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 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 41
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
just hereforthecookies- THIS! Well said.
OP, you two want different things.
You aren't wrong for wanting children, but she isn't wrong that she doesn't.
Having children is a HUGE decision, it is life altering and NO one that doesn't want children should have them. Our prisons are FULL of people that were unwanted/unloved, if anything is going to mess someone up, it's knowing that you aren't wanted or loved by a parent.
Me, I knew I wanted children, so I sought out someone that did too.
There's your answer.
Let her go, don't contact her again once you do, to get over her, you are going to have to stay away.
You can fall in love again and next time make sure they want children too.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 42
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/19/2015 3:27:38 PM
Can't believe people defend this stuff so vehemently.

It's OKAY for them to have different views about babies.

It's NOT OKAY for one to have the expectation that the other will change their mind.

I happen to agree with IG that men SHOULD have the same reproductive decisions that women do, though (they don't).
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 43
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 6:49:52 AM
The women who state they never wanted children were not that serious about it in the first place. Nobody now mentions it to me now since I'm past my breeding years. It's funny society puts no pressure on males to breed and be domesticated like they do to women.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 44
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 7:00:57 AM

The women who state they never wanted children were not that serious about it in the first place.


Hotdog, that is a gross generalization. I've known these women. I was married to one. WE did not want kids at all. We were serious about it. Then something bit her, age, the bio clock, or some realization that we were okay and would not become our own parents. But by then it was too late. We tried for like five years, but medical conditions made it impossible. So the statement above cannot be that broad. There are women that were not that serious about it, and there were those the were.
 Ainen
Joined: 6/27/2013
Msg: 45
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:25:30 AM
She should get her tubes tied if she wants anyone to take seriously her claim she doesn't want kids. Most women who claim they don't want kids end up "changing their mind" (I put that in quotes because I believe they knew it all along). Their biological alarm clock rings and they get baby rabies.

You say she's "not convinced". If she had an account on here, her entry for wants kids would be "undecided" which means yes.

The supply of women who have baby rabies is huge, therefore the OP should not have difficulty finding a more compatible partner.

The supply of men who don't want kids is huge, therefore the OP is getting in the way of men who would appreciate her (at least during her current state of not wanting kids yet).

You already broke up with her once, showing it probably won't last if you get back together, and might create additions to the zillion Western kids who don't have a father, adding to increased crime and taxpayer burdens and other problems associated with fatherless households.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 46
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:33:00 AM
Actually ainen your comment shows that you are a man. Getting your tubes tied, even if endoscopic in nature, is surgery. My mother had major pain when she underwent this surgery back in 1977. My brother in law underwent a vasectomy a decade or more ago because he did not want my sister to go through surgery vs. a minor procedure for him.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 47
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 8:50:18 AM
Lol, I think his pic makes it clear he's a man too.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 48
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 9:28:16 AM
This is akin to expecting a person with a fear of flying and heights to jump out of a plane just because you get an adrenaline rush from it. If that's your thing, find someone who's interested in it too instead of insisting that "because I love you, you should do this for me". Sounds like a mama's boy who is used to getting his way every time he stomps his feet. Yuck!
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 49
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 9:45:27 AM
You need more aerodynamic buzz streaks in your hair.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 50
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 11:37:31 AM

Really? Is it just a matter of compatibility? I'd rather think it's not. What if you both are perfectly compatible on everything but the kids issue?


Wanting to produce another human being or not is not like being incompatible over the color of the bathroom walls issue.

I maintain that if you’re not in agreement over having children, you are NOT “perfectly compatible.”


And by the way, there is nothing inherently wrong with changing one's mind. My two brothers didn't want kids or get married. Their girlfriends did both. One is married with a kid, the other one hasn't married nor has kids. And both are equally happy, by the way.


Goody. Men often say they never want to get married because they think it makes them look cool in front of their buddies. Being married and CREATING a HUMAN BEING and being responsible for it for the rest of its life are NOT the same thing.


There is nothing wrong with changing one's mind. And sure, there is a very fine line between changing one's mind and manipulation, but dont' we do that all the time?


Maybe you do and that’s why you think it’s okay. If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother it’s HER decision, HER right, you two are NOT compatible and schmoozing her to change her mind with empty promises like she won’t be doing it alone (ha!) and you’ll never leave her and your Mini You is manipulation and disrespectful and additionally makes you incompatible.


It's funny society puts no pressure on males to breed and be domesticated like they do to women.



Its kind of expected of you really. You are a woman so you therefore want children and there is something wrong with you if you dont. You have had a child you should want to stay home everyday and devote every minute of every day to your children and want nothing more from life. Youve got something wrong with you if you dont.


And who gets blamed for EVERYthing, especially if the kid goes bad and starts chopping people up and burying bodies in the basement…..MOTHER.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 51
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 2:02:39 PM
I didn't see anything in the original post that showed Op is pressuring his ex, just that the feelings have resurfaced which has highlighted the issue again.

I also believe that men have choices as well. Some men do not want to be with a woman that has children. That is their choice. Some men want their woman to have children, or be in relationships that involved children. And like I said, as long as the guy states what he is interested in, but does not put that pressure on, I don't see a problem.
Totally agree.

She should get her tubes tied if she wants anyone to take seriously her claim she doesn't want kids. Most women who claim they don't want kids end up "changing their mind"
I got a tubal ligation at 26, I would have had one earlier but I didn't meet the criteria to even be considered for it. You have to be 25 or have three kids- at that point I met both criteria and STILL got grilled left and right by the doctor. I've never regretted the decision, but I do acknowledge that it was probably overkill in many ways.

Oh and btw, I had a birthday party with almost twenty kids at my place the day after my surgery- me being the only adult.. so I wasn't exactly crippled in pain. Though, it wasn't all that pleasant either, lol.

Every single guy that I have had feelings for after wanted kids (their own).. go figure?

One of the benefits of online dating is being able to iron out such things before you develop feelings Op. Good luck to you, I know it's hard to walk away when you love someone and want it to work out.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 52
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 4:37:34 PM
Vicki
I dont think that is necessarily true in this day and age. Many women choose to work and more and more men are staying home with their kids. So the stereotypical roles are not so rigid anymore.

I know several women who have opted not to have children and I am one of them. Whether anyone thinks we are lacking in some way, who cares. I know many unwanted and abused children around that should never have been born.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 53
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/20/2015 5:56:20 PM
Wow. Dude -- chill out. First, she's 29 and she's "scared about having kids" and could go throughout life quite happily without having any. The whole childbirth (pain), body changes to deal with, etc -- hey, she's got a career to progress, right?

Yah, many career-oriented women at 29 who end up having kids in their mid-30s feel the same. Are you in love with her, or in love with having kids? Are you trying to have them Now? WTF? If so, this concept of "having feelings" for this.... this... "girl".... is conflicting with your #1 goal of breeding ASAP! OH no! ;)
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 54
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 3:08:15 AM
Two words - Brad Pitt.
If you want kids, leave her now.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 55
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 7:15:42 AM
Agree with the above statement just leave and don't waste her time with false hope that you've accepted her choice. Life is too short for you to waste her time. How many times does that need to be repeated. A vast majority of us have given you wise advice.
 RussArtLover
Joined: 5/13/2010
Msg: 56
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HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 8:24:00 AM
Haven't read over your thread but you guys might try babysitting together from time to time. Let her see you with a baby in your arms, See how she takes it. If she still comes away adamant about living so independently then you know no amount of talk will make a difference.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 57
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 8:40:20 AM
^^^Sure. Go to a local Rent-A-Kid store that rents them by the hour, and try it out. There are people who are fine with kids, but don't want them 24/7 for years and decades. Why would this test be needed instead of taking her word for it, that she doesn't want kids? Do you think someone is going to go along with being tested to see or to prove if their feelings are wrong? Is there a test for people who say they want kids, to know if they really want kids, or if they're bluffing? That would be a lot more important, because there are a lot of kids who were never wanted in the first place, who were accidents. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill, when the solution is so simple, which is find someone who is on the same page when it comes to breeding.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 58
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 3:44:09 PM

So you are dating this guy for more than a year. You have an incredible time together. Everything goes smoothly and you think you can't find anyone more compatible with you. He loves you and you love him. Then one day the kids issue is brought up, turns out that you tell him you want kids, and he doesn't. Now read your quote I've posted above and tell me you think the same.


I think the same.

More than a year of incredible smooth compatible times with him and we’ve never once discussed children, in any way? I think not.

So what do you suggest…that I harass him until he sees things my way? Or that he harasses me? Disrespecting and disregarding the other’s feelings isn’t love, and it isn’t compatibility. If you want to have relationships like this, and wait over a year before discussing children, go for it. Don’t be surprised if she isn’t motivated by your manipulation.

Also I’m not into inventing arguments based on fictitious relatives who supposedly agree with your argument. Like I said, men often say they never want to get married because they think it makes them look cool in front of their buddies. You can only speak from your own perspective.


Especially if the kid is the next Nazi Führer and kills 6 millions jews... Chopping people up and burying bodies in the basement??? Where the fu.ck are you from??


Take a deep breath. I wasn’t talking to you.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 59
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/21/2015 9:50:41 PM
I don't get your simplification reference. Believe it or not most of us were either married, had relationships, reproduced and had a lot of experience dating and living. Great advice was given by older people and frankly some things can be simple black/white issues that can't be resolved with disrespecting that persons choices.
 hotdogshop100
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 60
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/22/2015 7:53:02 AM
That is exactly what I'm saying. However you seem to crave drama and unnecessary grief in your life so go for it. I believe the younger crowd has a disease called know it all itis. Believing they are the only generation that has ever had adult romantic relationships.
 Bill1025
Joined: 1/15/2010
Msg: 61
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HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/22/2015 9:34:29 AM
Be glad she loves you and you love her...soon she'll be telling you that her biological clock is ticking and it's time to have kids. One reason that woman are attracted to men, or so I've heard, is that they see their guy as someone they'd like to bear their children.
 _shakti_
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 62
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/22/2015 7:34:52 PM

It's not as easy as saying as "don't waste her time", "you are not compatible" or "you are manipulating her".

It's far more comfortable to think in dualistic terms, black and white, better or worse, yes or no, compatible or incompatible.
For what it's worth, I totally agree.

I worked with a woman who gave up her desire to be with a man who couldn't have any. She sometimes spoke of how she had always wished for children, but she never held it against her husband. She is also a christian and her husband is an atheist, and she spoke of how she sometimes wished for a partner to share that with.. but not enough to give up the man she loves and has chosen to spend her life with. I highly doubt she is the only person on the planet to make a similar decision.

And yes, there are examples to the contrary too. People who walk away from love in order to pursue their own goals and dreams with someone who is on the same page.

Either way, it isn't an easy decision. When love is involved things are rarely black and white.
 chocolategirl6
Joined: 10/13/2014
Msg: 63
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/29/2015 9:22:45 PM
I think you should respect her desires and if it's not for you move on to someone else. Stop trying to reassure her if something she has told you she doesn't want.Get with someone who want's kids if that's what you want but if you can accept her for who she is continue trying.
 Dan198508
Joined: 11/7/2014
Msg: 64
HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/31/2015 2:18:14 PM
Childbirth causes permanent brain changes, her whole body shifts from meeting her own needs to meeting her baby's needs, so you can't force her to do that because it's her body and she can do what she wants with it. So she is right that she wants a piece of life for herself but not to worry, when she grows older that will change.

What's the rush with the kids anyways? Seems a bit surprizing lol. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 65
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HELP - PLZ ! SHE DOESNT WANT KIDS - I DO!!
Posted: 1/31/2015 3:46:00 PM
The issue was never, who is right or wrong, those who want kids, those who don't. The issue was, the OP asking "what should he do" when the answer was so obvious. If you don't want the same things, move one.

And it is totally ridiculous for anyone to deny that some people will change their mind after having been adamantly, seriously, and totally committed to living a child-free lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with that change, and it will almost definitely make a marriage impossible if one partner changes and the other does not. But to argue that women who say, in their 20s, that they definitely do not want children--and then change their mind-weren't serious in the first place is both unrealistic and illogical.

It would be equally unrealistic and illogical, however, for a man committed to parenting someday to stay in a relationship with a woman who says she does not want kids (or woman/man in the opposite positions). No one actually knows how they WILL feel about anything in the future--it's just an educated guess at this point, and holding people to something they said in the past, as though change is immoral or something--well, that's just stupid. You roll with life or you don't. And if you don't, you will be a lot more miserable than you need to be.

People change in some ways. In other ways, they don't. Not one of us actually knows what the future will bring. Duh.
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