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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Grl_next_door
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 51
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefitPage 3 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
I don't know if modern women want to be courted in the traditional sense. Speaking for myself, if a man comes on like that I am a little creeped out. Presenting me with a rose on a first date, or treating me like a delicate flower to be cultivated would make me uncomfortable.

And heck no, don't ask me to go to Chris Steakhouse followed by a carriage ride through the Parliamentary grounds on the first date. I can't live up to the flirtatious magic of such an evening with someone I barely know. I'll suggest a cappuccino instead.

Be yourself, be decently dressed and groomed, be open to opportunities to connect, offer yourself as a peer/kindred spirit/say something astonishingly accurate to someone you wish to get to know.

If anyone is going to get into these grannie panties, and into her heart, that's how it's going to go down.
 DeepakTolle
Joined: 3/18/2015
Msg: 52
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 3:21:44 PM

If anyone is ever going to get into these grannie panties, that's how it's going to go down


If a woman I'm in bed with refers to her panties as " granny panties " .... IT will probably go down.
 Grl_next_door
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 53
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 3:31:26 PM

Its a joke,...from somebody who has no problem poking fun at herself and her advancing age. The world of comfort shoes, cotton undies.

[If a woman I'm in bed with refers to her panties as " granny panties " .... IT will probably go down]....quote Deepak Tolle
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 54
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Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 3:46:18 PM
Sorry, B.A.., but this, like pretty much all advice I've ever seen about dating, reads the same way to me. I get about half-way in, and then my "generic translator" program takes over.

In generic form, this advice translates to:

"if you want to be like me, and date like I do, then stop being you, and become me."

If doing well in things as complex as serious relationships were a matter of finding good advice and following it, everything would be easy peasy.

By the way, just from a dry logical analysis viewpoint (my specialty), before anyone starts giving advice, they should really describe in detail what their procedures are aimed at. It's a lot like taking down directions from someone, on how to get to an actual place. If you don't START by establishing what the place is, the instructions on how to go there are a bit on the "act of insanity" side of things.

Speaking of which.... I've run across various people who claimed to have "lots of success" meeting other people and dating them over my too many years, and I've become cautious about how "lots of success" is defined. Too many of the males who have pestered others with advice, specialized in meeting, bedding, and then dropping women and moving on.

Since to me, "success" would mean "finding a compatible mate and then living with them," the "how to woo all kinds of women" deal just makes me squint more.

Last thought... "courting" is really just communicating in a manner that the other person finds acceptable, with the hope that you can do more than idly chat. As someone else said, it aint Rocket Science." And if you try to turn it into Rocket Science, you'll end up shooting off rockets, and not dating or mating.
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 55
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Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 4:04:44 PM
I think you just have to be yourself, I don't really court, I'm of the mindset that you're either interested in me or you're not. Enough with the circles and going through the motions, you either want to hang out, you either want to date or not want to date. I'm not competing with other men for your affection, I'm an grown man and I don't have time for that. I'll invite you out to dinner, we'll go out somewhere, I'll even pay on an occasion but circling the wagons over and over again just to get free shit is not my thing.

Really it's on both sexes to actually do something, you can't have one with the other. If women are looking for a mate then they should put some effort into finding one as well. And if there's a guy you like there's no reason to make him jump through hoops.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 56
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 4:14:27 PM

"if you want to be like me, and date like I do, then stop being you, and become me."


That's a lot of the problem with perceived "courting" rituals. If people, both men and women, presented themselves as they really are in every day terms, rather than attempting to make false impressions while dating, there would be no surprises later on of "you're not the person that I first met". Just as one example, if a man throws his money around at a woman in the beginning to make some kind of impression and it goes against his grain, and he attracts a woman who gets off on that kind of treatment, and then he later on resents that she has come to expect it, who's to blame? If a woman comes on as some kind of simpering sex kitten to a man who is predominantly looking for such and then once she's "hooked him" and she cools her jets because it never was her true persona, who's to blame there? So many people tend to portray themselves as something other than who/what they are and then have the nerve to complain that it's the other person's fault when the front diminishes or disappears. Such a false society. My best advice is to simply be who you are.
 LadyEssKay
Joined: 2/13/2015
Msg: 57
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 4:20:47 PM
Courting to me, means politeness and consideration. Simple.

I think both genders could brush up on both of those skills. I think we have gotten so entrenched in a "disposable" society that some have difficulty seeing the value in others. If you don't like the one you have, another better one will be around in a bit, so no need to put any effort or care into it.

As an aside, I'm getting so bored with the same posters that use every single thread about gender based issues to "wax poetic" of how women are horrors of humanity. If you don't like them, then simply get off the dating websites and stop looking for opportunities to be around them. I don't care if you hate them so badly, but what specifically are you looking for, if you have already made up your mind that all of them are as sinister as you describe?
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 58
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 4:21:29 PM
Mario knows how to put his best foot forward, is not a player doesn't put up w/ petty BS.

He also realizes he is 58 & is choosing from who is available rather than a fantasy in his head.

He is currently dating a 60 yr. old woman.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, by honing his courting skills, he was able to get dates by settling.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 59
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 4:37:34 PM

My guy friend who knows I post in the forums wrote me this recently:

Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit.

Being confident, being decisive, coming up with a plan, following through- these improve a man’s odds of success. They certainly make him stand out.

You only need to succeed once. Even when you do everything right, you will still rarely succeed. You’re improving your odds, but it may take a while before you see the results, just because the odds are still so low.

Therefore, you have to be able to recognize the good advice and follow it, even when you’re not getting immediate feedback that it’s working.

He has good success w/ OLD, maybe he has a point?


OP, you state that he said, "you only need to succeed ONCE" and then YOU state, "he has good SUCCESS". Then you tell us he isn't a player? Obviously, you and he think he is "doing well" here or wherever, online, which I have to ask, what does that mean? Dates? Lots of them? With different peeps?

It isn't really hard to get "dates" here if you actually say and do alllllllll the "right" things. Of course, your moral compass should be off kilter a bit to have this form of "success". Personally, I enjoy looking in the mirror and seeing the person I do, because I do know that I am being who I am. What I do consider a "success" is finding that one, that you actually connect with. Both being themselves, while this "connection" actually happens. And then, in turn, this connection evolves into something that makes you want to leave these dirty waters.

With all that, what is this "benefit" that your "friend" has magically discovered with these so called "courting skills" ????? Companionship, along with meeting different women, from around the town? I would suggest that there should be a little more to this "benefit" than just that, shouldn't there?

I really do find it quite humorous in this day and age about what a lot of people define as "success".

I really, really do.
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 60
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 5:54:51 PM

I'm getting so bored with the same posters that use every single thread about gender based issues to "wax poetic" of how women are horrors of humanity. If you don't like them, then simply get off the dating websites and stop looking for opportunities to be around them. I don't care if you hate them so badly, but what specifically are you looking for, if you have already made up your mind that all of them are as sinister as you describe?


Some of the men in here sound like they don't even like women, let alone love them.


OP, you state that he said, "you only need to succeed ONCE" and then YOU state, "he has good SUCCESS". Then you tell us he isn't a player? Obviously, you and he think he is "doing well" here or wherever, online, which I have to ask, what does that mean? Dates? Lots of them? With different peeps?


I have written about my friend Mario previously in other threads. He has been widowed for 20 years. He dated a woman for a few years after his wife passed, then had one LTR after another (well a few) one was 5 years, one was 8 years.

The last one ended over a year ago & he did old on OKC. He got many dates & was quickly able to assess. A few that he met liked him but didn't want an LTR & remain friends & his current relationship is approx. 6 mos,

One time over lunch he explained his "plan" was his experience is when he contacted a woman online, if she was further away, he would look for a coffee shop/restaurant near where the lady lived. He'd meet for coffee & if they clicked, ask her to stay for a meal, then extend it into a walk (Hudson Valley)

When he joined OKC I think he met 4-8 women in a relative short time, 4 he saw a 2nd time & ended up w/ his current beau.

His plan was nothing Machiavellian or PUA, he was trying to establish something. From some of the posts in here, perhaps some did not understand "plan" & saw it as a player manipulation.

Way long ago when I 1st started dating post marriage, I had contacts & even meets from men w/ no plan (way back when) Men who didn't know to suggest coffee, where to meet, how to even initiate. They didn't know how to ask for a #, how to talk on the phone.

I once met a man in the mall (yes IRL) & we got to talking & he was smitten so I gave him my #, we talked on the phone, he asked to meet again. I was dumb back then & said let's meet at the food court (new to this & people had told me the food court at the mall was the safest- 15 years ago)

The man who had seemed previously well spoken enough just sat there & stared at me, I ended up leaving.

Dozens of stories over the years from friends & myself.

Other times, I met men who seemed to know how to put me at ease, had plan a, b & c. They were not wishy washy & seemed to know what (& who ) they liked.

From my dialogue w/ Mario, this is what he was referencing in regards to a plan/courting.
 choppermonkie
Joined: 4/26/2014
Msg: 61
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 6:19:42 PM

Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit.


To some extent, sure. But as with many things in life (especially relationships), it's a two way street where there's give/take, yin/yang, and a happy balanced middle ground.

The thing with courting, is that a GENTLEMAN courts a LADY. A gentleman doesn't court some random chick for the sake of it. He courts a LADY who not only wants to be courted but also knows how to be courted and her role in that give/take dynamic. And just like not all men are/can be gentlemen, being born a woman doesn't guarantee her to be a lady. There's plenty of real gentlemen out there that are perfectly aware of what it takes to court a lady, but they look for real ladies. If a woman wants to be courted by a gentleman, then she too needs to learn how to be a lady. It's not a one-way street where the dude does everything.

Translate that all into modern times, and while the notion of gentlemen and ladies has eroded, a good and decent man still seeks out and is able to attract good and decent women (and vice versa). However, the notion that a guy has to do everything and that the woman has to simply show up and look nice and everything will fall into place, is frankly lazy on the part of the woman. A modern, good, and decent man expects more than that, as well he should in these times where a woman can do everything a guy can and sometimes more (save for the occasional biological limitation). At the same time, good, decent, modern women expect more from a man than having a full-time job and a half-decent suit.

So yeah, some (maybe a lot of ?) men could brush up on some courting skills. Similarly, some (maybe a lot of ?) women could brush up o their own courting skills.
 JoeBnD
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 62
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 6:46:29 PM

Don't y'all just wonder sometimes, how much wealth was removed from these poor guys?

In my case, she received 72 percent of the total assets and I got 28 percent. This is based on my far more realistic appraisal of the assets (she stated that my 7 year old used 90 gallon aquarium was $600 {what we paid new}, and her upright piano was $50) without all of her omitted items {including her $7500 horse}).

Are there some exes out there just rolling in money stolen from these poor guys? Did any of you get to rip off your ex to the point of him being rendered unable to ever function again? Who are these women, I really want to know, and how much did they get???

Is my ex rolling in it? Not really, since we didn't really have that much. As for being unable to function? Yep, still trying to recover with limited success; thankfully, I was able to convince Social Security that I actually was disabled (they denied 3 or 4 times).
 antirepublican
Joined: 12/31/2014
Msg: 63
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 6:56:03 PM
What is wrong with the way things are now? I don't see any benefit to sipping lemonade on the porch swing for 15 years or playing the flute and the lute beneath the window of someone who just wishes that I were gone. I'll keep the present system thank you very much.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 64
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:02:19 PM
I really cannot fathom why y'all make this harder than it is!

It is really simple.....when you really like someone....you can't help but express that in ways that are considered "courtship"!
Whether it be gifts....time....words....whatever....it is just an expression of feelings.
If the feelings are genuine....there is no need for manipulation....games.....rules....or compensation.

Love is a natural process.....
 choppermonkie
Joined: 4/26/2014
Msg: 65
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:03:50 PM

The man who had seemed previously well spoken enough just sat there & stared at me, I ended up leaving.

Dozens of stories over the years from friends & myself.

Other times, I met men who seemed to know how to put me at ease, had plan a, b & c. They were not wishy washy & seemed to know what (& who ) they liked.

From my dialogue w/ Mario, this is what he was referencing in regards to a plan/courting.


The above is really just a description of what YOU want a guy to do to court you. Some women want a guy to have a plan. Some women want a guy to be spontaneous and go with the flow. Isn't that a common complaint of women, that guys aren't spontaneous enough? For some women anyways... But you want him to have a plan. Nothing wrong with that. But a spontaneous guy who at his best self when doing/thinking on the fly, probably isn't going to be the right guy for you, and vice versa. It doesn't meant that the spontaneous guy 'needs to learn how to court'. Quite the opposite. He's just being himself, and that's what he should do.

On the other hand, there's plenty of guys out there that are happy to and very good at planning dates and getting things to fall into place. This type of guy probably isn't going to get along with the type of woman who complains about how guys aren't spontaneous enough. And around and around we go...

As has been pointed out by some in this thread, it's not about following some set of prescribed rules that leads to dating success. It's actually quite random. The smart guys have learned that the hard way (or maybe it came to them naturally). Sometimes planning and deliberate courting works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes a random spontaneous coffee or ice cream can the best date in the world. Sometimes it's the most awkward. It boils down to the people involved and the connection they have. You can sit on a park bench in pouring rain debating healthcare spending and have a great time with the right person. A formal dinner with the Queen followed by Mozart will be horribly awkward with the wrong person. Connections and chemistry can't be forced or planned. It's either there or it isn't. My real personality still comes through and she's either going to like me or not. My superficial attempts at courting or trying to get her to like me really have very little influence.



I once met a man in the mall (yes IRL) & we got to talking & he was smitten so I gave him my #, we talked on the phone, he asked to meet again. I was dumb back then & said let's meet at the food court (new to this & people had told me the food court at the mall was the safest- 15 years ago)

The man who had seemed previously well spoken enough just sat there & stared at me, I ended up leaving.


He could have been one of those guys who's best at the spontaneous random stuff and when put in a deliberate planned event, he couldn't be himself. Doesn't mean he doesn't know how to court, just that he courts in different ways to what works for you, hence there wasn't the right connection.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 66
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:07:53 PM
Does anybody else have a problem with the word "court" in courtship, since about half of courtships end up in divorce court?
 choppermonkie
Joined: 4/26/2014
Msg: 67
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:08:02 PM

If the feelings are genuine....there is no need for manipulation....games.....rules....or compensation.

Love is a natural process.....


Well, gee whiz. I didn't need all those words when you just summed it all up in a neat little package :)
 PenelopeLeChat
Joined: 7/29/2014
Msg: 68
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:26:04 PM
Ok guys... stop with the boo hooing. My divorce left me with zip.. forget him taking 72%. I walked away with about .05. Nice. I was in another country caring for a dying parent when my ex struck. Yet somehow I don't hate men. Hope springs eternal and all that.. GET OVER IT.

Dr Hook had it right when he sang. "Life ain't easy and nothing comes free.."

OT. In my book courting is not about spending money. It is letting a person know that your thinking of and doing things (even free things) with or for them is what it is all about. Make your intentions known. If your out for the fun of it then tell that person. Don't lead someone on. When did honesty become such a commodity?

As Always,
Le Pew
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 69
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:35:31 PM
In this digital age, texting a bouquet of flowers is easy peasy! (joking)

Ok, if the florist knows you on a first name basis...you are having way too much fun :)
 PenelopeLeChat
Joined: 7/29/2014
Msg: 70
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:48:01 PM

Ok, if the florist knows you on a first name basis...you are having way too much fun :) [/quote}


Clooney speaks from experience....

Le Pew
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 71
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:50:53 PM
I like being courted. To me that is he doesn't go it's a done deal ..
I don't think it can be taught - you court because you want to
I think I court him, too
and Clooney
where are my digital flowers????
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 72
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 7:51:18 PM
I'm still flossing my teeth from last weeks trip to See's candies
 BLonde^j^AngeL
Joined: 1/2/2015
Msg: 73
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 8:36:32 PM
yummmmmmmmy
See's omg I had some 15 years ago...
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 74
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History
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 8:59:57 PM

It have always been my experience that when a man and woman are truly interested in another the "courting" from both genders just comes naturally.


1-0!
 Fire_and_Ice4_You
Joined: 10/28/2014
Msg: 75
Men need to learn courting skills for their own benefit
Posted: 3/24/2015 9:18:18 PM
Kj

I really cannot fathom why y'all make this harder than it is!

Exactly!! Man up or go sit in the Truck!
Excuses and all this pi$$ing and moaning....Cripes. Sure people can get in a slump and need a break.
It's not easy for any of us to find someone we connect with....but if you don't even try...quit whining/blaming others.
I have had my moments of hopelessness..... but it's got nothing to do with the opposite gender...it's me!!
I put my profile on another site yesterday and have been contacted by several men and made a meet date with 1 for tomorrow and hope to maybe meet another couple soon....I'm not giving up!!
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