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 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 26
smoker who lied on profile Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
It takes awhile to get to know a person, even if they pass our initial screening. After a person relaxes, deal breaking behaviors can crop up (disrespect, critical behavior, meanness, not keeping promises, refusal to listen, heavy drinking, drug use, etc.)

That's why I'm giving men more a chance, after they pass my initial screening. I want to see how we get along and problem-solve together.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has positive and negative aspects of their personality. The best relationships involve good communication and working through problems together. This builds intimacy and trust.
 ozsealady1
Joined: 6/13/2013
Msg: 27
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 2:45:24 PM
Defining the line between stretching the truth and deliberate deception can be fraught with difficulty.

May I put forward this scenario.


You meet a wonderful person.
Date for a period of time.
They continue to be wonderful.
You become engaged and when you are filling out the forms for your wedding licence you realise they are a different chronological age to what was on their dating profile 2 years ago.

Or you caught them smoking a ciggie?
Or they had a child given up for adoption 20 years ago?
Or they were arrested for drunk driving when they were 17?


Would you cancel your marriage?

What would it need to be to call it quits at that stage?
For me actions speak louder than words.
If someone is wonderful, they are wonderful.



Also is it a lie if you omit to volunteer information?
i.e. Were never asked.

 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 28
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 2:47:27 PM

I'm not trying to be argumentative here but what would make you think that, should you ask that question, you would get a truthful or any answer at all? It's much easier to hide behind a lie than to buck up, square your shoulders and tell the truth even though it may take guts on your part and in turn be hurtful to another.


I was just thinking out loud Tinker. All we hear on here is people saying why they dumped someone, why they left an ex, why this guy they dated was not up to par....why we discarded them. But not once has a person said "this is probably why I got dumped" . We all take the high road and discuss it here when we dump someone but rarely do I see any postings, other than from the younger than 30, as to "why did he dump me?" or state the reason why we think we were dumped. And we've all been dumped, all of us.

Again, just thinking out loud. I'm sure the vast majority don't want to know the answer but sometimes looking in a mirror is a good thing. The old standby of "he/she is just not that into you" is a pretty pat answer.

Edit - good point Ozlady
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 29
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 3:03:28 PM
My last guy lied so much he made Pinocchio look like Mother Teresa so I decided to use him for sex.
All is right in my world again


Dealbreakers- It's only breakable when you want them to be




[And we've all been dumped, all of us.
Again, just thinking out loud. I'm sure the vast majority don't want to know the answer but sometimes looking in a mirror is a good thing. The old standby of "he/she is just not that into you" is a pretty pat answer.]
^^^^^
This
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 30
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 3:43:18 PM
Lemme start off here by say that I'm one of those horrible people that smokes. Yes, I should be shot at sunrise. I do at least counter with not bothering non-smokers whom wish to not be around one. This thread has changed to people lying about their profile. What about women that claim to be "curvy" and in real life, in my opinion, are plain old fat? A few extra pounds in my book, is 15- 20 pounds at best. Not 50-60 pounds. Right now, I'm carrying a few extra, because it's winter. But I can still pull on the pants I had on last summer. Yes, I'll let you gripe about my smoking. Just be prepared for me to do the same to you.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 31
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 5:09:15 PM
I've been given reasons for rejecting me. Mostly the stated reasons didn't make sense to me.

One broke it off because I didn't answer his overly personal text questions fast enough, sorry, I was on my way to a veterinarian appointment, an appointment I had mentioned to him the evening before. Impatient and inappropriate much?

A couple quit talking to me because they reached the conclusion I'm not sexual enough for them, because I declined to do cybersex. Oh how they are wrong.

One guy in another state told me when we finally meet, it won't be a 1st meet cuz we corresponded so much first. Um, no, the 1st time I meet you is the 1st time. He quit writing.

Most recently, the guy (after more than a month) complained my hair was more grey than my photo shows, said I was intentionally using this photo to gain more attention. But I rarely get any messages anyway. I checked my hair yesterday after washing it, yup, still more sandy blonde than grey, about 80%.

In 2013 a guy complained I should have told him I enjoyed giving him a bj. Yes, tis true. I initially told him it wasn't my favorite activity, but as I got to know him and fell or him, I didn't mind so much. Well, until he complained. Shortly after that, he broke up with me.

So getting reasons isn't necessarily going to help much.

Several I just concluded he just wasn't that into me, ok then. Others I don't care to know their thought process.



So we discard and we get discarded. The thing is, we rarely, if ever, ask the person that discarded us - WHY? Something to think about when we get all "I'm wonderful, he/she is not". Did anyone ever tell you why they didn't ask you out again?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 32
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 6:12:45 PM

If he had been truthful and put he was a smoker and aged 61 on his profile, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.

Bingo. Not a horrible reason for him to do that, then...

He explained that he lied about his age to keep him in the under 60 age group for searches and that he only smokes occasionally.

I can understand that. He's taking a risk mucking things up some, but, he is going to get more luck doing that.

My question is at what point (time frame) is a lie made on a profile null and void because of time spent together?

Depends what the lie On The Profile's about, really. Also, if you're developing some feelings for someone, and they tell you after a while that they're not 61, but are 59 -- and you Gasp that you never would have gone out with him if he DID say 61 -- then you're kind of proving his point that it's not such a bad idea. :) I mean, that's really stretching it there, as far as a mere 2 years. It's lying to a computer system (which, yes, bounces everyone's way as a viewer). But 2 years? Who cares? Oh wait, someone Actually should a bit... the person who's going to get filtered Out by a mere 2 years. Now, the real question becomes: How long is it before it's Too many years of a false age on a system to totally run from them?

The smoking part, I can understand being a bigger deal. However, to be fair, the selection-options are small. I think if you had in your profile a filter that said only non-smoking as the option to write you -- then I would say he Should have told you that once in a while he'll have a cigarette, upon like your 2nd date or something. But if you didn't notice that on him until nearly a month of going out with him? It's probably Not very often at all.

IMO, the age thing shouldn't matter, although once you two started meshing really well, he should have let you know and why (not being filtered out, generally speaking and it being a mere 24 month diff). The smoking part -- really look at that.... and say, "Hey, would you go on Chantix, and not smoke at all -- to prove a point and to make a point, to ensure trust and to keep seeing each other?" If he says Yes, and that he understands you have some eyebrows raised -- then sure, roll with it.
 TrustInKarma
Joined: 12/26/2014
Msg: 33
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/26/2015 9:49:48 PM
I've had the bait and switch regarding smoking happen to me a few times. I would go out with someone, ended up really liking them, and then, after a few weeks, they broke down and had to go outside to smoke (after sex, haha). At that point, I didn't breakup with them anymore, but I did give them a bit of a hard time about it. They had to rinse their mouth and chew gum after each cigarette or I wouldn't get near them.
 Like2dance
Joined: 4/13/2013
Msg: 34
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 8:22:15 AM
Well, the good news is the guy lied about his age by only two years. The OP's post got me to recollecting meeting women from internet dating sites back in the bad old days. Most of the women I met had lied about their ages by at least three years; one by 12 years!

Lying about smoking is probably mostly a man thing.

Lying about weight seems primarily a woman thing and appears to be quite common.
 healthyhappy1
Joined: 11/21/2014
Msg: 35
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 2:53:11 PM
As another poster put it, I juts consider the written profile as a very loose framework for who that person dynamically is, in real life. Nothing counts until you meet and interact in person. Having said that, smoking is kind of a tough lie, because it can be a true deal-breaker for many. Its a conditional deal breaker for me - I can date a smoker who smokes outside. But many cant be around cigarette smoke at all. I think this one belongs in the category of "foolish lie," because there is the opportunity to choose "occasional smoker," which would cause someone like me to relax, but also allow those who cannot be around any smoke at all, not waste their time.

As a side note, I know someone who lies about smoking status, age, height and education. I was perplexed why, so I asked him, and his response was that he "puts what he wants for reasons of his own." Which of course I could not argue with, as it is his life not my own. But what happens when a woman meets him and learns that he has lied about not one, but four things, right up front?

He did also add to his explanation that he put "non-smoker," because he "wanted to be a non-smoker." I believe this is an example of why OLD is so flawed. Its all fantasy until you meet in real life. As with this example, there are people not only projecting a fantasy to others, but are also enjoying the personal fantasy of themselves, too.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 36
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 4:20:06 PM
I get a chuckle out of those who mention 'trying to quit' or recently quit....unless they are 16 years old.

What part of their brain was missing at 18 when an adult and they Should have been making adult choices in life?

Duh..smoking is stupid...duh. I knew that at 6 years old.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 37
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 4:36:58 PM
Here's the way I see this particular scenario.

There's lots of different and sometimes subtly distinctive reasons why people will say less than truthful things. The exact details of why are critical.

In this case, the guy lied for what I think is the absolute worst reason: so he could get something he wanted, that he wasn't supposed to have: a series of dates with someone who he KNEW did not want to be around someone with his habits.

I have suffered more emotional pain and damage from selfish people who believed in lying to get what they want, than from anyone else, including the bullies I was victimized by as a small child. I now consider that reason for lying to be by far the most vile, and the most dangerous.

Most important: it doesn't matter how much of a lie they tell, nor does it matter how small a lie it might seem to be. The fact that they believe it's okay to lie to me, means that when push comes to shove in the future, they will do so again.

And as for the question


at what point (time frame) is a lie made on a profile null and void because of time spent together?


that answer is "never."
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 38
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 5:05:32 PM
musttravel22- If it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker.
People lie IRL, people can maintain a lie for years, trust me on that one.
Such is the dating world.
For the record, I think people who lie on a profile and /or just to get a date are either stupid, selfish or both.
People should tell the truth, you are only asking for pain and angst on both peoples parts of you don't, but not every one does.
Here's a question...........
What if you smoke and are upfront about it, the person says it ok and then hounds you to quit after you get together? (had it happen, just curious). I don't think that's kosher either, just saying.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 39
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/27/2015 5:22:37 PM
purplerider1200, I do not think you are a horrible person. But I do think it's a horrible addiction. My mother smoked for 50 years and died of cancer. I NEVER smoked, and I am allergic to smoke all kinds. So I do not want to date a smoker, not because the smokers are bad people, but because it's emotionally painful and my eyes water excessively.


Lemme start off here by say that I'm one of those horrible people that smokes. Yes, I should be shot at sunrise. I do at least counter with not bothering non-smokers whom wish to not be around one. This thread has changed to people lying about their profile. What about women that claim to be "curvy" and in real life, in my opinion, are plain old fat? A few extra pounds in my book, is 15- 20 pounds at best. Not 50-60 pounds. Right now, I'm carrying a few extra, because it's winter. But I can still pull on the pants I had on last summer. Yes, I'll let you gripe about my smoking. Just be prepared for me to do the same to you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 40
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 5:57:16 AM
Well, here's the thing. If you really liked the guy you wouldn't give a crap. If he doesn't smoke in his house or car he could probably quit without it making him insane. A lot of ex-smokers occasionally have a cigarette like I discovered at 18 when I walked into the kitchen an my mom was chugging away, I had no memory of her smoking when I was a very young child.

Same thing with the age filter, two years doesn't make that much of a difference and if you really liked the guy you could easily rationalize that away because it isn't imo as big a deal as like 5 years in terms of why you wouldn't want to date someone of that age. At our age we are looking at potential health issues and quality of life so 5 years...

If you've been on 10 dates, the occasional cigarette has some validity because I'm sorry, when I quit smoking even with my allergies and health issues, I have the nose of a pooch and can actually smell smoke in my car with my windows rolled up from someone in the car next to me and I can smell a smoker five miles away. If you've "enjoyed" his company on 10 dates I'm pretty sure you aren't gelling on some level or you've had some type of hinky feeling about the guy all along, because again, at this juncture what I would consider small white lies would be cause for a discussion but not ditching the guy.

With the cigarette thing, at what point was he supposed to say oh hey, I occasionally have a cigarette but if it would bother you that I ever smoke I don't have a problem with that. A lot of people fudge their age by a year or two around here because of the age filters. I've found it frustrating that I can't even PM someone from the forums because of their age filters because I don't think anyone is getting so much mail that they will freak out if someone of the wrong age contacts them, roll eyes. If he's been on here for a while he may be like myself and have totally forgotten about it because he never looks at his own profile.

Again, maybe you should consider whether this has more to do with you not feeling it or feeling like something's weird than these two heinous acts of dishonesty.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 41
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 8:24:35 AM

Well, here's the thing. If you really liked the guy you wouldn't give a crap


I might try to tell myself that, but in the end I would give a crap. It would bother me, I would
probably try to get over it, but in the end it would bother me and I can see it becoming an issue.

People tell themselves they can overlook a lot of stuff for love, but little things become big things
over time. I think that's why people are so particular the second or third time around. They remember
the things that ultimately pissed them off and they're pretty sure they won't put up with it again.

Smoking is one thing I just can't see myself getting over. I don't like anything about it. I can smell
it on people, I can smell it on me when I've been with smokers, I can tell as soon as I walk into a
house whether or not someone smokes.

So yeah, instant deal breaker should someone lie about smoking.
Other stuff...I dunno...lying seems such the norm now and so acceptable.
I guess it would depend on how desperate I was for company. So far, I haven't found myself to
be desperate at all.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 42
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 8:57:00 AM

To me the deal breaker would be "strictly no lies". I don´t care if it is the smoking, the height, the penis size or the shoe size. Liars are liars. No thanks :-(
....Just wondering, do you have a questionnaire that you email out are is this a face to face interview. Is the penis question the first question or the last?
 activemelaney
Joined: 9/8/2012
Msg: 43
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 9:12:33 AM
Smoking is an absolute deal breaker for me. Anyone who smoked beyond their early years is a deal breaker.

Note..two thirds of lung cancer patients are FORMER smokers. The risk does not diminish when you quit...it just doesn't keep increasing. Our patients are rarely aware of this. Other risk factors may decrease but not lung cancer. Smoking is so hard on the body. It impacts circulation. The difference between sore knees, how well you recover from a tooth extraction, intensity of headaches, liver function, etc. is tied to efficiency. A person with a medical issue compounds the issue through smoking, being overweight, etc. An pulled muscle or injury can be a temporary inconvenience for a fit active adult but a lingering chronic condition for an unfit adult with poor circulation. The smoker often has a downward spiralling health.

That occasional cigarette just keeps piling on the health risks. Cancer, COPD, etc. I'd be scared %&@&$ if I was an smoker or ex smoker every time I got a cough.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 44
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 9:38:18 AM

Yes, I should be shot at sunrise


Would you like a last cigarette before the blindfold is applied?


If he had been truthful and put he was a smoker and aged 61 on his profile, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.


And that's what he figured, so that's why he did what he did.
Isn't it amazing how doing the "wrong" thing still works out for some people. (4 weeks of dating versus no weeks of dating if doing the "right" thing)


My question is at what point (time frame) is a lie made on a profile null and void because of time spent together?


You mean like a statute of limitations?


But I can still pull on the pants I had on last summer.


I can still pull on the pants I had on 23 summers ago.

But I digress.

Carry on.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 45
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 10:12:47 AM
If the OP had met this guy at a party at someone's house or at an event and struck up a conversation and enjoyed each other's company and one thing leads to another and he asks her out on a date. Do you say "before I say yes to a date, how old are you?" I doubt it. Yes, some folks like me lie about their age, some don't. But 2 years, he was okay at 59 but not at 61??? Really? Again, and I've said this a million times, in real life I've never asked someone's age nor been asked. In online dating it all has to be "just the facts Jack" or nothing. I get the smoking thing, I do. The age thing, not so much.

I've seen profiles saying "average" when they are far, far from average. Height, we've all met those that add an inch or two to their profile. I've met a few "easy going" azzholes, so they lied about that too. Blonde hair....yup, from a bottle. Nice breasts, yup, fake. Nice teeth, yup, false. Had botox, fillers? Push up bra? Nice hair, yup, bad toupee. Loves travel, never been out of their province/state. Well read, yup, the newspaper. The list goes on.

Other than the smoking thing, I'd give the guy a chance based on the age thing - if I liked him.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 46
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 10:29:36 AM
Back when I was active on POF, I was contacted by quite a few guys whose profiles claimed they were non-smokers, only to find out they'd lied.

Since I'm an evil, soul-sucking smoker, I always made sure to be honest and point that out to guys who would contact me - especially those who appeared to be rabidly anti-smoking on their profiles. About 98% of the time, they'd reply back with, "I actually DO smoke. I just put 'non smoker' in my profile because I get better responses."

I was also contacted by a lot of guys who had lied about their age in their profiles - some by up to 15 years or more. One guy was deluded enough to think he looked 47 when he was actually 61. I don't know who'd been lying to him all those years, but he definitely looked his age - and then some. LOL.
 msgrt
Joined: 9/29/2012
Msg: 47
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smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 11:14:22 AM
I think I would be more concerned with the lies than the smoking...
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 48
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 11:54:26 AM
My late father had a complete Laryngectomy at Sloan Kettering in NYC years ago after having cancer of the voice box.

He did survive for at least 8 years after that but w/ a greatly diminished quality of life.

If you are a smoker, I'd say lying should not be your primary concern :0(
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 49
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 12:12:32 PM

I learned so much from this posting, mainly that my mail settings were a mess and that might explain why some men my age were not reaching out to me first. If you know where and how to choose the DOES NOT SMOKE on the "current mail" settings please let me know. Thanks


Lying is a deal breaker for a lot of people.

Yet what I have found out is that everyone says white lies. ALL of us. There's a great percentage of women that lie about their age, about their weight or they do the little lie of living very old photos online. Or hiding behind the doggy, or the blurry photos. I would say about 60 percent of women have done some of the above. Yet men put up with it.

A lady that I know that is very hot looking once told me that lying and cheating were deal breakers for her. Totally unacceptable. Yet in her profile she was 4 years younger. Not 2 but four. Then later on talking to her I found out that when she was much younger she cheated on several of her SO at that time. But it was okay for her, because there was always a But...
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 50
smoker who lied on profile
Posted: 1/28/2015 1:45:20 PM

But I admit to lying on my profile. Ooops!
I´m not a Secretary. I´m a Lawyer.


Shame on you! How could you do such thing.

That's it, you shall receive 30 lashes... with a peacock feather.
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