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 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 76
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?Page 4 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
It's best to get out before the abuse escalates, you've seen how he is and he's not going to improve, he's a petulant child, screaming and crying when he's not getting his way.....That's not normal for a grown man. Whatever good qualities he has, you can find in someone else. You don't have to sit and deal with the bullshit, you're better than that. It's not a cultural thing, it's an ***hole thing.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 77
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/22/2015 10:23:23 PM
Yeah, no, the OP has not stated she's in a life threatening situation. She can leave, and I suggest she should have already left, but she's getting something out of this, she's pretty quick to state his good qualities and hasn't said anything about him making her be with him. You act like I don't know the difference or that I'm an idiot who hasn't a clue about abuse if that makes you feel better, what I am saying is that it's time for OP to get out of his house, or move into her own home, whichever the situation is, and not wait until it gets worse. There is a difference between being a victim and needing professional help to get out, and being a willing participant because he keeps a clean house. OP needs to wake up and see herself as worth a lot more than what she's getting, and yes what he's doing is abuse, but unless she comes back and tells us that he's also forcing her to stay with him, then she's still at the point of being fully capable of walking away.

If OP is reading this and her life is being threatened, then it's a completely different situation and she needs to get help from professionals who deal with these kinds of situations.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 78
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 7:58:23 AM

Currently (according to your typed words), he is not being abusive but merely expressing his anger through "yelling".

I apologize, I should have been more concise with this statement.

If I may...
If he is angrily expressing his desire, want or need to have sex, raising his voice in the process (yelling) then, he is simply expressing his desire in an angry manner. While not a healthy form of psychological coping and rather self-defeatist, I would not consider it abusive or malicious.

However, if he is blaming, criticizing, threatening, name-calling as intent to make her feel responsible for the situation that he has placed himself, causing her to feel inferior or inadequate then, he is clearly being abusive.
Also, if she makes it clear to him that she is frightened by his yelling and he persists with the firm knowledge that he is scaring her then, he is being abusive.
This was not mentioned in Looking4u0123's post.

I wish to be very clear that regardless of whether or not he is abusive, his current mindset is of a controlling manner and not a loving, caring, nurturing nature.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 79
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:05:01 AM

If he is angrily expressing his desire, want or need to have sex, raising his voice in the process (yelling) then, he is simply expressing his desire in an angry manner. While not a healthy form of psychological coping and rather self-defeatist, I would not consider it abusive or malicious.


I disagree with this statement. I think yelling IS ABUSIVE. And many people that yell at others tend to then, laugh it off and tell the other person that they are just kidding, yet the result it's destructive, malicious and reduces the other person to something inferior. The only time I see yelling as acceptable when it comes to sexual interaction is when BOTH are in some sort of S&M situation where both are aware that what turns them on is that form of interaction.
In normal interaction and particularly when it comes to WHO initiates, that act of initiation becomes abusive if it's a result of screaming.
 63T
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 80
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:36:59 AM

I disagree with this statement. I think yelling IS ABUSIVE.

That's fine, InnerGorilla.
If you disagree with my statement and think that yelling is abusive, that is absolutely acceptable and I respect your position.
 tgif111
Joined: 10/24/2014
Msg: 81
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 9:07:16 AM

If you disagree with my statement and think that yelling is abusive, that is absolutely acceptable and I respect your position


simply as an exercise, what do you imagine comes after yelling?

what is the next step up after yelling?

isn't it PHYSICAL abuse? granted, it may not escalate to that but it certainly is at the very least a concern.
at the very most a huge red flag that their anger is out of control.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 82
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 2:25:54 PM

That's fine, InnerGorilla.
If you disagree with my statement and think that yelling is abusive, that is absolutely acceptable and I respect your position.



63t,

You know that I respect your opinion, it's good to have you back in the forums.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 83
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 4:43:54 PM
OP:
He gets REALLY mad if he doesn't get sex everynight.I am diabetic and sometimes if my sugar is too high or low I will fall asleep. He will wake me up and get really mad and start pitching a fit and yelling at me


YES, this is abuse. It’s not “just” yelling, although how anyone could think an intimate partner yelling at the other is okay, he’s waking her up and demanding sex from her, getting “really mad” and “pitching a fit,” when she refuses. Nobody should have to put up with that disrespectful abusive crap. What, it’s not abusive enough?

OP hasn’t said but I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives in to him just to get him to leave her alone and let her sleep in peace. What a filthy pig.


I consider waking someone up for sex and yelling at them when they dont abuse. Im sure he isnt shouting 'you are so beautiful and I love you'. Im guessing the yelling is going to contain critism and put downs.


Well said. Probably threats, as well. I can’t believe anyone would be cool getting yelled at by a spoiled brat 46 year old because he wants sex and he wants it now! He needs a boot up his ass.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 84
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 4:56:57 PM
and what does she need, in order to realize this isn't a healthy relationship?
Like Ann Landers used to love to say, no one can take advantage of us, without our permission.
 AussieNancy
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 85
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 5:00:21 PM

waking someone up for sex and shouting at them when they dont is not normal behaviour, Id be worried. He doesnt have to threaten her life or beat her to a pulp for it to be abuse and abuse is damaging. The constant threat, being made to feel useless if you dont have sex, possibly resulting in giving in and having sex to keep the peace, being made to feel worthless ect are very damaging. Over a time, even if he never beat her, that will zap all the life out of anyone. Its a miserable existence.


Well said Vicki.


possibly resulting in giving in and having sex to keep the peace


I wouldn't say possibly though, I'd say most definitely. Hence my reference (in a previous post of mine) to a sex slave.

Yes, being shouted at by a man IS frightening, and I'm sure alarming for the guys too who are shouted at. The fear women have of being shouted by a man is it may, in a split second end up with a punched wall, a punched door, a punched face! Been there, had that unfortunately. The injection of adrenalin during anger renders the person with extra strength. Men are strong enough as it is, never mind adrenalin on top of it.

Like I said in a previous post of mine, I'd rather live in a tent with a good man than in a clean house with a bully.
 AussieNancy
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 86
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 5:17:30 PM
This:


I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives in to him just to get him to leave her alone and let her sleep in peace. What a filthy pig.


and this:


Probably threats, as well.


.... If both of the above are happening, that is nothing less than rape. Why? Because she's having sex against her will AND under threat.


He needs a boot up his ass.


More than that. He needs Prison.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 87
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 7:57:06 PM

I consider waking someone up for sex and yelling at them when they dont abuse. Im sure he isnt shouting 'you are so beautiful and I love you'. Im guessing the yelling is going to contain critism and put downs.

Being yelled at by a man is very scary, being yelled at because you didnt have sex is terrifying IMO.


Yea bottom line is that if even if the OP doesn't think it's that bad, she can find a guy who doesn't yell and throw a temper tantrum when he doesn't get to have sex? Why the hell even bother with stupid shit like that especially when it's still early in the relationship.
 arlo2
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 88
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 7:59:28 PM
Obviously, this guy has SOMETHING going for him that keeps her coming back; a-hole, or not.
If it is something that she believes that she is unlikely to get from another guy, it becomes a trade-off.

Unless she is being held against her will, by threat or by force, the price of being with this guy is nightly sex. She is either willing too pay it, or she isn't.

Again, guy is probably an a-hole. But, he can place whatever conditions he likes on being in a relationship with him. If there are no takers, too bad for him. If you don't like it, the answer is obvious.

GET OUT !



More than that. He needs Prison.

Imagine a world where women are thusly punished for yelling when they don't get what they want. There wouldn't be many left on the streets :)
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 89
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:32:34 PM
Yes, let's all sit here and speculate about what's "probably" happening even though not a f*cking word has been mentioned about anything beyond his throwing a tantrum.

Oh my God! He's probably molesting her children, too!
 AussieNancy
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 90
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:49:01 PM

Again, guy is probably an a-hole. But, he can place whatever conditions he likes on being in a relationship with him.


I understand your point there, arlo. Each to their own, I get that.


If you don't like it, the answer is obvious.

GET OUT !


Exactly. I agree.


Imagine a world where women are thusly punished for yelling when they don't get what they want. There wouldn't be many left on the streets :)


That comment has nothing to do with the context in which I wrote. I'm not talking about yelling. I'm talking about being a dominating azzhole who demands sex against her will and possibly threats. THAT, dear Sir is rape. Rape deserves Prison time. Big tough guys picking on those physically weaker than themselves deserve to bear the wrath of their fellow inmates.

JMO
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 91
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 8:59:54 PM
*playing the world's smallest violin*

She probably solved the problem already.
 AussieNancy
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 92
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 9:04:02 PM
......anyway, the OP is not responding. Her life, her choice. We can all argue forever and put our point across in another thread which directly addresses a solid issue on this rather than speculation.

All the best to you, OP. I sincerely hope you've got some clarity now. Be safe. x
 looking4u0123
Joined: 12/17/2014
Msg: 93
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 10:11:50 PM
Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days but I tried the other day and I was unable to post a reply for some reason. Idk if anyone else was having problems posting or not? I have been reading all the comments everyday tho. A lot of useful advice...thank you :-)

We don't live together and he is not Hispanic. I like sex everyday and he got it almost everyday. On the occasions I did fall asleep (like say if we were watching a movie that I thought was boring or if my sugar was high or low is when I would fall asleep) he would wake me up yelling and throwing his temper tantrum. I got to a point tho to where I felt like I knew I had to have sex and get it over with just to keep from him getting pissed. Not the way I want sex to be! I haven't been to see him in a couple of days and I don't plan on going back.
 arlo2
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 94
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 10:13:46 PM

THAT, dear Sir is rape.


Nope. for it to be rape, there needs to be force, or the threat of force, that is, in itself criminal.
I can demand sex all I want. But, if I don't threaten an illegal act, I will just be an A-hole. Not a rapist.

If I employ physical force ( assault/battery) ; or, threaten some illegal act to force compliance, then, THAT is rape.

Have sex or I will physically harm you = rape
Have sex or I will take something from you or damage/destroy something or yours = rape
Basically, "have sex or I will violate your legal personal or property rights" = rape

Have sex or I will dump you = not rape
Have sex or I will not let you live in my house = not rape
Have sex with me or I will not buy you X thing. = not rape
Have sex or I will not take you to the prom = not rape

If you can freely walk away, unharmed, without your actual legal rights violated ... not rape.

a-holy? yes ... Rape ? no.

Without more information, this guy is an a-hole, not a rapist.
 AussieNancy
Joined: 2/19/2015
Msg: 95
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 10:47:05 PM

he would wake me up yelling and throwing his temper tantrum. I got to a point tho to where I felt like I knew I had to have sex and get it over with just to keep from him getting pissed. Not the way I want sex to be!



Nope. for it to be rape, there needs to be force, or the threat of force


.......with all due respect to your opinions, but does yelling and throwing a temper tantrum have a hint of FORCE?

The dear OP just said she knew she had to have sex to get it over with. She is doing it against her will with the threat of violence if she doesn't comply. A man yelling at you is not exactly a nice experience. Then it results in unwanted sex.
 midnite_icecream
Joined: 12/27/2014
Msg: 96
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 10:51:22 PM

Healthy psychological coping means possessing internal resources to self-validate. The ability to admit/acknowledge our possible inadequacies without experiencing unbearable guilt or shame.

Merely admitting to it isn't enough. What she did say to him did not have much effect because he kept repeating the behaviour. Given the extremeness and abnormality of the reaction relative to the situation, sounds like it will take much effort for him to change and then to sustain it. Even with progress, he may very likely relapse.
Who but a masochist likes to be constantly yelled at, especially for no good reason. The OP made a complaint, she has an obvious problem with this abusive behaviour. She already has a stressful job. This is an unnecessary further aggravation to her physical (and mental) health IMO.

I haven't been to see him in a couple of days and I don't plan on going back.

Good for you.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 97
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 11:09:07 PM

She is doing it against her will with the threat of violence if she doesn't comply


No, it is NOT against her will. It would have been against her will if she had said NO, and he forced her. She willingly had sex with him.

Threat of violence?? Where the hell did you see that??

Sorry. The guy is a colossal prick based on what we've been told, but not a rapist.
 arlo2
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 98
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/23/2015 11:09:35 PM

......with all due respect to your opinions, but does yelling and throwing a temper tantrum have a hint of FORCE?

The dear OP just said she knew she had to have sex to get it over with. She is doing it against her will with the threat of violence if she doesn't comply. A man yelling at you is not exactly a nice experience. Then it results in unwanted sex.


If she says she was 'threatened with violence', as you say, I am right there with you, Otherwise, it's a choice. Having sex was preferable to walking away from the situation, which she eventually did.

"not exactly a nice experience" does not meet the threshold of violence.

She did say that she left, and is not going back. That, I applaud.
 arlo2
Joined: 5/30/2013
Msg: 99
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Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/24/2015 1:28:14 AM

Yelling at someone or having a temper tantrum when you dont have sex is force.


Then, yelling and temper tantrums, when there is no sex involved, is also force. Most women I have known would be locked up, under that standard.

If there has been a pattern of yelling, but, there was no actual violence; then, there can be no reasonable expectation that yelling is antecedent to violence.

No matter how loud one yells "Have sex or I will wear plaid pants!" It is not rape.
No matter how calmly one whispers "Have sex or I will slit your throat", it is.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 100
Boyfriend wants sex all the time?
Posted: 3/24/2015 1:57:48 AM
If she gives the police the same story she has given us here, I can 100% guarantee you absolutely nothing will happen. In fact, they'll probably be pissed that she wasted their time.
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