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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?      Home login  
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 2mindful
Joined: 10/29/2014
Msg: 51
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like? Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I have a long scenario I require help with. You sound intelligent & experienced with the type of dynamic. I really need some guidance/feedback; as 'in control' as I try to be I'm really struggling with this. I liked him. I knew what it was & what it isn't. I took my direction from his words & everything was always mutual. I'm not discourteous or not understanding. He prioritized alot of his time for me. Fluid, open communication (we talked about everything & anything at first). There was alot of compassionate care on my end. He assured I was free to text (he works alot) whenever I wanted & would muse (chuckle) not to 'blow up his phone'. Benign exchanges (shares) about regular stuff. Such as appointments...I'd ask how work is, his business partner...if he ate good that day. I'm nurturing, so there was always the 'caretaking' of spirit. He was always delighted/elated with me-liked the 'ego strokes' with all our playfulness & flirtatiousness. He was flattered to be 'wanted' (desired) so much. Likewise...everything so excellent & comfortable & then it came to a screeching halt! I was so shaken & devastated at the abrupt termination (there's disparity; it's unclear) despite knowing he likely needed some time & space. I tried to 'gauge' him by asking about this in all honesty. We could slow it down. WE both mused (chuckled) about the wanting of each other & he didn't always have time to be with me as much as he wanted. I was flattered & delighted in being wanted. This seems good & healthy...it's life; checks & balances. But it came to a screeching, abrupt halt. He threw things into a whirlwind citing frustration, that he was 'reacting' [a text message calling a stop to everything. Being 'done'. Signing off]. I believe I approached things realistically & in a healthy way by asking him if we could please talk about it. That would translate I didn't want to be 'done'. I'd not seen this side of him (only once, slightly). He was very frustrated & the rest is my analysis (thoughts & feelings) about what came out of that phone conversation which he so clearly did not want to have but had consented to; I know the power dynamic & reclaiming stability...making it about 'choice'. To give that person some security (if feeling overwhelmed or out of control) by respecting their ability to choose. He said ok to the phone call, he had to have understood that it was going to be a negotiation (to some degree). I did not fuss or rise to anger. I would suggest there was no 'pleading' to the extent of being clingy/needy, other than the normative indication of not wanting it to end this way, I still like him...I want to keep the arrangement. It's not in the way of his 'goals'. He is trying to reclaim his space & focus on self-improvement. I queried some of the things he's consistently said to me & it's only 'fair' disclosure that I was insulted at being 'ditched' in a text. It's as if he was denying 'dumping' me. I'm like you said it's done, you told me goodbye & best wishes. What else is there then? It was my implication of 'respect'. That didn't feel appropriate...it's not right & to please value me enough to deal with me as a human being. Alot of what he continued to say was all in frustration & then he created that it's BS & drama he doesn't need. He complained about his time being 'eaten up'. WOW. I kept saying 'WOW'. Again, reinforcing that if he needs some autonomy, things got too close..say so. I just want to be 'ok'...& to be clear on what is happening. He's calling an end...but then it seems like a part of him is just reacting & we don't always do what we mean in a reaction. He says he does what he means & means what he says. I'd just seen him 36 hrs prior & recalling what transpired then, for him to turn tables like this. Again the implication that he was disturbed by something I said & it had played on his mind causing frustration & exasperation when he was looking forward to an event on Saturday.

I'm in such a state of confusion. I'd only visited him once after he moved to the city. I had open invitation to come & go as much as I wanted. First time I stayed there were 'life' issues. He was sick, I hurt my back & was in pain. But afterward...instinct kept telling me maybe too much of a good thing, no matter how he kept assuring or insisting he wants...I began wondering if he was placating me cause of his constant insistence on not wanting to cause upset or any hurt feelings. But that was applied to the overall dynamic of our arrangement. So I had visited 2 wks later [can only get up there with friends who go to the city on a 2 wk rotation]. And I was extending myself to take any pressure off him having to commute to see me as he'd established a preference to not wanting to drive distances to facilitate a relationship (he has his own set of idiosyncrasies despite complaint I am not a candidate for a life partner because he is unsure he could live with mine on a daily basis). Everything about 'us' was like trying it on...role playing, to see if I was a suitable fit for a life partner. He seemed indecisive even after so much time spent together, insistent he'd never settle again & almost seemed to suggest he'd play the field indefinitely until the found that one. I contrasted that there has to come a point in life where you need to resign to remaining with 1 person...we're nearly middle aged & he can't realistically spend the next 20 yrs in transient relationships as his current words seemed to indicate which was in contrast to the objective/goal he'd emphatically stated to me. He has flaws but one things he seems solid, is that he's self-assured in knowing what he wants. I indicated in this phone call, something of a negotiation, is that he wants me or confirm it's past tense (wanted). We'd always been definite on that we could 'stay in it' indefinitely...it is that good. But now this about face & idk what I can do to resolve. I don't like being 'tossed off' like this. I like what we have, the friendship. He wasn't confirming there is anything meaningful to him. I was so heartbroken. I confirmed it's not my intent to be his mate [he'd brought this up that I'm not his mate] & he brought me into it...I agreed. This went back & forth....it seems like insecurities on his part. He's unsure what he wants now. But he's frustrated & he wants his time for other things. I didn't want to treat him like a tool but left it open that I'm here & I would really like to see him again. He'd been freaking out & wanted 'out' of the phone call-to go. I said ok & was now thrown off focus etc. & trying to keep things channeled, I asked him to dial it back & he didn't need to be upset with me. Again, the frustration...he's just frustrated. But he threw down an ultimatum of NO CONTACT for 2 wks or else I'd never hear from or see him again. We trusted each other wholly & completely & we had such openness. But now it's not so open & I resent that I mistrust ANYTHING he's said as having merit & it was all just convenient for him because he feels uncomfortable knowing I still want him & he wants out to pursue other ventures. idk if I'm lying to myself with the rationale that we say hurtful or conflicting things when frustrated & don't really mean it, it's a mask for the truth. We'd always had 'truth' with each other. I also recall that he said he'd discontinue when it was no longer 'true' anymore. Not sure the meaning in that. But his NO CONTACT he also tossed in 'maybe I'll text you in the week & check in, see how you are'. I'm stupidly scared I'll never see him again...it's been 12 days & not a whisper. There's nothing. He's reactivated his POF profile (he'd temporarily hidden it to make changes. I know he'd continued to be actively searching, when he had time, with POF. Our arrangement not an obstruction). Anyhow...in my infinite wisdom to keep things modulated; not cause dissension. I was so stunned after we hung up, but waited with uncertainty a few minutes...almost not realizing what I was doing (in shock)...but texted him best wishes on his coffee date for Saturday [figuring it to reinforce that I'm not angry & he won't get any resistance from me. Assurance of mutual respect]. I worry (as it's commonly done) that this could be distorted in his irrational mind (you're not thinking rationally when provoked or frustrated-reacting; as these all signify an EMOTIONAL response. That's interesting to me too...because we're supposed to be devoid of feelings for each other & though I formed feelings or attachment based on the basic precipice of 'friends' as would be expected & shouldn't be a 'deal breaker'. Then what does it say about 'unreciprocated' sentiments. I've asked him if he cares about me as I'd had a cpl points where there was reason to believe that he did & was resentful at himself because not supposed to. He would suggest he cares about me as a friend like he does all his friends. He even assured this Wednesday eve prior to his eruption. Bottom line, I'm scared that this 'break' (no contact) is code for irreconcilable. It's finished & there will be no contact from him past the timeline he set. Or my positive text after he threw down the boundary, would inevitably be distorted in his mind as being a violation no matter that it was benign & a piece of encouragement such as a 'friend' whom you've shared a great level of intimacy would do. My daughter is like that with the no contact but no guidelines & she'd still flip out when 3, 4 or 6 wks later I would benignly text 'hi, how are you'. Idk what to do with T...his "NO CONTACT" & unlike how I've come to know him [he was mildly exasperated with other stuff once before, didn't respond to me like he customarily does; he was like clockwork...within a few hours, next day at best. But 1 time it was 2 days before he replied & he told me he'd been overwhelmed with work. I always said 'no pressure' & meant it). Anyways...he's not acted according to 'form'. He's not texted me or breached the silence to check in as he said he might. I am aware it was a 'maybe', so there's no certainty or assurety there. But as with the extent of this, everything is up in the air & I'm nervous it's going to fall down around me & we will not resume as he also threw in that 'if I decide to get back together' or 'if we resume'. So that's not a 'break' that's a 'break-up'. I hate to sound so foolish...but he wanted this so much. Was so agreeable, now it sounds like he doesn't want it anymore. I'm surprised because of the relationship coaching literature I've read...a super article called the 'rubber band' effect. It's biological [I know, I've been married & in a common-law relationship & I'm educated enough, I have seen this formation many times. It's common & not irresolvable to a pairing)...where a man will naturally pull back or very abruptly withdraw & try to reclaim some autonomy when a connection has reached it's heightened point of intimacy; & not to be frightened or shocked, even if they disappear for a little while, that it's permanent. The article dictates that they will be BACK stronger than ever. I still wonder if it's false hope....something which is said to make the other feel better & ease your guilt. Just like the final phone call in which T threw down a gauntlet by using a 'break' & if he intends to resume anything at all or it was a cop out for not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore & he wants to fully recover his 'uninterrupted' time. Delegate it elsewhere.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 52
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 11:41:55 AM

I have a long scenario I require help with.


My. Eyes. Hurt.

Hey OP, can you condense this post?
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 53
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 12:12:59 PM

I have a long scenario I require help with.


That post has 2113 words and 11,487 characters.
Ain't nobody got time to read all that.

I'll wait for the movie.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 54
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 12:30:11 PM

My. Eyes. Hurt.


Too late for me to edit... not "OP", but poster.

Yes, also waiting for the movie, but I don't think I would understand the plot line.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 55
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 12:40:48 PM
That guy from Norway will no doubt not only read it but will prolly have to clean his monitor after he first sees it
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 56
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 12:44:46 PM
^^^
Will Norway guy type more than " 2113 words and 11,487 characters"?

In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.

Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 57
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 1:02:05 PM
^^^^

If he dissects and analyzes each and every sentence as per usual this has the potential to be the longest post EVER

 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 58
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 1:18:49 PM
^^^
I better get the wine bottle out before reading "the longest post EVER"! Was wondering what I wanted to do for recreation tonight. It's a rainy, gloomy day and even my dog is bored.

In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.

Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 59
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/15/2016 2:40:27 PM
^^^^


I sure hope you find something better to do than THAT !


Have you considered watching your grass grow ?

 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 60
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Is the grass greener on long posts?
Posted: 11/15/2016 2:51:37 PM
^^^
We are in a drought in New England, USA.

My grass is brown, but the leaves are prolific.

So, if there is nothing more interesting to read or watch on the telly I will wait for the saga... from Norway guy. I lead an interesting life.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 61
Would you read all that
Posted: 11/15/2016 2:54:59 PM
Things seemed to be great. They texted a lot. Then he said stop texting, it takes up too much time. He hasn't responded since. She's sad the breakup by text is permanent.

If that's what her texts look like, I guess its a real mystery why they are an occupant of his time. I think she should take what she has told us, and email it to him so he knows just how she feels. That should lead to clarity, as he's bound to understand how she feels and respond.

I definitely watched my ass grow while reading all that. my eyes even burped when done.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 62
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 11/18/2016 12:18:19 PM

I've heard this scenario time and time again. Person A has more intense feelings towards Person B so Person B stops talking to Person A because it becomes "awkward", or has the potential to.

That comes in different forms, but yeah. One form is that Person A is not coming on too strong too soon, but yeah, does have strong feelings while the other person only has mild feelings for them. Another form is that Person A is Objectively coming on too strong, too soon. Both make it awkward. I'll call Person A a gal, and Person B a guy, even though it can be the other way around IRL.

The first one is understandable and where guilt can come in for Person B. If it's not too strong, too soon -- they obviously have gotten to know each other for some time, and it built up. He likes her, but just wants to casually date her, but seeing he's not on the same wavelength at this point, makes his like for her remain so-so at best. Many times he'll have to break things off. This is where he shouldn't just disappear. At the same time, his feelings did dwindle gradually in this process.

The second one is Person A being too strong, too soon. Many times she doesn't realize it. I know one gal like this, and she thinks this is "how women are". I asked her how many women she's dated. :) It's not how they are -- they come in many different varieties, but yeah, more women can be this way than men -- but it's still out in left field, and that's what she needs to realize. She thinks she's throwing out the guys who just want to pork around, and she believes she Deserves consistent attention & compliments and affection, even off the bat, with a guy who's deserving of her time. Very self-oriented. She doesn't realize she's Also throwing out guys who didn't just want to pork around -- but her Objectively coming on too strong too soon in intensity is going to turn him off, where, if they already had a date or two where she throws this Piggy-on-Kermit sort of thing at him -- yeah, he will just want to pork around a little bit but leave after. She doesn't realize she's asking for More of what she doesn't like (guys who just wanna pork), and doesn't realize that if her emotional & logical frame of mind were set correctly -- she would be able to have those keepers.

I have a long scenario I require help with.

Basically, for the sake of our audience -- I'll keep this one short n sweet. ;) When you mutually kick things off talking about everything under the sun and hitting it off via phone & text... you shouldn't think it's always going to be like that. In a nutshell, he liked you, but you were too much. And yeah, he had his issues -- but at the end of the day, he wasn't that into you. When we're not that into the gal, but like her, but she really likes us -- even a normal level of attention is going to seem at least a Little too much. You kept chasing this guy because you hit it off well chatting so much, etc. You put too much stock in it, because your emotions said you should. Also know that when things die down a bit, the person not-so-interested will be up for talking & hanging out again. You may get confused. Basically, he doesn't want to always feel Obligated, directly or indirectly, to talk with you so much. We can read off people's emotions, and yes, even texts, of how much Like they're throwing at us, even when they're not trying to. He could be overly sensitive about it... wasn't there. But after a while, you kept chasing him -- so at that point, that was your issue there. You kept trying to win him over, barking up the wrong tree. :)
 allcountryinky
Joined: 7/3/2017
Msg: 63
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/24/2018 8:45:12 AM
Yes we were just never on the same page and turned into bigger problems
 Scareyboatrace
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 64
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/24/2018 9:26:47 AM
You shouldn't worry too much about it all. Men do this all the time, it's a phase they go through, here we shrug off such behaviour with the expression "when the papaya is in the papoose...".

He'll be back texting you next week, tremendously sorry and begging forgiveness.
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 65
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/24/2018 2:36:54 PM
I have done this. I stopped talking to a woman because I finally realized my feelings were one sided and it was extremely unhealthy FOR ME to continue pursuit. It has been a year and a half now since I stopped talking to her, but I still think about her almost everyday. These type of things suck so much.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 66
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/24/2018 3:10:01 PM
^ Aw, I'm sorry that happened. Sometimes, cutting someone off must be done out of self-love.
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 67
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/24/2018 10:28:21 PM
The whole false sense of hope thing is just stupid stupid and stupid and another reason I am afraid of women. If I where to be friends with some one and where to try to make a move on them or something and they where not interested in me I would rather stay friends then have them complete cut me out of there life. I can always use friends and having them cut me out is just going to make me fell worse about my already low confidence and is just going to make me even more desperate for not only a GF but for friends in general. People talk about the friend zone I don't think there is really such thing you either find some one attractive or you don't. If I have a girl in my life and we are just friends it just means I don't find her attractive but like her has a person. There is no such thing has false hope. If I like a girl and she don't fell the same way its her job to let me know if for what ever reason her felling's change and this is not a movie so most likely her felling's are not going to change.. If a girl likes me and I don't fell the same way its my job to let her know if my fellings where to change.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 68
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/25/2018 8:29:14 AM
just for the helluva it...here's an hour or so video on making your life, productive

https://offer.ebenpagantraining.com/wake-up-productive-2018-newyear/?inf_contact_key=acf17d35aef0b0cea8c594ca20592291a89b481ff3c4958df46c75dc4ff9c9bb

its aimed at business, but honestly, it can refer to anything, like seeking out productive relationships and putting aside those with low rate of return. I liked the quote from Wyatt Woodsmall, "its what you are doing, when you are not doing what you are supposed to be doing, that (distraction) is the problem". it may strike some as cold, to cast people aside just b/c they don't fit you. But, there is an 80/20 rule you hear in a lot of fields...80% of gains are made by 20% of the investment (PUAs will claim, 20% of men get 80% of the available women, for example).

just something to chew on, for those who like to expand their minds a little :)
 whosmeow
Joined: 10/19/2017
Msg: 69
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/25/2018 1:02:58 PM
Everyone needs time to recharge/turn off the world, and the will power to make that a habit. Before we can be in a good relationship with someone, we first need healthy relationship habits. Good little link there darlin'- nice reminder.
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 70
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/25/2018 6:25:18 PM
I will add it to my weekend viewing Mustang. Interesting... how many of us are no longer in a place emotionally to invest anything, let alone 20 percent. Would be interesting to see how the investment axis changes over time (with age).
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 71
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/26/2018 10:47:59 AM

I stopped talking to a woman because I finally realized my feelings were one sided and it was extremely unhealthy FOR ME to continue pursuit. It has been a year and a half now since I stopped talking to her, but I still think about her almost everyday.

I think it's non-stalkerish & natural to stop chasing when they're not that into you. :) Even if you could squeeze a date in if you tried hard enough. Stalking in the loose general sense doesn't require creepiness. Just continuing to chase someone when they're not into you. But I have to say -- why do you think about her every day? Was it a mere crush, or did you date her for a hot second, but then she became busy, etc? Either way, I can understand certain gals striking a chord, but, shoot -- if you were chasing in the beginning, fizzling out should be no surprise.

Helpful Reminder: Gals you aren't attracted to and could "do better" than -- will be not-that-interested in you, if you were. And vice versa. So a gal walking doesn't increase her value as a potential "catch", even though your emotions reactively feels as if it does.

If I where to be friends with some one and where to try to make a move on them or something and they where not interested in me I would rather stay friends then have them complete cut me out of there life.

Sometimes the attraction's too strong -- but I agree, not to completely cut someone out of their life... BUT to make them mere acquaintances, which shouldn't require any effort on your part -- just a Lack of effort in "chasing" to be around them.

IMO, if you find yourself emotionally chasing them as the reason you're hanging around them a lot -- and they aren't into you, ya have a problem. :) Don't be "that guy friend". :)
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 72
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/26/2018 11:34:32 AM


People talk about the friend zone I don't think there is really such thing you either find some one attractive or you don't.


Huh? If you don't find a woman attractive, she won't make it beyond "friend" status, which means she will be in the "friend zone".


If I where to be friends with some one and where to try to make a move on them or something and they where not interested in me I would rather stay friends then have them complete cut me out of there life.


I'm not suggesting you hate the woman, but what do you mean by "stay friends"? If you mean be hang out buddies and essentially become her "gal-pal with a penis", no, don't do it. It's a waste of time and takes your focus away from finding a woman that actually does want you.

Furthermore, you will very likely become more attached to her the more you hang around her whether you want to or not. Meanwhile, she is still thinking of you as a friend. She will eventually find a guy, too. Do you really want to stick around for that?
 HanoverFella
Joined: 1/16/2018
Msg: 73
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/26/2018 12:16:39 PM
Hell with the friends after thing, why anyone would want to stick around and hear about their new love life, see their couple pictures on Facebook and their nauseating posts to go along with them ...ick! No contact is the best course of action IME
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 74
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Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/26/2018 4:15:04 PM
Remaining friends when your feelings are so strong....
Is pure torture.
I rather walk away.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/16/2017
Msg: 75
Would you end contact with someone due to unrequited like?
Posted: 1/26/2018 5:11:28 PM

(Cynderella) Remaining friends when your feelings are so strong....
Is pure torture.
I rather walk away.


I agree.

This sort of discussion always veers into "no contact with the ex ever-ever-EVER!" versus "stay besties at all costs!". There is, apparently, no middle ground for reasonable people to dwell; nor is there any concession to common-sense.

There's a very distinct difference between being friendly, and being friends. I am friendly with all of my exes, and friends with none of them.
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