Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > the truth when being rejected.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 26
the truth when being rejected.Page 2 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

I agree that the canned "Not Interested" response that Match offered was what worked best for me---however, I did not like to utilize the "reason why" option. Doing so would often invite further comments from men---some of which were rather unpleasant.

Ahh, see -- I never used that on Match, but always saw the option. Yeah, I agree -- unless it would cease replies from said person, selecting "reason why" wouldn't be the greatest idea. That's why I think a default "Yes, block any more messages from [person]" would be necessary. Of course, people would still be apprehensive about selecting why, just by internal guilt. :)

I don't like things sugar coated either, but in this case its one of the few times id rather be spared

I would like to know, HOWEVER, you make a great point here, which made me think...

But when a lie and the truth yield the same results - ill take the lie if all the truth yields is superficial opinion.

... which is just because they respond, doesn't mean it's going to be Accurate, either. :) So if you choose between two inaccuracies, sure, I'll take the sugar-coated one. However, if I know I'm going to get inaccuracies, why ask for a reason? Well, some people won't be too far off. But you can't expect to get Real answers -- even if they're not trying to lie to you. It makes people feel uncomfortable, so IMO it's going to be a relatively small % who are truly going to give you the straight-up dope as to why.

But to what you said -- what's just "superficial opinion" vs "regular understandable opinion"? The latter being the ones that don't 'hurt', while the former does? Instead, I don't "chase" getting the real answers is because the accuracy of it is still going to be off anyway. But would be good/interesting to know to get someone's bearings straight in the land of "shhhh!". That's why I think a dating website Could incorporate something like that, if done correctly, wouldn't make the person doing the "why" feel like the other is going to react (blocks any more replies to them, and/or does it anonymously and gives the other person a % after X amount of people give their reasons why).

"I do not think we are a match," is a perfectly good answer.

I think no answer is the best. That just prods someone to be more apt to reply as to why... after all, "Why not just ignore my message? Ah ha! She had to see something that stuck out to make her think we weren't. I want to know, and make sure what the thing is -- it's not like she's out of my league..." IMO, best to just no-reply it.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 27
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/11/2015 9:09:28 PM

Best mode? Running with what Match has. A button to click Not Interested... but expanding that by also the user's volition as an option, selection categories as to why (height, age, body-type, occupation, education, etc) -- and not allowing said person to write the other again (but the receiver can see results; either statistically or individually).


That's what I did when I was on Match. Saying that "we're not a match" can be based on many different things. Lack of physical attraction, distance, age, height, something you wrote on your profile, a specific detail about your photos. Not smiling, a picture with a member of the opposite sex or a beer in your hand. Not saying these things necessarily apply to the OP. Just general examples.


My least favorite: "Sorry, I am interested in your profile but are overwhelmed with contact messages."


That may not be true. But it's possible that they are talking to some other people on a dating site and just wanted to focus on them. I have turned women down due to this reason.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 28
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 3:16:04 AM

It pretty clear, vast majority of users here are all about the looks.


You are too.

How many 5 foot ,200 pound women with butch ,patchy hair, skinny lips,cross eyes,a big nose with missing teeth that scuba dive and enjoy and want what you do, have you emailed?
ZERO


You are full of IT.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 29
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 4:02:30 AM
groveman2015

How many obese ugly women do you message by the way?? Of course it is about looks. Get over it.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 30
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 4:25:27 AM
Well, OP, you're not getting the favorable responses from the women whom you prefer. I'm quite more than certain that you're getting responses from the people to whom you're not attracted -- merely based on looks, isn't it? You quantatively assume the vast majority of (POF daters/forumites) women judge you -- merely on looks -- when I suspect that not all women do so whilst you conveniently forget about them.

The reality is that you base your preferences on how physically attracted you are to preferred women.

Save your disgusting whine-fest when you grumble to yourself on how unfair the world is to lonely bachelors.
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 31
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 4:34:47 AM
I don't do first messages. I have been tempted to write back and tell them the honest truth, but I resist that urge. Mainly because it would be hundreds of "I don't find you physically attractive - too overweight or ugly face/not feminine enough face or looks or don't like their hair", "we don't have anything in common/ not enough similar interests", "I think you are shallow or on a different wave length to me", "I don't like your career/ you don't have a high enough income", "I don't find beards/facial hair/hairy men attractive", "you aren't/don't seem intelligent enough", "you don't seem interesting or fun enough", "you freak me out" (don't laugh, some men do genuinely freak me out ;), "you are too unhealthy/unfit", "I don't date men with children, sorry", "I don't really find men of other races physically attractive", "I find the high number of women you have slept with unattractive and am not really attracted to you because of it, sorry", "I don't like your attitude/personality and find it unattractive".

Wow heaps of that stuff sounds bad and would probably be very hurtful for men to have said. I would rather just not reply to them. No point of them knowing why I am not interested, especially if it is something they can't really change (race, hairiness, their face, their body build). Other stuff they won't change anyway and not everyone can have a high paying job and good career, it is unrealistic. Just the same as not everyone can be attractive .

Plus there is also a chance that they lash out and insult me, I don't need that. I don't come on here to insult men and fight with them. I come here to have nice chats and hopefully find love and someone to be with.

So I completely disagree. You might think it is a good idea, but in reality if women did reply and told you exactly why they aren't interested, you would change your mind. That or, be really hurt, get angry, give up, get depressed etc.

The ignoring strategy is best, best for both people. Even one reply gives hope, so unless you are interested in them to date or as friends then don't reply. Don't waste their time and your own and possibly hurt the other person.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 32
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 8:54:37 AM

So I completely disagree. You might think it is a good idea, but in reality if women did reply and told you exactly why they aren't interested, you would change your mind. That or, be really hurt, get angry, give up, get depressed etc.


Times posting this next sentence: 1234723842094120341235123051235912305912385

"There's a big difference between telling someone you're not attracted to them, and calling them ugly."

Actually understand what that sentence means. Then apply it to your rejection.

The truth is a good thing, when done right. Hiding behind some lame line like "I don't think we're a match.", or the just ignore anything else they ever say is just the cowardly way out. What it comes down to is you don't have the balls to say what you really think. If you cared so much about what the other person might think, don't you think it's fair to let them know that there won't be another date? How many threads of people disappearing or not answering is it going to take for it to click that maybe this isn't the best approach for the guy, it's just the easiest approach for the girl?

And OP has a point. You don't know you're "not a match" whatever that actually means, from just one date with someone from a dating site. Not just that, but how many times do you expect us to hear the same exact line before realizing that there's more to it? Again, you're not clever. You're not saying something we haven't already heard 143897698723467982346923462379806767082346234623407963429708623479086792346723498672340967234096723956123095734809734986109461092857-9384761034582737423860123592457 times before. If you're going to use some lame line, at least think of one on your own.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 33
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 9:24:04 AM

ever had someone write you back and say to you "I don't think I see a good match" ?

yet you compare your profiles and you like the same things and enjoy similar hobbies, interests and so on?


ever wanted them to just write to you and tell you the honest truth? whether it's "I don't find you attractive" or "you aren't tall enough" or whatever. instead of trying to ****foot around the truth and being nice to avoid hurting someone's feelings?

I realize that some people on here, both men and women do not take rejection well and can become enraged and angry but that's life, it may happen in real life as well some day.


I'm pretty sure that both sexes on here would love the truth when they're not acceptable to the person they messaged.



What truth? She told you the truth..she doesn't want to meet you at this time. She isn't 'feeling it'. Don't assume it is even something she can articulate(conscious of). Plus it can actually change in the future. I only had that type of message 2-3 times and one of them actually initiated with me months later, probably NOT realizing our history . I of course ignored her! But obviously her secret reasons changed!

Not for nothing, but no one is doing you a favor by telling you something. In fact ignoring is the best. Why do you want a bunch of "I don't think I see a good match" in your inbox?

Lets say you get 10% response rate; that is 90 rejection notes in your inbox for every 100 you send. What sane person wants to waste their time going though them?

What will end up happening is some people will just erase all of them and miss the POSITIVE ones. Anything on these sites that waste time are actually in the way of you finding what you are looking for.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 34
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 9:44:35 AM

It pretty clear, vast majority of users here are all about the looks.

Of course that plays a major factor in the dating game. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a spot on our profiles to put our picture.

Jesus. It's not rocket science.
 groveman2015
Joined: 11/26/2014
Msg: 35
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 10:02:41 AM

You are too.

How many 5 foot ,200 pound women with butch ,patchy hair, skinny lips,cross eyes,a big nose with missing teeth that scuba dive and enjoy and want what you do, have you emailed?
ZERO


You are full of IT



yea I know. I'm not denying that. I am one of those users.

i'm just stating the facts.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 36
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 10:45:38 AM

What truth? She told you the truth..she doesn't want to meet you at this time. She isn't 'feeling it'. Don't assume it is even something she can articulate(conscious of). Plus it can actually change in the future.

Well, no -- her response wasn't "I'm not feeling it", even though that is another vague one. Hers actually begs a reason moreso than that: "I don't think I see a good match". It could be a canned response not given any thought, but what that implies is that there's something there that wouldn't make a good match. It doesn't imply "I can't put my finger on it," is my point. It implies there IS something there that nixes it, but she doesn't want to say it. Could be vague, could be concrete. Not a good canned response to give to someone.

Not a big fan of "I'm not feeling it". Many times it's lack of (physical) attraction. Just say it. I think one's own fears (because they don't like being told) makes oneself even apprehensive about believing the real Why if it's not incredibly distinct.

A perfect example as to Not reply to someone hitting you up who you don't know with a canned response. Just don't reply.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 37
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/12/2015 9:09:37 PM

People cant handle the truth


Even Jack Nicholson said as much.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 38
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/16/2015 7:16:02 PM
I've sent my share of "I don't think we'd be a good match" responses. Rarely has it been because I didn't find them attractive. Sometimes I thought they were too attractive, out of my league. Men into water activities are a no, (I'm terrified of water). Lot's of reasons to say this , never had anyone question why. Take their rejection gracefully and move on to someone else.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 39
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/21/2015 8:05:33 AM

It pretty clear, vast majority of users here are all about the looks.


Looks play a major role. But I have turned down women due to other reasons. Negative profile / personality, lack of common interests, age, distance, having multiple children, heavy smoker etc.
 pacino233
Joined: 10/10/2014
Msg: 40
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/23/2015 11:40:17 AM
Being rejected isn't such a bad thing, at least they took the time to give you an answer instead of just ignoring your message. In terms of being a match, in my opinion it can depend on what you don't have in common as much as what you do. I don't necessarily message women who are just like me because I don't think it would make for a very interesting relationship. I would describe myself as an introvert but it doesn't mean that I also want to date someone who is the same as it means I would have even more discouragement from trying new things, whereas an extrovert would push me to be a bit more adventurous. The main thing I notice that makes me ignore views and Meet Me clicks is excessive text talk and when I see a list of demands that come of more as a rant (both suggest they may be quite immature). I nearly messaged someone earlier who was almost a perfect match but I saw that she does drugs socially and has a kid. I thought "Er, forget it!".
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 41
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/25/2015 8:49:01 AM
I just had to reject someone that was being really sweet, now I feel kinda horrible. I hate doing stuff that I know hurts others. Ugh.

We were really incompatible though, he was just ..had more problems than me. Straight away going into details about his weird fetish. Freaked me out.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 42
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/25/2015 1:28:40 PM
First off, I find “I don’t think we are a match” as a reply to an initial email perfectly appropriate by all standards. Reading all these threads about “no reply” and the agony some seem to suffer over the question whether they should send another email……. Be glad the person has at least the manners/character and courage to reply despite opening herself up to nasty hate mails in return!

That said, imagine the scenario: You look at a profile of the person who sent you an initial email, which is, like it or not, the only info you have to go by in online dating, right? Now, you simply don’t find it appealing, something seems off in the profile, or it just does not compute with the email received…….. whatever, it just does not speak to you.

Would you then sit there and spend time on analyzing what/why it does not appeal/speak to you? Is it the nose, the height, a certain wording in the profile? And then spending time composing an email to explain the results of your analysis? While (as per above) opening yourself up to nasty hate mails as a thank you for all the time and effort???????????

I didn’t think so!
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 43
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 5:48:42 AM
The best response to rejection is to be silent about it,complaining or disguising complaining by claiming to want to know why does no good....just move on...you don't owe anyone anything and they don't owe you anything,tough words in this increasingly entitled world......and yes when sex or the potential of sex is involved looks do matter,in all my time here I have never seen a good argument for being with someone you have no physical interest in.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 44
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 11:20:19 AM
How is learning of the reason helpful to you? Was is that supposed to accomplish?

Are you supposed to take that feedback and work on improving yourself, when whatever the reason is may not be a reason for someone else?

For example, say the reason is because you're "too fat", so you go and lose the weight, get in tip top shape, then you go on and message me, and I tell you "You look slimmer than me, yuck.". So what you gonna do? gain weight so that the next may feel like "you're too fat" yet again?

What is an issue for one, may not be an issue for another.

For example, I'm not into blonde hair, so if someone with blonde hair were to message me, I'm supposed to tell him his hair color is unnatural to me and reminds me of the Village of the Damned, and therefore I just can't deal with it?
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 45
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 12:27:44 PM
"How is learning of the reason helpful to you?"

It's helpful if you got rejected because of your approach -- for example, your first contact message was lame or your profile was immature or filled with red flags. Now you may say, that's the kind of help you should get in the forums, but remember, 99% of POF users never visit the forums and the vast majority don't even know they exist.

Also, if it's NOT something you can easily change or would even want to change, then it would be helpful to keep track of the reasons for the rejections so you could create a profile of the types of people you would have little chance of getting a positive response from and reduce site use inefficiency. Technically, though, I'm not sure you actually need to be told why in order to do this -- if you are obese and constantly being rejected by skinny people, then you should be able to put one and one together. However, sometimes it is less obvious than that.

None of this is to say I think it's a good idea to be told why you were rejected, for the many reasons already stated here. POF is probably more likely than any other site to invite that question, though, because you have to put effort into your first contact and you're shooting largely blindly, as the site has very few listed disqualifiers and relatively few people write disqualifiers in their free form text block. On Tinder, there is so little effort in the first contact process that you don't even care that you got rejected (or usually even remember who you said "Yes" to), plus rejection is less explicit. On Match, you often can see why you are GOING TO BE rejected before you attempt to make first contact. After sending messages to women who did not disqualify me in their POF profile, I've then stumbled across them on Match and discovered those women had minimum height qualifications that were several inches taller than me (despite them being the same height or shorter than me) or that they would only date white guys or something like that, then I would say to myself, "OH, so that's why she rejected me, despite us matching in 90 different other ways." But was it helpful to know that? Probably not. I could come across another woman who is 99% her twin, except she doesn't have those disqualifiers. What IS helpful to know are those disqualifiers upfront, BEFORE you contact someone, so you don't waste your time doing so -- "pre-emptive rejection."
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 46
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 12:46:09 PM

How is learning of the reason helpful to you? Was is that supposed to accomplish?

*IF* it were to be truthful (subject was on truth serum), it can be very helpful. They just aren't some forumite running off a one-sided typed out story. They were the actual person. Problem is getting the Real Dope on the matter.

Are you supposed to take that feedback and work on improving yourself, when whatever the reason is may not be a reason for someone else?

Depends what the feedback is. And to collect it among others you went out on dates with, friends, female friends' insights, etc. Yep.

For example, say the reason is because you're "too fat", so you go and lose the weight, get in tip top shape, then you go on and message me, and I tell you "You look slimmer than me, yuck.". So what you gonna do? gain weight so that the next may feel like "you're too fat" yet again?

It doesn't roll like that. Sure, if he loses weight and looks like he's trying out for Shindler's List II: Bulimia's Revenge, he obviously wasn't handling it right, just as a guy who got fatter didn't either. It isn't about ONE girl, it's about gathering info on weaknesses and what to improve. He could get a little too thin, especially if he's below average height, and then adjust and gain muscle. But it's Much more likely if he's fat, he's going to body build (burns more fat) along with some medium-pace cardio to lose the fat -- but also keep some bulk. Is his look, regardless of how perfective his methods were, going to get every Particular gal who thought he was too fat before? No. But that's not the point. He's going to be a hotter commodity. He wants to know what, and to what extent, are certain attributes lowering his score.

For example, I'm not into blonde hair, so if someone with blonde hair were to message me, I'm supposed to tell him his hair color is unnatural to me and reminds me of the Village of the Damned, and therefore I just can't deal with it?

You don't respond if you're not interested. If a guy wants to know, you don't have to say it in a snarky way ... you can just say "I'm not into guys with blonde hair." And, you could say, from outside your own subjective zone, say "A lot of girls aren't into it as it's not the 80s anymore, if you want my opinion. I'd recommend getting your hair colored some to darken it." But say blonde is liked by many gals... you just say you're not into it. Phew! Guess what? That's fine! He knows it's not his body, some weird thing coming across his profile, etc.

(Truthful) Information is Good, for those who can handle it. I always thought anonymous reasons would be good... or from someone but their reason would close off their username from the writer's POV (it'd disappear) and he couldn't write them again.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 47
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 2:01:46 PM
@Hawking and @Norwegian

What you are both referring to, is being told the truth if something outside of the "attraction" parameter is the culprit. It's all fair and dandy...............but any of you hear we get like upwards of 30 messages a day? (not that I'm getting that right now, nooo, my profile has been hidden the last 2 weeks as I am in the midst of revamping my profile pictures, and deciding if I'll renew the upgrade which just ran out).

There is no reason to spend any more time communicating with people who don't make the cut (it's a dating website, time is of the essence). So likely going into a conversation about what they may need to improve, may give them the impression that if they change it, they have a chance with said person (after the fact).

Correct me if I am wrong, but most things are "survival of the fittest", and it's a dog-eat-dog world, no one holds your hand through many of life's processes.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 48
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 3:40:45 PM
Belle: I was just answering your "How is learning of the reason helpful to you?" question -- I'm sure (young attractive) women are flooded with messages and do have far better things to do with their time than help some of those pathetic men with their faulty approach. And I did point out, I don't think it's a good idea for women to respond with rejection reasons, and quite frankly, I don't want them to (for me, anyway). I was just saying, THIS is the reason why such information could be helpful to SOME men.

But I really don't think there's a tactful, safe way to get that information to them. So "no response" is probably the best way to go, unfortunately.
 pofuser768
Joined: 2/7/2015
Msg: 49
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 4:58:06 PM

It pretty clear, vast majority of users here are all about the looks.


I would apply this logic to virtually all users (with very few exceptions).

I do agree getting an explanation is (generally) a nice gesture; however, since this is online dating, looks are gonna be your answer the vast majority of time.
 theforumfiend
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 50
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 2/26/2015 5:34:20 PM
Sometimes it's something in the profile. I was once contacted by a man older than me who had his cut off she several years younger than me. In a smart azz mood that day I thanked him for his interest, but added because "I'm too old for you" as the reason. He wrote back that I didn't look my age. Aaarrrggghhh... I look my age. Soooo, I wrote back, but I am this age so I'm holding you too it.

Check out your profiles. Are you telling us right off the bat that you're just writing hoping to get lucky, bored, picky, or whatever?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > the truth when being rejected.