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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship      Home login  
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 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 51
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationshipPage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Yes, it is quite an education. In addition to learning about others, I've learned quite a bit about myself. (I've also made a couple of friendsips from here, including with one forumite with whom I exchange regular phone calls. And I do so not to conspire against anybody, eheheh)

I had made some friendships in a controversial newsgroup in my old Usenet days. Unfortuntely, my two friends from there are now deceased, and it had taken quite a toll on my heart. I never thught I'd find friendship from a newsgroup/forums-related setting, again.
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 52
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 6:00:23 AM

any one who allows their s/o to be involved on a online dating site/forum for any reason has very low standards


Standards here ? ^^^^

For many, it's quite normal for them in the way they act out....it may seem abnormal to you, but for him or her it’s quite normal....

So, for only one example, if you hear some men in the fora, who is in a s/o relationship asking other women their sexual preferences etc..for them its quite normal.
Then, you have here when both chiming in here, as in the “ perfect couple,” as they mirror each other here in their posts.
As they come off as nothing more then elitist snobs, exhibitionists,etc. & wondering why the rest of you can’t be so satisfied as them. So normal is defined to many people in so many different ways....cheers
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 53
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 9:13:39 AM

I had been reading these forums for quite a while before meeting a gf. After 5 months of dating her, I mentioned this forum in conversation and she blew a gasket and dumped me. I never mentioned it to her before that because I wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't see any harm in what I was doing.


I think that indicates an insecure and bit of a foolish person.

However, I would probably delete my profile if my dating partner really wanted me to, but I would consider it a RED FLAG. Maybe they had a bad experience with cheaters, so I would likely go along with it. BUT it would alert me to other controlling types of behavior and I wouldn't tolerate anything that struct me as a more general personality defect.

I am not going to be justifying why I am late returning from a friends house, or why I get a strange wrong phone call from a woman, etc, etc. Not in a LTR, it would be to much of a burden to have to reassure someone constantly.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 54
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 9:23:27 AM

I think that indicates am insecure and a little foolish person. I would probably delete my profile if my dating partner really wanted me to, but I would consider it a RED FLAG. Maybe they had a bad experience with cheaters, so I would likely go along with it. BUT it would alert me to other controlling types of behavior and I wouldn't tolerate anything that strict me as a more general personality defect.

I am not going to be justifying why I am late returning from a friends house, or why I get a strange wrong phone call from a woman, etc, etc.


I totally agree.

My GF knows I come here. She was wary at first, but now she doesn't care. She doesn't want me to drastically change my life around for her, just because she doesn't understand the draw of something.

It's all about trust. If she can't trust me on the internet then she can't trust me at the grocery story, either.
 forums48380
Joined: 2/10/2013
Msg: 55
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 9:26:45 AM
Yes, she had a terrible experience with a cheater but a person with emotional intelligence would realize that I'm not that person. She would also gasp if we ran into a woman that I knew (but not necessarily dated). Yet, she thought it was just fine keeping in touch with her former lovers and asking me to spend time with them!!! Asymmetry in those kinds of expectations is a massive red flag.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 56
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 10:33:14 AM
Another point about cheating in an online format - it's all documented. Your messages, flirts, winks, forum posts, whatever - even if you purge your 'history' or delete your profile altogether - you're still stored in a disk cache somewhere than can be accessed fairly easily if needed. I realize there's a lot of dumb people who use Facebook and dating sites and other online correspondence to set up cheating, but seriously -- it's the dumbest way to do it.

It's best to look at Cheating as a REAL LIFE activity, not something that occurs online. No matter what goes down in these sites, the phrase, "Nothing is Real until you Meet" STILL holds merit, whether it be for cheating OR dating. You cannot control what sites people browse online any more than you can control what stories they select to read out of a newspaper, so be a mature adult about it. You can always ask WHY a person does what they do - but you will NEVER be able to control the answer. Eventually you just have to accept and trust a person for whatever faults they may have, or choose not to and move on.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 57
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 1:56:33 PM

Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship ... Remember: All of us have not been here for years.

The Forum section is not a Dating Site, that's why. :)
 the_summerwind
Joined: 9/11/2014
Msg: 58
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 3:58:33 PM
carol0308@
I like it here. Where else can butt in and give my opinion to perfect strangers? IRL most people don't like it when I interupt their conversations to tell them they are handling their lives wrong.


Good point.... Carol...You are one of the ‘good guys’ here.... short, direct & to the point, without the ‘’look at me’’ bs from those who lived the perfect life ...

As you know........ here, from hearing from the, ‘’perfect couple’’ who mirror each other here on their posts.... they remind me of there neighbors who lived next to the Griswold's.... & you know I’m talking about....
so lets hope he, her beta guy does not slip up.. as that would be merd .....cheers
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 59
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 4:12:30 PM
I had been dating a man from here for several months when I noticed he was still frequently logging on... He said it was entertainment but when every girl you add on your facebook has a POF page it throws up a red flag...


When I am dating I hid my profile... Only communicate with those from forums...
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 60
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 10:03:02 PM

The forum section is not a Dating Site. that's why :)


Now you are talking my talk, but you have to be a member of the Dating Site for a profile to be a member of the social forums.. If you score on the dating site a lot or zero, You are not obligated to answer some busybody questioning you, about your PERSONAL BUSINESS..


I know I am a boring person, I kept myself to myself, whether I don't have any ACTIONS ,or I am sleeping around and looking for a fling, or I have a relationship but I am still on the MARKET .........
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 61
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/2/2015 10:35:42 PM

Now you are talking my talk, but you have to be a member of the Dating Site for a profile to be a member of the social forums

Yes, but the question was about Here -- in the forums. Why are you still HERE -- in the forums, if you're in a Relationship? Yah, you can be here For the Forums, and have a Not Single / Not Looking (for all practical purposes) DeActivated profile on the Dating Site.

You are not obligated to answer some busybody questioning you, about your PERSONAL BUSINESS..

True, nor someone attractive hottie in your area questioning you about your favorite hobbies. Nobody's obliged to respond to messages.

Now, if you're referring to this thread and what the OP asked -- she's not implying that Everyone's obliged to post a response! :)

But if someone IS in a relationship And Active in the Dating Site, they do at least Deserve that question, even though they aren't by any rules obliged to respond.
 Following_Up
Joined: 12/4/2014
Msg: 62
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 7:29:46 AM
RE: Forum participation


I hope to be too busy or not interested if I ever find a match.


Well, for me -- I work in IT, in front of screen for long stretches and some days are very much 'hurry up and wait'. In that 'wait' time, I will admit I turn to the screen in front of me for a diversion. I used to be addicted to the site and forums televisionwithoutpity, but alas it is no more.

When I'm actively looking for someone to date, I don't tend to participate in these forums because my 'goof off' screen time is used looking at profiles, sending/answering messages. Also I will admit that at times, the cynicism of some of the folks in here can rub off on me and I've found I do better when I'm meeting new people if I have a positive attitude.

But when I am dating someone (as I am now) -- I'm no longer going to be looking at profiles or sending/answering messages in my 'hmmmm, how do I fill that 10-15 minutes till those folks I just ran a bunch reports for get back to me?' time. So, the PoF forums can be a diversion. It's interesting taking breaks (be they a couple days or a few weeks) from here and coming back to many of the same folks/conversations. I have learned things in here and I also find that I tend to appreciate my own situation/relationship more.

I stopped my participation for awhile earlier in the winter when I found myself sharing a bit too much AND checking the forums too often (which for me was every day without fail). I want to keep them as a diversion -- don't want them to become too much of a habit.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 63
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 7:52:32 AM
Same as most of the others here. I find the forums entertaining. My profile is hidden and I state on my profile I am not single/looking.
 Theophannia
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 64
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 10:42:56 AM
Not in all cases. Some of us are polyamorous and do not own are partners and are not owned by them. Why is it that when a parent has 2 children they don't love ONE child more than the other, they can love both children and it doesn't mean that they are "taking away love" from the second child or the first one, but then suddenly in a romantic relationship this is not the case? I don't understand this at all. It seems to me that the whole jealousy thing is actually more of an insecurity / looking for validation of the self and personal fullfillment to come from another person.

It's not a question of standards, its a question of emotional security and self completeness.
 Theophannia
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 65
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 10:49:16 AM
Sorry this was a response to the previous statement about it being a "low standard issue". It didn't quote correctly.

I would also like to state that my companions, or S/O's all KNOW about each other and know the relationship dynamic from day one.
So for us it's not an issue.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 66
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 10:50:39 AM

I don't understand this at all. It seems to me that the whole jealousy thing is actually more of an insecurity / looking for validation of the self and personal fullfillment to come from another person.

It's not a question of standards, its a question of emotional security and self completeness.


Good for you. You are a much better person that I am.

For one, you're young and experimental. It's good at your age.
I am not a jealous person, but I do not share. I personally find the idea of sharing my woman repulsive. Call it emotional insecurity, lack of completeness, immaturity, whatever you want.

Of it works for you, go for it. But if it doesn't well realize that even psychologist agree that very rarely does it work for a long term relationship.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 67
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 10:51:54 AM
I really don't understand the question.

Just because I'm in a relationship, my hobbies and tastes haven't changed. I still like to hike and walk, I still love to cook, I still love going to the opera, the theatre, and movies. I still spend time with my girlfriend. I still go to my meetings. I still follow a spiritual practice. I still like to read. I still read books. I still read the forums.

My husband still loves the things he loves, and he still does them.

Do people really give up their hobbies, interests and pastimes, just because they're in a relationship now?

When people say: How do you have time for the forums, now that you're in a RELATIONSHIP, they evoke images of Siamese twins, attached at the hip. I don't spend every waking minute in the company of my husband. That can't really come as a surprise to most people who ever have had a partner.
 Theophannia
Joined: 1/19/2014
Msg: 68
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 11:04:48 AM
I understand that it is not normal for our society.

It's not something that is widely understood either. I will say that me and my husband opened our relationship in January 20134, and have been married for 4 years almost now. Since January, we argue and fight maybe 1/10 of what we did in a closed monogamous relationship for 3 of those years.
 CuriousInDB
Joined: 7/12/2014
Msg: 69
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 11:24:14 AM
Let me count the reasons:

1. I like to write and show people the errors in their critical thought processes. :))

2. The personalities here.

3. Everything I've learned in forums and on the dating site.

4. I have a lot of friends I communicate with on the dating site.

5. The intellectual stimulation of a whole lot of people smarter than I am (and some who aren't). :))

6. Profile review. I like to help people.

7. Site issues.

8. I attend POF events from time to time.

10. Hoping more intelligent young people show in forums to explain things to me like Otis did this morning.

11. Still thinking ... Oh, yeah. I'd like to raise the bar here a little. Go ahead; bash me.

And why does it matter so much to people? It's an easy read of forums to find many people who have been here for a long time commenting on their reasons for it.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 70
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 4:05:00 PM

Posted by Eric_Summit:
"My reason for remaining here is primarily for entertainment."

That remains my reason.

Posted by OneKewlDood:
"Not a personal attack, but if your best form of entertainment is seeing the same 20 people (and the occasional n00b) talk about the same topics over and over, then you need to get out more."

The way one knows a personal attack is coming is when a person says, "Not a personal attack, but..."
My family, friends, all-state athletics, private college, NCAA national champion, technology career, global travel, black diamond skiing, running club, and 8000+ miles pedaled annually has my "getting out more" component covered.

Posted by CrookCatcher:
"I don' t believe he meant that this was his major form of entertainment, but rather his main reason for staying on this site."

You are correct, sir.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 71
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 7:34:15 PM

But when I am dating someone (as I am now) -- I'm no longer going to be looking at profiles or sending/answering messages in my 'hmmmm, how do I fill that 10-15 minutes till those folks I just ran a bunch reports for get back to me?'

But what you should do is mark yourself as "Not Single /Not Looking", if you're not on the market right now, since you're dating someone. Plus, you're not going to come up in searches, so no random dudes in your area are going to be emailing you. :)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 72
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/3/2015 9:16:46 PM
I have not single/not looking, since I'm not looking and really am just here for the forums, but that doesn't stop guys from contacting me. I answer those who have asked a question or agreed with something I said in the forums, etc., but the ones that are looking to meet or talk as in maybe dating, I don't pay any attention to them, unless someone is creepy or asshatie, those I block. It's so easy to no look for greener, or better, or need an ego boost, you might be surprised how one can be here and not be looking for attention from those looking for dates. I mean if you wanted to cheat, you can cheat here, at home, in your neighborhood, at work, shopping, bar hopping, someone who wants to find different or more or better will find it, they don't need a dating site but I'm sure they go that route too.
 mike11091
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 73
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/6/2015 11:26:51 PM

I think it's a bit off-key to mention your partner when so many people are on here for the precise reason that they don't have one. I haven't spent long enough in the global forums to know who's gloating and who isn't, BUT there was noticeable posting smugness by some partnered FM's in the UK forum and definitely on the profile reviews thread. Lots of "here's what I did that led to me meeting the man/woman of my dreams, etc etc"


I haven't seen much boasting in the globals. People generally just post relationship experience when it pertains to a particular topic. Like, "when my GF does this, I do this,"

There ARE some people who draw up fictional dates/spouses, but I don't really pay attention to that crap. It's too hard to keep track of.
 CTRLvector
Joined: 9/21/2014
Msg: 74
Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2015 1:02:00 AM
Because im a god damn pervert
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 75
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Curious: Why are you still here if you have a relationship
Posted: 2/7/2015 3:05:20 AM
The forums are a MUCH needed distraction for me from a job with a LOT of downtime that can be really boring and repetitive, at the moment.

My participation in the forums hinges more on THAT, I'm realizing than it does on whether or not I get into a relationship at this point...LOL
As for others that are on here who are IN relationships, well, why not? They are all saying that they don't have an active profile and they enjoy coming here, and there ARE actually many forums here with a WIDE variety of topics...In fact, my own introduction to the site was in the forums first, as in Off-Topic and Science&Philosophy, I didn't even KNOW that it was a dating site at first as a co-worker just sent me a link to a subject that he thought I would be interested in and it was only when I wanted to add my two cents, that I realized that I had to put up a profile in order to post....Seeing as I WAS single and interested in dating, although not a BIG priority, I did so, and have been off and on here for years now, depending on what else is going on in my Life.
As far as what you mentioned either here or elsewhere(?), not sure, about wording etc, and dealing with us regular posters....Well, just don't let it scare you off if you enjoy being here, I know it can seem rough at times to people who may not have the back story, but most people here are just good, regular, nice people who are here because they have lively minds and enjoy writing....
Does it get "cliquey" and annoying with all of the backslapping, fawning, and on-board flirting between people that really should just message each other, form their own "mutual admiration society"or better yet, get a ROOM without the rest of us being forced to either go away or end up feeling voyeuristic by just BEING there? Why YES, yes it DOES at times!!! LMAO
Are some of the regulars "harsh" in their criticisms which can appear to be personal attacks? All I can say is that you should see a thread that I started a while back where at least HALF of it was taken up with personal attacks on ME, rather than ANY discussion on the Topic....LOL But I just look at that as them trying to find a place to "fit me in" as I wasn't going anywhere, for the time being....
I personally like having new blood on here as it keeps it interesting and stops this place from spinning out of control, imo, so hang in there OP....We MAY bite at times, but it's usually just a little" nip" and no real harm intended or done...:-)
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