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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Together forever, no marriage, separate homes      Home login  
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 flirtingwithdisaster55
Joined: 12/16/2014
Msg: 76
Together forever, no marriage, separate homesPage 4 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
Sometimes I think I'd like that, but having been divorced for 10 years I'd have to give it a lot of serious consideration. I've become kind of a fan of the "together/apart" concept because I really like my alone time. My ex-husband snored like a freight train and most of the men I've dated also snore. I can't tolerate my sleep being disturbed. I know that's silly and petty, but I'm being honest.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 77
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:01:01 AM
I have a friend who loves her guy but she loves her house, I think she's in a semi-rural area and he loves living in Dallas, so they're together and have been for a long time and neither one of them is moving. They spend half their time at her place, the other half at his. A student I tutored years ago, several kids from both marriages so they kept both homes and the kids did not really grow up as step-kids in the same home, although I think the kids are close.

A few years ago I couldn't imagine having a relationship and not cohabing after a certain period of time but now? Even if I wound up moving in or him moving in it wouldn't be a bad thing to keep the other house as rental property, maybe for either party's kids or grandkids to live in, and maybe at this juncture if you remain with someone when it would be pretty darned easy to dissolve things, that's not a bad thing either.

I think when I was younger I had that traditional mindset that if people really loved each other they would marry, but at the time I was still young enough to have children and I couldn't imagine doing that without being married. Now, I think if I was in a relationship with someone at some point I'm still a traditional person and would probably want to be married but if there was no real reason to save the money and maintain only one residence, maybe between all the years of dogs, kids, people who needed somewhere to crash I might not mind a situation wherein the other person is not around enough to have me feeling at some point that I wished he wasn't under my feet.

Don't get me wrong, ten years ago and probably even five or six years ago when I split with my ex, I would have loved to get together with someone, remarry, do the Brady Bunch thing but I've only got one kiddo now that is not legally considered an adult. My criteria won't change, if you want me you are getting a package deal even if I ever manage to pry all three of their butts from my home, but maybe if we maintained separate residences the fact that I am a reader and he is not, or whatever else, maybe that space would be a good thing? I think it totally depends on the two individuals. Hell, if both partners have a couple of kids and they like their kids and grandkids around, it might make more sense to maintain two homes than to buy one big enough to accommodate the entire clan without a logistical sleeping nightmare or having someone opt for a hotel.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 78
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 10:08:32 AM
After my divorce.....I thought I would be happily remarried by the time I was 4 or so. Then 50 came, and 55 came, and it didn't happen. And that is okay. It would be wonderful to have a monogamous relationship -- I have never been the type to sleep around and run from man to man. I'm relationship-minded. But that doesn't necessarily mean marriage or living in someone else's house.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 79
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 10:08:55 AM
I meant to say by the time I was "45 or so."
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 80
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 3:35:34 PM
silly and petty that your sleep is disturbed? I dont think so. I couldnt bear a snorer in bed with me for sure.
I
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 81
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 4:18:21 PM

My house is too tiny.......for more than one person full time, and one "occasional" guest.

I can see that, but when living together, you cut down on living expenses.... so around the time that you would, you could just wait and sell your home in a reasonable amount of time (no rush) -- or even just rent it out while living with him (assuming his isn't so tiny).

Are there any men interested in this type of relationship?

If you're going to be Together FOREVER, in Separate homes -- that's kind of odd. That's mixing oil & water, IMO. I could see each living in the same Condo complex next door to each other, where the Condos aren't so big, or both still have kids, etc. Sure. But we're talking Forever, so at some point, it's just going to be You and They, in each place? Again, I could see if each has a Small place and are within a brisk walking distance at the most.

Otherwise, why "Together FOREVER?" if you don't want to live with them, even if it's a roomy place for a family of 4-5, but it's just you two? You probably shouldn't be set for an LTR, let alone FOREVER!

I once knew a gal who was Divorced for several years. She said she's been in an LTR for well over a year since then, but then she explained something I've heard more than once -- she'd have a weekend Date once every two weeks, chat on IM or text every other few days, etc. And in her mind, that was a Serious Relationship. In my mind, that was just a "filler" for companionship and not really wanting much of it -- and being suspended in "someone I'm kinda seeing."
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 82
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 5:46:26 PM
^^^I agree. An average sized house with 3 bedrooms and a finished basement, there's just so much unused space with 1 person. If you can't handle bumping into each other on a regular basis, why the 'forever' mindset? I guess it goes back to the 'what if' they try to take my stuff, scenario. How likely is this at this age, I wonder.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 83
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 5:47:14 PM
All of the excuses for not wanting to live together "forever" with someone you supposedly love -he snores too loud, I want my alone time, blah, blah, blah-is all total BS. The people who are in favor of this have been through the wringer (otherwise known as marriage) at least once before, and have seen the ugly side of the mixing money and marriage, where the battle plan is to hurt the other person in the wallet when the marriage crumbles into dust.

When people recover from that (or assume they have recovered), and start rebuilding their lives, they go into round two with a totally different mindset. They stock up on defensive artillery, making sure no one can ever claim any ownership of any of their assets, and everything is separately owned-just in case "forever" turns into "temporarily forever", just like round one. That way, they won't lose their shirts in another divorce and have to look for another place.

There will never be total trust in that type of relationship. If you're the type that demands total trust in a relationship, ask yourself the following: Would you two be willing to combine all of your assets and money into one pot that becomes Our pot-no more his and her stuff? If it's together forever, why not? Using my special powers of cyber mind reading, I doubt many people would go for that. That could be a reason why second marriages have such a low success rate.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 84
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 6:18:23 PM
^^^Wouldn't 2nd marriages have a higher success rate if they kept finances separate?
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 85
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 6:32:12 PM
_^^^. Money doesn't have as much to do with 2nd marriage failures. It's the blending of other things like both being used to their own "space", other influences like step children or custody arrangements or ex drama. Seeing each other on weekends is totally different than living together as you see the "real " person...socks on the floor, toilet seat left up, too much time spent on scrapbooking or other crud. It's amazing what comes up in the light of day. And yes, finances come into play..he spends too much on toys, she spends too much on her kid. It goes on and on. If half of first marriages fail...just why do 73%!of second marriages fail? Who knows...there are a million answers. And why keep finances separate? Aren't you sharing costs? You should be. Why should one carry the load?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 86
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 6:59:08 PM
Bluemoon 24 7- We are getting off the subject, but I have to say...........
Any one that wonders why people shouldn't combine finances has never had the worst happen.
Once you get married, your spouses credit worthiness (or more to the point, UN worthiness) can effect your credit and that's the best of it.
Spit happens, people's credit can be improved, but there are some people that just can NOT be responsible with money.
Not to mention, if you have a joint account and the other person decides to leave you, they can go to the bank and clean out the account without your permission, leaving you broke and dumped, sound like a good idea? Not to me.
I'm in favor of open and honest communication, and I'm not TOTALLY against the idea of a joint account, but ideally, I'm in favor of three accounts, one combined and one of your own, each. You talk, agree to how much you can afford to spend from your personal accounts, on what, and what is shared/paid in the joint account.
I once worked with a woman that came to work, back from a week long vacation that SHE paid for, back two days, tried to use her debit card, and it was rejected. Her (soon to be ex) husband had WAITED until after the vacation and caught her cold and drained the account. She had to live with her mother for a month, then a motel for another three months, to get back on her feet. It happens more than people would want to believe.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 87
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:06:23 PM
When I said "share" I meant just that...share. I did not discard having your own funds. For example, I like the idea of each putting 50% of their monthly income into a joint account for housing, groceries, joint living costs, etc. and the balance in a separate account, in your own name...solely. I've seen the devastation as well. The thing I was alluding to is that some still think the the guy should be paying for most of the living costs, if not all. I want to share.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 88
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:16:28 PM
One would think that second marriages would fare much better than the 50/50 success rate of first marriages.
For whatever reason, those second marriages have a statistically worse success rate.

One would anticipate people learn from their mistakes, yet it doesn't seem to be the real-world practice. Perhaps that is subconscious reason many singles (of marriage age) are not eager to immediately make a trip to the altar.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 89
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:18:07 PM

All of the excuses for not wanting to live together "forever" with someone you supposedly love -he snores too loud, I want my alone time, blah, blah, blah-is all total BS.

True, but that's a very different scenario that what the OP is getting at. It's to stay together Forever WITHOUT living together. If I have a single buddy and we're both single for, say, 10 years living together in a big house -- we have GFs, but never get married or move in, until one day he does...

...and he says "Well, I want to be with her FOREVER, as we've been going out for 2 years now. But I want what's mine is mine, and hers hers! I had a divorce 10 years ago. I don't want to have to go through splitting everything and all that!"

I'd say "But wait, would WE have to split everything if you moved out and moved in with her?"

So, I don't think merely living together would run into that anymore than two roommates. I could see falling into a trap with a few things, as some roommates can... but if you've been divorced before, I think pre-emptively handling that kinda stuff would be a piece of cake and wouldn't be of a concern, right?
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 90
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:21:13 PM
My guy has his house about paid off and does quite fine with utilities and other household expenses. He sees no reason for me to pay into his house, so I'll buy some groceries and pay my own expenses such as car insurance, clothing, etc.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 91
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:22:34 PM
I think a fair formula is to calculate JOINT expenses.

Calculate TOTAL income.

Each partner contributes their percentage of TOTAL income to the JOINT expenses.

Not looking to change my current lifestyle but ok with contributing my current rent towards a future rent or mortgage.

I was transparent with ex's.

Joints accounts worked but made gifts challenging, and sneaking gifts to my oldest son (long story).

All this talk of money and meeting my final partner in life certainly doesn't make the fairy tale any easier.

Peace.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 92
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:26:21 PM

If half of first marriages fail...just why do 73%!of second marriages fail? Who knows...there are a million answers.


It seems obvious.

If you take a group of people already proven to fail at marriage, and they make another attempt, then one would expect a higher failure rate than you would get with a group of young untested men and women. The young people will have both those that have healthy relationships and unstable ones.

Those that are divorced will have a higher percentage of people with emotional problems that caused the breakup.

Those that are divorced, perhaps their "picker" is broken and they pick poor partners, perhaps they don't make good partners, themselves. A lot of people blame others instead of looking at their own part in the failure. So they never change and either repeat the same failure or over compensate creating a new problem.

If two divorced people get married, then the possibly of failure is increased.

Some divorced people learn and will change, but many won't.

Winners keep winning, losers keep losing. It's not an absolute, but it's defiantly a trend.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 93
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 7:31:28 PM
"...so I'll buy some groceries and pay my own expenses..." Good gig if you can get it.

I prefer shared, both contributing an equal percentage of their income to cover joint living costs.

And Dragon, you have a valid point.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 94
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 8:27:41 PM
Male-Female Relationships have changed quite a bit in between the time that I married and divorced.
Before, even if you both worked, you had this understanding about his and her responsibilities. I liked that and there was no discussion and bookkeeping on money, chores, etc, ( Ex. I washed the dishes the 4 of the last five days, it is her turn, etc. I paid $56 for the coffee maker and she only paid $40 for the popcorn machine so I am not paying for anything else until she spends $16 more dollars, she's liberated, she can cut the grass and wash the clothes.) "Modern men" now require you to participate in both roles. You have more responsibilities, they have fewer. That is fine if you don't mind.
I don't want to do that EVERY day.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 95
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/28/2015 8:56:42 PM
i don't know if things have "changed". I got married a million years ago and we were both young and had nothing except wedding gifts, a new bedroom suite and hand me down everything else. If things feel apart after a couple of years...we both still had not a lot of anything to divide. But we did accumulate after two children and thirty years of marriage. So now I have "stuff". So I'm going into a relationship with "stuff" and I'm sure he has "stuff". In my situation, I'm widowed so I got all the "stuff" and chances are, any man I meet will probably be divorced and will have half of his "stuff". It's talking, compromising and blending the "stuff" as well as our suitcases of memories and experiences. Kinda cool. I do know that I'm sort of traditional as far as my home goes...I like cooking, doing laundry, even ironing but my one thing is....we will have a house cleaner and my guy must do the grilling. The rest is "play it by ear" and can be worked out. I've already stated my opinion on money. And we still need yours, mine and ours as that just makes sense.
 deetristate
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 96
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/29/2015 3:14:07 AM
I don't care for the whole bookkeeping and balance sheeting that people do now in relationships these days, whether regarding tasks, activities or money.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 97
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/29/2015 3:38:59 AM
I would think most in our age group are very sensitive regarding how they reach the finish line.

Bookkeeping and balance sheeting sounds dry and morose. I hear that. Pretty damn hard to bond over FICO scores and net worth at Starbucks; or how much I'll lose by giving my time to someone.

A LTR seems insurmountable when you're already concerned about assets and possible future anchors.

How the hell can you possibly live in the moment when you're already at the finish line???

Sometimes you just have to say 'fvck it'. I like this persons company and how they make me feel .

I'll easily share what I have with someone that gets me.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 98
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/29/2015 4:08:22 AM
Another bonus for me...He prefers to continue doing his own laundry and prepare his meals during the week. Kinda persnickity, I guess. Works for me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 99
Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/29/2015 5:17:31 AM

Each partner contributes their percentage of TOTAL income to the JOINT expenses.


I would think people would see this as a viable option in a live-together situation, but it could be a problem down the line if there's a big difference in income levels, which means someone is paying more than the other when the idea is to share expenses 50/50, or in the event of either one losing their job, where the working partner is now paying 100% of expenses. Or if someone gets a promotion with a big pay increase, but doesn't like the idea of putting more money in the shared pot. And with the older crowd, some people will be able to take early retirement, which totally changes the financial picture. It's funny how everybody says that money should not be a factor when choosing a partner, but so many problems in a marriage boils down to money. And almost all divorces boils down to money.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 100
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Together forever, no marriage, separate homes
Posted: 1/29/2015 6:22:01 AM


and most of the men I've dated also snore. I can't tolerate my sleep being disturbed. I know that's silly and petty, but I'm being honest.


A lady friend taught me this. Get those little ear plugs you put in your ears. You won't hear the snorer and you will sleep better. It works.
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