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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?      Home login  
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 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 101
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I totally agree with many of the posts here....

Accountability on BOTH parts IS necessary....and yes, SOME people have discarded quality men and women because of little or even nothing in many cases.
I even agree that many PEOPLE are self-centered.

Thing is, I am dealing largely with MEN my age who I am looking to date, which is why I am focusing on that, particular experience.
For the record, I have also ended several long-term friendships with women in the last ten or so years, as it was ALWAYS about them, and what they wanted, needed etc. There was simply NO room for me and what I wanted, needed etc.
Part of being an adult is understanding that relationships are about give AND take.

As far as the man in question.
Well, it's been two weeks and I DIDN'T "dismiss him" for all of the possible reasons that were given here. We have continued to talk on the phone but unfortunately due to scheduling problems on BOTH of our parts, we have been unable to meet.
I'm really NOT holding out a whole lot of hope as I'm seeing that in conversation he still seems largely uninterested in any info about me, has still not asked any questions and even when I have attempted to add my own experiences to the conversation, he has actually cut me off and "had to go", on several occasions.
I asked him another question once, when he said that "he had to go", which funnily enough, he had another half hour available to answer, but hey, there it is! LOL

Exhibiting interest in other people is part of what makes people feel "visible" and important ime, and when somebody doesn't do that, well, I think it's a pretty clear message that they really AREN'T interested in YOU, so much as what YOU can give/do for THEM.
I don't really care whether or not that is MOST people/men/women etc. I also refuse to take ANY responsibility for another person's lack of social skills or self-centeredness, and I have no complaints at this point, as it's not looking promising and, seeing as this is NOT an issue that I run into that frequently, I really don't feel any obligation to "search my soul" for whatever it is that I, myself, may possibly doing. I have "checked myself" and my own behaviour and am not doing anything wrong.
I'm also NOT delusional and am well aware of when somebody DOES or DOESN'T give a sh!t about me as a human being. As opposed to it being a case of nerves or walls or whatever else it might be. This hasn't been a "casual and instant dismissal" based on NOTHING, or even on anything that I've exaggerated, it is what it is and I will act accordingly....
Thanks for all of the good feedback folks!
 BillyBuckshot14
Joined: 10/30/2014
Msg: 102
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/23/2015 7:20:28 AM

Men, do you ask questions of the women you're dating

Absolutely. It’s the only way to get to know someone.

Do you put it down to simple self-centeredness, or do you think that they just believe that asking questions is too invasive or personal?

Neither holds true. The harsh reality is more likely that they don’t ask questions since they are not genuinely interested in a LTR with said person.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 103
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/23/2015 4:22:42 PM
As usual Demidar you use any topic to be negative and demeaning of women. Again if you have found your experiences negative with women, do not blame women for your own faults. Mirror mirror.....Works both ways.

We are talking about conversation, asking questions and generally communicating with each other in a meaningful way. Some men are self centred as are women.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 104
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/23/2015 9:12:52 PM
Final update....

So I was supposed to call this guy on Sat. when I finished work to make arrangements to meet....
I had a bad day at at work and texted that I would call him the next day, Sun., and we would make a plan.
He texted back that he had been waiting all day to hear from me????

I apologized and told him that it had been a misunderstanding, he took it that when I was supposed to call that we would also meet that same time, and there was ALSO a bit of a snowstorm here and I wouldn't have volunteered to go out and drive anywhere, any way...He doesn't have a car.

He accepted my apology, apparently that's what he SAID and then I discover that he's removed himself from my faves and I haven't heard from him since...

Oh well!!!
My profile is still hidden and I won't be responding to anyone until I'm in a better place to date.

Should have ditched him when I saw that he seemed uninterested in ANYTHING about me, at the beginning!!!!

Lesson learned...and with that, I'm retiring from this thread....
Good night and good luck in the Pond all!!!

Back to REAL life!!!!
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 105
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 12:37:55 PM
^^^
A lot of this communicating seems to break down before a first meet ever happens, over foo foo, or nonsense.

As you said, it's a beginning. Heck, call it a pre-beginning?

Seems like the fella didn't talk dirty and found you attractive at least?

Maybe the next guy that does meet you will smell nice too :)
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 106
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 1:00:19 PM
He texted back that he had been waiting all day to hear from me????
.........
He accepted my apology, apparently that's what he SAID and then I discover that he's removed himself from my faves and I haven't heard from him since...


^^^^
I think he took it that YOU weren't that interested in him so he saved himself the trouble and embarrassment of pursuing you by removing himself from the faves
When he said he had been waiting for you all day, why didn't you.....
*cue the movie Flashdance* " Pick up the phone and CALL THE DUDE!"


;p
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 107
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 1:48:36 PM
Charmin, I don't know if I'd admit to a guy I hadn't met yet "I've been waiting all day to hear from you". It sounds a little....needy? or something. I'm sure some would say not, but I don't know...sounds weird. Would you say that?

And she did contact him...and said can we do this tomorrow.

I think we're doomed....we say black and they hear white and they say black and we hear white. "We have a failure to communicate" - this line comes from a movie, I think with Paul Newman but don't quote me.
 ClooneysTutor
Joined: 3/30/2014
Msg: 108
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 2:01:12 PM
Blue, Paul Newman at the end of Cool Hand Luke, mocking the Captain who said those same words to Luke earlier in the film.

Expecting a spark, or to be 'blown away' before meeting the first time isn't very realistic.
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 109
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 2:31:04 PM
Clooney, thank you darlin. Wasn't the jail mean guy George Kennedy or something Kennedy?? I think he has since died. It was a great movie.

And really, the "We have a failure to communicate" is so applicable in dating or meeting or writing or in conversation. As someone wise told me "we need to listen louder".
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 110
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 2:42:34 PM
I think I am way more self centered than I ever was - mainly cause I had to get used to be on my own, being responsible for everything, etc -
Good line " listen louder"
idk Dee it sounded nice not creepy to me - waiting all day.
Another bus will be coming soon tho :/
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 111
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 5:11:59 PM

we need to listen louder".


Or, just hear and understand.

I once contacted a young lady the morning after a first meet and told her I didn't like the 3 day rule and she came at me about not wanting to be used for sex, blah, blah, blah. I repeated the word DAY, and promptly told her to go phuck herself. She was soooooo round up about being "used" that she was hearing things that were not being said. It happens. Especially, it seems, with experiences and age.

I think I'm gonna get a tattoo on my forehead that says "I AM NOT YOUR EX!!!!!!"
 bluemoon24_7
Joined: 4/18/2014
Msg: 112
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 6:15:44 PM
Walts, to me "listen louder" means just that...hear and understand.

"3 day rule", WTF, people have so many rules...is there a book or something I'm not aware of? Can you guys give me a list...maybe one or two "rules", I feel so uninformed.
 CrookCatcher
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 113
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/24/2015 6:52:26 PM
Those rules are'nt issued to everyone blue....I never got a copy. The only thing I ever counted on that pertained to three days was the time it took for a two party check deposited in the bank to clear. That and a Jose Quervo hangover.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 114
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 3:00:48 AM
I thought it was 2 days.

I cannot believe Dee talked to that guy for as long as she did.He must have been really good looking or had money,
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 115
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 3:40:59 AM

I cannot believe Dee talked to that guy for as long as she did.He must have been really good looking or had money,

Nice, very nice....

Guess you ignored the part where I said that I work as a live-in caregiver four days a week,huh? And can't go out when I'm there?
Our schedules didn't 'gel', then I had a cold and was incommunicado for four days and it was two weeks not two months...

Actually he doesn't have a car, manages a restaurant and is a regular looking guy.

But go ahead and judge away based on erroneous or lack of information, no problem...seems to be pretty common around here...

Ta ta....

As far as him being "needy", no, I don't think that's the case, I understand why he thought what he did, which is why I apologized and, as it turns out, he actually called me since my last post and I asked him about it and we had a good talk.
Don't know what's going to happen from here, frankly, but I DO know that I won't be coming back to "share" here....

Thanks for the thoughtful comments....for those who made them, that is....
 Aradia96
Joined: 10/25/2014
Msg: 116
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 6:03:19 AM
It takes a while to know if they are really self centered, like he may be shy or something or other.
Lots of reasons why they aren't asking you things about yourself.
I do tend to find with men, they ask more questions about themselves, like if you like them, how much etc.
Not so much about me. They like to involve themselves in the question, I noticed.

Just from my (limited) experience ;)
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 117
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 8:00:34 AM
Sorry Dee but it sounds like the guy was really self absorbed....we all do things we wonder about later.
 RoseLover1122
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 118
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 7:14:07 PM
yes, most of already have their mind set.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 119
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 8:32:42 PM

With so many older women showing so many entitlement issues , do not try to blame men for your own faults . It is not the men that are self centered . We just choose not to put up with the infantile drama any more .

Like the silly "Mars / Venus" notion, age difference doesn't matter that much. The only thing I can think of is, isn't so much about young vs old -- it's about what they have going on in their life. People will be more set in their ways once they're past the college age and are more settled in. There's PLENTY of younger gals (and guys) who are self-centered. No shortage of that. I just think people have more solidified comfort zone boundaries when they're past young-adulthood. They can still be relatively young, or old. Self-centeredness though will be found just as much in any age group -- it's just about one's persona.

If you've met some of the ones I've met, you'd understand it is common sense to get that damn wall up as high as possible! lol

The problem with walls (in the classical sense) is that it affects Us internally, and kind of hampers legit chances, due to fear of drama of different sorts. IMO, walls don't really help, except one's internal comfort zone. I can see a "wall" to prevent oneself from being naive and getting too emotionally into Mr Cool Guy, who, on a whim exchanged #s at the grocery store or online and met quite rapidly, sure. But it's playing with fire, as some people's walls -- meant to prevent feeling too much for someone too quick, can end up being too much and hampering stuff, is all.

So I was supposed to call this guy on Sat. when I finished work to make arrangements to meet....
I had a bad day at at work and texted that I would call him the next day, Sun., and we would make a plan.
He texted back that he had been waiting all day to hear from me????

It's unfortunate, but I'm not surprised that he "punted" the ball (backed away from you). You were supposed to call, you pushed that forward that you were going to call him tomorrow -- he figured you guys were going to talk that day Sat to agree where to meet up that day, etc -- yeah. I guess being on the same page in communication is key. But regardless, even if it was mutually understood that you guys were very Likely going to meet that Sat evening for something small, if you weren't in the mood to call, you weren't in the mood to meet. Hey, when we have a bad day -- yeah, we do lack interest (in that timeframe). He punted the ball.
 Eternityboresme
Joined: 8/20/2014
Msg: 120
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/25/2015 11:37:16 PM


I cannot believe Dee talked to that guy for as long as she did.He must have been really good looking or had money,


This is absurd.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 121
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/26/2015 2:29:36 AM
^^^
Not at all.He was disinterested in her....and I doubt he could have pulled it off in person.He manages a restaurant....typically banging the staff?Dee was hoping.....hoping.Normally she is pretty good at analyzing.
 petula1908
Joined: 8/9/2014
Msg: 122
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/26/2015 3:59:18 AM
To be fair now Dee did say she had long term relationships with women who were self centred and self absorbed, and not interested in her really. Why were they long term? Hoping they would change?

"must have been really good looking or had money" He does not even seem to own a car.
 calguy14
Joined: 8/17/2014
Msg: 123
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/26/2015 4:14:14 AM
^^^
Party people.Likely lost his license. I took it they were long term friendships.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 124
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Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/26/2015 5:29:36 AM
Just when I THINK I'm OUT.......lmao

@ petula....BINGO!!!
Yes, you have been paying attention and yes, I DID have a BAD habit pattern of having people like that in my Life at one point...and probably STILL have some remnants hanging in there.... Hoping someone would "change" and we all know just how often THAT works! LOL
And yes, calguy...they were long term friendships, one 20yrs another 10yrs.
It wasn't always ALL about them, either, but became more so towards the end of the friendships...People change, and sometimes, the people who 'fit' us 10 yrs ago, no longer fit us. I had some boundary issues myself and when I began to clean those up, it created havoc in many of my personal relationships.
Changing behaviour patterns is one of the most sure-fire ways that I know of to eliminate people from your Life who are there for the wrong reasons....

As for him not having a car, well, he lives in an area of the city where having a car is not only not necessary but actually inconvenient and he said that he does have a license, just sold his car when he moved.
As far as him being uninterested in me...well, that was the reason that I started this thread...To see if this was just something that I was experiencing or if it was really about me at all!!! I have to be on guard for that pattern, still today...

@Charmin....I never actually said that we would get together on Sat. as I normally just sleep on Sat./Sun as I'm burnt from work....I told him that I would CALL him when I was finished work and we could discuss it then....I texted him that we would talk on Sun. and figure out a first meet, because he told me that he doesn't like talking on the phone...whereas I prefer it....I really did understand how he misunderstood, it was a lack of clarity on my part, I assumed that he remembered that I had told him about my schedule. I also apologized several times for the misunderstanding.
I had a REALLY bad day, and frankly, wasn't in the mood to talk to ANYONE.
At any rate, when I asked him about removing me from his faves etc. and he texted me about that, I CALLED him and we had a talk that clarified things as far as that went...that was on Mon or Tues.??? Don't remember now....
 PenelopeLeChat
Joined: 7/29/2014
Msg: 125
Older men more self-centered, or is it just me.....?!?
Posted: 2/26/2015 11:24:14 AM
BA
LoL I just had a thought- maybe the AVAILABLE female dating pool in OVER 45 should make a pact for a month to only deal w/ men their age OR YOUNGER...

& see if there is a difference...


Younger man by 9 yrs... *check*
So far same old crap. Pity

LePew
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