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 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 101
the truth when being rejected.Page 5 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

I'm going to have to agree with rockin-trucker


He will appreciate that. He doesn't see those words here very often.


I am not corresponding with an electronic device, I'm corresponding with a person.Takes a few seconds to say we're not a match.


It takes even less to not give a shit about a stranger not responding to you.

I have a question for both you and rockin-trucker. Let's say out of nowhere, it became commonplace for people to write back, and say "we're not a match" along with an explanation. Is it really going to improve anyone's POF experience, and give them a new sense of optimism?

Is it going to put a big shit eating grin on anyone's face? Are they going to start feeling that all is becoming right in the world again? Are they going to be doing cartwheels out in their front yard gleefully shouting "YES!! I GOT A "WE'RE NOT A MATCH RESPONSE!!!"

No?

Then why the hell would anyone long for it?
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 102
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/4/2015 5:34:51 PM
thepigofyourdreams, I do think a courteous reply, even if it's a thanks but no thanks, would make a person feel valued. Someone took the time to read their profile and write to thank them for their interest. I can only imagine someone sending out dozens of messages and not getting one response. I imagine they would feel like a piece of shit eventually.
Oh, that snarky remark about rockin-trucker, that's rude too.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 103
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/4/2015 9:19:53 PM
I read this entire thread with interest. Some posters want to know why they were rejected. I believe it's because they'd like to improve themselves for a more positive experience. Or to focus more on more compatible people. To learn from their mistakes. We were tested in school. Some answers were wrong. We found that out when we got our test papers back. If we got fired from our jobs, we'd like to know the reason why. Only in the most important phase in our lives, we have to guess why we were rejected. I don't mind be rejected if I know the reason behind it. I do, when I don't know.
 pofuser768
Joined: 2/7/2015
Msg: 104
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/4/2015 9:21:16 PM
It is kinda ironic the direction this thread is taking. Hard to have a conversation on here about manners because that would get in the way of all the people on here trying to attack each other.

It seems to me that there is a different standard for conversation on here vs. real life. That is, there is no standard, and one has to settle for a reduced quality of date/ conversation on a site like this.

In real life, if I wanted to have a conversation with someone, I could just go to somewhere public, and likely strike one up. On here, to even get a response, I would have to send tons of messages. And of the responses I got, what are the odds any of those people would even be able to have an actual conversation? Really, really low. One or two word responses appear to be way too normal on here.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 105
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 5:55:25 AM
In real time it is fairly easy to reject a Man's advances. Here much more difficult. If you say no thanks we are not a match you get a whiny " why ? Give me a chance, blah blah. Or as been said countless times many women then get an abusive msg back. I should have saved some I received, and it wasn't that I pointed out the reason(s) I had no interest in chatting with them let alone meeting.
People need to get a rejection letter to know what they need to improve on? I don't buy that.
Like RT you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression the onus is on YOU to have the best pictures up, text not riddled with spelling errors, no negs , etc.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 106
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 6:14:53 AM

thepigofyourdreams, I do think a courteous reply, even if it's a thanks but no thanks, would make a person feel valued.


Yeah, nothing says "valued" quite like rejection. We have a handful of people who *claim* they would like to receive these "courteous replies", and I hope it happens for them, so they can see how wrong they were. At least with no reply, you can let your mind cook up a myriad of possible reasons why you received no reply. With the "courtesy reply", it is *confirmed* someone found you unappealing. Oh, joy!!


Oh, that snarky remark about rockin-trucker, that's rude too.


Yeah, I need a spanking, don't I?
 Eternityboreme
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 107
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 6:36:41 AM

Yes. A person can do the "disappearing act" at any time. But it can be rude in some situations. For example, a woman agrees to go out with me. When I contacted her to finalize plans, she doesn't respond. I still think it's good manners to tell the other person so that (s)he will know and can move on sooner. Even a white lie such as "I'm a taking a break" or "I met someone else" ( if that wasn't the actual reason ) would be okay.


I have more of an issue with expectation that people should respond to you as YOU see fit, regardless of what the other person wants. An on-line stranger owes you no more of a response or confirmation than I owe somebody walking on the street, a smile.

You have to accept that fleeting communications do occur, in these situations. It may appear as bad manners or maybe it's your failure to accept this disappearing act as a no thanks. Sometimes, shit just happens and people have lives outside of here with events that do arise with family, work, friendships, and things related to their homes. (I don't recall anyone ever asking me if I'm alright when I don't call them when things like this have come up. It's evident hat my absence didn't register, and it's okay.)

It's happened to me where I didn't receive the confirmations, and though I feel it's irritating that they don't value my time, I also understand that this is on-line, that agreements are non-adhesive, and verbal plans are rendered to dust at the turn of the next attractive lady who catches his eye.

I'd never demand a response; I make sure I have a back up plan, even if it doesn't include another man.



This is worse when 2 people had been dating for a while.


This is something quite different.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 108
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 6:58:36 AM

Some posters want to know why they were rejected. I believe it's because they'd like to improve themselves for a more positive experience. Or to focus more on more compatible people. To learn from their mistakes


Are you saying that you would be willing to "change" yourself, or your being, because of what someone, someone you don't know, said to you about why they didn't feel you were a match? I actually want to believe that once we reach a certain age, along with having those real life experiences, we would understand that our "true matches" will actually be low. Very low in certain cases.

I could see getting that "information" from a stranger could be something to think about, I just don't think it would be something I would act on, changing the person that I truly am. As I have aged, and evolved, I understand that the changes that I actually do, is slowly eliminating more and more of my potentials. I don't need another to tell me so. I get it.

When I walk along a street and say hello to strangers, I will get varying degrees of responses. Sometimes, it's a grunt, sometimes it's eye contact with a sweet hello back. Other times, not so much. I wouldn't expect anything more, or less here.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 109
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 7:53:42 AM

I don't mind be rejected if I know the reason behind it. I do, when I don't know.


Wrong. You DO mind. It's the oldest trick in the book-finding an excuse to maintain contact with someone who is rejecting you. Aside from people whose way of handling rejection and is to send a nasty reply, the "We're not a match because of XYZ" message would often be followed by "I worked on fixing XYZ, so if we get together again, it will go a lot better than the first time."
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 110
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 9:07:09 AM

I have a question for both you and rockin-trucker. Let's say out of nowhere, it became commonplace for people to write back, and say "we're not a match" along with an explanation. Is it really going to improve anyone's POF experience, and give them a new sense of optimism?

Is it going to put a big shit eating grin on anyone's face? Are they going to start feeling that all is becoming right in the world again? Are they going to be doing cartwheels out in their front yard gleefully shouting "YES!! I GOT A "WE'RE NOT A MATCH RESPONSE!!!"


Because since you fail to grasp the point that this entire thread is AFTER a conversation is established... Let's put your theory into practice. Call your mother. And in the middle of the conversation, while she's talking, just hang up. When she calls you back, don't answer.

OR, call your best friend, and make plans to meet for lunch. And then don't go. When your friend calls you, don't answer.

This is EXACTLY what people are doing to other people on this site. The first message and an established conversation are two completely different worlds. Now, if the other person is rude, and being a jerk, yeah, ignore them. But if you finally look at their pictures and they're not hot enough... Maybe the fact that you're suddenly vanishing on them has a lot to do with why you're single.

These are real people on the other end. You should be approaching this the same way that you do with real people. Whether its online or in sitting at a bar doesn't matter. It's a real person on each side of the computer.

And about writing back and saying we're not a match... No, that wouldn't help anything, because again, a lie just has to be backed up by more lies. NOBODY knows that some random profile isn't "a match". You don't know the person, you don't know they're not a match. The truth is he's ugly, or she's fat. But most people here lack the subtlety to approach that the right way. Or they're just a hypocrite, like the 300lb girl that demands a fit guy and nothing else, but at least she's honest about it.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 111
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 9:51:01 AM

Because since you fail to grasp the point that this entire thread is AFTER a conversation is established...


Hardly, the OP's post had nothing to do with an ongoing conversation. You morphed it into that to validate your opinion.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 112
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 10:16:17 AM
confused it with a different thread then, or it changed later, probably the first one. These threads start to all blend together after a while since they all turn into the same thing.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 113
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 10:57:05 AM


Because since you fail to grasp the point that this entire thread is AFTER a conversation is established... Let's put your theory into practice. Call your mother. And in the middle of the conversation, while she's talking, just hang up. When she calls you back, don't answer.

OR, call your best friend, and make plans to meet for lunch. And then don't go. When your friend calls you, don't answer.


Holy shit. You're back to comparing real time conversations with FRIENDS AND FAMILY to writing letters online with strangers. There is no hope for you.


And about writing back and saying we're not a match... No, that wouldn't help anything, because again, a lie just has to be backed up by more lies. NOBODY knows that some random profile isn't "a match". You don't know the person, you don't know they're not a match. The truth is he's ugly, or she's fat. But most people here lack the subtlety to approach that the right way.


Why the f*ck do you or anyone else need MORE than "we're not a match"?? To me, that says it all right there without going into detail.

Ok, let's say something tells you you're not attractive. THEN what?? Do you want more conversation about the matter to continue?? Deeper discussion on why they don't find you attractive? What a colossal waste of time. Sorry, but you're asking for a lot by expecting someone to want to endure that bullshit. People aren't signing up here to be someone's online shrink.

As much as you want this site to parallel 'real life", it doesn't and it never will. Everyone here is an item in the display window or shelf in an online shopping mall. I'm sorry if that takes the human element out of it for you, but that's the way it is.


Or they're just a hypocrite, like the 300lb girl that demands a fit guy and nothing else, but at least she's honest about it.


That doesn't make her a hypocrite. She's not being critical of other people her size. She is merely someone who's aware there are chubby chasers out there who are in decent shape, and may want her. There's nothing wrong with her going after what she finds attractive.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 114
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 12:52:00 PM

As much as you want this site to parallel 'real life", it doesn't and it never will. Everyone here is an item in the display window or shelf in an online shopping mall. I'm sorry if that takes the human element out of it for you, but that's the way it is.



I fully agree



There's a be careful of what you wish for hanging over the "I would just like to know why I'm being rejected".
If one receives an explanation with every single rejection, that person could no sooner end up jumping off a bridge.
Dramatic, I know, but get my point? Can't get all butthurt over rejections, explained or unexplained.
Having a thick skin is part of what is required to deal with Online Dating. Sad but true.

One thing I do recognize is that the more intense the feeling of being rejected is felt, the higher the hopes were into that person.
Don't raise the hopes too much. I know it sounds dreadful but it's part of having thick skin.
These are just profiles. Strangers.
Nothing is solid until AFTER the first couple meets.
That's when hopes can be raised, feelings can develop............... correct???
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 115
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 1:06:38 PM


I fully agree


I fully agree with your fully agreeing with me.

I still don't believe for a second anyone who says they want the polite rejection responses. Why?

Because they're wanting us to believe they are emotionally strong enough to handle it. If that were really the case, they wouldn't be bent out of shape over NOT getting them to begin with.

Period.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 116
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 2:38:10 PM

I fully agree with your fully agreeing with me.


I agree to fully agree to what you're fully agreeing on, when I find out what you're really agreeing on-and I raise you one.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 117
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 6:03:39 PM

You don't know the person, you don't know they're not a match. The truth is he's ugly, or she's fat.


So you want women to reply to your message with, “You’re fat and ugly”? Why don’t you just take it as a given, since you’ve got it all figured out. :/

I don’t think I’d be interested in dating a man who would call others fat and ugly, especially me!


But most people here lack the subtlety to approach that the right way.


How do you subtly approach calling someone fat and ugly the “right way”?

I also wouldn’t be interested in dating any man who would actually change himself based on an online rejection! WTF
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 118
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 7:02:35 PM
What he's completely failing to realize is that not replying at all IS the subtle way to let someone know.
He knows it, but he would rather they reply so he can lure them into a heated message exchange.

Not to mention, I believe many people opt to not send the polite rejection response because they aren't anticipating the person who wrote them having a f*cking meltdown over no reply.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 119
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 7:41:55 PM

not replying at all IS the subtle way to let someone know



Zing zing... OMG again! I agree.
Wow... we're almost likeminded,almost but not quite.
I'll always prefer latex over leather. Sorry :)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 120
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 7:50:21 PM
In real life, if a guy goes up to a girl he doesn't know and flirts with her, and she brushes him off, is the guy going to demand to know why she rejected him and what she finds wrong with him? Why should it be different in OLD?
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 121
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/5/2015 8:05:48 PM

I also wouldn’t be interested in dating any man who would actually change himself based on an online rejection! WTF

Really? So you meet a great guy -- he's in great shape, has an awesome job, ambitious, charming, etc -- and after a while, you start going steady. One evening, you two are telling stories, and he tells you that he used to be fat and not a great job, not much ambition. He was in one of those quasi-dunno-what-to-do phases of his life... so he joined a dating site and at one point a gal rejected him and told him what was up after he asked her why exactly if she could be so kind. He then says that made a light-bulb go off and he shifted into what he is today. Would you really dump him? :)

What he's completely failing to realize is that not replying at all IS the subtle way to let someone know.

Exactly. The whole "no reply is rude" concept is because people are butt-hurt. No reply = not interested. They know that, but they want to know if that lack of interest is due to, say, timing -- and she sees him as a great catch but OH, she already met someone else and isn't really using the site anymore. Okay, phew -- I'm still a good catch. Or some other reason/excuse that makes them feel like they're a good catch -- but some oddity that knocks them out of it. Their self-esteem can't handle the why-exactlys. :)

BUT, I will say that it would be Good for some people To get Real Reasons cited. Some people, including ones with low-self-esteem, think they are more deserving than what they are and don't realize how/where they fit. They think they're in a better league than they are -- but "all" they have to do is fix some stuff up. It would be ideal if some people were to get that -- much like the Profile Review section, but one person's take who they are interested in so they can see that viewpoint.

However, there's two reasons why this won't happen. (1) Most people wouldn't be able to tell them the Actual truth (especially it being something they can't really fix), and it can be a spin-off and be not so accurate, and sometimes lead them in the wrong direction as people don't like making others feel bad anyway... let alone dealing with this concept it self -- most people don't want to, which is related to (2)...

I believe many people opt to not send the polite rejection response because they aren't anticipating the person who wrote them having a f*cking meltdown over no reply.

.... where meltdowns of replies, notably a cut-n-paste reply "I don't think we're a good match, good luck in your 'search', sir." is going to very understandably keep folks away from wanting to give one of any kind in the first place.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 122
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/6/2015 3:37:27 PM
OK, first, when a girl flips out on me, and it's happened, I made the mistake of messaging her when she was VERY specific about hot guys only... Know what I did? I stopped reading and pushed the back button. For a bunch of people that claim that this is so different than any normal interaction, you guys really take a lot of abuse when all you have to do is not read it.

If you say no and he messages you back, if you don't want to make that gamble on is he flipping out, having a meltdown, or just wishing you luck, then just don't open the message.

But one of the biggest reasons that no reply is a terrible approach... Go to your text messages on your phone. I can guarantee you that there's a message that you never answered in there from a good friend or family. It's not like this is isolated to online dating sites. People are doing this in the real world.

Our biggest problem as a society today is that we don't know how to communicate anymore. The amount of stories and even personal experiences of being stood up from these sites is unbelievable. When someone asks you out, if you don't want to, just say no. Say you found a bf. Do literally anything but making the plans to go out. Even take the cowardly way out and just ignore it. Just don't say "yeah, let's go to applebees on friday. Here's my number." and then never answer your phone or show up. Why is that creepy guy hounding you on your phone? Because you gave him your number. Why is there a guy on friday calling you about going to applebees? Because you made those plans with him.

Just say no. And own the reason you're saying no. You only date people who go to the gym, well, that's YOUR decision. Don't blame the other person for it. If fitness is a big part of your life, you'd kind of want someone to share that part of your life with. That's what I meant about subtlety... You guys lack it. It's always the other person's fault. At least that's how it comes out, because every time a conversation isn't rainbows and unicorns, you hide from it. You ignore the problem and assume that everything magically fixed itself. You're not going to be happy 24/7, you're not always going to be giving good news. People are going to ask you out and you're going to have to say no. You're going to have to back out of dates, and if you're the person that refuses to give a heads-up, eventually you're going to know the frustration of being on the other side of that.

That first message, if you choose to reply, remember, us guys are experts on getting rejected. We hear every excuse all the time. You're in no way clever. If you're going to respond, be honest. If anything, it's great practice for when you're in a relationship. The person you're dating is going to tend to not be a big fan of being lied to all the time.

It's funny, online conversations are somehow different than offline, yet so many people act the same exact way offline...
 Onyxbutterflies90
Joined: 10/14/2014
Msg: 123
view profile
History
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/6/2015 4:28:33 PM
Still not a good argument for replying to every message you receive. No amount of judgment from someone whose judgment doesn't matter is going to convince a person to spend their precious time and energy on an unnecessary task. I won't devote one iota of consciousness towards a non-entity. He shouldn't devote one iota of consciousness on me after he's sent me a message. As soon as I'm out of the game by either not responding or rejecting, he should be moving on to the next opportunity. His failure to do so is an error on his part.

I happen to enjoy the world we live in. I love not hearing why a man is uninterested in me. I can live my entire life never hearing why a man is uninterested in me. If he's not interested in dating me, then his opinion is of no importance to me...he can keep it to himself.

I did online dating for over a year and found my methodology worked for me. I got to spend time and energy on the guys I was interested in and who were interested in me. If sending a personalized rejection to every girl you're uninterested in works for you, then lovely. Just because you don't like this world, doesn't mean everyone agrees with you that its bad. Who are you to say what others should be comfortable with? Judge much?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 124
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/6/2015 4:45:14 PM
The problem is some people ARE NOT experts at getting rejected. So they have to complain and toss a fit..
If you want to get a laundry list of why she /he would rather do home dentistry than meet you - well, going to be a long wait. You got a number. You have no idea if it is his/her number, could be dial a prayer.
I have no earthly need to know why Vin Diesel doesn't want to marry me ( fool him)
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 125
the truth when being rejected.
Posted: 4/6/2015 4:53:16 PM
I'm not saying to reply to every single message you receive, but use your judgment. But actually respond once that conversation is established. When you're talking to someone and then they ask you out, if you disappear, that wasn't a subtle way of rejecting them. You didn't do anything. That silence is the absence of doing anything.

And people should stop making themselves into a martyr about it. You're not ignoring it so that you can turn the other person down easier. You're doing it because it's easier for YOU, because you're either too afraid to do it, or you just don't care about anyone else but yourself. But when you read the OP, if you're going to reply, be honest in that reply. The OP questioned the "We're not a good match" for probably the reason that he's gotten that line way too many times. Again, not clever, the last 5o0 girls before all said the same exact thing. But unlike 99% of POF, I actually have empathy. I have that ability to think "Is this going to make the other person feel like useless crap?" It's the reason I'm not following someone else's example on here and flipping out and telling a lot of people things that someone really needs to eventually tell them, and then get a permanent ban from this site... because honestly, there's some people here who are terrible people. Compassionless, vindictive, arrogant, gender-bashing, know it alls who can't seem to figure out why nobody wants to date that. The ones who actually have class seem to be getting rarer and rarer every day.

Honestly, yes, it gets annoying being blatantly lied to all the time. Do we just not deserve honesty or something? But that's the thing, nobody thinks. Being lied to a few times, it happens. Being lied to on the scale you get on here... back to my question that I love to ask: What do you honestly expect to happen?
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > the truth when being rejected.