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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > the truth when being rejected.      Home login  
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 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 376
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the truth when being rejected.Page 16 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

The thing about silence, POF forums only exist in the first message. Not replying to the first message, yeah, everyone knows that odds are, you don't want to talk to them. But the 50th message? We're not mind readers.


I hope that 50 messages is to fifty different women and NOT all to one.:)

But if it is one in 50 that's a 2% return..NOT WORTH it!

Geez, this discussion is starting to sound like "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 377
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 5:15:57 PM
RT,

You have to respect yourself enough to only pay attention to favorable responses, not quantify the possibilities. She does not have to inform you that she is not interested, the fact that she has not replied and she appears to be online, says she's not interested. This is also why an upgrade is helpful because you can see if your message is read. I had an ongoing conversation with someone and as soon as it came down to planning, he would take a whole day to reply, when I knew he read the message minutes after I sent it. His hesitation lead me to believe that he was being vague because he was searching for a better offer (aka fish), and I was the one he would settle on if all else failed. I cut him off, and he said "that's it?", I said yes, that's it, it's Thursday now and we agreed to meet on Saturday, so I made other plans since you couldn't settle on anything. I'm not into last minute planning, I'm will accept solid plans from people who want to spend time with me.

He just seemed to talk the talk, and there are just too many people "about that life" on POF.

Happy hunting
 forumfellathesequel
Joined: 7/28/2014
Msg: 378
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 5:59:40 PM
Jeez just think of the typing time RT and Hawking could save if they just dated each other, one could throw on a wig...hell throw sigunng in there too, he could be the pizza delivery guy...cue the music. Chicka bow wow
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 2/17/2015
Msg: 379
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 6:14:15 PM
^ Haha! I am so turned on right now.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 380
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 7:01:42 PM
Just because you haven't received a reply yet doesn't mean you won't eventually get one. The Nigerian scammers are probably busy right now counting the money from their previous pity messages asking for money for either a dying relative or money for airfare to visit the instant "love of their life". When their funds start to run low, you will be the next love of their life (at a price). Or maybe the teenager who put up a fake profile will contact you with racy messages when she (or he) is done for the year at school and is bored.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 381
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/26/2015 10:13:00 PM

This got out of hand though, and a lot of assumption that I'm gonna stalk girls or be this creepy ass, all because of just believing that if you're going to say something, say something honest.

If a gal who doesn't know you gives you a canned no-interest reply, you can't blame her for thinking you're creepy if you reply asking why. If she doesn't respond, then it's even more creepy if you do the "but why? just be honest; tell me" 2nd message. Not saying you were necessarily implying that, though -- just an FYI I'm sure you understand.

one girl would always complain about some guy won't leave her alone, he keeps asking her out... Every time, one of us always immediately asks her if she told him no. And almost every time it was some stupid response like "I told him I'm really busy with work."

Yes -- I agree with you on that. I have zero sympathy for gals who "don't like confrontation" and instead give the I'm-busy line, but only to have the guy hit them up. To gals, I say -- if ya don't like how that Game works, don't use it. I agree -- they're lying there. Very different than someone ya don't know saying they're not interested or ignoring ya online of course.

I send you a text and ask if you want to do something, an hour goes by with no response, do I assume that's a no and make other plans, or are you just too busy to answer right now?

Okay, totally different subject -- this is someone you've already exchanged numbers with and established at least something small with. Totally different gear than hitting up a stranger on here or craigs list. OK.

If one is too busy -- they are lacking interest. But that's a "right now" lack of interest and doesn't answer the question for the near future, although if you get that consistently, yeah, they aren't in the near future either. Anyway... How long depends on the person. If you already got their # you could know them well enough based on past exchange, their past responding willingness, the time of day, how much interest she's expressed beforehand, etc. Totally different ballgame than a stranger you hit up on here or craigs list.

Most of the time it's EASY to figure out that they at least are lacking interest. But sometimes there's that gray area -- is there enough to get the fire started a bit, that could possibly catch? Or is it out? It's a matter of hours, not days. If you text a gal on Wednesday around 5:30pm to ask her out for Friday, and you don't hear from her... and it's 8PM, and she has a 9-5-ish type job? About a 95% chance she lacks interest if she responds to texts/msgs within about 45m-1hr during working hours. Better than 95% chance you could still squeeze something out at some point down the line.... But again -- many other factors on a case-by-case basis play a role, and they vary.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 382
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/27/2015 2:30:17 PM

I hope that 50 messages is to fifty different women and NOT all to one.:)


I actually meant 50 messages as a conversation between 2 people. Then being followed by vanishing.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 383
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/27/2015 2:40:18 PM

I actually meant 50 messages as a conversation between 2 people. Then being followed by vanishing.


Why so many messages? Why not ask someone out on the second or third message or thereabouts?

Or at least get a phone number?

Or do some women actually like message relationships?

I dunno.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 384
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/27/2015 3:25:40 PM

Why so many messages? Why not ask someone out on the second or third message or thereabouts?

Or at least get a phone number?

Yeah, exactly. If it's approaching 50 msgs -- and that's all there's been -- there should already be NO surprise that you wouldn't be getting anywhere beyond just msgs, at that point.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 385
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/27/2015 7:20:52 PM

Why so many messages? Why not ask someone out on the second or third message or thereabouts?

Or at least get a phone number?


Because that's the random number I typed.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 386
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/27/2015 9:08:02 PM

RT.....could be that some of them are smart enough to avoid their inbox like me.....when it's.....you know.....that time of the month. So your message just gets buried and then system deleted.

Oooh! Could be the opposite, too! Oh the possibilities!


I actually saw the following in a woman's profile recently:

"I get a lot of messages, so if I don't reply, your message may have gotten lost in the crowd, so send me another one".
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 387
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the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/28/2015 9:47:17 PM

yet you compare your profiles and you like the same things and enjoy similar hobbies, interests and so on?


We might see shared interests but we can't really say what they see, they might focus on different things in our profiles than we do, besides while it's good to have common interests that can't be a sole reason to date someone, to have them as a friend sure, dating needs attraction though, some kind of spark that makes you think "Mmmmm."
I used to have endless arguments about the spark on the E-harmony advice lines with people who talked about relationships like they were business contracts, they talked about learning to love someone, while i agree that love grows deeper over time their own argument only ever came across to me as learning to tolerate someone you're not the least bit attracted to or really very interested in, just to have a socially acceptable relationship to fill an empty slot in the life accomplishments CV. Mind you there were some pretty rabid misogynistic Texans on there. :)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 388
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The False when being Accepted
Posted: 4/28/2015 10:27:16 PM

Then explain all the "Unread Deleted" that I used to see. Go ahead. I'll wait


She didn't like the picture next to the message and didn't see any point in reading a message from someone she's not attracted to.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 389
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the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/29/2015 4:14:35 AM

Did she not answer because she's not interested, or would she be interested, but she just didn't see that you messaged her?


If she didn't answer then it doesn't really matter why she didn't answer, she doesn't have to justify herself to anyone least of all a total stranger she has demonstrated that she has no interest in talking to. Having a profile on a dating site doesn't mean the profile holder is responsible for other peoples fantasies and expectations, it doesn't mean that he or she has to live up to them either. If a woman didn't answer a hello it means she didn't want to answer which means take it as read that the answer is "Sorry, No" and don't keep hounding her to make it "Yes!!! Yes!!! Take me now you vision of studliness!!!"


Some kind of way to have a concrete answer that she's not interested would really help.


She didn't answer, job done.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 390
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/29/2015 6:22:57 PM

If she didn't answer then it doesn't really matter why she didn't answer, she doesn't have to justify herself to anyone least of all a total stranger she has demonstrated that she has no interest in talking to. Having a profile on a dating site doesn't mean the profile holder is responsible for other peoples fantasies and expectations, it doesn't mean that he or she has to live up to them either.


I'm not asking anyone to justify themselves. If she doesn't answer, she doesn't answer, no big deal. I'm arguing the claim that no response definitely means not interested. Just today, got another reply to a first message that I don't even have anymore. I couldn't tell you what I said to the girl, because I don't remember. Apparently it was a compliment since my reply was "oh hey thanks". So, it's been since before the last time I decided to clear my sent folder since I sent this message, and I'm just getting a reply today. This is at least about 2 months ago. You're not going to believe me, but that was honestly one of 3 that I sent at least 2 months ago, plus one from about 2 weeks ago, today. Who knows, it can even be one person with a bunch of fake profiles.

Again, I'll send you screenshots, I don't have the first messages anymore, it's been a while. Proof that sometimes silence just means she hasn't gotten around to reading it.

Now, saying thanks means nothing. She might not ever send another reply, and that's fine. Point is, that lack of response wasn't necessarily a no. This is a message that's just been sitting in her inbox. Maybe buried in a crowd, and maybe she hasn't even been on, I don't know. I'm just saying that there's more than 1 thing silence can mean. I'm in no way saying to harass the girl, but if it's been 2 weeks and you see her on again and message her ONCE, is that really over the line since you don't actually know what was going on on her side?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 391
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/29/2015 8:42:27 PM

So, it's been since before the last time I decided to clear my sent folder since I sent this message, and I'm just getting a reply today. This is at least about 2 months ago. You're not going to believe me, but that was honestly one of 3 that I sent at least 2 months ago

I don't believe the 2 months-ago timeline. Messages get deleted after 30 days:

Message is missing
We delete all messages after 30 days.

Maybe you were drunk and sent her another one and forgot you did ;)

I'm arguing the claim that no response definitely means not interested. Just today, got another reply to a first message that I don't even have anymore.

Well, technically, never say never on just about everything in the universe. You could write a gal, she read it, viewed you profile, didn't respond... 2 months later you say "Hey, what's up?" and she responds "Hi!". She wasn't interested (at least Enough) at the time of the first one.

Even if she Missed your message -- which is possible but a lower % chance than you think (even though they May Claim that) -- it's pretty solid that she Lacked interest at the time. She had her hands full, whether due to overload of messages and eyes set on guys she was already juggling, real life, or combination of both. Point being, it's probably on the same level as a gal responding "Hi, thanks... (answers question from your initial msg)..." then respond on your reply with a 1-worded message, then doesn't reply after that. Has her hands full. You could do the same thing and hit her up again, yes. If there's No Consequences to that, and it takes little time off your hands -- OK. Statistically it's going to be LOW, but have at it. Just hope you don't run into any of the umpteen gals at the bar or market. "Hey, that girl looks familiar." "Well dude, she's looking at you..." "Yeah... wait... what's with her scorn? Maybe I should go talk to her and ask her out."

IMO, you want to limit it to merely stepping on a few toes now and again in order to get some gain. You want to avoid kicking too many in the shins OR wasting time chasing extremely low % shots. So I'd limit the "2nd try", not just to no-replies but to bland replies that went dead fast to only the gals you see something Really matchable by her profile OR a rare "wow" that isn't just due to raw looks (and not out of your league).
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 392
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the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/30/2015 5:51:56 AM

I'm not asking anyone to justify themselves. If she doesn't answer, she doesn't answer, no big deal. I'm arguing the claim that no response definitely means not interested


It doesn't have to be definite, if she hasn't read the email because her inbox is overflowing and she doesn't want to wade through it that is an answer, if she hasn't read the email because she is already talking to someone and doesn't feel comfortable talking to someone else even to say no thanks that is an answer, if she gets swamped by life and decides not to read emails that's an answer, whatever the reason is the fact remains that she didn't answer the first email.

The point is that assuming no answer to mean no thanks without definitive proof of such being the case is the polite and reasonable social nicety, like "No hon, your arse definitely doesn't look like the rear end of a bus in those pants" or "Yes hon, those speedos do make you look like you could go to a fancy dress party as a petrol pump."

The onus is on us as the person potentially sending an unwanted message to make the more reasonable assumption. We may be wrong, we may miss out on something great, C'est la vie, it's better to be polite and miss out than contribute to the flood.

Well that's my take on it anyway.
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 393
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 9:09:33 PM
Better that they send back an "I don't think we are compatible" or not respond at all than ripping my head off and sending it back to me.

I can handle reasonable rejection , but , jeez, I've gotten more on PoF in the last three weeks than I'd gotten my entire life to this point, and some of it really nasty. Screw this, I'm not initiating messages anymore.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 394
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 9:21:10 PM

I've gotten more on PoF in the last three weeks than I'd gotten my entire life to this point, and some of it really nasty. Screw this, I'm not initiating messages anymore.


Really? I don't understand why people of either gender would choose to be nasty in a reply to a first message from someone when no reply would suffice. You aren't starting the message with......hey dumb***, I came across your profile.......are you? Lol ;)
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 395
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 9:25:24 PM

I can handle reasonable rejection , but , jeez, I've gotten more on PoF in the last three weeks than I'd gotten my entire life to this point, and some of it really nasty. Screw this, I'm not initiating messages anymore.


Really? I can honestly say that I have never had a nasty reply when I initiated a message. Either they were interested or did not reply.

I have only gotten nasty ones when I replied to them telling them that I didn't think we were a match, but wished them luck with their search.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 396
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 9:39:05 PM

I have only gotten nasty ones when I replied to them telling them that I didn't think we were a match


You've got that right.

I've been called names on here that put to shame some that were thrown my way at work. :/
 Robert_77_
Joined: 4/14/2015
Msg: 397
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 10:10:17 PM
I tend to find that breaking out my bizarre sense of humor is a good way of letting women down, online at least, without having to hurt their feelings. They walk away feeling that they dodged a bullet by avoiding a weird ass wack job.
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 398
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 10:15:37 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh god, that was good!
 justdeb1111
Joined: 8/12/2012
Msg: 399
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 10:44:03 PM

Really? I don't understand why people of either gender would choose to be nasty in a reply to a first message from someone when no reply would suffice. You aren't starting the message with......hey dumb***, I came across your profile.......are you? Lol ;)

I finally caved in and started a premium account--then went back to re-look at a few profiles that I'd looked at when I started here. Three of them had been "separated" so I gently asked how each was doing and if they had finalized a divorce. Big Mistake for two of the responses.

Another had posted in a forum something that really was quite beautiful but when I looked at his profile, it was all about what he didn't want and used his ex as a reference. Ok, I am a noob, the profile was older so I asked how things were going, was it still rough, etc. Another mistake, things apparently were kinda raw.

That was just today. I've gotten a few that started out fairly decent but zero'd in for fault finding soon after. Then there are those that don't believe a thing you've put on your profile. This website is possessed!

I can see why some get all bent in forums and lash out and I'm about as mellow as you can get.
Definitely taking a messaging sabbatical.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 400
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the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 5/1/2015 11:12:36 PM
Robert 77

Not a fan of putting myself in a bad light in order to get rid of someone I was not interested in. It is best to just ignore.
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