mature person, seems a bit "off". A man may very well be willing to bend and court you in the way that you prefer, even if he otherwise doesn't agree with that approach, except that you state that he isn't a real man if he doesn't do so. So, this may put men off...not because it makes them feel insecure in their "real-man-hood", but because it gives them the impression that you are a bit shallow on the matter. It may make them wonder exactly how sensible are you in other areas which would manifest real problems in those other areas later on.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 810
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 10:02:38 AM

But either way, if you are going out somewhere and do not want to, or cannot buy a 2 dollar cup of coffee for the person you are with, perhaps more effort should be placed on budgeting, rather than dating. Even if you don't have to pay for someone else, dating will cost you some money. If 2 dollars is an issue, you can't afford to be dating.

I know what some will say. "But 2 dollars IS NOT an issue. I can afford 2 dollars! It's the principle. I shouldn't have to pay 2 dollars if I don't want to".

If this is the case, then you are stingy.


Agree.

Also I find it sad and stupid if a 2 dollar cup of coffee IS considered “dating”….. No go for me. I can pop in for a coffee on my own or with a friend, and hardly would consider a lameo sad sack at coffee a “date” whether he tosses his dusty change he dug out of someone’s couch cushions on the counter or not…then go home and cry or post on here about how you’re always friend zoned because you don’t know how to date. (General “you.”)

The guys who do know how are getting dates.


"separate checks, please." My buddy and I use them all of the time.


Exactly.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 811
buying a clue
Posted: 4/18/2015 10:10:06 AM
I wonder how many people have ever had a day that was so fun, they didn't bother to keep track of how much $$ they were spending? be like that on a date, and maybe no one will count up the bill paid.

if $2 is an issue for someone, that someone should date a like-minded individual. but that someone might not like how it makes them look to be seen in public with that level of person. we always hope our partner makes people think, "wow you must have something to offer to win her over!"
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/13/2015
Msg: 812
buying a clue
Posted: 4/18/2015 11:58:14 AM
SunshineGirl, there are women who are willing to go out on coffee dates and pay for their own cup of coffee. Trying to say men who prefer the coffee date "don't know how to date" and "will always be friend-zoned" is false. There are billions are women on the planet - not all of them think the same.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 813
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 12:21:55 PM


"separate checks, please." My buddy and I use them all of the time.
Exactly.

And my buddy has been 100 times more valuable to me than you or any other woman ever has. Buy your own coffee/meals your highness (or should that be your heinous).
 J_BigHorse
Joined: 7/17/2013
Msg: 814
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 12:25:43 PM
Just look at all the gold digger allegations and all the broohaha's over who pays for what on a date. There would be none if no women ever found a way to benefit from male attention. They weren't all at gunpoint either. Ladies stand your ground. Demand he purchases your latte!


there are women who are willing to go out on coffee dates and pay for their own cup of coffee.

yes, the double paper bag jobs.
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 815
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 1:04:26 PM
This is one of the reasons why I choose not to date at this time.

I have met men and while standing in line, he has purchased his coffee, and if I'm standing behind him, I have purchased my own. (If I am standing ahead of him, I purchase mine AND his, not because of any feeling of obligation, but because I would do that with anyone I am there to visit with). I have met men on first meets, where I have paid for drinks AND food, both mine and his, only never to hear from him again. No big deal. I see it as having a visit with someone who I would have probably never met otherwise, and got to hear their story. It's all good.

But GOD FORBID a man ever extend the courtesy of buying me a cup of coffee. All of a sudden, I am the devil, simply because of my gender, and the fact that I am consuming something that I didn't pay for. What a meal whore/self-entitled princess I am!! *eyeroll*

For these types of men, they can quote the tenets of feminism and women's independence well when it protects their wallet, but then they cry foul about the same feminism and independence when women exert their right to choose and make her own decisions about whether to continue with him or not.

I know not all men are like that, and there are countless wonderful men, including on this forum, who would never be as distasteful as making an issue out of extending a courtesy, nor of having one extended to them, but if this is an issue to anyone, they should not be visiting their pettiness on others. I'm not saying that men should be the ones paying for everything; in fact, I know I speak for many women when I say that it is just as pleasurable to treat someone as it is to be treated, but holy crap, some of you take this to ridiculously obsessive levels of thought.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 816
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 1:23:08 PM
^^^ I only have a problem in extending a courtesy when it is expected that I do so, or am judged harshly if I choose not to. Statements such as "the man pays for the first date, PERIOD" is what many of us so-called "unwonderful, distasteful" men have an issue with.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 817
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 2:13:08 PM
This...

And if somebody is that stingy about the price of a coffee, I'm pretty sure that their going to be 'bean counting' ALL of the time...

... And This...

But either way, if you are going out somewhere and do not want to, or cannot buy a 2 dollar cup of coffee for the person you are with, perhaps more effort should be placed on budgeting

Here's the thing: It's only stingy if he or she ASKS you to pay -- and you DENY them. Or even sigh, pout, and begrudgingly say yes. I agree with That. But I also agree with if that asker is a He when it comes to a $2 coffee, just as much.

It's not stingy if me and a friend go to the bar and I order a drink and he orders his, and I merely don't pay for his. Why is it assumed I should be paying for his? Are we going out because I just got a huge raise? I WOULD be stingy if he asked, he wasn't a mooch or anything, and I said No.

If a guy's out on a casual meetup/date and he gets there a bit early, gets a coffee or beer, and she comes in and she does the same and he doesn't go out of his way to "put it on mine" -- does that mean he's stingy? If she didn't ask him to, And it wasn't Already Assumed he was going to -- no, he's not stingy.

But if she Did ask him to OR it was Already Reasonably Assumed he should be doing so -- then yeah, he is stingy. In most cases, it's not about being stingy. Just because I don't pick up my friends' tabs on a drink here and there when I'm buying my own doesn't mean I'm being stingy. I can be stingy when it's Assumed that I Should -- as in, he bought me several before just recently, as it's completely obvious.

And that's what it boils down to: Is it culturally-universally obvious that he Should reach over to pay for hers, when he didn't Ask to Take her for coffee or a drink? No. Bad game? In many situations, and he likes her, yeah, not the best game. Stingy? Not so fast; that's jumping the gun. But if you feel that he very well may be, then just Ask him to pay for yours on said mere drink. If he says no or begrudgingly says yes, then yeah, he's stingy.

In the end, it all stems from the foundation that many (but not all) have, that he's Expected to Pay -- even if she doesn't ask or clearly motion him to pay for hers -- even if he didn't ask to take her out for coffee. I don't think there's any debate when a guy asks to take a gal out. The problematic view that some have, is the viewpoint that unless She Explicitly asks to take Him out, the situation is Always Equal to him asking to take her out (whether he did or not) -- no in-between.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 818
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 2:20:41 PM
Plus it's the selective "old fashioned" label when it's a financial advantage. It's when they go on about being independent, don't need a man, I can support myself just fine, etc., but "I'm old fashioned when it come to who pays for dates."-meaning the guy pays.
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 819
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:05:28 PM

Here's the thing: It's only stingy if he or she ASKS you to pay -- and you DENY them. Or even sigh, pout, and begrudgingly say yes. I agree with That. But I also agree with if that asker is a He when it comes to a $2 coffee, just as much.


When I was dating, I almost always paid for the bulk of the dinners out, the dinners in, the activities, the majority of expenses on weekend excursions, etc. The one time that I did not pay for the bulk of them, (because he was so insistent that "a self-respecting man" would never allow a woman to pay- his words), when the relationship ended, I literally had to do an e-transfer of money to him, so that we were "even steven". I dated one who hitched himself to my weekend away, and after spending a long weekend at a high end resort, where he paid the sum total of 25 dollars for gas ( he "forgot" his credit cards) and the rest was on my dime, broke up with me IN THE CAR WHILE WE WERE DRIVING OUT OF THE PARKING LOT OF THE RESORT. Needless to say, it was an excruciating 3 hour drive home. Another man I had a relationship with, I won't even go into it, but it was even worse - much worse - than the two I have described. These are the types of experiences I have had with men. So those men that vilify women because of a cup of coffee, I really have not much sympathy for, because it isn't a one-sided argument, as far as I'm concerned.

That being said, I have gone on subsequent dates, where I willingly paid for my own, and often times his as well. And like I have stated, not even a blip on my "big deal" radar. If I have the money to pay for a night out, or an afternoon out, I pay. If I don't, I don't go, unless they really want me to go, and state that it is their treat. In that event, before I even leave my house, I make sure that it is clear to them that the next one is on me, and follow-up on my promise. I was raised that nobody owes me anything, and I have never expected anyone (including a man) to pay my way for anything, and none of them ever have. (My parents, despite having the means, did not even pay for my education, despite paying for my sister's. I got student loans and paid them off myself). Despite any reputation of my being a meal whore, or a feminazi, or whatever other awful things that have been ascribed to me here, I am actually considered by those that know me to be a very kind and generous person, who feels honest joy in treating and surprising those that I care about, and my negative experiences will not change who I am, nor will it stifle my assertion that there are some really great men out there.

But I still maintain, that if the cost of a cup of coffee renders this much angst and analysis from someone, man or woman, even though they in principle, shouldn't have to pay for it, then they shouldn't be dating. Dating does require, if it is going to be successful, at least some thought and consideration to doing nice things for the other person on occasion.
 slowitalldown
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 820
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:06:35 PM
yes, the double paper bag jobs.


WOW. J_BigHorse that`s about as hideous as it gets.

So you are basically saying if a woman is attractive then she can get a guy to pay for her, and SHE WILL DO SO. If she isn`t then she can`t and will pay for herself in order to get a guy.

Women are either gold diggers or ugly in your opinion. And the ugly ones are not worthy of even being treated as human beings.
So good to know what you think of us.

I can see where Eternity gets some of it from. Not being a spectacularly attractive woman has obviously saved me from men like you
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 821
view profile
History
ladies don't buy into it
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:12:34 PM
@Norwegian... and Maleman...

What Ladyess...said...read it and be enlightened...If I get there first and I'm with a friend I often WILL treat them as they do me...
I have also bought the coffee for the guy or rather iced cappuccino when he told me what he preferred and I got there first...Didn't even think TWICE...

Not the only time I did that either...and I don't think 'lesser' of a guy who doesn't pay for my coffee, because as long as he has one, I usually don't even want one, unless he has been kind enough to buy it for me because he got there first... ;-)

Any way...just lost my job today and feeling pretty sh!tty, so I'm done here....

Buy it don't buy it, I couldn't care less right now...I'm never going to meet any of you and I've NEVER encountered SUCH strong feelings about something SO trivial anywhere IRL....
So I'm really NOT worried...

Catch you on the flip side....

Oh yeah...what slowit....said, too! UnbelIEVEable, I tell you!
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 822
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:16:10 PM

I only have a problem in extending a courtesy when it is expected that I do so, or am judged harshly if I choose not to. Statements such as "the man pays for the first date, PERIOD" is what many of us so-called "unwonderful, distasteful" men have an issue with.


Amen. There is a difference between wanting to pay the bill vs being expected to pay the bill.

Scenario A. A woman offers to pay for at least some portion of the bill. I might say "No thanks" or "you can pay the tip and I got the rest of it".
Scenario B. A woman just sits there and doesn't make any offer to pay when the bill arrives.

Scenario B wouldn't be a dealbreaker on the first date / meeting. But if a woman didn't offer to pay anything on subsequent dates, then it can become a dealbreaker.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 823
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:31:11 PM

I dated one who hitched himself to my weekend away, and after spending a long weekend at a high end resort, where he paid the sum total of 25 dollars for gas ( he "forgot" his credit cards) and the rest was on my dime, broke up with me IN THE CAR WHILE WE WERE DRIVING OUT OF THE PARKING LOT OF THE RESORT. Needless to say, it was an excruciating 3 hour drive home.


I believe I would of had to put their azz in the street in front of that resort.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 824
view profile
History
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:47:25 PM

I believe I would of had to put their azz in the street in front of that resort.


Oh HELL yeah!!!
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 825
Paying for a date
Posted: 4/18/2015 3:57:53 PM
@Crookcatcher and Dee;

It would have been tempting had it not been his car we had taken! :) I suppose I'm lucky he didn't leave me stranded there! (but I can think of worse places to be stranded than the Canadian Rockies) :)
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