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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Together forever, no marriage, separate homes      Home login  
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 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 51
Together forever, no marriage, separate homesPage 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
I actually do have a friend that is doing this. She had one exclusive relationship that lasted 20 yrs before they split and her current exclusive relationship has been going on about 6 yrs. Living apart is how she likes it. She and her sweetie see each other several days a week. I don't do marriage well and her shorter relationship has been longer than either of my marriages.
 lifeisgrand5
Joined: 12/29/2014
Msg: 52
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/23/2015 2:11:48 AM
I don't think it would work for me.
 OneKewlDood
Joined: 5/21/2014
Msg: 53
Combined finances
Posted: 1/23/2015 4:22:47 AM

ozsealady1 says...

I suppose the scenario I mean't.

One partner owns the house outright with no debts.
Other partner has nothing but debts, no regular income and is living in reduced circumstances.

How does that reduce expenses for anyone?

It certainly can assist the broke person to get on their feet.

Agreed if both people are paying individual rent or a mortgage then two can live as cheaply as one.


Ya know, I hadn't considered that because I don't know anyone under 60 who outright owns their own home. I certainly don't. But in that case, then yes one of them would be freeloading on the other. Of course, presumably if you really loved someone you should be happy to help them in any way, and if offering to co-habitate would help them financially then why wouldn't you?

I actually have an interesting living situation; I live with a good (female) friend and her daughter. And it's my house! She was having trouble paying her rent, I have 5 bedrooms and only use 2 (sleep and office) so I let her move in. She pays a little towards utilities and a small rent fee (which helps me), but it totals more than $500 less than what she was paying before.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 54
Combined finances
Posted: 1/23/2015 6:42:13 AM
I have no problem creating experiences now and retiring with memories later.

I 'assume' a least wealthy scenario regarding being with my future partner at retirement.

We both bring nothing to the table except social security checks.

Sadly, I did meet a gal that worked under the table (figuratively) her whole life (i.e. bartending) and won't even be getting SS.

She candidly said she is looking for a man to take care of her, yet doesn't like men with money who are proud of it...WTF?

Livin' La Vida Loca while I can :)
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 55
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Posted: 1/23/2015 9:46:41 AM
Clooney -- even people who have worked "under the table" all their lives will get "a pittance" on Social Security once they reach that age.

Women are delusional if they think that they can find "a man to take care of them." There are too many young, beautiful, accomplished women out there for them to date, without all that financial drama. Maybe back in "olden days" men had to "pay", but those days are long in the past.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 56
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Posted: 1/23/2015 2:19:05 PM


Women are delusional if they think that they can find "a man to take care of them."

I've known a few who do seem to have 'snagged' a man to take care of them. I've had email chat with several men, many long distance, who will tell me just about anything, and I hear from them how they've bailed women out of 'situations' for thousands of dollars, and later regretted it.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 57
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Posted: 1/23/2015 3:08:31 PM
For me it doesn't make sense to live together forever separately. I still have years of house payments ahead of me, probably underwater there, little retirement to count on and so I'm one of the lucky ones who 'snagged' a guy (on POF) who has his house paid off, retirement set and doesn't need much household contribution from me. All he asks is I work, and save for retirement. He's good looking, fit, my age, a great sense of humor, and understanding of my situation too...

Yeah, I'm glad there are still a few good ones out there. Oh, and I don't expect any 'bailout'.
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 58
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Posted: 1/23/2015 5:04:53 PM
Although this is my preference as I previously posted and all of my serious post marriage relationships have worked this way what has happened is that at some point, usually after a year into it the women start pushing for marriage. That would be OK if they had similar assets, baggage I could live with and and continued to seem to be "the one" but the increasing pressure to marry and other issues have caused me to pull back and eventually out of the relationships.

 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 59
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Posted: 1/23/2015 6:00:52 PM
Well, I'm glad my guy had the nerve to step up and propose after years of being single. He probably weighed the alternatives carefully after dating over 3 years.
 jeanmarie2
Joined: 8/1/2010
Msg: 60
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 3:10:38 PM
I always thought a duplex would be the way to go - his side & her side.
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 61
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 3:26:09 PM

I always thought a duplex would be the way to go - his side & her side.


I actually know a 50 year long married couple living this way, one on each side of a duplex.

A primary reason I go for living in separate houses and not marrying is that 70% of second marriages and 80% of third marriages fail to go the distance and usually it is the woman who pulls the plug. IMHO it would be foolish to take on those odds. Furthermore remarriages can really mess up estate planning and lead to dissension among one's issue and devisees. It gives me a headache to think about it!
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 62
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 4:27:41 PM
I think financial consideration is the main reason people move in together. However if you state upfront that you don't wish to share a home with a guy, who is wanting the maid and the mistress then there is no misunderstanding.

I would never have a guy around 24/7 after years of living alone and liking it. Familiarity breeds contempt and you tend to take each for granted.

I think that moving into someone's home that they have had for years and really want to rule the roost and have things their way, can be a problem. Best to get another place entirely and have equal input and financial investment. That is the ideal. I would still want separate bedrooms.

Some people just want to be married and continue to do it, multiple times, especially in the US!!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 63
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 6:17:05 PM

I always thought a duplex would be the way to go - his side & her side


But if things don't work out, it would be almost as bad as splitting up when living together. That's why a lot of people who are in favor of living apart want some distance between homes-at least a few blocks away.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 64
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 6:30:31 PM
Married twice, and lived together successful once. First marriage, we bought a home together, he worked, I mothered; second, we bought together, we both worked and paid. Last time around, I moved into his rent controlled apt. in NYC. We just decided to do it. It wasn't until a good friend freaked on me that we talked finances. He paid, because he would have anyways. My name wasn't on the lease, so when he died, I was booted. So good thing I kept my house here. I fed us at home, he fed us if we ate out. He kept the maid, but she didn't come as often, nor have much to do when she did. If he had a really long gig out of town and could sublet, he did, and I either went with him, or came home.

We talked early about marriage, and he felt, strongly, that he wasn't good at it, and did not want us aimed that direction. I thought about it for a couple of days, and agreed to try it his way. It was never a problem, though I did from time to time feel him sorta playing with breaking his own rule. And I most certainly *felt* widowed when he died.

Had one very long term relationship that I felt would have benefited from living in different houses, around the block from each other. Neither of us could manage even a long weekend with the other. When it finally ended around the 20 year mark, what I mostly felt was relief. Didn't miss the middle of the night phone calls, either.

I think Hank's right: just stay open to what you're feeling and who you are with. . . .

 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 65
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/24/2015 9:40:00 PM
I find it sad that so many on here have no intention of sharing a home with a partner. LIving alone together is not "together" as far as I'm concerned.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 66
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 5:14:30 AM
Many women don't want to live with a man without marriage. Many men don't want to marry.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 67
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 5:52:28 AM
When I get married I will have my own room... Having fun fixing it up now. He has his man cave in the basement and so we'll have separate and together time. An adjustment after living alone so long-yes, but we're both mature and mindful of the other, so we're gonna go for it. The thought of getting back on POF is incentive enough, lol.
 c0mplex0ne
Joined: 2/16/2014
Msg: 68
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 5:56:05 AM
At the 8 year mark of my marriage dissolving....I don't see myself living with a man again. I'd love to find love again, but I'll never again leave myself open to being left destitute. I have independence (apt, car, work, money, friends, etc). He can have his place. I'll always want my "own"... and at this point I don't think I want to share. Of course, I'm not in love....so my perspective could change.....
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 69
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 10:02:06 AM

When I get married I will have my own room... Having fun fixing it up now. He has his man cave in the basement and so we'll have separate and together time.


I recall, when I was school age, visiting friends in their houses, whose parents lived like that-the husband being downstairs in his man cave all of the time while the wife is upstairs. In two cases that I know of, the husband spent the time in "his" space drinking, and eventually passing out from being so drunk. The wife didn't seem to mind since she didn't have to see him totally hammered every day. The family would have dinner together, but that was about it for together time, and the husband would head downstairs for liquid desert for the rest of the evening. I thought it was a sad way to live in a marriage, but for some reason, they stuck it out to the end in both cases.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 70
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 10:05:40 AM

Many women don't want to live with a man without marriage.


Many women don't feel a need to get married again,as well. From reading the forums I take from the posts that more would be happy to live together or live together apart. I rarely see anyone post that marriage is a priority or a must. I am quite happy to have a committed live together relationship/ partnership and don't require a wedding band.
 Fire_and_Ice4_You
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 71
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 11:04:29 AM
I'll never say never.....But I have to say, after my last ...what I thought might be forever relationship....I hate to think, where I would be if I had sold my home and invested in his/him....that is what he wanted.
I think as we age...we need to be cautious of making a mistake....I'm not too worried about my "feelings" but I am at a point where I have to be wise about what I have.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying each others company.....no matter how it happens...imo.
I have a couple aunts that live in retirement communities....no one at that age wants to lose their financial benefits or homes. Time is short...they enjoy each other and may or may not go back to their own dwellings at night...I don't know...I have one aunt that is on her 3rd man friend....she enjoys their company for what it is....lol.
 Never_in_Life
Joined: 1/13/2015
Msg: 72
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/25/2015 12:47:25 PM
^^^If I was someone involved with you, I'd spend the majority of our time at your place, because I bet it's beautiful.

I'm going to close my eyes and you're going to describe what you see when you look off your deck.

Waitaminit. That was ridiculous... :-D
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 73
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Yesss. :-)
Posted: 1/25/2015 4:13:24 PM
Message 70-No worries there, we will do our drinking together (couple of beers on the weekend). I just wouldn't want to watch MMA with him on a regular basis and he is not into sitcoms. Well I did get him interested in Modern Family and I would watch the occasional war documentary with him.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 74
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Yesss. :-)
Posted: 1/26/2015 8:53:29 PM
My house is too tiny.......for more than one person full time, and one "occasional" guest.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 75
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/26/2015 9:38:48 PM
deetristate- I would consider it. As long as we have good/open communication and we agree to discuss it if it's no longer working for either of us.
I could see it helping to keep things from getting stale, you have your privacy and if there's a breakup nobody's facing financial ruin.
All good things, now I just have to find someone else that would also consider it ;)
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Together forever, no marriage, separate homes