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 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 29
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.


Just wanted to repeat this.

Also, in my experience, trying to force someone to change their mind only works with blunt force trauma, otherwise, they'll "hermit" up and stick their tongue out at you like a defiant child.

Not suggesting you beat her into submission, though...better to find someone new. If that's not a possibility, I hear the government used to use LSD for mind control purposes.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 30
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 7:23:17 AM
There are people here that will say that telling her what you would like is putting pressure on her. I disagree. Also, I believe that once you tell her, drop it. Be done with it. Also, you can put it into perspective with her. Something like a long term plan and see what she says. If she says, "I don't ever want to have kids." Then dude, move the fvck on. If she tells you "I am not ready right now, but maybe in a few years I may." Then pursue with caution. Also realize that if she also has a career, she may also want to be married and the whole commitment thing.

There are many women that at 29 the idea of children was repulsive, and just a few years later, the same staunch any kid women when ahead and had children and would not have it any other way. But at 29, their bio clocks are not ticking.

So state your grounds. If she is game for the long haul, be patient. If she is not. Stop trying to convince her and move on.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 31
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 7:38:00 AM
I highly disagree with the above statement. Many women know at a very young age that they never want children. Since 19 I've known that being a mommy wasn't a life goal of mine. I've known plenty of women friends and acquaintances who wanted the same thing and are much older now and haven't reproduced yet. Believing that a female will change her mind is very patronizing because you don't respect her choices in life. When will men learn that women aren't like dogs and the intelligent strong ones cannot be controlled?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 32
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 7:55:43 AM

Believing that a female will change her mind is very patronizing because you don't respect her choices in life. When will men learn that women aren't like dogs and the intelligent strong ones cannot be controlled?


Sorry to burst your bubble Hotdog. Yes, there are women that like you, never changed their minds about not wanting to ever have children. I am not saying that does not exist. But as there are women that never changed their minds, I have met PLENTY of women who did. This is not my male attitude trying to pound my idea over women. It's a simple reality that I have observed with the many other women that changed their minds once their bio clocks started ticking.

And if you noticed in my statement, I indicated that the OP tell this particular woman what he would like. And if she did not like the idea, to stop pestering her and move on. So nobody is patronizing anyone. Capsisci?
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 33
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 8:31:30 AM
I'm with IG
I was one of the women and my bbf is another. I was staunchly against while the bbf was in fear of the idea of having children. She was married, I was not.
Got knocked up and thereby spent almost 10 years with the father. Became a full fledged mother .. even a *gasp* a PAC (PTA to you americans) member for years.
My bbf had a pregnancy scare and that's what got her thinking, not so much the biological clock, but the natural next step in her marriage.
Today I have my two boys and she has her two girls. ....and we wouldn't have it any other way.


Everything happens for a reason but it can't be forced imo
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 34
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 8:50:46 AM
OP, I think you should stop pressuring the woman. Let her go, and move on. She sounds adamant in her decision not to have kids. Not all women are cut out to be a mom.

I knew from an early age that I didn't want to be a breeder---I never changed my mind. While it's true that some women do change their minds later on, some of us do not.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 35
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 9:55:52 AM

And I guess you are one of those intelligent and strong ones, aren't you? Am I the only one who finds your comment patronizing itself towards some women?


No. I'm one of those strong women. I made a choice to have two children, both ten years apart, and one I had when I was a teenager (judgment on having my child so young is still following me at 41). I also believe women's reproductive choices are their own. If they don't want children; it's their choice. If she does; it's her choice. Wtf is so difficult about this that is incomprehensible?


The fact of the matter is that one half wants children and the other does not. It is a VERY difficult situation, it's not as easy as saying "oh, you are not compatible, just split up".


If she doesn't want a child and he's pressuring, it's quite as simple as telling him to bugger off. She doesn't need to concede anything, not her body nor her wishes. Why the **** should he have dominion over her body? Surely there are other women who want children, or that I want one of them to endure his control-freakish ass.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 36
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 10:19:09 AM

I also believe women's reproductive choices are their own. If they don't want children; it's their choice. If she does; it's her choice.


I also believe that men have choices as well. Some men do not want to be with a woman that has children. That is their choice. Some men want their woman to have children, or be in relationships that involved children. And like I said, as long as the guy states what he is interested in, but does not put that pressure on, I don't see a problem.

Let's say the opposite is the case. What is she wants to have children and he doesn't. She can tell the guy what she wants, simply get knocked up, or find someone else that may want the children. There are also a number of women that leave it almost to fate, if it happens good, if it doesn't happen, good as well.

We can find flaw in both sides of the equation, from women using men as well as men demanding from women. Or couples that are understanding and either willing to wait for the right time, accept one or the other, or move on.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 37
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 10:55:55 AM
Actually the moral of the story is don't waste anybody's time by hanging onto someone so you can possibly get them to change their minds and to stop patronizing women and treating us like idiots because we don't know what we want. We sure in the h*ll do know. It's downright insulting to treat women like children.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 38
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 11:22:35 AM
I'm one of those women who never wanted or even liked kids since I was a teen and well into my 20s. Then, at 29, I got full fledged baby fever to the utter shock of all my friends and family. Had my son at 30. Thought I was done after that, but no, I had my daughter 7 years later, totally unexpectedly at almost 38. Then I became a pediatric nurse. I was a completely different person up until I hit my 30s. And I still change my mind about lots of things all the time.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 39
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 11:32:02 AM

Being in a relationship with someone who wants kids when you don't, or doesn't want kids when you do is a very, very complicated and difficult issue.


Not really. You’re not compatible…what’s so very, very complicated and difficult? If it’s very, very complicated and difficult, it’s because one or both of you are trying to manipulate the other to change his/her mind.

Assuming a woman’s bio clock is gonna go off and get a guy what he wants is disgusting. Sounds like a panicky decision. “OMG, I’m getting old, better hop on the ol’ baby train, quick!! Might as well, got nothing else going on.” I’m sure some guys are cool with that, as long as they get what they want, who cares how she feels.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 40
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 12:01:28 PM

I'm one of those women who never wanted or even liked kids since I was a teen and well into my 20s. Then, at 29, I got full fledged baby fever to the utter shock of all my friends and family. Had my son at 30. Thought I was done after that, but no, I had my daughter 7 years later, totally unexpectedly at almost 38. Then I became a pediatric nurse. I was a completely different person up until I hit my 30s. And I still change my mind about lots of things all the time.


Beautifully said.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 41
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 12:46:36 PM
just hereforthecookies- THIS! Well said.
OP, you two want different things.
You aren't wrong for wanting children, but she isn't wrong that she doesn't.
Having children is a HUGE decision, it is life altering and NO one that doesn't want children should have them. Our prisons are FULL of people that were unwanted/unloved, if anything is going to mess someone up, it's knowing that you aren't wanted or loved by a parent.
Me, I knew I wanted children, so I sought out someone that did too.
There's your answer.
Let her go, don't contact her again once you do, to get over her, you are going to have to stay away.
You can fall in love again and next time make sure they want children too.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 42
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 3:27:38 PM
Can't believe people defend this stuff so vehemently.

It's OKAY for them to have different views about babies.

It's NOT OKAY for one to have the expectation that the other will change their mind.

I happen to agree with IG that men SHOULD have the same reproductive decisions that women do, though (they don't).
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 43
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 6:49:52 AM
The women who state they never wanted children were not that serious about it in the first place. Nobody now mentions it to me now since I'm past my breeding years. It's funny society puts no pressure on males to breed and be domesticated like they do to women.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 44
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 7:00:57 AM

The women who state they never wanted children were not that serious about it in the first place.


Hotdog, that is a gross generalization. I've known these women. I was married to one. WE did not want kids at all. We were serious about it. Then something bit her, age, the bio clock, or some realization that we were okay and would not become our own parents. But by then it was too late. We tried for like five years, but medical conditions made it impossible. So the statement above cannot be that broad. There are women that were not that serious about it, and there were those the were.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 45
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:25:30 AM
She should get her tubes tied if she wants anyone to take seriously her claim she doesn't want kids. Most women who claim they don't want kids end up "changing their mind" (I put that in quotes because I believe they knew it all along). Their biological alarm clock rings and they get baby rabies.

You say she's "not convinced". If she had an account on here, her entry for wants kids would be "undecided" which means yes.

The supply of women who have baby rabies is huge, therefore the OP should not have difficulty finding a more compatible partner.

The supply of men who don't want kids is huge, therefore the OP is getting in the way of men who would appreciate her (at least during her current state of not wanting kids yet).

You already broke up with her once, showing it probably won't last if you get back together, and might create additions to the zillion Western kids who don't have a father, adding to increased crime and taxpayer burdens and other problems associated with fatherless households.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 46
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:33:00 AM
Actually ainen your comment shows that you are a man. Getting your tubes tied, even if endoscopic in nature, is surgery. My mother had major pain when she underwent this surgery back in 1977. My brother in law underwent a vasectomy a decade or more ago because he did not want my sister to go through surgery vs. a minor procedure for him.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 47
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:50:18 AM
Lol, I think his pic makes it clear he's a man too.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 48
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 9:28:16 AM
This is akin to expecting a person with a fear of flying and heights to jump out of a plane just because you get an adrenaline rush from it. If that's your thing, find someone who's interested in it too instead of insisting that "because I love you, you should do this for me". Sounds like a mama's boy who is used to getting his way every time he stomps his feet. Yuck!
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 49
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 9:45:27 AM
You need more aerodynamic buzz streaks in your hair.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 50
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 11:37:31 AM

Really? Is it just a matter of compatibility? I'd rather think it's not. What if you both are perfectly compatible on everything but the kids issue?


Wanting to produce another human being or not is not like being incompatible over the color of the bathroom walls issue.

I maintain that if you’re not in agreement over having children, you are NOT “perfectly compatible.”


And by the way, there is nothing inherently wrong with changing one's mind. My two brothers didn't want kids or get married. Their girlfriends did both. One is married with a kid, the other one hasn't married nor has kids. And both are equally happy, by the way.


Goody. Men often say they never want to get married because they think it makes them look cool in front of their buddies. Being married and CREATING a HUMAN BEING and being responsible for it for the rest of its life are NOT the same thing.


There is nothing wrong with changing one's mind. And sure, there is a very fine line between changing one's mind and manipulation, but dont' we do that all the time?


Maybe you do and that’s why you think it’s okay. If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother it’s HER decision, HER right, you two are NOT compatible and schmoozing her to change her mind with empty promises like she won’t be doing it alone (ha!) and you’ll never leave her and your Mini You is manipulation and disrespectful and additionally makes you incompatible.


It's funny society puts no pressure on males to breed and be domesticated like they do to women.



Its kind of expected of you really. You are a woman so you therefore want children and there is something wrong with you if you dont. You have had a child you should want to stay home everyday and devote every minute of every day to your children and want nothing more from life. Youve got something wrong with you if you dont.


And who gets blamed for EVERYthing, especially if the kid goes bad and starts chopping people up and burying bodies in the basement…..MOTHER.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 51
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 2:02:39 PM
I didn't see anything in the original post that showed Op is pressuring his ex, just that the feelings have resurfaced which has highlighted the issue again.

I also believe that men have choices as well. Some men do not want to be with a woman that has children. That is their choice. Some men want their woman to have children, or be in relationships that involved children. And like I said, as long as the guy states what he is interested in, but does not put that pressure on, I don't see a problem.
Totally agree.

She should get her tubes tied if she wants anyone to take seriously her claim she doesn't want kids. Most women who claim they don't want kids end up "changing their mind"
I got a tubal ligation at 26, I would have had one earlier but I didn't meet the criteria to even be considered for it. You have to be 25 or have three kids- at that point I met both criteria and STILL got grilled left and right by the doctor. I've never regretted the decision, but I do acknowledge that it was probably overkill in many ways.

Oh and btw, I had a birthday party with almost twenty kids at my place the day after my surgery- me being the only adult.. so I wasn't exactly crippled in pain. Though, it wasn't all that pleasant either, lol.

Every single guy that I have had feelings for after wanted kids (their own).. go figure?

One of the benefits of online dating is being able to iron out such things before you develop feelings Op. Good luck to you, I know it's hard to walk away when you love someone and want it to work out.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 52
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 4:37:34 PM
Vicki
I dont think that is necessarily true in this day and age. Many women choose to work and more and more men are staying home with their kids. So the stereotypical roles are not so rigid anymore.

I know several women who have opted not to have children and I am one of them. Whether anyone thinks we are lacking in some way, who cares. I know many unwanted and abused children around that should never have been born.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 53
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 5:56:20 PM
Wow. Dude -- chill out. First, she's 29 and she's "scared about having kids" and could go throughout life quite happily without having any. The whole childbirth (pain), body changes to deal with, etc -- hey, she's got a career to progress, right?

Yah, many career-oriented women at 29 who end up having kids in their mid-30s feel the same. Are you in love with her, or in love with having kids? Are you trying to have them Now? WTF? If so, this concept of "having feelings" for this.... this... "girl".... is conflicting with your #1 goal of breeding ASAP! OH no! ;)
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